This is just LYFE!!!

[xavygonzales]

Yet another day that I barely function. Still drowning in the sorrow I’m feeling. I want them here to again come home and have someone… to tell about all the stupid moments of the day. But it’s not here, I don’t know when it will be… or how she feels.

I miss hearing your breathing at night next to me… being able to hold you tight when I need to be. To hold your hand and not feel like you want to run, having to hold on tight so I don’t say so long.

I wake each hour terrified that I will wake to a message that another decisions been made, in the wake of this disaster. One that would completely take them away, I feel a pit in my stomach… each and every day where happiness once lived and butterflies resided!

[xavygonzales]

Never thought I would be sitting here feeling so damn alone all over again. I am lost but trying to support how you are feeling. I feel like I am drowning in silence, left alone to my own devices… my heart, soul and very being are so broken right now…

[xavygonzales]

TDoV is a time to be open and proud and to be loud for those of us that are silenced by fear of hatred or worse violence. I am showing ME for those that cannot! (at Colorado) https://www.instagram.com/p/CNHAkSijRDEmKA_6Dmh3rEak32wl-wd-9N44-40/?igshid=12pstb15r5wbi

[xavygonzales]

I should’ve known...

I should’ve known our paths were meant to cross, that soooo many years ago we were meant to meet. That the spark would ignite in a way that neither would ever see, even though it didn’t last back then.

I should’ve known you were brought to me for a reason, I needed you in my world... I just couldn’t see it...

I should’ve known that you were placed in my world, and with change of seasons. You’d be there for me whenever I would need it... holding me up, holding me tight I just couldn’t feel it.

I should’ve known you were brought to me for a reason, I needed you in my world... I just couldn’t see it...

I should’ve known that though we parted ways, you’d never left me. You were never far behind, that now it seems perplexing... that I didn’t realize...

I should’ve known you were brought to me for a reason, I needed you in my world... I just couldn’t see it...

I should’ve known you never left me behind, you just stepped aside and waited. You were always by my side, though I didn’t know it!

I should’ve known you were brought to me for a reason, I needed you in my world... I just couldn’t see it...

I should’ve known that in passing time, that light would be mine. That I would see that spark hidden sooo deep inside would be reignited... by having you with me!

I should’ve known you were brought to me for a reason, I needed you in my world... I just couldn’t see it...

[xavygonzales]

When I’m with you,

I get lost in your eyes... drowning in the feeling of comfort, swimming in the feeling my heart gets. I cannot wait to get lost in the universe that’s ever growing when you look at me at night.

I get lost in your eyes...burning with desire to be drawn in further, but yet wanting to let go. To float through the abyss that the world lead me to, through your eyes.

I get lost in your smile... it makes my heart skip a beat and the world around me, just falls away. My soul pulls you in and I cannot let go of everything I am feeling.

I get lost in your smile... when your smile blows a new hole through the wall I built, for protection from the bad. It fixes all the broken pieces, one at a time creating a new picture... of my world with you!

When I am with you... I get lost!

[xavygonzales]

Birthdad

Have you ever just questioned if they know of you, wondered if they cared enough to check in... or questioned if they have any idea(s) of who you are...

Have you come around,

Have I passed you on the side walk...

Or maybe just maybe

In passing we exchanged glances.

Have you got an inkling that I need you,

That I want to know if I’m like you...

At all...

If your personality, or looks...

I have gained!

Have you wanted to know me...

Questioned if I were a mini you,

Hoped that I could be?

What if I passed you on the street,

Would you give me the time of day...

Would you be able to look at me,

Straight in the eye?!

Would you come around,

Would you stop me if I walked by...

On the sidewalk!

[xavygonzales]

Privilege

I’m over it...

Watching people complain about the money issues they “have”... or lack there of. I am sick of those who judge others because of what they wear, or where they work, or what they like to do for fun. People are oblivious in all their money fucking filled glory... oblivious to actual hardship oblivious to actually having to plan out how to use your paycheck to last 2weeks, a month, sometimes even more....

I wish I had your money issues... I wish...

I wish that I could take trips just cause I felt like it, that I could put a roof over my families head, and take of them like I dream of. Yet all it is, is me wishing...hoping...and dreaming!

I envy the world that you live in where you think you struggle, cause you can’t go purchase new clothes, get the newest phones, or live in a world of do what you want when you want with out a real care of what it may or may not cost.

