with all my heart

Chiara | 22 | she/her | ✨

[word-and-thought]

But who do you tell about the drowning sadness. That kind of sadness that spreads from your heart into your arms and legs until it reaches the last inch of your fingertips. It makes your body feel weird, like it is not yours anymore. How do you tell someone that you need a hug?

[word-and-thought]

And music will never be the same

Too much love will kill you - “too much love will kill you if you can’t make up your mind, torn between the lover and the love you leave behind” - you were torn, not only between lovers, but between worlds and it almost killed both of us

Only you - “wonder if you understand it’s just the touch of your hand behind a closed door” - sometimes I don’t know if it really happened all the touches behind closed doors

I always know - “so let’s go to bed before you say something real, so let’s go to bed before you say how you feel” - you almost said it, you almost kissed me, it almost happened right before we went to bed

[word-and-thought]

please hold me like you hold me in my dreams. close to chest, as near to your heart as possible. i don´t why, but I think it would fix everything, every broken piece of my soul at least for as long as you are near me. i know that this is where I belong, close to you. 

[word-and-thought]

and with my head on her chest and her heartbeat in my ears, the world stops moving. and it is fine.

[word-and-thought]

I want to get it off my mind, finally and forever. I don’t want to wake up after dreaming of you anymore. I want my thoughts back. And I probably need another pair of hands on my body, so I can finally forget how yours felt. How they reached between my thighs, more than once.

[word-and-thought]

Am I allowed to kiss you?

Sometimes you look at someone and you just know. You know that she is all you ever wanted. That she is everything that’s important. That she matters the most. But also sometimes you don’t know if you’re allowed to act on it. So we’re here and I look at you and I want to kiss you, but I can’t. Maybe you don’t want to. Maybe it would destroy something. And all so all the What ifs build a wall together. And all you can do is ask a question to tear the wall down. “Am I allowed to kiss you” The wall breaks. And as she says “I thought you would never ask” the world feels safe again.

[word-and-thought]

And suddenly her arms felt like home and everything made sense.  

[word-and-thought]

I need someone

I need someone to hold me when I’m sad

I need someone to kiss me when I think I’m not loveable

I need someone to hug me when I need the warmth

I need someone to be there when I don’t know what to do

I need someone to cuddle me and make me feel whole again

I need someone to love me

I need someone

[word-and-thought]

Dear future husband or wife (I guess I still don´t care),

we will meet some day, I know, but please don´t wait for too long. I wanna cherish every moment with and I want them all. I want to slow dance with you in the living room to silly love songs. I want to wake up next to you after a weird dream, being able to tell you all about it. I want to cook with you while almost burning the food, because I couldn´t stop to kiss your beautiful lips. I want to drive around with you singing every song at the top of your lungs. I want to tell you something that came to my mind just because I thought of telling you first. I want to cuddle with you on a rainy day watching a movie after another. I want to live every possible fantasy I have with you as often as possible. See you soon.

Yours always 

[word-and-thought]

All die Fehler / All the mistakes

“Ich bin voller Fehler. Ich kann nicht kochen, nicht mal Nudeln bekomme ich hin. Ich kann dir nichts vorlesen, weil ich nervös werde und anfange zu stottern. Ich habe kein Geld um dich auszuführen oder dir Blumen zu kaufen. Ich weiß nicht einmal was deine Lieblingsblumen sind. Ich kann dir rein gar nichts bieten und trotzdem siehst du mich an als würdest du Galaxien in meinen Augen sehen und als wäre ich das einzigste was du scharf und nicht verschwommen siehst. Warum? Wieso kannst du das noch, obwohl du alle meine Fehler kennst?” “Weil ich dich liebe und das alles ist was wichtig ist.

“I´m full of mistakes. I can´t cook, not even pasta. I can´t read something out to you, because I get nervous. I don´t have any money to take you out or buy you flowers. I don´t even know which ones are your favourite. I´m not able to give you anything, but you still look at me like there are galaxies in my eyes and I´m the only thing that isn´t blurred in your vision. Like I´m the only thing you see sharp. Why? How are you able to do that, even though you know all my mistakes?” - “Because I love you and that´s the most important thing.”

[word-and-thought]

The story that is missing some answers

You know it’s kind of a complicated story.

I had a crush on this guy since primary school, but sooner or later I gave up. I was just a child, so these feelings weren’t that strong or anything.

I got into my first relationship and time went by. I was happy for a while and I felt like home. But nothing worked out and I started to hang out with him more and maybe the world wanted my first relationship to end, because he feel for me. But I couldn’t fall. My head was full. I was still stuck with my feelings for my first love, so I broke his heart. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done. And it felt right and wrong at the same time. Again time went by and all of us grew up in a way. And we started texting again and we hang out a lot and cuddled and I could almost feel that this wasn’t a “we’re just friends” thing, but I tried to believe it. That’s all, we’re friends. He loves his girlfriend. He would never do anything to hurt her. But then other things happened. Things that weren’t “just friends” things for sure. My head was bursting each day, because we never talked about this. And on one side I want to talk about everything and what it meant to him, but on the other side I kinda don’t wanna know the truth. And in the end he left again. We talk from time to time, but I still don’t know what to think. I still think about all of this a lot. I sometimes dream about it. Maybe I’ll get an answer one day.

