Bisexual/Leftist/Male (He/Him)/Has beaten Jak & Daxter 100% over a hundred times. According to my daughter, I am the "most daddy in the whole best good world." This is the place where you can find Michael After Midnight, Psycho Analysis, and Xeno the alien. But most importantly of all this is where you can find Tales of Rhine City, the book I am co-writing with my wife! Stay tuned for updates on that with the #the vampirino story and #impetus tags!
The year is 2017. The location is Rhine City, a dark, violent, superstitious New England city riddled with crime... the perfect place for a coven of vampires to blend in unnoticed. The remnants of the once proud coven of Dracula settled down in the city, hoping to finally find some semblance of peace after their leader’s death in 1890... but that peace is soon to be shattered. Their old enemy Eve, the angelic progenitor of vampirism itself, has her sights on seemingly destroying the coven once and for all in revenge for fighting back against her.
But all hope is not lost, for the coven has been given something that their grieving leader Victoria had only dared dream of: a way to bring Dracula back.
But this city is far too big for just one story.Two powerful women clash to determine who deserves to reign supreme in the city. A gang of heroic vigilantes seek to right the wrongs of the city. A young man falls in love with a vampire and must come to terms with himself. A headstrong stripper seeks a way to keep her friends safe from harm. A vampire gets a taste of freedom and comes of age as she helps a friend get out of a horrifying situation. A young woman seeks answers about the fate of her father while also trying to unravel yet another mystery.
Unbeknownst to all, their stories are set to cross paths and interweave, and they will soon realize nothing in Rhine City is truly as it seems.
Tales of Rhine City: Impetus is book 1 of the Vampire Trilogy, written by myself and @lilmissrantsypants.
The website, complete with character information, can be found here.
I'd like to send a song for your "shitty songs" suggestions:
Will to Power - Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley (1988)
This song take 2 songs that don't mash well at all, and puts o soft synthesizer over them for the Easy Listening format. It doesn't even manage to be bad in an interesting way. Somehow, this hit #1 on the Hot 100, and it's honestly my pick for the worst #1 song of the 80s.
Oh god yeah, that stuff comes on the speakers at work sometimes… it could’ve at least kept the big ass guitar solo. Bleh
Michael After Midnight: 30 More Fucking Terrible Songs
There I was, innocently enjoying my day after having posted my initial list of awful songs, when all of a sudden I was struck by a hellish bolt from the blue: I forgot to put “Muskrat Love” on the list. Fuck’s sake, I hate that song and gag every time my wife puts it on and I just left it off the list? Now it can’t be paired with the visual of AI Charlie Kirk listening to foot music! This fucking sucks!
But you know what sucks even more? These songs.
In part two of my potentially endless list of terrible music, I’m throwing in a few I left off the previous list as well as some more controversial choices. I’ve put a few songs that are generally well-liked this time, but I genuinely think they are awful showings from their respective artists. I also included a lot more songs about lusting after underage girls, because I sure missed a lot last time! “Into the Night” almost made the cut for this reason, until I learned of the context behind the song; it made it significantly less creepy.
I’ve also decided now is the time to start throwing in awful covers. It’s kind of weird, since most of the time the artist is singing words that worked better coming from another artist’s mouth, but the ones I put here are bad enough you’ll understand why I added them. There is, unfortunately, another AI song on this list, but this one is rancid for reasons beyond merely being AI (and no, it’s still not “We Are Charlie Kirk,” that song is one of the most ironically hilarious songs of the past ten years and will not be on these lists).
Also, to be clear here: None of these songs really supplant the positions of anything from the previous list. Nothing here is as bad as “You Dun Goofed”—although the bottom four really give that one a run for its money. Maybe someday I’ll do a massive list combining everything together, but for now, see this more a supplemental list to the first one, a bonus chapter in the unending story of audio torture. The position isn’t the biggest deal, it’s the fact these songs are straight up ass.
Since I want this to be a reoccurring feature on my blog, I’m definitely open to suggestions. If you know some particularly dogshit music, send it in! It might make it on the next iteration. I still have a handful more awful songs and some recommendations I haven’t checked out yet, but I think I want to talk about some less awful music next. So let’s stop stalling and dive in to this bullshit and get it over with:
30. “Bicycle Race” – Queen
Look, I love Queen and Freddie Mercury as much as everyone else, but I despise insincerity. Finding out that Freddie didn’t much care for bikes but absolutely loved Star Wars (something that should have been obvious from the moment he sang Flash Gordon’s theme song) it really ruined a song I already thought was exceptionally lame for their discography. The fact this was a B-side for the masterpiece that is “Fat Bottomed Girls,” an ode to big butts so perfect and genuine only a bisexual man could pull it off, just makes it all the worse. At any rate, if you’re a fan you can take solace in knowing it’s probably the least awful song on this list.
29. “High Hopes” – Panic! At the Disco
There is something insufferably catchy about this, which is probably why I didn’t rank it higher; I am almost begrudgingly entertained by it. But I think the song is by and large just too much; the horns are too blaring, the vocals are too crisp, it’s just way too upbeat, and it’s too polished. It lacks a real punch and feels uncannily fake. I’m not sure how to really describe it. Maybe I should just say it’s annoying and move on.
28. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” – Poison
I have said for years that power ballads are literally the worst kind of hair metal song, because 9 times out of 10 they lack any sort of sincerity whatsoever. They are sensitive songs about how much the singer loves and respects women, how much they yearn for love, and are typically preceded by and are then followed by multiple songs about snorting coke off of a hooker’s ass cheeks. There are some good ones such as “Mama I’m Coming Home” and “Home Sweet Home,” and there are good parodies as well (“I’m Just Ken” and “Lost in the Woods” in particular since the emotions of the characters singing them are genuine even if it’s for a gag), but whenever you have a bunch of misogynistic meatheads trying to convince you that they have a sensitive sign it rings incredibly hollow. I despise insincerity so much, and it doesn’t get much more insincere than this one. Poison to me are the 80s version of Nickelback, an overproduced and overplayed band that isn’t really awful but are truly unremarkable compared to their more honestly filthy peers. It’s such a dopey and emotionally manipulative song, and it shines bright as the biggest example of the shortcomings of the power ballad.
27. “My Sharona” – The Knack
Maybe my most controversial pick yet, here’s this dad rock classic! At age 25, lead vocalist Doug Fieger met the 17-year-old Sharona Alperin and for the next four years they were a couple, with her inspiring numerous songs—including this one. So when he’s singing about how het gets it up for the touch of the younger kind, just know that h-h-his Sharona is exactly who he’s singing about. Barf. And yet, somehow, this still isn’t the most egregious statutory rape song on the list! And here I thought this would just be shitty novelty songs and sappy ballads...
26. “You’re the Inspiration” – Chicago
Soft rock produces either some of the coziest jams you’ve ever heard or the most insipid, foul earworms imaginable. This is firmly in the latter camp, just one of the most obnoxiously sappy ballads you’ll ever have the misfortune of suffering through. It sounds like it should play during a slow-mo scene in a D-tier 80s romance movie.
25. “Girl You Know It’s True” – Milli Vanilli
Over the years, I was always incredibly sympathetic to the story of this band. I don’t think the lip-synching thing should have been treated as if it’s a crime so serious they need to return their Grammy when future artists like Chris Brown and Kanye West did far worse things and weren’t required to return their awards. But the thing is, so seriously was their crime that they were effectively unpersoned from the radio and so I never heard the songs that made them famous. So when I listened to them for the first time when making my Weird Al retrospective, I was shocked—shocked they could ever win a Grammy for such a fucking awful song in the first place! Al definitely improved on this garbage in every regard, because it is genuinely the worst aspects of late 80s dance tracks all jammed into one dreadful song, from the insipid lyrics to the pseudo-rapping. I feel for Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus, particularly the latter since the scandal drove him to his death, but I genuinely don’t understand awarding something this worthless. This is the musical equivalent of Crash winning Best Picture.
24. “Carnival” – Kanye West
This actually almost made it on the last list, but it was a pretty easy cut for one simple reason: This song is boring. It’s just a bunch of bad blowjob and sex references, wow, how groundbreaking! Even at his shittiest Kanye is at least interesting to talk about; look at the horrendously egregious “Heil Hitler,” which I got an entire review out of. This shit is just juvenile, stupid, and perhaps worst of all lazy. If Kanye is gonna be provocative and get the people going, he needs to stop putting out pieces of shit like this for breakfast.
23. “The Lazy Song” – Bruno Mars
It’s amazing how Bruno went from making shit like this to helping usher in a glorious comeback for disco and funk by making some of the best genre throwbacks imaginable. His early work is plagued with awful, sappy, sentimental nonsense and outright goofy schlock like the so bad it’s good “Gorilla,” but this song here is the nadir of those days, an obnoxious tune that truly lives up to its title by being utterly lazy. It almost redeems itself with its music video starring Leonard Nimoy, but without Spock onscreen it’s not worth a listen.
22. “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” – The Beatles
I love Paul McCartney. His album McCartney II is one of my favorites and the song “Temporary Secretary” off it is a masterpiece in my eyes, highlighting how bold, creative, and crazy he is. Unfortunately being a wacko who does nutty things doesn’t always pay off, and this abysmal track is one such time. It’s so obnoxiously insipid and worst of all it is remarkably uncool, not something a band that’s more popular than Jesus wants to come across as. This doesn’t rank higher because I think it’s good this is on The White Album; the most perfect album by the band, one in which they dive into just about every imaginable genre they could, would be incomplete without trying to make something awful.
21. “Scars to Your Beautiful” – Alessia Cara
A flimsy empowerment anthem. What is there even to say about this? It’s such an empty nothing of a song, with trite lyrics and the sappiest message imaginable. It’s not even fun to talk about.
20. “Achy Breaky Heart” – Billy Ray Cyrus
You’d almost feel bad for Billy Ray Cyrus if he wasn’t himself. Imagine having a kid who’s incredibly talented and successful, having risen above her corny Disney show roots into a pop idol with some respectable hits under your belt, and you’re just a lame, washed-up chud whose main claim to fame is sporting a mullet and singing the dorkiest country dance jam of all time. I think the moment that really kills the whole song is the smarmy, sniveling delivery of “He never really liked me anyway.” It’s just so obnoxious.
19. “Roar” – Katy Perry
“Fight Song” may be the queen of awful inspirational pop tunes, but this is the princess or maybe some kind of duchess. It is such a hollow song devoid of the tasteless charms Perry had made her bread and butter, the flimsiest of female empowerment anthems; the roar is coming from a paper tiger here.
18. “ABCDEFU” – Gayle
I don’t know why, but the early 2020s were plagued by a bunch of musicians making edgy, vulgar versions of nursery rhymes. This one became a viral smash, and much like any virus the more exposure you got to it the sicker you became because this is an utterly awful and juvenile song.
