sorin’s running off the moment she passes through customs, forgoing the baggage claims—her manager will get that for her, eventually. there’s eighteen hours of a plane ride she’d braved still stuck to her, impatient wave of her hand when she finds the company car waiting. “i’ll tip you extra if you get there in twenty minutes,” are her first words, leaning forward, the unflappable, confident bassist looking just a little more frazzled for once. “it’s really important!”
summer’s packed full with tours, inescapable heat on her back. she misses the lazy summers from forever ago, when all she had to worry about were white dress codes and the startling new discovery of sungho’s… everything. but sorin’ll admit she likes it better now, even though her schedule’s fit to burst and it’s been two years since that beach party and more. she’s never been that much of a romantic, to be honest, but having the literal best boyfriend in world means she’s got to at least make it home in time for their anniversary.
the drive home follows that winding red thread, her leg bouncing impatiently. she worries at her nails, a watchful eye on the clock, hands cradling the little giftbox she’d gotten. red weaves down the road, through the sights of seoul, and there’s a smile she can’t fend off. she’s going to be home.
please nobody come into the kitchen, please nobody come into the kitchen.
it’s a small mantra byeol chants to herself as hazel orbs scan the mess before her, evidence of her failed attempt at cooking covering each nook and cranny of the sharehouse’s second floor kitchen. the only thing missing from the disaster would be the smell of smoke filtering through the hallway alerting her fellow neighbours of her fiasco. now that she can’t have. she had though an omelette would be an easy enough task: eggs, mushroom, cheese - what could go wrong?
the answer? everything.
byeol sighs heavily, running her fingers through dark locks of hair, her other hand placed on her hip as her expression only sours. she’s deep into her thoughts, laser focused on gathering the energy to clear the mess, so much so that she fails to recognize the entrance of a figure behind her. she’s only alerted when she senses movement out of the corner of her eyes, head instantly whipping around to meet one ji youngtaek. she puts on a sheepish smile, eyes looking anywhere but the male. oh how she wanted to melt away into oblivion.
“hey...” she starts, voice barely audible as she looks down at the floor. damn, someone should clean the kitchen floor some time.
if youngtaek looked close enough he could spot a shade of pink appear on her cheeks, embarrassment visible in her current situation. but she finally looks up at the male, blowing some air past her lips that cause her bangs to flutter. “i promise it’s not as bad as it looks. i haven’t ruined the kitchen and rendered it unusable or anything!” she casually leaves out the part where she had almost done that; he doesn’t need to know anyway.
the glass of the window is cool against her forehead, watching the lights glide past them and into the distance as they cruise down the roads. she can see the clench of sungho’s jaw in the reflection, grip on the steering wheel unmoving against the scenery. the radio isn’t turned on, just the sound of faint traffic and the quiet hum of the engine, the rhythmic thump of the beating thing in her chest that feels almost as mechanic.
his hands are cold, pressed against her waist as he steadies her to the elevator doors. he won’t look at her. it’s selfish, she knows, but. she wants him to look at her, just her, with the tinge of that something behind his eyes. she can’t label it with anything else but the feeling that terrifies her. so her gaze escapes his, fixates on stupider, meaningless things, and hurts for a dimming warmth in eyes that won’t meet hers.
sorin curls her hand into the hem of his shirt, asking for a forgiveness he shouldn’t give. it would be too unkind to say it went well, and too cruel to lie that it didn’t. the silence feeds her guilt, and she tries to cut it off. “i don’t think we’ll meet again,” sorin says, like it means anything. if not him, then her, or him, and sungho always there, at the end of it all.
they stop in front of their door, her leaning against him. she touches his hand gently, punches in the numbers to their apartment with the date that’s engraved in her head. he’s home to her as much as this apartment is. she’d been so pleased when they’d gotten it, passcode the day they moved in together. they’d been giddy, a home to themselves, matching sets that’ve stayed unlabeled. does it make it better, that she still remembers?
“i don’t have any meetings in the morning, right?” she asks, kicking off her shoes, her dress feeling tight and cloying now, as much as her presence must be to him, clinging even as she’s going to wash up. “let’s stay in tomorrow.” she can’t escape that look, doesn’t know what she’s asking for anymore. like she’s being laid bare in front of him, the softness of her vulnerabilities privy only to sungho. “help me wash up?” sorin asks, instead. he could crush her heart, if he wanted to; she knows, she did it first. “please,” she whispers against his cheek, eyes closing.
her words should have been comforting, they should have been the silver lining to the absolute mess of a relationship they have (if what they have can even be defined as a relationship). sungho should be relieved knowing there is a possibility that she means what she says but the voice at the back of his mind can’t help but whisper negativity in his ear and in his fragile state, he succumbs. so he chooses to simply nod at her response, not allowing himself to give any more than the bare minimum. why should he? (because he’s supposed to love her.)
their apartment greets them as the door swings open, lights dimmed from when he had left to pick her up. he flips the switch to full brightness with a flick of a finger, the room instantly illuminating and he thinks he catches a moment where sorin winces from the bright lights and his heart softens. or perhaps he had orchestrated the image in his mind to give him a sense of something to soften for. her voice snaps him out of his daze and he pauses, the line between personal and professional quivering as he shakes his head. “no meetings.” a pause. her words more a statement than a question, but a reply he still provides as he slides his own shoes off. “mm, yeah, a day in would be nice.”
sungho freezes at what comes next, a sense of pleading in her words and actions that he isn’t accustomed to.
in his eyes, sorin is as strong as they come and her vulnerable side only slips out in the rarest of moments. she knows what she is doing, he thinks, her request a fatal attempt at the normalcy that they once had. he wants to reject her, knowing fully well that she doesn’t deserve the love and care she wishes from him but the soft spot in his heart that has her name written all over trumps anything else and he finds himself obliging before he even realizes. there is no verbal agreement but he simply bends down to loop one arm around her legs while his other arm tightening the grip he has around her waist as he carries her from the doorway to their shared bathroom.
