the cold winter days creeped up on us again, it seems. the days of cozying up in warm clothing, and the sales of those pricy chocolates increase.
i know what a lot of you are thinking: "what do you do during these days?" well, i'll be glad to tell you...
other than reading the same books, indulging in new ones, or even looking up xnline recipes to surprise my partner, and friends, i think about some songs that fit with the theme of the season.
of course, this is the time where random people go to your door, and sing a song to you. i have no idea why that became tradition. i guess that's just something that you guys ended up doing, but i'm not entirely sure.
either way, carols are a huge part of this celebration, leading us to the next year onward. it's fun to join in, but really, you don't know any of the words. that was until yesterday. i came up with my own carol. i mean, it was all improv, so it took some effort to come up with a melody that was memorable. granted, it still might not be memorable, but i memorized it enough for me to never forget it. i made that carol up for myself.
frankly because of the fact that i'm scared. i've always been scared. fear, as they say, have hands, for sure. like these days, fear creeps up on my conscious, uninvited. i don't like fear, but i've grown accustomed to it at this point. my family's words still stab through my heart when i came out to them. i can't never let go of that, and it's been that way for a long while. much more longer than i would like to admit.
it's weird, having to come out about my life like this. none of you really know me, but i'm letting you in that part of my life. there might not be anyone behind that screen, and maybe i am going crazy. but i have a space where i'm comfortable. i'm happy with the people i'm with. i'm happy with the clothes i wear. i'm happy that i even get this chance to type this out right now. while i'm also aware that not everyone are as privileged as i am, i want to, at least, help those who are just as struggling.
i might not be able to help those outside of here. hell, i don't know if i can even truly leave this place, but you all are always in my heart.
the main reason for this post: i just want to move on. i want to write more. i want to spend more time with friends. eventually, i want to make amends with them. hopefully to reconcile what we've lost. maybe we might bring back the times where we were close. however, that's only considered a thought, and nothing more.
i made that melody to remind me that i'm responsible for things, and how it'll turn out. i know people will say that "things will get better," and while i agree with that, i feel that nothing will get better, if i don't do something about it, y'know?
for the time being, i want to move on from the pain. it made a couple poems from me, but it's about time to make a new one from scratch.
just now, i looked out the window as i typed all of that, and it brought a tear to my eye. is it weird to think that it looked beautiful, despite the fact that neighborhood looked a bit rundown?
maybe it's just me, but who knows honestly...
thanks for reading. i've never liked talking about my life, and being really open about stuff, but that hasn't really stopped me before. however, i feel strangely calm now, having said all that. i wanted it to be a poem at first, but it transpired to this. hopefully, you'll still be fine with this post existing. hopefully, i'll get around to making more poems. maybe some short stories, too, if i feel up to it. :P
here's what that looks like, by the way. :)