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Thank You & Goodbye Everyone
I want to thank you all for you all supporting me. I think you are all wonderful and I am glad for my time on tumblr. I know there were different things going on in life, but I have to take care of myself and the things in my life. For everyone who supported me and took the time to get to know me. Thank you. My skype is available for those who ask. Thank you once more everyone. I love you all.
My blog from here on out will be archived.
Her concerns were sweet but Kiki was far more concerned with her having a good day. She would make sure of it too. As she led them in and paid Kiki only stopped Near to place the wristband on her wrist. She then led her in and they began their slow tour of the zoo. As they stopped to observe the monkeys she cast a glance down at Near and saw that she seemed to be in thought. Almost as if she were troubled by something. “What’s wrong baby?” She asked as she gave her hand a little squeeze as if to get her attention.
What wrong? Near glanced to Kiki as her bottom lip jutted out. “Don’t you ever think those animals are sad being caged up? Never being allowed to roam past those fences?” Thinking too hard, Near was curious of the world around her, and nothing seemed fair. She inhaled slowly and grasped Kiki’s hand tighter. Eyes traced the animals moving about. Were they happy? Did their happiness matter? Near couldn’t place it, but she would hate to be caged.
Obsidian & Azure
lawliet-justice:
She didn’t want to be treated as the victim, and so, L would not do such a thing. But the poor detective was finding it difficult to know how to react. Her biggest concern seemed to be not wanting to upset him, but his biggest concern was her wellbeing. He shouldn’t be a focal point in this messed up situation at all. “Don’t worry about me, Near. What I think right now isn’t important” he insisted. Would she believe him? Who knows. There was no point in telling her that she shouldn’t hold in whatever she was feeling; for a start, it was hypocritical of him, but not only that, he knew she would continue to do so anyway. He could read it on her face. She was determined not to let this messed up turn of events be the be all and end all of her life. For that, he admired her, but at the same time he was concerned for her. While she insisted now that she would be alright, how far down the line would it be before an inevitable break down? L didn’t know Near well enough to know whether or not she would suffer such a thing, but it had happened to so many others when trying to deal with trauma.
Hearing about what the boy did to her made his fists clench, and while he had an overwhelming urge to embrace her at that moment, he held back. He merely placed a hand gently on her shoulder and shook his head. He didn’t know what else he could say. He could tell her he would be there for her, but what advice could he give? Not only that, but he didn’t want her to think he was pitying her. Far from it. He just wanted to make sure she was alright. “And you still don’t wish to name names?” he asked, gently. “I just need to be sure, that’s all” L couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t say, but then, he had never experienced anything like that, so of course he wouldn’t understand.
“If I tell you the names, you will go after them. While I believe in justice, I am scared they will do this again. L, I am not sure I can face those who hurt me after this. I am not as strong as others, and if they do not get punished they may hurt me once more, or even worse next time.” Near slowly twirled a curl around her small finger.
L was a kind man, a strong detective and Near admired that dearly. How lucky was she to know such a man who stood in the name of justice. For so long she dealt with many issues, but she wanted to try to be like him, or even better. If she could live in his name that would be an honor. Generally, Near was smart, intelligent beyond her years, but physically she was mainly disabled. With that being said, she was scared of the others hurting her. That was terrifying. Near blinked a few times, before resting her forehead against his shoulder. Near felt as if she was blessed to know this man, and she truly was. Whispering against him, she felt her own breath touch her own face because it bounced off him. “I really hope you know I appreciate your help.” Sincerity was true and strong in her voice.
Swallowing a harsh lump in her throat, she closed her eyes, hoping this would be the right thing to do. “If you must know my assailants, I can tell you, but I am worried about the consequences.” Her voice shook softly because she was scared, terrified. Those boys didn’t do the worst to her, plus Near recalled their threats. L wouldn’t let her hurt though, so Near hoped. She opened her eyes and inhaled slowly. His shirt smelled good, and it brought her comfort. Everything was bringing her to a new point of uncertainty. L would handle this, she was sure of that. Softened gray hues were focused before her and she lifted her head. Near felt eye contact was crucial now. Slowly, she tilted her head, fingers went to trace his lips and then around the corners of his eyes where they creased.
