hanging clouds

[ellisxhall]

It took all of Ellis's might to not respond with a dopey 'huh?' when she mentioned the plaid. Once she clarified, though, it was hard to drive his attention anywhere but towards her and her words. "They were? Interesting. Didn't know you were checking me out that hard, Cat," he flashed her a tiny smirk, letting it fade once she realized the moment wasn't fully over. He couldn't help but shrug as a response. "You know now. Plus, I think if you did know then, things might've been a lot different. Like, would I have been proposing to you in some icy puddle? Maybe, but also maybe not. It was a different version of us back then. Even with all the fucked up shit, I don't know we'd be here without it. I mean, I feel like I'd still want all of this to be with you, but I don't know if the road would've taken us where we needed to go, if that makes sense and isn't too cheesy."

Ellis found himself chuckling at the revelation that they did, in fact, start as just roommates. He pressed his lips together, fighting his inner intrusive thoughts from letting him quote 'oh my God, they were roommates' out loud. The last thing on his mind that first day was some form of romance with Catalina Silva, the girl who managed to get him kicked out of class on the regular in high school. It was funny how things like that just worked out on their own. The laughter settled into something else as he listened further. "Thank me?" he asked, as if the idea was beyond him. "You're the one who said yes to this goof, I think I should be the one thanking you. Like..." he trailed off, not wanting to get too sentimental but knowing if there was an appropriate time for it, it was now. "I had a very weird idea of what it meant to love someone before you came along. You weren't what I expected, but you were and are exactly what I needed." He paused on the sidewalk, arms winding around her waist to bring her in closer. "I wouldn't have it any other way. You changed my life, too. I'm still a big old doofus, but I'm now one with an incredible fiancée. Pretty lucky, if I do say so myself."

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

"You didn't?" Cat tilted her head, the picture of innocence, though she was smirking as she said it. "'cause I check you out quite a bit, you know. I just don't think you notice." As much as she was teasing him, there was a grain of truth to what she was saying. She liked looking at Ellis, but didn't think he'd noticed that particular hobby. "Yeah. I know now." She didn't want to repeat the same conversation, but now she was on the other end of it, she had a renewed appreciation for Ellis' point of view. It wasn't easy to look back and realise you'd behaved like an idiot, or missed the very obvious flashing signs. She was glad that they'd gotten through all of that.

There was a look on Ellis' face that said he was desperate to say something. Maybe a Shrek quote, maybe a Vine, but either way, he was holding something in. Cat was in a good enough mood that she almost told him to say it, and was preparing to roll her eyes about it, but the way he reacted to the idea of her thanking him took her aback. "You do remember how fucked up my view on relationships was before we got together? If you thought your ideas on love were weird, mine were completely twisted." He'd met her family, had seen enough of where she had come from to get the gist, but they'd never sat down and properly discussed the fact that before Ellis, Cat hadn't known what it felt like to love and be loved. He was the first and only person she had let close, who had actually cared about her thoughts and feelings, but there was something in her that glowed at the idea that she could do the same for him in even a fraction of the way that he had for her. "I guess we both have each other to thank."

[ellisxhall]

"Well yeah, that's true, but moderately dumb mistakes. Some of my ones before that were, like, ginormous idiot fuck-up mistakes. I wanna level down there, not up." He didn't take her words to heart, at least not the ones meant to be a joke. What he did take to heart, however, was the earnest tone in her voice that followed. Even when she was giving him the bitter truth, it came from a place of caring. Bitter wasn't the exact right word for it, though. She was right about all of it. They'd put each other through both the best and worst of times, but no matter what, the carousel of their lives kept spinning them back to each other. He wasn't sure he believed in fate or whatever all those hippy dippy things were, but he certainly believed in whatever got them to where they were in that moment. A little vibration zinged through his heart when she mentioned not wanting anything about him to change. It was enough to have his arm momentarily squeeze around her tighter. He wasn't sure she'd ever understand how much that meant to him. How much she meant to him.

"My 'a-ha' moment, huh?" he interlaced his fingers with hers. Although he could've faked being deep in thought over it, this one was a no-brainer to him. "Honestly, it was when we first made it official. Not how we got there, but the day of. That night. We'd both finally stopped dancing around it and being stubborn and were actually talking about our feelings and shit. Anyways, we duked it out, and I was about to go take a shower when I stupidly realized we didn't discuss labels or whatever. I ran back and asked if it all that meant you were my girlfriend. I was this giant dork, probably wearing a pair of cartoon boxers, hanging out in your doorway and wondering if I'd actually just made you my girlfriend on Valentine's Day, and uh...it was the way you looked at me during all that. You were going through pairs of PJ's, and it was just like any other night we'd had before as roomies, but the way you smiled at me, Cat..." He squeezed her hand, not sure words could fully capture how much love he had for her and how it'd only grown since then. "It sounds silly, but that was the moment where I hoped that even my dumbest antics would have you looking at me like that forever."

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

Cat stayed silent as he explained the moment. It was partly to let him speak. Ellis was somebody who had a lot to say about most things, and some of the time, she enjoyed letting him ramble. Even when he was talking about things she had less then no interest in, he looked cute when he was being a complete dork, so she didn't always mind. It wasn't that which kept her quiet this time, though. Most of it was the fact that she was completely taken aback by his answer. If hers had taken them on a journey back to a time neither of them particularly wanted to relive, his made her feel a weird sense of guilt and shame. Not for the first time, Cat cringed at the realisation that her way of thinking in their first attempt at a relationship was completely off the mark.

"They were plaid," she pointed out. "Your boxers, I mean. They weren't cartoon. They were plaid." It was a seemingly trivial detail to correct, but there was a method to her madness. She wanted him to know that she remembered the moment clearly, that it mattered to her as much as it did to him. It might not have been her lightbulb moment, but it was still a special one to her nonetheless. "I had no idea that it was like that for you so early on, though. I wish I'd known." It was a bit hypocritical, given not five minutes ago she had been talking about how they shouldn't have regrets, but Cat had never claimed to be fair. "I never thought moving in with you would lead to all this. Getting engaged. God, I didn't even think I was the type of person who'd ever get married to anybody. Being with you has changed my life for the better. I don't even know where to start with thanking you for that."

[ellisxhall]

Ellis nodded his head a bit. He didn't like the flashback journey they were currently on, but he understood it. There wouldn't ever be a good time to talk about the cracks in their past, however at some point, they had to. It was very hard for him to not just burst through with a comment of his own as she spoke. He managed, though, listening to Cat's reasoning with as much attention as possible. It hurt to revisit certain moments, but at the same time, it was weird listening to them. They were still Ellis and Cat, but not that version of them. Those two were still at the root of everything that happened between them. It wasn't them anymore, though, and maybe that was progress.

