too much to hate

✘ lost chances — ;

"this may be the worst speech you’ve ever heard—but i’m not sorry for it either."

#!`p: lost chances #!`ldh #apologies for any typos TT

jessica couldn't believe what she was hearing right now-- not even for a second because she knew well and enough now that anything donghae told her right now would just be a lie, a hoax, a form of persuasion or trickery to return them back to what they were five years ago.

and jessica jung learned a long time ago that it was hopeless to wish for useless dreams.

that's why she didn't stare at him with the same love, awe, worry, care that she did before-- no, she returned to him the gaze he gave her just seconds before he ripped her neck to shreds-- she returned that stoic gaze filled with dulled facial expressions and piercing, cold eyes. in other words, she couldn't express even more how little she actually cared about him anymore through her stare.

and when he stepped closer toward her and touched her skin, she didn't flinch like usual or feel the same sensation of warmth enveloping her body or suddenly swell with unconscious happiness as she was in his presence. instead, she just glanced at him in a deadpan manner, listening to his words and counting the seconds until he was finally done talking so he could just leave.

then when he at last uttered his concluding words, she allowed his speech to settle in the air for a brief moment as if it actually had an effect on her-- she allowed his hand to stay intertwined with hers as if the gesture somehow moved her feelings internally.

but it didn't.

and once a minute had passed, she tore her hand away from his grip as she took steps back to distance herself from him-- to distance herself from anything pertaining him. she scoffed at him, shaking her head in the process.

" god, you're such a fucking idiot-- you're not sorry yet you are sorry. fucking make up your mind! if you're not sorry, then why the fuck are you even here? and if you are sorry-- "

she glanced up to peek at him for a moment before shaking her head again with her lips pressed together and her jaw clenched.

" no. no, no-- you aren't sorry, okay? you have no right to be sorry. you have no right to be sorry because for the past five years, you've been living it up in the brotherhood and working so hard in trying to forget me and creating a new life for yourself, when i, on the other hand, have wasted five years of my life mourning and obsessing over you!

okay, you have no right to be sorry-- and even if you think you are, you should be on your knees begging for my forgiveness, but instead, you're standing here thinking that just because you broke into my home and gave me some spectacular speech that that'll somehow get me to forgive you? "

an exasperated sigh left her lips as she frowned at him.

" you have no right to be sorry because you didn't even think for a second how faking your own death would affect me-- would destroy me--

you're not allowed to be sorry! "

she inhaled sharply as she took another step back, furrowing her brow at the same time.

" you're not allowed to be sorry because you left me, and it took you all of five years and an attempt to kill me to finally tell me that you regret it-- but you're not allowed-- you lost your chance to be sorry.

you lost your chance to be sorry the second i walked into your funeral and shed a single tear for because i actually thought for a moment there that i lost you forever and that i'd never get you back.

yet, the only thing you're not sorry for is falling in love with me? "

another scoff escaped from her as she shook her head at him once again.

" out of all things, that should be the number one thing you would be sorry for. okay, because if you hadn't fallen in love with me, then you wouldn't have ever affected me the way you had-- you wouldn't have made me the mess that i am today-- you wouldn't have transformed my life into a living hell- you wouldn't have made me fall-- "

she suddenly halted herself as she realized what she was going to say. raising her eyes to set on his, she gulped as she tried to calm herself down.

" you wouldn't have made me fall.. in love with you.

but instead, you did, and because of that, i lost who i was-- and i can never find myself again because i loved you, and when you died, i thought i lost a part of me forever.

and i can never get that back. "

her voice trembled as she whispered those last words. she bit her lower lip, moving to wrap her arms around herself.

" but if you're not sorry, then i'm sorry.. i'm sorry for myself. i'm sorry that i had to throw away five years of my life because of you. i'm sorry that i'm no longer the jessica jung i knew and loved-- i'm sorry for getting trapped in your mind games and constantly hurting myself because of it.

and even now, you're still hurting me. i mean, you love me? you miss me?-- you need me? "

a frustrated sigh left her as she dropped her arms back down to her sides before one of her hands shifted to aggressively run through her hair.