~ Go Away ~
goodxmemoriesxandxnightmares:
“Struggling?” Mello repeated, snappily. “You think I’m struggling?” She clenched her fists at her side, grimacing at the other girl. Mello wasn’t in the mood to have Wammy’s Number One tell her how to do things or to tell her that she seemed to not be doing so hot.
So hostile. It wasn’t a surprise though. Recently Mello seemed more tempermental, but Near was not obliged to be fearful of Mello. Quite the contrary the albino female admired Mello’s convictions. “I suppose struggle isn’t the word I should have used, but I do believe you are angry at me because of grades. I do believe it takes more than grades to be something worthwhile.” Implying it, Near thought Mello was above her, yet she didn’t directly say so.
~ Go Away ~
goodxmemoriesxandxnightmares:
Was she really that angry? Near stared at Mello and shook her head, curls bouncing. “I was just offering you my help since you seem to struggle.”
Obsidian & Azure
lawliet-justice:
It was more than obvious that Near didn’t want to talk about this, and while L knew he should respect that, it simply made him worry all the more. There were only a few things he could think of that the snowy haired girl wouldn’t want him to know about and he didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but the thoughts made him sick. He knew he should drop it, for her sake. But he didn’t want her covering up for someone who hurt her. It wasn’t the way he did things. If there was someone guilty of a crime, that person ought to be identified and justly and appropriately punished. It wasn’t fair that whoever did whatever to her was able to get away with it while Near had to suffer the consequences.
But he sighed and shook his head. Forcing her to tell him what happened would be as bad as forcing whatever acts had previously occurred upon her. He didn’t have her consent, therefore he shouldn’t do anything. “Alright…” he murmured as her shaking hands took hold of his. He ran one of his hands through his hair and let out a long, exasperated breath. If she didn’t want him to treat her like a victim, he wouldn’t. But in his mind he could not let this go. For as long as he was there with the children, his eyes would be keenly searching for any kind of malcontent towards Near, and anyone who might be a potential suspect. Thinking of the children as suspects would probably be considered taking it too far, to some people. But as far as L was concerned, children or not, they were guilty of a crime that they needed to pay for.
“I won’t push you for answers. Even I can see that you don’t want that… but if something happens again… even if you don’t tell me what happened… Will you at least give me an idea as to who?”
Oh, it was all tumbling over her calm and composed walls. Near wasn’t ready for this. The pain in her chest was killing her. Tears began to form again and her hands covered her face. How could L understand what happened to her? She should have fought harder and made that boy stop. The other two weren’t half as bad, but they still laughed. “L… I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.” She was rather compared to a ‘Mary Sue’ knowing close to nothing about sexual intimacy or what was right or wrong, but she knew she wasn’t to be touched in certain places. It wasn’t as if he touched her bare flesh. “L, I didn’t mean for you to get upset.” No, this would not define her. She refused.
Would he judge her? She wasn’t sure. Her eyes were large as she watched him. “I really didn’t want this to happen. It isn’t like it got far… He… He only lifted my skirt… and put his hand..” She couldn’t finish her thoughts and she closed her eyes. No, Near wouldn’t let this define who she was. For years, Near was weak, but she felt the worst now. She inhaled slowly and then closed her eyes. L would have to understand this. It was odd, the pain inside of her chest was new and odd. It wasn’t as if Near was great with handling emotions. No, after exposing this information, she would never speak of it again. Strong… She was strong. For years, Near hid the pain and this was another thing she would hide.
lawliet-justice:
“Happy Birthday, Near”
“I didn’t know what to buy you, so please accept this ice cream… and some money if you wish to buy yourself a new robot”
ingenioussleuth
Twisting a curl around her finger, she watched the other before letting herself smile. How sweet of the detective to think of her. Normally Near ignored her birthday, it not being so important to her.
“Thank you so much. I really appreciate the gesture, L. Would you like to sit with me while I eat the ice cream you thoughtfully brought me?”
Near
Jynx Helix
8/19/2015
Obsidian & Azure
lawliet-justice:
Was she seriously blaming herself for the cruelty of others against her? How long had this all been going on that she had actually started to believe that she was the one who deserved this? Children could be so cruel in the way they caused others to think abotu themeselves. It made L sick. “Near do you truly believe that?” the detective asked with a deep frown furrowing onto his brow. “You have done nothing that warrants this kind of cruelty” There was no other way to describe it - it was cruel. She even flinched as he touched her, causing his hand to shoot back. This was hurting her far more than she was letting on. It didn’t take a genius to figure that out, and L happened to be one.
