hiya ! its me, ya girl, ten. ( 26 , she / her , cst ) the whole while i was making this muse i was listening to doja cat’s new album so please take time to listen to planet her cause its *chefs kiss* no you don’t have too but anyways nice to meet you all ! i am the writer behind taeyang aka sun. phoenix’s lead rapper and sub vocalist. this scandal maker is hiding a lot of things from the public eye so everything is not what it seems when it comes to taeyang. so here you have this kinda quiet but also p helpful / hardworking individual. yuh *ariana’s voice* his profile is listed on the navi page of my blog and below i present the link to a very angsty bio with headcanons and career page attached. i look forward to writing with you all !
( Though, he couldn’t help but wonder just how troublesome it had to be going through ten members for one song. Doing it solo was a challenge enough. If he lost patience with himself he surely would not imagine keeping a stress free environment with Phoenix. )
“What do you think so far though? Does the head voice on the chorus sound better?” Seojin dropped the headphones back around his neck and sauntered over toward the Phoenix member to grab for his water bottle. He then flopped into the chair next to him. As usual, he could not stop running his mouth.
“So. Please tell me your opinion, music genius. I mean, it’s definitely different from the other stuff I released but it feels like a back to basics for me.”
a small laugh emits from his lips, he was definitely hear to listen to his voice but at the same time a bit of flirting didn’t hurt the two. it was all in good fun anyways. that was usually how they spoke to each other, though it may seem a bit sus to others in the room but that might have been the point the two was going for a some points.
“ i only come by the studio to flirt with you, duh. “
he responded playfully, laughing off the joke as he gets up, grabbing a bottle of water for not only him but his friend as well. hydrate and keeping the vocals less dry as possible was the way of achieving a greatness in vocal ability -- that and practice. not that he had much room to speak on vocals in that nature as he was a rapper more than he was a vocalist, but seeing how his brother would practice when he was growing up he could say he learned a thing or two about singing.
it would possibly be bias coming off to say that it was the best song he’d ever heard. maybe just stating how he thought the song was good but that was less likely the case. seojin had a very unique voice something that taeyang for sure knew he couldn’t master even in the years he spent taking vocal lessons during his trainee days. his sultry voice and his head voice that played within the song fit together almost perfectly. as someone who produced music as well he found the beat to be more rock in his opinion and he assumed that’s what the male was going for.
“ it sounds really good so far as for someone who isn’t really into this kind of drama. i think the head voice gives it flavor. not everyone can switch to head voice that fast and go back to normal register. i’m no vocal coach bro but like your voice is amazing. “
in no way is this to rush anyone but to help myself with keeping up with what i have already. my activity levels are pretty low these days but i’m still here. if i haven’t gotten back to IMs about plotting on either of my accounts being this one or @wsgaby please don’t hesitate to shoot another IM to me at any time. sorry for my slowness lately i’ve just been extremely exhausted but yeah that’s about it.
Danny flops down onto one of the chairs nestled in a quiet corner outside of an empty practice room. He’s early, having just finished a one-on-one session with the group’s visual coach, hoping to work on some of his expressions before their music video filming in a few days. This meant one thing and one thing only - sleep. He leans back and pops in his headphones, about to lose himself in a soothing playlist when he hears a familiar voice.
“Ah, sunbae!” slightly startled, he hops to his feet, giving Taeyang a quick nod in greeting. Unlike with the other seniors, Danny felt much more comfortable with the members of Phoenix. Something about their vibe just felt as if he was hanging around his older brother or cousins. Still, once he saw them perform he’d be hit with that starstruck feeling again. It was hard to believe that they would now be sharing the same stages.
“Of course!” he mutters, reaching into the backpack nestled under his arm for his list of schedules. “We’ve got dance practice, a camera test, a promo photoshoot, an interview with HRVY, a Vlive -” He takes a break from listing to inhale before dropping his arms to his sides. “And…a wardrobe fitting in exactly one hour, thirty-five minutes, and twenty-eight seconds.” To be exact. Some may consider his meticulous time-keeping excessive, but now that he’d officially debuted it seemed like every second was precious ( especially when much needed power naps were at stake ). He flops back into his seat with a sigh, muttering under his breath, “I’m exhausted already. I didn’t even have time to finish breakfast this morning…” he trails off, his stomach chiming in with an obnoxious growl.
he could remember the times he’d reacted the same way when seeing someone that was higher than him. now as the days pass, and he’d seen the ones before him so often he found them more like family than co-workers. still showing the amount of respect that he was suppose to give, taeyang was more laid back than quickly flying out of his seat to greet others as he used to when he was just starting.
