i’m just mad as hell cause i loved this place (for so long) - will smith
pairing: will smith x original female character
warnings: swearing, angst (or as much as i can do)
inspired by + title: so long, london by taylor swift
word count: 3.9k
author's note: something short that came up in my mind on a long airplane ride!! and i always am trying to improve my writing and this time i tried to focus on arguments. hope you enjoy and let me know what you think <3
Three years. Three years since Trinity Scarafone has walked through the Boston College campus that she spent four years at.
Part of it is because she just simply hasn’t been here a lot since then. Her job as part of the equipment management team with the Seattle Kraken only has her in Boston once a year, and in the summers, she spends them in her hometown in upstate New York.
The campus itself is still incredibly beautiful. Gasson Hall is still worth standing still for a second to admire, especially if there’s a clear blue sky behind to compliment it. She can feel her past self in various crevices along campus, whether it’s a particular bench or a grassy spot under the tree that she always liked to read at. She doesn’t take the time to walk inside any of the buildings, unsure if she’d be able to get into some of them anyways without a valid student ID.
There’s only one building she’s required to walk into today.
Conte Forum hasn’t changed much on the outside. Unassuming and shaped a bit weirdly, almost like a kid was given Lego blocks and someone took that as architectural design. She became accustomed to the gray skies, with specks of snow over the dead grass during the season. But seeing Conte at the start of a school year makes it look untouched. Like a building of promise and fresh air, the shadows of the previous season fading.
She didn’t tell anyone that she’d be back for Homecoming. In a way, she’s still a bit confused how she convinced herself to come. It’s not like she didn’t like her time at BC. She owes a lot of who she is now professionally to her experiences during the three years when she was on the equipment team at Boston College. She owes them everything, in a way.
Every year, a bunch of alumni — players and staff — come back for Homecoming and the day before the football game, there’s an informal skate at Conte. It’s mostly just an excuse for people in the hockey program of all generations to come together. This year, something in Trinity stopped when she saw the invite in the email two months ago. And instead of clicking “will not attend” in the RSVP like she had done the last three years, she clicked yes. She had then texted Adam, her old boss, who was ecstatic and then Hayley, her former partner in crime who was now in the hockey operations department with the AHL and who Trinity knew had been coming every year since graduation. She had proceeded to forgo the texting formality and called Trinity instead, talking a million miles a minute about how excited she was.
“Everybody’s going to be so excited to see you,” Hayley had exclaimed. “Seriously. The other times I’ve gone, the first question people ask me is where you are.”
Trinity hadn’t asked more than that, just merely humming and assuring Hayley she’d text her the travel plans when she made them.
She opens the back door into Conte, surprised that it’s unlocked. There’s no fanfare, which is how Trinity likes to remember Conte. While she loved how filled the stands got for game days and the thrill of being behind the bench during a game, it was in the everyday low buzz where Trinity really fell in love with this building — first when she was 18 at her first BC hockey game, then at 20 when she interviewed for the job.
As she’s walking to the main concourse, where the email told them to meet, it starts becoming louder. Suddenly, Trinity’s hands start clamming up and she wipes them on her long skirt to try to compensate. There’s no reason to be nervous. She has the right to be here just as much as everyone else.
“Trinity Scarafone?”
As she whips around at the familiar voice, her lips instinctively raise into a genuine smile. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Ryan Leonard.”
“Oh, don’t give me that,” he walks briskly up to her as she lets out an involuntary oof when he thumps her into a tight hug. “You act like we haven’t seen each other in years.”
“Twice a season where we exchange maybe three sentences tops isn’t the same,” Trinity mutters into his chest before backing away. Ryan’s dressed in an old BC sweatshirt paired with black shorts, sneakers on his feet that probably cost more than what Trinity makes in six months. He’s 25 now, with a fresh A stitched on his Washington Capitals jersey, but he’s still baby Ryan to her. She thinks he always will be. “It’s good to see you.”
“It’s even better to see you,” Ryan replies with ease, falling into step with her as they continue to the lobby. “And now I get to brag to everyone that I got the first hug.”
“Who blabbed?”
“No one blabbed,” Trinity just gives him an unimpressed look. Ryan rolls his eyes. “Okay, Hayley may have mentioned it to Jimmy that you were coming and you know Jim.”
She can’t even pretend to be surprised. “The baby freshmen always did love Hayley.”
“It’s cause she always snuck them candy. With you, on the other hand, we were lucky if we ever got a smile out of you.”
“You know that’s not true,” she lightly scolds.
Ryan bumps his hip with hers. “I know. I’m just playing.”
“So James is here?” She asks, trying to appear casual.
