also I love friends and I want more so totally message me or even anon and we can become besties
*NOTE* almost all my works right now are fem!reader (I have one male!reader now). if you identify as male or non-binary, I am more than happy to write that for you if requested! most of my pairings are male x fem!reader, however there are a couple female x fem!readers up, and if requested I am totally good to write for you! finally, if any of my works use descriptors that don’t fit you or your ethnicity, please let me know! I try my hardest to be as vague as possible so that my works can be read by everyone! love you all
“I told you. I’m not the man you remember.” He can’t look at you when he says this, and you know it’s because of what he’s been pushing you to do; give up your lightsaber, hide from the Empire. It’s the safe thing to do, you know. But it isn’t the right thing.
“You’re going to have to be!” You finally snap, and everyone looks at you. You feel like you have tiptoed around his feelings about the Jedi for too long, because he knew better and it had hurt him more. But this is bigger than his issues, and your issues, and your combined issues. “You have to stop lying to yourself at some point Obi-Wan and admit that there was nothing you could do for Anakin. You couldn’t save him, even if I wasn’t here!” You cry, and Obi-Wan blinks.
“You don’t know that.” He says lowly, and you’re going straight into it now.
“Have you ever wondered why Anakin turned? Why he was the one who was seduced and succeeded?” You ask, and Obi-Wan doesn’t have an answer for this, jaw screwed tight. He would say it’s because of him, but he knows that’s not your answer.
“Y/N,” Bail warns, and you take a deep breath. You came here to convince him, and you can’t do that if you push him away like this.
“Obi,” You start again, and he looks taken aback by your nickname for him. “I can’t do this alone. I don’t know how to track their signal, or even fly a ship. We stand a better chance against any threat with the two of us. We can’t afford to fail this.” You explain, and you watch Obi-Wan think this over. He has to know you’re right.
“What if I can’t?” Obi-Wan says it so quietly you almost don’t hear it.
“We.” You correct, and it feels right, to be a part of a team once more.
“There is no one I trust more with my child than you, Obi-Wan.” Bail says, and you can tell this is causing a war in Obi-Wan’s head. Bail was friends with Padmé, and he’s partially responsible for her death. He bears some responsibility for the state of the galaxy right now. How can Bail trust him with his only child?
Obi-Wan turns, a war waging in his head.
“Please, old friend. For her. One last fight.” Bail promises, and you see the moment Obi-Wan agrees and steals himself. He turns to you, and you nod.
“One last fight.” You agree, but you know this won’t be your last. You were built to be a warrior, and that kind of fight doesn’t bleed out.
“One last fight.” Obi-Wan finally says, and you can feel relief flood through your body. You know you’re capable, but you also know that as much as being a soldier has been woven through your DNA, loving Obi-Wan is in there too, threaded between veins leading to your heart.
one more week! i'm so excited you guys have no idea
CHAPTER 1: I Think This Is the End - 8.18.26
CHAPTER 2: I Still Wish For You - 8.25.26
CHAPTER 3: You've Turned Into Your Worst Fears - 9.1.26
CHAPTER 4: He Was My Best Friend (That Was the Worst Part) - 9.8.26
CHAPTER 5: We Can't Be Friends (But I'd Like to Just Pretend) - 9.15.26
CHAPTER 6: How Did We Get Here (How Do We Get Out?) - 9.22.26
CHAPTER 7: The Age-Old Curse - 9.29.26
CHAPTER 8: Catch Me On the Way Down - 10.6.26
CHAPTER 9: Every Living Breathing Moment - 10.13.26
“I know I’m adopted.” Leia says quietly, and you freeze, almost dropping the hair in your hands. But you continue, hoping she didn’t notice. Of course Leia would know she’s adopted; she’s a smart kid, and she looks nothing like her parents. They probably told her.
“Are you my mom?” Her voice is so quiet, so full of hope, that you almost break.
“No.” You try to say it gently, but you can see the way her face falls. “But I did know her. Your mother was the kindest woman I ever met. And she was very brave. She knew what was right, and she stood up to anyone who challenged her.” You fix Leia’s hair on the right side, and you want to cry with how much she looks like Padmé now.
“What happened to her?” Leia asks, wide eyes that you know can’t possibly understand everything.
“She died.” You say simply, busying yourself with fixing Leia’s hair because you don’t have it in you to look her in the eyes. “She held on long enough to have you,” You can’t add more, because you can’t tell Leia about her brother. You can’t let her share with the only person who may understand. Because if you do, they’d both be in danger, and you’d rather her be upset than dead.
“Do you miss her?” Leia must pick up on your feelings, and you nod.
“I miss her a lot.” You say truthfully, tears stinging your eyes. You’ve been so busy, running at breakneck pace to stay alive, that you haven’t had time to think about Padmé and Anakin leaving you. But now, with their daughter, you feel every emotion. Every shortcoming, every wish, all amounting to a longing you don’t know what to do with. “I’m from a place far, far away. And when I came to this galaxy, your mom was one of my first friends. She let me stay with her, borrow clothes, and taught me how to do my hair and makeup. She helped me fit in.” Your voice hitches as you think of your first ever sleep over, of shopping and talking about important things and feelings.
“I miss her too.” Leia climbs into your lap to hug you, and you let the tears fall, holding onto her small body. It’s not quite like hugging Padmé or Anakin, but it’s close enough. It’s as close as you’ll ever get again, so you take it like oxygen, arms tight around Leia.
CHAPTER 1: I Think This Is the End - 8.18.26
CHAPTER 2: I Still Wish For You - 8.25.26
CHAPTER 3: You've Turned Into Your Worst Fears - 9.1.26
CHAPTER 4: He Was My Best Friend (That Was the Worst Part) - 9.8.26
CHAPTER 5: We Can't Be Friends (But I'd Like to Just Pretend) - 9.15.26
CHAPTER 6: How Did We Get Here (How Do We Get Out?) - 9.22.26
“I don’t understand.” You cry, tears gathering in your eyes and Obi-Wan was finally snapped out of his trance by this. Padmé was no longer in the corner, and he wondered if that was the last time he would see her.
“What is there not to understand?” He asks, standing and going over to where the babies are screaming, because he had promised Padmé he would take care of them before she had died and he had retreated in on himself. It was his first failure, and he swore there wouldn’t be another. “You should never have come back.”
“I came back to help you.” You steeled yourself, just as he had. You must have noticed how important this was.
“Clearly it’s too little too late.” He says, and you have this look in your eyes that he wants to get rid of. He doesn’t mean this, not really, but he needs you to go back to your universe. He has no idea how you got here or how long you had been trying, but you need to go back for your own good.
“Tell me what happened. What to do.” You demand, but he is never going to tell you about how he killed Anakin, which in turn killed Padmé. He is never going to tell you about how he could have saved the Jedi, if he had just been a little more vigilant, if he hadn’t been messing around with you and instead paying attention.
The Jedi warned him against this. This was the problem with attachment. And, like a fool, he hadn’t listened.
“I am telling you to go away.” He says sternly, because he only knows how to push you away. This is the only way to keep you safe, because they will be coming after you. “Go back home.”
“This is my home!” You shout, and the baby in General Organa’s arms starts to sob. You turn your attention to them, and a horrible look passes over your face. “You are my home. So I came back to try and save you and Padmé and Anakin and I can’t fail at all three.” You have tears in your eyes, and for a moment Obi-Wan wonders how you even got here, how you knew he would be here of all places. You don’t know how to fly a ship, or even track his.
“Nothing can save us. Not the Force, not each other, but especially not you.” He needs you to go, now. So he pulls the only thing he can out, the only thing he knows will hurt you enough to leave. “Leave, or I will turn you in.” He watches your face fall, taking in the betrayal.
“What?” You whisper, because there’s no way he has just threatened what you think he has. Obi-Wan loves you; he wouldn’t turn you in, right?
“If you do not leave,” He has a lump in his throat that he has to force down. “I will turn you in to clones.” He says slowly, and you stare.
“Obi,” You mutter, and it absolutely breaks his heart. “Please, I can’t lose you too.” You beg, and he has to turn away, toward the baby in the droid’s arms.
“You already have.” He says, taking Luke. He is no longer Obi-Wan Kenobi. From this point on, he is no longer a Jedi. He has lost himself.
And who’s to blame except himself?
CHAPTER 1: I Think This Is the End - 8.18.26
CHAPTER 2: I Still Wish For You - 8.25.26
CHAPTER 3: You've Turned Into Your Worst Fears - 9.1.26
CHAPTER 4: He Was My Best Friend (That Was the Worst Part) - 9.8.26
Obi-Wan doesn’t know what he’s done. Because while to you, it’s been years, his life was flipped in a matter of hours. He killed his best friends, which in turn destroyed the Jedi. And he doesn’t want to blame himself, but a small part of him can’t help but reflect inward and realize that it all started with you.
You didn’t come back to this galaxy just to fight another self righteous prick (or two, when you account for the rise of the Emperor's new puppet, Vader). You came back to be with Obi-Wan. Except he doesn’t seem to want to be with you.
The two of you are perpetually circling each other, because your lives are intertwined now. And just when you think it’s over, that you've finally hit the wall and broken every straw, you receive a call from an old friend.
Book 1 -Eternity
CHAPTER 1 - I Think This is the End (8.18.26.)
CHAPTER 2- I Still Wish For You (8.25.26.)
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taglist (if you were on the taglist for eternity, you're automatically on Chase the Light)
warnings: hurt with comfort, major angst (remember the comfort pls), SLOW burn, canon typical violence, canon compliant (Kenobi Series rewrite eventually), eventual fluff
OVER 58K WORDS
This is still a crossover fic, however it takes place only in the Star Wars Universe, due to the events of the previous book. Therefore no more warnings of crossover nor tagging of mcu.
ONCE AGAIN blurbs will be coming out weekly along with chapter names until the first chapter, so make sure to stay updated for that!
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: My deepest and most sincere thanks to everyone who read and especially commented on Eternity. Your love is what kept me going when I hit slumps while writing this book. And another huge thank you to @lobster-graphics , because while their requests are closed for now, I was able to find beautiful dividers to perfectly fit this book. I was completely inspired by their graphic for Eternity, however I made the moodboard for this book myself.
summary: You're just drinking to call Steve. Luckily he's prepared for your drunk antics.
word count: 1670
warnings: reader is drunk
note: i'm working so hard on Eternity book 2, which is why I've been a little MIA. I just want it to be perfect for you all, but in the mean time here's a little Steve to keep us sated :)
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"Steeeeeeve!"
Steve had been waiting for the call. Even though you told him that Eddie would be the DD, and you were going to be staying at Nancy's apartment, he had the tv on low volume just in case, so he bounced up when the call came at 1:48 AM.
"Are you alright?" He asks first, because you sound absolutely plastered. You have been known to find a phone to drunk call him, because apparently any kind of alcohol can't erase his number from your mind.
"Amazing!" You yell, even though he knows you're outside. He hopes you're at the payphone right out the door of the bar. His heart clenches a bit. He should have just gone with you, but you said it was girls night (Eddie was only invited because he's single apparently, which Steve thinks is stupid). "How's it call?" You slur, and Steve blinks.
The first time you drunk called him from outside the bar downtown, Steve almost crashed his car in effort to get to you. He had been so worried, but you had just snuck out to call him because you missed him. It was rare that the two of you weren't out together, but you, Robin, and Nancy had girls nights as often as you could to get away from the stress of adulthood. Now, though, this was a common occurrence if he ever wasn't in the same place you were, and he knew to wait for it.
"What?" Steve asks, stretching the cord of the phone to reach for his shoes. He knows he's going to pick you up.
"Y/N, what did he say? It's cold out here!" Robin complains in the background, and Steve is thankful that you're not alone in the middle of the night.
"Oh!" You laugh, right into the receiver, and it warms Steve's heart. "I - Stevie can you picks us up?" You're slurring so hard Steve can practically see you leaning on the side of the payphone. He checks the clock, hoping you have enough change to continue the call if you can't get to the point.
"Yes. Are you still at The Crown?" There were only two bars in town, and if you had made your way to Carousel then Steve may have a minor heart attack.
"Uh," You pause, clearly looking around. "Where are we?" This is not said into the receiver, and Steve can hear talking.
"The bar!" Nancy yells, and Steve's eyebrows raise.
"Right! The bar." You say, and Steve takes a deep breath.
"Where's Eddie?" He asks, and this stumps you.
"Uh, I haven't seen him. Where's Eddie?" You ask, and Steve is just glad the girls are all together. If someone is MIA, at least it's Eddie, who can handle himself.
"He left?" Robin isn't answering, and Steve honestly just needs to know where to pick you up. He can figure out Eddie tomorrow.
"Have you left the bar that you started at?" Steve asks, because he knows names are a lost cause.
"We had to come outside to get a payphone. Because Steve I love you. Can you come see me? Please?" You ask, and Steve sighs, gearing up for a long night. This quite possibly could be the most drunk you've ever been.
"I'm on my way. I love you too." He says, and he can hear your cheers before the line goes dead.
~
He sees you before he even puts the car in park, and he's sure that he's going to be the DD from now until forever. Possibly even the chaperone.
You're singing into the payphone, standing on top of the small counter between partitions while Robin claps and Nancy sits against the wall, eyes closed. Steve watches your heel catch a stray piece of paper, but the hand not holding the phone grips a partition, and he can practically see you bursting your head open.
"Jesus Christ." He doesn't even lock the car, going directly over to you. The bouncer at the door throws a grateful look toward him, and he gives a small wave.
"Steve!" You scream, interrupting your own rendition of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun where you've been slurring the same words for three minutes straight. Nancy's eyes widen, thankful to have a ride home finally.
"Come on, sweetheart, let's get down." He grabs your waist with one arm and the phone with the other, helping you down. You're not steady on your feet at all, and Steve has no idea how you didn't fall on your face and break something before he got here.
"Steve, can we sleep over at your place? It is girls night." Robin begs, and Steve has to close his eyes as you press yourself against him, arms warping around him.
"Sure. Let's get into the car." Steve makes sure you can stand before heading over to Nancy. "Let's go, Nance." He puts his hands out to pull her up, and she stumbles and yawns.
"We have the She's So Unusual album at home, right Steve?" You ask, and Nancy's head pops up. Steve opens the passenger door and you fall into the seat, your tube top slipping. Steve grabs ahold of the top and yanks it up, wanting to roll his eyes at the fact that you wore it but not wanting you to take it the wrong way.
"Let's get home first." He answers, helping Robin and Nancy stumble into the backseat before getting into the drivers spot. By the time he's shifted gears, you're putting your special mixed tape in, the one you made when you two would be on your way to parties.
"Sing it, Steve!" You shove your lipstick tube, the new microphone, in his face, as Take On Me plays far too loud for two AM. He sings a little bit, but it's nothing compared to you, Robin, and Nancy, who go crazy when Material Girl comes on. You kick your way to the backseat, almost smacking Steve in the face, and he's thankful this town is so small and it doesn't take too long to get home.
Everything is fine until Footloose comes on, and of course Steve is a stoplight. Without even saying anything, the three of you are out of the car, and Steve's eyes widen.
"What the fuck?" He cries out, thankful no one is on the road as the light goes green and he puts the car in park, jumping out to see the three of you sloppily doing the Footloose dance.
"Stevie!" You reach your hands out, but your balance is far off and you very nearly fall on your face before Steve grabs your arms.
"Get in the car!" He yells, not rudely but in an exhausted way. He's glad you're having fun, but you could do it in the car. He practically throws you in, and you're laughing as you lay in the backseat.
"Steve, can we please stop at Benny's? I need fries." Nancy begs as she collapses on top of you, Robin claiming the front seat. Steve gets back in the car and shifts gears, taking a deep breath.
"Benny died years ago, Nance." Steve reminds her, and Nancy frowns.
"What!" You scream from the back, sitting up. The song changes to Like a Virgin, and Steve hopes that you'll be home by the time this song is over.
"You knew that, babe." Steve tells you, and you dissolve into laughter.