17. “The Laughing Gnome” – David Bowie
I love David Bowie as an actor and singer, but one thing I’ve always thought while listening to his music is how much better it would be if a deranged David Seville-ass gnome started giggling across the track. Thankfully he already covered this early in his career and, uh… well, I’m sure glad his career survived this shit.
16. “All Summer Long” – Kid Rock
I think we need to applaud Kid Rock for getting a song on here for something other than being horribly offensive or idiotically cringeworthy! Yes, this song is on here because it’s fucking annoying and stupid! An unholy mashup of “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Werewolves of London” that tricks you into thinking you’ll hear a good song from the opening notes, Kid Rock showcases his unfathomable IQ by rhyming “things” with “things” in the chorus. At least he isn’t doing something nasty like singing the praises of statutory rape, though! That would be terrible!
15. “#Selfie” – The Chainsmokers
Rarely do you see a band kill their own career before it even starts. This is one of the most annoying, insufferable songs of all time; the vast majority of it is listening to the most annoying woman you’ve ever heard ramble on and on before the beat drops, and it forever tainted the name of the Chainsmokers. People call “Closer,” an actually decent song, awful just because of how bad this fucking song is. Sure, it’s satirical, but isn’t satire supposed to be funny or at the very least able to be enjoyed on some level? If I wanted to listen to an annoying, snotty bitch ramble in my ear I’d play one of Taylor Swift’s diss tracks—at least they’re bad in interesting ways.
14. “Respect and Obey Authority” – X-treme Power
With a name like that, you’re probably something a little more radical than a bunch of kids shittily singing over what sounds like a stock beat. And you’d be right to expect that, because this is radical—radical Christianity, that is! The lyrics are all a cultish call to bend the knee, unquestioningly obey your elders, bow down before the one you serve... Well, these kids are gonna get what they deserve: A spot on this list. But I have to stress here I don’t hold this bad music against young, impressionable, and likely brainwashed children; whatever adults in their life demanded they do this are the true villains here.
13. “Rude” – Magic!
This song is one of many in the long line of tunes designed solely to torture minimum wage workers, but it has a lot more going for it to bump it this high besides being insufferable easy listening schlock. The lyrical content is beyond obnoxious, with the narrator whining about how rude a father is for saying he’s not good enough to marry his daughter and then claiming he’ll marry her anyway, thus instantly proving the father had him pegged down. It’s such a lame, whiny dudebro reggae tune.
12. “Twinkle Twinkle” – Leah Kate
Of all the awful edgelord takes on nursery rhymes, this one is the most annoying and cringeworthy. It plays out like a kid just learning how to cuss, with some of the most obnoxiously egregious uses of profanity around and reading like your average mean girl fantasy. It’s a song about as deep as a puddle of piss, and as pleasant as one too.
11. “Cool, Daddy Cool” – Kid Rock and Joe C.
This song is legendary for two reasons. The first is that Kid Rock openly and proudly sings “Young ladies, young ladies/I like 'em underage, see/Some say that's statutory/But I say it's mandatory,” which is usually bad enough on its own. But the fact this song was somehow featured on the soundtrack of the family film Osmosis Jones is the second and more baffling element. Of course, even if you cut that line out there’s still lines like “Grubbin' on some pork rinds/Kickin' out them sex rhymes” so if you were expecting anything more from Kid Rock in his heyday you’re gonna be disappointed. I will say, him admitting “My story ain't that complex” is the most honest thing he has ever put to song, because he truly is the most pathetically one-note and simple chud musician ever. Decade after decade of making the same sweaty sex offender methhead music with no evolution...
10. “Muskrat Love” – Captain & Tennille
This is the song that made me decide to do another list, because I’d completely forgotten about it the first time around. This is one of the most vomit-inducing love songs I’ve ever heard—I shouldn’t have to think about muskrats fucking at any time—but the fact it’s a cover, and a cover that was already done far better (but not by much) by America just makes it suck all the more. This is the sort of song you listen to and you’ll either love it or hate it, and hate it I do. Not as much as most of the first list or as much as the next few songs, but hate it I do. Still, considering it’s basically a copy of a copy and far less offensive than some of the other rancid songs I discovered, I’m sparing it from my ire ever so slightly.
9. “I’m Good (Blue)” – Bebe Rexha
Nothing has ever been able to convince me that Bebe Rexha is a real person. Every single song by her is little more than a vapid first draft worth of lyrics and nowhere is that more readily apparent than this slab of molten ass. “I’m good, yeah, I’m feeling alright,” is perhaps the most pathetic attempt at starting a chorus I’ve ever seen; a toddler could come up with better lyrics. And then there’s the sampling of the deliciously cheesy “Blue” and doing nothing with it… a song this shitty should ensure Rexha’s career da-ba-dee-da-ba-dies.
8. “Dance Monkey” – Tones and I
I’d never heard this song by some merciful act of God before making this list, but I found so many people citing it as one of the worst songs ever. Surely it had to be hyperbole? Could it really be that bad? The answer, as you can see, is a resounding YES. This is the kind of music retail workers are forced to endure on a daily basis, but it’s even worse because it either sounds like someone doing a terrible Sia impression or a racist accent. It is insipid, annoying, grating, and generally just worthless. It’s like it was made in a lab to be the single most irritating song in existence, the musical equivalent of a mosquito in a spot you just can’t reach.