he fumbles momentarily with the bathroom light switch, a sigh sounding before he finally manages to flip the switch. he gently sets her down when he does, “you good?”, making sure she’s stable before he lets go of her. he takes a minute to finally look at her, his first time this entire night and he thinks he sees something in her expression that he can’t quite put his finger on. he thinks she looks beautiful, nonetheless. he reaches for a hair tie from the counter top, one that he knows she always uses and gently tugs on her strands of hair, fingers combing through dark locks before forming something close to a ponytail to hold her hair back; an action he has done time and time before. “i’ll run some water,” and he’s about to walk away before he turns back to her. “lavender or citrus tonight?”
cold city wind whistles past her, sorin dozing on the steps of the hotel. sungho’s supposed to be here already—the way he always is, whenever she needs him.
she calls and he comes to her, the way she knows he would. bright headlights blink at her, like a splash in the night. he’s here. the world spins when she stands, reaching out for him. she aches, but her conscience crushes the complaints between its teeth. he knows what she was doing, and she knows he does, but words would break this fragile thing between them. she’s terrified that the knowing will be enough to shatter. “missed you,” sorin mumbles instead, arms coming around his neck. “sorry y’had to pick me up.”
there’s the smell of their new fabric softener wrapped up in his clothes, like she’s home when she buries her face into his neck while they make their way to the car. he must’ve changed their sheets, she registers, a pang of guilt for the way she smells like hotel bleach and whiskey and— “sorry,” she whispers, sinking into the passenger seat, the silhouette of sungho’s back to her as he closes the door on her side.
it’ll be the last time, she thinks. her phone screen lights up with a text, and she hesitates.
( she replies. for the last time, she tells herself.
she’s said that before. )
her call came as he expected, just like every other time, and there was a moment of hesitation before he picks up. a hand hovering above the device as if he could talk himself out of answering. spoiler alert: he couldn’t.
so that’s how he finds himself parked in front of a five-star hotel, the same one he has driven to many times before under false pretences of picking sorin up after a business deal. he isn’t stupid, he can read between the lines and come to the conclusion that no deal actually exists, yet here he is.
“mm, it’s okay.” he manages to mumble. he can’t seem to tell her he misses her too— not like this, not with her smelling like bad decisions and regret.
he’s quiet as he gently maneuvers her into the passenger side, even quieter closing the door and looking at her briefly from outside the vehicle with sadness in his eyes. he’s quiet the entire drive, even quieter as he helps her out of the vehicle and towards the building of their shared apartment. he can’t bring himself to call it their home right now.
an arm is loosely wrapped around her waist, just enough pressure to keep her steady as he keys in the code to the building, slow footsteps guiding her dazed figure to the elevators and pushing the ‘up’ button.
“did everything go well?” he asks dryly, not looking at her as if she would even notice. a pointless question, one to keep conversation more than anything. he thinks that maybe, just maybe, if he pretends things are alright, they eventually will be.
12 days of a very sungso christmas ft. some friends - @holyrcller
december, 2021
various locations around seoul, little snippets into their holiday season from his perspective
december 1, 2021
soft white flakes fall from grey skies as bodies hustle to and from, chipper cheers and gentle laughter filling the busy roads where people begin to fall into the holiday spirit upon the first day of the celebratory month. seoul national university's hospital is no different, the atmosphere lighter than usual while the everlasting ominous feeling that accompanies the establishment takes a step back to allow the holiday spirit to slip through. custodians drift through the long hallways of the hospital as decorations begin to be hung, gracing the white walls with dashes of colour that make a smile appear on sungho's lips as he clocks out, the seemingly never-ending moment of his shift finally making an appearance. he says his goodbyes and even helps hang one or two decorations on his way out before he steps into the cold, all bundled up in such a form that only his eyes and bridge of his nose can be seen. he takes out his phone before walking towards the outdoor parkade, mentally cursing himself for snoozing two alarms this morning and forcing himself to trade a few more minutes of sleep and the comfort of his bed for the discomfort of having to park his car outdoors in the cold. his fingers dance across the glass screen of his phone, shades of red appearing on his skin from the harsh winds as he sends a quick message.
( sms: sorin 😘) heading home now, snow's starting to get heavy so it might take me longer but the holidays are here!
( sms: sorin 😘) also, the hospital started putting up decorations so i think it's time we start doing that too. tomorrow since we're both free?
( sms: sorin 😘) see you soon ❤️
december 2, 2021
"that's definitely not where that goes!"
laughter fills the walls of their apartment as glitter flutters from the sphere ornament currently hanging on a hook that sorin has so graciously decided has a place dangling from the right temple of his glasses. the same pair she likes to steal and he likes allowing her to, though he feigns annoyance each time as he whines about not being able to see her, to which she would always have a witty retort. he takes the string of christmas lights he has in his hands, the bunch tangled in a manner that would take much effort to unravel, and gently places it atop the crown of her head in between fits of laughter as the rest of the lights dangle to frame her soft features.
"if this goes here," sungho points to his glasses, the ornament still hanging safely in its spot. "then those go there." he is now pointing to sorin, specifically to the lights illuminating her dark hair, his laughter trailing into a comfortable silence as his arms (now free of the lights) wrap themselves around her tiny figure and he shuffles his feet to stand directly behind her. his chin rests comfortably on her shoulder as he leans forward, one hand leaving the warmth of her waist to reach inside the back pocket of his jeans where he grabs his phone and opens the camera application. he doesn't wait for her to be ready, instead quickly snaps a shot of the moment, insisting that raw memories like these need cherishing when she protests the photo. a gentle kiss on her cheek and a soft "you always look pretty, baby" in her ear quiets her down and they stay just like that for a moment, their prior tasks forgotten as his arms hold her close and the snowy view outside their window provides solace to their antics.
december 3, 2021
busy certainly does not begin to describe their lives, their schedules aligning only once in a blue moon only for something to almost always come up. so they have learned to cherish the brief moments that belong only to them, the outside world momentarily forgotten while they spend their time in their little nest of a home, four walls enveloping a space that belongs only to them. they have fallen into somewhat of a routine for times like this, sorin sleeping soundly in bed as sungho makes breakfast-- something simple for the mornings when he's feeling tired or something more elaborate when he has more energy. it's the latter this morning, with him pulling out all the stops for what he is quite sure will be one of the only few mornings they get to spend without him needing to rush out the door for some hospital emergency, or her needing to hop on an emergency overseas business call.