“I need you to understand, Near, that I am not upset with you… not by any stretch of the imagination. But these are things that can’t simply go unnoticed and not dealt with. I know you think it will make things worse to confront the culprits but there is no excuse for their behaviour and I won’t stand idly by” The detective’s tone was gentle but it was also firm. He didn’t wish to cause her any more trouble than she had already been put through, but how could he just sit back and let things like this continue to unfold?
As she looked up at him with large teary eyes, L’s frown softened and a saddened concerned look replaced it. He tried, more gently this time, to rest his hand on her arm once more before she took hold of his. “Near, I don’t want you to get hurt”
Would she tell him? Near didn’t know why the others hated her so, but they were the older boys. They mocked her, but they didn’t go too far.. Well, maybe. Near was scared to mention to L everything that happened, but she found herself shaking. Her gaze never left his now, he stared back. How would this work out? What would he do. “The older boys were simply angry. They said I was a know it all, but I.. I didn’t know everything.” There was more to it.
Trembling hands reached out for his, and Near held onto the detective’s hand. “You are so nice to me, and you shouldn’t worry like you do. I appreciate your care. I know you will worry, but I am trying my best to show you I am strong enough to handle this.”
Swallowing down a harsh lump in her throat, Near hoped he would understand. Near wasn’t a victim. She couldn’t be. “Sometimes, I know I am physically weak, but I will overcome it, one day.” More than likely not. She had tried physical therapy, everything, but nothing worked. “Please do not treat me like a victim.”
Would he let this go? Would he keep pushing forward for the answers? Near wouldn’t know. With a great hesitation, Near moved over to him to sit on his lap. Bruises graced her little legs and arms. Eyes closed and she inhaled slowly.
As she thought about her answer Kiki couldn’t help but to glance over every once in a while to watch the gears turn. It was as if she had to really think on it to come up with a suitable answer. Such a sweet child. Though always so serious. It was ok though. Near was Near and that’s all she could ever ask for not that she would want it any other way.
When she finally did answer her she could only smile in response. “Of course we can see everything. I would never limit you in a place like this. We have all the time in the world.” She replied gently as she pulled into the parking lot. Parking the car she got out and made her way over to the other side. Pulling the door open for Near she waited for her to step out. “Come on angel. Let’s go have some fun.”
Near gently removed herself from her seat and grabbed her little parasol and opened it. Her skin was sensitive to the light, but it was only because she was so fair. With her other dainty hand, she reached out to the other and held onto Kiki’s hand. Her eyes were focused ahead of her as always. “Thank you for even taking the time off work. I know we need the money.” Her voice softly chirped.
All the animals made noises and Near’s eyes grew large and she began to glance around. How exciting was this all? It had been a while since she went to the zoo, so this was almost new to her. Near was happy, but she didn’t smile much. Eyes were searching around, seeing everything around the zoo. But there was a part of Near that was sad. More so than not, she saw the animals caged up. Were they happy?
A servant to the damned ((closed for ingenioussleuth))
Her trembling words did nothing more than cause a smile to paint his features. Of course her first time was going to be agonizing. But like it mattered to him. No that was just his cruel mind talking. The sensible part of him wouldn’t want to bust his new toy before he could really get to break her in. “Don’t worry.” He breathed through a soft moan as her tongue touched him. “I’ll be gentle the first time. I have a smaller slave than you and she can take me fine. You’ll do well.”
It was a true fact that he had another slim small framed girl and it took her time to adjust to him. But with patience he was able to fuck her as hard as any of his others so she wouldn’t be any different. As her tongue flicked over his head another shuddered breath was had. He wanted to grab her and force her down. But the shy display was too arousing to ruin. He’d let her do what she wished short of biting him.
She did well? Near was scared about the fact this man would torment her. Near wrapped her lips around his tip, her tongue still swirling around the swollen head. He would damage her until there was nothing left. Surely, Near believed he would kill her soon enough. That wouldn’t be a surprise at all. Her hands gently rubbed at his thighs and her body was aching. His darkness shrouded her, but it would be alright in the end, right? She wanted to escape, but there was no escape with his cock in her throat.