" well, i don't need you. i never needed you, and i definitely don't need you trying to come into my life again and make things ten times worse than before, okay?

i don't wish that we were back together. i don't hope that things will work out for the better. i don't think we're meant to be-- i don't miss you.

i don't miss our toxic relationship-- i don't miss always being in pain because of you-- i don't miss you. "

and with that, she braced herself to finally let go of the man she'd loved so dearly in her heart-- she braced herself to, at last, move on and say goodbye to the tearful life she'd known. and staring at him now, she felt no remorse, no regret at all with what she was about to say-- not when she could already feel the cold beginning to ice around her heart.

" and i certainly do not love you.

not anymore. "

aseaofquotes

Jodi Lynn Anderson, Tiger Lily

#!`q

✘ lost chances — ;

( ... ) he wasn’t going anywhere.

#!`p: lost chances #!`ldh #this is long i apologize omf

garden.

jessica's head suddenly perked as the ambiguous word entered her mind. furrowing her eyebrows for a brief moment, she nonchalantly glanced outside the window to get the tiniest glance at the garden that lay near the other side of the house-- and there she noticed him.

meet me out in the garden.

she had to refrain herself from rolling her eyes right then and there-- god, he was really pushing the boundaries right now. shaking her head, she glanced down before catching her fiance's eye across from her-- he sent her a look that asked ' you okay? ' she just nodded her head in response, playing off the brief, little ordeal as she returned to focusing on the ramble beside her.

but every now and then, she'd catch herself glancing over at the same spot again, observing how the slightest shape of a silhouette didn't dare move a muscle-- and that just pissed her the fuck off. out of all people, you'd think after you tried murdering your ex-girlfriend that it'd be quite obvious that said ex-girlfriend never wanted to see you again.

but yet, there he was-- nonchalantly waiting in her family garden as if she was actually going to go out there to speak with him-- as if. he was practically asking for a death sentence; though, it wasn't like she was remotely keen on wanting to change his mind.

" sooyeon-- "

jessica snapped out of her thoughts immediately-- it took her a second or two to realize it was her she was being addressed to; she had almost forgotten what her real name was. turning towards her mother, she sent her a polite smile as she sat up straight to await whatever order the woman had in mind.

" why don't you show yifan around? you two must be plenty bored, sitting around and just listening to us talk. "

the brunette replied with a curt ' yes, mother ' before turning and nodding her head towards her fiance, moving to stand up in unison with the blonde across from her. she gave one last glance and bow to the adults to the left of her--she peeked briefly at her little sister who had been on the other side of her the whole time; krystal sent her a look that stated ' you're so lucky ' before jessica retorted with one of ' am i really, though? '--before guiding kris out of the room.

as soon as they were out of ear's reach, a sigh of relief escaped her mouth, which then led to a light chit chat to occur between the future couple. jessica attempted her best to seem like the ideal bride, concealing her true, rash personality as much as possible. she wove them throughout the house mansion, commenting every now and then on a certain room.

it wasn't until donghae began to come closer and closer into view, however, that she slightly panicked-- a reaction that she would soon regret later on. stopping in front of kris to block donghae's figure, she suggested he wait in the other room ( one free of witnessing donghae right outside ) while she gave the cliche excuse of needing to use the restroom. he politely agreed, and she observed as he strolled away from her. as soon as he was out of listening distance, she swiftly moved to confront the nuisance still lingering on her property.

" leave. "

✘ lost chances — ;

" so we've decided that the wedding date will be in two years during the summer-- that way, you both would've celebrated your birthdays by then. "

jessica just simply listened to her mother ramble on and on about the upcoming wedding-- you never realized how truly bored a housewife was until they're given the chance to actually do something. and in this case, it was planning her daughter's future wedding.

how deeply suburban.

