Writing to Know Myself

Sometimes Self Care is pouring out your heart online. (aka I've realized I don't know who I am, and I aim to fix that)

[writingtoknowmyself]

What is the most annoying habit that other people have?

Making surface decisions about other people.

I see it all the time. Heck, I am often the “victim” of such a habit. People hear “Preacher’s Kid, homeschooled, & female” and all these assumptions come into play. 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard “You know, you’re nothing like I expected.” in both good & bad context after people get to know me as person.

It’s not just me either; I’ve seen countless friends and acquaintances go through the same thing. I have to correct assumptions about my friends (or their friends) to people regularly...and it’s just, so dumb. But humans like labels and stereotypes, so I doubt the issue will ever really fade. 

[writingtoknowmyself]

If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning medal for?

Definitely procrastination of...well everything. I am an expert at this particular bad habit.

Another would be quoting the Lord of the Rings films, or x long portions of the books. 

[writingtoknowmyself]

What job would you be terrible at?

Sales!

I do fine in retail stores/markets/etc. But something where everything is based on commission. My income based on exactly how much money I can make others spend.

I’m just to practical. Why should I try and sell them the tricked out model of a car, when they obviously just need the basics? Why spend thousands more on a “real” diamond when this artificial one is both cheaper, and nearly perfect?

I just suck at trying to sell things to people who don’t need them. Especially when I myself am so careful about not spending extra money if I don’t have to.

[writingtoknowmyself]

What fictional place would you most like to go?

Universe: Middle Earth

Location: Rivendell

Though to be fair, almost anywhere in Tolkien’s universe would thrill me. But Rivendell has always had the strongest pull. Secluded in the mountains, but with trees and gardens. Wise and playful elves singing and dancing, reciting stories and poems around roaring fires. 

But most of all the books, so much to read and learn. All while surrounded by beings that lived through much of it. So many quiet and comfortable places to hide away to read and write. 

What’s not to love?

[writingtoknowmyself]

How often do you play sports?

Never!

Well at least not traditional sports. 

I swing a sword on occasion.

Do some horse riding when I can (preferably bareback)

And I’m a squire...which is more assistant/performer/clean up...but Jousting is sport and I am involved so??? I guess that counts??

[writingtoknowmyself]

What would your perfect room look like?

Dark walls (navy, or forest green), bookshelves full of books, weaponry hanging on the walls, a window nook, and a writing desk. 

Obviously necessities like a (water)bed and dresser, but the others come first.

[writingtoknowmyself]

What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue?

Swordplay (with broadswords). The only reason I haven’t already done so is because there are no local teachers, and it would take considerable time to get to a class.

Jousting. The amount of time this sport requires in training aside, I simply cannot risk the medical bills when injuries occur. Oh, and then the 4k+ for armor, not to mention horse and tack is a little more than I can handle.

[writingtoknowmyself]

What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?

I have a Thousand Foot Krutch band shirt (The flame in all of us) from 2007 that is still my favorite shirt. It’s held up shockingly well, and aside from a few thin spots under the arms doesn’t look more than a few years old.

I’m going to be upset when I have to retire it.

[writingtoknowmyself]

If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

Write, mostly. I often sacrifice sleep to get a few more words on paper (or computer.)

Or reading, another thing I’ve stayed up to do more than once.

[writingtoknowmyself]

A quote that inspires you

“It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something. That there is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for.” 

Samwise the brave - The Two Towers (Film)

This has always reached out to me on two levels.

First; as someone who often needs a reminder to look past the darkness for the light that will come. A reminder that while there is so much evil, those fleeting moments of good and innocence are worth continuing to “fight the good fight”

and second; as a storyteller. A reminder of the impact we have on others, both young and old. That sometimes we are that source of hope, the thing that reminds others there is a reason to fight.

[writingtoknowmyself]

What are your personal gifts?

Hostess:

Not just as someone who can organize a party/gathering, but in making sure everyone feels welcome and looked out for at said events. Especially having so many friends with special requirements (food allergies, social needs, guardian restrictions, etc.) I’ve learned to adapt and make sure no one feels excluded due to personal circumstances out of their control.

Writing:

From excelling at writing essays in school, to writing a 150,000 word novel and everything in between. While I still have much room for improvement, it is a skill which I have a natural knack for.

Gift Giving:

While this seems like a natural, developed skill to me, I list it because of how often I get comments on it. It’s an exercise in paying attention/learning the people around you, coupled with thinking outside the box/willing to spend time making things. And for me,the reward of seeing people light up when they open a gift is more than worth the labor. 