7. “Freaky Friday” – Lil Dicky
Lil Dicky is most definitely going to Hell. I do think “Earth” is worse by a large margin as an actual song, but this song is repulsive on a meta level for giving more exposure to the unrepentant psychopathic domestic abuser that is Chris Brown. Then again, Dicky ain’t too clean himself—researching for this song is how I found out he performed in Tel Aviv to raise money for the IDF back in 2017. So yeah, these two pieces of shit deserve each other.
6. “Marvin Gaye” – Charlie Puth feat. The Devil Herself, Meghan Trainor
Few songs just come out the get letting you know how awful they are, but good ol’ Charlie belts out “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on” right away, which lets you know exactly what you’re in for. Invoking the name of someone known for sexy and soulful music for your shitty pop song is one thing, but the fact Charlie felt the need to call upon the sexless succubus of pop herself, Meghan Trainor, to assist him in desecrating Gaye’s good name makes this all the more repulsive.
5. “Kim” – Eminem
Eminem is back in the top 10 yet again with what may be the worst edgy song he’s ever made! Songs like “Stan,” “’97 Bonnie & Clyde,” “My Name Is,” “Guilty Conscience,” and even the so bad it’s good “Houdini” are filled with the most tryhard, violent, offensive lyrics imaginable or otherwise incredibly dark subject matter, but Marshall manages to make them work with great flow, killer wordplay, and so on. So imagine a song that has none of that and is just him violently screaming for six straight minutes over the drum beat from “When the Levee Breaks” as he plays out a sick fantasy where he brutally murders his ex Kim after admitting to murdering her new man and his little son. Even by the edgelord standards of the time this really just goes way too far, and is truly an unpleasant experience.
4. “We Didn’t Start the Fire” – Fall Out Boy
I’m one of the few people on this Earth who genuinely loves “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” It’s corny and ridiculous and it has all the energy of a student doing research for a school project at the last minute, but it really is a lot of fun and shows that even when Billy Joel was half-assing it he’s incapable of making something that isn’t catchy. So of course as a kid I always wanted a sequel, one where he recapped all of the events that happened between part one dropping and the modern day. Unfortunately, Joel didn’t step up to deliver. Fall Out Boy did. I do tend to like their songs, I enjoy their bizarre turns of phrase and incomprehensible metaphors, but there is a line you need to draw in the sand and the clearest place to draw it is at rhyming “Metroid” and “George Floyd.” The fact everything is completely out of order (missing the whole point of the original) and omits several notable events (No O.J.? No COVID?) makes this one of the shittiest sequels since Pacific Rim: Uprising.
3. “We Will Dance Again” – Boy George
This is just a perfect storm of awful. Created using AI by a psychopath who kidnapped and beat an escort to act as Israeli propaganda and whitewash their genocide in Palestine, this is one of the most repulsive things an artist has ever shat out. Normally I wouldn’t even rank an AI song so high, because again, this isn’t art at all, but unlike the one on the previous list this is basically just Nazi propaganda to a shitty reggae beat. Being slop that hits the chart is one thing, being slop meant to help a mass murdering regime is another thing entirely. It’s easily up there with “You Dun Goofed” as an all-around repulsive work… but it isn’t art and was shat out by a computer. People love tossing around “Spiritually Israeli” to demean shitty things they don’t like, but this actually fits the bill. It’s soulless, it’s evil, it has incredible contempt for Palestinians, and Boy George claims ownership over it even though he didn’t create it himself—a true encapsulation of Israel if there ever was one. And that title will never come true, too; a better gay musician named George pointed out guilty feet have got no rhythm, so they’re never gonna dance again.
2. “Jailbait” – Ted Nugent
Who would have guessed the Trump supporter rock star who preaches about preserving family values has an entire song about how he wants to fuck a child? Out of all the statutory rape songs I’ve discussed here, this one just goes above and beyond to be utterly vile; at the time this song came out, Ted was in his thirties lusting after a 13-year-old. And when the cops show up in the song, he offers to share this child with them. And you can’t even excuse it away as him doing a bit, because HE HAS ADMITTED TO FUCKING UNDERAGE GIRLS. Courtney Love says she blew him when she was 14, and there was a line of girls behind her waiting to do the same! In 1978 when he was 29 he started a relationship with a 17-year-old from Hawaii, and he may have even become her legal guardian! Nugent is one of the most repulsive musicians out there in every regard, and unlike “My Sharona” this song can’t even fall back on sounding good! If you’re going to be a disgusting creep, at least make a token effort to be listenable!
1. “Imagine” – Gal Gadot and a whole bunch of celebrities
Out-of-touch celebrity sing-a-longs are nothing new, and awful charity singles will always find their way onto lists like this. But I don’t think there is any single one that had such a colossal, massive negative impact on the world as this one. It’d be one thing if this was just a corny video of celebs trying to make us feel better during COVID quarantine, trying to unite us in a way that was up their collective asses, but the fact a vast majority of the featured celebrities are clearly unhappy about even being roped into this and are half-assing it on purpose undermines any goodwill that could’ve been mined from this heaping helping of glurge. But that’s not even the worst of it! After this came out, it suddenly became a very prominent fact that Gadot was a former IDF member; I believe she was just a fitness trainer so she wasn’t out there sniping babies, but it’s still not a great look especially when she has been vocally pro-Israel even as they are blatantly committing genocide. And the rancid cherry on top of this shitty sundae is that it pretty much completely and totally obliterated the reputation of “Imagine,” a song that had a reputation as being obnoxiously hippy-dippy but at least had beautiful instrumentation and was sung by one of the Beatles; nowadays I see it pop up on lists of the worst songs ever, and I promise you this dogshit cover had everything to do with it. It is a song where everything about it, from its existence to its lead singer to its legacy, is unbelievably rancid.
