bye~

written-by-eli is a dead account, therefore there's nothing much to poke through here have a grand day

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

You shouldn’t be able to get under my skin the way that you do. I know you aren’t even trying either. I think you give me too much credit but I’ve gotta say, I like knowing I can make you feel like that. It’s a tough pill to swallow but I know she had to have had the thought in her mind too with the way this marriage has been going. I’m doing this for her, for both us. She deserves so much more than me, someone that can love her in the way she should be cared for. It’s the least I could do. You’re sacrificing a lot too. The whole weekend would be incredible but even if it’s just a night, I want to be with you.

[written-by-eli-blog]

I like hearing that more than I can say. Not too much at all, handsome. I'm head over heels for you, and even that's putting it quite mildly. It'd be impossible for her not to, from the way it sounds, you two were barely communicating for a time. It's not your fault though, that you can't love her like that. I hope you know that. It's all worth it for us. I'll see how her plans are looking and get back to you. But any time at all is perfect.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

I have to keep up with you, are you kidding me? I’ve never been too good with my words so I’m glad I could piece them together well enough when it comes to you. I hope she’ll be okay soon. Now she’s just in denial but knowing her, she’ll come around in a bit once we get everything squared away. I’ll gladly take this on because it’s the only option that gives me you. I couldn’t possible pass on this, not when I’m in this deep. Greatly appreciated. Is she really? Clare has impeccable timing, she really does, ha. Nope, I can’t think of a reason why you couldn’t.

[written-by-eli-blog]

You leave me breathless all the time. Everything you say, on top of the way you look at me, you have a much greater impact on me than you realize. Right, I'm sure she will. It must take time to absorb as well. You clearly don't have bad intentions in all this and she must know that. I hope you know how much I appreciate all of this trouble. She is indeed, I'm hoping for the whole weekend but I'll take whatever I can get. I want you to come over.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

You’re a bit too charming for your own good but that is not a complaint by any means. It’s all right. Things have been tense since I sat Katie down and had the first talk with her. Everything around the house is uneasy, I can’t stand it. Sometimes this almost feels like too much, having to keep it under wraps with you but I’d go crazy too if I couldn’t be around ever again. Thank you. I knew it was bound to happen, it’s only natural but yes, it made my stomach drop to the ground. I just want to focus on being happy now but I appreciate the heads up. Please tell me you can get away for a little bit this weekend. I’m dying to see you.

[written-by-eli-blog]

You're one to talk. You have my heart swelling with practically every word you say. Understandably so, that's a big bomb to drop but it was the right move. You did what you had to. I never meant to place this kind of burden on you but there's just no giving it up. I'm nothing without you. Then let's just move on as if I never said it, no problem. Clare's going to see her friend Alli this weekend, staying over at her place for a day or two. I don't see why I can't have my "friend" over, right?

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

You made mine better, a million times better and I can’t thank you enough for it. It is worth all the hell we’re going through just to be with you. It just takes a lot out of me at times and this week as a whole has been brutal but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure we can still be together. It’s not perfect and it’ll never be but this is enough. Please, I don’t like this subject so can we change it? I’m sorry, I just hate thinking about what’s coming next for you guys and how much that’s going to push is further away when she’ll need more of your time. I’m selfish when it comes to you, I know. Sorry.

[written-by-eli-blog]

It's been my pleasure, from the very start. I'm so sorry everything's been rough but it'll get better. In due time, it will. I can't be without you. I feel like I'd lose my mind if I couldn't see you anymore. I know I would, even thinking about it makes me feel sick. I'm sorry, yeah we can. I just couldn't keep it in any longer, I needed to talk to you about it. Don't apologize, I get it. If you and Katie were doing this, it'd make me sick to my stomach. I understand. I want you to be selfish, I sure as hell am with you.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

I don’t even want to think about it.

That’s the one bit of good news in this messed up situation. You’d have every reason to but I’m glad that you don’t. I know how you feel but I’ve made things so complicated for you. Truth be told, I don’t regret it either. I just wish we met a hell of a lot sooner. Things would be so different but there’s no use in dwelling on it. She’s everything to you, I get it. I, wow. Just seeing it so plainly hurts like hell but I knew that would happen. You don’t owe me anything, don’t apologize.

[written-by-eli-blog]

Never. You changed my life for the better. I'm enamored with you and nothing can change that. I'd like to think anything worth having doesn't come easy, and brings a ton of complications. I do too. I can't even imagine how this all would have happened had we met sooner but it would have been far better than this. She is, I can't even try to change that. I'm so sorry, I need to apologize for it because I can't make it better otherwise. She keeps hinting at wanting to start going without protection and...I'm just not ready. At this rate, I never will be.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

I don’t know what else to do in this case other than try to get through it as quickly as possible. You guys have everything settled and that would just mess with her and Katie to own up to the truth.

I know you would but no amount of wishing is going to fix this between us. You have a good thing going with Clare and if we’d never met, you would never have to be in a spot like this and I’m really sorry about that. I’ll get by just as I have been since we started this whole double life crap. You’re never going to leave her and I will never have you, not in the ways I want. But I’ll take what I can get because it’s better than nothing.

[written-by-eli-blog]

I think they both might kill us, if they knew.

Don't apologize. I don't regret meeting you, or anything that's happened since then. I promise, I don't regret it even a little. You know how I feel about you, how strongly I feel. You never need to apologize for any of this. I just, there's no room to leave her. I still love her. She wants to grow old together, watch each other succeed. She even wants kids, it's all she's been talking about lately. She's getting baby crazy and it's terrifying me. Jake...I'm sorry. 