"I did know that." You take a deep breath, looking out the window. "Poor Benny."
When your group finally makes it home, Steve can't put the car in park fast enough. He twists the key, and Robin is already stumbling to the front door. Nancy opens her door, and Steve turns to see you basically asleep with your face pressed against the glass. He sighs with a small smile, then goes to the back to help you out. He carries you through the house to your room, thankful he had just put fresh sheets on the guest bed so Robin and Nancy could stay in there.
The life of the party is draining, the singing from earlier gone. Robin and Nancy are zombies as they flop to the bed, so Steve puts you in bed and wipes your face before checking on them. He places a cup of water at each side of the bed, and he hopes you guys all tried to at least drink water with each shot. He grabs another water to take to you, and then changes his clothes before grabbing your pajamas.
"Steve?" You whisper, because it seems all your energy has been drained.
"How are you feeling, babe?" Steve asks, wiping your hair out of your face. "Do you wanna change?"
"Do you me still love?" Your voice cracks, like you're gonna cry, and Steve actually has to drop his head so you don't see his smile. You're known for jumbling your words while drunk, and Steve loves it.
"Of course I still love you. I came to get you, didn't I?" He kisses your lips, which taste like sickly sweet cherries and bubbles.
"Yeah." You sniffle, arms going around him to pull him onto you where you lay. You sigh, and Steve knows you're not going to want to wake up in your tube top and day old underwear.
"Let's get you in your pjs." Steve pulls himself away, kissing your pout before stripping you to put more comfortable items on. You let him, curling right back into the blankets and immediately falling asleep when Steve's done. He smiles, then looks at the time. It's 2:24, and he has work tomorrow. But as he sets his alarm to make you breakfast before he leaves, he knows he wouldn't trade this for the world. You trust him, and that's something he cherishes.
"I love you." You whisper, just as Steve settles in, thinking you're asleep.
"I love you more." He says, knowing you're too tired to fight. He goes to sleep with a smile on his face.
summary: You and Stiles agree to be holidates so your friends and family get off your back. You did not agree to catch feelings. (Based LOOSLEY off the netflix movie)
word count: 12k (get some tea and snacks for this one)
warnings: mentions of sex, mentions of throwing up but no describing it, drinking (werewolves can get drunk bc it's funny), indulging in some recreational drugs (weed)
main masterlist
"Why does your dad care so much?" Scott pours the leftover eggnog (spiked, of course) into two tall glasses, and then walks into the living room.
"I have no idea. Maybe because he's getting older, and we lost my mom so suddenly. And he's worried that he'll never see me happy, even though I am perfectly happy on my own." Stiles shrugs, as if it's no big deal. Scott gives a look, because they both know he's lying. If he could find someone tomorrow who was meant to be, he would.
"Can you really blame him?" Scott tries, and Stiles takes a long gulp of eggnog as he sits on the ground.
"It's not just him, Scott." They had put up some decorations in their shared apartment, and now they had to take them down unfortunately. It was the worst part of the end of the year. "It's our friends too. Everyone is together. And because of this you all want me to have a date."
"Maybe we're just looking out for you." Scott tries, but he knows recently with their friends it's gotten a bit out of hand. Especially after Hayden and Liam got engaged at their Christmas party three days ago.
"No, you don't understand, Scott. If I show up to my dad's without someone on my arm, I think he's going to make me an online dating profile." Stiles tilts his head, thinking about the extremes his dad may go to this year. "Or maybe even set me up with a younger officer, and he has no idea-"
"Stiles," Scott drags a hand through his hair, because Stiles has been going off about his relationship, or lack thereof, for the last twenty minutes. And also the last month. "If you don't want your dad meddling in your life, then why don't you just get one of our friends to do it?" It's silent in the living room as they both think.
"Do what?" Stiles asks, and Scott scoffs.
"Date you." He says as if it's obvious.
"Like who?" Stiles asks, rolling his eyes. And then, at the same time, both Scott and Stiles widen their eyes, then look at each other with wide eyes because they know exactly who fits the bill.
You are sitting in your parents living room, the day after Christmas, watching everyone cuddle up to each other in their new pajamas. And then there's you, sitting on the ground, watching your siblings' kids run around like crazies. Your single aunt even brought a date, and maybe that's the worst part, because you slept on the couch so everyone else could sleep in your old room.
All because you don't have a date to bring home.
And that's all anyone can talk about. Where's this guy? Weren't you dating him? He was so nice, how did you let him go? They don't care that Noah had cheated on you, in your own apartment. They all just care about your dying ovaries, apparently, the clock ticking on your uterus that makes you want to scream.
So when Stiles calls, you will take any excuse to stand out on the porch, alone, even if it's freezing and there's a couple inches of snow piled up on the road.
"Everything okay?" You ask, because if Stiles is calling you and not one of the girls something must be wrong. You know Stiles, but you don't talk to him on a regular schedule.
"Nothing! It's all good." He says with a chuckle, and you frown. "I'm calling because, uh, I have a proposition for you." He starts, and you furrow your brow as you stare into the glaring white snow.
"Okay," You draw out, because you have no idea where this is going. Despite the fact that you and Stiles are the only two humans in your friend group, you never really hang out that much. At group events you talk, but you don't know much about Stiles, and you're sure he doesn't know that much either.
"It's okay to say no, but I think this could be mutually beneficial. I mean, if we do it right, no one else even has to know." You don't understand his rambling, but it's a little endearing.
"What's the point of this, Stiles?" You ask, but you're smiling now. You can hear him take a deep breath, then continue.
"Scott told me about this idea. A holidate. We pretend we're dating, but only on the holidays." It's silent as you take in this information and Stiles waits for you to answer.
"A holidate?" You repeat, starting to shiver as you stand in the cold.
"Yeah. We just agree to go out, like for New Years, and that way we don't have to be alone." He explains, and you nod. It's not a bad idea honestly. You turn back towards the door, hearing the sounds of laughing from all of your coupled up family members.
"I'm in." Anything, literally anything, to get your family off your back. If you tell them you had a New Years kiss, an actual one and not a drunken one, maybe they'll shut up for once.
"You're in - that's great! Just like that, wow." Stiles lets out a breath over the speaker, and you wonder if he had been going through what you did when he called.
"Yeah, this Christmas, it's my last straw." You sigh, dopamine finally filling your head when you realize you can finally tell your family to stop setting you up with every barista they come into contact with. "The amount of voicemails I've had to delete from my aunts giving out my number to anyone they see." You shudder at the thought, but it could also be the cold. You'd rather talk out here with Stiles then go back inside and endure the pain of listening to your nieces and nephews asking why you didn't bring anyone home.
"Well, at least your dad isn't one step away from making you a dating profile." Stiles tells you, and you let out a small laugh at this.
"If my dad knew how to use the internet, I guarantee he would try." You tell him, but your teeth start chattering.
"You good?" He asks, and you nod, even though he can't hear you.
"Yeah, I'm just outside." You hear another roar of laughter, and you cast one final glance back at the door. "I should probably get back in before they decide to insert themselves into my life even more." You chatter out, and Stiles scoffs.
"Or before you come a popsicle." You roll your eyes as he jokes, and he laughs a little bit.
"Goodbye." You say, and hang up. You take a deep breath, staring at the door, before walking back in.
"Who was that you were talking to?" Your mom asks as soon as you get back in, and you sigh.w`sx
"Oh! I bet it was her lover!" Your aunt calls, one eye already closed from how much she's drank. At three pm.
"God help me." You sigh, looking over at Baby Jesus in the nativity set up in the corner. But he's not actually here, you're on your own. "I have a date for New Years." You announce, and the room erupts into chaos.
New Years
On New Years, there's always a huge party they throw at Derek's loft, which is just collecting dust when it isn't being used for parties. And while you always attend, this is the first time you're attending with someone. You're wearing a nice black dress, and he's wearing a suit that you have never seen him in before.
"You clean up nice." You say, taking a sip of your drink as you watch everyone dance from the corner.
"What can I say. I had a date this time." He winks, and you roll your eyes.
"This is supposed to be stress free. Nothing matters because we're not actually dating." You tell him. You had worn a dress you would usually second guess - too tight or too much cleavage for the first date. But this didn't matter, because it was just Stiles. There was nothing else going on, and nothing else would happen.
"Trust me, this is the least stress I've felt in awhile." He answers, downing his entire drink. You watch the room, seeing a couple walk in that you don't recognize. She looks giddy, and he looks nervous.
"Ten bucks he's proposing tonight." You say, nodding toward them. Stiles smiles, shaking his head.
"No way am I taking that! I don't set myself up for failure." He goes to take another drink, but there's nothing left. "Wanna dance?" He asks, and you think about it. There's no commitment, no embarrassing moment if he decides you're a bad dancer, so what's the harm?"
"Sure." You put back the rest of your drink, making a face at the amount of alcohol, before following him out to the dance floor. You two goof off for a few songs, just having fun, before the tempo changes. It's a slow dance, and you both look at each other hesitantly as everyone else begins to pair up.
"Why not?" Stiles asks, taking your hand, and you figure he's right. What's the harm in slow dancing?
"This is kinda nice." You admit, because it is. It's nice to not think about what your family and friends are thinking, and it's nice to live in the moment.
"Only kinda? Man, I have to step up my game." Stiles shakes his head, and you smile. "So, I know we're in the same friend group, but we never talk. I have to ask, what happened to Noah?" Just the mention of his name sends an electric current up your spine that you freeze at. Noah had cheated on you months ago, but you still couldn't get over it.
"He cheated on me." You hadn't broadcast this to the group, mostly because you felt it was embarrassing. You weren't good enough for Noah to stay. And you had liked him, way more than you should. You had brought him around to movie nights a couple times, and he got along with everyone. "And I caught him. In my own apartment." Your throat closed as you said it, and Stiles scoffed.
"What a dick." Was all he had, and you nodded.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom." You said as the music ended, slipping away from him. You needed a moment, needed some time to regroup.
As you walked in, the girl you had bet was getting engaged tonight was crying, her friends trying to comfort her as they pat her down with towels. Her white dress - a gorgeous, ruffly shoulder that followed all the way down - had been splashed with red wine.
"I can't get engaged in this!" She sobbed, and your heart broke for her. Her friends were panicked, like they had no idea how to help. "And it's always been my dream to be engaged on New Years!" The end of the sentence turned into a sob, and you frowned.
"You can have my dress." You spoke up, and the bathroom went dead silent.
"Really?" The girl whispered, meeting your eyes in the mirror she stood in front of.
"Yeah. We're about the same size. Let's just switch." You shrugged, smiling, and the girl started crying again.
"Thank you! I love you so much!" Your eyes widened as you realized she was probably drunk.
"Of course." You let her hug you before walking into a stall to change. "It's not like I'm getting engaged tonight."
When you walk out wearing the white dress, Stiles chokes on his drink. Not because he's in awe, but because he thinks the wine is blood.
Which says a lot about how fucked up your lives are.
But you smile, and his brows furrow, and then he looks over your shoulder at the woman you two saw earlier wearing your dress and smiling widely. He looks back at you, smirking.
"You couldn't help yourself?" He asks, and you shrug.
"You know me." You look down at the dress, and it's hard not to mourn the sexy black dress you had worn that hugged you everywhere you liked it to. But you could always get a new one, and that woman couldn't get a new engagement day.
"Yeah," Stiles nods, looking around. "I have to use the bathroom. I'll be back." He tells you, and you nod, seeing if anyone you recognize is near you. But just as you spot Scott and Kira, the DJ cuts the music.
"Alright everyone, time to find your lover, your new start, or maybe even someone you've never met." You feel your heart drop, because of course, you have a date and you're still alone, not kissing anyone on New Years.
"Happy New Years to me." You mutter, taking a drink from the bar beside you and downing it. Stiles comes back not too long after, looking awkward that he missed New Years, but you don't even want to talk about it.
Oh, and the girl wearing your dress got engaged. Happy fucking New Years
~
"So, I guess I'll see you at Valentines?" Stiles asks the next day. The pack stayed upstairs in Derek's loft, and now you were ready to go home and sleep off your small hangover before work.
"Valentines?" You scoff, because maybe you're still not over last night. It was fine, and sure it was fun for a little bit, but as you rung in the New Year you had never felt more alone. "That's like, two months from now."
"I thought we were holidates." Stiles replies quietly, because their friends are not supposed to know about this arrangement. They really only all hang out during holidays, so it's the perfect plan. There's too many people to casually hang out with when there isn't an event.
"What if I find a date before then?" You ask, because you hate the idea of still being genuinely alone for so long. Sure, you have someone at these social events, but what about when you go home? What about when you're feeling down?
Stiles has the nerve to laugh. Out loud.
"Oh, I'm sorry." He stops laughing, but he continues to chuckle. You roll your eyes and begin to walk out. "Just, call me if you don't." You can practically hear the smile in his voice.
"Thanks for the offer, Stilinski, but I'd rather choke on my own fingers." That shuts him right up, and you can't help but smile as you exit the building.
Valentines Day
"So you don't think you and Stiles are serious?" Hayden asks as you, her and Lydia all look at some save the date stock cards that are on sale only today.
"I don't know." You haven't specifically said anything to your friends about you and Stiles not being together, mostly because you haven't found anyone else and it is now Valentines Day. You haven't called him, but you'll be damned if you have to spend another holiday alone. This shit is hard enough with friends during the day.
"Well, it'd be nice if you two came to the wedding together." She said with a hopeful smile, and you felt annoyance crawl through your veins.
"I don't need someone to be happy. I can be perfectly happy alone." Lydia and Hayden stop shuffling through the cards and stare at you.
"Sweetheart, everyone says that before they find the one." Lydia informs you, and this pisses you off so bad you have to take a break from these happy women in their happy relationships looking for happy wedding cards.
"Ya know what?" You ask, trying not to explode in the middle of the mall. "I'm gonna go get some chocolate. I'll bring some back for you." You pinch your lips together in a tight smile, and they both stare wide eyed at you. You shouldn't be this short with your best friends, but you're tired of love and tired of it being pushed on you like everyone is a horrible salesman for some drug they're too high to notice is killing them.
Not that love is like that. But you just wish that people could talk about something else. Anything else.
You go to the candy store, putting chocolate in a basket at random. This is going to taste great in the bath tonight while you read your latest book, and you're dreaming about it while you put another chocolate in your basket as someone says your name.
"Y/N?" And oh God it's Noah, your ex. The ex. "It's so good to see you!" And he means it? You could throw up here.
"Noah?" You mutter, looking down at the basket full of chocolate. Oh, this looks bad. First Valentines Day without him and here you are alone, with a mountain of chocolate. "Hi," You have nothing else to say, glue closing your throat.
"How've you been?" He asks, and you blink.
"Great!" You lie after a moment of hesitation, and before you can even ask the same question to him a gorgeous girl comes up. Probably the prettiest person you've ever seen in real life. You're star struck honestly.
"Babe, you have to try this!" She says to Noah, and she shoves the chocolate into his mouth, her fingers getting caught in a way that is far too sexual for the Beacon Hills Mall. You are speechless, and you think maybe you'll just throw up right there because you're missing your heart. You thought maybe you were over Noah - he cheated on you, for crying out loud. But seeing him has made every emotion come back out.
"Oh, Clem, this is my old friend, Y/N." Old friend. Oh, you could just scream. And honestly, you think this may be the breaking point. You open your mouth, about to tell Clem just who you are and what Noah did to you when Stiles is at your side, arm thrown around your shoulders.
"Shoes took forever to find, babe, sorry." He says, then looks over at Noah and Clem, as if he hadn't noticed them. "Hey, Stiles, nice to meet ya." He says, holding out his hand. You thank your lucky stars that Stiles and Noah never happened to meet.
"Noah." He smiles as if nothing is amiss, and it makes you so mad. Stiles' eyes widen.
"Noah?" He repeats, and then looks down at you. He knows that you dated a Noah, even if he doesn't know what happened. And now, it's all making sense. "Stiles." He introduces himself, and Noah barely hears him because he's so engrossed in what Clem is doing.