Story time: Last night, I had a dream where Trump, somehow, made it to the end of his term, but he straight-up forgot to pardon anybody in his cabinet or his family members, causing all of them to start freaking out because they now knew what was coming for them. There was also a viral meme of the clip of Dr. Facilier's death with the caption "Trump's cabinet members and family members realizing that he didn't pardon any of them."
I hope this happens minus the part where he lives three more years
Michael After Midnight: 30 More Fucking Terrible Songs
There I was, innocently enjoying my day after having posted my initial list of awful songs, when all of a sudden I was struck by a hellish bolt from the blue: I forgot to put “Muskrat Love” on the list. Fuck’s sake, I hate that song and gag every time my wife puts it on and I just left it off the list? Now it can’t be paired with the visual of AI Charlie Kirk listening to foot music! This fucking sucks!
But you know what sucks even more? These songs.
In part two of my potentially endless list of terrible music, I’m throwing in a few I left off the previous list as well as some more controversial choices. I’ve put a few songs that are generally well-liked this time, but I genuinely think they are awful showings from their respective artists. I also included a lot more songs about lusting after underage girls, because I sure missed a lot last time! “Into the Night” almost made the cut for this reason, until I learned of the context behind the song; it made it significantly less creepy.
I’ve also decided now is the time to start throwing in awful covers. It’s kind of weird, since most of the time the artist is singing words that worked better coming from another artist’s mouth, but the ones I put here are bad enough you’ll understand why I added them. There is, unfortunately, another AI song on this list, but this one is rancid for reasons beyond merely being AI (and no, it’s still not “We Are Charlie Kirk,” that song is one of the most ironically hilarious songs of the past ten years and will not be on these lists).
Also, to be clear here: None of these songs really supplant the positions of anything from the previous list. Nothing here is as bad as “You Dun Goofed”—although the bottom four really give that one a run for its money. Maybe someday I’ll do a massive list combining everything together, but for now, see this more a supplemental list to the first one, a bonus chapter in the unending story of audio torture. The position isn’t the biggest deal, it’s the fact these songs are straight up ass.
Since I want this to be a reoccurring feature on my blog, I’m definitely open to suggestions. If you know some particularly dogshit music, send it in! It might make it on the next iteration. I still have a handful more awful songs and some recommendations I haven’t checked out yet, but I think I want to talk about some less awful music next. So let’s stop stalling and dive in to this bullshit and get it over with:
30. “Bicycle Race” – Queen
Look, I love Queen and Freddie Mercury as much as everyone else, but I despise insincerity. Finding out that Freddie didn’t much care for bikes but absolutely loved Star Wars (something that should have been obvious from the moment he sang Flash Gordon’s theme song) it really ruined a song I already thought was exceptionally lame for their discography. The fact this was a B-side for the masterpiece that is “Fat Bottomed Girls,” an ode to big butts so perfect and genuine only a bisexual man could pull it off, just makes it all the worse. At any rate, if you’re a fan you can take solace in knowing it’s probably the least awful song on this list.
29. “High Hopes” – Panic! At the Disco
There is something insufferably catchy about this, which is probably why I didn’t rank it higher; I am almost begrudgingly entertained by it. But I think the song is by and large just too much; the horns are too blaring, the vocals are too crisp, it’s just way too upbeat, and it’s too polished. It lacks a real punch and feels uncannily fake. I’m not sure how to really describe it. Maybe I should just say it’s annoying and move on.
28. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” – Poison
I have said for years that power ballads are literally the worst kind of hair metal song, because 9 times out of 10 they lack any sort of sincerity whatsoever. They are sensitive songs about how much the singer loves and respects women, how much they yearn for love, and are typically preceded by and are then followed by multiple songs about snorting coke off of a hooker’s ass cheeks. There are some good ones such as “Mama I’m Coming Home” and “Home Sweet Home,” and there are good parodies as well (“I’m Just Ken” and “Lost in the Woods” in particular since the emotions of the characters singing them are genuine even if it’s for a gag), but whenever you have a bunch of misogynistic meatheads trying to convince you that they have a sensitive sign it rings incredibly hollow. I despise insincerity so much, and it doesn’t get much more insincere than this one. Poison to me are the 80s version of Nickelback, an overproduced and overplayed band that isn’t really awful but are truly unremarkable compared to their more honestly filthy peers. It’s such a dopey and emotionally manipulative song, and it shines bright as the biggest example of the shortcomings of the power ballad.
27. “My Sharona” – The Knack
Maybe my most controversial pick yet, here’s this dad rock classic! At age 25, lead vocalist Doug Fieger met the 17-year-old Sharona Alperin and for the next four years they were a couple, with her inspiring numerous songs—including this one. So when he’s singing about how het gets it up for the touch of the younger kind, just know that h-h-his Sharona is exactly who he’s singing about. Barf. And yet, somehow, this still isn’t the most egregious statutory rape song on the list! And here I thought this would just be shitty novelty songs and sappy ballads...
26. “You’re the Inspiration” – Chicago
Soft rock produces either some of the coziest jams you’ve ever heard or the most insipid, foul earworms imaginable. This is firmly in the latter camp, just one of the most obnoxiously sappy ballads you’ll ever have the misfortune of suffering through. It sounds like it should play during a slow-mo scene in a D-tier 80s romance movie.