"that's adulting as a medical intern, get used to it." he hears the words of his seniors echo in the back of his mind from the multiple times he has complained about never getting to see sorin, to which they would always pat him on the shoulder with sympathetic looks on their faces, having experienced much of the same during their intern years.
the clock reads 9:22am when sungho completes the last finishing touches on their morning meal: a heaping load of gingerbread pancakes ("they're festive ~" he'll say when she asks why gingerbread) stacked high accompanied with syrup and whipped cream on the side, a bowl of freshly cut fruit sitting atop vanilla yogurt and drizzled with honey, and lastly a cup of hot coffee brewed just to her liking. though he would have loved to sleep in for a few more hours instead of waking up with the sun, he would love it even more to see the big smile on sorin's face when she wakes up, the look of simple happiness as she digs in to his cooking; being able to sit across from her as they talk about mundane topics, simply enjoying each other's presence.
december 4, 2021
( sms: taeoh ) i don't know dude, it's not our first christmas together but we've barely had time together this year
( sms: taeoh ) don't you think i should get her something a little more extravagant?
no reply.
( sms: taeoh ) come on, you two have been hanging out, give me some idea of what to get her please ㅠ_ㅠ
no reply.
cue the panic. though he isn't sure why he is panicking when he still has three whole weeks to put together a gift but then again, three weeks when you are a first year intern basically means absolutely nothing as you could easily spend most of those days in the hospital. sungho groans at the thought which earns him an odd stare of two from fellow shoppers at the local department store, to which he lowers his head and shifts directions to walk the other way; he didn't really think he would find much in that section anyway. unfortunately, he has been saying that about every section he has been in on the women's floor and while there have been a few items that struck him as potential options, he couldn't find it in himself to purchase them. he knows he could find something better and that he will, with time. she had asked him what he wanted for christmas, the same way he had asked her one night over dinner and neither had a proper response aside from more time together. oh how he wishes he had the power to make that a possibility, to put a pause on her business meetings and his shifts at the hospital but they aren't living in a fairytale, even if sometimes their relationship feels to be such.
december 8, 2021
kevin! what did you do to my room?
*kevin gasps and runs away from the window*
the television screen fades to black and the ending credits begin to roll, signalling the end of the movie and sungho shuffles underneath the blanket that covers both himself and sorin, looking down to see her sleeping figure on his lap. habitually, he reaches out from underneath the blanket and runs his fingers through her tousled dark locks, a smile plasters itself on his lips at the sight before him. movie night isn't anything official, so to speak, just something that they happen upon every now and then when the mood feels right. but neither of them were going to let the holidays pass without at least watching one christmas movie, though he can't say for sure how much sorin really saw of 'home alone' based on the deep slumber she has fallen into. he places a soft peck to her forehead, one hand gently shaking her body as if that would awake it from its slumber. "baby?" his voice is hushed, barely above a whisper but loud enough that she won't miss it if she wakes up. "baby, the movie's over, time to wake up."
nothing but a slight stir is her response and sungho almost feels guilty for wanting to wake her from her restful slumber. so he decides against it, choosing instead to scoop her up in his arms as he pushes himself off the couch, movements gentle and slow as to not wake her. the blanket falls to the floor and he makes a mental note to pick it up later, or tomorrow-- that's technically later. a few footsteps later and he's carefully opening the door to their shared bedroom, almost turning the lights on out of habit but remembering sorin in his arms, he refrains and carefully steps to their bed instead, internally grateful that they both enjoy a spotless floor, free of obstacles that would harbour his task at hand. he makes it safely to his side of the bed, gently placing her down for a brief moment as he scurries over to her side and pulls away the sheets, allowing a space for her body to be made. he's quick to then pick her up once more and place her back on her side, tucking her in with a loving gaze. "goodnight baby."
december 11, 2021
t-minus fourteen days and he is still without a gift.
lucky for him (or maybe unlucky in another aspect?), sorin is away on a last minute business trip while he has a few free rotations, meaning he can shop freely for her gift without having to sneak in and out of their shared apartment with a different excuse each time. she's smart, maybe she caught on already or maybe not; she hasn't said a word if she has.
"shopping for your girlfriend?"
the question snaps him out of a daze he hadn't realized he had been in, a puzzled look briefly washes over his face before he nods towards the salesperson, eyes fluttering back to the cases of jewelry before him.
"any suggestions?" he asks, looking back up with a hopeful gaze.
the salesperson pulls out a few different necklace options with matching bracelets and nice as they are, they don't seem to yell 'sorin' to him, so he politely thanks the employee and walks away from the jewelry section. he wanders aimlessly for a bit, reaching for a few items here and there but putting them back not long after. it's then that he passes by the home section where rows and rows of frames line the shelves and it's like those movie moments where an imaginary lightbulb goes off above his head, an idea sparks. he sifts through the shelves, an endless array of frames before he finds the right one-- the last one of its kind, actually.
december 15, 2021
as christmas draws closer and closer, the festivities around seoul seem to shine brighter and brighter. a pop-up christmas market appeared in their neighbourhood a few days prior and upon noticing it, both sungho and sorin had insisted on making time to go. now, a few days later, they finally cleared a slot in both their busy schedules to visit the market, basking in the christmas spirit (or is that the mulled wine they have had multiple glasses of already?). it's crowded and he makes sure to always have their hands intertwined in case they lose each other, there's a joke he made about using a pair of gag mittens they had gotten as gifts to ensure separation doesn't happen but they both have a little too much pride to be seen in public in such a manner.