A flash of a smile was worn when his hand was brought up to Cat's lips. It was a gesture that made a fire feel like it was lit within his ribcage. As much as he just wanted to lean into that and forget everything else, he wouldn't be Ellis if he didn't have some kind of commentary to follow. "I just wish I didn't make so many dumb ass mistakes, you know?" he sighed, the sincere tone coating his every word. "I'm not proud of the things I said or did, but if I said I wish I could go back and change it, it'd change the foundation of everything that got us to this point." He studied her face for a moment before continuing. "So I guess I wouldn't change what was done, but I'd change all the times I hurt you. I don't like knowing I was responsible for any of that, even if you have forgiven me, which I'm very thankful for, just FYI." He found himself wrapping an arm around Cat and pulling her in towards his chest, pressing his lips to her temple. "I think it'd be stupid to assume we won't ever hurt each other again," he muttered, "but not in that way. Not like that. If I even for a split second act like old, douchey Ellis again, I give you permission to break my Shrek cup, okay? Kind of like what you said, I also want to be a better person. You actually give me a reason for doing that."

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

"I thought dumb mistakes were your thing," she knew he wasn't talking about the usual kind of stuff he pulled, like proposing in a puddle, but she couldn't help but poke at him a bit anyway. Stupidity might be his thing, but insults were hers. She felt a little bad for it. His words were so sincere, so earnest, she couldn't help the little stab of guilt in her chest. "I'm kidding," she added, giving his hands a small squeeze. "But I don't want to live my life with what ifs. We hurt each other, and it was over, but we got through it. That's what's important to me. We've more than made up for the time we lost."

It was almost an automatic reaction by now. When he pulled her to him, her arms went around him, her forehead resting on his shoulder. Cat took a moment to just enjoy the feeling, despite the heavy tone of the conversation. It was familiar and comforting and sent a warm rush through her. "Oh, we're going to hurt each other. That's a given. You're going to piss me off, and I'm going to call you names, and you're going to get mad about it. But we'll get through that, too. We've already come back from the worst, right?" If Ellis thought the old version of him was a douche, Cat didn't want to know what he thought of the old version of her. When she looked back on the Cat she was when they first started dating. "The old me would have loved any chance to break the Shrek cup. But no. If it makes you happy, then I won't break the cup even if you turn into a monster." She lifted her head to look at him with a little smile. "You're perfect as you are. No change necessary." She stepped away, holding her hand out for him to take so they could continue their trek home. "Now I'm curious, anyway. What was it for you? What made you realise this was it for you?"

[ellisxhall]

"What, I wasn't...okay, fine, I do want the Crocs, I'm not gonna lie, but that was gonna come up at a later time when you were preferably more intoxicated." When she brought up champagne, he knew it'd be ninety percent for celebration and ten percent for seeing what he could get her to agree to when her inhibitions were lower.

Ellis watched and listened closely, realizing the lighthearted way he brought it up not being matched energy wise. This was much more serious. Her expression and the way she carefully chose her words made that clear. He squeezed her hand automatically, trying to hang on to every word. By nature, Ellis was not a serious person, at least when he didn't have to be. It was just easier to joke around and laugh than actually have to face your feelings and everything that came with that sometimes. The best friend comment had an electric current sensation buzzing in his chest, but it was replaced shortly with her bringing up L.A. and making his heart feel like it was a wringed dish towel. That wasn't a time he liked to think about. Honestly, their break up in general was not fun to relive in any sense. It was enough that he'd actually stopped walking.

"Oh. Wow, that...yeah, that wasn't the answer I expected," he admitted, almost shell-shocked as he was briefly sent back to that time. He took a small step forward, reaching over and cupping the side of her face despite the fact she seemed to want to be looking anywhere but at him in that moment. "I kind of hate that that's the version of me you fell for, cause that guy was a fucking idiot." This was not where he expected their conversation to go. Still, it seemed it was his turn to be vulnerable. "I know there was a lot of good stuff, especially in the beginning, but I can't help thinking about how shitty I was to you, Cat. I had all this baggage that I thought could be cured by being with you. Having you helped, don't get me wrong, but...I let my fears from before you take over and turn me into this person that I'm not, or at least someone I don't want to be. It wasn't fair. I don't know if I ever properly apologized for that." His thumb traced repetitively across her cheek, as if the gentle motion was the only thing keeping him grounded there. "I was miserable without you, too."

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

"I'm never going to be on board with Shrek Crocs, Ellis. You're either going to have to learn to live with that, or get sneaky about wearing them." It wasn't that she was controlling. Most of the time, she was content to let him carry out his shenanigans with his stupid roommate if they made him happy, but that didn't mean she wanted to be seen in public with someone in Shrek footwear.

His expression shifted, and Cat immediately was hit with a feeling of regret. It felt like she had said the wrong thing, sucked all of the jubilant energy out of the night. "I'm sorry," she apologised, immediately backtracking on what she had just said. "I didn't mean to bring it up. I know we don't really talk about that time, and I get it. I don't want to talk about it. It doesn't feel good to talk about. It's just... it was relevant, you know?" Rambling was usually Ellis' domain, something Cat only did when she was exceptionally nervous.

When he called himself an idiot, Cat frowned. "No. I mean, yes, you were, but you weren't the only one. I wasn't a good person back then. I don't really know if I am now, but I'm trying to be a better one. I guess it's working if you want to marry me," she laughed a little, trying to diffuse the weird energy that had sprung up between them. "But, uh, no. I don't think there's any version of you I wouldn't have fallen for. We just weren't in the right place to be together. Not then. But it happened, and it worked out, you know? Being apart made us both realise how special this is." She reached up to gently remove his hand from her face, and grabbed his other one for good measure, holding them tight in her own. "We went through all that to get to where we are now, so as much as I hate that it happened the way it did, it was for the best. We needed to go through it." She offered him a tentative smile. "You don't have to apologise. I forgave you a long time ago. An apology is more than words, you know? Words don't mean anything without the action to back them. You've more than made it up to me with everything you've ever done for me since that day." She wasn't sure why she did it, but she brought his hands up to her lips, pressing a kiss to the back of each of them. "Well, we don't have to be miserable anymore. I haven't been in a long time and that's because of you."

[ellisxhall]

"Well...you probably could have," he admitted, knowing that of the billion things that Cat was better at than him, planning was definitely high up there. "It actually would've been pretty hot if you proposed. However, I beat you to the punch there, so ha, sucker." He had a giant, goofy smile plastered to his face, one that was likely to remain stuck there for a while. Ellis didn't even think he was the marrying kind or that it was even an option until his feelings for Cat came barging in like a hurricane and punching down every belief he'd had about love. He wouldn't have had it any other way.

"Have I ever taken on a challenge I didn't think I was ready for? Don't answer that," he realized, a little too quick, that there was a laundry list of stupid situations he'd willingly put himself in in the past. Cat was a witness to around ninety percent of them. "This is different. Very different. Like, you're not a score or something I want to accomplish. I just know my life would be really sad and boring without you, so yeah, I'd very much like to be stuck with you." With one more kiss, this one against her temple, he let her have the last word and laced their fingers together as they strolled down the street. He hoped asking for a heart shaped pizza wouldn't be vetoed.

***

"Alright, so, I have an important question I have to ask now that we're, y'know, going to eventually be married or whatever," Ellis started rambling. He was being his usual dumb self but with the added perk of having lovey-dovey mode activated, from being around Cat and the pizza he'd devoured. Both things added up to him feeling the need to have a running commentary going between them on the walk back. "When was the moment that you realized that I was it for you? Like, what did I do or say? This is the type of thing that usually comes up in vows, but I really don't wanna wait that long to find out."

