poems and vents

They/Them

[sloppjockey]

dogperson iii. oil painting on coaster. yet another for 'salut 9' open now at Nucleus Portland

[relativefic]

study in self hatred

Searows house song // Jody Chan sick (via @geryone ) // Iain S. Thomas i wrote this for you // Lucy Dacus My mother & i // Kaven Akbar “calling a wolf a wolf” // unknown // Fernando Pessoa a little larger than the entire universe // Julien baker vanishing point // Lisa Marie Basile i put the coffin out to sea // boygenius souvenir

[metamorphesque]

touch as a love language

Margaret Atwood, Christophe Vacher, William Stafford, Alphonse Osbert, Shauna Barbosa, Sherrie McGraw, Natalie Diaz, Mark English, John Keats, Megan Howland, Marya Hornbacher, Ron Hicks, Sanober Khan, Ron Hicks, Banana Yoshimoto, Ron Hicks, Ocean Vuong, Anne Magill, Mary Oliver

buy me a coffee

[writer-is-depressed]

Perhaps the real tragedy, is that I carry on

[writer-is-depressed]

Can ghosts rot?

Can the man I loved, in the corner of my room, wither away again?

Can the lost friend, who I never got to say goodbye to, start growing mold?

When will the ghosts of my past turn into whispers of real ghosts?

When will they disappear and leave an essence of an essence?

Can they disappear in a cheap mockery of the first time they did?

When will the ghosts of the people who left me, the people I hold onto with the supernatural angle, the people I broke my nails into trying to get them to stay, when will the ghosts of those persons vanish finally into the air?

Can ghosts rot?

If I dont feed and water them will they vanish or just start smelling rotten?

"I want them gone" I cry into the night

"No, you don't" the night gently whispers back "or else you wouldn't cuddle them in the winter"

When was the last time those ghosts were that gentle with me?

Can ghosts rot?

I hope they do

[writer-is-depressed]

Youre like swallowing gum, a dumb, childish mistake that I will feel in my stomach for the next seven years while you're not actually here

[dr4gme]

[writer-is-depressed]

Curse my childish heart

Curse that it feels its okay to love at it's highest volume

Curse the child inside who feels its okay to hug with their whole body, with no armour on

Curse me for having feelings, I'm sorry, it won't happen again

Curse me for thinking you were a safe place place to land

[writer-is-depressed]

I see you, I see your flaws, I see your meaness, your cruelty, your excuses, your egotistical nature, your deafness when I try to talk and your need to be in the spotlight at all time, I see all

I still love you though, of course I do

Because when you love the sun you aren't blind to the burn it can cause, you just love the warmth it gives you still

[writer-is-depressed]

You call my love childish

You ask in disbelief

"That much?"

It vibrates through your vocal chords

Straight into my heart

It shatters it but I continue

Because first will forever be, look pretty

Not making it hard for you to look at me

Or be around me

So no crying

And no blood

I hold my wound but like, casually

I struggle to put the necessary pressure

But you might misinterpret that as anger

So no pressure

Just blood I'm holding together till you leave

I'll only break when you're not around to look at the consequences of your actions

The jar only shatters when the hammer is no longer in view

But thats not what you are is it?

You were never a hammer

I Made you one

With belief

Made you bigger than yourself, with your help of course

And now the jar is broken, the shards on the floor (metaphor, I know you have trouble with them)

The stains will never come out

[writer-is-depressed]

We really are a well oiled machine

You break me down, I make it beautiful

So it's easy to swallow and easy to forget

The human suffering it

The humans I should say

For does the hammer like to shatter the jar?

But there I go again, making it about you

The jar never gets its moment in the spotlight

All the shards will be swept away while the hammer moves on to the next

All the cuts in my fingers, trying to glue it back, all the new blood mixing with the old blood, isn't it poetic? Isn't it beautiful?

The golden glue, a poor replica of a real art form, seeps into my cuts, but it's fine its the same thing really, fixing back what you broke

You have that head tilt and those squinting eyes, signaling your confusion

You see the simple thing is that, it's a metaphor my dear, always speaking in the beautiful and confusing, its a method my darling, a way for it to hurt less, it doesn't work of course but it sure is pretty

The metaphor of course, is that the jar is my heart, the heart with the golden veins

[writer-is-depressed]

Let me lay down in your carcass

Let me stay inside for a while

Let me get to know the real you, the inside you

Let me make it cozy, let me touch up the place

Make it my own, just for a little

Let me stay inside till I get called by my mom for dinner

Let me take something with me, something to remember when you were my home

Let me have you as my safe space even while dead

Let me re-animate this love for a few cheap hours till I my mom invites me back to my old home

Let me stay in our home while the walls start rotting

Let me keep pretending you invited me in

Just for a few hours

Let me take your old heart with me

The one who felt a sliver of love for me

Let me

[writer-is-depressed]

Te amo

Te amo te amo te amo

Saying I love you doesn't sound true enough

Saying it in my mother tongue sounds like my childhood tears

"Te quiero"

Doesn't hold the meaning

Te amo

I hold my heart out to you

It burns to the touch but its worth it for you to look at the real me

Its putrid smell and salty tears overwhelm the senses

I hold my heart out to you

Its not much

It's all I have

I'll trade it for a smile

A smile you can fake

A smile you never meant

For me at least

Te amo

[writer-is-depressed]

The water washes my body, a new skin you'll never touch

I brush my teeth, new flavour you'll never taste

I sob again and again, the new tears you'll never wipe

Every day is a bit more of a new body you'll never get to have

[writer-is-depressed]

The fire in my chest spells out your name

I want to hug my heart and promise it you'll come back

We'll both taste the lie on the tongue

As bittersweet as the goodbye we should have had

My blood calls to you

It drips down my arms hoping it'll fall on your mouth

Finally something of mine inside you

[writer-is-depressed]

I slice my wrist, hoping for something else to come out

Hope the drip is the love I have pouring out

But when I look at my arm

All I see is your name carved out

[writer-is-depressed]

I want to lay on your table

I want to be laying up so you have to look into my eyes

I want to be there quietly and sincerely, never making a sound

Then I want you to pick up your carving knife

Maybe a fork if you would be so kind

Then I want you to cut into my chest and hold me down

I wont struggle, Im too tired

I won't ask you to stop, I wanted this

I won't howl in pain as you, careful always around my heart, break my ribcage wide open

As I hear the bones crunching and the blood pouring

I wanted this

I cant wait till your hands fit inside

Im so sorry you have to dirty them

I need you to place them inside and take it out

I wont move while I hear the pounding for once outside my chest

I wont cry thats a lie

My tears were already spent too many times

I will wait patiently, like always, while you take it out and hold it up

Like a warm, beating grapefruit I cant wait for you to take a bite

For the flavour to explode in your mouth

For the juice blood, my blood to drip down your chin, your beautiful chin

Finally, Im part of something beautiful

"I wanted this" I think

While you devour me whole

"I needed this" I know

While I become a part of you

A part, a small one, I could never compare to you

I could never make you change

Meanwhile Im alive, because here you are

I wanted this

Youre done chewing

Theres juice all over and you lick it clean

Your tongue holds more me in it than I

What is "I" anymore anyway

Youre done chewing and you swallow me whole

Finally

I go down and everywhere I go I touch, I stick, small parts

I will be here forever

You cant take me out

Im a heart made of metal and youre esophagus is a magnet and I will stay here till you die

Even then, I'll be there, thankful

I wanted this