My hands trembled, finger curled weakly around the trigger. I could not feel the metal on my skin, can barely feel the floor beneath me -- blood was rushing to my head, blackening my vision.
"Just let me go," I said, "Or I'll -- I'll --"
"Doc, I've been trying to get you to kill people for years," General Anderson shook out the cigarette packet, "But you haven't. So go ahead. Ruin your winning streak.”
She didn't even look at me, putting a cigarette between her teeth and lighting it. Out of the corner of my vision, I could see other soldiers, guns steadily trained on me, but they had been told to stand down.
"I won't do this anymore," I burst out. "I won't -- there are children we're hurting -- I can't --"
"Don't tell me you've grown a conscience now. You knew what you were signing."
"I didn't know we'd be doing this."
My mind, far as it may be gone, zoned in to the steady drip behind me. The pooling blood on the sheets, spilling over onto the floor. I thought, hysterically, maybe the soldiers will slip if I run. I knew I could not run.
I never meant -- I didn't kill them -- I had been instructed not to, and I simple couldn't do it even if I hadn't been. I never killed them and -- and god, was that even a mercy? How could I keep them alive to suffer. I -- I shook my head. No more.
"Alright Doc, are we done here?" Anderson asked, approaching me with her hands raised in a mockery of surrender.
"Yes," I said, "Yes, yes, yes. We're done now. We're done."
I turned the gun on myself.