" now now, they're still young-- we shouldn't bother with wedding details until it reaches the time. let them enjoy their dating period for now. "

her future mother-in-law preached as she glanced jessica from across the table. jessica politely nodded in response as the elder sent her a slight smile before returning the adult's conversation-- as it was her first time ever meeting her, jessica didn't have that many judgements about the woman ( surprisingly ) but wasn't that objected to become somewhat related to her in years time.

in fact, her future mother-in-love might have well have been the most tolerable person in the family sitting across from her.

silently sighing, jessica continued on with the meeting with a stoic expression etched onto her face. every now and then, her hand would travel up to trace the edges of the scar on her neck before her mother briefly glared at her and caused her to return her hand back onto her lap.

as she did her best to dull out her mother's ramblings next to her, jessica had to figure out ways to occupy time as it went on. once every so often she'd glance directly across from her to catch the eyes of her fiance-- he'd send her a warm smile to which she'd return her own polite one back.

wu yifan-- that was his name ( though, he had confessed to her earlier that he preferred being called kris. not that that was a problem to her-- she herself found comfort in an alias rather than her birth name. maybe she had more in common with this guy than she initially thought )-- was born november 6, 1990--a whole two years younger than her-- in guangdong, china: home to one of the most influential mutant clans in the country.

and that was all she knew of him-- personally.

other than that, she was only up to date on the fact that both their families had been searching for a merger to strengthen their alliance over the past couple of years. marriage had always been in question but not seriously considered until now-- until both of them had finally become of age.

which lead to where they were now: sitting in a business-like manner in the home of the jungs on jeju island as the female heads of the family frivolously discussed the specifics of the marriage, as the male heads conversed over future plans for their respective clans, as the other members of the families distracted themselves with various things, and as the future couple simply sat in silence as their whole life was mapped out for them.

nothing could get better than this ( not. )

#!`p: lost chances #!`ldh

aseaofquotes

Tessa Dare, Twice Tempted by a Rogue

#!`q #!`ldh

✘ for the first time ▬ ;

you’re more beautiful than i remembered.

#!`s: for the first time #!`ldh

{/ seeing donghae in pain in front of her was, in a way, therapeutic for her. maybe it was the fact that all these years of painfully hurting because of him for completely ridiculous reasons ( as she realized now ) drove a sense of want of revenge to happen upon him-- and though it wasn't exactly at the level she wanted it to be, seeing him moan and groan was a decent amount enough.

rule number one of the renegades: no mercy.

in seconds, she could anticipate his next move, and she braced herself as she found herself being flung backward an adequate amount of feet. leisurely landing on her feet, she regained her balance and meditated to charge up her powers-- she always thought she and donghae would get into a major fight one day. she just never assumed it'd be to the death-- funny.

rule number two of the renegades: no remorse.

but in a matter of minutes, she finds herself pinned to the ground with him hovering above her. she squirms under him, sparks going off every few seconds in hopes of stunning him to gain her escape. a groan, instead, leaves her as she feels his grip deathly grow stronger. her cries grow louder as she writhes around even more-- her shockwaves, too, even increased in strength along with her utter frustration. }

" well, you should've been more clear then, dipshit. "

{/ she tried to taunt, succeeding in avoiding his gaze because if she looked at him, at that very second in the eyes, she'd realize that he knew-- he always knew. especially when jessica didn't-- like right now. }

" get the fuck off me ! "

{/ she screamed at him, kicking him every so often which proved to be futile in the end-- but then she froze as she felt the familiar chill of his fangs ghosting along her neck. they'd been in this situation countless times before-- only now, he wasn't planning on biting her for pleasure but for pain.

rule number three of the renegades: no hesitation. }

" i hate you. "

{/ and with that, she allowed a single tear to escape from her eyes to roll down her cheek as she stopped moving--because what was even the point anymore when she knew what was bound to happen?-- and stared at ceiling with a lost expression.