25. “Girl You Know It’s True” – Milli Vanilli
Over the years, I was always incredibly sympathetic to the story of this band. I don’t think the lip-synching thing should have been treated as if it’s a crime so serious they need to return their Grammy when future artists like Chris Brown and Kanye West did far worse things and weren’t required to return their awards. But the thing is, so seriously was their crime that they were effectively unpersoned from the radio and so I never heard the songs that made them famous. So when I listened to them for the first time when making my Weird Al retrospective, I was shocked—shocked they could ever win a Grammy for such a fucking awful song in the first place! Al definitely improved on this garbage in every regard, because it is genuinely the worst aspects of late 80s dance tracks all jammed into one dreadful song, from the insipid lyrics to the pseudo-rapping. I feel for Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus, particularly the latter since the scandal drove him to his death, but I genuinely don’t understand awarding something this worthless. This is the musical equivalent of Crash winning Best Picture.
24. “Carnival” – Kanye West
This actually almost made it on the last list, but it was a pretty easy cut for one simple reason: This song is boring. It’s just a bunch of bad blowjob and sex references, wow, how groundbreaking! Even at his shittiest Kanye is at least interesting to talk about; look at the horrendously egregious “Heil Hitler,” which I got an entire review out of. This shit is just juvenile, stupid, and perhaps worst of all lazy. If Kanye is gonna be provocative and get the people going, he needs to stop putting out pieces of shit like this for breakfast.
23. “The Lazy Song” – Bruno Mars
It’s amazing how Bruno went from making shit like this to helping usher in a glorious comeback for disco and funk by making some of the best genre throwbacks imaginable. His early work is plagued with awful, sappy, sentimental nonsense and outright goofy schlock like the so bad it’s good “Gorilla,” but this song here is the nadir of those days, an obnoxious tune that truly lives up to its title by being utterly lazy. It almost redeems itself with its music video starring Leonard Nimoy, but without Spock onscreen it’s not worth a listen.
22. “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” – The Beatles
I love Paul McCartney. His album McCartney II is one of my favorites and the song “Temporary Secretary” off it is a masterpiece in my eyes, highlighting how bold, creative, and crazy he is. Unfortunately being a wacko who does nutty things doesn’t always pay off, and this abysmal track is one such time. It’s so obnoxiously insipid and worst of all it is remarkably uncool, not something a band that’s more popular than Jesus wants to come across as. This doesn’t rank higher because I think it’s good this is on The White Album; the most perfect album by the band, one in which they dive into just about every imaginable genre they could, would be incomplete without trying to make something awful.
21. “Scars to Your Beautiful” – Alessia Cara
A flimsy empowerment anthem. What is there even to say about this? It’s such an empty nothing of a song, with trite lyrics and the sappiest message imaginable. It’s not even fun to talk about.
20. “Achy Breaky Heart” – Billy Ray Cyrus
You’d almost feel bad for Billy Ray Cyrus if he wasn’t himself. Imagine having a kid who’s incredibly talented and successful, having risen above her corny Disney show roots into a pop idol with some respectable hits under your belt, and you’re just a lame, washed-up chud whose main claim to fame is sporting a mullet and singing the dorkiest country dance jam of all time. I think the moment that really kills the whole song is the smarmy, sniveling delivery of “He never really liked me anyway.” It’s just so obnoxious.
19. “Roar” – Katy Perry
“Fight Song” may be the queen of awful inspirational pop tunes, but this is the princess or maybe some kind of duchess. It is such a hollow song devoid of the tasteless charms Perry had made her bread and butter, the flimsiest of female empowerment anthems; the roar is coming from a paper tiger here.
18. “ABCDEFU” – Gayle
I don’t know why, but the early 2020s were plagued by a bunch of musicians making edgy, vulgar versions of nursery rhymes. This one became a viral smash, and much like any virus the more exposure you got to it the sicker you became because this is an utterly awful and juvenile song.
17. “The Laughing Gnome” – David Bowie
I love David Bowie as an actor and singer, but one thing I’ve always thought while listening to his music is how much better it would be if a deranged David Seville-ass gnome started giggling across the track. Thankfully he already covered this early in his career and, uh… well, I’m sure glad his career survived this shit.
16. “All Summer Long” – Kid Rock
I think we need to applaud Kid Rock for getting a song on here for something other than being horribly offensive or idiotically cringeworthy! Yes, this song is on here because it’s fucking annoying and stupid! An unholy mashup of “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Werewolves of London” that tricks you into thinking you’ll hear a good song from the opening notes, Kid Rock showcases his unfathomable IQ by rhyming “things” with “things” in the chorus. At least he isn’t doing something nasty like singing the praises of statutory rape, though! That would be terrible!
15. “#Selfie” – The Chainsmokers
Rarely do you see a band kill their own career before it even starts. This is one of the most annoying, insufferable songs of all time; the vast majority of it is listening to the most annoying woman you’ve ever heard ramble on and on before the beat drops, and it forever tainted the name of the Chainsmokers. People call “Closer,” an actually decent song, awful just because of how bad this fucking song is. Sure, it’s satirical, but isn’t satire supposed to be funny or at the very least able to be enjoyed on some level? If I wanted to listen to an annoying, snotty bitch ramble in my ear I’d play one of Taylor Swift’s diss tracks—at least they’re bad in interesting ways.
14. “Respect and Obey Authority” – X-treme Power
With a name like that, you’re probably something a little more radical than a bunch of kids shittily singing over what sounds like a stock beat. And you’d be right to expect that, because this is radical—radical Christianity, that is! The lyrics are all a cultish call to bend the knee, unquestioningly obey your elders, bow down before the one you serve... Well, these kids are gonna get what they deserve: A spot on this list. But I have to stress here I don’t hold this bad music against young, impressionable, and likely brainwashed children; whatever adults in their life demanded they do this are the true villains here.