If Ryan knows she’s trying to fish, he doesn’t show it. “Yeah, showed up with Dean and Gasser. I think I saw Rammer and Forter running around too. The Powells. Fowler. Gabo’s showing up at some point. Oh, and some of the guys from your first year on the team.” He smirks. “I know you have a soft spot for them.”
“I loved you all equally,” she says diplomatically. But he’s right. She’ll never forget the first roster she worked for. The one that planted the seed in her brain that this could be something she wanted to do for the rest of her life.
Ryan hums. “He’s also here.”
She doesn’t need to ask him to specify who he’s talking about. “I figured. He loves a reunion,” she says evenly.
“You going to be okay?”
She smiles thinly. “Wouldn’t have come by if I wasn’t going to be.” He hums again, and she’s once again thankful that he doesn’t press. “And it was so long ago anyways.”
Ryan gives her a major side eye. “Sure. But I also love holding a grudge, so I wouldn’t blame you.”
She barks out a laugh at that. Ryan was always extremely stubborn, on the ice and off it. It drove Trinity up the wall sometimes, as someone who had to work with him a daily basis. She just leans into him briefly, squeezing his elbow. “It’s good to see you, Ryan.”
“Sap,” he says, before they turn the corner. And suddenly, a flurry of voices call her name in excitement and Ryan just pushes her forward with a smug grin. Her throat is filled with sudden emotion as Hayley runs to embrace her, and then Cutter’s arms wrap around them both. She’s seen a lot of these guys playing on various NHL teams, or with Hayley, running around the same hockey professional circles, but it doesn’t compare to having everybody together under this roof again. It makes the uncertainty of being back at BC a bit duller.
She’s overwhelmed at how enthusiastically she’s being passed around into hugs. Even Coach Brown catches her and shakes her hand warmly. It isn’t until the end when she has her senses again when she’s face to face with a painfully familiar set of eyes.
Will Smith. Still the darling of BC hockey all these years later. A backwards cap sitting on top of his curls and dressed in a BC branded maroon quarterzip. His blue eyes have somehow gotten bluer with age and Trinity kinda wants to throw a drink at his face.
Instead, she tries to muster out a smile. Part of it is genuine. “Hi Will.”
The grin that’s always on his face settles down into something smaller. No less bright, but something softer and more bittersweet and longing. Good. She’s vindicated that she still has that effect on him. “Hey Trin,” he says softly. “It’s good to see you.”
“Is it?” She tries to joke, but there’s an edge to it.
“Yeah. It is.”
She hates how sincere he sounds. She hates that she has to be the first one to break eye contact.
Luckily for them both, the flurry of activity around them tears their attention away from each other. Trinity settles back in with the people she knows the best, exchanging stories with smiles and laughter that bounces off the walls. It’s weird to walk around these halls again. It feels like walking back into your childhood home after years. She has tried her damn hardest to push the BC years away from her brain, or at least make peace with them. She’s done pretty well, but being back here is both exhilarating and heartbreaking, just like she knew it would be.
The big event of the day is an informal skate and scrimmage for the players. and for old times sake, she finds herself back in the gear room, fiddling with machines and handing out practice jerseys. She’s lucky that she does this full time with an NHL team now, but when Gabe comes by and asks her with a twinkle in his eye if she can sharpen his skates, the grin almost breaks her face from how wide it is.
People on the outside don’t quite realize how much the equipment management team is integrated into a hockey team’s everyday routine. She was often in at least an hour before the guys were, whether it was early morning practices to Friday night gamedays. After games, Trinity was always one of the last ones out of the building, though part of that became personal preference, as she developed her own little routine. Part of that became ending the night sitting in the stands for five minutes.
She finds herself behind the bench as some of the alumni scrimmage each other, chatting with Hayley and Adam and taking it all in. She’s really glad she came back, even though there are moments when she catches herself and her stomach ties in knots.
After the scrimmage, people are planning to disperse into various other homecoming activities, formal and informal. It’s all leading up to the homecoming football game tomorrow. Trinity takes a deep breath as she says goodbye to people. This was the hard part. And it’s over.
As she’s walking past the rink again, she halts. She looks around and thinks for a moment before deciding, fuck it.
She heads to the home bench, where she used to stand behind every Friday and Saturday night. Now, she gets to do it for a living in NHL arenas across the continent, but this is where it all started. She mutters under her breath, something like an apology to this arena, this place, this college, for not coming back all these years. Call her crazy, but in the hum of the arena, she feels like the ice is telling her it’s okay and that it forgives her.
Trinity hears footsteps, and she suddenly shifts. “Yeah, I’m leaving in a second!” She calls out, grabbing her bag from the bench. She hears no reply and the footsteps stop. She slowly turns her head to the doorway to see Will, hands shoved in his khakis, teal gear bag on his shoulder, rocking back and forth on his feet nervously. She swallows. “How’d you know I was here?”
