sam :3

20 perpetually scared unbelievably in love (go away)

[wtf-sam]

the seasonal depression caught up with me. at least im almost caught up on laundry tho #winning

[wtf-sam]

whats up gamers, attempting to climb the corporate ladder. praying a new position w more money can solve my mental illness #itwont

but if i can have morning shifts i pray itll at least help me fight the seasonal depression. infact, seasonal depression is gonna have to suffer through me.

anyway ive cut my hair, ive brushed my teeth 3 times this week, and im p much caught up on laundry so i can bed rot on my day off tmr. id say im doing pretty well.

[wtf-sam]

i hate my nighttime/sleeping anxiety. cause i feel so dramatic. like boohoo ur heart is beating really fast? its really loud yeah? go to bed have to wake up in nine hours. being fully rested gives you less anxiety.

like my obsessive thoughts get bad but like literally, its all in your head. you made it up pookie. its not ur intuition its ur mental illness. get the fuck over yourself.

anyway be nice to urself today, you look great. :)

[wtf-sam]

i luv treating tumblr like my own little diary

[wtf-sam]

i hate finding comfort in my own sadness. my anger. the heavy feeling in my heart. i forbid myself from getting better. every act i take falls back in my face and im stuck. im the spider in the corner while you hold the shoe, i feel small. im aware of my bad habits, i am fully aware of how to get better. ive broken the cycle many times, im fully aware that i will get through it.

but this time it feels different. the heavy feeling in my chest isnt just a small part of who i am, and how ive processed it all. it hits harder, ive fallen to my knees clutching my chest unaware if im even able to move.

my anger isnt just built up over time and bottled up for ages, its everything. i see it everywhere i go. i hate everything and everyone and just even being alive.

but i love being alive. i love re-reading my favorite books, and home cooked meals. i love seeing my friends after ages apart, and so much more. im so grateful for everything. but its so hard to be grateful when my mind is so hateful. and its not even that i hate myself, i hate my actions. my behaviors, all of my habits.

i want to change. i know im capable of change. but change is hard with no motivation. i know all the steps to get better, i know how to manage my symptoms and emotions. but why is this time so hard.

is it because im an adult now? not just a sad teenager? i have nothing to fall back on. its up to me. if i want to change i have to be the one to do it. no one is coming to save me.

but i hope some day ill be the spider in the corner, but instead of a shoe its a cup. ill be removed from the bad place and ill see the other side. ill see things are better when you try.

things are better when you change.

[wtf-sam]

my parents maturing and becoming emotionally intelligent people once ur an adult is insane.

im 20, and got locked out of my car yesterday. i called my mom and immediately thought she was yelling at me and quickly became defensive. she calmly explained she wasn’t mad at me and rephrased her sentence for it to make sense to me.

when i was 17 i locked my keys in my car at my job, my mom came to my work to unlock it with the spare. when i got home i got lectured on responsibility and how she could take my car if she wanted to.

why did 17 year old me deserve that but not now? what do you mean you understand it was an accident and was completely out of my control. where’s the yelling?? the disappointment?? where is the anger you showed me so much of as a child. because i cant regulate my emotions without knowing how you feel about it too.

[wtf-sam]

my body feels like its gonna explode im shaking like a senile elderly chihuahua and i go back to work in 40 min 😃

[wtf-sam]

i say “im just a girl” as in i want to be a housewife. i dont want a career or job i want to stay home taking care of and teaching my babies, and cooking meals for my husband when he comes home from work.

not the girl math, dumbing myself down and making irresponsible financial and just overall stupid decisions for a man to like me.

[wtf-sam]

i hate people who say they “cant cook” because when i say i cant cook, i mean i burn things, some pasta noodles might be under cooked, y’know most of the time im just throwing together what ive got.

but you’re telling me you cant read?? you can’t pick a recipe, make a grocery list, get your ingredients and follow the directions right in front of you?? no ones asking for it to be perfect! make a yummy home cooked meal!! its 10x better than whatever processed bullshit ur gonna put in the microwave

[wtf-sam]

i hate waking up at 5 am. but on the days that i do i also love it because i love slow mornings, taking the extra time to wash my face gently and brush my teeth. making a yummy breakfast with my favorite foods. using my extra time to get small tasks done and be a bit more productive. those mornings that make being alive actually livable.

thats it. thats the post.

[wtf-sam]

got a full time job now i have no time to be weird and off putting 😔

[wtf-sam]

i think i crave the 2016 emo era the same as a millienial missing their teen angst.

[wtf-sam]

i need to find a job that lets me wear whatever i want !!!! ugly uniforms r not 4 me !!! 💔💔

pls stop making me put my hair up everyday its finally so long and beautiful ☹️

[golden-letters]

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

[wtf-sam]

dying ur hair is fun until you actually have to sit and wait for it to process

[wtf-sam]

i wish id start journaling again but i know ill never commit.