xel’s journal

chile…. its another blog | blackity black | 24 | thoughts and musings and potential disrespect

[quezify]

favorite reads of 2022: annihilation by jeff vandermeer

"we were neither what we had been nor what we would become once we reached our destination."

[xelsjournal]

absolutely GUTTED that im not getting any king cake this year :(

[xelsjournal]

plot twist, i WILL be going to new orleans in a few weeks for free.99 and the above statement is void. thats on manifestation 😌😤✨

[xelsrealm]

love messages from spirit tarot spread

by @xelsrealm

where is (subject) currently actually at in love energy?

what love energy is coming in to them?

what energy are they putting out to the universe?

messages from spirit for them right now regarding love?

immediate future

the overall plan/larger narrative

messages from spirit and spirit team for (subject) in general

affirmation card/oracle card

[xelsjournal]

absolutely GUTTED that im not getting any king cake this year :(

[xelsjournal]

everyday i physically restrain myself from installing more locs lmaooooooooo is it time????

i rlly wanted to rock my lil baby fro for a while.

or rather i really wanted to dye my hair and put in some box braids.

i kept not tho and now my hair has grown out so the bright blue bald look isnt rlly an option and i do wanna grow it out so........

ugh i think I've been like restricting myself again. if i wanna be a blue baldie, i can do that. and i SHOULD. specifically i should before i grow out my hair and wanna put in locs again. i also want to stop putting shit off for future bolder me. i AM future bolder me. its time to look the part!!!

so should i bleach my hair at its current length and go straight into the electric blue braids i see in my head or do i shave again and then bleach?

ok as much as shaving would b fun its kinda cold and i /do/ wanna put in braids sooner rather than later. so lets just bleach and dye and get this mf show on the road!!! i think imma do my brows too cuz vibes. thrilling. i gotta get bleach dye and braiding hair. i guess tomorrows as good a day as any! yay happy new year!

[xelsrealm]

august 6 2022

im feeling very foreign

to myself.

i don’t know when it happened

but i started feeling

out of sync

out of alignment

out of me.

that scared me

so i clung to the bit and pieces of me that i remembered

the phrases and actions

i could recognize,

the behaviors that felt

familiar to me.

but ive had a growing sense of discomfort.

these things which are so familiar

no longer feel right. and it

makes

me

anxious.

but anxiety is an emotion i

dont feel comfortable in.

so i construct a mental

chamber in which

i tell myself lies,

i tell myself

this

is

who

i

am

don’t doubt yourself

but how do you not doubt yourself when you are changing the very fabric of who you are?

in this chamber,

i not only must convince myself

through a constant stream of lies

and dissociation

dissonance

disconnect

that i am who in say i am,

but i also must project that

claim into the world around me.

i have been posturing,

overcompensating,

overcome with hubris

so i don’t have to confront the idea that

i

dont

know

who

i am

or where

im headed.

ive lost sight of myself

and shamed myself for it,

then painted a mask of my old self

to wear when i feel i need something to

cling to.

how do i let this old version of me die?

how do i allow myself to step into my new self?

- x.s.

[xelsjournal]

december 11 2022 2:12 pm

i think i got it backwards again. like for a while i was laying around like hmmm how to i attract change cuz i feel happy quite frequently and in general am content but im a bit bored. so i decided to switch up everything, my routine, my habits, my intentions, my affirmations, my mindset and see where that would take me. at the very least i can enjoy the voyage and all the newness. and for a while, i had a blast, lots changed, very interesting times, lots of ups and downs. and ive come back to a place of like stability and contentment, but also boredom again and like a looming concern of stagnancy. like im at a start of a long journey and im making my slow and steady progress but im like antsy. but i know that im at the beginning of something in one part of my life and the end of a cycle in another part of my life. i can feel the the dissonance in my joints and i feel restless. i want to rush to somewhere and get there fast, but i know thats not the right way and frankly i cant speed up the pacing of this voyage. i think i just revealed to myself that i need to exercise to relieve the sensation of wanting to expell energy but needing to redirect it. but thats not what this journal was about. anyways back to the topic of change and happiness, i asked myself again recently if i was happy and i said hmmm not really. im not sad, nothings wrongs but im just kinda going about my business, living life. it felt like i was waiting to be happy, like waiting for something to be happy about, for something outside of my to come along and set off a chain reaction that would bring me the ultimate wish fulfillment. so i went all grind mode, gotta-change-up-my-path-so-i-can-change-up-my-life, and i put my happiness somewhere else, somewhere ahead of me in some distant land. and i left and i lived. and i had a fucking blast lmaooo i put my joy in all those exhilarating moments, in those inconveniences, in that sensation of newness. i had been so anticipating it and finally making it happen and deciding to experience it fully and openly, and then having it all play out in such a fun way, so to have it come to what felt like such an abrupt stop and redirection was kind of jarring. i was still committed to enjoying myself until i could get back to somewhere else but then it continued. and continued. and continued some more. and the longer i spend here (realistically im being v dramstic cuz its mostly been these past few days), the more im wondering when tf im gonna go again lmao. cuz like the people im round rn arent making me happy or bringing me peace. if anything 80% of the time theyre feeding my own anger and discontentment. for a while i didnt notice it but since i noticed it like two days ago, every interaction is becoming an obstacle course as i dodge hooks into aggravating conversations or implicit requests for verbal drama dumps. and it has me thinking,,,, do i even wanna be here around these people!?! i think not! cuz why my day gotta be ruined just cuz urs is? but also at the same time im literally here and i cant escape that reality. so do i wait to be happy again? and i kinda subconsciously determined i would have to wait for another voyage to get my happiness back. but i came across a post a few minutes ago that said something about having “to find happiness in the little things all around you” and that had me pause bc damn yeah my life doesnt have to be bleak “until” anything. theres so many things i enjoy, my own company at the top of the list, theres just no reason my happiness needs to only look like one thing of be associated to one thing. i can find my happiness in this very moment. then it had me remembering the law of attraction and how this is kind of a good hack. if i want to be happy and living in excitement, i need to start doing so now. me being happy and exhilarated attracts. more and more opportunities for it to me, so it can open the doors to the joy im seeking by experiencing it in the now. this us a word salad and idc.