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

The last thing she would ever assume is that I’m gay but if I were to tell her? You’d be the first person she’d think of and I don’t want to mess things up for you and Clare.

There’s no easy way out of this. You and Clare are going to spend the rest of your lives together, the way you guys always pictured it and I understand that. If I divorce Katie, it’d make it a breeze for you to stay over with me. But just like how it is now, you’d have to leave and go back to your normal life.

[written-by-eli-blog]

You can't tell her, I know. I couldn't handle things with Clare going to hell right now. Or ever, for that matter.

You know I'd change things if I could. If I could make it so we could be together without any of this hiding or in between shit, I would. I don't even want this life anymore, half the time. But I want you and I know Clare needs me, so there's no other alternative.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

Too much would be at stake for the both of us. With the amount of times I’ve been saying I’m hanging out with you, she would put two and two together and figure out we aren’t exactly grabbing drinks at the bar. Okay then.

What do you mean? It leaves us right where we’ve always been and always will be.

[written-by-eli-blog]

I'm surprised she hasn't already, if she's really that quick to figure things out. That's one of my biggest fears.

"Always will be", you really make this sound enjoyable. I don't know why I even asked. Just, I thought maybe things would change for the better if you divorced her. It'd be easier for us, at least partly.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

That’s how Katie sees it. She’s a perfectionist who is used to getting everything in her life just right but when it comes to a marriage, something personal, she can’t. And it’s not her fault entirely but of course I have to continue keeping my mouth shut about that. It’s not easy carrying around this secret and keeping it from the one person who needs to hear it the most. It’ll help her to deal with the process and I’m not holding her back from it. I just wanted to give you an update. It’s been a messed up week as a whole for me. Just forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.

[written-by-eli-blog]

I wish you could tell her. It would make everything clear to her but there's too much at stake if you do. Fine. Your marriage, your choice. I get that. No, it's fine. I'm glad you let me know.

I know this isn't a pressing issue in light of what you just said but, where does this even leave us?

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

Look, I know what I’m doing here, okay? I appreciate your take on it but this is how it has to go until we reach the point where we get lawyers involved. Katie isn’t stupid. She knows our marriage needs to end but she’s just stubborn and hates having any failures under her belt. But she will get past this. I know her well enough to say that. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, Eli. Let me handle it.

[written-by-eli-blog]

It's not a failure if there isn't a spark anymore, she can't view it like that. This...it's just backwards. You must know that. I sure as hell hope she will, because you two are about to put a lot of effort into fixing something that can't be repaired. Excuse me for thinking that maybe you wanted my feedback, seeing as though you messaged me.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

I’m doing what I can for her. I’ve already been lying this whole time. If it puts her mind at ease for us to follow through with counselling, why not? It’s not false hope. I tell her all the time where I stand on this but you don’t know Katie. Once her mind is set, there’s no way of undoing it. Yeah, I really am. My whole life I’ve been hiding and I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it too. Once this therapy idea falls through, she and I will get divorced and then I’m free to do move as I want.

[written-by-eli-blog]

It is false hope. She's thinking this will salvage your marriage when you're not even invested in it. That isn't how a relationship should work. You shouldn't be doing something simply because her mind is set on it. So you're just going to keep living like this and put yourself through that? It doesn't make sense to me.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

I know that no one and nothing can change who I am but if she wants to go to counselling just for her to feel as if she made an attempt, how could I deny her that? I told her that this isn’t working, that we need to split but this is something she needs to go through. I still care about her. She needs closure and I’m going to give that to her. It doesn’t even matter if we stay together. You and I can’t be anything more than what we are now anyway so what difference does it make?

[written-by-eli-blog]

So you're prolonging the inevitable. There's absolutely no reason to. You'd be sparing her more heartbreak if you just told her you couldn't do even that. This isn't closure, it's false hope. Are you seriously saying that? This divorce isn't about me, it's about you being able to live the life you deserve to.

[mrfixitmartin-blog]

That’s her goal. She says she knows she’s been really distant these last few months and that she’ll do whatever she can to get us back on track. It’s pointless in the end, for reasons she’ll never know but I have to go along with this.

[written-by-eli-blog]

She can't make you straight. No amount of therapy can fix that; it's nothing that needs to be fixed in the first place. Why can't you just say you're not interested in trying to fix it? That you're ready to end it? You already know it won't change anything.

[written-by-eli-blog]

mrfixitmartin replied to your post: So I finally got around to speaking to Katie. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be but it wasn't good either.

Somewhere in between. She wants us to go to couples’ counselling. I know it won’t work but for her, it’s a last ditch effort.

So she wants to fix things...? I just, I was hoping she'd let it go, let you go.

[written-by-eli-blog]

So I finally got around to speaking to Katie. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be but it wasn't good either.

Where does that leave you two then? What’s the verdict?

[written-by-eli-blog]

Text to Fitz:

Fitz: Thanks, I just want to finish it. I really like you too.

Eli: No problem. I know you do. And from now on, no more doubting it from me. I swear.

[written-by-eli-blog]

Text to Fitz:

Fitz: Ah, well send it back when you're done with it? I get it, you're not used to someone like me.

Eli: I will tomorrow, promise. I'm not used to you, but I really like you. And that says a lot, considering where we started. I'm crazy about you.