The Wreckoning

A Recovery Journal

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Day 139 - The Wall

I didn’t think I’d have to write this post. I was so elated and confident in my ability to abstain that I was convinced I had completely avoided “hitting the wall.”

At this juncture I can say that I am at that wall and it feels enormous. I am 4 days away from my wedding day, a time that I should be full of excitement and joy, and I have been floored at times by an overwhelming depression. My therapist believes I have hit “the wall” and suggested the option of SSRI’s to help bridge the gap between what I’m able to accomplish through therapy and my day-to-day functionality without alcohol. While I feel fine as I write this, there have been many moments of my days where I feel like I’m being crushed by the world. My mind wanders into very dark territory, and the though crosses my mind that having some drinks to numb these feelings would be so much easier than wading through it. Still, I persist.

I know now is not the time to succumb to depression and I’m looking to all options outside of taking a drug to feel better. More exercise? Less social media? Less news? Better diet? I wish there was a magic bullet answer because I feel like my life is being ripped away.

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Day 130

Been a while since I have journaled here, so here goes.

I’ve been having a great summer for the most part. Lots of weekend trips around New England. Recently visited an old friend on Martha’s Vineyard, and yesterday I traveled with a large group to Block Island.

Being on BI, while enjoyable, put me closely in touch with my sobriety. After a nice morning of bike riding, walking, and swimming, our day culminated with bar hopping. I managed to hang back and drink soft drinks, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bored as hell when it got to that part of the day. I’m thankful for my partner, who chose to stay sober with me, in solidarity. Sometimes I don’t know if I’d have made it this far without her show of support.

Although I already realized that social gatherings require a level of patience and an ability to self-entertain, yesterday I experienced in a way I have not before. I was in a place that I have made annual pilgrimages to every year as far back as I can remember, and where I had never spent a sober day in my life. I’m thankful I forced myself to experience Block Island without beer goggles on. It truly is a beautiful place.

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Gimme all the 🍨🍦🥧🍭🍪🍩... Seriously though, anyone else inhale sweets the way I do when not drinking? I’ve seen how much sugar they pour in a tank of beer... Going to take a lot of donuts to replace it 😂

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Day 85: How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Currently out in CA visiting my 89 year old grandmother and my dear aunt, who has been a constant show of support and strength in my life.

Headed out to meet up with a cousin in Oakland today, at an art museum. He sent me a link to a bar he thought I might like that’s near the museum. I waited all day to text him and finally just said “I’m not drinking this summer.” He said he always just thinks “beer” when I’m in town. This has been a constant in my 85 days of sobriety. I’ve done such a job of ingraining my drinking in peoples minds that they associate me with bars and beer. I am excited to reconnect with my cousin today without beer having to be the focus of our getting together.

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Day 82: Good News

I met with my doctor this morning to discuss blood work that was taken back in March, only after about a month of sobriety. My liver is total restored. I’ve eradicated alcoholic fatty liver disease. I now basically again have the liver of a normal, healthy person. One level is still in the high side of “normal,” but no longer in the danger zone. I’m ecstatic at this result. I can’t wait to see how good it looks when I go get blood work in July, after 5 months.

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Heavy Rotation: Royce the 5’9” - Book of Ryan Finally listened to this in its entirety on my long drive this past weekend. I found it inspiring as a person recovering from alcohol addiction. Royce is a sober rapper and not afraid to get real about his families history of addiction or his own struggle.

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Day 80: VT Weekend Recap

I spent this past weekend in VT, at a family cabin with my uncle. Though I am close with my uncle, it’s no secret that he has always encouraged me to binge drink and also that when we go to VT, we get wasted.

Saturday was my first time up there since giving up alcohol and truthfully I was scared shitless about whether I had the patience and will power to get through it. Then my uncle surprised me with a truly selfless gesture. When he showed up, he declared “I didn’t bring any beer. I’m going to try to go all weekend and not drink with you.” Wow. Never, in my lifetime, would I have seen this coming.