he understood that upon debut, the groups were overly busy working on things to get their name out and into the public. schedule after scheule after scheule. they continuously build up on each other with little amount of time to rest in between. it was as if the more you completed one several others would pop-up. a never-ending sequence that if taeyang knew it was going to be like this from the beginning he would have surely taken on a new profession. alas, he was three years and a few months in too deep and still on a contract. last thing he needed was a lawsuit.
greeting the male back, he takes in all the work that the younger had to get ready for within one hour. he felt bad for evading his personal time. every minute before such a jam packed schedule was precious and here he was interrupting.
“ wow, the company isn’t giving you guys any breaks-- “ he started before a loud grumble coming from the male’s stomach interrupted him. a small laugh breaks from his lips. “well you still got time, wanna go get something to eat ? my treat. “ he offered the male, surely taeyang wouldn’t let this boy go to schedules on an empty stomach.
it had been more than a while since taeyang had seen his family. a visit was long overdue, but sadly this holiday season would be spent in korea as time didn’t allow for him to visit. as understanding as his parents were, he still felt a tinge of guilt that he was not able to meet them like his wanted. which had him to believe that he would be within the dorms alone as he was sure that the other members had other things planned already and he didn’t make the efforts to ask. not that he mind the space he had to himself, but that would be short lived when a familiar name shows up on his phone offering to visit his home for the holiday.
taeyang didn’t like to intrude, especially if it was other’s home but being offered food was something that he just couldn’t turn down. being that it was a holiday he wouldn’t be ridiculed by his trainer for the amount of food that he would be consuming on this break. not that it would be any different if he were to go back to malaysia.
with his mind made up ( mostly based on the food ) he shoots the other a quick text back agreeing to his offer to come over only if he comes to pick him up with food already present. feeling like he could use this chance to be around other civilians rather than in a large dormitory by himself, he takes this time to get ready awaiting his friend’s arrival.
TRIGGER WARNING alluding to depression, anxiety, ptsd, mentions of death ( car accident ) / suicide.
WORD COUNT 815
will i be okay ?
it’s the four off-white walls that becomes a sense of familiarity. ones that he’s seen more often than he’d like. the brown leather material molded to his back as he stares up counting each tile on the ceiling. its close to one hundred. he only knows because he’s counted so many times before. a mechanism to save himself -- holding onto the last grips of sanity he has left before fully going under. how does he hide it from the rest of the members, the world? viewers taking notice of his daily lifestyle but one a small selection finds what truly lies beneath the mask that he covers with. will he truly ever be okay, who knows?
how does it feel today?
there’s a lot to take in and the days are getting colder. its said that the cold seasons leads to more sadness will he be like those unfortunate? there were times where he wondered what life would be like if he’d succeeded in following his brother. a selfish thought that had crossed his mind one too many times. he’d cause his family more pain than he should’ve during that time. helpless and broken, riddled with pain as the vivid images of his trauma played on a loop in his mind. over and over he’d see the last smile that’s formed on the older’s face, his confidence felt as he leaves the car for the final time. the loud crash that follows after as his brother lies on the concrete lifeless.
life happens quickly and doesn’t stop when you want it. time continues even during the hardest times of ones life, steadily moving forwards with no thoughts of rewind. oh, but how he wish he could turn back time -- start over , even prevent what was to come. maybe he would be in front of the television watching the one he looked up too during his youth rather than living it for the person who is no longer living. he feels as though he isn’t living up what his brother could have been. he always felt as though his best wasn’t good enough. a mixture of love and hate during the beginning of his career. his parents would often express that they were proud of the accomplishments he’d done so far. supporting him in his endeavors as he pushed forth into the highly competitive industry, but was it really enough? was he doing the best he could was the question. he always had this thing for helping others, but when it came to himself...
“the same as yesterday.” he spoke shortly. not giving any further meaning towards it because it would always be the same answer each visit. a disease that wouldn’t go away.
is it pain?
a swelling in his chest, tightening close with each breath. as if he was breathing in pins and needles the pain was always there, awaiting another worst possibly outcome to follow suit. instead of showing the world his weakness he hides it behind a smile. showing his love to the ones who supports him gave him a temporary relief that he needed. it was why he expressed himself differently towards fans, making them feel loved and wanted even if he hasn’t experienced such himself. did he want to speak about it publicly, yes. would he? no. because the fear of having everyone know the things that run through his mind wasn’t something he was quite ready to face just yet.
yes, it was pain. wanting to be bottled up in his own loneliness, spiral into a void of darkness until he could no longer feel again. those were the parasitic thoughts that emodied his headspace and it was healthy but it wasn’t something he could just voice out to anyone. it wasn’t like the judgemental thoughts of the onlookers following his every move, every scandal proved justice to him either. but his therapist, the one he’d been secretly seeing for years now, gives him a dosage of encouragement. some words to keep him going, and a higher prescription to keep him sane. as if he needed anymore downer in his life.
