The Variable
It only took one person to make you realize that the love you had for him was only familiarity. That one person to shake you out of your one-way and broaden the view for you. Instead of just seeing the road you were taking, you saw the skies lit up with vast green fields of possibilities you cannot even imagine. You start thinking of the what-ifs - what if I am with someone else? Will I be happier? What if I deserve to be treated this nice? Surprises, gifts, flowers and all? What if I long for freedom? Will that be okay?
And then you start to feel that hole in your heart that has been there for so long that you can't even remember you ever had it. You just didn't have time to know it because you are eyeing on the road. That glittery feeling you once had at the start but soon you realize that by time and getting-used-to made it disappear. Long before you even noticed.
You never intended to sway. In your mind you know that there is only one. But this person made you realize that he was not the one. He was far beyond being one. He has no time for you. He can't even text you to ask how did your day go. He did not even have time to give you flowers on your graduation day even if you told about the date a month before. I can list here all the things he disappointed you versus the times you actually were happy with him. That lovely feeling, it was all in your head. You imagined it to be perfect - but it wasn't.
Of course you did not ask for it. Heck, you are already talking marriage with him. "But why do I feel this way?"
So now you have two options how to escape:
- Break up with him, tell him you found someone who made you realize that you deserve better and make him think you are the most unfaithful girlfriend because you finally decide that you are worth more than he can give you, the amount of time and effort you have longed for the 7 year relationship that you had with him.
- Or, end both relationships. The romatic bf relationship and the somewhat-friendly/mutual understanding relationship.
After much thinking and sleepless nights, skipping meals and crying in the bathroom office, I chose the latter. End both and try to love myself more in the process. Not depending on others for my happiness. To choose my own happiness.
And it is, by far, the most liberating feeling I have ever felt in my whole life. But just as I thought I could feel the freedom, one guy came after me and built the bars again.
It was hard explaining things to him that I did not want someone to fill that hole for me. I want it to heal myself so I can be whole again. But it was such a long process of discussion and emotional turmoil with him. I do have feelings for him. I do love him. And with that, I lacked the courage to turn him down and make him wait longer than he already did - which I think probably a mistake for me because now I am struggling to see if that hole was already healed by myself or filled up by him. And that affects the relationship.
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