"I was just," You have no idea what to say, how to fill the silence as you stare at the two of them. Here you are, still single and miserable and trying to drown yourself in chocolate? How miserable.
"She was grabbing chocolate for our date tonight! Thanks so much babe, but we have to go." Stiles steers you out of the store, and you let him, because this is probably one of the worst Valentines Days you've ever had.
"What the fuck?" You say a little too loudly, and Stiles shakes his head.
"So, Noah?" Stiles starts as you two sit on a bench. You frown, hating all the memories that come up just at his name. "What happened?"
"He cheated on me. In my apartment." It's honestly embarrassing. Who gets cheated on in their own place? You weren't even sharing the apartment or officially living together. He was there because he was a cocky son of a bitch.
"Oh, shit." Stiles mutters, realizing maybe Scott mentioned that when you two broke up. That must've been why you were so shocked to see him. "That's a lot." He says, because he doesn't know what else to say. He reaches over into your basket and opens up some chocolates for you.
"Thanks." You munch, because chocolate makes everything better. Stiles eats one too, and you sit together, two sad sacks on Valentines Day.
"Who's the lucky date tonight?" He asks, and you grab another chocolate, shoving it in your mouth.
"You don't have to rub it in." You mutter, and he shrugs.
"This works out. I don't have anyone either. Maybe we can watch stupid movies so we don't have to be alone." He suggests, and it isn't the worst idea in the world.
"I told you my sob story. Why did you and Lydia break up?" You ask, because you have been morbidly curious ever since it happened two years ago and she won't tell you, no matter how much you ask. He sighs, eating another chocolate before answering.
"She had dreams she couldn't get over. And you know how she is when she has dreams." She doesn't let them go, even if they're just dreams. You feel horrible, because it's obvious he still has feelings for her.
"We can watch movies. But I veto Star Trek." You tell him, and he scoffs.
"I didn't even want to watch it anyway." He tries, but you don't believe him. You both stand, and that's when you realize that you're holding the basket from the store. Because you never checked out.
"Oh God, I didn't pay for these!"
St Patricks Day
You're only out because all your friends love to go to the Irish pub downtown that is definitely owned by the most American person in town that has a great great grandmother that came over from Ireland. But they always go all out for Saint Patricks, so the pack always goes and gets smashed.
"Stiles? Really?" Hayden asks as you pound shots like your life depends on it. You're wearing a green wig, and matching tacky shirts with Stiles. Everyone is wearing clover necklaces and headbands and some of the girls even have green tutus.
"What's that supposed to mean?" You frown, stumbling slightly against the bar.
"She just means that we never imagined you with him." Lydia answers, and you blink once.
"Because you wanted to get back with him?" You ask, and their eyes go wide.
"No!" She says, and because you're drunk you have no idea if she's telling the truth.
"Let's get another round!" Malia suggests, and you don't argue. You down another shot, and Stiles comes over, clearly enjoying the multiple pitchers of beer the boys had bought.
"How's it going?" He asks, standing behind you but not putting a hand on you. You shrug, because you're confused about Lydia's feelings. You want to talk to Stiles about it, but you can't without outing your plan that only Scott knows about.
"Where's Liam?" Hayden asks, looking at the boys and realizing her fiancé is missing.
"Oh, uh," Stiles turns, and then the boys start to giggle.
"What happened?" Malia asks, because she's the most sober. She's able to hold her liquor well, and she rarely gets tipsy, let alone drunk.
"He's passed out on the table." Scott says, and everyone makes room to look at Liam laying on the table, holding an empty pitcher. The front of his shirt is soaked, and you know the hangover is going to be horrid.
"He thought he could down the entire pitcher and be fine. But even his extra strength can't handle that." Mason jokes, and you can't help the giggle that escapes you before you hiccup.
"Are you drunk?" Stiles asks, and you shake your head, straightening up.
Before Scott has to carry you home for the night, you drag Stiles over to the photobooth shoved in the corner.
"This is such a cash grab! We can take pictures with our phones." Stiles wines, but you feed the machine money and pull him in.
"Come on, it'll be fun!" You slur, having to sit on Stiles' lap to take the pictures. You smiles at the camera in the first one, then make silly faces in the next. Stiles grabs your wig off between the second and third pictures, causing you to make a shocked face as you turn to him and the camera goes off. The last picture, though, is the two of you just staring at each other, caught up and forgetting that the rest of the world exists.
You don't really remember taking the photos all that much, but you save the strip and it's on your bedside table when you wake up the next morning.
Easter
"No, my family always does Easter at my mom's house. It's a big deal and if I'm not there, they'll probably send a search party." You tell Stiles.
"My Dad is all I have left. We always do holidays together, and I can't break this one just because we're fake dating." He says, and you try to figure out how to argue back without sounding insensitive. You are fighting over where you'll be spending Easter, the first major holiday that has come up in your dating agreement.
"If we do Easter at your parents house, we have to do Christmas at mine." You say, ready for this argument to be over so you can tell your family you won't be at Easter dinner.
"You think this will still be going on in eight months?" Stiles asks, and you frown, caught. For a moment, you got so wrapped up in arguing you forgot that the two of you weren't actually dating.
"One can only hope it isn't." You grimace, not even wanting to think about the holidays later in the year.
~
When Easter comes up, you bring a pie over to Stiles' dad's place. Stiles had already warned you that his dad has started dating Lydia's mom, so Lydia and her new boyfriend will be joining them.
Apparently, however, Stiles forgot to inform his dad that you would be here.
"Stiles! And," He looks over to you, and you smile, because you're sure he just forgot your name.
"Y/N," You prompt, but no look of recognition crosses his face. Instead, he looks at Stiles, and his eyes are wide.
"Welcome." He says, but it's strained. You're not sure what's going on, but you bring the pie in and set it down. When you turn, you see the table set up for six people, with Lydia and her mom sitting already. But the room is quiet, and you realize why when next to who you assume is Lydia's boyfriend, there's a girl that looks similar to him.
"Shit," Lydia whispers, but it echoes because it is so silent you could hear a pin drop. You're a little confused, but you know something is wrong and it makes your heart race.
"That's Stiles?" Lydia's boyfriend asks, and she nods, taking a deep breath. "Then who is that?" The attention is on you, and you want to crawl into the foundation.
"This is my date." He says, putting an arm around you, and your shoulders uncoil just the smallest bit.
"Hold on a minute," The girl says, and you begin to put two and two together.
"You didn't tell me you were bringing a girl." Stiles' dad says, and you close your eyes. Stiles sighs as he turns his head up to the ceiling, and Lydia puts her head in her hands.
"You brought a date to Easter?" Lydia's mother says, and Stiles wants to scream because is it really that crazy?
"I did, yeah." Stiles grabs your hand, and you open your eyes against the burning in your cheeks. "But I thought Lydia would have known this." While you don't really hang out together outside of holidays, you haven't told the group that you aren't going out anymore. Lydia should have known that you would be here. And Lydia is one of your best friends, who you would have definitely told if you and Stiles 'broke up.'
"You didn't say anything, and last time we went out it just seemed," She trails off, and you widen your eyes because you know she's about to bring up how you said you're not fully into him, just having fun.
"Well, this will be interesting." You say with a tight smile.
And you were right, because despite the fact that you're sitting right there, in a folding chair from the garage, Cynthia insists on flirting with Stiles. You take advantage of the flowing wine, and while you aren't jealous of Cynthia or anything, you are not enjoying the fact that you have to fifth wheel Stiles, his ex and his dad.
"How did you and Stiles meet?" His dad asks, and you honestly think this may make it worse. Lydia almost chokes, which informs you that this will be worse.
"We've known each other since high school." You say flatly, watching his dad's brows furrow.
"Were you apart of the whole," He trails off, because he doesn't want to say anything 'supernatural' in front of random people, but you nod.
"Yup." You take another gulp of wine, listening to Cynthia laugh at Stiles. Maybe this is good for him; he'll find someone else that he can have a real connection with.
And you'll be left here, once again.
~
"She seemed nice." You say when Stiles is taking you home later. You're a little tipsy, but not so bad that you would make a scene.
"I swear, I didn't know my dad would do that." He says, and you believe him but can only nod. "Plus, her eyes weren't symmetric." He tells you, and you can't help the laugh that bursts out of you.
"What?" You ask, turning to him.
"One was way bigger than the other!" He says with a smile, and you're laughing hard now. "It was strange to look at." You shake your head, not sure if he's saying this just to make you feel better or not.
"So," You take a deep breath as he pulls up to your place, putting the Jeep in park. He turns to you, giving you his full attention. "My family for Thanksgiving and Christmas."
"Yeah." He agrees immediately, and you smile.
Mother's Day
"Hello?" Stiles' answers the phone, and you finish putting on the top coat of your toe nail polish.
"Hey, I know it's late notice, but I was wondering if you could come to this luncheon tea with my mom next weekend for Mother's Day? She really wants you to come." You pause, listening to the quietness on the other line. "I also really want you to come, if only because my siblings will be there with their partners." Your heart begins to beat with anxiety when Stiles still doesn't respond. "Stiles? You there?"
"Yes, yeah." He says quickly, then takes a deep breath. "I can't." He hangs up abruptly, and you are left blinking at your homescreen. You frown, closing the nail polish and grabbing your phone. You know Stiles' mom isn't in his life, but you haven't been close enough to him in the past to know what happened. You debate a moment before calling Lydia, needing to know what happened.
"What's up?" She asks, and you only debate a moment before coming out with it.
"What happened to Stiles' mom?" It's quiet once more in your living room, and you realize you have monumentally fucked up.
"She died when he was young." Lydia finally says, and you freeze.
"Fuck," You whisper, because of course your insensitive ass just asked Stiles to participate in Mother's Day when he doesn't even have his mother around anymore.
"What-" You hang up and call Stiles back, but he doesn't answer. You don't have time to think about the way your heart jumps in anxiety, you just grab your keys and run out the door, jamming your toe against the door frame and no doubt leaving some paint there because your toes are not dried yet. You slide on a pair of flip flops and lock your door quickly, running to your car and hoping you remember the way to Stiles and Scott's apartment.
~
Stiles is taking a shower, trying to prepare himself for the torturous week, when Scott runs in and doesn't even bother to knock.
"Dude," He says, smile on his face when Stiles pulls the curtain back to peak just his head out.
"What the hell, Scott?" Stiles says, but Scott is still showing teeth ear to ear. "This better be good." Stiles says, and Scott just nods.
"Y/N's here." He says, and Stiles almost chokes.
"Here, as in, our apartment? Right now?" Stiles asks, his chest becoming just a little tight.
"Yes! And she needs to talk to you. So get your ass out, right now." Scott closes the door, and Stiles releases the curtain and turns back to the wall underneath the spray of water. You're here, in his apartment. For what, he doesn't know, but he needs to find out.
When he comes into the living room, hair still wet and dripping onto the shirt he randomly grabbed from the clean clothes pile, he sees you, lip red from biting and brows furrowed. You look concerned, and he frowns.
"What's wrong?" He asks, and you snap your head straight up. You haven't sat down, clearly too nervous, and Scott has made himself scarce.
"I had no idea about your mom." You start with, and Stiles feels himself straighten. "If I had, I would have never asked you to the luncheon. That's so insensitive, I'm so sorry." You have tears in your eyes, and everything about this pulls at his heart. You had no way to know about his mom; the two of you weren't close when the whole Nogitsune issue happened, and really that's how all his friends knew what happened. You were just trying to invite him to an outing that had everything to do with your deal.
"It's okay," He tells you, and you nod. "I don't really talk about it." He says, as if he's just realizing it, and you frown.
"Do you want to?" You put a hand on his elbow, and he feels like he can't breathe for a moment. No one really knows how to deal with someone who lost their mom, especially if they haven't gone through it, but you're here taking it in stride.
"My dad and I always go out on Mother's Day. To honor her. It's why I said I couldn't go." He thinks about the tradition they started, and his throat gets tight. "It actually started before she even died. She had frontotemporal dementia. So near the end, she wasn't really herself. We had tried to celebrate Mother's Day, but she couldn't understand that she was a mom, that the day was for her. So my dad took me out. I was only eight - I didn't get it either. My dad said that we could go out for her, since she had to stay in the hospital. I only realized years later that he did it to take me away, because it was painful to watch her not remember me and me try to convince her." He has never told that story to anyone - it's not like anyone usually asks what he's doing Mother's Day. He doesn't realize he's crying until you reach up and wipe his tears.
"I should have asked. I shouldn't have assumed." You tell him, pulling him in to hug him. "I understand, and I don't expect you to come out that day. I'll just tell my mom you're sick." You say smiling a little when Stiles lets out a wet chuckle.
"Do you think she'll believe that?" He's never met your mom, but he's a little afraid of disappointing her. Not that he'd ever admit that, because there's no reason for that.
"She will if I tell her you had to call out of work due to your need to be near a toilet." You say, and Stiles laughs, not letting go of you just yet. This has been so nice, to be able to talk about his mom and feel okay.
"Thank you." He whispers, and for a moment he wonders if you don't hear it. But then, you lean back, looking into his eyes.
"What are holidates for?" You ask, as if it's that easy.
And maybe it could be.
Fourth of July
"I need this so bad, I swear work has been purposefully kicking my ass." Lydia says as she gets in the drivers seat of her car. You get in the passenger seat, Hayden, Malia and Kira in the back.
"I brought something that might help." Malia says, pulling a bag out of her purse as Lydia puts the car in drive, pulling out behind the boys who are in their own car. You turn around in your seat to see Malia is holding a joint.
"Oh my God," You say, instantly looking in Lydia's purse for the lighter you know she keeps in there. First one to find a lighter gets the first hit - those have been the rules since high school. "Found one!" You scream, and Hayden sighs out a curse when the bag is passed to you. You light the blunt, rolling the window down as you drop the lighter back in Lydia's bag and take a nice, long hit.
"Give it to me!" Kira yells, and you put your hand back for the girls in the back to fight over the prize as you blow the smoke out the window.
"Oh, my long lost love, it's been too long." You sigh, hearing the girls roll the windows down in the back and the car begin to smell of relaxation.
"I can't wait to get to the cabin." Lydia says, pressing on the gas a little harder, and you're just glad it isn't your turn to drive as you grab the blunt again and take a drag.
Little did you all know, the boys were also indulging while they drove. Except, they were indulging in beer, so you all watch Mason take one step out and face plant directly into the dirt. And then Liam follows.
"It was only an hour drive? How much did they drink?" Hayden asks, but when you look at the blunt that had burned your fingers from being so small on the last drag, you can't judge that much. Your brain is pleasantly fogged, and you can feel everything swim when you step out of the car.
"Oh, please let's get these snacks out." Kira begs, and you all carry the snacks inside. The boys stumble around, and Lydia's boyfriend, Sam, shotguns two beers in a row because he had also been driving. Lydia agrees to take an edible that Malia had brought for tomorrow, and everyone begins to get on the same level.
Once everything is unloaded, the boys go down the the beach and the girls are on the dock, sunglasses on and snacks in hand.
"How are you and Stiles?" Hayden asks, and you shrug.
"Good." You have no idea how to answer that question, but you turn it on her. "How's wedding planning?"
"So amazing. We're almost there, and I can't wait to celebrate." You nod, but you honestly have no idea what she's talking about. You've never had the dream of planning your wedding, because you've never met anyone to share your life with like that.
"Sound's great." You say, digging your hand into the pretzels.
"You haven't RSVPed, but I'm assuming you and Stiles won't need plus ones? Because you'll be going together." She says, and you think about how long you've been caught in this ruse. You're no closer to finding 'the one.' And honestly, you haven't even been looking.
Whoops.
"Sure." You can't say more, because suddenly the boys are screaming and you're all turning your attention over there.
"What's going on?" Lydia asks as you start to get up, walking over. Once you start to walk over, you realize that Stiles is screaming as he holds his hand.
"He cut his hand trying to open up the fireworks." Scott says, and try have so many questions that you have to take a moment to pause and rearrange your brain.