[word-and-thought]

You are my soulmate, but I am certainly not yours

It’s been one of these sleepovers, which led to a night full of deep talks. And sooner or later it it’s always about love. I never talk about my true feelings at this point, not because I don’t want to or I can’t. It’s mostly because I shouldn’t. Because I’m in love with this girl, that is sitting in front of me. And I can’t stop it. Every time she laughs it hits me and all I can’t think of is how to make her laugh again. Every time I look into her eyes my heart misses a beat. And now we’re here, talking about love. She started rambling about how she doesn’t know if she believes in love or if there is a thing like soulmates. I do believe in soulmates, because she is mine, but sadly I’m not hers. All of a sudden she says: “Nobody will ever be mad enough to love me.” And it just slips out.

“I must be nobody than.” - “What do you mean?” And I can’t anymore. It’s time. “Don’t tell me you’re this blind. I’ve loved you since the moment I first look into your eyes. And I didn’t even try to hide it. All our friends told me it was obvious. I mean they told me, that I look at you like you’re the most precious thing in the world. And I do, because you are and there are a shit ton lot of people who fell for you too. Who looked at you the same way I did. And who probably saw these galaxies in our eyes too. And it hurts that you’re my soulmate, but I’m certainly not yours. My heart belongs to you.” I’ve never talked this fast. It just came out. “You’re such an idiot.” And before I could realise what she said, I felt her lips touching mine.

As we broke apart she whispers: “You’re the reason why I thought soulmates don’t exist. Because you’re mine, but I thought I wasn’t yours.”

[word-and-thought]

Home

The revolution just started and all Connor could feel was lost. He never felt like

this before. It wasn’t part of his code. But now he wasn’t the property of Cyberlife anymore and there weren’t telling him what to do. He never had freedom. Or feelings. Or an own will.

He felt like he lost control and also everything else.

He was sitting at his desk at the police department. There were a few reasons why he didn’t quit this job. First of all he liked doing the work that need to be done. Secondly it gave his need a much needed structure and thirdly he was able to see Hank every day. His relationship with Hank always felt right and he knew that he never wanted to lose him. Like he almost did in the Cyberlife Tower.

“Connor?”, Hank asked, pulling Connor out of his thoughts. “Yes, Lieutenant.” - “For fucks sake don’t call me Lieutenant. Just say Hank.” - “I’m sorry, Lie- I mean Hank.” - “Please don’t be sorry. I shouldn’t have cursed. I apologise.” Suddenly a new feeling emerged inside of Connor. He felt cared for and respected. And to be honest he liked it. Hank continued to talk. “I just wanted to asked what you want to do now. I mean you’re free and I don’t if you have a home you can go to or anything. So if you need a place to stay, I have one.” Connor didn’t know what to say for the first time in his life. What did he want? He never thought of were to go after everything was done. “ I don’t know” - “Is everything alright?”, Hank now sounded kinda worried, like he thought something might be wrong with Connor and to be honest there was something wrong. Connor didn’t know what he wanted, because he was never supposed to want anything. “I don’t know, because I’m not supposed to want anything or I wasn’t supposed.” - “ it’s alright. Humans don’t know what they want all of the time. You just need to find out what you want okay?” - “But Lieu- Hank I’m not human.” - “Oh Connor you’re more human than most of the people I know. Just remember I don’t care that you’re not a real human. You can always come home to me.” Hank pulled him into a tight hug and a new feeling emerged inside of Connor. It was a feeling of belonging somewhere and it felt like home. “I want to come home to you, Hank.”, Connor whispered. He had found his will.

[word-and-thought]

You look shitty

It’s just been another shitty day in this fucked up country for Murphy. He wasn’t even happy that work was almost over for today and that he could leave soon. And to make the day even worse, he needed to work with Pena all day. Not that he disliked Pena. It was more that he did the opposite.

All of a sudden Pena creeped up behind him. “Steve, you look like shit. And it’s been like this for weeks. It began long before Conny left, so what the hell is wrong with you? You need to talk.” - “ I can’t Javi, I can’t tell.”, Murphy knew he just couldn’t tell him, because it would change everything and even though he thought his life couldn’t get worse, Pena leaving could probably top everything. “As long as you haven’t killed a child it can’t be that fucking bad. “ - “Javi, please, just let go. It’s not even that important. I can live with it.” Murphy had lived with it long enough so what would a few more months or so mean, but deep down he knew that it would just get worse. Pena was slowly losing his patience. “Look at me. Look at me, por favor.” Pena lifted up Murphy’s chin so he was forced to look at him. And that was the moment he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. It was to much. Looking into Pena’s worried eyes. Murphy laid an arm around Pena’s middle and draw him closer. Kissing him with every feeling and the last strength in his body. Murphy could almost felt how everything bad left his mind. All he could think of and concentrate on was Pena. How he smelled and how he felt. And suddenly everything inside him felt whole again.

[word-and-thought]

You must be someone special

Most of the time i did not care when people where sick. I mean I told them that it will be better soon and that I’m sorry that they are sick, but deep down I never really cared. But every time you don’t feel well, I get worried. And I get sad and I just hope that you get better soon. You must be someone special.

[word-and-thought]

But she is here with me, holding my hand.

And everything feels real and right.

And I finally feel truly happy again.

[word-and-thought]

I love how you’re smiling with your whole face and body, when you’re really happy about something, like when you met your favourite YouTuber.

I love how you holding my hand and letting me sit on your lap without making it weird.

I love how you listen to me, even when I’m only rambling.

I love how you share most of my opinions, but you’re never afraid to tell me what you’re truly thinking.

I love the way even the smallest things can make you really exited.

I love the way you’re able to be here with me without being physical here.

I love the way, you truly care.

I love you.