he pulls her towards him as people start making their way in a direction opposite of theirs, holding her her close to his side, letting go of her hand and replacing it with an arm around her shoulder as they brave the crowd. a slur of apologies are exchanged as bodies bump against each other, he mutters a "you alright?" to sorin, she nods and they move forward. he's carefully guiding her towards the light display, complete with a mini tunnel of lights that make the perfect photo opportunity. this time he makes sure she's ready before capturing a quick selfie, all smiles and eyes disappearing into crescent shapes as the shutter clicks. the next photo is taken by a passerby nice enough to ask if they want a photo-- they say yes and a few more shutter clicks later, they step aside for others to take their place. he watches as she walks slightly ahead of him under the tunnel, him snapping candids of her as she gazes at the lights.
another one for the frame, he thinks.
december 18, 2021
the night shifts at the hospital are great until you get home and feel the world collapse beneath your feet. during a time when the world is just beginning their day, sungho is barely finishing his as he drags his feet across the hardwood flooring of their apartment and all but collapses onto the bed. his disturbance awakens sorin and she mumbles something he can't quite make out before his eyes close and he falls asleep almost immediately. his slumber doesn't last long and he's awake a mere five hours later, rolling around under warm sheets as he notices the lack of sorin's presence. there's a moment he considers going back to sleep but he knows that will only throw a wrench in his sleep schedule even more, so he (unwillingly) rolls out of bed, soles of his feet hitting the icy floor as he winces.
it doesn't take him long to get refreshed in the morning, a quick shower to wake him up before he brushes his teeth and washes his face, exiting the bathroom and heading toward the kitchen while he checks his phone. a couple unread messages from sorin letting him know she's heading out for the day for a last minute client meeting (god forbid, on a saturday) and she'll try to catch him before he leaves for his shift.
( sms: sorin 😘) missed you this morning :( have a good day and see you later tonight
he types a quick response before moving on to the next thread from an unknown number, he's usually skeptical but this is a text he has been waiting to receive. the central part of his christmas gift to sorin is ready for pickup later this afternoon, just in time for him to finish the gift itself before she comes home or he has to leave.
maybe he isn't so screwed after all.
december 22, 2021
the kitchen is a disaster and it's almost comical.
baking christmas cookies at 10pm sounded like a good idea until sungho realized while sorin can't cook, she is almost even worse at baking. the state of their kitchen is what he thinks a warzone would have looked like had he lived through one. bowls are everywhere, messy ingredients spill across the counter and sungho can't tell whether he should laugh or shake his head in disappointment. he lands on the decision that neither would make the situation any better or make sorin happy so he simply places two hands on her shoulder and gently nudges her away from the counter and towards the edges of their kitchen.
"why don't i take care of the rest of this, yeah? you go take a break on the couch and i'll let you know when the cookies are done so we can decorate." she probably pouts at him shooing her out of the kitchen but he plants a quick kiss on her lips to make it all better. she huffs but obliges and sungho turns to face the abundance of dishes needing his attention and he sighs deeply before rolling up his sleeves.
a good fifteen minutes must have passed and he's near done when the timer rings, signalling their baked goods are ready to be taken from the oven. he exchanges his dish washing gloves for baking gloves, turning the timer off with his non-gloved hand and opening the door to the oven, a heat wave rushing out that causes him to take a step back. he then carefully leans forward and takes each baking pan from the oven and placing them on the counter before he skilfully transfers the parchment paper filled with sugar cookies from each of the two pans to the cooling racks he had previously set up on the stove.
sungho calls her over as the cookies begin to cool and he finds her child-like reaction the most adorable thing he has seen all day. setting up for decorating is simple; thank god for store-bought items, he thinks. and that is how they spend the rest of their night, icing on cookies, sometimes on each other, christmas music in the background as snow falls heavily outside the window. he has an endearing look on his face every time he looks over and sees sorin concentrating on her piece and despite not being able to actually take a picture of this moment, he takes a mental snapshot for the memories.
december 23, 2021
last night's baking session left the house with a lingering sweet scent as sungho makes his way to the kitchen, rubbing away any leftover sleep in his eyes. he takes a cookie from the cookie jar and munches on that as he starts up a pot of coffee-- the mix of two scents are heavenly in his opinion. he's scrolling his phone and leaning with one side against the countertop when he hears a slight shuffle of feet against the floor and a pair of arms wrap themselves around his torso, he feels sorin bury her face in his back and he chuckles. setting his phone aside, he grabs ahold of her arms and gently untangle them from his torso as he turns himself around to face her, "morning sleepyhead." he mumbles into the crown of her head as he leaves a soft kiss there, his arms wrapping themselves around her shoulders in a warm hug. there's something incoherent that she says, face too far buried into his chest for him to make out the words but she doesn't pull away so he can at least tell she isn't complaining.
their morning is rather lazy, with both of them not having work the motivation to do anything is lacking. breakfast is simple, eggs and toast with coffee and a cooking from the night before. the rest of the day is spent cuddling on the couch flipping through channels on tv, at some point they make their way to the bedroom for a mid-day nap before waking up just in time for an early dinner. neither of them are up for cooking so they settle for delivery from a nearby restaurant, soup for the cold weather. more time is spent together though it doesn't seem even close to being enough when sungho gets called in to the hospital for an emergency and he is forced to bid sorin farewell for the night. he's the one pouting now but he can't say no, so he quickly takes a few more bites of his meal before changing into his scrubs and grabbing his work bag. she tells him to drive safe and work hard, he nods and says of course and that he will be back soon.
december 24, 2021
christmas eve creeps up on them like a ghost and sungho barely notices as he works overtime at the hospital, car crashes are the theme of the night. he only realizes the date and time when he catches a quick snack break and a fellow intern asks him if his girlfriend is pissed he has to spend christmas eve at the hospital. shit! he thinks. but he knows sorin understands the nature of his job and would never get angry at him for something like this that he cannot control. despite this, he sends her a few quick texts anyway before getting called back to work.