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

The Christmas lights were long behind them, but Cat was still basking in the glow of all that had happened. There was a warm fuzzy sensation in her chest that she couldn't remember ever feeling to that degree before, and it only grew stronger every time she caught a glance of both Ellis and the rock on her finger. It had been the perfect night, one she was sure she'd never forget and never want to.

"If it's about the Shrek Crocs, I don't want to hear it. Just don't wear them around me." She was teasing him, but since she had heard about them, she'd been waking up in a cold sweat at night thinking about them. When he finally did ask his question, though, she wished he had been asking about the Crocs. Her face fell a little, her cheeks going a little redder. "Uh-huh." She cleared her throat. She debated trying to bat away the subject by making a joke, telling him she hadn't realised, he was just the first person to propose. She didn't think he'd appreciate that though, so she answered truthfully. "To be honest, it's not... something to put in the vows, anyway. Not the way it happened for me, at least."

She took a deep breath. It felt like she needed to tread carefully. Things had been good between them for a long time, but it still felt like a sensitive subject when they treaded old ground and went back to past hurts. "It wasn't like there was a big lightbulb moment for me. I mean, when I first started having feelings for you, they kind of crept up on me. It was lots of little things. You were - you are - the best friend I ever had. Even before anything ever happened between us, you cared about me so much more than anybody I've ever known. You made it easy to be myself when that's not always been the easiest thing to do. Then when you kissed me that New Years, it opened my eyes to what I was really feeling."

She squinted a little, her embarrassment palpable. "But I don't think you're asking when I realised I liked you. I think you're asking when I realised I couldn't be without you. And honestly, that only happened when I was trying to live without you. In LA. I was so fucking miserable all the time, and then you showed up, and although it wasn't the nicest of reunions, there was a split second where I forgot to be sad and I was just so happy to see you again. Even after you left, I just couldn't get that feeling out of my head. I knew that nobody else could ever make me feel like that." She was suddenly very interested in the cracks in the sidewalk, gazing down at their feet.

[ellisxhall]

"Well I couldn't really move without ruining the surprise or looking like a doofus, so I just accepted that the puddle needed to be part of it," he chuckled. It truly wouldn't have been a real Ellis plan without some boneheaded thing happening to him. "It's like a proper New York christening, you know?" His smile dropped slightly, eyes wide when she shared that she assumed this whole thing was leading up to her being dumped. "What? Babe," he sympathetically chuckled, peppering her cheek with kisses before pulling her into a tight hug. Although it was sort of funny and explained a lot, all he wanted to do was show that that couldn't be farther from what he wanted with her. "You were not even close with that guess. M'sorry, though. I was so nervous, and didn't want to be too obvious or anything. It was kind of a big deal. In case you haven't noticed, I have the tendency to fuck up important things. I was making sure that didn't happen this time around."

He wasn't sure that the goofy grin on his face had budged since she'd said yes. It remained glued there with each comment. "Now you're really stuck with me." As much as he knew she wasn't the biggest fan of PDA, this wasn't them full on groping each other on the street. It was a very different situation. With that in mind, he felt it was fine to keep the kiss going, his hand moving away from her chin so he could cup the side of her face. He smiled against her lips, her 'I love you's' sending a little electric zing to his heart. "Ditto," he laughed before returning his lips to hers once more. He only stopped once it felt necessary to catch his breath. "So, uh, did you actually want to get pizza, or do you want to keep making out? I'm very happy with either."

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

For his own sake, Cat didn't point out that he easily could have shifted. There was a solid few minutes where she wouldn't have noticed if he started doing the worm, let alone shuffled a little to the right. She didn't have to ponder that thought long, though, soon distracted by the kisses over her face. "Yeah, well, I never said I was the perceptive type," she rested her head on his shoulder as he hugged her. "But you didn't. You didn't break up with me, and you definitely didn't fuck anything up. I don't think I could have planned this better myself." From Cat, that was high praise. It was rare she didn't have a critique in the back of her mind.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," she pulled away a little to look at him, her expression of delight having settled into a gentle smile of bliss. "Besides, if I'm stuck with you, that means you're stuck with me. Think you're up for it." Kissing him had never gotten old, but despite being an actress, Cat preferred to keep things between them a little more private than this. She pulled away, taking his hand in hers as she did. "Lets get some pizza. And champagne. We can make out some more when we get home."

[ellisxhall]

There'd been a handful of times that Ellis had had to witness Cat crying, except now, this was a time where it made his heart feel like it was about to burst from his chest rather than fall limp at his feet. It was certainly not the reaction he expected from her. He wasn't about to question it or complain or anything, though. He was certainly not about to complain with what followed from her side, too.

He found himself nodding along when she spoke, especially when she expressed hoping that she hoped he knew how she felt. That was the beautiful thing; at that point, he did know. It didn't mean that life together was going to be perfect 24/7, but the way they felt and where they were at that point in their relationship was enough to get through the rocky times. The heart-bursting feeling shifted into something else. He wasn't sure how to describe it, other than warmth similar to taking a strong alcohol shot. It was enough that he could feel himself starting to get misty-eyed.

"Finally," he chuckled, somehow managing to retrieve the ring with a jittery hand and slide it along her finger. The empty box was shoved back into his pocket before getting up to his feet. "You almost had me getting all emotional there," he pointed out in an attempt to distract from the fact that he was just as close to crying as her. "I'm really glad you said yes, though. This'd be an awkward walk home if you didn't, plus I'd feel even more stupid for kneeling in a puddle the whole time." Jokes aside, he took a step closer. One hand was used to tilt her chin up slightly as he used his other hand to catch any missed tears with his thumb. "God, look at you," he grinned. He wanted to remember her like this, glossy eyes and Christmas coloured lights reflecting in them, for the rest of his life. "You're just...you're everything, Cat. I can't fucking wait to marry you." He'd been holding back long enough, so he leaned in and kissed her like he'd wanted to do all night.

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

There was no part of Cat that could say their relationship had been easy. At least, their start hadn't been the smoothest of rides. Their early days had been pockmarked by so many problems that it was a miracle that they had managed to work through them, but against all odds, they had. If she thought about it, their whole thing was defying probability. At first glance, they probably didn't make a whole lot of sense to outsiders as a pair, but somehow, they'd made it work. Somehow, they'd got here.

"Why did you kneel in a puddle?" she asked, tearing her eyes away from the ring on her finger and glancing down and confirming that he had in fact done just that, judging by the wet stain on his knee. "The whole sidewalk and you choose to propose in a puddle?" She was teasing more than anything. Without those little things, it wouldn't be Ellis. "If you want to talk about stupid, I think I have you beat, though. I thought you were about to break up with me. You scared the shit out of me." It seemed funny now, thinking that five minutes ago she had been bracing herself for the worst and not even considering the best possible scenario until it happened. "I'm glad you asked. Even if I can't believe it."

