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This post is going to be a lot of emotional blabber I'm not even going to proof read it and there's probably dozens of errors but I'm on a car ride home with my grandmother and my mother and I'm trying not to break down and scream because my family isn't telling my grandma what's really happening so I have to keep it cool until We get home and I can lock myself away. I mentioned earlier I get relief by putting my words and thoughts down even if it's by paper or my secret blog because not everyone needs to know what I'm going through and no one likes a Princess that carries drama along with them but I honestly need emotional support more than ever at this point of time. I hate to make this about me because that's the last thing I want to do in my families situation. To be completely honest the last 2 months have been a complete roller coaster for me mentally. I hit highs and I hit some lows but I feel I'm in an all time low currently. Which is exactly why I deactivated this account for a month and a half For the last 2 months I've been going places I shouldn't, Substance abusing, going to sketchy parts of cities, and walking streets alone at odd hours of the night sobbing with the mind set "If someone kills me right now It wouldn't even matter to me anymore" and that's no way to live at all. Yes I've put on the front of "I'm so happy" "I'm doing this and going here" "I'm snapping here and doing this" but it was all a cover up. I've been having anxiety attacks back to back some feeling like its the complete end of the world A lot of you are probably thinking "what's triggering this?" "Why don't you seek help" and I know my source of all this stress but I'm not going to talk about it. (respect that please). I've been battling my own demons in my own head and things finally started to shape up and I felt I was ready to come back into being completely social and going out in groups of people again. I'm currently running off two hours of sleep and don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight. Waking up this morning was walking into a nightmare I wake up to my phone ringing and it's my grandmas telling me to run next door my grandpas on the floor and he's not responsive verbally or physically but he's breathing. I physically felt my world crash down on my shoulders but kept my calm to assist him and call 911 and get the paramedics here. G "My grandfather" had a stroke last night estimated around 2am. My grandmother woke up to him shaking and assumed he was having a nightmare because he was perfectly fine the entire day. When she woke up at 6 this morning she found him on the floor and called me to help her pick him up naturally I called 911. To semi fast forward depending on how tonight's operations go and how he puts up in intensive care deliberates how things are going to go. Right now it's looking like its going to go one of two ways 1. He's going to live but he's going to be a vegetable because his stroke was at 2am and he didn't get help until around 6:30 am. He only reason he's still alive is because of how strong his heart is 2. He's not going to make it. We will find out by tomorrow Some but not many of you know how close me and G were he played the role as my father since my dad was never around. He was my Dad my best friend and taught me everything I know. He taught me Spanish, he taught me how to drive, and walk as a baby. My grandpa was the strongest male figure I've ever had in my life and I'm thankful I had someone like him to take on that role and stick to it. Those who know my grandpa know he was hilarious but always looked so angry but was welcoming to my close friends when they came over and always cracked about our shitty beer. He was a great man. BUT A THOUGH ASS NIGGA that's why I nicknamed him G for gangsta. If there's ever a chance you get ask me how he kicked a solicitors ass 10 years ago. To look at a positive I'm happy that on Tuesday night me and my grandpa had a heart to heart I'll never forget and will always have it in my heart. I'm happy that on Tuesday night I was the last person to talk to him in depth and see him put out his feelings and talk about his youth and his passions and his first love. I'm also I happy I got the chance to tell him how much I love him and how much he meant to me and I'm happy I got to thank him for all he's done for me growing up and looking out for me even though I'm the biggest pain in the ass anyone could ever have to deal with. He sealed with my bullshit for half a decade!!!!! We ended Tuesday night with a hug and he opened the door and walked me into my house as he said he loved me very much even though he was always rough on the outside. I just never thought that would be the last time I'd ever hear his voice or feel him hug me but I'm so thankful and so happy I shared that moment with him and I'll never forget it. I don't know if anyone will read through this entirely but if you did thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please just send me some love and support through this rough time and always tell someone you love them because it can always be your last. Thank you.

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