We had a great weekend. We saw wildlife, played cards, fished and swam at the river, and tried a great new restaurant. My uncle did eventually cave and have a glass of wine at dinner, but it didn’t bother me at all. I was so thankful that he didn’t bring any beer to the camp.

When we woke up the next morning and made coffee my uncle said “wow, it feels really great not to be hungover.”

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Day 72: Hitting the Wall

Have not been journaling here much. I have been experiencing lots of frustration in maintaining an alcohol free lifestyle as the summer approaches.

I went to a barbecue today. I was the first person that arrived and also the first to leave. I knew there would be alcohol and drugs and I felt I needed to not be around the temptation. Went home and worked on some projects and feeling a lot better. My desire is to maintain a social life without becoming frustrated by a need to not be around alcohol. Hopefully with time I will be able to be in social environments without going through what I experienced today.

[wreckoning-1]

55 days and 37 years

I turned 37 this past Monday. I didn’t want to do much as I feel it’s a somewhat insignificant year, but in hindsight this might be the most significant year of my life.

I had some plans to attend a political campaign launch, but my fiancé had other plans. When I walked in to the house after work, it was decorated in “Happy Birthday” banners and balloons. She had planned a surprise party (although nobody else was there yet, it was still a surprise).

As the hour approached, people began texting her to tell her they couldn’t make it. Literally 8 people that had committed to attending bailed on her last minute. I didn’t take it personal, but I did feel bad that she had put in all this effort and cooked all day and staged a party that very few people attended... but then something happened.

One at a time, a few of my friends started trickling in. One of my closest friends who is a new mother and has a baby in tow and lives somewhat out of the way came by. We talked and passed the baby around and enjoyed some mocktails... A couple that lives far away drove 2.5 hours in rush hour traffic to come down and celebrate with us... and a dear old friend, also recently sober, took a break between jobs to pop in and wish my a happy birthday. And I realized how special these people are.

Later on I would find out my fiancé has told everyone “NO BOOZE” at the party. I can’t help but wonder if this played a role in people not showing up. Perhaps the thought of social interaction with a group of strangers frightens people if they can’t lean on alcohol to cut through the awkwardness of finding commonality?

[wreckoning-1]

50 Days!

Well, despite all the stressors and curve balls that have been coming at me, I have made it to day 50!

Work has cut in to yoga and my exercise regiment but I am feeling (mostly) positive and healthy regardless.

Enjoying the sun as summer approaches. Lots of plans in motion for concerts and travel. Every experience is a new one when I take alcohol out of the equation, so I am looking forward to it all.

Off to volunteer this afternoon for the food bank and then an extra bartending shift later on.

[wreckoning-1]

Day 46: New Week, Who Dis?

Last week was the toughest yet. Brutal mental cravings for beer. So many things coming at me from every direction. I can Vee close to just saying “fuck it” and having a drink. Luckily I was surrounded by the right people and I put my energy into other things.

My week culminated in a long time employee calling me up high on pills and drunk and telling what a shitty boss I am. Pretty eviscerating. It was a hard weekend to get through without a drink. Truthfully, I was pretty hurt by this persons words.

Today I took him aside, as a friend, and told him how dangerous mixing pills and alcohol can be. Something I haven’t done in years, but have experience with nonetheless. As hurt as I was, I genuinely do care about this person and hope he pulls through.

Today he came into work as if the phone call never occurred. It’s tough to process all this.

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Day 42: The Struggle

I am stressing hard about work and anticipating big changes at home as far as my fiancé’s income, etc. It has been hard not to just pound a couple beers to slow my mind down.

I was feeling very confident and cocky the first thirty days or so and now I just feel like punching a wall. I need to get back into yoga!!! I’ve been slacking on that and the gym. Mind is clouded by frustration and disdain for my career in the alcohol industry. Need to reboot today!

