Colly

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[xcollyx-blog]

end of year

(2018)

I wanted to write a little note before the year ends. 

I think I just have no plans this coming year to make another Colly album. And honestly when I look my bandcamp I’m pretty satisfied with the body of work there that kind of pulls together a few different stories about my time in college and living in New York, so I’m not sure what else I would want to add there. 

Wish/hope/pray for me that I learn to write again because it’s been over a year I think, and it seems to me that getting older is getting me to talk more and write less. I hope you only hear my best work, and you’ll probably find it under a new name.

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I see your broken heart and I want it 

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I still don’t feel like a legit musician because I’m not that advanced in my instrumentation--like my songwriting is getting better, but I am still a pretty novice musician. 

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a note on No puedo morir.

​“No puedo morir” is about the hope for intimacy. It actually follows some themes of stuff I’ve written about before Colly, where I found a lot of ironic comfort in unrequited love because the relief of pressure, anxiety, and fear, which mostly goes away as soon as you give wanting to be with someone in particular. Actually a lot of my writing in general expresses a certain and constant sense of longing, which is sometimes dissatisfying and sometimes hopeful. I think part of the problem that I haven’t been able to work through yet is the romanticization of intimacy as well as the expectations—and pressure—that I put onto intimacy and, consequently, my loved ones. It’s very difficult to let go and re-align to reality without getting jaded. It’s key to maturity though. There’s no moment of rejection or pursuit in the album; it’s mostly contemplative. I think I’ve always been a little afraid of pursuing relationships in an acquisitional way, and a lot of times I find desire itself to be impure and selfish—but I don’t really think that that’s descriptive of reality. I didn’t give the album a moment of relief either, unfortunately. So lyrically it ended on a note of fear. In 2014 I wrote that album ‘Fraidy Cat before Colly was a thing and it had a similar ending—that it was my fault for my longing, because I didn’t pursue what I wanted out of cowardice. In a way it feels like a sequel to that album (a writelikeness thing). I don’t know if I feel that way anymore because a part of me knows that I’m still just working through my own things and you don’t always get what you want when you want it. Maybe it just ends with saying “I know I know I know” and it doesn’t really do anything about that knowledge. And I don’t really know what to do. It’s the same with our political and cultural moment; we know there’s a problem but we don’t know how to fix it—both internally and externally, things seem infinitely complex. I think the only challenge or decision from the album and it’s narrative is that it calls for patience. Which is not a very appealing political opinion—but it’s necessary, and difficult, because it’s very dissatisfying to know that you can’t take shortcuts or use the quick fixes. Maturity is very much a slow process and it takes diligence too. I find myself looking for shortcuts to maturity, and to be honest, I even use music as a shortcut to a feeling of intimacy as well. It’s never simple. Both creation and consumption can be a little escapist for me. And now entertainment is comfortable writing off art as an escapism, which is a notion that is no longer really being challenged. I'm worried that escapism is a distraction from real patience. Artists will even try to just sneak their ideas into the work and think they can get away with it, merely by being subtle. But what I really think is that art is communal and relational, and what my music often tries to communicate is a sense of comfort. The communicative part is relative and interpretted, but there is also the craft of it, which is experiential—the medium is the message to me, and the experience is the meaning. There is some biblical poetry that refers to creation’s groan, which I think acknowledges that sense of longing and dissatisfaction, but we also know the psalms are of course hopeful and patient for their savior. I don’t know where you find hope—but for me, the comfort is mostly experienced in the inspiration of the creative act, so part of listening to the music is re-experiencing the creation of it. I don’t like to think that listening or waiting or receiving are passive acts. It is even difficult to rest and let go and feel comforted sometimes. All in all I think I hope No puedo morir is comforting to you.

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cd production day 1. https://xcollyx.bandcamp.com/album/no-puedo-morir

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production day 1. gotta sew & do the final cuts next. 

https://xcollyx.bandcamp.com/album/no-puedo-morir

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dug up an old version of "untitled Ii" that I phone from my iPhone memos that I just touched up. Some mistakes in it but it's one of those songs I did live on my keyboard, left hand on chords and right on drum pads while I sang.

