the things I want to say but won't

[wordstosayinthedark]

Today, we celebrate. Because last year was filled with tears, so that I may be able to smile for years to come.

[wordstosayinthedark]

Today, one year ago, is the last day I ever saw some of my best friends. The last day I worked a job that filled my soul. It was an opening shift, to give me more time getting ready to escape. I did the best I could do, prepping them with everything I could so they could succeed with me gone. And you all surprised me with cards and goodbye gifts. I hope you all know I never shut up about y'all, or the time spent together. I would not have survived everything if it weren't for your love and kindness from the day we met til the day y'all got me out. I will never forget any of you.

[wordstosayinthedark]

I still remember the exact layout of the two plazas on 238. The layout of that Burger King drive thru we frequented for absurd amounts of $1 nuggets. The drive to the Taco Bell up kinda by K-Mart. How we would stop at Rita's on a bad day to make it better.

Who would've thought id be haunted by fast food memories of you?

[wordstosayinthedark]

FUCK

[wordstosayinthedark]

Why did you text me?

I was doing so good, and now I wanna talk to you..

That's not fair

[wordstosayinthedark]

I wish

when you'd told me to kill myself

that I did

[wordstosayinthedark]

Its gonna be okay

I promise

[permeate]

[wordstosayinthedark]

I did so good, not crying over you..

Until I remembered to listen to that song you sent me

[wordstosayinthedark]

Chris asked if I was happy just now..

I almost broke down and cried on the spot.

He asked where I saw myself in 5 years and I said I don't know. I didn't wanna say back in PA.

I know me talking about this only makes it worse and harder for us both. I'm sorry. I just didn't realize how bad it was.

[eliminated]

[wordstosayinthedark]

your voice

sounds like home

[wordstosayinthedark]

Please don't go..

[wordstosayinthedark]

I've gone and hurt you again, haven't I?

[wordstosayinthedark]

I want to fucking kill myself

I have done nothing but cry for days. I can't eat, I can barely get out of bed.

I threw away e v e r y t h i n g I had, on a fucking whim that life could be better. I threw away an amazing career, wonderful friends, a beautiful home, a loving second family, and a fiancé I cared very much about.

And its all gone

[wordstosayinthedark]

I miss going to bed with you

Me, you, Bunny, and Green Bunny. You pout at me to rub your tummy or chest until I give in and we fall asleep.

[wordstosayinthedark]

Damn there's things I wanna say that I can't even say on here.. and I'll say a lot on here..