‘ you know what your problem is? i’m too good looking. ’
‘ god, what did you have for breakfast this morning? carnation instant bitch? ’
‘ oh, is this what we’re gonna do today, we’re gonna fight? ’
‘ because you’re breaking up the band, yoko! ’
‘ an apple? where’s my candy, you son of a bitch. ’
‘ she told me she loves me and then i told her i loved cake… ’
‘ how’d you’d like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass? ’
‘ look, if i could run across the beach into my own arms, i would. ’
‘ you know he never liked phones. he said he could hear voices in ‘em. ’
‘ when my time comes, i wanna be buried facedown so that anyone who doesn’t like me can kiss my ass. ’
‘ you know what your problem is? you’re really cute… so no one ever told you to shut your pie hole. ’
‘ god, we are such the… perfect couple? ’
‘ you’re cold? well damn, i can’t control the weather! ’
‘ the gym, or as i like to call it, the institute of things i can’t do. ’
‘ well, i’d like to help but… not as much as i’d like not to. ’
‘ don’t put me in your fantasies. i don’t even like being in your real life. ’
‘ i don’t like people. i like rock n’ roll, sex, and pizza – in that order. ’
‘ i’m not loving anybody that i’m not legally required to. ’
‘ and if somebody doesn’t tell me i’m cute in the next five minutes, i’m gonna scream! ’
‘ don’t hate me because i’m beautiful. ’
‘ i can’t count on much in this crazy world, but i can always count on you. ’
‘ i’m going to go out, meet some boys and crush their hearts one by one. ’
‘ where zen ends, ass kicking begins. ’
‘ you guys are fighting like cats and whores. ’
‘ cake is good, but you cannot have sex with cake. ’
‘ well, my head says no, but my heart says no. ’
‘ the three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and hollywood. ’
‘ hey man, if you don’t get caught, everything’s legal. ’
‘ yeah, but god didn’t see that. i was in my van, and he can’t see through lead. ’
‘ college is for ugly girls who can’t get modeling contracts. ’
‘ college is for women who don’t want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children. ’
‘ i was never happy. i was just less pissed off. ’
‘ sometimes when i’m alone, i just love to cuddle. ’
‘ i have a definite opinion on this… i don’t care. ’
‘ when he’s unhappy, i know our relationship is in good shape. ’
‘ all right, sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass. ’
‘ that’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity. ’
‘ we have some breaking news: i’m toasted. ’
‘ but i don’t want to go outside. there are people out there. ’
‘ oh, please. i’m a hot-looking, smooth-talking, frisky-assed son of a bitch. ’
‘ no, i’m not pouting. that would upset our routine. god knows i wouldn’t want to move in a new direction and accidentally slip in a puddle of fun or anything. ’
‘ i’ve just decided being sad is a waste of my time. ’
‘ he called me ugly on the inside and the outside. i’m sorry, but he’s just wrong about the outside part. ’
‘ i don’t really cook much. i just plan on getting by on my looks. ’
‘ no, no, no, you just don’t move on from me. i’m like alcohol. you need a twelve-step program to break my smell. ’
‘ you know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass makes me really glad i’m not poor. ’
‘ the person i love the most is me! ’
‘ i was voted most popular, best legs, and now godmother? what can’t i do? ’
‘ why am i alone and all of you less attractive people are happy? ’
‘ it’s better to have loved and loss than to be butt ugly. ’
‘ okay, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: everyone loves me. ’
‘ why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed? ’
‘ i got a lot of free time. i mainly use it to nap and cry. ’
‘ i’ll just curl up in the fetal position and think about pancakes. ’
‘ have you been in bed all day? ’
‘ last night i only slept like… nine hours. ’
‘ i pity you because you’re dumb. ’
‘ responsible people don’t go around getting their nipples twisted. ’
‘ they want to kill rock n’ roll because they know it makes us horny, man. ’
‘ i would love car sex… or just sex… or just a car. ’
‘ no, i don’t feel bad. i don’t feel anything. ’
‘ man, think about it. we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends… i live for days like this! ’
‘ it’s like we’re too old to trick or treat and too young to die. ’
‘ talking isn’t gonna help me, okay? what’s gonna help me is, like, drinking. ’
‘ hey, yeah, that’s the worst idea i’ve ever heard! ’
‘ i wish i was an octopus. ’
‘ thanks, but i’ve gotta go to sleep because i have a big day of misery ahead of me. ’
‘ life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. ’
‘ well, for your information, i’m already sorry i was ever born. ’
‘ i don’t have a hickey. i was using a curling iron. ’
‘ give me a reason why i shouldn’t set you on fire. ’
‘ i’m a hottie, you’re a nottie. ’
‘ prison is not an option for me, okay? i can’t pee in front of other people. ’
‘ man, time really flies when you take two naps a day. ’
‘ oh, no. now i have to act normal. ’
‘ oh, i just remembered i can’t loan it to you on account of i hate you. ’
‘ i’ve been diagnosed with a disease that makes me irresistible to women. ’
‘ you know what the best thing god ever did was? boobs. ’
‘ i’m like ketchup. i go good on everything! ’
‘ when we were about to fool around and i said that i washed my hands, but i really just got done playing with like six dogs. ’
‘ there’s a rabbit stuck in a tree and i want to return that rabbit to the wild so it can lay its eggs. ’
‘ if this is about maturity then i want nothing to do with it. ’
‘ a wedding without a trampoline? that’s crazy talk. ’
‘ i don’t wanna blink ‘cause i’m afraid to miss even a second of your cuteness. ’
‘ you seem normal around your family, but out in the real world, you’re kinda nuts. ’
‘ i could get arrested. i could go to girl prison. this freakin’ rocks! ’
‘ my parents are fighting all the time and they want me to choose sides, but i can’t because they’re both idiots. ’
‘ why would sally sell seashells down by the seashore? i mean, that’s a terrible location for a seashell stand. ’
‘ i’m not strong, but i know a lot of ways to destroy men emotionally. ’
‘ i don’t have feelings for him. i just hate that bitch for making him happy. ’
‘ i’m not jealous, i just want to pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room. ’
‘ hello, it is me, the object of your desire. ’
‘ i’m a beautiful girl with a shrill, demanding voice. i’m pretty hard to ignore. ’
‘ a gold digger is what these idiots call a woman who knows that love eventually wears off, but money is forever. ’
‘ you see, a more productive use of my time is revenge. ’
‘ i cannot be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth. ’
‘ i don’t answer stupid questions. ’
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