DANA HOWLINGS

That Email Did Not Take Place

[wooebloow]

Why can't you keep a ball gown in a car? Plenty of space back there, lots of air, but people would call you crazy.

[wooebloow]

Maybe I should just put this in someone's clammy hands.

[wooebloow]

Do you know where you are?…I'm going to call for counseling to help you on that one.

[wooebloow]

Why not extend your steering wheel to the back seat where there's lots of leg room and put your dog in the front?

[wooebloow]

Everybody thinks they can be Lord What's-His-Name, who by the way was broke, but no one remembers that.

[wooebloow]

Take a feng shui chart and put it over a suburban house. Deep trouble.

[wooebloow]

'Take a deep breath and exhale. Love, Dove™.' That's pathetic.

[wooebloow]

That old Maoist. May he rest in peace—or not. I don't know if you know anything about Sartre, but I don't miss him.

[wooebloow]

There's God, there's Jesus, and there's Alan Greenspan. And there's a fourth guy, but never mind him.

[wooebloow]

Joyce Carol Oates! Not a serial killer, but a total weirdo nonetheless. I had a friend who liked her. She was also a complete weirdo. You need to know that.

[wooebloow]

Ooh, chocolate. Want a hit?

[wooebloow]

Serial killer - strand, strand, strand. Get it?

[wooebloow]

'Hi, I'm Jennifer. What is your question?' My question is, where is the human that can answer my question?

[wooebloow]

Shit.

[wooebloow]

I know Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton were real people because I went to this thing in Washington once.

[wooebloow]

I think it's great that my friend in California and I can pretend to send pictures to each other over the internet, but the whole time I know that there's a wizard behind the curtain.

[wooebloow]

When I was a school girl, I did this huge project on Iceland. I talked all about Iceland - the geography, the people, everything. But the whole time, I had no idea if it was even real. I did this whole big thing and still wasn't convinced.