my messy brain @xmypersonaljournalx - Tumblr Blog

a-poets-darling

"Aphrodite," I plead to the moon drenched night sky

"Tell me; if love is meant to heal, then why does it destroy those who choose it?"

From somewhere beyond the clouds, I heard the Goddess laugh.

And I knew.

- Nikita Gill, Night Songs To Aphrodite

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Missing you is the hardest thing I have got to deal with everyday.

Tuesday, 26th of April 2022, 9.31 pm

It’s been a while since we opened this all and decided to write what is on our mind. It’s the first time I open the app and write but my heart is aching and I need to let me thoughts flow. I am confronted by pictures and videos of my best friend and missing him grows more and more each day.. I am with the one I love now though, yet I had people telling me something otherwise and now they make me feel torn and pushed aside. Maybe I should learn to ignore them because that is what ever smart person would do, yet, you listen to them because it’s like they know more than you.

Current song playing: what a time ~ Julia Michaels ft Niall Horan.

What motivates you?

My friends, people close to me and the ones I love. Yes there is someone that I love more than my friends and family.

dearly

Dollface 1x05

xmypersonaljournalx

Why do I have a feeling that he’s basically Reid in this show

August 31st 2020 11:03 PM

// Never thought I would be back now did you? Well I didn’t either. Let me tell you my mind at this point. TW don’t be here if you can’t cope with anxiety, depression or an eating disorder very well. \\

So there’s this song called F2020 by Avenue Beat, and truthfully I have been feeling that way as well god I am so done with everything. Mentally I am falling apart and I don’t even want to wake up anymore after one bad thing or one bad moment in the upcoming days this year will give me.

So we as a family found out my mother has cancer the 29th of June, which was my first downfall in life. My bond with my parents have never been the best but I am honestly.. so petrified of losing them and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Mother dearest has gotten her surgery last Friday and she is recovering so that is the good part of her side of the story just today. It is a mess.

Today, 11 days after my sister’s 18th birthday we found out she has to many fluids in her brain and that she might need surgery we just don’t know when or whatever. I know I need to be strong because I am the only one in this family that has everyone’s back and it is killing me seeing everyone so sad, yet here I am contemplating things that will make so many people sad and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just I want to be numb.

With all the things that has happened since June my body is slowly dying, I am telling everyone I am okay, smiling whenever they expect me to and keeping the demons in me down until I am alone. The voices get louder and all they do is scream. Giving me many reason to just, say a final goodbye letting people go of the demon that I am.

I don’t make people as happy as I think I do. I mean I know I don’t they don’t have a reason to be happy with me. What for happiness can I give someone? My nights end up with me crying myself to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night due to either a nightmare, anxiety attack or just straight up panic attack. Can’t I just take some pills, take a good deep nap and never be up again? Is that just an option?

Now the eating disorder. So if you know me you know I hate eating with people, in front of people etc. etc, well now I just hate eating again. I try and stay hydrated which also isn’t going smoothly but eating is going bad as well. I just I don’t know how to continue everything as said many times before. I will just take each day as it goes and won’t jump off the edge even though it sounds so tempting.

Goodnight.