I hate that you don’t truly work hard... but in your world you believe you struggle every day. I hate that you push your money in peoples faces, and act as if some are less than... when in all reality you should view yourself that way. You should know you are less than, because of how you would treat the world differently... just cause they don’t fit into your little box.

I live a life of paycheck to paycheck... and grew up being truly grateful when I had the extra money to splurge on myself or my friends or loved ones... I learned what the value of a dollar was long ago and feel overwhelmed watching you and younger generations act as if 100$ is in comparison to .25 and how you can’t make it last, or can’t make it go far... when in all reality sometimes I have to make that or even less last a month sometimes more. I give up the things I like to do like cutting my hair, or seeing movies, or just cruising in my car. Cause the money I have is for bills and I know what’s important in life... I know how to take care of things before I do what I “LIKE” or “WANT” to do. I take care of the “NEEDS!!!”

If only you knew what it was like to struggle, and I mean truly struggle. Not go out every day for food, or most nights with friends, getting hair done, or nails, maybe purchasing ten new outfits or ordering off amazon... if you knew what struggle was the world would be completely different in your eyes... you would no longer be blind to the fake and you’d walk willingly into the REALITY!!!

[xavygonzales]

You ever been through something in life that truly opened your eyes to what you want, what changes you need to make and how to go about all that?

Lately that’s all I have been able to think about, I know what I want for my future and I know some of the steps I need to take to reach those goals. So I have been pushing forward with different ventures to help lead me to the finish line!

I want a home and to take care of my family in every manor of the word. I want to be able to be comfortable in my own space and not feel like I owe someone anything for putting me up or helping me. Although grateful for those i do have in my life that were always willing to step up, I don’t wanna live a life knowing I could do more.

I want to be healthy in every way that I can control. I have the gym membership and have been going but I really need to push my limits and make it more regular, I also need to make big strides to take the steps to making changes for my nutrition! I need to definitely eat better and do better for myself.

I have been wanting to take the time with my my family to be able to travel and create new memories cause that’s what will last, I love working but I honestly would rather not have to and just be in the world see things teach my daughter by doing, and seeing. I want to help her grow her passions and just have time. Cause you never know how long things will be, or if life will allow you to stick around!

I NEED to give my daughter THE BEST LIFE!!! The absolute best in every single sense of the word. I need to be there for her, to help her grow, to teach her all that I can, to hold her when needed, and to push her always to get up, I need to teach her that she’s always worthy of her dreams and aspirations... and that NO other person could ever tell her differently, and those that may try aren’t at all worth her time! I need to show her that she is the world so that when someone wants to be part of her world she understands that she should be treated like a queen always!!!

I need to make change in my life and in the world even if it’s small things that no one else notices, I need to know that I lived for something. I need to make time for friends and loved ones, I need to open my heart to new experiences and I need to truly see the world and anything and everything in it!!!

[xavygonzales]

One of those songs that just speaks to me on a regular!! Also let’s me just get out of my own head...

[xavygonzales]

Have you ever sat and enjoyed the world and everything going on around you... truly taken in the sounds, looks, and personality that surrounded you. Sitting in a full room whether it be surrounded by strangers, or those close friends you never want to leave... yet your mind wanders of elsewhere. You pause the moment and walk off to another universe and just look in from the outside, like window shopping in a mall. You see the different scenarios going on around you, all of which you are involved to some small extent...Yet not at all...

Have you wondered if you said one thing differently, if that world you are looking in on would change, would those friendships stay the same... or would it turn to quick glances and last had small exchange. Would you feel, hear, and see those same noises... get lost in your thought but interrupted by a nudge or small shake. Would you travel still to your own world and be inspired by the things you see?

Have you ever been entangled in your mind and thoughts that are running within, screaming to be freed but so scared that the silence continues to rein? The possibility on what could be or what should’ve been, the idea that you just need to listen to your heart within. Can you hear the beating noises in the background, the talking voices and the sound of lips parting as they grin around you.

Have you ever truly been taken aback by a single person, so lost in how they shove kind words down your throat in only the sweetest sentiment. Someone who looks into your soul even when you are away, that can take one single moment and turn it into a lifetime of longing. A single person that can reach into your heart and pull every heart string that ever snapped in the past, once broken but now again restored! Have you truly been taken aback by a person that even in the darkest of moments a txt or word from them can turn your whole world upside down.

