Phil - West Midlands, UK var sc_project=11779195; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="1ceb472a"; function preloadFunc() { var ip = userip; var bannedips=[ "67.165.178.192","86.138.199.138","37.164.153.118","99.138.106.209","37.166.170.201","207.237.248.227","207.237.248.227","24.136.8.36","186.149.207.203","99.127.162.89" ] var handleips=bannedips.join("|") handleips=new RegExp(handleips, "i") if (ip.search(handleips)!=-1){ window.location.replace("https://google.com"); document.write('Posts
Had the most lovely week off sailing around Rhodes, Greece, with L and friends!
Itās genuinely one of the first times in what feels like years where I havenāt checked my work emails or Teams for the entire duration! And Iām so glad for it - Iāve checked my messages this morning and straight away my brain has gone into overdrive and feeling anxious - I have a missed call from my bosses boss - we have never spoken before. Instantly my brain goes to the āyouāre firedā scenario! So glad I didnāt check my phone and ruin my holiday!
I have so much to write about, like our wedding day, the minimoon, the dog, or just general life, but I keep refraining from posting because I just want to post about Dad all the time.
I think genuinely that Iām doing okay in terms of grief, there is still the occasional cry most weeks. But I canāt fathom or express how odd it is that heās just not here any more? His existence is done? Solely a figment of our memory now or in photos.
What kicks me most is when Iām doing something at home - DIY or electrical, and Iāll think āah! Iāll just ask dad about that as heāll know what to do!ā And then reality sinks in.. urgh. Even typing that makes my eyes well up. He was taken too soon and was such a lovely chap. Life is cruel.
Iāve not updated you guys with puppy pics in so long! Barney is now 3 months old, heās growing quick - he cycles from sleeping, cuddling, being feral and biting loads, to back to sleeping.
Heās honestly such a pretty little dog! Cannot wait for the biting to stop tho.
Not only am I trying to maintain my (our) own home and garden, but now also trying to step up and fill dads boots of responsibility by helping mum with her house and garden.
It feels like I either disappoint L, or I disappoint my mum - one always loses.
Naturally mum wants her house and garden to look perfect for our wedding (where our reception is) but chill, itās still 3 weeks away. I think she is just very worked up and realising how much dad did - but it feels like mum forgets I have a job (even if I loathe it), and my own life to lead and list of jobs that need doing.
I feel hyper aware that time is the most valuable thing at present and I donāt have enough of it!! Wish I was wealthy enough to pay people to help out and have āstaffā so stuff gets done!!
I keep having a fleeting thought of āI feel differentā since dadās funeral, but I canāt put my finger on what has changed.
Not sure if itās good? Bad? Better? Worse? Just āsomeā feeling that Iām certain is not grief.
I am really, really struggling to find any motivation to do any work. Itās just not a priority (like way less than it already was). All I want to do is live my life and do the fun things that arenāt work!
I love to travel - but I feel hesitant to commit to plans. Iāve finally said yes to going to Spain next week after talking about it for nearly 6 months. Very excited for it!
Probably the most un-stag do like weekend in existence, and I loved it. Me, a few mates, riding motorbikes off-road and on- road from south to north Wales and back. Had a few beers, good food, great company, amazing weather - perfect!!
No strippers, no massive piss ups, no bad hangovers. Just good times!
A truly lovely but sad day - making notes so as I can look back in the future and recall it.
On my Dads side, I only have one cousin left (with the other being killed recently in December 2025), who I haven't seen for some 20 years. Mum asked him to be a pallbearer, along with myself and my two brothers-in-law. We arrived at the church having followed the hearse from home, the first thing I did was hug my cousin and with no words exchanged I immediately broke in to sobbing tears as he squeezed me. It makes me cry now thinking about it!
We expected around 120 people at the church - but at minimum 175 people had turned up!!! How lovely! The church can only fit ~85 people, so the remaining people all kindly stood and listened outside. We know of another 20-30 who wanted to come but couldnāt make it.āØāØIt was a mild day, but luckily no rain.
I'm aware that singing in church can either be full on or depressingly quiet - and I am SO relieved to say that everyone sang and with gusto. Some members from Dads rock choir were in the audience and they definitely helped - Dad would have loved it!!
We had lovely hymns, readings, poems (L wrote the most beautiful tribute poem!) and finally my eldest sister read the eulogy that Mum had wrote - she did an amazing job. I was a sobbing mess off and on throughout the service.
It feels like such an honour to be a pallbearer, and to have the priviledge of lowering the coffin in to the grave.
Once the act of committal had finished, I tried my hardest to not start wailing. Mum gave me a hug and she kept saying "it's not fair, he shouldn't have been taken from us" :-(
My cousins (Mums side), cousins-in-law, uncles and aunties came over one by one and spoke with me. āØāØThen friends came and spoke to me, or parents of my friends, and honestly each time I hugged someone they ended up crying as well!! Sorry! A lot of people said as we embraced that it was a reminder of their parents and it set them off - which I think is lovely. To me that says it must have been a nice and touching service. I think Dad would have loved it.