As he moved in, her arms went around him, pulling him closer to her. "We're actually getting married." It still hadn't quite sunk in, but maybe if she said it enough times, it would start to. Cat tilted her chin up to meet him halfway, kissing him back. She couldn't remember a time where life had felt so magical. "I love you," she said again, mumbling the words against his lips.

[ellisxhall]

He wasn't sure how long he'd been on the ground for. It was almost long enough that the jitters got to him, but then Cat's bunny ears comment had him glancing up with a smirk and he waited while she processed what was going on. "Really really," he said with a goofy smile, feeling like he was safe to toss in a Shrek quote without getting pummeled for it in that moment. "I normally don't need help with my shoes, but, uh," he nodded towards his grip on the box, "this hand is kinda busy, so you see my dilemma."

He knew the time for joking was temporarily over, a more serious expression washing across his face. "I wanted to have some super heartfelt thing all prepared and memorized to say to you during this, but I suck at that, and I don't want how I feel to seem forced or fake or whatever, so if this turns into a stupid ramble, just...shut me up, okay?" With a tiny nod and a deep breath, he said what'd been on his mind for the entire walk there.

"Cat, you're one of the most unreal people I've ever met. You've been there for me in so many of my best and worst moments. I don't really remember what my life was like before you took this huge part in it, and honestly, I don't want to know any life without you in it with me. I've made so many stupid mistakes, and there are so many do-overs I wish I had, but never with choosing you. You're not one of those mistakes. You're probably the best choice I've made in my whole life. I'm not an expert on love by any means, but what I do know is that I love you, Cat. I've said it a million times before because I talk way too much, but I need you to know that I mean it with every single part of me. I love you like I love silly collectible trinkets and glow sticks and vintage bed sheets because like those dumb examples, you make me happy. More importantly, though, I love you because there's no one else in the world who sees me and accepts me for all that I am the way you do, and I can never thank you enough for that."

At that point, he had to pause as his throat threatened to close up on him with emotion. He took a second to shake it off before continuing.

"So, uh, I realized that if I feel this way, you should know it, and not just today." With a slightly shaky hand, he opened the box to finally reveal the ring. "Catalina Lucia Silva, I think it'd be really awesome to do old people shit together, and all the other amazing and messy life things before that stage, too, so...would you marry me so we can get a head start on all that?"

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

Even if Cat had noticed the sneak attack in the form of a Shrek quote, she wouldn’t have commented on it. Not here, not now. She didn’t, though, and while that was probably for the best, it was likely nothing could ruin this moment besides a monumental, but not entirely out of character fuck-up from Ellis. “Oh my God,” she repeated, her eyes flicking between his and the box in his hand. 

For most of her life, Cat hadn’t seen herself as somebody who could be loved. She had kept so many people at arm’s length, because she was afraid to let them any closer. Against all sense of logic, though, Ellis had found his way through. She had spent every day with him glad that he did, but nevermore so than right now. She had never imagined what it would be like to be loved so much until he had shown her, and she had definitely never pictured a proposal. She couldn’t have known how stupidly, deliriously happy it would make her. 

She listened quietly as he spoke, wanting to remember every word he said so she could replay this over and over. That might have been a little weird, but nothing about their relationship had ever been quite normal. It had been a long, and at times painful, road to get here, but it had been more than worth it to get to where they were now. She’d do it all again, though hopefully she wouldn’t have to. The more he spoke, the bigger her smile grew. It didn’t entirely make sense, but her eyes started to well up, too. Cat had never really understood what it meant to happy-cry, but as the tears started rolling down her cheeks, it suddenly made sense to her. 

The box opened, and if Cat thought she couldn’t be happier, she was wrong. The rock glittering up at her under the Christmas lights was the cherry on top. It was beautiful, almost exactly what she would have picked for herself. She almost wanted to snatch it off him to get it on her finger as quickly as possible, but restrained herself from doing so. 

“I love you,” she said, speaking only when he had finished and asked the big question. “You know I love you. Or at least, I hope you know. And I know that being with me can’t be the easiest thing in the world. But there’s nobody who understands me like you do. That means something to me. There’s nobody else I would even want to love me but you.” She didn’t know if she was making sense. Like Ellis, she was saying the first thing that came to her mind. Belatedly, she realised she hadn’t given him his answer. 

“Yes. Yes. I will.” 

[ellisxhall]

"You're very sweet, but I'll spare you this time. I already have the image in my mind of the both of us toppling over. I'd rather just take the causality and keep you safe," he replied with a small smirk. On any other day, he would've taken up any offer to touch her, but he knew he was already struggling to walk, let alone think straight. There was no way gripping on to her would end in anything but disaster, so he'd save that for after the got the deed done.

If he wasn't nervous before, Cat's tone made his anxiety levels spike up even more. He wasn't deaf, so he immediately noticed how her voice sounded and confirmed with a quick glance towards her face that, yep, the expression she wore wasn't a happy one. Fuck. Maybe he should've started acting like this weeks ago so that she didn't suspect anything abnormal. It was too late at that point, though. He didn't know what she was thinking but didn't need to be a genius to know it wasn't good thoughts. With a sigh, he tried to channel some inner Meryl Streep so things didn't get blown to shit before he could even fully execute his plan. He tried to appear deep in thought, filling the silence with some hmm-ing and hah-ing until they were close enough so that a canopy of lights appeared overhead. "I'm feeling pizza, it's always better leftovers wise. Not hating on my girl, spaghetti, it's just not the same. It loses some of its pizzazz when it's in a take-out container and not a giant restaurant bowl. Ooh, one sec, gotta get my shoelace," he nodded towards his boot. It wasn't actually even close to being undone, but he tried to play it off as if that were the case. There was no other reason for him to be down on a knee.

He thought the plan would be fool proof, but he'd forgotten that fool was a trait he'd inherited long ago. He let out a weird hiss of a breath once his bended leg conveniently landed in a shallow puddle. It was too late for him to move at that point without looking even weirder, so he embraced the soggy surprise and fiddled with his lace for a good minute or so. "Alright, looks good...but uh, while I'm down here, might as well get this, too," he said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible while digging into his pocket, fetching the small, turquoise box and holding it out in his hand, waiting for Cat to notice.

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

Cat had gotten better over the years at not assuming the worst, but she was to her core a pessimist. As much as she was trying to take him at face value, it was difficult. The weird vibe seemed to lift a bit, but when she was already thinking the worst, it felt a little like a rejection to be turned down. Jaw set, she nodded her head. She was suddenly very aware of the way her arms were just dangling there, so she shoved her hands in her pockets. 

Her mind was running a mil a minute, overanalysing his every word. The fact he was thinking about leftovers would be a positive sign, but then again, he could just as easily be talking about sharing with his roommate rather than Cat herself. “I haven’t had pizza in forever,” she mused, trying desperately to cling to something normal and push away whatever tension was setting in. “So that’s fine. We’re a bit spoiled for choice when it comes to restaurants, though.” As he knelt, she couldn’t help but glance up at the lights around them. It was a beautiful sight, so for a moment, it was easy to forget what was going on and simply enjoy them. She zoned out for a minute, but when she came back to earth, Ellis was still on the ground. “Jesus, Ellis, did nobody teach you how to tie your shoes? You have to make bunny ears-” 

Her sentence cut off when she finally looked at him. Suddenly, everything clicked into place. The weirdness that had been radiating from him, why he had been on his knee for so long. For a moment, Cat could do nothing but stare at him. Her heart was pounding so loudly that she could physically hear it. “Oh my God,” she finally managed to choke out. “I - is this really happening?”