( sms: sorin 😘) omg baby i'm so sorry, i didn't even realize the time had passed so fast
( sms: sorin 😘) i should be able to leave soon and still spend the rest of christmas eve (and christmas) with you
( sms: sorin 😘) hope you're sleeping well, i love you ❤️
most of the rest of his shift is rather calm and he clocks out "on time", if you can call working almost 5 hours of overtime leaving on time. he's tired to the point that driving seems unsafe and in the interest of arriving home safe and also for the other cars on the road, he takes a quick power nap in the break room. he exchanges "merry christmas!" and "happy holidays!" with a few fellow doctors and nurses before he knocks out like a light.
december 25, 2021
"merry christmas baby, i love you."
sungho presents her his gift, a two-parter. he tells her to unwrap the smaller box first, nudging it towards her as he watches her carefully unwrap the christmas themed wrapping paper. he had figured she would rather have something useful than not, at least for one part of the gift so he had bought her a new handbag to replace her daily one, big enough to fit any documents she would need to carry but not too large to be bulky. he takes it that she enjoys the gift when she tries it on immediately, slinging the strap over her shoulder and walks with giddy footsteps over to the mirror beside their door. he calls for her to come back for a second, that her gift is done yet. this is the part he's excited about, the part he worked hard on. it's a slightly odd shape, too big to be wall art but too small to just be one framed photo. he laughs at her guesses and simply urges her to unwrap it. so she does, and underneath the wrapping paper appears a big photo frame with multiple mini frames that each hold a photo from each step of their lives together.
"it's like...our story, you know?"
he tries to explain the flow, the beginning picture from their childhood years when she would play with inyoung while he was over at the kim's household playing with inho. he doesn't know where the photo came from but he's happy to have it, a cherished memory of a time they hadn't really known of each others existence and would't have thought much of the other, but look at them now. the pictures that follow are them over the years, of course there are gaps when they had momentarily departed from each others lives but the important thing is that they came back together in the end. the last picture, the most recent, is the one he took at the beginning of the month when they had been decorating the apartment for the holidays. it's silly, it's abnormal, but it's very much them.
to set the scene: it's the eighth month of the year, temperatures are at their peak, and the world is free from every day stressors for just a moment as rays of sunshine illuminate the river.
han river has always been a spot sungho claims is far too cliché, where friends and lovers go when they can’t be bothered to put actual thought into an activity. not to mention a picnic by the river where kids and dogs are running around without a care in the world? he’d rather not. yet when sorin suggested they spend the afternoon lounging by the water instead of heading home, he can’t say no; it’s her, he can never turn down anything she requests. so that’s how he finds himself renting a picnic mat from one of the nearby vendors where he learns that if he had walked just a tad slower, he would have left empty handed as he managed to snag the last one. he leaves down his phone number and turns to head back to sorin with a satisfied smile on his lips.
he spots her exactly where they had parted ways and he thinks she looks radiant as ever under the sun despite her previous complaints about how gross the weather is and how it had been making her feel icky all day. sungho had laughed and made a comment about how he can’t believe she wants to spend the day outdoors if she’s complaining so much. that earned him a light smack on the chest; well deserved, he thinks. and so he’s lightly jogging over to her, enveloping her in his arms as he mumbles a soft “hi ~” into her ear. she playfully swats him away and rolls her eyes but he catches a smile appear on her lips, even if it’s just for a brief moment. with an airy laugh he lets go of her, opting to hold her hand instead as he gently tugs her towards the grass, eyes searching for an empty spot. they land on an area not too far from the water and lucky for them, it’s a good lengths away from the big parties full of lively children.
“over there!” he’s pointing with their interlocked hands, his steps quickening but making sure she can keep up. they reach the aforementioned spot in mere moments and he lets go of their hands to unravel the flimsy rental picnic mat, giving it a good shake before laying it down on the grass and urging her forward to take a seat. they’re still missing things, namely liquids to keep them hydrated under the scorching heat. that’s the downside of spontaneous ideas. she’s looking at him, wondering why he’s still standing and he shoots her a soft smile, “i’ll be right back, i’m gonna head to the convenience store over there and grab us some water and snacks.” he points to the little store nestled perfectly between the edge of the grassy field and the sidewalk. when she nods to acknowledge his words he heads off, thankful for his long legs that make the walk shorter than it would be for most.
the blast of air conditioning hits sungho right in the face when the automatic sliding door opens and he swears he has never felt anything better. it’s crowded but such is to be expected, whether it’s people hiding from the heat or people actually shopping for necessities. he, of course, falls into the latter category (mostly) so he elbows his way through the sea of people and manages to snag a couple bottles of water from the fridge and some chips and candy from the shelves. being picky isn’t entirely an option at the moment, not when it’s him against the entire rest of the store as everyone is shuffling to grab something anything for their party, but he still manages to pick out things sorin will like. he somehow makes it to the counter and makes payment quickly, a tap of his phone (thank the lord for technology) before he’s practically being pushed out by the other shoppers, the cool air soon replaced with the stickiness of the summer day.