"You brought fireworks?" Hayden yells, and at least that takes care of one question.
"Why was Stiles opening them?" You ask, grabbing a towel from the table and walking over to Stiles.
"Oh God, this is too much blood." Stiles says, tilting on his feet.
"Stay with me," You mutter, because it is a lot of blood pooling in his hand and on his shirt. You can't tell how bad the cut is, because of all the blood, but you know you're gonna have to go to the hospital. You wrap the towel around his hand, hoping he'll make it for the drive. "Lydia, we need you to drive." You call, and she's shaking her head when you turn.
"Uh, I can't drive right now. But you two have fun!" She throws you the keys, and you barely catch them in one hand with your other hand around Stiles still.
"What the fuck?" You ask, because the adrenaline and the leftover weed has your filter nonexistent.
"You'll be fine! Text us updates!" Malia calls, and when Stiles slumps against you there's no time to argue.
"God, you owe me for this!" You grunt, then lead Stiles to the car.
~
You're laughing at the hospital, though, because Stiles is finally high on some pain meds they had to give him since he was freaking out so much about the blood. You're waiting for the doctor to come stitch him up, the cut already having been cleaned and disinfected.
"Why were you opening the box and not someone who wouldn't have to take a trip to the hospital?" You ask, crossing your arms as you stand next to his bed. Liam and Scott could have opened the box and they would have been fine with their healing ability.
"I don't know." Stiles shrugs, a small smile on his face. "I guess we didn't think about it."
"Clearly." You roll your eyes but you're still smiling fondly. You're really not that upsetting at having to leave, because it's not like you were doing much.
"Hello, Mr. Stilinski," The doctor walks in, and holy hell. He's hot. He's got blond hair and some stubble, green eyes dark and you're instantly enamored. He frowns at the chart, and you aren't sure if he's looking at Stiles' first name or his injury. "What do we have going on here?"
"I cut my hand open." Stiles' words had been little short, and you turn to him with a frown. He's staring at the doctor, and the two of you had just been laughing and joking.
"Seems like it isn't your dominant hand then, which is lucky." The doctor says with a smile, then looks over at you. "Also lucky your girlfriend could take you on what I assume was a busy holiday."
"Oh, we aren't together." You say quickly, and you can feel Stiles' eyes on you but you refuse to look at him. What's the harm in telling this hot doctor you aren't together when you don't even know him? The whole point of this ruse was that the two of you were lonely; you're not actually dating, and this can't go on forever.
"Well, must be a nice friend." He says with a smile, and then he goes to Stiles' side to help stitch up his hand.
And you don't tell Stiles' because he's already down on his luck. But when he's signing the discharge paper, the hot doctor (Dr. Beau Arlen, he introduces himself), gives you his number. Because you aren't a patient, and it's technically a grey area, and even though Stiles stared at him the entire time he got stitches even though he hates blood, Dr. Arlen thinks you're pretty.
You don't tell anyone, because you can't, but you do the happy dance after dropping Stiles off at his apartment. And you pretend the feeling in your chest is only for Stiles' poor hand, and not anything else.
Liam and Hayden's Wedding (Labor Day)
You get a little too busy to call Dr. Arlen. Because right before Liam and Hayden's wedding, there's an omega killed a couple miles away, and Scott and Liam have to deal with that. Hayden is upset, understandably, so you, Lydia and Malia take on a lot of the wedding prep that Liam would have been helping with. They aren't really doing a wedding party outside of maid of honor and best man, going to Hayden's sister and Mason, but Hayden assures you that you would all be in the wedding if they were doing that.
"She was flirting with the doctor, dude!" Stiles is on his couch as if Scott is his therapist, and he has been talking about you flirting with the doctor since before his hand has healed.
"You aren't together, so why is this bothering you so much?" Scott has his theory, but he can't just tell Stiles this. Stiles doesn't take news like this well.
"I don't know, maybe because I was sitting in a hospital bed and she was flirting with the man who was supposed to be helping me!" He cries, and Scott sighs. He understands that he's the only one who knows this whole thing is a ruse, but he's starting to wish maybe he had told Stiles the two of you should just actually date.
"You had a cut on your hand, man. You weren't dying." Scott is always on Stiles' team, of course. It's his best friend. But he cannot handle this bitching. "If it's bothering you this much, just take someone else to the wedding." Scott suggests, because maybe seeing you with someone else will knock his head into place.
"Ya know what, that's a great idea. I'll call her now." Stiles says, and Scott nods, hoping they get this together. He cannot handle more of this bitching and moaning.
When you answer the phone, you're laying on your bed, reading a book. You put it down when you saw Stiles' name, glad he called because it's so close to the wedding and you had some questions. You slide your bookmark, the picture strip from the St. Patrick's Day photobooth into the book to keep your place.
"Stiles, I'm glad you called. I wanted to talk to you about the wedding." You say, sitting up.
"Great, I actually wanted to talk you about that too." He says, and you smile a bit, glad he's on the same page.
"I was thinking-"
"I think we should bring a different date to the wedding." Stiles says, cutting off your question of what color the two of you should wear to match. You blink, shocked. This feels like it's coming out of nowhere. "That's what you were going to say, right?" He asks, and you have no idea where he's getting this from. But you don't want to hold him back, and this was never meant to be a forever deal.
"Right, yeah." You nod, even though you have this weird feeling in your chest. You push it away, nodding even though he can't see you. "That makes sense." It's awkwardly quiet over the phone, and you have no idea what to do.
"Well, I'll see you at the wedding." He says, and you just hang up because what the hell. What just happened?
You have no idea who you're going to ask, and you can't help but wonder who Stiles is going to ask.
What you do know is this is going to suck.
~
In the end you asked Beau, the doctor, if he would come, because you literally had no one else. And so you showed up, not matching because that was a stupid idea you have no idea why you would ever suggest that, and you wait for Stiles to get there.
"Why the frown?" Beau asks, one hand on your cheek as if to smooth the lines. You try to smile, looking around the nice venue for everyone. Lydia is with Sam still, and the two of them are sitting at a table with Scott and Kira. Just as you order a drink, you spot Malia, who you're pretty sure has just broken up with her boyfriend. And then you see Stiles, who has Cynthia on his arm.
Fucking Cynthia.
You down your drink and order another, pretending like you haven't seen them and ignoring Beau's odd look at you.
The ceremony is gorgeous, and during dinner you and Stiles make sure you're not sitting next to each other, which is super awkward for all your friends. Lydia has come to sit next to you, and Scott and Kira next to Stiles. And your eyes feel glued to his table, to him and Cynthia all over each other.
"Are you alright?" Beau asks during dinner, and you nod far too many times for you to actually be alright. "Because you keep looking over at the guy who I stitched up. The one who you swore was not your boyfriend?" Beau is smiling, but it seems forced. Lydia snaps her head to you, and your eyes widen.
"When exactly did you and Stiles break up?" Ah, yes, because you had to tell everyone that the two of you broke up, which was really not as bad as you thought it would be considering you were all adults and the friend group wasn't hinging on your relationship. You could be in the same room without things being weird.
"It's been weird for awhile." You say, gulping more of your drink. Lydia eyes you, and you know you're going to have to come clean soon. "But I'm fine, honestly. It's why I asked you to be here." You tell him with a smile, and he nods, believing you. You lean into him, and out of the corner of your eye you can see Cynthia and Stiles laughing. It makes your heart clench, and you just snuggle closer to Beau.
Once the dance floor begins to open up, Beau grabs your hand and you take it, smiling as he leads you to the floor. You allow it to happen as he swings you around, the two of you dancing to pop songs until you fall backwards as Beau had been spinning you, right into Cynthia.
Of fucking course.
When you were actually having fun, she comes up and ruins it. And she had been holding a drink, which spills all over her dress and your shoes.
"Oh my God, my dress! What is your problem?" She cries, and you stare wide eyed, because that had not been your fault.
"I didn't mean to." You say, because you really don't like this bitch. "Let me get you some towels." You mutter, barley containing the urge to roll your eyes as you walk over to the bar. Stiles follows you, and you want to warn him not to, that he decided you shouldn't be at this wedding together so he needs to leave.
"I'm sorry, I didn't-"
"Whatever." You cut Stiles off, waiting for the bartender to be done with the line of customers.
"Why are you being rude?" Stiles has the nerve to ask, and you are out of patience.
"Maybe because your date was just a bitch to me when I was finally having a good time." You admit, not even looking at him.
"You mean you haven't been having the time of your life with Dr. Sexy over here? How long have you been taking to him? We could have broken our agreement sooner." He says, and you roll your eyes.
"Are you seriously jealous? Over the doctor that stitched your hand when you were drunk?" You question, and it's quiet until you look at Stiles.
"I'm not fucking jealous. I'm just saying you could have told me." And you realize that maybe you and Stiles are a little more close than you originally thought.
"I didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell. I haven't talked to him since the Fourth." You roll your eyes, about to order a drink when the bartender looks at you before you remember why you're here. "We need some towels please." He nods, turning to grab them.
"Oh," Stiles sounds a little dejected, and you are too annoyed with this whole situation to care.
"You're the one who said we should bring different dates. How long have you had Cynthia locked and loaded?" You ask, and Stiles sighs.
"I only said that because I wanted to make sure you didn't feel trapped in our deal." He says, and you can't help your scowl when he says it.
"I'll be sure to tell you next time." You snark, grabbing the towels from the bartender and turning to go back to your dates. By the time you get to where you left them, Beau has a couple napkins pressed to Cynthia's boobs and they're looking into each other's eyes. You freeze, dropping the towels, and you want to just scream because what the fuck is your life?
"I'll text you some halloween costume ideas." Stiles says, and you nod, turning back to the bar to get multiple shots.
Halloween
"We're not going as Han Solo and Leia." You argue for what feels like the seventeenth time.
"Why not?" You finally crumble, because you are so tired of this argument.
"Because I want to be sexy. And it's hard to be sexy while wearing a white dress and buns." You're at Stiles' place, going through Pinterest on your computer.
"Carrie Fisher did it." Stiles argues, and you sigh.
"I am not Carrie." Because it's hard to argue with that kind of logic.
"Nobody is." Stiles says forlornly, and you scroll a little more to find something Stiles would actually agree with.
"What about Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde?" You ask, seeing some cute inspo.
"So you don't want to be Princess Leia because it isn't sexy enough, but you want to be a bunny cop?" Stiles asks, and you roll your eyes.
"Do you have any ideas that don't involve being a total nerd?" You ask, and he has to take a deep breath.
"What about pirates? Is that slutty enough for you?" He asks, and you frown. But you honestly can't think of any other option that he would agree with.
"Fine." You agree, shutting your computer and pouring more wine into your glass. But you're buying the costumes."
~
Worst idea of your life.
You can't breathe as Lydia laces up the corset, which is two sizes to small. A good thing, maybe for everyone looking at you. But for your organs? It's the worst.
"What the hell is wrong with thing?" Lydia asks as she pulls tight, taking your breath away before tying it tight.
"I let Stiles get it." You breathe out, and you feel a slight pain in your right side but pretend you don't for right now. Everything feels wrong, and this stupid corset is making it worse.
"Never making that mistake again." She tells you, and you nod. You sneeze, and then feel a little light headed, but shake it off. Halloween only comes once a year, and like all important holiday parties, it is thrown at Derek's old place. "Are you gonna be okay?" She can tell something is wrong, but you haven't told anyone about how you don't feel well. You can tough this out.
"Yeah, great." You say, and then the two of you are off.
When you arrive, the party is in full swing. It takes you a second to find Stiles, and when he hands you a drink you really don't want it but you know you need to act the part for tonight. You take a sip, but you are not feeling it.
"Are you alright?" Stiles asks, arm around you. You want to just melt into him, but this isn't the time or place. Plus, he's wearing his own pirate costume, complete with a hat, and it isn't very comfortable.
"Yeah." You nod, taking a deep breath and drinking more of the punch. You're lying; you want to go home more than anything. But that would be leaving Stiles alone, and the whole point of this was to not leave each other alone.
You try to stick it out, and everything is going fine until you see Noah. And Clem is there too, and they're dressed as Nick and Judy with a baby elephant.
You are going to lose your shit.
"Y/N!" He calls, and you want to ask who the hell invited him. How did he get here. And whose child is this?
"Noah," You can't stop staring at the baby, and the couple notices this.
"This is baby Jude! We adopted him right after we eloped last month." Clem says, eyes on her baby, and you feel yourself falling into Stiles.
"That's just.. great!" Stiles answers for you, and then he's steering you away because you had dropped your drink and it was now flooding people's shoes. "What the hell is wrong with them?" He asks, trying to get your mind off of them. The pain in your side is getting unbearable, and you can barely breathe.
"Get me out of here." You wheeze, emotion whirling around your head. You are feeling too much right now, and you need to go.
"Of course." Stiles grabs your hand and leads you out immediately, not even saying goodbye to your friends.
You feel even worse on the drive home, and by the time you get to Stiles' apartment complex you are ready to die. You're going to throw up, you know this now. And you're in this stupid corset that you think has bruised at least one rib.
"Get this off of me." You say as the two of you get in the elevator, and Stiles turns to you.
"What?" He asks, but you are already struggling with the corset.
"Get this fucking thing off!" You shriek, wanting to kill him for buying you this stupid corset in the first place. "I'm going to throw up, oh my God!" You cry, and this springs Stiles into action.
"It's okay, I promise we'll get it off." He tells you, but he starts pulling and honestly it's making it worse. You're yelling at him, hands holding the railing as you bend over and breathe, when the doors open and an older couple is right there. Stiles turns and smiles awkwardly at them, knowing exactly what this looks like with you bent over and his hands on your corset, but you don't even notice because you're too busy breathing so you don't throw up all over yourself. The doors close and you continue to go up to their apartment.
"Where's werewolf strength when you need it?" You cry, head tilted up as if you were praying. The doors open finally on Stiles' floor, and the two of you stumble to the door, you sweating and Stiles working on the knot and grabbing his keys. You make it into the apartment and go straight to the bathroom, and you slam the door on Stiles who still couldn't get the corset off.
"Did you make it?" Stiles calls through the door, and you just groan. Because to put it in the best terms, you did not make it.
You find yourself naked in Stiles' bathtub after he finally untied the corset, and sure enough there's bruising around your ribs. Stiles, ever the sweet man he is, has his detachable nozzle and is washing your hair. And despite the circumstance, and the fact that you have your knees pulled up to your chest to hide your boobs, this is the most intimate thing you have ever done. More intimate that sex, more intimate than saying 'I love you.'
And holy fuck, what is wrong with your heart?
You get into Stiles' bed after, him giving you a large sleep shirt. You stare at him as he strips to get into bed too, and then finally the two of you are facing each other.
"That's gonna be a funny icebreaker on your next real date." There's a lump in your throat as you say it, and you don't know if it's from embarrassment or the thought of him going on another date.
"I'm not going to tell anyone." He says simply, grabbing your hand. You nod, because if you speak right now tears are going to fall out of your eyes. "And knowing me, you'll be able to get me back sometime soon." He says, fully pulling you into his arms to sleep. You let him, and you silently hope that someday you can make him feel as comfortable as he has made you during what should have been a humiliating moment.
~
In the morning, you wake up to see Stiles already staring at you. Your cheeks heat up, and without saying anything he leans in. You put a hand on his chest, pausing him.
"Wait," You see his face fall. "If we do this, are we going to be dating for real?" You ask, and Stiles just smiles while he shakes his head.
"That is an entire conversation we'll have to have. And we can have it after this." You nod slightly and then your lips are touching, and you have to admit this is one of the best kisses you've ever had. You're completely in his arms, and when he reaches underneath your shirt it's not weird or pushy, it's nice and you actually want it.
And that's how you find yourself naked for the second time, this time in Stiles' arms and completely satiated. You know Stiles wants to talk about it, you can feel him practically bursting to start the conversation, but you're pretending to be asleep because your heart is beating out of your chest for fear of what this means.
Until someone comes through the front door.