Have you ever sat and enjoyed the world and everything going on around you...

[xavygonzales]

In the Mirror

Have you ever just looked in the mirror and envisioned a whole different version of yourself, I don’t necessarily mean physically but emotionally and mentally and like outwardly seeing how many versions of your own life you could’ve or still could live? Have you ever wondered if you changed this or that what else could’ve or would’ve been.

Have you ever just looked in the mirror and felt truly full, and no not belly full... but full of life,love,happiness. Just truly full of all the emotions that surround us on a daily, sometimes maybe even a little bit crazy...

Have you ever just looked in the mirror and saw weakness,flooding from your eyes, their eyes... everyone’s eyes. As you fill bucket after bucket with broken pasts: love/family/friends... broken like the glass of a window swiftly broken by anger and envy take took on the shape of a brick.

Have you ever just looked in the mirror and felt strength... strength to conquer anything and every hand dealt to you... to us... strength that grows with every version of us. That molds us and changes with every weak point... molding us into newer individuals helping fill the voids in our hearts... in our minds in our lives, til we feel full...

.....Have you ever just looked in the mirror.....

Stevi G 4/17/19

[xavygonzales]

Looking for the light

You know I have a ton of ups and downs in my life when it comes to health issues, and well what I have just been through in general throughout my past. I am not someone that has to deal with depression or any major issues that could hinder an persons day to day life... I have however lived with/ watched and tried to help close friends and family through these kind of moments.

However I have found that with the last few years and me going through my life to create the better me, I have run into many hurdles. I had some major image issues before I was able to get my top surgery, and now I have dysphoria beyond belief that has quickly grown over the last 4-6 months, when it comes to bottom surgery. I wasn’t completely sure if it was gonna be something I wanted to do or needed to do, at the beginning of my transition. But I have quickly learned that although I am pleased with how my body is starting to look... well that’s just it... I’m pleased with how it’s “starting” to look... and I am struggling.

This will be a TMI moment (so click away if you don’t want that):

Well when it comes to sexually having anything done, or in general wanting anything done. I hit a brick wall, and find that I consistently have to have an argument in my head, trying to find ways to be okay with moments like those. Now for as long as I can remember that’s not been an easy situation to be in. I always felt sooooo uncomfortable in those situations and never knew what to do about it all, and how to react or how to fix it... well of course not til I started the translation. And now that I have gotten past the top surgery, I have super found that I WILL NOT... AT ALL... be complete until I do actually get bottom/lower surgery. I will not feel comfortable in sexual situations 100% until that happens.

But then I look at the whole different side of all that, thinking of the price of getting that done makes me want to vomit and knowing there’s sooooo many limitations to the surgeons that would even except insurance makes it soooo much worse. I cannot wait for the day where I can quite literally do that surgery and just be able to well grab my junk like a damn douche and be able to sexually stimulate a woman by penetration without it always having to be my hands or some kinda plastic piece of crud! Going more deeply into the TMI moment, well I want to be able to “stick it” for lack of a better word to the person that would be sharing my bed, I want to know what it’s like to have sex like what you see in movies sensual to some crazy animalistic sexual desire driven purely by a deep desire to make a woman feel lost in the moment.

What the fuck do I have to do to be able to get to that point in my life... and good god how long do I have to wait. Currently patience is not at all a virtue!!!

[xavygonzales]

In recent months I’ve come to see just how truly great you are for me. I’ve been struggling with my own troubles, but with you that pain fades... the struggles go. There may be still lingering obstacles that I still have to work through... but just talking with you, brings new light to each of my days.

Can you see in me, what I’ve done to change... can you feel my heart always pounding for you, screaming when you are away... whispering to your back exactly how I feel!? Do you feel my soul pulling you to me, holding you as deeply to my chest, as the world allows me to!

Ive had love for people in my life, many times before. But nothing drew me in so deeply than you being in my world. It’s been like a breath of fresh air...that’s always been with me, still... always feeling so brand new. A new start to my every single day, a new beginning... that I always hope ends with you staying.

I spend most days and nights with you wandering through my dreams... keeping my heart so quickly beating. You spend so much time with me, even while you are away... that sometimes it’s hard for me to know what’s truly real! I’m in love with everything you are, and everything you bring to me!

[xavygonzales]

When your body is broken but life goes on...