”i’m back and i come bearing gifts.” he announces as he walks up to their spot, pressing the cold water bottle to sorin’s exposed neck. she yelps softly at the contact and he laughs, taking a seat next to her after slipping off his shoes and doing the same to himself, though the coldness of the water has started to wear off in the blazing heat. the snacks drop down onto the mat in between them and out of the corner of his eye he spots her inspecting them. “i got your favourites, don’t worry.” there’s that smile of her he loves with a slight twinkle in her eyes, she’s looking like a child in a candy store and he finds her utterly adorable. he slips off his outer shirt, a light blue short-sleeve button up, leaving him in just a simple white t-shirt. he rolls the button up before he places it strategically on the mat so if she were to lie down, her head would fit perfectly atop it. “lie down.” he prompts, using his head to motion towards the garment. when she does, he removes his hand and uses it to shield his eyes from the sun rays.
they stay in silence after that but one of their hands always remain interlocked like a gross high school couple except they’re in their mid-twenties. the silence is never awkward though, no, it’s comfortable. he looks over at her every now and then and he’s sure she does the same, he even catches her one or two times but chooses not to say anything or tease her for it like usual. and in their silence, the laughter of children and barking of dogs ring loud, mixed with the sound of soft tidal movements from the river and squawking of birds above. the stickiness of the summer heat is becoming harder and harder to bear and he’s wishing they were back at home with air conditioning to ease the unpleasantry he feels in the less than ideal weather. but he looks over to sorin, clearly enjoying herself with a little smile on her face, eyes closed against the sunlight and absentmindedly the same smile appears on his face as well. he realizes at that moment that he would go through all unpleasantries the world has to offer if it meant he could be with her.
if you’ve ever felt alone in a sea of people, you would understand the feelings of kim jinhee that very moment. she feels lost amidst the crowds of fellow shoppers making their way around the shopping centre in search of their necessities, and the longer she stands at the entrance, the more she feels this way; but lucky for her she has someone to help her hold her ground-- to anchor her, even. turning her head to the left, her gaze hovers over bogum momentarily as she takes in his presence in his life, one that doesn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. it’s a bit difficult for her to take it all in, but she’s trying, for everyone’s sake.
“bogum-ah, i think the baby things are that way.”
she tugs on his arm to catch his attention, her free hand pointing to their right where a line of stores carrying baby items can be seen. it’s an odd situation that she’s in that she needs to be shopping for such things, but she can only blame herself for not being careful enough. ...and not strong enough to face the reality, having to drag bogum into this as well. it’s all her fault, really, with her old habits never seeming to die but she knows she can’t go back now.
out of pure comfort for herself, her hand slides down his arm to reach for his hand, with her intertwining their fingers and taking in a deep breath.
you can do this, jinhee.
“let’s go, we have...a lot to get done today.”
it feels odd to say such things, but before she knows it, she’s stepping towards the stores and taking yet another step towards a possible future.
they’re taking a trip to the doctor’s and bogum can’t help but feel like his chest is tightening up even more with each moment that passes. he actually doesn’t feel like the home test is incorrect, but he knows that once the doctor confirms the news, it will be more official. so he sits in silence, unsure of what to say to the girl beside him.
his eyes stare out the window, unable to make eye contact with the girl who is now likely the mother of his child. how did this happen? that single question continues to swirl in his mind since the moment she shares the news. however, he tells himself that if they’re engaging in those sorts of activities, the possibility is always there. he couldn’t be so naive as to think it’s impossible and that, just because it’s him, it won’t happen.
“hm?” he finally turns his head when she speaks. he sighs softly, unsure of how to answer her questions because it very much is real and that’s all he can think. instead, he releases her hand and wraps his arm around her shoulder, pulling her to him. “if it’s real, then it’s real,” he whispers gently, stroking her hair. suddenly, the cab came to a stop, causing bogum to nearly hyperventilate once again. “this is us,” he notes as he pulls out a few bills to pay the cab driver before opening the door and helping jinhee out of the car.
while his answer should have relaxed her, calmed her nerves in regards to situation, the idea of it all being real is too much for her and had she not been in the taxi already, jinhee would have turned right around and walked back home. but there’s no time to back out now, especially not when the taxi pulls up to the hospital and bogum is already paying the driver for the trip. she meekly thanks the driver before stepping out of the vehicle, with much of bogum’s help. ever the gentleman, he is.
she takes in a deep breath before closing the car door behind her, her free hand instinctively reaching for the male’s as a hint of comfort. bogum is the only sense of normalcy she has at the moment and even he...well, even he isn’t the most normal. it’s out of the ordinary for her to be like this on its own, she’s normally anything but meek and scared but the situation she they’re in has her fearing for the future. the ‘what if’ implications of an actual pregnancy and what impact that could have on her career-- it’s all too real and scary to process, so she doesn’t. at least not for now.
for now she focuses on the present, leading them both into the building and checking in at the front counter where she states her name and reason for being in the hospital. she urges bogum to take a seat first while she signs a few forms, with her joining him not long after. almost out of habit, she rests her head on his shoulder and doesn’t say a word for a moment, just letting herself breathe in and out as she rests against him-- her lover, if she could call him that. she reaches over and takes one of his hands, intertwining their fingers, yet still not looking at him as she stays with her head positioned on his shoulder.
“do you think i’ll be a good mother? you know, if this is all real, that is.”
the day had finally come, the day where jinhee would have to come to terms with the reality that she can already sense is real; that she bears a child in her and that in nine months, she will be a mother. her hand tightens around bogum’s as they both sit quietly in the backseat of a taxi, the sound of the radio echoing in the absence of words exchanged by the two. the driver had attempted conversation with them a couple of times but by the third attempt, it became evident that small talk is off the table.
she looks over at him for a second, eyes averting to the outside scenery not long after. she doesn’t know what to say in a moment like this for she is conflicted on how to feel. scenarios flash through her mind of what was impending and each one scares her more than the first. it’s a funny thought that the kim jinhee would be caught in a situation like this when her usual personality is far more outgoing-- wild even.
