how far have you wandered?
don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m asking you
well frankly you don’t know
this is for you;
please take your time;
read this
run away
dig your toes in the sand,
empty your pockets and jump into the sea
go crazy once in a while but remember what you are leaving behind
go deep in the water
remember how stupid and adorable you’ve been told you are by someone else,
and remember all the times you haven’t been noticed when you’ve put all your effort in
go deeper into the sea
remember the people that love you and would never leave you, and your impresence they would notice,
count the names of all those people on your hands,
only one hand will do,
and then come back to the shore
so listen, when you wake up tomorrow you won't remember too much
don't check your phone
it’s just another day
you'll snooze your alarm and close your eyes and then you'll remember
don't check your phone
you'll remember why the other side of your bed is empty and why your bedsheets still smell of someone that isn’t you
your phone will ring
don't check your phone
and the rest of the day you’ll drown in regret of all the things you’ve done and all the things you didn’t do,
don’t check your phone
I want you to take your notebook, glue two of the pages together
wait ten minutes
while you wait, go look at yourself in the mirror even if you don’t really want to,
and whisper to yourself all the sweet nothings that you hope someday, someone will whisper to you
pull the two pieces of paper apart;
notice how each sheet has pieces of the other still attached
that's you,
and that’s you too
you need to buy a new notebook, and two new dresses
do you remember that time that you fell in the playground and you don’t remember who pushed you, maybe it was your brother, or maybe it was that mean kid, but you were sure that you broke something
on a scale of one to ten where one is nothing and ten is excruciating pain;
how much pain are you feeling?
a five.
always a five?
and as you’re reading this,
this might be more than a six but just like then,
nothing’s broken
there’s a swing in the house you grew up in.
you loved that swing. you loved it.
your mum tells you, you were on it all the time.
the swing was tied to the branches of and old tree.
that tree has been there for as long as you or anyone else can remember.
it's roots stretch through the grass, and every monsoon storms tries to pull the tree out of the ground, but it remains.
its roots holding it down as the trunk hollows out
and very often the winds still swing on that swing and it’s almost as if the old tree misses you
go find a swing to swing on
the last time that you saw your best friend she told you that she missed you
you said that you miss her too
you took a sip of your coffee and it burnt your tongue like it always does
before you left she told you to call her later and you never did
you got tied up in the ‘I love yous’ and you watched her cross the road
by the time you noticed she paid the bill and you shout out her name
but the car sped up and you kept screaming
(you always find yourself screaming when it’s too late)
someone/something reminded you of her today
you should’ve texted her that day
call her
you’re helping your mum in the kitchen because you adore her and it’s father’s day soon and that reminded you of how you sort of forgot about how special she is to you except for that one day, and you wash the forks and the butter knives and the cups.
put all these things in their place,
your hands need softer things to hold right now
you remember once in school your friend told you that cokes tastes better in a glass bottle;
and that's all that you drink,
then it's plastic then aluminum
everything tastes better in a glass bottle until the bottle breaks
then it's all shards of glass
and bloody toes
plastic and aluminum are safe
but you know everything tastes better in a glass bottle
all of them
you know why it hurts now but it will be worth it to avoid that moment the moment when you try to log into your youtube account and realise that all her favorite songs are on your recently watched list
bite the inside of your cheek
try to touch the flame
take a sleeping pill at 3 pm
forget to turn your headlights on in the rain
turn off all of the lights in the house
do whatever you have to until you realize that you’re capable of hurting yourself
submerge yourself in water
don't ask me how I know but I know you need this
go to the beach and let the waves knock the wind out of you
don't ask me how I know but I know you need this
delete all the songs in your playlist, and then change the wallpaper on your phone
don't ask me how I know but I know you need this
go to garden and then stay in your bathroom all day
go sit with your sister and read that book you read when you were in grade six
you'll thank me later
