Wohnlich

[wohnlich]

I’m Here Now

I look back at you

and remember what I loved

And what I ran from.

I look forward and see the sun rise

I see the clouds begin to part

and I have to remind myself to catch my breath.

I pushed away from you

Into an overwhelmingly beautiful

Part of my life.

I will live my dream at 21.

I will live my dream in less that three months.

My whole life has worked to this point and here I am.

And I'm scared.

Not just scared I'm terrified.

I feel lost.

But I will find myself there

I will find myself alone.

I will have no outside pressure.

Just me.

Just the sky.

Just Germany.

I will work my ass off.

I will make friends and I will speak fluently.

I will because cause I am determine

Not just because I want to.

But my thoughts of you still hurt.

My heart is still broken.

And I am different.

I am not who you met.

And I am not who I left behind.

[wohnlich]

July 24th

I can't write anymore.

I wrote from passion.

I feel like passion has been struck out of me

by some unknown hand.

I fumble with words

Like puzzle pieces

Trying to make them fit the right way

but in the end it seems like I am

always missing a piece.

Maybe I'm missing a piece of me.

I don't know what I lost or when.

But something in me is broken.

I don't know when It broke

like my car

all I know is that it is broken.

And on first

second and

third inspection

it cannot be fixed.

[wohnlich]

Always Room

I wish I could show you how it feels in my head. Like constant pounding from construction of walls made from bricks of ideas and thoughts I tried not to have. But I didn't make the blue print I didn't go to school to be an architect. I came to school to be able to run. To pick up and just move. To find beauty in the quiet that I am so bad at mastering. I can only be quiet out there and alone because quiet doesn't find me, I have to search for it. I dream big but I feel small. Confined by these walls in my head and who I used to be mixed up in who I try to be. I want to be smart. I want to be the smartest person you've met. I want to impress myself with what I know but never be too proud because there is Always room for improvement. I want to get so lost that I run into myself face to face and I finally find what I'm really scared of standing there in a mirror. I'm scared of me. I am my biggest critic. No one can crush me like I can. No one can fuck up like I can. Diving face first into situations I know I never should have been in. I get people. Really well. Because I get me too well. I know me so well that I know you. Because I know why I react and how I react. And I can pick a flaw out in a second only because I want to be flawless. I have too many goals for most people my age to understand for most people to understand and I feel like that will happen forever because I am "mature" but I like to call it on top of my game. I'm no less than one step ahead because if I walk with you I feel behind. You tell me it's hard and I say fucking work harder. I could be better. I aim to be better than I was yesterday everyday because time never slowed down or stopped so you could cry so I could breathe. Time is like a leash on a husky from his sled. He can't fall back because being dragged is dangerous. You need to stay up now I need to. You're already running fast I know. Push yourself harder. I know I won't come out last in the race I run because I am too determined to beat myself and no one competes with me like me. I know I can win as long as I keep my head on my shoulders because fighting with myself is the only thing that's slows me down. And believe me I have heard it before I know when I'm wrong if I ignored your advice it means I'm not ready to give up because I don't take well to giving up. I don't give in because I have a goal and it never becomes less important the journey just changes. But it's not gonna slow down anymore. I'm almost 21 but I'm telling you I'm already running out of time. There is too much in this world that I don't know yet to give up now. I won't give up for anything anymore. I'm here for me because I love myself and hate myself more than anyone could understand. That doesn't weigh on me though. I just know I'm honest. I definitely don't lie to you because I haven't learned how to lie to me. I see myself for what I am and I don't run for that. I only run from the idea of not becoming or staying who I want to be because that person is my idol and if I turned my back on her there would be no race left to run no plans left to make and no reason to challenge myself to be better than what you or I expected of me. I always want to be better even though I love myself. I always can be better.

[wohnlich]

I told you I never Planned On this happening. Just found myself Tripping over thoughts of you While walking to class. Finding things All day that make me think of you.