“bogum-ah..” she starts to speak, voice soft and cracked. she doesn’t want to admit she’s scared, it isn’t something that jinhee would do normally but it can be agreed by anyone that this is a stretch from being normal. there’s a thought that she still has time to back out from this test, that maybe they don’t have to know-- but each time she looks over at him and then down at her stomach, she knows that isn’t an option. “i’m scared. what if all this is real?”
bogum wasn’t too sure he could really, well, sleep after such an eventful day. at least, not immediately right now. however, seeing as she was a pregnant woman, she did need her rest, did she not? all he could do was nod his head and stand up with her. was this what it was going to be like from now on? they were going to become this boring couple with no life because of a kid. a kid they had never even planned from the start.
her words were almost laughable, if not due to the situation they were in now. “of course,” he simply mumbled, following her lead. “do you … think i could shower first?” he needed to do something to clear his thoughts, and perhaps that was what might help. he didn’t even have clothes here ( or did he? ). “i don’t remember … if i ever left anything around?” this was so silly. they were in no position to have this child. and yet, he couldn’t really see any other alternatives about this. he couldn’t just be that guy who left cause he couldn’t handle it.
he waited for her to say something before moving to the bathroom to get the water running. even if she said no, he would have come here anyway. he just … needed the space right now. the water seemed to take forever to heat up before he was finally able to step inside, letting the scalding hot water just hit him. he wanted to cry ( and yet he didn’t ). what were these conflicting emotions that he was feeling? he just didn’t know.
he stood in the shower for maybe thirty minutes, if not more, before returning to her. he crawled in on one side of the bed and just laid there for a moment, not even sure if he should initiate any skinship. this was too confusing. he didn’t know what to do, for reals. it was the first time he was really at a loss.
before she can even nod as a response while leading them both upstairs, he’s gone. she stands alone in the hall and stares blankly towards the bathroom where he is headed. his questions ring in her ear and only then does she move towards her bedroom. she remembers having one of his shirts lying around somewhere from a time when she had the sudden urge to do something girlfriend-like. so she wore his shirt and kept it ever since then, and she doesn’t even think he remembers.
while he showers she digs through her closet for the said shirt, finally finding it neatly folded on top of a few of her sleepwear outfits. she slowly takes it out and holds it in her hands, feeling the fabric against the tip of her fingers and remembering all the glorious moments of theirs. she figures that those moments will mold into their life now, their future-- even if one day she’ll have to come forward to him with the truth. but she thinks that can wait. she quickly walks out of her room and leaves the shirt on the doorknob to her bathroom door before slipping back into her room and under the covers once she changes into her nightgown.
her eyes are closed but she’s far from asleep. in fact, she’s more awake than she can remember being for the past few nights where sleep had come naturally to her. she feels the bed shift and a sudden weight falling onto the other side and she knows he’s done showering. she doesn’t know what to expect from a moment like this-- is he going to wrap his arms around her like he usually does when he stays over? the answer to that question comes quick when he does nothing. and had it been any other night she would have been fine with that, just falling asleep in the same bed. but tonight she needed his arms around her so she takes it upon herself to initiate the contact, body flipping around so she faces him and her arms wrapping themselves around his waist as she rests her head against his chest. his steady breathing calms him and she mumbles a soft ‘thank you’ before falling into a deep slumber.
----------------------------------------------------------- END ----------------------------------------------------------
she would give him another chance, he was sure of it. this would just be another bump on the road. leading toward a more secure future. after his internship concludes and once he enters into his residency, he could make time for her. all she needed to do was wait for one more year. and then he’d come home on time – giving her all the attention she craves and deserves.
“i know – fuck, i know. i fucked up bad, jinhee. please, i need you to believe me –” i can’t live without you.
everyone was always envious – how could two people fit so perfectly together? even he was in constant awe of her before. when did they become like this? when did all the broken promises start? he couldn’t remember the last time he came home before nine. it was all a blur. everything prior to the mess – too good to be true. as if it’s now a fairytale locked and stowed away in a book they would never be able to open again. their happy ending ceasing to exist.
then she pushed him away for the first time and he felt his heart breaking. his ears ringing from the shock of her words. his arms loosely falling to his side, staring directly at her, but not being able to fully register what she was saying. it had be a joke? it wasn’t true – it can’t be. how could she give up? they were jonghyun and jinhee, they were supposed to get married, have kids, build a house together, grow old… and she wanted to throw all of that away?
“baby, no, you don’t mean it. don’t you dare fucking say that!” he took a few steps away, turning his back against her, hands rubbing his forehead before looking at her again. “don’t – i need you. i need you – you don’t mean it.”
he knows the mistakes he’s made, she’s well aware of that fact, but that alone isn’t enough to rectify the situation-- not anymore. once upon a time she had seen a future with the man before her, one where she would be happy, where they both would be happy. so where had it gone wrong? she thinks back to when he had first courted her and she hadn’t wanted to give him the time of day. she was kim jinhee, she doesn’t give just anyone the time of day. but the more he tried the more she felt his sincerity and that had been where it all began. where they had began-- jonghyun and jinhee, the pair that was meant to be.
but looking at their broken relationship now, she wouldn’t have believed they had once been so perfect if she hadn’t lived the moments herself. she’s just as upset as he is and she’s lost in her own thoughts, brought back to reality by his voice raising. she bites her lip as she watches him take a few steps, then turning his back towards her. she didn’t want this, she truly didn’t. she didn’t know what to do. he meets his eye when he begins to speak once again, her brows knitting at his words. he needs her?
“you need me.”
i need you too.
there’s a light scoff, one so quiet that it barely made a noise against the silent backdrop of their fight. perhaps its her disappointment fuelling her at the moment but the idea that he needs her sounds selfish, it sounds as if he isn’t thinking of her at all and what she needs. and of course, she tells him just that. her voice is quiet to start, barely a whisper.
“you can need me all you want, but what about when i need you? you can’t promise that you’ll be able to be there for me, can you? i’ve been alone on too many nights to just let this go, i can’t...”
bogum isn’t sure what she means by her words. why wouldn’t she want to marry? it only seems natural that that would make sense as the next course of action. “i see, i just assumed it would be best if the child has both his or her parents,” he points out, but suddenly, she’s telling him that she doesn’t want to discuss this now, and he doesn’t know what else to say. it has to be discussed at some point, and he hopes that they figure out sooner rather than later.
he sighs as she pulls him close, his hands running through her hair in a soothing manner. it’s hard to imagine that he’s created a child with her. “it’s okay,” he whispers, over and over again. except that he doesn’t really know if it is really okay. his heart is pounding in his chest still, and he’s not sure how to change things.