[writingtoknowmyself]

Someone who made you proud

Proud of me, or proud of them?

Of them:

My little sister, who shows quite a bit more drive and discipline than myself many times. Adapting to new situations and overcoming obstacles.

Sya: Who has grown so much over the course of our friendship. I’ve gotten to see her change from nerdy highschool girl to wonderful (if procrastinating) collage student. And I look forward to seeing what comes next.

Of me:

Chris: a former manager who still keeps in touch. Not only was he supportive of teenage me while working under him, but he still takes every opportunity to make me feel qualified and proud of my accomplishments.

[writingtoknowmyself]

A place you have been recently

Bookstore

My home away. Not only a great place to kill time, but relaxing. Nowhere quite as calming as settling between rows of books, stories whispering to you as fingers brush against spines.

The only struggle is choosing what new adventure to bring home

[writingtoknowmyself]

A change you have overcome

The year I graduated I lost my close friend/long distance boyfriend & my best friend of over a decade within a month of each other.

I went from having two people I could confide in with anything, who I trusted with my life, to being on my own. It was a dramatic shift, and took some time to overcome the gut reaction to pull away from others. 

[writingtoknowmyself]

One thing you learned about yourself last year

That I’m a capable writer.

I’ve written for myself since I was in highschool, but even then I often credited others for the story and character arcs. A couple years ago I broke into posting my fanfiction online.

This year I finished several multi-chapter stories with plots entirely my own. And my original novel has grown and filled out. I’ve been entered into several fan-favorite competitions, as well as becoming a person people come to with requests because “you write ___ so well”

An unexpected addition is that I have also made friends with a copy writer who looks over most of my posted works, and gives me pointers.

[writingtoknowmyself]

It’s her birthday today, she’s 25 now.

She was my best friend for more than half my life. My go-to girl. If I was hurting, she was my support, rejoicing, she was there to celebrate. We went through school together, faced everything as partners. We were going to get an apartment together when we had decent jobs. She was going to be the maid of honor in my wedding, and I in hers.

But life’s not a movie script; and nothing shatters a heart faster than betrayal at the hands of a friend. 

We tried to mend bridges. But a great friendship became good, then okay, then faded entirely. We haven’t spoken in years...it still hurts.

We don’t run in the same circles anymore, and most of the time it doesn’t bother me. But days like today I remember. I remember what was, what could of been, what I’ve lost. I feel like I should be celebrating with her, instead I just offer a sad smile to the sky and carry on.

[writingtoknowmyself]

A Lot Can Change

Over the past week my sister have beaten Kingdom Hearts 3...and it’s brought a lot of things back. A lot has changed in the 13 years since KH2 was first on our screens.

Some of it is non-important. Graphics have come leaps and bounds, I’m in a different life place, my play time (for writing, gaming, reading, etc.) is a lot shorter...and therefor more precious.

But the things that have struck me while watching this game have been a little more personal. I played the first two games at the same time as my best friend...We don’t talk now, and I wonder what she thinks of the story? It makes a game so rooted in missing friends hurt a little deeper, and the ending feels a little too real. We were Riku & Sora, and despite being surrounded by friends, I miss that bond.

In fact, the reunion scenes brought up thoughts of people who have long left my life. A trio of friends who I did everything with, who decided to move on without me. I wonder what it would be like to reunite with them. With the boy I loved that slipped through my fingers. With the larger group I was part of despite us being wildly different.

Whether through the growing number of stories I’ve consumed, or merely having lived longer in the real world. I was not surprised by the loss we suffered. I knew it had to come...you cannot have battles without casualties, and so often the least deserving fall.

I’ve also been hung up on “Road to Dawn” being broken early in the game. I think it’s because, for me, that weapon signified Riku’s journey. I have similar items in my life, things that have grown and shifted as I’ve grown. And so I guess a little part of me was sentimental; I’ve watched this character grow and it was sad to see the symbol of that broken.

Turns out I have a bitter streak as well. Because there was a lot of redemption in this game; and frankly I wasn’t okay with all of it. I should be, I should be thrilled to learn that these characters aren’t all bad (and hey, most of them I was). But some of these characters have caused so much pain,that I can’t just accept that they’ve been accepted on the side of heroes. Whether that’s my sense of Justice, or something less noble is unclear.

Desptie my lack of emotions during gameplay...the story has once again buried itself under my skin. I’ve waited a long time for this story, and some part of me is still processing everything I’ve experienced through it. Kingdom Hearts didn’t play as large a role as LotR or Pokemon in my upbringing....but I’m realizing just how many of my own memories are tied into these characters.