There were so many faces at the service that were from my childhood, family friends, neighbours (even my neighbours!) - so so many faces, and I'm sad that I probably only spoke to 30-40 people and I really wanted to say hi and thank you to everyone that turned up! It was much the same at the wake, people had left before I had chance to get around everyone.
I have really enjoyed these last 10 days or so of not working!
My works bereavement leave policy is 2 weeks as standard - but we have flexible leave, and my boss has said to me ātake as long as you needā.
I originally planned on going back after 2 weeks, being at work for a week, and then having my weeks holiday in Norway that Iāve had booked for ages. Part of me is now thinking about having the entire month off?? I donāt want to take the piss (also have big plans for honeymoon/other holidays this year) and kinda want to return to the routine of normality.. at the same time when will I ever be granted this again?! Torn!
Things I didnāt expect - to be crying so much at the lovely and sincere messages I have received since Dad has passed.
They are really pulling at my heart strings but in a nice way. I feel so incredibly lucky to have the family, friends, and even parents of friends in the little world that I live in.
Iām glad it was āshortā so there was no long suffering. I was by his side as it happened, as was mum, and L.
Honestly, it was oddly beautiful. Dad was relaxed. His breath slowed down. Like really slowed down. Mum was reading a lovely message from the shop that Dad volunteered at saying all the staff and customers are asking about him and that they miss him. I was rubbing his arm, telling him āitās okay dad, youāre safe, Iām here with you, youāre okayā. Mum was rubbing his other arm āyouāre loved Dad, we all love youā. He let out his final breath of air and thatās it. In the background was Take That - Rule The World which was quite uplifting.
I had to ring both my sisters and deliver the news. It felt like a privilege and honour to say it, even if I and they were a wreck.
Itās wild that he walked into hospital a little over a month ago, and since then everything has moved so incredibly quick. To say itās surreal wouldnāt even come close.
I feel really lucky to be surrounded by the friends I have, and for all the messages of support from you guys! So thank you.
Iāve just got home from taking sister+ baby in the US back to the airport (3rd journey to the airport for me in 3 weeks, all for her family, totalling 15hrs of driving, not that Iām slightly bitterā¦..)
I stopped off at a biking friendās on the way home and we got coffee and breakfast together, it was nice. Dropped him home and his partner had come home too - she works in the army, originally as a medic, and now in mental health.
She is genuinely one of the nicest people I know, but speaking to her about dad - wow. Probably one of the first people to actually listen with intent and care, and not attempt to solution-ise everything. I get that being a therapist is partly her job, but she really made me feel listened to with compassion. So nice!! I want to be that good at listening!
L is away on her sisterās hen-do this weekend, so I have the house to myself for the first time in nearly a month. No screaming baby, no screaming kids, not having to host any family, all I can hear is minor tinnitus in my ears and the wind blowing on the roof. Peaceful!
I feel bad for coming here and writing about such sad things and feel negative or down, but whatever, itās my space too, I guess.
The morphine made dad so sleepy and not great to visit tbh. Heās off of it now luckily, heās slightly more with it - but actually seems to have regressed since the first week.
Heās not eating or drinking now. Heās lost 14kg in 3 weeks, approx 15% of his weight. He is bed bound so that will be muscle loss as well as not eating.
He seems a lot more tired generally - constantly going in and out of sleep. His vision is now blurry so it hurts him to open his eyes. His ability to speak has gone from stringing along 3-4 words to struggling to say any word, and a lot of it makes no sense or is just made up stories, so I assume he is confused.
It is so tough to see.
The hospital wants dad off of the ward and either sent home or into a care home. Apparently thatās approx Ā£1500 per week for 4x45min daily visits for 2 carers at home, or at least Ā£2000 per week minimum for a care home. Mum does not want her life to become a full time carer - she wants her retirement, and obviously loves dad and wants the best for him. Iām now worried that everything with dad, or him getting worse, will be the end of her. She suffers with high blood pressure currently and the doctors have raised their concerns.
Blah.
Sometimes I can think about dad and be like āyep, itās time to pull the plug, he wouldnāt want thisā. Then I can go and see him, and heāll say something and Iām like THATS MY DAD!! Heās there!! The constant yo-yo of what state heās in is heart breaking.
Weāve been told his prognosis is likely short to long weeks - aka months to a year.
My parents had the stereotypical male female relationship, with dad being the breadwinner. Dad had grafted all of his life, never relied on the government, paid his taxes, and his retirement pot was set to be his and mumās pot. Thereās a chance him being in a home could smash any and all of his retirement funds - so what happens if mum has a bad turn? Where is she left?
I cannot believe how much life has turned in the last 3 weeks.
In early January I was saying to myself that everything seemed to be going well. Too well.
Iāve gotten much better at not crying, but typing out stuff like this makes me think about everything and I am a mess again.