for a split second, she cracked-- her rough exterior completely diminished as she found herself entirely vulnerable underneath him.

then an ear-splitting scream erupted from her throat as she felt him tear away skin from her neck. she couldn't push him off-- she couldn't retaliate from the action-- she couldn't move a muscle without being enveloped in a wave of pain.

the next few moments are a blur as she so desperately focused all her attention on dulling everything out around her. she could just make out the exasperated reactions from her comrades as she was hauled out into the hallway-- tsk, how embarrassing. a stupid fucking vampire managed to immobile the jessica jung-- disgusting.

she could barely remain consciousness, but as she witnessed him escape from the scene, she mustered up all her strength to sit up and announce one last order. }

" kill everyone in this building. no hostages-- no prisoners-- no one left alive. if they're not our ally, kill them on sight. immediately. "

{/ she had lost. and it was clear to her now that she always had and always will lose when it came to lee donghae. }

✘ for the first time ▬ ;

what are you really here for, jessica?

#!`s: for the first time #!`ldh #why is this so long wtf

{/ not being able to see him now was probably the best decision on her part at this moment. being around donghae, all the walls and forts and barriers she so proactively built up around her all came crumbling down just by standing in his presence-- which was utter bullshit, if you asked her.

she thought she'd moved on-- that she'd forgotten the entirety of lee donghae being in her life forever ( which, during the process, was one of the most difficult things she'd had to endure in her life. but this was jessica jung we're talking about-- the prime candidate in being able to completely, undeniably erase any trace of their loved one within seconds.

yet, donghae probably beat her in all levels when it came to doing just that. )

fall in love-- it took her a second to remember, but yes, she did fall in love with donghae. she wasn't going to deny it, either-- jessica jung fell in love with lee donghae.

key word, though: fell.

and hearing him talk about the event like it was some trivial topic to laugh about just made her wonder if she was the only one in their relationship to truly experience what she hoped and assumed they had: love. }

" you're right-- i forgot how much of a complete asshole you were. being in the brotherhood must've upped your douchebag levels ten-fold, then. congratulations. "

{/ she opened her mouth to scoff as she shook her head, but it's only replaced with a sharp intake of breath as she suddenly felt him hovering behind her-- his hand daringly laying on her body. she glanced down to notice his other hand begin to intertwine with hers, and she can just feel her heartstrings being tugged as she realized that a little, tiny part of her fucking missed him-- god, how she missed him.

she tried to focus on the words leaving his mouth, but the weaker part of her -- that little, tiny part of her -- instead imagined that he was simply whispering sweet nothings in her ear. her suppressed emotions began to envelop her body as her eyes fluttered shut, wanting nothing more than for him to decrease the space in between them-- for him to press his lips on her skin and send her into a flurry of chaotic bliss with him.

she bit down on her lower lip, fighting desperately against her own ridiculous cravings. she resisted the urge to back up and lean herself against his chest. she resisted the urge to tug on his hands to roam farther along her body. she resisted the urge to tilt her neck in hopes his lips would smother her skin with kisses. she resisted the urge to give him any sort of indication that she wanted more of this intimacy-- that she didn't care that she was supposed to hate him in this moment-- that she wanted nothing more than him right then and there.

but her mind, fortunately, won over her heart as she began to return to her senses, allowing his words to ring in her ears. and then the melancholy started to set in again as she listened to him-- she easily noticed that his constant repetition of the phrase ' i'm sorry ' was just an obvious mockery toward her, and lee donghae, of all people, should've known she hated being mocked.

then, within seconds, she felt herself being turned around and faced with his lifeless expression once again, and she just scolded herself for the last embarrassing few seconds of somewhat feeling something for him again-- for falling into this life-sucking bastard's trap again.