[ellisxhall]

There was a part of Ellis that wished it were cold enough that he needed to cover his face with a thick scarf. At least with that, he'd be able to obscure each wince or bug-eyed expression that came up when he realized every single off thing he'd said was immediately being picked up on Cat's radar. He didn't have anywhere to hide, and it turned out that he couldn't act to save his life. "Y-yeah, right, although in my defense, when it's my job, I have proper skates on and no element of surprise...well, unless some toothless Russian or Canadian dude rams into me, which has happened a couple times. Still, nothing in comparison to sneak attacks from the weather."

He wasn't sure how his expression read when Cat asked what he'd expected to come out a few blocks sooner. If he had a cover, it would've been mostly blown at that point. "Me? Weird? Naaahhh. I mean, naturally, yes, I'm weird, but I, ah, just have some stuff on my mind. No biggie, though. Totally a-okay." He could practically hear Oliver's voice in his head telling him to get it together, along with James's asking about bringing home pizza. The mini angel and devil versions of them on his shoulder seemingly poofed away once the famous Little Italy sign appeared in his sights, along with special Christmas lights hanging from street lamps and in between buildings. Almost there. "And speaking of magical lights, would you look at that. Pretty neat if I do say so myself. Hey, you hungry? Wanna see if there's any good take out?"

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

It had taken her a long time to get there, but Cat had gotten used to Ellis’ energy. He always projected a slight air of chaos, but the vibe he was giving her now wasn’t that. There was something almost twitchy about the way he was acting now, and that was enough to set her on edge. That didn’t help things, only serving to make her hyper-aware of each micro expression on his face. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what was wrong, only that something was. “Well, since I don’t see any angry hockey players hanging around, do you want to hang on to me? My balance is pretty good. Years of high heels will do that to you.” 

She’d been trying to ignore the unsettling tension, but his denial that he was behaving out of the ordinary seemed to flip a switch in her brain. No matter what he said, she could tell things weren’t normal, and his refusal to tell her what wasn’t a good sign. He’s breaking up with you, the nasty voice at the back of her head, the one that sounded way too much like her mother, piped up. She’d gotten better over the years at ignoring that voice, but she couldn’t stop herself believing it this time. It all made sense - their first breakup had gone so catastrophically, he must have thought bringing her out in public to do it would lessen the pushback. Cat glanced away, towards the lights he was pointing out. They were gorgeous, but she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy them. “Lovely,” she responded, her tone flat. It was taking all her self control not to hyperventilate right now, but somehow, she was managing to keep it together. “Sure.” At least if she had takeout, she could drown her sorrows in carbs later. “Did you want to get pizza or spaghetti?” 

[ellisxhall]

Ellis always had the presence similar to a kid that'd chugged countless Pixie Sticks and was jolted from the sugar rush. His shaky demeanor wasn't from his normal antics, though. The stakes were much bigger than what he was normally dealing with. His thoughts should've been focused on enjoying his nice, wintry evening walk with Catalina, but he couldn't stop them from bouncing between protecting the delicate box in his coat pocket to making sure he didn't trip over a dog leash and acting as normal as possible so that Cat didn't have any clue as to what was going to happen. Amidst all the chaos in his brain, he knew he needed to say something. His quietness alone was likely setting off alarm bells.

"So, uh...nice weather, huh?" he blurted out with a weird smile. The fact that a lot of the snow was ashy and dusted with dirt from traffic didn't coincide with it being nice. He was clearly struggling. Ellis had gone most of his life in the most unserious way, and this was one time where he couldn't joke around about what he had planned, nor did he want to. His tone didn't have the normal humorous je ne ce quoi to it, so as he chattered on, it was still him but without the regular Ellis kick to it. "Something about, uh, little frozen patches on the side walk and nearly slipping more times than I can count...so great. Chef's kiss type of experience. At least the lights look nice, though." @xcatalinaxsilvax

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

Cat couldn’t quite put her finger on why the vibe was slightly off with Ellis, only that it was. Ellis could be erratic, to put it lightly, but she’d gotten pretty adept at handling his restless energy over the years. There was something different, though. He was quiet, and if she hadn’t already noticed the subtle shift in energy, that would have been her first clue that there was something going on. She wracked her brains, trying to think of anything she could have done to make things weird. Granted, she had gotten a little too drunk at Christmas, but he had been fine in the days immediately after. Whatever was going on, her wine consumption wasn’t the reason for it. 

“The weather?” She raised one eyebrow, nose wrinkling a little bit. A part of her wanted to demand that he skip the small talk and get straight to the point. She didn’t, though. “I guess if you’re really into grey sludge. Then yeah, it’s nice. Though I’m a little concerned for your career if a few ice patches on the sidewalk start taking you down.” The festive cheer still clung to the city, the holiday decorations not yet taken down, so she nodded. “Yeah. Funny how a few fairy lights make everything seem a bit more magical.” She was trying, she really was, but there was something too unsettling about his behaviour. She couldn’t keep quiet about it any more. “Are you okay? You’re being weird.”

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

ellisxhall​:

“Uh, alright, sure,” Ellis replied, the grin on his face showing the sense of surprise but happiness towards her suggestions. He wasn’t sure sober Cat would be so keen on wading her way through the nightmare that was him and James’s apartment, but he didn’t want to bash the idea down if she was the one suggesting it. “That’d be a little weird if he did, I’d have to beat him up or something. We probably have spares toothbrushes somewhere, though, probably buried under a mountain of soap and other bathroom shit. I always keep those freebies they give you after dentist appointments. It’s like when you were a kid and you’d get a prize and all that…except not as exciting, obviously. Being an adult kind of sucks. I’d take stickers over floss any day.” 

His brows raised as he studied her face. “Okay, babe, you’re right. You’re not that drunk,” he replied, but his expression showed that he definitely thought otherwise. Ellis opened his mouth, prepared to give her something sarcastic in response but then thinking wiser of it. He wasn’t sure if they were at a level where that was comfortable yet. He was originally going to say ‘absolutely not’ and make a faux scene where he’d jokingly ask the driver to pull over. That wasn’t something he predicted going over well, though, so instead, he nodded and ran a thumb over the top of her hand. “Yeah, of course.” He waved his free hand, letting out a ‘pssshhh’ as if the suggestion of being too tired was silly. “I’m a 24/7 entertainment machine, baby, there’s no such thing.” He grabbed a handful of dollar bills, passing them towards the taxi driver when her words had him pausing again, now smirking as he looked towards her. “No? Is that a challenge? You gonna be a bad girl while Santa is kicking his feet up and enjoying the fact he’s not scarfing down a shit ton of cookies for the rest of the year?” he chuckled lightly, holding up a finger to motion for her to wait as he swung his own door open. He quickly shuffled over to her side of the car before yanking at the outside handle and offering his hand. “Shall we?”