Lately I have been soooo desperate to have enough going on in my day to feel like I’m not a lazy bum. I had two surgeries one of which, I was completely wanting and which went off without a hitch. The other is a second on an injury from Jan 2017... and I am completely ready to kill half the world in order to get things to be right in the world. I miss that my left arm, is not as useful as it used to be and it blows more than anything especially being as I am left handed... hmmmm my dominance needs to shift sides.

But I fucking miss everything about when it worked properly, I think honestly the world takes a lot for granted. Especially when it comes down to not having any injury or not having to struggle.

I sit here missing work and missing my regular activities especially fitness and all the calm it brought into my world... and I cannot wait to get back to all that. I know that it might not return to my regular, and I try to play it off that I am calm and cool and have a plan for if I get stuck without functionality enough to do my work or to do daily basics such as cleaning round the house, driving a car without being wary of making turns, intimacy, or work... I have no plan if I can’t get back to my normal. I have no professional background in anything that isn’t hands on... and now days it’s been a thought in my mind that I will actually have to worry about that a lot sooner than I might have without the current situation.

Literally can’t sleep cause my injury and in turn get more sleepless cause the thoughts that I have to start over in life, employment, or anything without a proper fix to my issue!!!

[xavygonzales]

The ups and downs

You know the last few months have been crazy from my second shoulder surgery (work injury January 2017) sooooo slowly creeping on 2 yrs doing shit to try to fix an issue that would’ve been avoided if my “trainer” hadn’t pushed me to do stuff I wasn’t trained for yet...

But my frustration was already super high the end of last year when they ran out of ideas... got the surgery May 21st and didn’t start pt til July 2nd and can I say I’m again feeling the frustration boil over as I have watch my pt ladies face go straight back to running out of ideas and building her own frustration for me. But seriously like WTF... why the fuck do I have to keep dealing with this bullshit. Why is there no more ways of figuring out a good way to help me move forward. My primary for workman’s comp is telling me to talk to the doc I am going for for my numbness and tingling cause he should also be handling pain management but they want me to talk to him about actually doing pain management which doesn’t make me feel better about the situation, I don’t wanna rely on any meds for relief... plus I’ve not been put on any pain meds in my life that have actually done shit for any pain I’ve ever had... so now what my pt says something that deals more with calming the nervous system... but that can include meds that are used primarily for depression... which can cause issues with mood and stuff when you don’t have those issues to begin with... sooooo my excitement level for that is like -100.

All in all I am assuming that I will get left in the dark and will just have to learn how to deal with the extreme bursts of pain and the numbness/tingling/ and obsurd cold feeling i feel constantly in my forearm and hand that being said I’m left handed which also means it hinders the things I can do at work and will more than likely hinder the kinds of jobs I can hold later on in life... can you say YAY..... fuck NO!!!

On another note:

Then got top surgery which I cannot be more thankful for it’s a step towards me being able to fully be the man I’ve always known I was... and can I say going to the pool and not having to worry bout covering with some sort of top is amazing!!! So partially I am so very happy with what I have going on in life and the things I have been able to accommplish on the other hand I want to cut my arm off at the shoulder and just be one handed... or maybe have some freak accident happen where it falls off... either way I will look sexy af... lol can you say cocky douche... I sure as fuck can now days!!!!

[xavygonzales]

Movement

So the last month has been crazy prepping for two upcoming surgeries (1 of which is complete) and then prepping a home for sale. Most of which is stressful yes but can be handled with care and determination. Most friends have asked where I will be going from here... and I can honestly say I have no idea not small spark of a plan and most would be completely freaking out but I am calmly and pretty contently moving through the process while still being unsure of that next step. No this does not mean I will leave CO it’s my home and I have determination to make it work for me one way or another.

But my second surgery my (top surgery) what I have been waiting for... for well most my life to some extent is gonna happen and it might make this harder but you know what I will be one step closer to the man I’ve always been but more closely wanna resemble (imma be stealthy as fuck bitches lmao) as if I’m not already... but that will be upon me here soon and although it could make the shift harder i just believe it’s one more building block in 2018 placing me in the proper direction for my lifelong goals...

So there no one has to ask again I don’t fucking have a plan and I am ok with taking it one day at a time!!! Thank you all for the love, well wishes and support through these months with recovery and movement!

[xavygonzales]