and she's about to open her lips to utter the words ' but i don't care ' loud enough to persuade him, and hopefully herself, that she really didn't-- but her action was halted as she felt a wave of a familiar feeling wash over her, and it didn't take her long to realize that he was compelling her, the little shit.

for a split second, she suddenly felt warmth enter her body-- starting from her lips and traveling outward through her veins. and she felt as if she was on cloud nine, away from her troubles and in a state of euphoria-- before the sensation disappeared completely, leaving her in a shroud of coldness and confusion when she didn't feel so dizzy anymore and noticed donghae out of her reach. }

" i thought it was obvious from the blood of your fallen comrades covering the walls of this base. it's called an invasion, donghae. "

{/ she tilted her head towards him, taking in his posture as she just shook her head with a chuckle. a beat of silence passed through them before she found herself standing right in front of him, tightly gripping his collar as she shoves him against the wall with a speed that could've challenged his own-- because after all those years of using her mourning to advance her training really paid off.

sparks were already appearing from her head as a clear indication of how annoyed she was with him. every now and then she'd shock him for good measure, just to make sure he wouldn't try any funny business like compelling her again. }

" and, i'm sorry to say this, but it looks like you just became part of the mission. "

{/ ah, what a cruel twist of fate this was-- star-crossed lovers turned utter enemies. how lovely. }

✘ for the first time ▬ ;

x-donghae-blog

*/ everything’s a slight blur until the noise of the outside world gets muted by the lock of the door clicking shut and the sudden stillness of things. one minute heads are rolling then the next hearts are beating too loud—the unpredictability of time is always so beautiful. he should be saying something, doing something. a lot of things, actually, that all run along the line of apologies and explanations, but nothing really happens. donghae looks at her almost like nothing happened, like they never had anything and it’s not apathy as it is an automated response. underneath the heavy layers of denial hardened by time lies a raging storm that’s been brewing for too long / very brave of you to do this. */ small pause. unenigmatic looks. blank faces that shouldn’t be. most of all donghae wants to hold jessica again and feel what it’s like to kiss her again and tell her that he loves her again and watch her wake up in the morning and smile again—but nothing really happens. and they’re left looking at each other, being obvious and mysterious, and he says— / what do you want, jessica? */ he says purposefully, as if he means business. but it’s different, saying her name over bar counters and glasses of expensive liquefied intoxication and saying her name sober, with her right there to hear him and with her right there for him to address her. it’s different, and he never wanted it to be /

#!`s: for the first time #!`ldh

{/ he killed her -- not in the literal sense, but it was fucking close enough. just with his expression -- his lifeless, dead, emotionless expression. no glint of surprise, relief, love -- nothing. nothing at all appeared in his eyes when he looked at her.

and that fucking killed her.

because that meant he forgot about her. and that couldn't be right-- that just wasn't fair because she remembered -- every, little, tiny, single thing about him.

because that meant he didn't care about her. and she cared about him -- so. fucking. much.

but there's no way in hell that she'd let him know that -- that he was literally tearing her apart inside-out this very second.

instead, she doesn't respond to his obnoxiously mocking statement. instead, she just stares at him and returns his painfully dull expression right back at him. instead, she just observes him, taking in the subtle changes in his appearance after all this time.

instead, she tries to forget.

instead, she tries to stop caring. }

" how long has it been since we've last seen each other?-- and the first thing you say to me is ' what do you want? ' very kind of you. "

{/ a scoff escapes her lips as she just shakes her head at him. for a second, she froze at the pure sound of him just saying her name-- technically, her alias. even there, she forgot that she didn't tell him her real name. funny how that worked out, huh?-- not telling the person you're in love with one of your deepest, darkest secrets.

maybe they weren't meant to be after all. }

" i never thought you'd be in the brotherhood. makes our little romeo and juliet story a lil' irrelevant now. "

✘ for the first time ▬ ;

x-donghae-blog

{ ... }

*/ of course the universe can be funny sometimes in the way that when donghae reaches the last turn before the exit he’s looking for he finds himself looking at his ex-girlfriend of two years who he faked his death for.