"Stiles!" Scott yells, and Stiles shoots up, putting his pants on and running out. "Stiles, man, I fucked up!" He cries, and you can't help but pull the sheets up and listen.
"What?" Stiles asks, and Scott starts pacing.
"I kissed Malia last night." He confesses, and your eyes widen.
"Oh God." Stiles says, because he knows Scott has just announced this to you as well, and now you're either going to tell Kira or you're going to have to lie to your friend.
"I don't even know how it happened." Scott is going on, and you quickly find your clothes because you need to leave.
"Where were you?" Stiles asks, and then you come out of Stiles' room and Scott's eyes go wide.
"Stiles," Scott says, and Stiles sighs.
"I'm just gonna go, sounds like you two need some time." You say, and Scott just nods, not able to stop staring.
"What did you do?" Scott asks when the door shuts, and Stiles groans.
"I think I fucked everything up." Stiles says, and the best friends realize maybe they'll have to renew their lease next year on the account that they'll both be single together forever.
Thanksgiving
You don't talk about Thanksgiving with Stiles. In fact, you're practically avoiding him, not answering his calls and only texting when necessary. But he knows the two of you are going to your house for Thanksgiving since you went to his place for Easter, so if he plans on coming you'll see him there.
You deal with your family asking about him, about if you're getting serious and you know you'll need to move a little faster cause you're not getting younger, and your mother is so into this conversation that she burns the turkey and the rolls that were on the bottom rack, and because she had accidentally set the oven too high the glass on top of the mashed potatoes that were sitting on the stove shattered and got into the side dishes so everything was ruined.
"Y/N will get us replacements, since she's the only one without a significant other to care!" You mutter under your breath as you put your shoes on. Your mom hadn't said that exactly, but she may as well have. Just as you open the door, Stiles stands there with a pie in his hands, just like you had brought one to Easter.
"Perfect, one less thing for the two of you to get at the store." Your mom takes the pie and shoos you out. She's not the biggest fan of Stiles since he never made it to the Mother's Day luncheon, and you hadn't told her that it was because of his own mother because it wasn't her business. You roll your eyes as you push past Stiles and close the door, heading to your car.
"Come on, my mom burnt dinner." You call, and the two of you make your way to the grocery store.
It's awkward, you won't lie. But you don't want to talk, and Stiles does, and that's how you end up fighting on Thanksgiving in a fucking Costco.
"I think you're afraid." Stiles says, and you stop pushing the cart. You had been pretending not to hear him or to misunderstand him up until this point, but there is no hiding now.
"Afraid." You repeat, because there's no way he's starting this on Thanksgiving.
"We need to talk about what happened. But you left." He's in front of the cart, almost begging you now and you close your eyes as you shake your head against the emotions.
"I left because Scott was having an emotional emergency." You defend, pushing the cart a little bit but Stiles is resisting.
"You have been ignoring me. And I know that this is scary and new but it's us. But I think we can do this." He sounds so corny and it's what you want but he's right, this is scary. And you're just not ready for it.
"I'm not ignoring you. I've just been busy." You know it's the wrong thing to say when Stiles' face falls and he nods, breathing deep before letting go of the cart and walking away.
"You know you have to take chances, or you're going to be alone for the holidays. And you can't blame anyone for that." He shrugs, and you have no defense - you can't even yell after him. You just watch him walk out, leaving you with groceries for your happy family and their happy families.
~
You eat Thanksgiving dinner alone, just like you have every year of your life, and you cannot stop thinking about what Stiles said. You knew the kiss and everything that came after on Halloween was real. And you knew that leaving and ignoring Stiles would lead to hurt in the long run. But you thought maybe you would have more time. You wanted to live in the in between.
When you go back to your own place, you decide to just read the book you've been reading. But the bookmark you've been using is the Photo Booth pictures from St. Patrick's day, the two of you tipsy and having fun. And you miss that. You miss him. You see the picture on the bottom, of the two of you staring at each other, and you wonder what it would have felt like if you weren't drunk, if you could fully remember his jeans under your skirt or his hand on your thigh while his eyes pierced into you.
Maybe you should talk to him.
You make his way to his apartment, heart beating faster every second that passes. You take a deep breath before you get out of your car, jacket bundled up to your ears against the cold. At the front door you hesitate at the buzzer; you don't have a key to their apartment, so you have to announce your presence. And what if he isn't even there? Oh God, is this a mistake -
"Yeah, no, I'm on my way. I'll be there soon. Yeah," Stiles' voice drifts out of the open door, and you don't turn. You're frozen, unable to make your body look at him, much less talk to him. You have royally fucked this up and God, what would you even say? What would make all of this okay at this point?
So you wait, frozen for a minute more, and then get back in your car and drive back to your lonely apartment.
Christmas
"What happened with you and Stiles? I really thought you guys were cute together. You always kept getting back together." She tells you, and your heart clenches. You're out Christmas shopping, and everyone knows at this point that you and Stiles broke up. For good, this time.
"I have something to admit." You say slowly, because you can't keep lying to her. "Stiles and I were faking it. The whole time. We were tired of being the only ones that didn't have anyone, so we made a pact that we would be together for holidays." You tell her, and she's not as shocked as you thought she would be.
"Well, yeah. We all knew you were faking it before Liam and Hayden's wedding." She says, and you stop walking, jaw dropped at her.
"I'm sorry what?" You ask, letting Lydia pull you along so you don't hold up traffic.
"You guys were kinda obvious. But after the wedding we thought you got together for real? Did you not?" She asks as you get in line for the escalator.
"No! No, it was still fake, except on Halloween the most intimate moment of my entire life happened and then we had sex." Lydia looks confused, blinking.
"Wait, sex wasn't the most intimate moment of your life?" She asks, the two of you stepping on the slowest moving escalator ever crowded with a million people.
"No!" You say simply, because you are not about to admit to her that you throwing up all over yourself and Stiles having to help you shower like a child led to the most intimate moment of your life. And I messed it all up because I don't know how to tell him that he's right, I am afraid." You say, leaning your elbow on the moving railing and putting your head in your hand.
"Do you love him?" Lydia asks quietly, and you take a deep breath.
"I have never felt like this with anyone before." You admit, pulling your head out of your hands and looking up, right into Stiles' eyes.
You're breathless as you stare, the two of you going opposite ways on the escalator. You finally tear your eyes away and numbly step off the escalator, walking quickly away with Lydia.
"What are you doing?" She asks, grabbing your shoulders. "Go tell him how you feel!"
"I can't!" You're panting, your heart racing at just the thought of telling Stiles exactly what has been going on in your mind.
"Yes you can!" She pulls you closer, smiling slightly. "You two are perfect for each other. The only thing standing in the way of it is you." She says, and you know she's right. You nod, gathering all the courage you have in yourself and running over to the balcony edge.
"Stiles!" You call, trying to find him in the sea of people. "Stiles!" You see him, moving away from everyone, and you sprint to the actual stairs, much less crowded, and go down them two at a time. You continue calling his name as you push through people, until finally you decide this is pointless and stand on a bench between a dad and his daughter who look like they're being tortured.
"Stiles!" You scream, and finally he turns, along with half the people in the mall. They're all looking at you, and your heart beats out of your chest. Christmas music plays in the background, and you know now is your chance. "Stiles, I'm sorry. I thought that I could just push away all my emotions and keep things the way they were, but that's not the way that life should be lived. And I want to live my life with you. I want to wake up with you, and fall asleep with you, and when I'm trapped in a corset there is no one else I would rather be riding the elevator with." You say with a small smile, watching him fight his own smile. No one else gets the joke, and some people are already moving along, but it's not about them. It doesn't matter.
"I'm sorry I didn't stay. I'm sorry I didn't talk. You were right, I was afraid. Because I love you. And I don't think I've ever loved someone the way I love you." You hold your breath as you wait for him to respond, blood rushing in your ears.
"Not even Noah?" He finally asks, and you let out a half delirious laugh as you jump off the bench and make your way to him. He was already running to you, and it was a short distance so you crash together and you think maybe you're crying, which is so, so stupid.
"I love you." You say again, and then you're both leaning back, looking in each other's eyes.
"I love you too." He says, leaning in for a kiss. The two of you come together with his hands on your hips and yours on his face, and you don't think life could get better than this.
"Does this mean we're going to mine for Christmas?" He asks, and you shake your head, foreheads pressed together and eyes still closed.
christmas has come early because i'm going out of town! thank you to all the love and support, every like, comment, and reblog. I truly love you all and it means so much that you love the book as much as I do
You hadn’t come out of your room in two days.
Natasha had followed Steve in when he carried you to your room, pulling your headpiece out of your hair and cleaning the blood from the amount of hits you took against the wall. She changed you into a pair of pjs, but gently hung up your dress, knowing it was one of the only remnants of the life you built while you were away. You hadn’t explained everything that happened, obviously you hadn’t been in the right mind to, but she knew you had changed. You had fallen in love with someone, and being ripped apart from them had ruined you.
The team had been giving you space, not really sure what to do with you. They were no closer to getting everyone back; in fact, the general consensus was that there was no getting everyone back anymore. Trying to get just Bucky back had almost lost you, and getting you back had basically killed you.
They weren’t going to let you starve yourself though, so on the second day Natasha came in, holding a bowl of soup. You were laying in bed, covers wrapped around your body, eyes red rimmed and half open as you stared blankly at the wall.
“I brought you some soup that Wanda made.” She tells you gently, and you have absolutely no reaction to this. She knew you wouldn’t, but she also knew that you needed to open up before you bottled everything up and it became too much. So, she set the soup down on your bedside table, sighed, then sat on the edge of your bed.
You didn’t move an inch.
“I know you went through a lot. And we don’t have to talk about everything. But we bottled up the Red Room, and that didn’t get us anywhere.” She tells you, and you don’t even so much as blink at the mention of the Red Room. This is a little shocking, so Natasha takes a deep breath, then pulls what she has been hiding in her waistband out. You don’t look over, and Natasha starts talking. “You dropped this when you came back. None of us can figure out what it is. Not even Tony. And no one wants to touch it without you there.” You turn to face her, finally, and your eyes go wide.
Natasha is holding Mace Windu’s lightsaber, the one you picked up and used to defend yourself from Palpatine. You must have clutched it all the way back to Obi-Wan’s, not even noticing between Obi-Wan’s revelation and your knowledge that could change the galaxy.
“That is a lightsaber." You whisper, eyes glued to the device. You take it out of her hand, holding it gingerly. It’s a relic from the place you felt at home. It brings you pain, but it also brings you a sense of familiarness.
You look into Natasha’s eyes, and then you tell her everything.
You recount the way you had arrived, the way Obi-Wan hadn’t judged you and instead took you in. You tell her about how different their galaxy was, about how they taught you how to fit in, to wear their clothing and do your hair like them and what the Jedi were and how they had a Senate for their government and the war they were fighting in against the Separatists. You explain your cover, and how different but the same their politics were. And then, you can’t hold it off anymore. You have to explain how you fell in love with a Jedi.
“You just said the Jedi don’t have attachments.” Natasha says, and you would smack her across the face for being so stupid. You know she’s smarter than this.
“They don’t. I mean, they’re not supposed to.” Your head is swimming, maybe from your interdimensional travel but most likely from the fact that you haven’t eaten anything in two days. You’re not hungry; you feel hollow, but food won’t fill this. Nothing on Earth will fill the hole you have gaping in your soul. “Anakin and Padmé were together. But all of these attachments were secretive. And Obi-Wan and I weren’t dating. It was different.” You don’t know how to describe it to someone who has no chance of getting it, and as you stare at Natasha, who wants to understand so badly, you are hit with the fact that this is the first time you’ve had an experience that she will not ever understand. And you were there for three years; there’s simply no way to consolidate your life there into a story.
“Different how?” She leans forward, and your throat closes with emotion.
“Different because it was so slow. He taught me how to wield his lightsaber. He made time for me during his day, even though he was on the Council.” This is going to go right over her head, you know it will, and you press your lips together to try and keep it in. “I stayed in his rooms. Not always in his bed, but on his couch, or him on the couch. And when I moved to Anakin’s so we wouldn’t get caught, there were still times when I would stay over at his place.” You remember the night when the two of you fell asleep on his couch together, when you were teaching him about your world. You would give anything to be back there, which scares you slightly because this place is supposed to be your home.
Their galaxy is in the middle of a war, and you are thrown in the epicenter of the shitshow, but you would still prefer to be there. And maybe that makes you selfish, because you would rather be in a galaxy currently falling apart than helping a universe rebuild the mess you’ve made, but you deserve to be selfish. Your whole life, you’ve been used and abused by men in power, and for once you want to take them down instead of living in their destructive wake.
“He brought me to a planet that resembled Earth because I was homesick. He got hurt, and I had to fix him up, and that’s why he taught me how to wield his lightsaber.” You swear you can feel the ghost of his fingers against your arm, the way he stood behind you. “Palpatine, the Chancellor of the Galactic Senate, somehow found out about this. He had video evidence, he knew I wasn’t from the galaxy. He told me he could help me win, but I would have to work with him. And if I refused, he would show the Jedi Council his footage, and blow my cover. I couldn’t risk Obi-Wan,” You cut yourself off, looking at Natasha, and you can tell she understands completely, even if she’s confused about the rules.
If it had just been you, you would have tried to take him out. No harm, no foul if you fail. Either way, you’re no longer under a man’s thumb. But with Obi-Wan in the mix, you once again were forced to bend to the will of a man in power.
“I would have won anyway. I made friends with some of Padmé’s connections. But I needed to keep Obi-Wan safe.” You skip over the part where he faked his death, knowing Natasha would be concerned and have more questions than the story would answer. “He went on a dangerous mission, and when he came back I kissed him. Before we had the chance to talk about it, he was called to battle. And then I was called by Palpatine, and everything fell apart.” All of this is too fresh for you to explain, so you lay back down on the bed, thinking of your final moments with Obi-Wan. You want to explain how Padmé is pregnant. You want to explain how you need to go back and help her, how Anakin is in grave danger, but there’s no way. You can’t get the words out of your mouth, and it’s a moot point because there is no going back.
There is no getting everyone in this universe back, and there is no saving everyone in the other galaxy. You have failed, in every sense of the word.
Natasha is talking, but you’re not listening. You’re replaying every moment with Obi-Wan, wishing you had talked first instead of him. If only you had caught your breath, if only you were in Red Room shape.
And suddenly, you know exactly what you’re going to do with your time.
You’re in the training room for a straight month before Bucky finally comes in.
You weren’t sure when you were expecting him to come see you, but it wasn’t a month after you got back. If you had to guess, it would have been at least a couple more months. You knew you had hurt him, that it had been only weeks to him where you had left and fell in love with a different man, fell harder than you ever imagined was possible and clearly more in love than you had been with Bucky. He was hurting, and he had every right to be.
“Your form is sloping.” Bucky says as you breathe heavily and move off the punching bag. You had been spending a lot of time with your wraps, punching the shit out of the bag and imagining it was Palpatine’s stupid body. You did some weight training, a little cardio, and a lot of training on the bag. But what you spent most of your time doing was in your gym bag, tucked away where no one could see so they wouldn’t know.
“I’m just tired.” You said, and that was part of the reason you were working so hard. You were exhausted, not being able to sleep, but you had to get your endurance up.
“You could rest.” He says, but he understands exactly what you’re doing. The two of you share a look. It breaks your heart just a little that the two of you can still understand each other after all this time, that even if it hasn’t been a lot of time for him, you’ve changed so much. But through it all, you and Bucky can still read each other.
It’s silent in the room, and you watch Bucky stare at one spot on the wall. You know what he came in here to talk about, but you wait until he starts the conversation.
“Did you love me?” He asks quietly, and your heart shatters for him.
“Of course I did.” You whisper, not able to move. You can see why he would think differently; the spell had taken you as far as possible from him, and you came back much more torn apart over a man than you had ever been over Bucky.
“I need you to tell me what happened.” He finally looks at you, and you feel yourself cave. Part of you still loves him, will always love him, but it’s a different kind of love. It’s a caring love, because Bucky means so much to you. But you don’t love him even a fraction of the way you love Obi-Wan.