[blackchlorine]

For the Black girls who grew up believing that their features were ugly….

They lied to us! We’re beautiful. ✨

[xelsjournal]

Dec 16, 2022 - 12:45 am

making plans for my social media stuff at the end of the year. or rather i made the plans yesterday and i just started executing them. writing and scheduling posts for the coming days. one of them is a spotify playlist series for the zodiac calendar of 2022 which is one of my fav hobbies. glad im getting to share it with people this way too. imma do those and then post a photo dump the last 12 days of the year on insta as a little jump start to my rekindled sm presence over there. im playing cut me x moses sumney rn off the capricorn playlist and fanny (my dog) is absolutely inconsolable from the noise lmao. im petting her as we speak. typing is a slow going process. actually i lied im typing kinda fast for alladat. i think i predominantly type with this hand anyways and my other just chips in every once in while for keys that are far away from this one lol. interesting. oooh must be x lou phelps just started. a banger.

anyway im just going with the flow (by nubiyan twist) rn. i started journalling cuz i thought i had something to say but that seemed to slip away. whatever. im proud of myself for like. taking actionable steps on the things i wanna do. like ive actually been learning guitar and actually been writing and posting. i like it! (by debarge). altho i sleep SOOO late into the day. i have many thoughts on jet lag from southern california straight to the northeast coast as the clock was setting back. i lost 3 hours in one day and then every day since like 20 mins of sunlight at the start and end of the day sksksk i was set up for failure re: early mornings. it lasted like a week waking up at 6. now im lucky if im up by 12. tragically dependent on vitamin d supplements.

but what i can say is i rlly do think im past the long sorrowful bouts of depression i used to get whenever i came home. cheers to healing!! now my depressive episodes look drastically different and they are few and far between. when they do come about its no where NEAR the like “i wanna die and i and everyone else hates me” energy i used to be in. the drowning in detestation sensation. the wallowing in wintery whimpering worry. i distinctly remember the moment when i first recognized that those sensations were a thing of the past (shortly after i left college and toxic environments feeding off my sorrow) and the excitement at the prospect of like… actually being able to plan a life and future without having to accommodate potential months longs off periods. and here i am!! living that out!! planning for my future! taking steps for it! learning my cues, taking rest as i need, practicing compassion with myself, and doing the damn thing!! super proud of me 🥹

closing it out on tune x emmavie

[xelsjournal]

oop its 4:20 am ikdr 🌬🤪 dec 15 2022

first blog post on the new blog whoop whoop. im not gonna rlly censor myself over here or put too much thought into the audience for this one. who knows, maybe the posts will be private. prolly not tho cuz that defeats the purpose. if this writerly exploratory period in my life. i know im out of galance rn and its cuz im in transition but i crave balance and internal piece. but its up to me to secure them for myself, so im like aware of this looming spiritual journey for me coming up but tbh i have no fucking clue what its gonna look like lmaooooo. i thought i had a spiritual practice and some understanding at one point but frankly while thats what j needed at the time and brought me here, that was blatant ego and pride talking cuz i kinda didnt know shit. i still dint know shit, but i thought i knew SOME things. and i did and i do. but while i know a lot, i dont know more, and because im shifting realities, what i once knew is no longer what is true so i also need to confront everything i think i know about spirit, the universe, my ancestors, my spirit team, my self, my path, my community, my home, my perception, my reality, my energy (i can keep going too) *deep breath*… i just have a lot of something awaiting me. a lot of discovery and newness and to be honest im a little daunted. not in a “i dont wannt go” way but in a “im going ziplining for the first time” way. like it looks kinda fun kinda horrifying, def exhilarating, def incomparable to anything ive experienced yet and i know i need to prepare myself and have all my qs and ps about me so i can have the experience im supposed to experience but i know itll be life changing for the best so im not too worried about it but i do have butterflies all up and in my gut type of anticipation. i have no reference point for what im boutta experience but i know that ill provide the something thats been feeling off rn, like itll scratch the itch i been feeling. its what ive been waiting for for like 3 years now and im pretty excited. but whew i do not actually know what to expect. im certainly not gonna rush it lmaoooo but ig yall can read about it in real time here if u want 😂 grateful to be here and to have space to speak and share my thoughts. im grateful to have my words resonate in the minds of people all over the globe. im grateful for the power of the voice, the pen, im grateful for my power in wielding them, and im grateful for every opportunity to share my mind, my heart, my toils, my euphoria with the world of my own volition. im grateful for those who inevitably will see them and share in or bare witness to my thoughts.

anyway chile im going to sleep sksks gn