awkward.

but he doesn’t just stand there. donghae isn’t stupid. so he makes use of the isolation to make a dash for the doors. maybe jessica will think he’s just a ghost, maybe—oh who was he kidding. jessica is a lot of things but she isn’t an idiot. /

#!`s: for the first time #!`ldh

{/ this is too easy, jessica simply thinks to herself as she casually projects a shockwave toward a wall of brotherhood members, easily ( at least ) paralyzing them. she could just shock at the lack of.. difficulty the invasion was rewarding her. that wasn't to say that everyone was like her, though -- there were a couple of renegades who struggled here and there, but she conditioned them ruthlessly enough to stand their ground.

or she hoped.

whatever, she'd deal with the repercussions of causalities and fallen comrades later. right now, she was focused on one thing: the fight -- easy and smooth sailing through the rest of the invasion --

not.

it took all of three seconds after that thought for it to be completely thrown out the window, as she turned the corner, lifted her head, and came face-to-face with someone she'd least expected to be here.

her heart skipped a beat --

which was just enough time for her to realize what the fuck was going on.

lee donghae -- his name just sent a flurry of wonders and questions and musings into her mind, but none seemed to affect her significantly at this moment. seeing him now should've given her a sense of longing, enough to just run towards him, embrace him in the tightest hug, and pepper him with kisses.

but this was jessica jung we were talking about -- instead, her being swelled up with a whole group of opposite emotions --

anger.

betrayal.

hate.

and just when she's just about collected her thoughts, she watches him sprint away, and the action's enough for her to roll her eyes. typical donghae -- always running away -- from her especially -- but no way in hell is she letting him disappear from her life again -- so she chases after him, hearing the calls of her comrades asking where's she going and what the fuck she's doing. she ignored them -- nothing was more important than finally receiving answers from her ex-boyfriend.

effortlessly catching up to him ( even with his dumb inhuman speed ), she grabs onto his arm -- shocking it slightly to ensure he wouldn't attempt to escape again -- and drags him into an empty room nearby, decently free from all the chaos.

she thrusts him inside before briskly turning to slam the door shut ( not before she sends a glare to her teammates to not dare come inside -- she left the reason why up to their imagination. ) she inhaled deeply before crossing her arms and returning her eyes back on donghae behind her. }

" you've got to be fucking kidding me. "

✘ for the first time ▬ ;

" i swear to fucking god if another recruit tries to order me around again, i'm fucking electrocuting them. "

{/ she blankly states to herself as an extremely exasperated sigh escapes her. for the last thirty minutes, she had to listen to the new recruits ramble on and on behind her about guidelines and missions order -- it took all in her to not shut them to fuck up, since she'd somewhat promised to be a tad bit nicer.

the renegade stationed next to her just chuckled at her statement, but she simply ignored them. instead, she focused on what was right in front of her: the brotherhood base -- it stood rigidly, just waiting for something to come along and let all chaos run loose. she couldn't wait.

the mission had been planned for a while now -- the only problem was the when to actually initiate it, and at the rate the officials were going to decide the date, they might as well not infiltrate at all. if it wasn't for the fact that jessica herself decide to operate the invasion today, then the team that was currently standing near her would still be training for god knows how long back at their base. }

" i think we've played the waiting game long enough."

{/ she finally states after a prolonged time where they were just sitting. glancing around at her teammates, she sent them all a brief smirk before returning her gaze back at their task, raising her hand to start a countdown.

3.. 2.. 1..

go. }

#!`ldh #!`s: for the first time

— ` ( spring )

"we should go to a steakhouse!"

sooyeon rolled her eyes with a chuckle at the brunette seated next to her whose hands were fastened around the steering wheel as she turned left onto the next street.

the pad of the blonde's thumb swiped across the screen of her cellphone as she typed a brief message to soojung on her whereabouts for the rest of the evening. she tucked the device in her pocket before her head perked as she listened to one of her other close friends speak up in the backseat.