Near wasn’t that great with this, but she was trying. Her mouth wrapped around the other hurt her jaw. The stretch was certainly large and she whimpered softly. He would like that though. Near wasn’t a good lover, never had she done this before. With a palpitating heart, Near closed her eyes and tried to imagine a new place, one far away from here.
✿
It was strange to see her come to him willingly. Let alone the fact that she had climbed in his lap to sit. Stranger still when she reached up to place a flower in his hair. He couldn’t deny her in instances like these. Mostly because it made it that much easier to get her to break for him later. And oh would she. Especially after offering her such a gentle smile. Well…As gentle as he could muster anyway.
“And what is this for pet?”
ingenioussleuth
He had took note of her sickness but paid it no mind as it didn’t seem to hinder her servicing him at all. But the more he saw the signs the more he realized what was happening. He let her hide it as long as she wanted though. He wasn’t stupid. This had happened with a few of his slaves before. Now they merely served the palace. But this wasn’t something he wanted for her. She had become less…Expendable. He hadn’t laid hand on anyone else in a while and he didn’t plan on doing so anytime soon.
When she finally came to him to confess he merely smiled as gently as he could, looking down at her as he brushed a few locks of hair out of her face. “Go on pet. I have time right now.” He mused as he took in her frightened aura. Something he still basked in to this day. She should be afraid. But at the same time there was no real danger. If he allowed her to birth the child, should she want it, it would just serve as a new tool to use against. It would only play to his benefit.
He actually had the time for her. Near found herself readying herself to speak the words, but she hesitated. This creature before her abused her, hurt her, yet now she carried his child. Bearing this fetus inside of her should have been an easy thing for her to hate, but after the time with him, suffering under his hand… She fell victim and obeyed. Near was not an easy one to break, but he damaged her beyond comprehension. This was unfair, but then again, she didn’t see it as such.
Finally, it was time to speak. “I am with child, master. I want to know what you would like to do with me..” Of course, Near was fearful he would tear the child from her womb and end it there, even end her. She didn’t obey, she didn’t follow exact orders. This was… Not planned nor discussed. Near glanced up to him, making eye contact. Fright was evident in all of her features. Sighing slowly, her hands went to her knees and then she swallowed once more.
Obsidian & Azure
lawliet-justice:
“Who did this to you?” he demanded. He didn’t raise his voice, but there was a stern and serious edge to it. He wasn’t angry at Near; no, of course not. He understood her fear; it was something he had seen from children countless times. The abused would always keep their attackers anonymous out of fear of it happening again. But L would gurantee that it wouldn’t happen again. If he found out who had committed the acts, he would definitely be making sure they were punished. Wammy’s was a place where the children were working their way up to have a chance at succeeding L - the detective who fought to bring justice to the world. And yet, the residents of Wammy’s were committing their own crimes against Near. Did they not realise the hypocrisy of their actions? Did they think that just because they were children they would be excused from their crimes?
He moved closer to Near and ever so gently rested his hand on her arm. “Near, please… I want to help, and I can’t do that if you won’t tell me what happened… I know it’s difficult, but you can trust me” Seeing the little girl looked so damaged was severely upsetting. The detective hadn’t dreamed in a million years that these kinds of things would be happening here. This was supposed to be a safe haven for the orphaned and abused.
“L, please understand, it was my fault. I should have been better prepared. I know you want to handle this, but you have other things to worry about. I beg you to understand that I had this coming.” Near sat up and stared into his eyes, wishing she could explain how things happened, but really it was all too fast, and there was no one to help. “Sometimes I wonder why I am weak, but then I think one day I will be stronger and I can help others like you do. Please do not fret over my bruises. They will fade.” Out of everything, Near didn’t want pity. Would L understand that? Near hated appearing so fragile, but with her health conditions it didn’t help. Near stared up with wide eyes at the man and then tilted her head. “Please L, don’t be upset.”
As his hand touched Near, she flinched, but she wanted to trust him. L was a good man, one who had never treated her wrong. Slowly, she glanced up to him, and tears began to force their way to the surface. Wammy’s wasn’t a bad place, they were all just children, so mistakes happened, and people would act like animals. It was how the real world was as well. Near sighed and took his hands gently.