“You used to always linger after games.” She just stares at him. “Leno also told me he saw you coming out,” he admits.
“I’m going to kill him,” she mutters under her breath. Will drops his gear bag and starts walking towards her. She sighs. “Will. I really don’t wanna do this.”
“It’s been six years. If we’re not going to do this now, then when?”
She scoffs, crossing her arms and fully shifting herself to face him on the bench as he stops in front of her. “That’s incredibly fucking rich coming from you,” she snaps.
His shoulders shake slightly as he lets out a deep breath. He looks torn and Trinity can’t really bring herself to care. “I know,” he says lowly. “I know. I-I-”
He trails off and she turns away, facing the empty ice. She flinches as he slides on the bench next to her. He’s close, but not close enough to touch. That’s good, she thinks. He knows better.
“I’m surprised you came.”
“BC isn’t just yours,” she says coolly. “I have good memories here too. It’s not about you, which may be surprising.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Will backtracks quickly. “I’m glad you came. Everyone was really excited.”
She hums as silence falls over them again. Until Trinity, who hates that she doesn’t have the self control, breaks it first. “If you’re here to actually say something to me, then say it. If not, then I’ll see you when we play the Sharks.”
“That’s the thing, though.” he chuckles, even though there’s no humor. “You act like we don’t even know each other when we play each other.”
She cocks her head. “I mean, it’s pretty similar to how we left things off, no?” And Trinity knows. She knows she’s being petty. But he’s right here and she might as well be completely honest with him and say how she feels.
“Trin-”
“And you know what? It sucked, sure. But I got the hint. And I kept showing up here at Conte because I had no other choice and I grew up love it again. I loved being at this rink and working, despite the fact that the person who made me really fall in love with BC hockey in the first place came back from losing in the national championship and proceeded to pretend I didn’t exist.”
“Trinity-”
It feels like a dam has broken and she can’t stop as her voice cracks. “And that would’ve been all fine and dandy if you hadn’t made me think that whole fucking season that we actually had something.”
“We did,” he swallows roughly. “We did.”
“Then why do it?” She whispers. “Why ignore me and literally ghost me and not give me an explanation? Did you lose feelings for me? Did I become too clingy? Was it all just in my head? Did, fuck, I don’t know. Whatever. It doesn’t even matter anymore. Time’s passed. But it was shitty, and for you to try and finally talk about it with me six fucking years later is also really shitty.”
One long second of silence, and then Will shifts. “You done?”
She scoffs, staring back out at the ice. “You have some nerve, Will Smith.”
“I do, because I didn’t six years ago and that’s why we’re here.” That gets Trinity to shut up. She feels him shift closer and she bites her tongue. He sighs. “I’m sorry. For all of it. I’m so sorry. For cutting you off after that game and ignoring you and not giving you any sort of explanation.”
“Well, do you have one?”
“What? An explanation?” She nods and he shrugs. “It doesn’t really matter now, I guess, why I did it. It’s been so long.”
“I’d like to hear it anyways,” she says with her chin up.
He blinks and a small smile peeks through before it disappears in a flash. “Thought you might. You’re not gonna like it.”
“Will.”
“I was scared, okay?” His hands fly into his hair and he actually looks frazzled for once. Will Smith rarely looks like he doesn’t have his shit together. “I-I loved you so much, Trin. And we lost and everything felt like it was caving in on me and the decision to sign or not to sign felt suffocating so I did the only thing that I thought was right.”
“Ignoring me? Cutting me off?”
He squeezes his eyes shut and softens. “I know it sounds bad. I know. But I thought that maybe if I just cut clean and let you go that it would be less painful.”
“For who?” She snaps. “Less painful for who, William? For you? You know, you’re a lot of things, but I never thought you were selfish.”
“I know that,” he fires back. “I know that now. But back then? Y-you still had two more years of college and you knew what you wanted and it scared me, Trin. The way I felt about you? 19-year-old me didn’t know what to do with that. So I just pushed it away and tried it make it disappear, thinking that it would just be better for both of us in the long run.”
Trinity feels like she’s living in a rom-com in the worst way possible. Exasperated, she asks. “And was it? Was it better?”
He snorts. “Obviously fucking not. I had to hear from Gabe that you got the gig with the Kraken and I had to pretend I wasn’t proud of you because I did that to myself. I pushed you away. I came every reunion, at the off chance that you’d come as well. When we play Seattle, I force my head down and play my ass off just so maybe you’ll notice me and I’ll catch your eye.” His voice cracks. “I’m so sorry, Trinity. There’s nothing else I can say except I’m sorry. And I know it’s six years too late. I know. But even if it’s late, you deserve an apology.”