"we went to a fucking steakhouse last time, taeng," the ebony-haired female responded as she peeled her eyes away from staring outside the window which was continuously being stained with raindrops outside. "let's go somewhere else instead."

the renegade nodded her head at the suggestion. "i agree with miyoung. how about a sports bar? we can pig out on junk food and get piss drunk. and yoong's actually legal, too. i'm sure she's had more than enough time to hold time a few shots."

a smirk tugged at her lips at the remembrance of the past summer night as she spoke. it had occurred years before when the youngest in the group was still under the legal drinking age whilst the others weren't. nonetheless, the gang managed to sneak her inside a bar that had coincidentally been during the evening of a somewhat intense soccer game for the country.

simply speaking, the memory was one that never failed to amuse her whenever it crossed her mind. although the three oldest had their own share of alcohol during the year they explored in various bars and clubs, yoona was still ever so inexperienced when it pertained to drinking.

and surely after her first sip of alcohol, the reaction was bound to be an entertaining one. her reddened face while she aimlessly shouted at the bar television with the rest of the drunken men in the building was no doubt her highlight of that whole event.

needless to say, the rest of group refused to let her live down the outing to this day.

"oh no, i'm never drinking with you three again! you always give me glass after glass -- it's not my fault i act like a fucking maniac!" the taller brunette attempted to argue but as always, she was never able to go against her unnies' wishes.

a genuine chuckle was heard from beside her. "so sports bar it is then?" miyoung confirmed as she learned forward in her seat.

sooyeon nodded her head, glancing in the rear view mirror to witness yoona's acceptance of the idea no matter how much she despised it.

her eyes glanced over to her left, noting the pout gracing taeyeon's features. "i still want to go to a steakhouse," she grumbled before switching her turn signal on.

a soft smile faded onto her lips at the continuance of their slight interactions. yoona and miyoung chatting away in the backseat while taeyeon commented every now and again with some absurd sentence as she drove -- it was then that she realized how much she valued the three girls that were currently seated in the car with her. her second family, you could say, and she wouldn't have had it any other way.

she tilted her head to glance outside her car window. the darkening sky contained millions of tiny stars that appeared to have shone brighter in that moment then she had ever witnessed them to before.

the rain continued to fall heavily, beating down against the glass with a hushed pitter-patter.

and then the spring season finally began.

#!past #!selfpara #!four seasons

— ` ( winter )

sooyeon watched another minute tick on the clock of her cellphone. her impatience was steadily increasing with every second she checked the screen only to notice it be the same since the last time she confirmed it.

it had been twenty minutes 'till midnight, and she was mentally exhausted from spending the whole of her day at the dull building and not at home relaxing and bumming around with her sibling like she should've been.

a frustrated sigh escaped her lips; the droning of the older male in the front of the room had been silenced in her ears for the past few hours or so. the meeting had passed in a blur -- one that seemed to just continue on and on for what felt like ages.

"okay, that's it for today," the blonde suddenly spoke up, standing from her seat at the head of the table with a hidden agitated expression plastered on her face.

"but sooyeon--"

the mention of her real name caused her to send chilling daggers towards the middle-aged man. no matter how close he was to her father, she refused for anyone to call her by her true identity -- that right had been reserved for soojung alone.

"i mean, jessica. we haven't even planned out the second half of the missions."

she rolled her eyes, honestly fed up with these nonsensical meetings that minsoo bestowed upon her to lead. they were quite useless, really, as the majority of the time was spent discussing battle tactics she was well-aware were recipes for failure. not that she'd ever bring up the fact, allowing the males to bask in the glory of power before having it crumble in front of them due to their worthless efforts. she was only ever there to supervise and approve, though she always ensured another was to blame when plans never played out the way they were supposed to.