“i’m just really tired and i think things being brought forth in the media is pressuring me in negative ways but i also don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone so i feel i should constantly push forward even if i feel like this. just for a while longer...”
it’s the sadness in his voice that hints a breakdown is to come. too many thoughts overstimulates his mind to the point of it being overbearable. a feeling he dreads but has learn to deal with, coping being thrown out the window as his eyes closes sending his vision into darkness. a way to suppress everything attacking him at once time before muttering the words he asks mostly towards himself.
taeyang could say that he was only close with one member from his group, possibly because how well they related to one another. moonsik on the other hand was one that taeyang didn’t speak to often even though they all lived with each other. they type to stay alone in his own personal space as much as possible, being in a field of that supposedly meant for extroverts he was more introverted than anything else. then again, did the main rapper even talk off camera?
he was quite mysterious, and being that they lived together taeyang should know what the male is like on and off camera considering how long he have known of the other. that wasn’t the case, due to his lack of communitcation he had for the other members. there were even times when he’d forget that certain members existed within the group there was so many of them. like what did the group’s maknae look like again?
“you know, i think we are overdue for introductions and such. well not introductions because we already know each other but like conversations wise...?” did that even make sense? he approached him first because taeyang figured that the other male wouldn’t. considering their stage names they should be polar opposites but taeyang meaning of his name became his stage name and he’d doing everything but living up to it. there’s a possibility moonsik was finding better at doing so.
“i’m really trying my best here, i know my korean is questionable but can you not just stare at me...” he stated once more, feeling more awkward about the interaction.
he spins in the chair slowly, the four walls of the studio surrounds him as he decided upon himself to visit his friend during the recording of his song he planned on releasing. not having an schedules set for the time being, taeyang took it upon himself to venture out of his dorm that was currently occupied by the other groupmates and spend some time hanging out with other people he knew. not to say that he didn’t like his groupmates, but it was nice to get out and see new faces from time to time.
taeyang had met the male during one of his performances when he was trying to get inspiration from previous songs the group done and instantly their friendship grown towards what it was today. as someone who was the complete opposite as him in terms of personality, taeyang found it astonishing that he considered the other as a close friend at times. here he was at wishbone of all places, visiting and giving the other his thoughts on the sounds that were currently being made in the booth.
“wow, is it possible for someone’s voice to be that beautiful? i almost fell for you.” he stated his tone more that of a flirty one as seojin walked out, normal talk for the both of them.
when it came to yuseong’s newest boy group, blue.m, the boys somewhat reminded him of the time where he two was just starting out. always practicing hard because the thought of now giving more than the full hundred was unacceptable. the nervousness of seeing groups whom been in the industry long before him, the sensation of growing fans and debut. those feelings were that he missed only in small spurts. for phoenix’s beginnings were considered the ideal for newcoming groups.
but each member held their heads high despite the hardships that they faced which is why he felt that his team was such a strong contender to the competition. as for blue.m, they were the complete opposite of what phoenix or cresent could be. one’s who showed a more cuter side, bright and cheerful expressions filled the cameras enough to make taeyang cringe yet form a smile due to a swelling sense of him being proud. also a feeling of joy that he was fortunate enough now to debut with the said group. aegyo wasn’t his strong point and how the other’s within the said younger group was beyond him.
but he approaches one of the younger male’s, daniel or his stage name he goes by, danny. taeyang could always breathe out some sort of relief when he finds that there’s other people who speaks english. solely because its easier for him to understand as his korean was getting better but he knew he still had a lot to learn.