✿
It was strange to see her come to him willingly. Let alone the fact that she had climbed in his lap to sit. Stranger still when she reached up to place a flower in his hair. He couldn’t deny her in instances like these. Mostly because it made it that much easier to get her to break for him later. And oh would she. Especially after offering her such a gentle smile. Well…As gentle as he could muster anyway.
“And what is this for pet?”
ingenioussleuth
He could almost sense there was something different and it hardy had to do with her shattered mind…Or the fact that he owned her body and soul now. No. This was something different and she couldn’t quite put his finger on it…As her lips pressed to his neck he couldn’t help but let out a soft sigh in response. Violet eyes fell half lidded as he basked in the small gesture. Her words only fueled the fire.
“And you will continue to grateful for just that my beautiful darling.” He replied as her nuzzled his cheek against her hair. A more flattering pet name this time. Just to add to her comfort and will her into continuing to be affectionate. All the while the gears were turning in his mind to figure out what this new change was…Though he would know soon enough he was sure. Whether he would like the surprise remained to be seen.
The days passed, and Near continued to be kind to him, but seemingly she began to become sick more often than not. It didn’t prevent Near from servicing her ‘master’ but she was also brainwashed from abuse and him dealing with her in such horrific manners. Near was not a simple individual, but Marik actually broke her down. It was not something anyone could do, but with his darkness, he shrouded her. But with those days, Near began to figure out what was happening. It was all about coming clean to Marik.
Stepping up to his bed, she knelt before him, her chin resting along the edge and close to where he sat. “Master, I have some important matters to discuss with you whenever you have the time, if you have the time.” Her voice barely above a whisper, she was nervous. If Marik would become angry at this fact, surely the man would kill her. Near stared up with wide and concerned eyes.
A servant to the damned ((closed for ingenioussleuth))
Her words had been carefully chosen. He could tell and it only made his grin grow. How cute. Had she really meant her words? Highly doubtful this early in the game. But she was learning and that’s all that mattered. She’d continue to do so or she would die. Simple as that. It was that way with every single personal pet he had. Learn or die. There was no try. Granted he would have some patience for this one. But not much. Especially not with someone who had been so mouthy and ungrateful to begin with.
“It would definitely please me.” He grinned as he stood momentarily to rid himself of his waist robe leaving him bare before her. It wasn’t hard to see how excited the situation had gotten him. Even with how naive she might have been. “Now sweet pet let us see what you can figure out out on your own.” Leaning back a little, he observed her wishing to see what she would do. “Use your mouth and your hands. It’s not hard and I won’t have you do it very long. I tend to get frustrated very quickly.”
Marik terrified her, but Near would obey for now. Later, she would try to find a way out. This was about survival. There he was, disrobing before her, leaving the little girl terrified. She felt her heart palpitating rapidly in her tiny chest, lungs breathing too harshly hurting her diminutive ribcage. He wanted her to please him, but Near was no master at this game. Disgust and bile rose, but swallowing it down was all she could do. Scooting closer to him, her hands reached out, gripping his length. His girth alone was traumatizing and huge.
“You are quite large. I do not think my body will be able to handle this…” Her voice actually trembled, it proved even as stoic as she was, there was nothing she could do. It was rather scary, but she wanted to believe there was a way to handle this man. “I am very small. I am afraid you will hurt me.” Near’s honesty would probably fuel the man, but she wanted to get this over with, though she was completely terrified. Slowly, she moved closer, her tongue flicked out against his shaft and then a trail was made with the tip of her tongue to the head of his cock.
Obsidian & Azure
lawliet-justice:
L recalled their first meeting where he had realised how much like himself Near was; she had the tendency to downplay her emotions for the apparent benefit of others, and it seemed as though she was doing the same now. He couldn’t put his finger on what, but L knew there was more to the situation than met the eye, and that niggling detective in him wanted to dig a little deeper, even though it was rather clear that this was all making Near feel rather uncomfortable. “Are you sure that’s all that is the matter?” he asked gently, settling himself at the foot of her bed. “I would hope that if there’s more than that, you would feel comfortable in telling me” Was that last statement manipulative? He hadn’t meant for it to be but he wasn’t sure. After all, he meant it. He did want her to be able to open up to him, but he hadn’t want to guilt her into doing it.
