I want more. I want to suffocate in your love and feel it so deep in my soul I’m never able to doubt or question it. I want to hear the thoughts you don’t speak about the way you feel about me, about us, about this. I want to hear that you want a future, that you’re even slightly considering the idea of a future with me, with us, for us. But the thing is, I don’t. I’ve never been in a relationship where the emotional distance matches the physical distance and while I’m desperately searching within you for something deep, I keep stepping into nothing but shallow pools of affection and love. Most of those come in the form of very small words like ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’, maybe just once or twice when you see me through the lense of my camera, you’ll tell me I’m beautiful but just about every other moment of the day I feel like just your ‘bitch’ or just something you hold on a leash like a trophy, giving me the bare minimum of your words and emotions, filling me with all your worries and stresses but never taking any of mine. You don’t ask me how my day was, how anything was when you wake up. Your responses to my asking about your day are usually cynical and depressing, as are the many comments you make about being tired of life and wanting to die. Those small moments when you love, you love enough that I catch onto the feelings again and start to find myself withdrawing for more. But I guess that’s exactly how it starts and that’s usually how it stays for someone like me; a constant craving for something deeper, something more within a person who has nothing but shallow pools of love to give. I’m walking that fine line between knowing what’s good for me and ignoring it anyway.