13. “Rude” – Magic!
This song is one of many in the long line of tunes designed solely to torture minimum wage workers, but it has a lot more going for it to bump it this high besides being insufferable easy listening schlock. The lyrical content is beyond obnoxious, with the narrator whining about how rude a father is for saying he’s not good enough to marry his daughter and then claiming he’ll marry her anyway, thus instantly proving the father had him pegged down. It’s such a lame, whiny dudebro reggae tune.
12. “Twinkle Twinkle” – Leah Kate
Of all the awful edgelord takes on nursery rhymes, this one is the most annoying and cringeworthy. It plays out like a kid just learning how to cuss, with some of the most obnoxiously egregious uses of profanity around and reading like your average mean girl fantasy. It’s a song about as deep as a puddle of piss, and as pleasant as one too.
11. “Cool, Daddy Cool” – Kid Rock and Joe C.
This song is legendary for two reasons. The first is that Kid Rock openly and proudly sings “Young ladies, young ladies/I like 'em underage, see/Some say that's statutory/But I say it's mandatory,” which is usually bad enough on its own. But the fact this song was somehow featured on the soundtrack of the family film Osmosis Jones is the second and more baffling element. Of course, even if you cut that line out there’s still lines like “Grubbin' on some pork rinds/Kickin' out them sex rhymes” so if you were expecting anything more from Kid Rock in his heyday you’re gonna be disappointed. I will say, him admitting “My story ain't that complex” is the most honest thing he has ever put to song, because he truly is the most pathetically one-note and simple chud musician ever. Decade after decade of making the same sweaty sex offender methhead music with no evolution...
10. “Muskrat Love” – Captain & Tennille
This is the song that made me decide to do another list, because I’d completely forgotten about it the first time around. This is one of the most vomit-inducing love songs I’ve ever heard—I shouldn’t have to think about muskrats fucking at any time—but the fact it’s a cover, and a cover that was already done far better (but not by much) by America just makes it suck all the more. This is the sort of song you listen to and you’ll either love it or hate it, and hate it I do. Not as much as most of the first list or as much as the next few songs, but hate it I do. Still, considering it’s basically a copy of a copy and far less offensive than some of the other rancid songs I discovered, I’m sparing it from my ire ever so slightly.
9. “I’m Good (Blue)” – Bebe Rexha
Nothing has ever been able to convince me that Bebe Rexha is a real person. Every single song by her is little more than a vapid first draft worth of lyrics and nowhere is that more readily apparent than this slab of molten ass. “I’m good, yeah, I’m feeling alright,” is perhaps the most pathetic attempt at starting a chorus I’ve ever seen; a toddler could come up with better lyrics. And then there’s the sampling of the deliciously cheesy “Blue” and doing nothing with it… a song this shitty should ensure Rexha’s career da-ba-dee-da-ba-dies.
8. “Dance Monkey” – Tones and I
I’d never heard this song by some merciful act of God before making this list, but I found so many people citing it as one of the worst songs ever. Surely it had to be hyperbole? Could it really be that bad? The answer, as you can see, is a resounding YES. This is the kind of music retail workers are forced to endure on a daily basis, but it’s even worse because it either sounds like someone doing a terrible Sia impression or a racist accent. It is insipid, annoying, grating, and generally just worthless. It’s like it was made in a lab to be the single most irritating song in existence, the musical equivalent of a mosquito in a spot you just can’t reach.
7. “Freaky Friday” – Lil Dicky
Lil Dicky is most definitely going to Hell. I do think “Earth” is worse by a large margin as an actual song, but this song is repulsive on a meta level for giving more exposure to the unrepentant psychopathic domestic abuser that is Chris Brown. Then again, Dicky ain’t too clean himself—researching for this song is how I found out he performed in Tel Aviv to raise money for the IDF back in 2017. So yeah, these two pieces of shit deserve each other.
6. “Marvin Gaye” – Charlie Puth feat. The Devil Herself, Meghan Trainor
Few songs just come out the get letting you know how awful they are, but good ol’ Charlie belts out “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on” right away, which lets you know exactly what you’re in for. Invoking the name of someone known for sexy and soulful music for your shitty pop song is one thing, but the fact Charlie felt the need to call upon the sexless succubus of pop herself, Meghan Trainor, to assist him in desecrating Gaye’s good name makes this all the more repulsive.
5. “Kim” – Eminem
Eminem is back in the top 10 yet again with what may be the worst edgy song he’s ever made! Songs like “Stan,” “’97 Bonnie & Clyde,” “My Name Is,” “Guilty Conscience,” and even the so bad it’s good “Houdini” are filled with the most tryhard, violent, offensive lyrics imaginable or otherwise incredibly dark subject matter, but Marshall manages to make them work with great flow, killer wordplay, and so on. So imagine a song that has none of that and is just him violently screaming for six straight minutes over the drum beat from “When the Levee Breaks” as he plays out a sick fantasy where he brutally murders his ex Kim after admitting to murdering her new man and his little son. Even by the edgelord standards of the time this really just goes way too far, and is truly an unpleasant experience.