“blue.m don’t have schedules this week? you guys seem busier than all the other groups these days.” he started, a small laugh following after. not to say it was all shocking to see busier groups have off time , but that was mostly seen in older groups.
i’ve been thinking over this a lot and i feel like i need to start fresh with my threads cause i honestly have no idea what the plot is to half of them anymore. i’m so sorry, but in the meantime welcome to all the people who’ve joined and also if you’d like a random starter feel free to like this post!
a wash of relief comes over him, a sense of stress fallen behind as the days pass by. a wave of happiness felt when one is able to have some sort of freedom away from the public eye. these were the days that taeyang felt most happiest. having just some time to do things on his own schedule without having to worry over such as a full day of being in front of a camera, a full day of having to hear someone direct orders to you. he couldn’t recount the amount of times he expressed that he enjoyed experiencing his career because he did, but he loved his being away from the public eye as well.
events were well on its way, ISAC was a time for groups of different companies to come together and compete in friendly competition. he could recall the times he would sit in front of his television with his brother, hearing the older long for being a part of the idol world. if he was still here he wondered what he would be doing besides being in the older’s place. what occupation would he pursue, or would it still be where he was today?
he wasn’t the perfect musician as there were many flaws when it came to him. many scandals that followed suit and many situations that he regretted overtime. he felt a sense of remorse that the first thing he would be bottled up with upon debut was a dating scandal. such false rumors lead to what would follow him again three years later. he knew that none of it was true, regardless of what people said but the judgment of the viewers and persons behind their computer screens played a bigger role than he would like to force himself to believe. as someone who remained careful of his surroundings, such would come back to him in a form of a lie and a single letter representing his name.
locked up in his room throughout that time, he focused on other things such as music and reading over scripts for the drama that he was now staring in. positives and negatives came out from such but taeyang was one to try and maintain on the positives rather than the negatives. not dwelling into something that would trigger him into a downward spiral upon his next scheduled visit to his therapist. he wasn’t sure how much more medicine he could be perscribed with, how much more sessions and explaining to someone about his troubles he could deal with. why wasn’t being fully happy something that came with ease? the constant monitoring he brought upon himself when trying to follow his older brother was something he caused on his own. it wasn’t a proud moment, he even felt guilt towards his parents for his selfish and reckless choices. such things were left in the past and remain hidden from the rest of the world.
today was a free day for him, and not much for him to really do but enjoy his day. he would use this time to catch up on the sleep that was missed from days prior. he deserved that at least.
Perhaps in an attempt to cheer you up, since you always seemed so sour, he reaches out to give your head a stiff pat. “If you were so worried about me, then you should’ve said something. You don’t always have to follow me around like a little lost puppy. Just tell me that you wanna hang out. I could probably make some time for you, you know.” Despite the fact that his overall reading of the situation was completely wrong, this was his own sad invitation to the other. Maybe he really did want to have a friend by his side. Life did get pretty boring when you only had yourself to torment.
taeyang figured that this was subin’s way of getting into one’s head. his way of trying to remain innocent when he knew of his wrongdoings. this conversation wasn’t going anywhere but circles and taeyang could only handle the male in short intrevals of time. if there was one person that lived in his head rent free it was definitely the blue.m member. he knew the male had his own problems to deal with, starting with his attitude towards him and the group he was in and another being that he didn’t make it into phoenix. sure, he gets it. this wasn’t the route he wanted but at least he was given another chance and that’s what taeyang couldn’t understand while the other failed to realize that. “okay, whatever you say subin. i’m wrong, you’re right.”
he wanted to de-escalate the situation quickly, otherwise they’d be arguing about it for the rest of the day. if one would call this ordeal an argument. at the end of the day, he did fall in front of him and that was considered the highlight of his day. for someone like him of all people to embarrass himself not only in front of his label mates but him as well. taeyang didn’t regret laughing as hard as he did at the male either. even the thought of it brought back a mere chuckle from his lips and also an indicator that he wasn’t listening fully to what he was saying anymore. karma surely was really and it was nice that she affected people who were in need of it.
“are you asking me to hang out with you? now you want to be my friend?” he finally spoke only catching the last part of what the male had told him. taeyang wasn’t one to drift off from the conversation and ignore one, but subin was an exception. “sure, let’s hang out more often then and then you can show me how ‘crazy’ i am about this whole thing. as if i haven’t gone through enough these days.” he states, a hint of annoyance laced within his tone to show that he was done with the conversation and it was time to move on.
but that go through when the other patted his back in a noncomforting way causing taeyang’s eyes to narrow a bit, removing his hand away from him. “we aren’t close enough for you to touch me.” he stated coldly before continuing. “it seems like you got this turned around. i’m not worried about you, in fact you hardly cross my mind unless i’m talking to you and even then you still don’t. if you’re going to continue to be an asshole then i’ll take my leave now.” he spoke, making his way past the male.
