I had a fight with a friend. We did not talk for almost two weeks---wait. I did not talk to him for almost two weeks. They know me, and I know myself as well; I do not like to talk when I’m mad. So he gave me space because he knows I’m still clouded with my own emotions and he wouldn’t be able to talk with me to resolve our fight. What did he do to make me so mad? Or hurt?
It was a friday afternoon, we were having a group meeting for our report. I was trying to polish and perfect my part because it was the most difficult part of the report wherein profs would usually bombard the reporter lots and lots of questions. We were somehow running out of time and this friend of mine was rushing us to finish my part. When I told him that I still have few things left to polish, he told us (me and my groupmate who was actually helping me with my part) that we shouldve been done with our reports by now since the case was given to us way ahead of time. I dont want to put here how he said those words but it really was painful. His words reminded me of how bobo I can get when it comes to acads. How slow I get when it comes to school works.
I guess I was hurt because out of all the reasons why, I have never expected those words to come out of his own mouth is on the top of the list. In that moment, I remembered the night when I called him just to cry like a baby and tell him that I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy, that I don’t know my worth anymore, that I don’t wanna live, and I just want to quit from everything because I keep on failing. I failed my subjects, my exams, I failed the people around me, and I failed myself. For a second, I thought, will I regret opening up to him? Sharing too much of myself to him? Was it all worth it? Among everyone else in our group of friends, he was the only one I cried to because I am losing myself. And it hurt me to hear those words coming from him, coming from someone I have shared my thoughts with. My uncertainties, my doubts, and all the gloomy thoughts running inside my head. For a second, I questioned his worth.
I don’t think I could ever explain all my pain to anyone. I don’t think they understand me very well because I am the only one who could understand what I’m going through. That is what I have learned after all these heartaches. No one will actually know and understand your pain. Even your bestest of friends.
Last night, we had a party. I got drunk and it was the perfect moment for him to try and talk to me. He explained his side. I don’t actually remember what he said, or how he explained why he said those words. I don’t remember, i was drunk. But all I know is he kept saying sorry. I have not. I was not able to do so because I was really drunk I was just thinking of myself. I did not say sorry even when I know I should have. Another friend explained to me why I am at fault too. And I understood. Gave me another reason as to why I need to apologize.