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hi everyone!! it’s your pal KAY LOVELACE.

i don’t post here that often anymore seemingly, follow me on twitter at @neoeno if you would like to keep up with me!

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disturbing hand trix

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wowwww ok

so:

+ my commitment is pretty low rn. i’ve been missing a lot of stuff, just because there’s more interesting stuff to do. i think maybe i’ve become busier than i’ve ever been before

and maybe that means i have to start saying no to things. finally! i’ve never really had to do that before.

recently read ‘getting things done’ rephrased as ‘not getting things done’, e.g. you can just decide not to do a lot of things! which seems good

i have an idea that maybe being ‘busy’ is just a symptom of change — people can pretty much deal with a steady amount of stuff, regardless if it’s a lot or not much. but when it goes up or down dramatically then stuff goes wrong.

all that said — my flat is really full of cardboard and i need to sort my shit out. i’m in danger of becoming one of those people who are brilliant but who can’t manage their own lives u kno. honestly. i can see 15 cardboard boxes from where i’m sitting.

+ work/life balance is really weird lately. i’m literally so absorbed in my job that i want to do it in my free time. which is fine but like... the cardboard. also i feel like it sets me up for a fall a little bit? like i should be using my time better too.

+ i might start thinking about my professional development. i think maybe i’d like to be a bit more known. maybe talk at some things, maybe write some stuff, etc etc. i think maybe i’ll find some things i can say worth hearing, or learn some. it’ll be cool maybe.

+ i learned a bunch about closures today! woo!!!!

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just me looking awkward cute with my white balance sheet

+ new cohort tomorrow! woo i’m an educator

+ also now i think i have a better idea what software design is and how we do it! woo

+ saw some cool people in the last 7 days! woo

+ woo

ok bye!!!

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still level: photograph

+ commitment tracking is going well — 100% so far! which isn’t the point but still. clawing back self-trust bit by bit. need to start putting some more stuff in there

+ i still really feel like i want short hair. i’m still not making any immediate plans to do so

+ i discovered something i wrote about being a software dev back when i was a mere 14 years of age. it reads fairly comically to me now. i posted it because it’s fun to post these things i think: me at 14 sitting in a dark room writing about everything not everything

+ saw my pal this weekend! it was neat

+ my mouth hurts. i’ve bought some new new toothpaste to see if that makes any difference. maybe

+ i’m DISTRACTABLE

BYE

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lately i’ve become really interested in short hair again but i can’t decide if i’ll get short hair again and hate it so i’m just going to try putting my hair up more and see if i can be happy. i feel like i look a bit fem here somehow???? i mean it’s not like instantly masc so.

i’ve been changing a bunch of stuff. feel like i’m in a real growth phase. examples:

• I’ve realised my main life issue right now is not being able to trust myself to do things I resolve to do. as such i’ve decided to focus on this and keep track of all the things i tell myself to do and whether i do them. e.g.

that’s the percentage of things i’ve said I’ll do that I’ve actually done. doing pretty well so far today! the important thing is to focus on that specific thing. if i can trust myself again i think i will feel better.

• work is getting a bit easier, i think

• i realised my exercise routine, which was supposed to be making my mental health better, was making it worse. so i’ve ditched it entirely. we’ll see if it gets resumed in a happier form. hopefully as i learn commitment again i’ll feel more ready for routines like that.

• I’ve started writing again, more casually, on medium. just small stuff, low commitment but i think it’ll make me feel good and owt over nowt and all that. here’s one:

you are watching me through my laptop camera. i love you nsa agent i love you and i don’t want cover you with a folded-up post-it note i just wish you would tell me who you are. please arrive at my door tomorrow at 7pm. we can leave. we can go away and you can tell me about what you’ve seen and then we’ll smash our laptops and our phones and then buy new ones and then smash them too like that scene in that godard film where they crash the car and the lights are all different colours

maybe you’re a robot by now but please still come please please please i won’t be disappointed i promise

feels much happier, freer, more fun, like when i was writing do you believe in lief after loev.

anyway check me out if you want https://medium.com/@neoeno

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You are so cute and inspiring

thx!!! have i inspired anyone? i haven’t converted my first questioning proto-trans person yet which is a shame but i guess i’ve still got a lot of time

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You look great!! Amazing hair <3

<3 💆🏻 <-- most posi hair-related emoji could find

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omg!! I hadn't checked your blog in awhile and your current haircut is sooo cute and flattering

thanks mystery follower!! <3 i think i like it too

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Holy fucking shit you're really cute

thx <3 <3 you’re pretty cute too greyface

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bored and want attention ask me anything send me anons tell me i;m cute etc etc

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+ super pain-y this week. oh well. [redacted] i guess what I mean is a substantial (in the tens of percent) proportion of my life I spend dealing with what feels like ‘significant’ pain, and trying to manage its impact on activities e.g. eating, talking, smiling, sex etc. so it has a significant impact on my life.

+ anyway i switched my toothpaste to an SLS-free one so maybe that’ll help. or it won’t! we’ll see.

+ been wrestling with my parting all week. fringes are pretty tough on me but i hope i will find its place!!!

+ getting my T/E bloods done tomorrow. looking forward to that!

+ went to try out a new electrologist. so, so much better. no tugging, plus just seemed far more like actual electrolysis & electrologists. plus so much more available. got an hour on tuesday eve, having booked yesterday. /and/ i didn’t have to keep phoning up for whenever their reception decides to be available!

+ means i am actually, finally, going to make progress on facial hair removal. thnkfck.

