How do I want to be loved?
When asking a woman how she wants to be loved, there could be a variety of different answers. Ranging from a physical touch to an emotional _______. Something I’ve come to realize as I have grown older, is I find that my own personal answer changes. When I was a teen I just wanted someone to save me from my unbearable home life, and whoever had the courage to do that, I would give them everything. Seeing as I had to save myself from that home life, it looks like I award myself that courage and self-love. Going into my late teens and early 20’s, I’ve found that I must be showered with words of affirmation. I need to know that you think I am the most unique and wonderfully odd woman you have every met. One of the most touching compliments I have ever received in my life came to me recently. I was a bit drunk, and I can’t 100% say who the person was that gave me the compliment however I can tell you exactly what they said and how it made me feel. We were indulged in a very entertaining conversation about who knows what and all I remember is myself and the other person laughing and then they glanced at me and then looked down at their beer glass and said the words, “you are very colorful.” Some people would find that weird or even a bit insulting. But not me. Those words meant so much to me, it made me tear up in that moment. I’ve never felt more original, like I could do anything, become whatever I wanted and I never felt unlike everyone else before this moment.
I have so many urges to create and be and do some many different things and it’s like as soon as I begin to do those things, I stop. It’s so creatively frustrating. I don’t stop because I’m lazy, which I am, but because I’m bored of the topic. Being a sun sign Aquarius, I am constantly moving and doing something that captivates my short attention span. I have no fear to do the things I want, and I will have the courage to go out and get those things. However I feel bored as soon as I start my latest project…it almost feels like my heart is in a millions different unfinished projects. Which is odd, because I would also say it feels like my heart is constantly on fire, and ready for the next step. I am able to accomplish so many different things and be whoever I want, yet I’m stuck. I hate that feeling. Why do I feel stuck? Is it because I don’t want to go out and get a degree and then in my first semester get bored and quit? Like I’ve done before, I mean after all that is an expense that comes out of my own pocket.
I see I’ve gotten a bit side tracked from what the initial question was. So, “how do I want to be loved?” Well, every single human being has a different definition of love depending on how they were raised. That’s just a fact. No one has a solid definition of love, an exact guideline to follow. I do know for a fact I will not accept the love I was taught as a child. I will not let that become my personal definition of love. So, I am on my own to write my own script of love. Which isn’t a bad thing, in fact I’d say it was a good thing! It means I can literally write whatever I want. Whatever I feel comfortable with. Whatever sets my soul a blaze. Whatever gives me butterflies. Whatever gives me goosebumps. Whatever makes me crave something more than myself. Whatever gives me a knot in my stomach. I have “loved” my fair share of men, but only one gave me lessons that I try to carry with me into my current relationships. It felt the most real to me, it was so entirely pure. Honestly if I could recreate a love like that, I would. No matter the situation, my partner put me first. They saw the house I was living in and quickly became understanding to my incessant need to constant attention and affection. He adapted himself to me, and in turn I did the same for him.
I remember one specific incident like it was a scene from a movie. One night I was arguing with my mom via texts while I was at his house. It was about eight or nine at night and it began to drizzle. My mom couldn’t get ahold of me while I was at my boyfriend’s house and she instantly became infuriated. Making false accusations of us being sexually active and etc. So my mom texted me, after calling repeatedly and me failing to answer, saying she was going to pull up to his house in five minutes. I instantly broke down into tears when I read that text because I knew how detrimental it was for me not to answer the phone and how severe my punishment would be. I stormed out of my boyfriend’s house and hurriedly walked to a tire swing on a tree on his property. As I came close to the swing, I felt a tug at my arm and I suddenly stopped walking. There was a moment of silence, and as we stood there with the rain coming down harder, he pulled me close to him and just held me. I began sobbing harder into his chest while clutching his yellow vans jacket, and smelling his Axe chocolate body spray, hoping to not be forced to let go. He kissed me and reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere and then led me to the tire swing and sat with me and waited until my mom arrived. I remember this being the start of my mom telling me I couldn’t see him as often and then her arriving to the conclusion of that this relationship wasn’t acceptable in her eyes because he “wasn’t social enough for her.” How any parent can tear apart such an innocent relationship was and still is beyond me.
I still haven’t forgiven my mom for what she did, and I’m not sure I will until I find something exactly like that, if not better. I know I can’t seem to forgive myself for not standing up for my relationship with him and for letting my mother tear us apart so easily. I was a scared child, and after that heartache I promised myself I would never let anyone control my life again. I gained bravery but at the expense of losing someone I really and truly loved, and that was a terribly hard lesson to learn. I’ve heard the saying “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return,” and I truly believe that. With all of this being said, I want someone who looks at me and is in utter awe of the person I am. A man that loves with a gentle heart, and a man who can understand myself and my needs. A man who brings out the best in me. A man who knows my wanderlust heart and helps fulfill that. A man who allows me to express myself without giving me negative repercussions. A man who always is on my side no matter the cost. A man who is proud to be with me. A man who trusts and respects me. A man who encourages, and critiques with a loving mindset. A man who waters my growth. A man who reminds me on the worst days that I am a light in his life. A man who looks upon my face and sees his future. A man who every day, through every action, shows how much he appreciates me. A man who can quench even my most raw and animalistic thirsts. A man who sees the flaws I have and turns a blind eye to them. A man who is undoubtably mine. A man that is genuine with things that slip past his lips. A man who is slow to anger. A man with whom I can build my foundation on. This small piece of my definition of love is very much obtainable, but I wonder how much of this definition I am allowing myself to have? Why am I not allowing myself to have it all? Is it possible I don’t love myself in all the ways I listed?
jbbartram-illu
prguitarman
baratheonpilled
tangentwithtanner