She takes a deep breath, noting Will’s bright eyes and crease in his eyebrow. At 25, he’s just as pretty as he was the day they met, when he walked into the meeting room at Conte and his eyes went immediately to her.
She had come back for her second year, knowing that she would be bestowed with more responsibilities this time. She always knew she liked being behind the scenes of a process. Being on the equipment team for a hockey team wasn’t something she thought she’d be doing, but like many freshmen, she was bouncing around booths during the Fall Student Involvement Fair. Something pulled her to the athletics section, and then eventually on an interest form, and then a meeting, informal interview, and then the first game of the season arrived.
And she fell in love. With the job. But also, stupidly, with the freshman star with his green eyes and his blonde curls during her sophomore year. She fell in love and he left without an explanation. So she became the best she could be at her job, which paid off. And then tried to forget about the boy who broke her heart. She thought she had forgotten, but now that he’s sitting right next to her, she’s not so sure.
Will clears his throat. “I’m not expecting you to accept my apology or anything.”
“Then what do you want?”
He blinks. “Huh?”
She looks over at him, suddenly tired. “What do you want?”
He chuckles softly. Trinity’s chest tightens. “I don’t think I really have the right to ask for anything from you anymore.”
“You don’t,” Trinity can’t help but laugh a little. “But in an ideal world, what would you want?”
He shrugs. “Just to talk to you again. I’ve missed talking to you.”
A genuine smile peeks through her lips. “Yeah,” she says. “You were always so easy to talk to. It was one of my favorite things about you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“It was all real,” he swallows. “What you said earlier or whatever. None of what happened that year was in your head.”
“I know that now,” she responds softly. “I wasn’t quite sure at the time. Or right after. But I figured it out eventually.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. Trinity’s both amused and a little tired of all these apologies. He puts his head in his hands. “You shouldn’t have had to figure that out yourself. I should’ve never let you guess how I feel about you.”
“I kinda like this apology tour you’re going on,” she says lightly. Will laughs into his hands and Trinity laughs with him. They both look out at the ice again.
He looks at her and knocks his knee against hers. She doesn’t flinch. “I’m so proud of you. Just. So fucking proud. You enjoying it? You like Seattle?”
“It’s no Boston,” she chuckles. “But yeah. I love it. Seattle and the job. You? You like San Jose?”
“Love it.”
“Good,” she says, meaning it with her whole heart. “And I accept. All the apologies.”
“You don’t have to. You probably shouldn’t.”
“You’re probably right,” she shrugs. “But it’s fun seeing you so frazzled.”
Will scoffs, shaking his head with a smile. “You’re impossible.”
“You like it.” She takes a deep breath. “Thank you. For apologizing. Even if it’s way too late.”
“Thank you for not taking a stick from the equipment room and beating my ass with it.”
She laughs loudly. “You’re welcome.”
He clears his throat. “I should go. Leno will probably think you killed me and Gabe will be sad you didn’t.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
“It very much is,” Will says. “They, uh, they both gave me a lot of shit for what I did to you.”
Her heart surges with love at Will’s old linemates who ended up becoming her friends the year after he left, even when Trinity was reeling over heartbreak. The first month or so of being back at Conte without Will was really hard, but Ryan and Gabe, being themselves, were very helpful. Probably more helpful than they both realize.
“Are you going to the football game tomorrow?” She asks.
He nods. “Yeah. Are you?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
He stands up, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Well, if you are. I’ll see you then.”
“And if I’m not?”
“Then I’ll see you later. And I mean it this time.”
She shouldn’t believe him, but she does. With a nod and a smile, she says, “Okay.”
~*~*~
When someone knocks on Trinity’s front door, she immediately thinks she’s hearing things. Everyone she’s close with in Seattle who would knock on her door without telling her in advance that they were coming can be counted on one hand, and she knows all of them are at their jobs. Because it’s a Monday afternoon. And practice already finished, so she knows it’s not work related.
She covers her yawn as she paddles to the door. Whoever is knocking is eager and won’t stop.
When she opens the door, she lets a small gasp out. It’s Will. In Seattle.
He swallows as the side of lip quirks up into a smile. “Hi.”
She blinks. “How did you-”
“Beniers told me. I mean, I had to bribe him, but he gave me your address. Nothing illegal, I promise.”
“That traitor,” she says with little bite. “When did you get here?”
“We just landed, like, an hour ago, maybe?”
“And you came here,” she says softly, crossing her arms.
He nods. “I came here.” He shifts on his feet, suddenly nervous. “I’m not expecting-I can leave if you’re busy or-”
Trinity doesn’t let him finish. “Do you wanna come in?”
The smile that comes onto Will’s face is worth it. “I’d love to.”
