i'm fine, working on better

i am trying so hard to treat my heart like a door propped open.

[ohevoyev]

i miss the 90s i was barely conscious and had no responsibilities

[workingonbetter]

"This is it. I overheat my leftover morning coffee, and it is such a relief to be alive now. Now I know how to inhabit my body. Now I know there are people who love me. It is spring, I am ripe, I’m becoming."

it is spring here, now, finally.  i woke up at 8:18 and laid in bed for an hour doing nothing but scrolling through tumblr, a habit i badly want to break. there were so many other things i could have been doing for that hour: reading, writing, masturbating.  after my roommate left, i made breakfast.  overestimated the amount of butter i needed to grease the frying pan, got eggshells everywhere, made coffee, and heated up a bagel. sat on the living room floor, using the old steamer trunk my dad gave me as breakfast table. it’s nice sometimes, to be so alone here. i worry i will miss it too much once it’s gone.  i’ve spent this week alone, mostly. walking to work, working, walking home, and laying in bed. i think it’s good for me, to be alone sometimes. it reassures me that i can do this without anyone. i can get up in the mornings, i can come home in the afternoon, i can make myself breakfast and dinner, without anyone else.  i love people, but i don’t want to need them. i want to need myself only.  in a few months, everything will be different, again, already.