“so, what should we do next?” he can’t help but ask. it is a logical question, is it not? or should he just shut up? was that what he should do? he is at a loss for words ( not that uncommon for him, but still … ), and the silence is a bit overbearing. it’s the only reason why he wants to keep chattering, except that he doesn’t know what else to say.
she senses that he’s confused by her objection to marriage. but what can she do? she isn’t about to bend over backwards for him just for the sake of a child that she doesn’t even know is actually his. then again, out of the handful of options for men she has to pick from, bogum is very clearly the best option. he proves just that by running his hands through her hair, by comforting her in a way that she’s well aware no other man would do for her; not in this state.
“we...” she trails off while gently pushing herself away from his embrace so she can straighten up, fingers reaching upwards towards her face to wipe away any stray tears. she must look like a nightmare, and she doesn’t even want to imagine what bogum thinks of her now. but...he mustn’t think of her in too bad a light if he’s willing to stay, right? it’s an unanswered question, one that she can’t-- or won’t-- look for an answer to because she’s afraid. “we should try and get some sleep.”
it’s unlikely that either of them would really sleep tonight, not after hearing such shocking news, but there isn’t anything more she can do. she isn’t about to sit on the couch for the rest of the night and have questions thrown her way when she isn’t even clear of the current situation. she knows him, she knows that eventually he’ll bring up the topic of marriage once more and she doesn’t think she can deal with a talk like that tonight-- or any night for that matter. so she reaches for his hand, careful not to intertwine their fingers and she gets up from the couch. she then looks back down at him with a small smile, the only one she could muster then.
she was mad, so mad – he placed his coat and bag on the counter. “i know, i know–” he didn’t know what else to say. he had already disappointed her so much. there was nothing he could do to relieve it other than let herself cool down on her own. maybe she would be better off without him? but he knew he would be worse without her. “i’m an intern. if i pass up on an opportunity to do surgery, it makes me look bad–” he stopped, knowing it wouldn’t help alleviate the situation.
“i’m sorry – baby please.” he took a few careful steps forward. he knew his words wouldn’t be able to make it right. he would have to prove himself. the last thing he wanted was a break up. he wouldn’t be able to deal with anything without her. he reached for her arms, unravelling them, holding both hands between his own. bringing the tips of her fingers to his lips, mumbling – “i’m sorry.”
“i promise this will be the last time. i won’t make you miss anymore meetings, i won’t keep you waiting.” all promises he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep.
“i’ll take more days off.” would he be able to sacrifice his career for her? he pulled her into a hug. “you do know how much i love you, right?” he hopes she does. “i love you and you deserve better than how i’ve been treating you. i don’t want to fight anymore. i’ll do anything to make it right.”
she understands, to a certain extent, putting work first-- she’s the same way at times but she knows when to draw the line and when she needs to put him first. or at least she thinks she does. in reality, it’s most likely that if she had been in the same position, she would have done the same and come home only to make excuses that even she wouldn’t want to believe. looking away from him she’s about to walk away, head towards the kitchen where she could busy herself with packing the untouched food away but he grabs her hand before she can even move an inch.
“you can’t promise that this will be the last time, every single time. i can’t keep believing you anymore.”
taking in a deep breath she wriggles her hands out of his, letting them dangle down by her side as they once had been. she remembers what they were like before the fights, before their occupations got in the way. they had been that couple, the one everyone knew of on campus and were green with envy over. people had high hopes for the two of them, often calling them the ‘power couple’ for the occupations both were headed towards. in short, they had been in love and everyone could see it. but are they anymore?
when he pulls her in for a hug she bites her bottom lip, her arms wanting to wrap themselves around his torso out of habit, though she knows she shouldn’t-- she can’t. his words give her hope for a split second that maybe things will be alright, but she’s brought back down to reality quicker than she even knows is possible. “i don’t want to fight either but i don’t think we can keep going like this.” she gently pushes him away, but her hands remain stationed at his shoulders as she looks him in the eye.
”i don’t think i can do this anymore, jonghyun. us...it’s tiring, fighting all the time and getting my hopes up for you to be here when i need you. i’m tired.”
it all seems like a dream. or rather, nightmare would be the better word to use. he pinches himself to make sure he isn’t asleep, but it nearly causes him to yelp at the sudden pain that he has just inflicted on himself. then again, the emotional stress is even greater than his physical pain, and it leaves him just … bewildered.
he knows he can still back out, but he also knows that he will always hate himself if he does. jinhee is his girlfriend. he’s made that commitment and he knows he needs to keep on it. “okay,” he notes, his voice barely above a whisper as he just looks at her.
he’s always imagined his life to have been more orthodox. dating, marriage, then babies. somehow, that’s all flipped upside down. “should we … get married?” he can’t help but ask. after all, it might be what their families would insist upon, right? at least, he knows his own parents would want something like that, but he also didn’t want to pressure her. oh, were there any right answers in this situation?
she whips her head up to look at him the instant he mentions marriage, something that hadn’t been on her itinerary just yet. jinhee had always assumed she would live her life as a free-spirit, not being tied down to anyone-- heck, look at her and bogum, they’re together but not together and that seems to frustrate all their mutual friends. she can’t help it though, for that is simply who she is and she doesn’t think she can change herself so suddenly.
with her sudden silence, she can only assume that thoughts must be going through the male’s head at the speed of light. not wanting to leave him hanging any longer, she shakes her head (albeit slowly). “i don’t...i don’t think that’s necessary.” she doesn’t think she could live with herself if she married the man before her, all the while having him believe her baby is his. at least not until she makes sure of that fact. a sigh leaves her parched lips as she looks into his eyes once more. “we can discuss marriage at a later date, okay? this is just all too much for me right now. i’m sorry...”
no she isn’t.
as if to make up for her rejection to his suggestion of marriage, she brings her arms around his shoulders across the couch, pulling him closer to her as she digs her face into his chest. she mumbles something incoherent as she lets a few more sobs through. it’s exactly what she needs at this moment, to be in his arms.
snowghoul
theartofmadeline