“Bucky, I don’t want to hurt you.” You tell him, because it’s true. If you tell him what he thinks he wants to hear, it can only hurt.
“You’ve changed, and I just want to understand why.” He cares so much, you don’t want to do this to him.
“The spell took me to my true love. I still love you, Bucky, but it’s a different kind of love.” You try, but he shakes his head, biting his bottom lip and looking away.
“But it took me to my true love. It brought me back.” He says, and your lips part as you realize exactly what he’s been grappling with this whole time. He thinks you are his true love, but he’s not your’s.
“That’s not what happened.” You say, but you honestly have no idea because you don’t like talking about the spell. If it can’t send you back, there’s no point. It can’t save your friends, so why would you care?
“Yes it is!” Bucky argues, not raising his voice but putting more emotion into his tone. You shake your head and start to unwrap your hands, walking over to your bag. “If you weren’t my true love, then why would I come back here? There’s no reason for me to be here. I should have stayed dusted, I-”
“Don’t say that!” You seethe, whipping around to look at him. You hit your gym bag as you do, and it falls to the ground. Bucky looks down, then does a double take as you continue talking. “You are here for a reason, Bucky. I’m sorry we didn’t work out, but we were never going to anyway. You and I are too similar. We are two sides of the same coin and it would not work in the long run. We are too broken. But we don’t have to be.” You feel emotion in your chest, but Bucky still isn’t looking at you. He’s looking at the ground. You finally follow his gaze to see what he’s looking at, and the room stills.
Your ballet shoes have fallen out of your bag.
Bucky knows a lot about the Red Room. He spent some time there as the Winter Soldier, very briefly, but you also have talked to him about it. He knows what it means that you’ve brought the shoes out, that they’re tucked away in your bag waiting for everyone to go to sleep.
“Why do you have those?” He asks, his words almost silent. But you hear them, even over the blood rushing through your ears.
“It’s just practice.” You rush to put them away, setting your bag down better so it doesn’t fall again.
“It’s never just practice.” Bucky paces over to you, and you want to close your eyes but you know that would make it worse so you just stare at him. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m coping!” You yell, finally over it all. “I am coping in the only way I know how, because I lost the love of my life and I can never get him back.” You cry, trying not to let the tears welling in your eyes fall down your face.
“I understand.” Bucky nods and steps back, and you deflate as you realize he’s just going to leave. He is done fighting. “But I also lost the love of my life.” The room is silent, your heart shattering.
Bucky doesn’t realize it, but he has just made everything so, so much worse.
Because now, you know there’s no way to save everyone from your ruin. Everything you touch breaks. You are a liability.
When Bucky leaves, you immediately feel in your bag and make sure the other thing didn’t fall out. You’re thankful, because if he had found it, then he would have known how truly wrecked you are.
In your bag, tucked away for only the dead of night when no one would come in even if they were awake, is Mace Windu’s lightsaber. You’ve been practicing with it, because you will be going back. And when you do, you’re going to be prepared to take down Palpatine.
You go on like this for weeks, and the weeks turn into months. It’s exhausting, but when you aren’t dancing or training, you’re thinking of Obi-Wan, and you can’t have that. Going back would be too late now. If you went back, you’d have to be ready to fight, because there was no telling what you would go into. Who knew what had happened to Anakin in the past months, and Padmé would have had her baby. Their lives were so different, and you were stuck preparing to find a way to go back.
Which is how you find yourself at Tony’s new house, a year after you had come back, unable to take it. When he opens the door, it’s dark outside, and you’re holding a single bag. You have purple bags underneath your eyes, and you look strong but so, so exhausted and sagging.
“What’s going on?” He asks, and you don’t even know where to begin.
“I have to go back.” You whisper, voice cracking, and Tony understands. You can’t let this go, and you can’t move on. But he can’t help you, at least not right now.
“Pepper is pregnant.” He says, and you blink. The team did not know about this - they would have told you. You are the first one he’s told.
“I just want you to help me. Everyone else can wait.” You beg, and Tony sighs. You’re asking a lot right now, you know you are, but you can’t figure out how to travel between dimensions by yourself.
“I don’t know that I would want everything else.” Tony admits, and you almost breathe out a sigh of relief.
“I just told you I want you to permanently send me to another dimension.” You try to offer a smile, but you know it comes out crooked. “I don’t want everything else. Not anymore.” You cannot focus on saving everyone else in a dimension where they’re already gone. But Obi-Wan’s galaxy is not too late. You could help the galaxy, if only you could get there. You can’t do anything but train on Earth, watching as buildings slowly crumble from people just simply not caring, or not enough people being able to.
“I can’t promise we will get you there.” Tony says, but he moves out of the doorway to let you into his home. “But I’ll try.” And that’s all you really need. Some hope.
But your hope runs out quickly when five months later, you’re no closer to getting back to the galaxy you want to be in, and Pepper has the baby. Tony is suddenly very busy, which is understandable, but you’re now figuring out interdimensional travel on your own. And it’s not easy.
Every minute you spend on Earth is a minute Obi-Wan and Anakin and Padmé are suffering. You lie awake at night thinking about them, wondering what they’re doing and if they’re okay. You’re worried that if you don’t figure out how to get back soon, you’re never going to sleep again.
You babysit Tony’s daughter Morgan, watching as she grows. You try to meet up every month with Steve and Natasha, the only ones who still live in New York, but you feel like you can’t tell them about your plan to go back to the Galactic Senate, so there’s a hole in your relationship that you just can’t fill.
The world keeps spinning, and you get nowhere with your progress, until three years after you were sent back, when Scott Lang shows up at the Avengers Compound.
You leave without telling Tony, because you know this is the key you’ve been missing to get back where you belong. It has to be.
And it is a key. But it isn’t the key you need. It’s the key for Tony to figure out time travel.
Your heart cracks open that night.
You lay alone in your room, everyone knowing that you need time to take this in. Tony is going to tell the team tomorrow about his discovery, but he told you first, knowing you needed to hear it from him.
“There is a way to time travel.” Tony confirms, standing in the entrance to the kitchen. You were up baking, something you did when you had too much energy but Tony locked the gym because he wasn’t letting you kill yourself with training. You pause, not looking up from the batter but freezing with your muscles pulled tight. “And I figured it out.” He tells you what you already know, and you feel like you can’t breathe.
“And there’s still no way,” You cut yourself off, closing your eyes and trying not to think about the place you never dared to go. You were giving up on your dream of going back to Obi-Wan, your true home even if it wasn’t where you were from.
“No.” It’s such a simple word, but it cracks your heart into pieces. All you want most in this world is to go to Obi-Wan, to be with him. And there is no way to get you there. “There technically is a way, but we don’t have the amount of PYM Particles needed. You would need more than we even have available to travel to the signature we traced from the lightsaber, and with Hank Pym gone, we can’t make more.” Your heart splinters, but in an unfamiliar way this time. It begins to race, and a lump forms in your throat as you look up, watching Tony stare at you intently.
“So there’s a chance?” You ask, traitorous hope filling your body. You want to tamp it down, to not let it fill you just to break you all over again, but you aren’t strong enough. You can already feel it in your veins; the possibility of being able to hold Obi-Wan again, to be held by him.
“Possibily. But we’d have to bring everyone back to do it.” You would have agreed anyway, but now you can’t fail. You will bring everyone home, and then you can finally go home.
You agree to help the Avengers, to team up one last time. You can’t change the past, but you can get the stones from the past to bring everyone back in the present. You join Tony, Steve, Scott and Bruce, going with Bruce to get the time stone. It’s a horrifying battle, and you’re sure Tony and Steve are lost. You throw yourself into Tony’s arms when everyone appears back at the compound. You’ve become so close with him, having lived with him for years now and seen him grow as a dad. You couldn’t imagine Morgan having to live without her father, having to bring everyone back just to explain to them that the one person who saved them didn’t make it. Only when you’re separating do you realize the quietness.
Natasha is gone.
You push through, but you’re numb. You’ve lost everything, it feels like. Natasha was there for you when you came out of the Red Room, when you were on the run from the government, when the universe lost, and even when you came back from a different galaxy. Natasha has always been there. But you push through, because you have to and because you’re so close now, you can’t let her sacrifice be in vain. When Bruce snaps, you don’t even get to know if you were able to bring everyone back because the Compound is attacked.
You contemplate just staying down, waiting to succumb to your injuries. Your head is pounding, your body weak and you think that a piece of the wall has gone through your arm. It would not be hard to just lay here and hope that when you die you can see Obi-Wan again. But Obi-Wan. But Padmé and Anakin. Even Cody and Senator Organa. They need you. And right now, you have one last chance to get back to them. You just have to win this battle.
You push forward, and you could cry in relief when everyone that had been snapped five years ago (eight for you) show up, ready to fight.
When Thanos gets the stones back, you know you can’t let him use them. You can’t let him take everything you’ve worked so hard for away from you. You run toward him, but he swipes you aside with the flick of his wrist. You’re knocked out, but it’s enough to get Tony in to get the stones himself, to get rid of Thanos and his army.
Steve is shaking you, and when you finally open your eyes there’s destruction everywhere. His eyes are watery, and everyone seems quiet. You look over his shoulder to see Tony, slumped against the wreckage and unmoving. Pepper is crying over him, and everyone is kneeling.
It’s all too much. You turn to the side and throw up, and then pass out again.
Days later you finally emerge from your room, which Steve had brought you to. You eat a couple bites of food, all you can stomach, and then head out to Tony’s memorial. It’s hard to see everyone back, but Pepper looks good, and Morgan is alright.
“He wanted you to have this.” Pepper hands you a piece of paper after the memorial, and you frown. You had been in the room when they played his message, and he hadn’t said anything directly to you. You hadn’t been expecting him to, but you’re wondering now what this paper could have.
You find a bench and sit at, away from the people, and open up the paper. You read it quickly and almost drop it as you begin to shake.
Tony has detailed everything you need to do to get back to Obi-Wan. He had figured it out, and now it’s right here, in writing, for you. You almost cry, but catch yourself as you read the very end.
I know how much you love Obi-Wan. I can see how much you miss him. But you need to know that if you do this, there is no coming back. The amount of Pym Particles needed means you cannot carry extra for a round trip. And the energy you need… we don’t know if you’d be able to get it in that galaxy. Which means you will be stuck there for good.
I don’t want you to leave, but I know how unhappy you are here. Which is why I’m providing you with the choice.
You don’t know what you thought would happen if you were able to go back to Coruscant. Of course, you could never live in both worlds, but you hadn’t thought about the fact that you would never be able to come back to Earth.
Even still, you knew exactly what you were choosing.
Steve went on his mission before you were able to go back.
You weren’t upset. You knew how important his job was, and you knew he would need as many Pym Particles as Hank could make right now. You would just have to wait, which was fine.
And then he went and stayed with Peggy, completely blowing past his time and leaving everyone behind.
It was hard to watch, to say the least. Bucky’s face was set, but you knew his heart was breaking, having his best friend leave him. You hadn’t talked much to him in the past couple years, but you still had love for him. You knew how he must feel, having yet another person choose themselves over him when he’s given so much.
Suddenly, you were unsure of what to do. You had been so ready to go, but watching Bucky as he stared at Steve and Sam, you were torn. Could you really leave him, when he needed people in his life? Could you leave any of your friends when you had just taken such a big blow, and you needed to help rebuild your lives and others?
That night, Bucky had stayed at Tony’s house with you and Pepper in one of the guest rooms. You crept to his room, knocking quietly on the door so you wouldn’t startle him before you opened it. He was laying on his back on the bed, the covers unrumbled over his body and staring at the ceiling.
“What are you doing?” He asks quietly as you close the door, and you feel a lump form in your throat.
“I wanted to check on you.” You admit, even though it feels stupid. You walk in, unsure where to go. Bucky turns only his head to look at you, and you notice he’s been crying.
“Why now?” He asks, and your heart breaks. You walk to the bed, and he moves over, turning onto his side. You hesitate for just a moment before you slide into bed next to him, the two of you facing each other. You stare at him, the way you used to eight years ago.
Eight years ago. You are a completely different person now. Before, you and Bucky could at least relate to each other, but now you’ve been through things no one else understands. You are in love with someone you haven’t seen in five years, that no one here has ever met or will ever meet. And your true home, the place you feel you belong, is a galaxy far, far away.
“Because I know what today must have felt like. And I don’t want to leave you alone.” You admit, and Bucky sighs, his mask barely slipping for a moment for you to see his heartbreak.
“I am not going to be the reason you don’t go back home.” He tells you, and you’re taken aback. You do think of Coruscant as your home, of Obi-Wan as your home, but you have never admitted this to anyone on Earth. You didn’t want to hurt your friends on here, especially when everyone was already hurting.
“Bucky, I have no idea what could be going on there. But here, I’m needed. You need me, Morgan needs me. The world needs me to help them rebuild.” You explain, and Bucky shakes his head, frowning.
“They need you too.” He tells you, and as much as you would love to argue you know it’s true. If Bruce can follow Tony’s instructions, you can get back right where you left, meaning that you can still warn them. You’ve been thinking about it for the past five years, and you remember everything Palpatine was going to do.
But you’re also leaving Bucky, and you truly don’t know if he can move on from where you leave him.
“I cannot choose something so selfish.” You are just making excuses now, and Bucky knows it. “You need me right now, so I can at least wait it out.” You’re not sure if you should reach for him or not, so you just stare at him in the low light, blinking slowly.
“It’s not selfish.” He tells you, and he reaches out, taking your hand. It feels nice, and you don’t flinch at the contact for perhaps one of the first times since you came back. “You’re giving up everything on Earth. And you may not like it as much here, but I know you don’t want to give it all up. But you’re doing it for your friends, for Obi-Wan.” Your eyes water, because this is what you needed. After losing Natasha and Tony, and now Steve leaving, you were so unsure of yourself. You needed someone to tell you it was okay to leave, to give you permission and forgive you for it.
“What if you guys need me?” You ask, tears in your eyes. You’re leaving Earth, and this time for good. It’s scary, even if you’re ready to see Obi-Wan again.
“Y/N,” Bucky starts, squeezing your hand. “We had you for five years. You saved this universe. Now another galaxy needs you.” You break down crying, knowing that this is the last time you and Bucky will share a moment like this. This will be in each other’s presence alone.
This is your goodbye, and you didn’t know how much you needed one until now.
You braided your hair back, knowing that you could very well be walking into a fight. It had been five years, and you had no idea where you would pop up. Bruce had assured you that you would be close to where you had left, but there was no way to know, especially with Tony gone.
“Are you ready?” Bruce asked, standing by the control center. Just two days ago, everyone had stood and waited for Steve to come back, not knowing he was living another life for years. Now, you had said your goodbyes, had your last night on Earth, and wore the outfit you came in, lightsaber hidden in your cape. Bucky, Sam, and Pepper were waiting around the large contraption, tears in their eyes.
“Ready.” You said, heart racing.
“If everything goes according to plan, you will be dropped off exactly where you left.” Bruce tells you, and you nod, unable to look at anyone. “This also will be the last time we see you.” His voice catches, and you close your eyes momentarily. You don’t want to leave your friends, but you have to do this.
“Thank you guys.” You say to everyone, knowing there’s so many more words left but none you can grasp at the moment. “I love you all.” You watch as they all nod, trying to stay strong, and then Bruce starts his countdown.
“3, 2, 1.” He pulls the lever, and you take one last look at Earth before you're pulled away.
It’s a quick ride to Coruscant, not as fast as it was to travel in your own galaxy, but still not as slow as you were imagining. When you finally make it to Coruscant, you’re almost pulled off balance. You’re in Obi-Wan’s quarters, exactly where you left. Your mouth drops open; it’s exactly how you dreamed for the past five years. You turn, but it’s too quiet. Obi-Wan isn’t here.
You have no idea what time you’ve been dropped into.