,

Cat raised an eyebrow, a smirk appearing on her face. “I mean, it’s clearly something you’re into. We can make it happen.” She shrugged. “Should I be Santa, or you? Because if you want to be, I can always be the present under the tree. I think I have some leftover bows from gift-wrapping I could wear.” Everytime she is with Ellis, it never escapes her notice how different she is. In exactly zero of her previous relationships had she been able to comfortably joke about lying under the Christmas tree wearing nothing but a bow, but he brought out an entirely different side of her. She liked who she was when she was with him, and for somebody who had never really liked herself, that was huge. “I’ve never owned a lava lamp. I’m more of an LED mirror kind of girl, I think. I don’t think lava lamps would match my apartment - but I guess now I know what I’m getting you next year.” Not that Ellis needed any new additions to his collection - still, it was a peace of information she tucked carefully away. 

“It’s not really the right vibe for an omelette,” she admitted. “Maybe for breakfast? Seeing as we’re doing the sleepover thing.” Since they had gotten back together, they had been taking it slow, but this felt so natural that she had no reservations. When he produced the bottle of wine, Cat let out a quiet cheer. “A Christmas miracle. I’ll pass on the chocolate, though. I don’t want to break my teeth or anything like that. It might ruin the moment a bit.” She shuffled over on the couch to make room for him, and took the glasses with a grateful smile. She put the water down on the coffee table almost immediately, but kept hold of the wine, taking a small sip. “This is perfect,” she sighed, not just talking about the wine. “I guess that depends on what movie you pick. If it’s boring, then Netflix and chill sounds like a way better option.”

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

ellisxhall​:

“Sounds good…I mean, unless you wanna be one of those couples that shares a toothbrush, cause if that’s the case, mine is ripe for the taking,” he smirked, knowing fully well what her answer to that would be but pushing the idea anyways. “No? I get a little bag of fun stuff…and by fun stuff, I mean, like, a travel sized tube of toothpaste and floss. It might be fun if you’re a dental hygiene enthusiast, which I’m not…which isn’t to say I don’t use that stuff cause I do, I just don’t get hot and bothered by the dentist. No judgement to those who do, though.” Anyone else would likely be urging to Ellis to shut up way before that point, but Cat was so used to his idiocy that he just let the words flow without much thought to her reaction. Considering the last real, deep conversation they’d had, it was going to take a lot more than going on too long about teeth brushing to drive her away.

“Okaaay. Then I’m happy that you’re happy,” he replied with a cheeky grin on his lips. As much as that was a tease at her expense, his words were genuine. They were finally at a place where things weren’t blurry or confusing. After all the bullshit, this was probably the steadiest ground they’d been on, and it was nice. There was a point where he wasn’t sure they’d be able to make it to feeling like this, but he’d obviously proven himself wrong. It seemed that they’d somehow beaten the odds. The fact she wasn’t shoving him out of the cab and leaving at the Santa talk showed that. “Sorry. I don’t know what it is about Santa,” he shook his head, recalling his weird sexy talk from Julian’s wedding that also involved the poor guy. “It just sparks some primal form of inspiration in me, I guess. Muse Nicholas.”

His jaw dropped, his free hand pressed to his own chest in mock offense. “How dare you, I’m as chivalrous as they come,” he replied, but the smile leaking through showed his true feelings. It was a short trip up to the apartment, and when he opened the door, the space was illuminated in a multi-colored glow. “Voila! Oliver never appreciated the lights, but I think they’re festive. Maybe not as festive when I have them in strobe light mode and it’s May, but still,” he stated. “So feel free to make yourself comfortable. Want another drink or something? We’ve got water, or um…water? Also strangely enough, I think we have chocolate liquer buried somewhere in the cupboards if you want that in something or just straight up or whatever.”

“I love you, but that sounds disgusting. Worst comes to worst, I’ll take yours and you can share with your roomie,” she was joking, but her delivery was so deadpan that only somebody who knew her as well as Ellis did would be able to tell. “That doesn’t sound very fun, to be honest. Freebies are great, but mini toothpaste definitely isn’t that exciting.” A few years ago, she probably would have found this whole conversation irritating, but right now, she was more endeared than anything else. It was crazy how things change. Where they were at right now, his ramblings were completely comforting, a sign that after everything, they were okay, on the right path and in a good place. 

She wasn’t sure how it always ended up going back to Santa Clause, but she was eager to move on. “Maybe we should look at fixing that. It’s not that sexy,” she pointed out. She’d never been in his apartment before, and if she wasn’t so love drunk (and, if she was honest, wine drunk, too), she definitely would have had more than a few critiques to dish out. It wasn’t the time right now, though, nor did she really want to. She didn’t have to live here, after all, and she wasn’t about to ruin their good night with her bitchiness. At least the lights were cute. “I don’t know. It kind of fits the day, no? I think the strobes might give me motion sickness, though, so it’s probably best to leave them as they are.” 

She took her coat off, looking around for a spare surface to put it away with her purse. In the end, she settled for hanging them neatly on the back of a chair. “Water and chocolate liqueur? That’s it?” She glanced up, casting her eye around the apartment decor. “I’d have thought somewhere decorated with so many empty bottles would have more to drink, but all right. Water is fine, thanks.” She moved to sit on the couch, perching on the very edge of it while she waited for him. “You can pick the movie, if you want. I’m feeling generous.” 

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

ellisxhall​:

“Uh, alright, sure,” Ellis replied, the grin on his face showing the sense of surprise but happiness towards her suggestions. He wasn’t sure sober Cat would be so keen on wading her way through the nightmare that was him and James’s apartment, but he didn’t want to bash the idea down if she was the one suggesting it. “That’d be a little weird if he did, I’d have to beat him up or something. We probably have spares toothbrushes somewhere, though, probably buried under a mountain of soap and other bathroom shit. I always keep those freebies they give you after dentist appointments. It’s like when you were a kid and you’d get a prize and all that…except not as exciting, obviously. Being an adult kind of sucks. I’d take stickers over floss any day.” 

His brows raised as he studied her face. “Okay, babe, you’re right. You’re not that drunk,” he replied, but his expression showed that he definitely thought otherwise. Ellis opened his mouth, prepared to give her something sarcastic in response but then thinking wiser of it. He wasn’t sure if they were at a level where that was comfortable yet. He was originally going to say ‘absolutely not’ and make a faux scene where he’d jokingly ask the driver to pull over. That wasn’t something he predicted going over well, though, so instead, he nodded and ran a thumb over the top of her hand. “Yeah, of course.” He waved his free hand, letting out a ‘pssshhh’ as if the suggestion of being too tired was silly. “I’m a 24/7 entertainment machine, baby, there’s no such thing.” He grabbed a handful of dollar bills, passing them towards the taxi driver when her words had him pausing again, now smirking as he looked towards her. “No? Is that a challenge? You gonna be a bad girl while Santa is kicking his feet up and enjoying the fact he’s not scarfing down a shit ton of cookies for the rest of the year?” he chuckled lightly, holding up a finger to motion for her to wait as he swung his own door open. He quickly shuffled over to her side of the car before yanking at the outside handle and offering his hand. “Shall we?”