4. “We Didn’t Start the Fire” – Fall Out Boy
I’m one of the few people on this Earth who genuinely loves “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” It’s corny and ridiculous and it has all the energy of a student doing research for a school project at the last minute, but it really is a lot of fun and shows that even when Billy Joel was half-assing it he’s incapable of making something that isn’t catchy. So of course as a kid I always wanted a sequel, one where he recapped all of the events that happened between part one dropping and the modern day. Unfortunately, Joel didn’t step up to deliver. Fall Out Boy did. I do tend to like their songs, I enjoy their bizarre turns of phrase and incomprehensible metaphors, but there is a line you need to draw in the sand and the clearest place to draw it is at rhyming “Metroid” and “George Floyd.” The fact everything is completely out of order (missing the whole point of the original) and omits several notable events (No O.J.? No COVID?) makes this one of the shittiest sequels since Pacific Rim: Uprising.
3. “We Will Dance Again” – Boy George
This is just a perfect storm of awful. Created using AI by a psychopath who kidnapped and beat an escort to act as Israeli propaganda and whitewash their genocide in Palestine, this is one of the most repulsive things an artist has ever shat out. Normally I wouldn’t even rank an AI song so high, because again, this isn’t art at all, but unlike the one on the previous list this is basically just Nazi propaganda to a shitty reggae beat. Being slop that hits the chart is one thing, being slop meant to help a mass murdering regime is another thing entirely. It’s easily up there with “You Dun Goofed” as an all-around repulsive work… but it isn’t art and was shat out by a computer. People love tossing around “Spiritually Israeli” to demean shitty things they don’t like, but this actually fits the bill. It’s soulless, it’s evil, it has incredible contempt for Palestinians, and Boy George claims ownership over it even though he didn’t create it himself—a true encapsulation of Israel if there ever was one. And that title will never come true, too; a better gay musician named George pointed out guilty feet have got no rhythm, so they’re never gonna dance again.
2. “Jailbait” – Ted Nugent
Who would have guessed the Trump supporter rock star who preaches about preserving family values has an entire song about how he wants to fuck a child? Out of all the statutory rape songs I’ve discussed here, this one just goes above and beyond to be utterly vile; at the time this song came out, Ted was in his thirties lusting after a 13-year-old. And when the cops show up in the song, he offers to share this child with them. And you can’t even excuse it away as him doing a bit, because HE HAS ADMITTED TO FUCKING UNDERAGE GIRLS. Courtney Love says she blew him when she was 14, and there was a line of girls behind her waiting to do the same! In 1978 when he was 29 he started a relationship with a 17-year-old from Hawaii, and he may have even become her legal guardian! Nugent is one of the most repulsive musicians out there in every regard, and unlike “My Sharona” this song can’t even fall back on sounding good! If you’re going to be a disgusting creep, at least make a token effort to be listenable!
1. “Imagine” – Gal Gadot and a whole bunch of celebrities
Out-of-touch celebrity sing-a-longs are nothing new, and awful charity singles will always find their way onto lists like this. But I don’t think there is any single one that had such a colossal, massive negative impact on the world as this one. It’d be one thing if this was just a corny video of celebs trying to make us feel better during COVID quarantine, trying to unite us in a way that was up their collective asses, but the fact a vast majority of the featured celebrities are clearly unhappy about even being roped into this and are half-assing it on purpose undermines any goodwill that could’ve been mined from this heaping helping of glurge. But that’s not even the worst of it! After this came out, it suddenly became a very prominent fact that Gadot was a former IDF member; I believe she was just a fitness trainer so she wasn’t out there sniping babies, but it’s still not a great look especially when she has been vocally pro-Israel even as they are blatantly committing genocide. And the rancid cherry on top of this shitty sundae is that it pretty much completely and totally obliterated the reputation of “Imagine,” a song that had a reputation as being obnoxiously hippy-dippy but at least had beautiful instrumentation and was sung by one of the Beatles; nowadays I see it pop up on lists of the worst songs ever, and I promise you this dogshit cover had everything to do with it. It is a song where everything about it, from its existence to its lead singer to its legacy, is unbelievably rancid.
I keep seeing people being really weird and nasty about Odessa A’zion on Twitter, with some people saying they will be legitimately mad if she’s Rogue in the X-Men. And it’s like… she’s a good actress? Why be mad?
And I know why, they’re convinced she’s a Zionist for some reason, but like… on what basis? She said she isn’t already and has said nothing pro-Israel as far as I’ve seen. It literally feels like it’s just cuz she’s Jewish and has “zion” in her name.
It has been nearly 30 years now. The series wrapped up nicely in 2011 with the final film. There is no reason why the world should still be so rabidly obsessed with a series of books for children. We don’t need more books, movies, or shows. It’s good. We don’t need to be rerouting energy lines through Bronze Age remains for a fictional elf or clogging train stations for middle aged weirdos to gawk at trains. We do not need to be funneling money to a deranged billionaire who funds anti-trans legislation. Why are we doing this? Why are we still here? What is the point of this? I don’t even think these books are so bad they should be relegated to the trash heap but they aren’t so good they deserve a cult. It’s deranged.
Funniest discourse rn: wether or not trump suffered ‘aura loss’ for having been shoved into an airline food truck into a smaller military craft to avoid getting assassinated by Iran.
so many misguided metaphors around violence and desire. if the open maw of a panting beast fills you with the want to be devoured, that does not make you prey. while the rabbit trembles in fear, its deepest desire is to run. evolution demands it. in fact, the desire to be eaten does not make you any small animal at all.
theguardian()com/environment/2026/aug/10/harry-potter-fans-force-relocation-of-430m-undersea-cable-to-avoid-dobbys-grave?utm_source=firefox-newtab-en-us I really fucking hate Harry Potter fans
These people are cattle and need to be put down
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