[wohnlich]

She told me his thoughts were beautiful With wide eyes As she thought back to him. I watched her tumble into that "Love" If that's what she wanted to call it. I watched him distract her from lies With his smile Spinning her in circles To get her fear to go away. He was good at making her forget. Dancing her sadness down Her body and out her toes. But as soon as he left She forgot why she ever liked dancing.

[wohnlich]

A Place We Waste

I told them she was important And that she was in danger. I said they could help but Only if they listened. They sat content Eyes fixed on mine While I told them all the ways They could be her hero. I told them she wasn't to be given up on yet. There was time to help her but only if we worked quickly And together. They agreed to help Using words to sign agreements On a rescue mission More important than any before. But when it came down to battle My army was gone. They turned their backs to watch me fight As if they could do nothing to change the outcome Like the setting of the sun.

[wohnlich]

[wohnlich]

There is a fine line between giving in to you and giving up on you. And right now we are walking it. I lean to giving up And you to giving in So here we stand balanced Toe to toe Hands clasped necks stretched backwards into what we hope for. Looking at the horizon for some sign of how this will go Like sailors looking for a storm. Only you see your sky cloudless but when I pick up my head to check I see clouds above you that you can't seem to notice Or maybe you'd rather not And that's why you're here in the first place. Neglecting to be prepared for the storms you throw yourself into. Running through a desert in suit Because it looked better than shorts. Impractical Because planning ahead is too scary. Thinking of a future you never wanted to imagine. So we stand balanced on this line Stretching our necks to see one last glimpse of a beautiful sunset.

[wohnlich]

[wohnlich]

Dancing

on pins and needles

and somehow

I still look graceful to you.

You are blind to the look of pain

or sadness on another persons face.

So when you see me

you don’t see the pain

you put me through

you just see the smile I use to cover up.

Because no matter how much

pain

you put me through

I keep finding my arms around your body

and my heart caught up in your strings.

And no matter how many strings

I cut

I still seem too attached to break off.

So I just break apart

held back by your strings.

held back by my thoughts

and blinded by my hopes.

That maybe one day,

it will be your arms around me.

[wohnlich]

While the wind whipped Through her hair She lost track Of her thoughts. Bouncing from him To the anxiety She felt crawling up her spine. Back muscles Tightening like bolts Screwed in by strong hands. Hands more caring And more soft Than their carrier.

[wohnlich]

Like a knife Held for protection You turned all my good Against me. You took and took but when I asked you to give all you had was money. I never wanted material I wanted a smile And maybe a back scratch to act like you care. But knives are no joke and there is no room in your life For acting Because you never learned How to give enough To pretend. Princess

[wohnlich]

Like Ice

Wind like ice 

hugs me 

with more warmth

than she is capable of.

Because love 

isn’t something she can feel

and I can’t understand it

so we sit in silence.

Looking through curved glass

that gives us 

enough distortion of the world

to call it beautiful 

to call her beautiful.

When her soul scares me more than my own

and her eyes seem too sweet

like cotton candy 

and it makes me sick.

Because she learned long ago

only kids will eat up her sweet bullshit 

so she became a teacher

to teach them 

to be like her

but I don’t want any of them 

to be like her.

[wohnlich]

Growing up Is when someone's body Replaces the stuffed animals.

[wohnlich]

Breakdown for a break up. It’s like you never even gave a fuck. Lost hope Lost luck Crashing down and making up. Making out to feed the lies all you wanted was between my thighs. You said stop and I cried no, but now you keep on saying go. But why would I, in my right mind go back to be hurt One More Time.

[wohnlich]

Every sip I take in of the air around you is sweet. Like cotton candy I feel your body melt with every time I push my mouth to your skin. I feel your warmth and comfort like hot chocolate on a sleeting night like blankets in the cold.

You’re everything I need but more than I ever thought to want. You’re the thought that helps me sleep at night. You’re the reminder that dreams are not naive that hopes are not worthless. You’re the proof that learning to love is worth every struggle and every second of fear that stems from paranoia of the day it could slip you could slip from my grasp.

[wohnlich]

Every ounce of pain that weighs on you weighs on me too. Because I learned from lacking love that if you care even pain is something that loved ones share.