.

“Yeah?” she questioned. He wasn’t exactly showing much enthusiasm with his words, but the fact he was smiling at her said otherwise. She decided to drop the subject for now. Things between them were just starting to get somewhere close to comfortable, and she didn’t want to push it into somewhere awkward, to mess shit up just when things were in a good place. “I guess it would be weird.” She conceded. “As much as I don’t want to take your prize away, I’ll grab one of those spares.” There would be a whole other awkward, embarrassing conversation tomorrow about whether she should toss the brush she used, take it with her, or if they were at the stage where she could keep a toothbrush at him place, but that was a worry for another day. “Not sure my dentist has ever given me any freebies, though. They just try and sell me expensive mouthwash. Maybe I should switch to yours.” 

As if on autopilot, her eyes rolled at his response. Okay, she might have been a little more affectionate, a little looser than usual, but he had definitely seen her in worse states. “I’m not,” she continued with her protests. “I’m just happy.” She went quiet for a moment after getting that out, letting the words hang in the air for a bit. Cat didn’t know the last time she could say those words and mean them, but she did now. There was a peaceful calm settling over her, one that came from the contentment of spending the day with him. It was bizarre, but she liked it, and that was part of the reason she wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. “I’d noticed,” she deadpanned, though there was no malice in her words - not until he went on a tangent about Santa, causing a wince to appear on her face. “Maybe we should ban talk about Santa for tonight. Just in case you get any more ideas about saying shit like that. 

Her hand had already gone to open the door when he stopped her, and she waited for him to make his way around and open it for her, taking his hand when offered and standing up out of the car. “That was very gentlemanly. Didn’t know you had it in you,” she teased, keeping their fingers laced together as they made they way into his building. 

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

ellisxhall​:

* * *

Ellis sighed as the sights of New York passed by out the cab window. Even as the driver headed to New Jersey, the view was still as spectacular as ever. The lights and the snow, everything about the scene outside, had Ellis feeling wistful. He’d always been a Christmas fan for as long as he remembered, and even though his family drove him a little bit nuts sometimes, it was always nice to have that one night for each other. This time, that special Christmas feeling was amplified by Cat being there. Sure, he had moments where he wanted to slam Glen’s face into a wall for the idiotic shit he managed to say or ask his dad to please not give them another O Holy Night rendition. He even considered asking Troy to slow down on the wine refills for Cat, but then he remembered what she was dealing with and thought it was for the best. A Hall family Christmas was an experience, to say the least, but the fact that Cat wasn’t running and screaming out the door put him a bit more at ease. They may have been idiots, but he loved them, and weirdly enough, the holidays were a great reminder of that.

He was shooting a quick text to James to wish him a Happy Christmaskkuh and to not kill the other Garrett’s when Cat’s voice and the loss of the gentle weight on his shoulder had him glancing over. “I think so. Any other day of the year, I’d say no, but he’s pretty close with his family. Like, even when they want to kill each other, they still stick out traditions and all that. So yeah, I think it’s just gonna be me in Ye Olde Shack of Love.” It was when she continued her thought that Ellis blinked, starring at her almost blankly for a moment. “Oh!” he replied, her request finally hitting. “I-I mean, yeah, of course, if you really want to. Not sure if you need another drink, baby,” he chuckled, reaching over and gently cupping the side of her face, “but hey, what the hell? It’s Christmas. Might as well enjoy it. Santa’s not gonna be paying attention to our morals tonight.”

“Good. That’s good.” She cleared her throat. She had only been inside Ellis’ apartment briefly. It was all a little overwhelming for her usually, especially when his roommate was around. Something about him seemed to bring out the worst in Ellis, but he seemed happy, so Cat was content to let it slide. “I mean, I could always stay over. If you’re going to be alone, I might as well, right? I didn’t exactly bring a toothbrush but I’m sure the cab driver who takes me home tomorrow won’t be smelling my breath.” She was chattier than usual, a sign that she had drank more than her fair share, but also far more mellow. That didn’t come from the alcohol, but the fact she was honestly, genuinely happy. It was the first time in her life she could honestly say that. Even when they had been together before, great as it had been, it seemed they had broached some new level of understanding one another. Maybe that was the wine talking, but in that moment, it didn’t really matter. 

“I’m not that drunk, you know,” she protested, though she was still smiling as her hand moved to cover his, holding it in place on the side of her face. It was a blatant lie. She was usually pretty good at holding her alcohol, but Ellis’ brother had kept the refills coming all throughout dinner. He hadn’t needed to. Cat was sure she’d have been perfectly happy stone cold sober, but she had drank everything he handed to her all the same.  “I want to. Do you want me to?” She raised her brow in question. Despite being the one to broach the topic, she felt a little awkward all of a sudden, looking to him for reassurance that it was okay to invite herself over like this. “I don’t mind if you’re too tired for entertaining.” The cab pulled up outside his building, and Cat reluctantly moved away from, resting her hand on the door handle. “We have the rest of the year to make it up to Santa, I guess. One night won’t put coal in your stocking next year.” 

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

ellisxhall​:

Cat’s response came a bit as a surprise. He honestly didn’t know what to expect in the first place, but it wasn’t what came out of her mouth. He sighed once more, feeling a weird mix of relief and irritated. She was listening, but he wasn’t sure she was fully hearing. However, what had him responding softly instead of going for any kind of attack was the fact that she was obviously trying. 

“You’re not, though,” he replied suddenly. “Were you worshiping the ground I walked on and making me feel like I was some stud? No, and thankfully no because that’d be really fucking weird, and that’s not what I want. it’s different with you. It’s always been different. Unlike Rowan, you were actually my friend before all of this happened between us. When you were being not so nice, I knew it wasn’t coming from a place of total cruelty or just for the sake of it. You weren’t purposely making me feel like garbage and then twisting it around on me like it’s my fault. And yeah, sure, there were times where you could’ve been nicer. That doesn’t mean I want you to reinvent this new personality for yourself. There are times where I’ve been a massive clown. What’s the point of us being us if we’re constantly feeling like there are things we have to change? If it’s good change, sure, but massive, personality altering change?” He sighed once more. “I’m not asking you to be someone you’re not, or at least I’m not trying to. I don’t know. I just don’t want us to stop being us. It’s never gonna be exactly like it used to, but we don’t…we don’t have to fake it. That’s not who we are. That’s one, major thing I can attribute to being good about us. I was always me and you were always you when we got together. We’re not the same people from three years ago, but we’re still us.” 

Her next words had him pausing once again. There’s never going to be anybody else. He was usually the talker between them, but for once, he didn’t know what to say. His throat felt drier than he remembered. Maybe it was because his heart was suddenly lodged there. “Yeah?” he asked, nodding a bit. “I mean, yeah. Me too, obviously.” His tone was different, gentler than regular Ellis who was usually on boisterous and over-dramatic autopilot. The sincerity of her words choked him up a bit. He’d never known that before. He didn’t even know how to approach it back. Instead of saying anything, he grabbed for her previously outreached hand, tugging her in closer before caressing the side of her face and kissing her. If he couldn’t find the words, he hoped that action said everything. 