+ my photo from last week got ~120 upvotes on that awful forum. ayyyy real trans girl now

goals for week 3 review:

* exercise once — ain’t done it, but am going to tonight

* do literally any drawing — did

* set an alarm to wind down my workday at 6pm — did, but with limited effectiveness...

goals for week 4:

* exercise once

* put together the board

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new hair today! nice 1 open barbers

+ not done this for two weeks. i made a resolution to change it but i can’t remember what it was... let me check... alright ok i didn’t really decide what to do just like more goals ok so.

+ work is tough but good. i think i’m getting better. i’ve been staying too late though. not even because i have loads of work to do, just because it happened. 

+ mornings are tough at the moment. partially because i’m adjusting to an earlier start but partially because it’s winter. i think i want to forgive myself a little for that and maybe allow myself a little leeway on days when i’m washing my hair etc

+ i phoned a new electro place and it was terrifying because now i am terrified of the phone again for some reason. so i’m happy i did that even though it scared me.

+ i broke my exercise habit. oh well — time to channel my grit & resilience and reform the habit!

goals for week 3:

* exercise once

* do literally any drawing

* set an alarm to wind down my work day at 6pm

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it’s the moment no one has been waiting for!! the @xn–qr8ha annual review of my year in snapchat selfies! please check out my three (3) standard poses and how i put the hottest ones in the middle AND also that giant leaf cause it was pretty cool 🌱✨

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it e

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2k17 [edit: 2k16 i mean god dadg] in #rareish selfies

1. Jan 1st, 3 months pre-HRT! But trying to use all the makeup products i vaguely had around

2. Jan 23rd. me trying to show off my pre-HRT figure

3. Feb 2nd. me trying to show off my new smooth leg habit (2k16 saw me go from epilating, to shaving regularly, to cba but sometimes)

4. Mar 13th. 13 days on hormones! part of me trying to figure out what to change about my pres (1st thing was the brows)

5. Apr 16th. trying to succeed at makeup and not doing too terribly, i cringe looking at the shadow these days

6. Jul 9th. 3 months on hormones. just before i walk on stage at the BAC for my 10 minute show about surgery and stuff, culminating in my first trip outside in the unambiguously feminine clothing aka the dress. it was a big deal. good reception 2!

7. Oct 22nd. 8 months on HRT. bit of a big time jump! hair looking uncommonly good.

8. Nov 25th. needed to put something full-body in here somehow because i didn’t want to forget about all the growing i’ve endured in 2k16.

9. Dec 3rd. me lookin happy somehow

19. Dec 24th! just after the surprise eyebrow shaping my mother sprung on me. i look a bit stern but nb i think ayyyy

lookin forward to this time 2k17!!

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strange lqqks

2k17 resolutions eh:

• Do weekly goal-setting & review

One good thing this year is that I’ve kept up my weekly reflection and, particularly in the first half of the year, it really drove forward a lot of positive changes in my life. But now it’s sort of become routine and isn’t making much impact anymore — so I want to change the focus a little bit and place more emphasis into action.

• Make my exercise more interesting

It’ll be easier if I don’t hate doing it at least. So far I’m contemplating ditching the gym in favour of jogging, taking it slow, see if my ankles cope better this time. But this way I can run in different directions — and in any case, it’s a more systemic exercise than the stuff I’ve been doing at the gym.

Plus it might save me some money if I get into the routine. And I can keep up my avoidance of gym changing rooms where I am not always going to be comfortable/welcome.

• Become grittier

“Grit in psychology is a positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual's passion for a particular long-term goal or end state, coupled with a powerful motivation to achieve their respective objective. This perseverance of effort promotes the overcoming of obstacles or challenges that lie within a gritty individual's path to accomplishment, and serves as a driving force in achievement realization.”

I think I want to get more of that. I mean it’s hard to be trans without at least a bit of that, but I think I’d like to have more grit reserves.

• Present how I want to in public

There are still a number of aspects of my presentation that I hold back from public situations like work or just out and about. I’m making progress but by the end of 2k17 I’d like not to be holding anything back.

Notably like, makeup, overtly feminine items of clothing. I think that’s basically it, aside from hormonal/hair removal stuff that doesn’t really happen on my schedule...

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not the best pic. anyway, 2K16 RESOLUTIONS REVIEW:

• Make time for making ❌

• Make time for study ❌

• Make time for boredom ❌

These were all about breaking my habit of spending too much time being entertained vs making. Sadly I can’t, in any sense, be said to have succeeded at this. I have got more comfortable with it, and I have made stuff... but still, I spend a lot of time being entertained.

One particularly strong point was to break my habit of watching tv while eating, which I gave up for a month maybe but then resumed again.

I think relying on willpower to solve these problems is a not a good idea.

• No projects ❌

Probably not a success. I have undertaken fewer big projects, it’s true, but I haven’t really replaced them with much. Hmm. Maybe projects are useful after all!

• Get out more ✅

Yea, kinda. I did go do stuff, which is nice. I certainly don’t feel massive London fomo anymore.

• Be less quiet ✅

This was about my intense passivity, both in talking about stuff online, politics, and in relationships. I’m definitely better with this now — I feel more comfortable talking about what I think and if people think that makes me irredeemable (as, in fact, this year someone did) then that’s how it is.

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So, very mixed. But I did achieve a lot this year! I just didn’t know about it at the end of 2015 when I wrote that. Notably:

• I started HRT

• I went full-time at work & with family (more or less)

• I abandoned he/him pronouns

• I started exercising regularly (& kept it up to date, around 10 months)

• I got a cool new job where i get to help people be software developers

so i feel pretty good about the stuff i did. even if it wasn’t what i thought it’d be. goodk