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Day 32: Earth Day Weekend Recap I had an amazing Earth Day weekend. I participated in a beach clean up, visited two nature preserves, and planted some bushes in my yard. It is amazing how much time opens up to give back to the community when we stop allocating our free time to drinking. I’m looking forward to finding more ways to be of service in the coming spring & summer months.

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Day 29

I am writing this post as a form of “checking-in” with myself. While little has changed since my last post, I want to continue to document my journey at regular intervals.

Tomorrow will be 30 days of total sobriety. The irony is not lost on me that today is 4/20/18. While weed has never been an issue for me, I’ve eliminated it along with alcohol in an attempt to truly experience a clear head during this stage of my transformation. TRANSFORMATION! Ah, I like that word! It’s got such a better ring to it then “recovery.”

Speaking of transformation, I am approaching the end of my two week trial at the yoga studio I have been attending. I’ve tried a handful of different styles, and have found I prefer some more than others. Will try to squeeze in a couple more sessions before Monday. Overall, I cannot be thankful enough that I finally pushed myself into checking out yoga. My mind and my body haven’t felt this good in 23 years.

I am doing some volunteering tomorrow for an organization called Saves the Bay, and have two nature walks planned with friends over the weekend.

Feeling good 🤔... Almost too good. I keep waiting for disaster to strike or for myself to f@ck this up, but I honestly think I may actually just be transforming into a better, healthier version of me.

[wreckoning-1]

I’m sharing this video of Annie Grace, the author of This Naked Mind for a couple reasons: 1) Loneliness has been a major struggle and catalyst for my drinking, so the question is very pertinent to my own decision not to drink. 2) I have been thinking a lot about volunteering or “giving back” to my community lately. Perhaps the answer to my problem loneliness is within the urge to give back.

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Day 24: Sobriety vs. Society

Today I was thinking, and I realized something that is somewhat of an epiphany for me: Being sober is one of the most anti-establishment lifestyles one can lead.

I’ve always considered myself a punk rocker, or a non-conformist if you will, yet in my teens and my twenties I thought getting black-out drunk and popping pills was the biggest middle finger I could give to “the system.” But that’s not true and I am only now realizing this to a degree in that I have become aware that the truth is quite the opposite.

Taking good care of yourself is the biggest middle-finger you can give to the system.

Not supporting the alcohol industry that glamorizes our dependence on a drug. Not supporting big agriculture. Eating locally sourced food. Exercising. Doing yoga. Opting outside instead of feeding the machine. The list goes on.

Why it’s taken me over twenty years s to realize that my personal self-destruction is a casualty of buying into the system is beyond me. I always fancied myself anti-establishment because I would drink or do drugs at the most inappropriate of times. Today I am taking a new approach which is a complete 180 from my previous thinking.

[wreckoning-1]

Day 21

First off, yesterday was a good day. Work was smooth and painless, I had a good therapy session, and finished with a great beginners yoga class. I’m feeling very attracted to developing a yoga practice. After only 3 sessions, I’m feeling transformations that I never imagined. I’m less frustrated at work. I’m not getting angry with people in traffic. My back feels strong and my body is auto-correcting my posture. All in less than 2 weeks. I have to say it seems miraculous, and maybe it’s actually a combination of not drinking and doing yoga.

Last night I went out to a show at a small DIY space. I was a little apprehensive about going because I knew they’d be serving drinks, but truthfully I noticed only a small handful of people actually drank. I realized I normally part of that handful. I got to experience some amazing live music while completely sober and I can’t help but wish I had been a little less wasted at past events. Normally at shows my main concern is where our spot is in proximity a bar. Now I can stand in the front!

Bartended tonight. It was quiet. Home to finish reading This Naked Mind and off to sleep.

I do want to document a moment which occurred today at work. I was unloading some beer and I could smell that there was some damaged product somewhere. Eventually I found the damaged case and for some mandarin ipa on my hand, and for a brief moment, the thought crossed my mind to lick the beer off my hand... It smelled good. But would I have licked my hand if I was still drinking? Been pondering this all day.