They still had their shit to figure out. That much was clear. Their relationship wasn’t plain sailing,and maybe it never would be. But they were both still stood there, unable and unwilling to throw in the towel. That had to count for something. It mattered. They wanted each other, and more than that, he wanted her as she was. That reassurance meant the world to Cat, and as he spoke, she felt a breath of air that she didn’t know she was holding escape her.  It was a relief, in all honesty. Perhaps this was a conversation they should have had way back when they first got back together, but then again, Cat wasn’t sure she would have listened. The fear of losing him again was still present, but now, the fear of doing so just by being her normal self. The spiky, blunt side of her she had been trying to hard to push back down wouldn’t scare him off. 

“We aren’t too different,” she pointed out. “Your dress sense hasn’t changed much, for example.” A tiny smile appeared on her face, though the slight crinkle of her nose showed her distaste for his outfit clearly. “I guess we just need to get to know each other again, though. The new Ellis and Cat, I mean. It might take us time to figure out what’s okay and where the boundaries lie, but I want to do that with you. I’m all in if you are. I just... I don’t want to be mean. Or I don’t want you to think I am. That’s all, Ellis.” She’d never been a person of many words. For as long as she’d known Ellis, she didn’t think he’d ever been quiet for more than five minutes, but that wasn’t Cat. He brought out a whole other side to her, though, one that could speak more than a few sentences without drawing back. One who could easily talk about her feelings without feeling awkward or embarrassed. That in itself was a miracle. 

There wasn’t any need for speaking now, though. Not when he grabbed her hand to pull her in. Not when he was kissing her. Almost on autopilot, Cat kissed him back, arms going around him. She still clutched the leashes in her hand, could feel them tangling around the two of them as the dogs moved, but she didn’t care. 

***

Christmas was usually a solitary time for Cat. She hadn’t really seen her family in years, never mind spent the holidays together, and even when she had been living under their roof, it had been a sombre affair. A quiet dinner, an unemotional exchanging of gifts, and then they all went their separate ways. She had never really celebrated it before, nor felt any particular excitement about it. It was just another day that meant very little, and she had spent the last few alone without giving it a second thought. 

Today had been different, though. For the first time, Cat had first-hand experience of a real family Christmas. She kind of got what the fuss was about now. She’d never met Ellis’ family before, and had been terrified in the moments leading up to it. She wasn’t sure his mother liked her, but the rest had given her no reason for doubt. They had welcomed her into their home, and, surprisingly, she had liked them. 

She was a little bit tipsy, in the back of the cab taking them home. The plan had been to drop Ellis off first, then have the driver take her back into the city. The closer they got to his apartment, though, the less Cat wanted to leave him. They hadn’t really gotten to the stage where overnight visits were a thing yet, and maybe if she wasn’t a little buzzed, she wouldn’t have broached the subject tonight. 

“Hey,” she spoke to grab his attention, lifting her head from where she had been resting it on his shoulder. “You said your roommate went to his family’s place, right? Do you think he’ll be there all night?” She chewed her lip a bit, unsure if she was making sense. “I mean, if he’s not home, do you mind if I come in with you? We could have another drink and watch a movie or something. Just us for a little while, you know?” 

[xcatalinaxsilvax]

ellisxhall​:

Ellis opened his mouth to respond, likely looking like he belonged in a koi pond as he closed it shut just as quick. If he thought he was going down a spiral, hers was worse. He was sure that he didn’t need to say too much in response to being asked if he liked her, his expression saying it for him. His brows knit together, eyes practically bugging out of his face as if someone came up and told him they’d banged his mom behind the park bench in broad daylight. “Do I even like you? Cat, what…” He shook his head quickly and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers before letting his arms fall back down to his side. “Catalina. I didn’t leave Troy’s place for like, three weeks after we broke up. I flew all the way to L.A. to try and get you back. I went to La Expensivo or whatever that restaurant was called and stayed there to be with you. I’m not even going to start up a dumb argument right now because we both know what the answer to that question is. The fact you had to ask it though…that tells me it’s not me you need an answer from.”

He let out a heavy sigh, shoulders lifting and dropping in a shrug. “And look, yeah, I know I hurt you a lot. You also really hurt me in moments where we were both vulnerable as fuck, and it sucks. We’ve both done and said shitty things. I guess I…I don’t know how to explain it well. I don’t want you to fake it or pretend to be something you’re not because that’s not the person who I asked to be my girlfriend, but…I guess I also want you to realize that before you, all I’ve ever known from relationships was being put down and made to feel like garbage on purpose. For like, four years, I was sharing a girlfriend with one of my buddies, one who’d never fully commit and made me feel like I was the crazy one for getting upset about being lead on.” Ellis’s voice hitched in his throat, realizing that’s something he’d never actually dared to tell Cat until this moment. He wasn’t sure anyone aside from his brothers knew the whole story of that time in his life. “A big part of that is why I reacted so badly to you not saying you loved me back right away and you not thinking we were that serious before our real split. It sent me right back to that place, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was trying to protect myself the only way I knew how, and obviously it just made things worse for us. I’m sorry if I’m confusing you. I think I just want to be sure that when I’m acting like a fucking idiot, even if you’re calling me out on it, you’re not going to abandon ship, cause I really don’t think I could deal with that again.”

“That’s not...” Cat broke off when he began listing everything they had been through over the last year. It still felt too raw to really talk about, even though they had agreed to put it behind them. Maybe one day, she would be able to talk with him about it properly, but it wasn’t now. “Ellis, stop. All those things you just said, you did because you love me. I get that. I don’t doubt it for a second. But that isn’t what I’m asking. I’m asking if you like me. As a person.” She didn’t know if she was the type of person anybody really liked. She’d always been a bit of a loner, and she liked it that way. Or at least she had, until she had gotten closer to Ellis. She’d never particularly cared about being liked or not, but with him, it was different. Maybe it was because she was the only one she had ever really let in. He knew her better than anybody, and if he didn’t like her, it mattered. 

“I know that. I know that I hurt you. And I know that I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to make the same mistakes.” She wanted to protest some more, to make him see her side, but as she listened to him talk, she knew shutting up was the right thing to do. She knew Rowan had fucked him up. That was part of the reason that she bristled at the thought of her, knowing just what he had meant to her. What she didn’t realise was how deeply he was still hurting from it. That much was obvious from the way his voice changed as he spoke. She wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about that - jealous and insecure and small, for one, but also desperate to reassure him, to let him know that she was here, she was with him and she wasn’t going anywhere. “Ellis, that’s exactly why I don’t want to be like that anymore. I don’t want to be the reason you feel shitty. I don’t want to give you any reason to doubt that I’m all in with this.” It had been hard to talk so openly with him once, but that fear was gone now, because of him. “I’m here with you. I’m staying here with you. Don’t you know that? This is it for me. There’s never going to be anybody else. I’m not about to drop all of that and walk away.”