As the little snowy haired girl pulled her knees up to her chest, L’s brow creased into a frown. From the angle he was now sat at, he could see her clutching her toy robot tightly to her chest, almost acting as a security blanket. He could hear the tremour in her voice. She was not alright at all and there was far more to it than she was letting on. His eyes narrowed on her arms which were wrapped around her robot.
“Are these bruises?” he asked, his tone suddenly cold.
L was rather invasive, but Near never had a problem with it. She closed her eyes, feeling the pain in her chest. Would the other understand? Her body was aching and small whimpers left her. There was nothing he could truly do to help, but she was too scared to utter the words. How would things truly work out? She wasn’t sure. The female was shaking in her own bed, scared of almost everyone around her. With her focus on the other, she began to whimper.
“L, please do not worry. I do not want you upset. Please understand… I.. I need you to understand I don’t want there to be problems.” The boys who attacked her left her terrified. The threats they gave. Surprisingly, Mello had nothing to do with it. This dealt with more malicious acts which Near was too distressed to utter to anyone. Their touches could still be felt, and Near shivered.
Of course, she was covered in black and blues, hues of purples as well. Finger marks, circle bruises, and abnormal ones littered her. Closing her eyes, she wanted the detective to understand, but not be upset. If he did anything, the others would retaliate once more. It wasn’t as if anyone would understand. The teachers already told her over and over it would be alright. It wasn’t through. She curled up and didn’t answer the last question. It was obvious what they were.
Obsidian & Azure
lawliet-justice:
There was something concerning about the tone of voice with which Near spoke. She sounded in rather low spirits which made him feel instantly uneasy as he poked his head around the door. Greeting him was not a sight he had expected from the snowy haired girl. Lying curled up on her bed with her back to him was not something that set his mind at ease. He wondered why she was cooped up in here all alone and why she had been in here since his last visit. A million questions shot around his head and he felt as though he needed to do something to help, even though she hadn’t actually told him that anything was wrong.
“Near?” he asked carefully, edging further into the room and closing the door gently behind him. “Roger tells me you’ve been in here a lot lately… is there something the matter?” The detective knew it was a foolish question - of course there was something the matter. That much was obvious by the way she curled up away from him on the other side of the room. He wondered what had happened between his last visit and now. Perhaps the taunting and bullying had got worse, along with those horrible rumours. If that was the case then Roger would be having a stern talking to. How was it better to let Near cower in her room than face the problem head on? If he had to, L would speak to the culprits in person. But right now he didn’t know if that was the case, so he simply sidled closer to the bed. “I’m sorry I didn’t announce my arrival earlier. I thought it might be a nice surprise to just… turn up” he explained, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. “Besides, I wanted to see you before everybody else to check that you were alright since our last meeting. But I’m getting the distinct feeling that you’re not” He trailed off, now stood at the bed, but not close enough to see the bruises that Near tried to disguise. He was worried about what she might tell him.
A soothing voice from L only provoked Near’s emotional state. She wanted to sob because there was a part of her believing she didn’t even deserve to be there in Wammy’s. The female worked hard to be there for the other, to be a good student, and to prove herself, but it never worked in her favor. Near was tired of all the problems in Wammy’s but despite the lack of assistance, she worked the best she could. Near was dedicated. Knowing her role model was here, she was scared. L had enough to worry about, now she was adding to that list. It wasn’t right for her. If only she could be stronger, if her health was better.
“I haven’t been feeling well. Sleep and rest are the only things… Making me feel better. I apologize… L for worrying you. That wasn’t my intention.” She closed her eyes and sniffled, pulling Alpha closer to her chest. Would L feel pity for her? She didn’t want that. Out of everything, pity scared her. Out of all the years, she learned how to deal with taunting, but a physical attack left her terrified. Sometimes she wondered if everything would be alright, but she highly doubted it. Near wasn’t the type to fit in. Maybe if she pulled away from L it wouldn’t be a problem. She wished there was a way to repay him for his kindness. Everything about the children in Wammy’s terrified her, but interpersonal relationships were not Near’s forte. Closing her eyes, she pulled her knees closer up and she whimpered lowly.
“Please do not worry. I will be alright. I am trying to rest. I am glad you are back though… Your company is pleasant.” Her tiny voice trembled, almost as if she held back the cries of sadness. Everything he did though was comforting to her. L was a good man, much like a brother she never had before.