You pray that you were dropped close to the time you were ripped away, and you unhook your belt of used Pym Particles. You have to find Obi-Wan, as fast as you can, before Palpatine can do anything.
Running out of the room, you take the lightsaber and hold it in your hand to drop your cape, losing the extra weight. You need to make it to him, need to find him -
Of course, Palpatine’s soldiers are waiting right there, staring at you. You’re frozen, but only for a moment. You press the button on the lightsaber, and it’s clear the soldiers weren’t expecting it. You begin to fight, what you’ve been training for, and you feel bad as you slay them on your blade. This is too important, however, and you can’t let your feelings get involved.
By the end of the fight you’re breathing heavily, and you put your lightsaber away. You’re about to start running again when a horrible feeling, like fire and ice together in your veins, hits you, and you fall to the ground, unconscious. This is what you thought had happened five years ago, what you had wished for then but prayed against now.
Palpatine has found you.
When you wake up, you’ve noticed you’re pinned down. You’ve woken up like this before, but it’s been years. You’re disoriented a little, confused until you remember you went back to Coruscant. Back to Obi-Wan.
But this is not the galaxy you remember. It’s hot here, hotter than it had ever been on Coruscant. You have no idea where you are, but you’ve trained for most of your life for things like this. You know you need to stay calm to find a way out.
Just as you start to wiggle, a hologram of Palpatine, now with his cape pulled over his head as Darth Sideous, starts playing.
“Y/N, you have made a mistake coming back. You should have stayed wherever you came from.” Palpatine starts, and you just stay quiet, taking in the contraption you’ve been placed in. You’re laying almost completely vertical, but your hands, legs, and torso are strapped in place. These restraints are tough, unlike any you’ve ever experienced, and try as you might you’re starting to doubt that you can just wiggle out.
“I know you won’t tell us the information that is needed, so we’re going to go straight to torture. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll have no use for you.” Your heart starts to race, because the whole reason you came back was to see Obi-Wan again. To save your friends. You can’t do that if you’re dead. “Think about it. I’m sure I’ll see you soon.” He taunts, and then he’s off. You begin to struggle the second the hologram cuts out, seeing if there are any weak spots you can pinpoint. When this fails, you take a breath to steady yourself, then close your eyes and begin to pray.
This idea is stupid. It’s monumentally idiotic, but you have to try. You cannot get through this without exhausting all your resources.
So, you stretch one hand out, and you try to use the Force.
You focus on everything around you instead of the horrific embarrassment you feel. You’ve never been able to use the Force, you don’t even know where to start, but you have to try to get out of here.
“Are you ready to tell us what you know?” A familiar voice fills your ears, and when you open your eyes you could cry. Cody is standing with two clones, but something is wrong. Their guns are pointed toward you.
You stay silent, trying to understand what could have caused Cody to betray the Republic. You keep your breathing even, one hand still trying to reach out and undo the clasps via the Force. But you’re not feeling anything. This isn’t working.
“Cody,” You whisper, because you are desperate. You and Cody had become somewhat friends after the misunderstanding about you hurting Obi-Wan on Corellia, and this is just another betrayal you feel you deserve for letting the galaxy down. For a heart breaking second, nothing happens. Then, Cody turns and quickly shoots the two clones, who fall before they even know what’s happening. You’re frozen in shock, unable to even speak as Cody turns to you, puts his gun away and comes to your aide.
“Obi-Wan and Padmé are in danger.” Cody says, and you nod as you let down. Your heart is racing with adrenaline, and you watch Cody walk away before you call his name.
“Cody,” He turns, and your heart aches. You know, even without him having to take off his helmet, that he feels the same emotions. “I had it handled.” You say, even though this was the first time in your life that you had been pinned down with no idea of how to get out.
“Sure you did.” Cody says fondly, and then the two of you are off.
Padmé is dead, you’re dead, and the galaxy is in chaos. There is nothing that Obi-Wan can do now, except retreat in on himself as the twins cry out, as if they can already feel the loss of their parents.
They’re too young for this. Padmé was too young, Anakin was too young, you were too young. He has failed the galaxy, and everyone will pay dearly for it.
The last couple hours have been far too strenuous. He’s never felt more alone, and he closes his eyes as he tries to block out the memories from just a couple moments ago. He thinks if he laid down now, he would never wake back up again. And maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing.
When he opens his eyes again, Padmé is standing there. She’s a vision in white, and Obi-Wan makes himself blink again, but she’s still there.
“You need to keep going, Obi-Wan.” Padmé says, but it’s not her. He knows it’s not her, and he thinks maybe he is losing his mind.
As he backs against the wall, he can hear the thud of Anakin's footsteps. How is he going to explain this to Anakin? How can he even bear it? Does Anakin even want to hear it from him? Maybe, after all he's been through today, he should just let Anakin do what he most likely came for.
“Obi!” His knees buckle as your voice envelopes him, because of course it's you. He flinches as you wrap your arms around him, and he wishes you would do it quickly.
“You’re not real.” He says, because this can’t kill him but he’s convinced that you are sent back as some final test that he doesn’t care about passing. Nothing matters, not anymore.
“What?” You’re not understanding him, but there’s no time for that. “What's wrong? Where’s Anakin, Obi-Wan?” You sound actually concerned, and when he looks up you've aged. Not just in the way that a day like today ages someone, but actually aged. Your hair is different and your mouth is more hard set and you are older.
“I killed you.” He looks at you, trying to understand why you look different in his head. Maybe, some fucked up part of his brain has made you look older to appeal to him more, but he doesn’t care. He saw Padmé, and now he’s seeing you too.
“Obi-Wan, what are you talking about? Where’s Anakin?” The question is a dagger in his heart, but it won't do the job and just kill him. It’s torture in the worst form.
“I did it.” It's the only thing he can think to say, and you have no idea what it means. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault you’re all dead.” He looks at Padmé, who’s silent in the corner, and your eyes are drawn to someone you cannot see. You turn all the way around to the glass behind you, and you can see Padmé's lifeless body, hear the screams of not one but two children. You look back at Obi-Wan, and he has tears in his eyes.
“It's okay,” You try to console, but it's pointless. He shakes his head, moving away from you. It breaks your heart, because you gave up everything to be here. To be with him. You had failed to save Padmé and Anakin, and now you’re failing the only person left.
“You’re real,” He finally acknowledges, and you nod as he tries to somehow back away from you.
“Obi-Wan, I came back for you. I wanted to warn you, but Palpatine-“
“No!” He yells, and your heart sinks. He is well and truly upset. “No, you need to get away from me!” He can't still be mad, right? He had confessed his love! It's what sent you back in the first place.
“What?” It's all you can say, because you can't get away from him. You cannot leave Obi-Wan.
“We can't be together.” His words split you in two, and you think you may actually throw up. This is what real heartbreak feels like. You thought you'd experienced it before, but you were wrong. So wrong. Your chest is splitting open, your body caving in.
“Why?” Tears are making their way down your cheeks without your permission as Obi-Wan stares at you with red-rimmed eyes. You don’t know where Anakin is, but Obi-Wan’s refusal to answer your question doesn’t make you hopeful. Your friends, that you came all this way to save, are dead. Obi-Wan is all that’s left, and he’s pushing you away.
“Because this is all my fault. I killed the Jedi.”
When the Chancellor is kidnapped, you’re ashamed to admit you don’t feel bad.
You’re sure this will be bad for the war. But the war is so close to being over, and you’re more upset that you were unable to see Obi-Wan since he was close on Grevious’ tail. They were fighting right above Coruscant, and you hated to think about the fact that at any given moment he could be lying dead somewhere.
He had called you one more time, but like he had explained before, it was difficult to find reasons to be alone, for a clone to be covering for them.
“The longer this war goes on, the more conflicted I am about my place in the galaxy.” He told you one night. You were pleasantly surprised when the hologram lit up in the middle of cooking dinner, and you immediately left it all out and turned off the heat in favor of talking to the Jedi.
“Well, whatever it is, you know you have me.” Your heart beats a little quicker when you admit it, but he smiles softly.
“Yes, it’s nice to have a friend like you.” He said, and you could tell he wanted to reach out, to hold you, and you wanted to as well. But your hands stay at your sides, because Obi-Wan is not actually here.
“I feel like I haven’t thanked you enough for all you’ve done for me. Without you, I would have probably been thrown in jail as a spy for the Separatists. And you’ve taught me how to fit in. I feel like this is my home now.” You admit, and it’s the first time you’ve said something like that outloud. Obi-Wan nods, taking in your words.
“I’m glad you feel that this is your home now. I can only hope to protect it for you.” His words make your heart flutter for days after your talk, until he finally comes back from rescuing the Chancellor.
The Jedi’s crashlanding of Grevious’ ship had been broadcast all over the news, and you practically held your breath in anticipation to see if Anakin and Obi-Wan were okay. You had tried to call Padmé, as you hadn’t seen her in a couple weeks, but she hadn’t responded. However, she had been there to greet Obi-Wan and Anakin when they made it back to the Senate building, as many of the Senators had. You can’t help the skip in your heart when you see Obi-Wan, his white robes and auburn hair rustling in the wind. He looks for a second as if he is about to stay on the transport, but then your eyes meet, and his face lights up just the slightest. You were wearing a golden dress with a corset waist and tulle skirt, the sleeves sheer and puffing out slightly before being cinched at your wrists. Your hair was left down and natural, but a matching veil was covering it.
You couldn’t fight a smile when Obi-Wan stepped out of the transport, following Anakin to the meeting of Senators. Chancellor Palpatine spoke, but you were buzzing to talk to Obi-Wan. Luckily he went straight to you as soon as everyone dispersed, the two of you falling behind the group for some privacy.
“How have you been?” Obi-Wan asks, and you almost laugh at the absurdity of his question when there are so many more important things to talk about.
“I missed you.” You say quietly, leaning in close. He does the same, the two of you walking slowly with your bodies practically melting together.
“As did I.” He tells you, and you finally look up at him. He doesn’t seem to be hurt from battle, but you can tell he’s exhausted. While you want to hear all about what happened, you also want to make sure he gets some good sleep.
“I made soup. Why don’t we go back home and eat it?” You offer, and you can see the blush on his cheeks. You tilt your head in question, but he doesn’t say anything.
“I have to report to the Council.” He says it almost sadly, and you refuse to look into it. You nod as the two of you turn around, splitting apart slightly. You’re about to ask him about the mission when you see Anakin and Padmé kissing off to the side.
“A little obvious, don’t you think?” Obi-Wan calls, and the two of them jump apart, eyes wide as they look at you. Padmé has a hand on her stomach, which is covered by a lot of layers, but you know exactly what is going on here.
“You’re pregnant.” You say it as a statement, and the couple stare at you, mouths open. Then, Anakin smiles, and Padmé lets out a small laugh, and you feel your heart absolutely rip itself apart in jealousy. A jealousy you didn’t know you could feel, that you don’t want to feel. So, you plaster on a smile, hoping your hesitation goes unnoticed, and you hug Padmé.
“Please don’t tell anyone.” Anakin says, and you pull apart from your friend.
“We won’t.” You turn to Obi-Wan, who is staring at you, but he nods. “We’ll leave you alone, now. Congratulations.” As soon as you turn away, your smile falls, and a pounding headache fills your head. Gone is the lightness that flooded your body from Obi-Wan’s return, instead replaced with a hollow pain that guts your insides.
“This is not good.” Obi-Wan says, but you don’t say a word back. You ride back with Obi-Wan to the Jedi Temple in silence, unable to speak and Obi-Wan not knowing what to say.
“Have a good meeting.” You tell him, wanting to get to his rooms as fast as you possibly can.
“Hang on,” Obi-Wan is following you, going the opposite way of where the council is located, and you wish he would just turn around and leave. “You’re acting strange.”
“These are strange times. And you haven’t been back in ages.” You tell him, knowing it’s unfair but wanting to drive him away. You make it to Obi-Wan’s quarters, quickly opening up the door.
“Are you alright?” Obi-Wan asks, walking into the room quickly after you. You felt bad about excusing yourself from Padmé’s rooms so fast, but you had to get out of there.
You thought you wouldn’t be affected by this. But now that you’re thinking about it, maybe there’s a reason why you hadn’t realized Padmé was pregnant. She hadn’t been drinking with you, she refused your invitations to train, she was wearing flowing dresses, and now that she wasn’t hiding it, it was so obvious.
You just hadn’t wanted to see it, because even subconsciously, you knew how you would feel.
Sure, the war wasn’t over, but you could almost taste the end. And Padmé had Anakin, and now their baby, and you had your friends, but you wanted Obi-Wan. And he wanted the Jedi Council.
“I’m fine.” Obi-Wan can’t have attachments, so he may understand. But it’s a choice, and he can always change his mind.
“You’re not.” Obi-Wan walks closer, and you try not to be mad at him. You’re not mad at Padmê either, but it’s hard to see someone live a life that you didn’t know you wanted until now.
“Obi-Wan, I don’t want to talk right now.” You try to tell him, but he isn’t having it. “You need to go to your meeting.”
“Why are you upset about Padmé being pregnant?” You take a deep breath, trying not to blow up on Obi-Wan.
“I told you I don’t want to talk.” You’re trying to push him away, but he is not having it.
“You can’t shut me out-”
“This has nothing to do with you. Just go do whatever Jedi shit they want you to do.” You want to physically push him, but instead you turn away, breathing deeply. You should just open up to him; you know he’ll understand. But you’ve never opened up to anyone about this. You didn’t even talk to the other Widows about this.
“You don’t have to tell me right now, but know that I am here.” His words anger you more, and you have to close your eyes to stop yourself from just shouting out all of your baggage. Instead, you take a deep breath, turn around, and look into Obi-Wan’s clear blue eyes. He could have left - he is supposed to be reporting to the Jedi Council as soon as he gets back to Coruscant. But he got off the transport to see you, and then he followed you back to his rooms to make sure you’re okay.
“I told you about training in the Red Room, and being under their control, but I never told you about the graduation ceremony.” You can remember that day like it was yesterday, remember the way your heart pounded. Looking back, you knew you were already under some sort of mind control, but you remember everything. “I’m upset because I can’t get pregnant. And that was something I didn’t even know I wanted until Padmé told us she was.” You try not to cry, but a rouge tear slips out of your eye.
“What do you mean?” Obi-Wan asks softly, and you shake your head, trying not to scoff.
“The graduation ceremony for the Red Room is where they take out all of our reproductive organs. Not a corrective, reversible procedure, but a complete evacuation. And I had no choice in this. By the time I graduated, I was already under mind control. And now, I couldn’t have a family even if that was the thing I wanted most in the world.” You shrug, as if the tears coming out of your eyes are no big deal. You turn away from him, wiping your tears and praying that someone calls him for this meeting now.
“I-I’m so sorry.” Obi-Wan says, and you can tell he’s shocked by this. Everyone always is, no matter how much it made sense in the Red room.
“I’m fine. I’ve come to terms with it. I’m just upset right now.” You say, sniffling and still looking away. You’re not paying attention when suddenly you're enveloped in a hug, one you’ve been waiting to have since he left.
You immediately throw your arms around him, and suddenly it all comes out. Every emotion from the Red Room you’ve been trying to push down flows out of you like a dam bursting, and you sob into Obi-Wan as he rubs your back, holding you close.
“Everything you have had to go through was unfair. And it made you who you are, but it doesn’t mean that it was supposed to happen to you. You did not deserve any of it.” As if you didn’t already have enough to cry over, Obi-Wan whispers the words you’ve always needed to hear into your ear, and you feel like you can breathe for the first time in your entire life.
You didn’t need the Red Room to be where you were in life, but because of the Red Room, because of your place in knowing the Avengers, you met Obi-Wan. And it isn’t fair that you were subjected to torture at a young age, and it doesn’t make it right, but you can at least look at the silver lining.
Words are bubbling on your tongue, so strong you have to bite it to keep them inside. There’s been too many admissions for today, there’s no need for another one. You can wait until Obi-Wan and you have had a talk.