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excited to announce the upcoming release of my next album, no puedo morir. 

see my twitter and facebook for more telling details 

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super proud of this project and so happy it turned out the way it did. thank you for my friends who love me. I wish there was more I could give you. thx xInfinity

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concrete jumpers & colly // split volume ii, by Colly

4 track album

to be released

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While Gianni justifies communism through Christianity, I prefer to do it through hermeneutics. Either way, we both think Heidegger’s famous statement “only God can save us” ought to be modified to “only communism can save us.” If salvation is still something we can strive for — and we should — then religion’s emphasis on spirituality ought to be the point of departure for our political discourses. Now that Chávez is gone, but remains as a symbol of progress and resistance, his image can be used as a guiding star or model that is not very different from spirituality. The point is not to idealize models, but to allow models to be idealized, something that we are not always allowed to do.If, as Heidegger said, “the only emergency is the lack of a sense of emergency,” then we must invite everyone to overcome those politicians and philosophers who call for more security, stability, and, most of all, truth.

https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/galfarsoro-zabala/#!

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I released announced the new split ep I’m working on with Sam from concrete jumpers. He’s currently in the process of mixing it. Last night we mixed our own tracks but this time we briefly discussed trying to get it more cohesive--which was the strength of the last split ep we did together--so I’m looking forward to hearing what he’s gonna put together. 

I’m working on the album art too--with the help of another friend--the first time I’ve ever used actual art, as opposed to whatever was on my phone or lying around in photo folders on my laptop. 

what else is going on...

oh this: https://www.google.com/search?q=ontario+faculty+strike

Ontario faculty is on the strike--the one year that I try a canadian writing certificate program--ugh--and I think by Monday it’ll have been three weeks since I last heard from my professor. 

It’s a Friday night and I’m probably going to go to Starbucks after dinner to work on my novel anyway, but it is very discouraging to try to invest in a program and then have the faculty refuse to work the second month of class. I guess this is why it’s important to follow the news--because actually the first thing I thought when I heard about this was that, well, people shouldn’t work if they don’t want to, if they are being treated unfairly. 

But I think what would’ve been fair is to not start the semester at all. I haven’t given this much thought, and actually so far nothing about the strike has bothered me--no strike ever has. I think I am individualistic enough to support that, if you aren’t getting paid fairly nor treated fairly in the workplace--I mean clearly you have the freedom to do this kind of thing and the right to band together and all. 

But I guess I’m realizing--literally as I started writing this--it should still be a conversation, and it’s unfair to me, and the rest of the students attending Humber and the other colleges affected--that we signed up for this year, and they did too. And nobody mentioned these nuances--sure, there was the fine print I ignored, and there always is--the possibility that this might happen. And why did it have to happen at second month of class? 

Maybe this was why the registration process was so difficult--not because I was an international student--but because of these issues in the administration. I don’t know. 

But why did they start the year, and why didn’t the make the decision to strike at a time that would’ve been fair to students? I mean we have calendars. I obviously wouldn’t have signed up for this semester if I knew there was this risk that half of the semester would be worthless to my learning. 

Maybe there is a legitimate answer to the question I’m asking, or the reasoning to why strike have to happen this way. But I don’t know it. 

I didn’t think I would go on about this. but here we are. Anyways, my point is just that this is what’s going on in my life and mind: and the point I’m processing--not what I necessarily stand by--is that sure I support the struggle and the conversation, and it’s odd that the students’ suffering is being used as a weapon against the administration--and I wonder what kinds of options were ignored or rejected that would’ve have so negatively affected students. 

Anyways. I am also individualistic enough to pursue my learning & writing on my own. 

I just finished reading Quiet and now starting a book that was recommended to me that is one of the first times I’m doing a rec read out of courtesy. I usually read what I want, when I want--but I almost don’t even want to read this, yet also it was so kindly recommended to me. I’m reading it for the sake of the relationships. 

oh and watsky show, finally, my chance to see him. And in the best way possible. Ace Hotel, Los Angeles. 

thanks be to God, and may He have mercy on our heavy dirty souls. 

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coming soon!

here’s a link to the first one we did: https://concretejumpers.bandcamp.com/album/dont-tell-our-friends-we-split-this-ep-about-them

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fades pages of a previous draft of America

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moving to long beach

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​I wonder what adventures you’ve been going on these days without me Even though most likely I can prolly safely bet you’re sitting at home Calculate the distance between me and all existence And divide it by my Fitbit daily average cause I wanna know how long that it could be before--well 

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is the wi-fi back?