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#suicide mention /#dont worry i wont i just need to sleep i think #but god im thinking a lot abt death and its the worst

Really awkward when one of ur best friends hangs out w ur boyfriends ex and she sends u a snap of them hanging out yikes !!!!!

#its so awkward #like he knows she hangs out w her but its so weird

my favourite artist of all time was ON STAGE w my bf’s favourite artist in NEW YORK and he was THERE and i wasn’t AHHHH

and they covered st. vncent’s new york and some of the lyrics are like “new york isnt new york without you” and im literally crying?????

#thx!!!! heart's breaking

I always get so defensive whenever anyone says "I'm gonna be busy this week so I can't talk to you :)" bcoz I used to date people who would say they were busy but were actually busy actively avoiding me so now whenever anyone says it I get so petty like I'm not going to wait for ur messages u don't think I don't know ur gonna be busy lol like I'm gonna be busy too

#its a stupid thing to be petty abt and im trying to find the root of my emotions

the bf is in new york rn and i’ve been going thru a bad depression episode all weekend and he STILL takes the time to make sure im ok and reassures me how much he loves me like fUCK how did i get so lucky???????

#i love him so much??????#what the fuck???????

I love weed bcoz I cried so hard i went into an anxiety attack but as soon as I hit that joint I was back to feeling nothing so shout out to the devils lettuce

#feeling things? too much

having one of those days where the bf is going thru some shit and im sending him good wholesome content and affection and then he tells me the affection is too much and then i want to be mad but i know that would be shitty of me bcoz i know he’s going thru some shit but at the same time im like what do u want from me

#i told him im a bit upset #and idk what to do really #i dont wanna be that bitch thats like u dont like my affection???? fuck you!!!#bc that doesnt really matter to me #its something else #its the fact that i cant do anything to help and i know this and os i try to compensate by being overly affectionate #and its. dumb. and useless to be that way so like why do i even bother #i dont want to tell him that everything is pointless and we're all going to die but like #everything really is???? and none of us can be saved?

seeing my friend tonight super happy w her new bf made me feel sad bcoz they reminded me of when me and the bf started dating and i miss him so much

#i dont get to see him for another 2 or 3 months and it fuckin sucks #dont fall in love w someone who lives far away kids #go the fuck to sleep elly

Love when u have that realization that none of ur best friends know what it's like to have an abusive mom bcoz they all have good moms and like it's not their fault and they deserve good moms but it's just like man. It fucking SUCKS bc I deserve a good mom too :) but instead my whole life has been survival mode even until now :):):):):)

#im just thinking about my trauma and im in a shitty mood #i had a dream i had a daughter and it was a good dream #but then my brain was like u would be a shitty abusive mom so dont even try #and then u try and tell ur friends and then ur like. oh.#anyway im in the mood to isolate myself again

its gotten to the point where he understands my silence and knows when im upset and dont want to talk and it scares the shit out of me that he knows this much about me

#not in the mood to be alive today

Anyway I can feel myself slipping into another depressive episode and I really just want to break up with my boyfriend and stop talking to my friends because im a coward and don't want to have any connection to anyone ever

#i really just want to not exist

Last night I cried abt my classmate who died 4 years ago and I was super sad abt it bc it was the anniversary of her funeral and then I fell asleep and I had a dream that I was on the train w someone and there was endless oceans on either side and the sun was out and I felt completely content and calm and I felt like I was with someone but I didn't know who and im not superstitious or anything but when I woke up and went to work I realized the dream mightve been my classmate saying everything was going to be okay and Even if it's not the case it made me feel better.

#i was looking at her memorial page and theres a picture of her staring out over the ocean on a sunny day #so honestly thats why i thought it mightve been her

I had a dream I was talking to a trusted friend abt my relationship and they told me we should just commit and stop wasting our lives apart and loose like this. But god I'm still so afraid to fully commit

#i mean i freaked out the first time they mentioned we were dating #so commitment???? scary lmao

My friend tried to kill himself over the weekend and I'm also really sad that I can't spend Valentine's day with my bf but the latter is really trivial and I don't care abt a lot of things right now

#im tired of having to try and save my friends #i wish the world wasnt so awful

Me to the bf: ok but like I'm depressed and I'm not always going to be easy to understand and I have weird nit picky things about me like idk why ur dating me but if ur ok with all that???????

Him: yeah of course i understand I love you

#all u mentally ill bitches get u a freak like that wtf #me after he said this: doubt?????????#but hes never failed me so?????? this could be?????? real??????

Love when someone tells u ur too much and now I'm literally the song liability by lorde

there are many instances where I want to give up on this relationship bc im too fuckin scared and some aspects of it kill me and i get so sad thinking about how we have to try and see other people while simultaneously trying to be together bc we love each other but dont know what the fuck we want

but then he does something out of his way for me or says something so beautiful that reminds me how much he actually cares about me and im like. After this 6 months of openness and unsureness it’ll be alright. Everything is going to be okay. And I hold on.

#its hard now but i know if i give up it'll ruin everything #and by the time june hits everything will be weird and out of focus #so the best we can do is try to be together like this for 6 more months #i want to believe itll be worth it #and honestly for the first time in probably ever i think everything is going to be ok #and we can make it

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