"do i look like i fucking care? it's almost 12am, and i spent my whole entire christmas eve with a bunch of dumb fucks. so if you'd excuse me, i'd really like to head home and relish the last ten minutes or so of it with my family."

with that, sooyeon gathered her files and shrugged on her coat before waltzing out of the room. the exasperated reactions of the cluster of officials amused her -- a smirk tugged at her lips. her heels clicked against the tiled floor; the sounds of them echoed throughout the now silent building as she passed through.

eventually her feet carried her out of the headquarters and in front of her home, a dimmed light seen from the outside being the only source of illumination on the empty street. the lower half of her body shivered as she fumbled with her house keys, forcing it into the lock with shaking hands.

as she forced open the door, the warmth enveloped her, causing a breath of relief to enter the air. the slam of the door rang throughout the house, lulling out the sound of the television in the background. sooyeon tossed her paperwork onto a random desk along with coat before wandering into the living room, witnessing her younger sister lounging on the couch.

at the sight of her entrance, she could just make out the slight smile that crossed the other's features.

"you're late," the brunette stated with her usual sarcasm that masked the genuine care any of the jungs were incapable of actually portraying.

with a scoff towards her statement, sooyeon stepped out of her shoes and made her way towards the her, plopping herself down in next to her with a hushed 'oof'.

noticing the wall clock placed above the tv, she shook her head at the sight of both hands hovering atop of the number twelve.

"merry christmas," she told before wrapping her arms around the teenager's shoulder and tugging her closer.

#!past #!selfpara #!four seasons

bae-joohyun-deactivated20150111

#!v

bapthatassup

#!v #i totally didn't forget #shhh

Happy Birthday, Jessica~! { 4.18.13 }

#!v

bapthatassup

Happy Birthday Jessica!~

✖ has no one told you ?

changmin stared — brows furrowing, eyes stinging as he narrowed them on her, unaware — uncaring of the first tear that slid down his cheek, or the second that followed as he forced out a single word between piercing silences and the merciless clenching of his heart as it broke, “no.” he lifted a hand to his face, half covering it even as his eyes remained locked on jessica; unable to find any other words to say —

god only knew, nothing would come out.

#p: has no one told you #c: shim changmin

that was when she broke down.

just seeing changmin's horrifyingly real reaction, she knew that there was simply no point in upholding her facade of being alright. the tears rushed down her cheeks, leaving evident streams on her skin as her eyes reddened in color. not even caring how much of a hot mess she was appearing, her whimpers and hushed sobs became audible. she held a hand to her mouth, squeezing her eyes shut as her body shuddered with waves of emotion.

inhaling deeply, she attempted to regain her composure to speak again. "i don't know how it happened.. it was.. there was.. everyone was moving around me, and there were so many of us dead-- my own father was dead! so that left me to protect her and my mother, but it all happened so fast.. she was right next to me-- i turned away for a second only to see she was gone. disappeared. i lost her."

jessica felt like a blubbering idiot for plainly stating all her internal conflicts and regrets. her cries faded into silence, and her eyes stung from weeping. she wrapped her arms around herself, her body unconsciously yearning for someone to just hold her, to tell her everything was going to be alright.

not like that that's actually gonna happen, though, if you take into account of how things currently were.

realizing her head was bent downwards for that whole period of time, the female mustered up the courage to look him in the eye. she observed the different flickers of his feelings in his brown orbs. and at that moment, she realized how similar the two were.

both were heartbroken. both were mourning -- over the same people, too.

and both were looking for someone who could maybe, quite possibly make their hell of lives a little bit more bearable to get through.

✖ has no one told you ?

his voice caught in his throat for all of a moment before the words came flooding out; something in him faltering — cracking along the lines of old wounds that refused to heal. and here he was, about to share those wounds with someone else, with little warning, under a flickering streetlight on an otherwise empty road.

but the time for sparing words had long passed.

“miyoung didn’t make it.”