“Anakin is now on the Council.” Obi-Wan tells you one night when you’re laying in bed. The two of you have been sharing his bed since he came back, and it feels like his chest was made for your head to lay on. His arm is around you, and you have a leg thrown over his thighs.
But you still haven’t talked.
“So he is a Master.” You gather, but you feel Obi-Wan shake his head.
“No. Chancellor Palpatine put him on the Council. We allowed this because we have another mission for him.” Obi-Wan should not be telling you these things, you know this, but he also has to tell someone.
“What have you asked of him?” You question, tracing your fingers along his shirt.
“The Council would like him to spy on the Chancellor.” You don’t know how to take this news; on one hand, he needs to be put in check. But on the other hand, you’re not sure if Anakin is the right person for this.
“Anakin’s relationship with Palpatine,” You start, and Obi-Wan tightens his grip on your hip. You can feel the conflict in him, and you wonder if he is unused to this emotion.
“I know. I’m worried he has too many attachments, that he doesn’t know how to distance himself the way Jedi are supposed to.” Obi-Wan’s words pierce your heart, and you almost flinch.
“Like you?” You ask, and he freezes.
“Anakin’s relationship with Padmé is different. They are having a baby. And he may see this as a blessing, but this baby can cause him to,” He takes a deep breath, trying not to get ahead of himself. “It will be different once the war is over, but right now, things are too fragile.” You pause your finger tracing as you start to think about Palpatine, about the moves he’s making as the war winds down.
“Palpatine has placed me on the Senate, and Anakin on the Council. Do you think he knows about him and Padmé?” You don’t even speak it into the air that he could know of their baby, because then the Jedi would be fully compromised.
“It is possible.” Obi-Wan shifts so that he’s laying on his side, facing you, and you lay on your side to look at him. He puts a hand around your waist and across your back, your legs entangled. You have your hand in the loose collar of his shirt, playing with it between your fingers. “If Palpatine has placed you and Anakin in different sections of government, then we have to think about the possibility that he could be working for the Separatists.” He whispers it, and you close your eyes at the thought. The thought of the person at the highest power possible in your government is working for the other side during war - it’s almost unthinkable.
“We have to have faith that Anakin will take his mission seriously.” You say softly, opening your eyes to see Obi-Wan staring at you. “And if he doesn’t, we have to be ready for whatever Palpatine may be planning.” You don’t even want to think about how you’re being used in a pawn in this war when Obi-Wan is helping end it.
“We will be.” He mutters, and then he pulls you close and kisses your forehead. Your cheeks heat, and you let yourself be pulled closer to him, the way you do every night, and you feel at least a little bit at peace having him there with you.
You know you’ll eventually talk. But for now, you can settle for falling asleep against him.
As soon as Mace Windu tells Anakin that he cannot lead the mission on Upatu, Obi-Wan knows that he will be nominated to go. His first thought is that he can’t go, he can’t leave you here when this could be the end of the war. And if he dies, after all of this, everything he’s done to secure your future…
“I vote that Master Fisto goes.” Obi-Wan speaks before anyone is even done talking, shocking the whole Council.
And then he realizes just how fucked he is.
He’s grown an attachment to you. He has done what he swore not to do. And this is different than it was with Satine, because he didn’t make decisions in the Council based on her. This is bad.
The Council agrees that Master Fisto should go to Upatu, and then the meeting is dismissed, and Obi-Wan has no idea where to go. He can’t go home, because you’re there. And he can’t see you until he figures out what exactly he’s going to do about this.
He goes to the gardens to meditate quietly, and more importantly alone. No one can know about this, for more reasons than just the fact that he needs to protect you.
He meditates for the rest of the day, and he still doesn’t know exactly what to do. But he does know that he cannot continue the way your relationship is heading.
“What’s wrong?” You ask the second he opens the door, and he knows that even if you aren’t a Jedi, you must be sensitive to the Force in the way that everyone in the galaxy is. It just confirms that you are meant to be in this galaxy, in his galaxy, and he doesn’t want to think too hard about it.
“We need to talk.” He tells you, and you put down the mug you had been washing.
“Yes, we do.” You answer, walking over to him, and he’s not sure how you know about what he’s thinking.
“We can’t continue like this.” He watches your face twitch, just slightly, and he realizes that you had a very different idea of what this conversation would be about.
Your whole world shatters right in front of you as Obi-Wan speaks, and you struggle to find words. This seemingly came out of nowhere; it was only last night that you had been sleeping in the same bed, when he had kissed your forehead and the two of you cuddled all night.
“Continue like what?” You ask, trying to be very clear in what exactly Obi-Wan is telling you.
“You know what I mean.” Obi-Wan moves to the side of the couch, leaning on it, like this is a difficult conversation for him. You want to rip him apart for acting like this hurts him.
“I’m just confused, because this whole week you’ve been acting like we were going to have a conversation about being in a relationship, even if you wouldn’t leave the Council, and now you’re - what? Deciding you can’t handle falling asleep with someone every night?” You don’t even know what to say, how to hit him where it hurts but somehow bring him closer. You are out of your depth.
“No, I’m trying to do what I have trained to do. I’ve let this go on for too long. Jedi are not allowed attachments, so it is best to break it off now.” You don’t know if his words break your heart or fuel your fire more.
“Right, they aren’t allowed attachments except when it’s convenient, right? Except when you want to? It was fine to be attached to me for two years, but sleeping in the same bed, that’s the line. Because it’s not attachments, it’s relationships. But, oh wait! There was Satine, who you made an exception for. But not me, right? Because I’m not from here?” You don’t let Obi-Wan talk, but you can see his anger start to rise at your mention of his past lover. “Or is it because you think I’m so broken that it doesn’t matter? She can break a little more, because she’s already been through so much. Is that it?”
“Don’t make me the villain here when you have known from the start that I was never going to be able to fall in love with you. Just because you are in love doesn’t mean I have to be.”
Your heart shatters on the ground.
“Who said anything about love?” You whisper, because your voice isn’t strong enough to get out a sentence at a normal volume.
“You compared yourself to Satine. You can’t fault me for assuming.” He doesn’t even take it back, and you almost slap him in the face. You want to turn away, to close your eyes as you think of what to say next, but that would show your cards, so you show nothing on your mask of a face. Your mind is racing, but there’s only one answer that even makes sense in your brain.
“Did the Jedi find out about us?” You ask softly, and Obi-Wan almost squints at the outlandishness of your question.
“What?” His words are like a whip, but you continue.
“Palpatine told the Jedi about us. That’s why you’re doing this. Right?” You cannot stand to be wrong. You cannot stand the alternative, that he chose this on his own accord. That he somehow came to this conclusion in the few hours you were away.
“No.” He says after a few moments, but you’re not convinced, not completely. If Palpatine has made his way to Obi-Wan, he would threaten you, threaten him, anyone who stood in his way. Obi-Wan could be lying to you, and you wouldn’t know.
“You never answered my question about attachments. When is it too much, Obi?” You shoot, and he shakes his head. You’re trying to get any information you can now, hoping he gives you some inclination of what to do.
“Now. It is too much now, when I am making decisions and thinking of your well being instead of thinking of what is best for the Jedi, for the galaxy.” His admission causes you to freeze, and the two of you stare at each other, neither willing to break the silence but neither willing to look away.
“That’s what love is.” You finally say, your voice so soft it’s almost unable to be heard. Obi-Wan looks like he could listen, like he wants to listen, but then he shakes his head and turns away, walking away from you. He might as well be taking your heart with him, because you’ve all but admitted your love and he has all but denied his.
“The Jedi do not have romantic relationships.” He finally says, facing away from you. You try to keep your composure, but you want to scream and choke out Obi-Wan at this point.
“Anakin does.” You pull out the only card you have, but clearly it is not a good one.
“And Anakin will suffer for it!” He turns, fire in his eyes, and you can’t help the way you back away slightly. Obi-Wan notices this and his face falls before he sighs, running a hand down his face. “I am not made for romantic relationships.” He finally tells you, but you can’t let him push you away like this.
“Then look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.” You haven’t told him you love him, not out loud, but you’re not asking him to tell him he loves you. You’re just asking him not to deny it. He looks at you, and it’s dead silent as he struggles with himself. You watch his blue eyes, waiting for him to put your heart back together.
“I don’t love you.” He says, and you physically recoil back. “At least not enough to break the code.” You have to hit him where it hurts. You take the only thing you can.
“If you’re worried about me, you don’t have to be. I am not Satine.” Your voice is shaking, and Obi-Wan’s eyes form an anger you have never seen.
“And that is exactly why I am not breaking the Code.” He shoots right back, and you have the urge to slap him. And you honestly would, if you didn’t love him.
“I hope you’re happy with your choice.” You tell him, then walk out of the room.
Your head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton, and your chest feels opened up the second you close the door behind you. You stay with your back pressed against the door, because maybe if you stay there it isn’t real. Maybe if you stay there you can get stuck in the in between.
Maybe if you stay there you can pretend that you didn’t fall for Obi-Wan Kenobi, war general and Jedi Master, just to get your heart broken the way anyone could have guessed.
You decide then that you have to do the only thing you can - you have to find out if Palpatine was a part of this. Even if he is working for the other side, if there is a chance that he can fix this, you’ll do anything. The thought slightly scares you as you walk to his office, but you don’t have a choice. With the war winding up, you could be losing Obi-Wan right here. He could ask for an assignment elsewhere, now that there’s no need to be on Coruscant, and then you would be stuck, alone, and you would hate it.
You don’t even realize when you make it to his office, but you pause outside, taking a deep breath. Everything is about to change. There’s no telling if this will bring Obi-Wan back to you, back to your arms, but you have to try.
You open the door, ready to plead your case, when you see Anakin. You only have a moment to wonder what he’s doing when you see Master Windu as well, and that’s when you notice the window has been broken.
A fight has already occurred here.
“The Jedi are taking over.” Palpatine is laying against the wall, Master Widu’s light saber pointed threateningly at him. You walk slowly in, and realize you must have been right behind Anakin, who is looking conflicted between the Jedi and Palpatine.
“The oppression of the Sith will never return.” Master Windu counters, holding steady in the broken window. “You have lost.” You feel like it slams into you slowly, something you should have thought of. It should have been obvious, but you must be out of practice because you are blindsided as you watch Palpatine yell at Master Windu before shooting lightning out of his fingers.
Chancellor Palpatine is the Sith Lord.
Master Windu uses his lightsaber to hold back the lightning, but the wind from the broken glass is not in his favor. You have to come in now, because Anakin is just standing there, not doing anything.
“I have the power to save the one you love! You must choose.” Palpatine says to Anakin, and you grab his arm.
“Anakin, help Master Windu.” You say, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Anakin snaps his head to you, eyes narrowing, as Palpatine begins to drain away. Maybe, if you can hold Anakin for long enough, Palpatine will kill himself. But no, Palpatine stops before he dies, and lays there, face disfigured from using so much power, and Master Windu is back on him.
“I am going to end this, once and for all.” Master Windu says, and you are thankful that this seems to be over.
“You can’t.” Anakin argues, and it’s your turn to snap your head to him. “He must stand trial.” You almost slap Anakin, wondering what he must be thinking right now.
“Anakin, he has control of the entire government. It wouldn’t be a fair trial, and he is far too dangerous to be left alive.” You need Palpatine to die, not only for you and Obi-Wan, but now for Anakin, who seems to be seduced by whatever power Palpatine has promised.
“I’m too weak. Oh. Don’t kill me. Please.” Palpatine begs, and you wish you could just roll him off the side of the building. His begging is pathetic.
“It’s not the Jedi way.” Anakin tells you, and you shake your head. “He must live.” Anakin is shouting over the wind, which is whipping your hair from how high up you are.
“Please don’t.” Palpatine begs once more, and you decided fuck the consequences. This man cannot live. He’s too powerful, too dangerous.
“I need him.” Anakin says, and that seals it. You go to grab Anakin’s lightsaber, but you’re just a second too late; he has already unclipped it, pulling it back in one hand and using the Force to push you against the wall in the other. You hit it hard against your head, and you think you actually see stars as you slide down, far too close to the edge of the window for your liking. You can’t tell much of what’s happening, blinking to try to regain your senses, but you can see Anakin and Master Windu fighting, and then the lighting as Palpatine yells and kills Master Windu.
Everything happens far too quickly. Once you’re finally able to tell what’s going on, You see Anakin on his knees, in front of Palpatine, and you sit up, a little too fast but you have no time to recover.
“I pledge myself… to your teachings.” Anakin promises, and you feel your heart constrict.
“No!” You cry, trying to stand. But you’re sent back against the wall again, and this time you actually black out, the last thing you hear being Palpatine’s raspy murmurs.
When you finally are able to pull your eyes open, Anakin is no longer in the room. You can feel the blood falling down your neck, onto your pretty dress, but you have to push forward. Anakin could be dead, or worse.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t kill you while you were out.” Palpatine says from across the room, and you bite your tongue on every response you have.
“You’re going to regret that, because it will have been the only chance you would have gotten.” You don’t stand but you do move to a better position to get on your toes or move around.
“I assure you, there is still a chance for us to work together.” Palpatine offers, and you frown as he comes closer, reaching a hand out. He puts it on your chin, and you’re pulled to your knees, your neck strained as you try not to lash out too soon. “You may not be strong in the Force, but you can be taught. And what better teacher than I?” You twitch out of his grasp, but he holds firm. You close your eyes, thinking of a plan. You have to get out of this, and that means you can’t open your mouth or act too quickly. You pray to the Force, feeling stupid, but you need something. You need help.
When you open your eyes, you see Master Windu’s light saber sitting discarded on the ground, just out of arms reach.
“You could make an incredible apprentice. And I know just how well you can listen.” You can’t take it any more. You throw your body backwards to free a leg and kick Palpatine away, hoping to gain enough time. Just as Palpatine throws out lightning, you grab Master Windu’s lightsaber and ignite it, thankful for all your training and knowing exactly where the button you need to press is. You hold it out to protect yourself, and the full force of a Sith Lord hits you quickly. You stumble back, falling onto your bottom, but you hold the lightsaber strong, keeping the lightning from killing you.
You shake as the lightning is almost too much to bear with both hands clasped on the hilt, but you have to hold strong. If Anakin has fallen, the fate of the galaxy is literally up to you. No one else knows about Palpatine, and by the time he enacts his plan that reveals himself it will be too late.
Finally, after what feels like years, Palpatine is too weak to continue. He falls to the ground, and while you would like to do the same, you have to get to Obi-Wan. You have to tell him what has happened.
You’re shaking as you stumble all the way back to his quarters, and you don’t notice you’re crying until you begin to sniffle, and then it all hits you.
You are holding the light saber of a dead Jedi. And Anakin, whether dead or turned, is gone. You have no idea what the fate of the other Jedi will be. You have to get to Obi-Wan.
“You may not be strong in the Force, but you can be taught. And what better teacher than I? You could make an incredible apprentice. And I know just how well you can listen.”
The words ring in Obi-Wan’s ears as he comes out of the vision. He saw you and Palpatine, your chin in Palpatine's hands. Whatever power he’s seduced you with, however he’s done it, Obi-Wan has to undo it. He’s sure this vision is of the future, because how could he have known that you had gone straight to the Chancellor after your fight?
He knows what he has to do, and he will do anything to set it right.
He’s about to leave when you come bursting through the door. You’re wearing a dark purple gown, the sleeves billowing with your speed. Your hair has grown over the three years you’ve been on Coruscant, and now it is curly, a silver half moon hair piece stuck to the back of your head askew from when you had hit the wall. Blood has run down the side of your neck, but you seem to be paying no mind to it.
And you have a lightsaber in your hand.
You have never looked more like someone from this galaxy, and the thought of you leaving him makes him want to double over in pain.
“Obi, I have to tell you something,” You gasp, but Obi-Wan is right there, hands on your face bringing you in for a kiss.
This kiss is one unlike anything you've ever experienced. It’s passionate and full of love, and with your free hand you grab his shoulder and pull him close. Your mouth is opening to let him in, and he has his hands in your hair, pulling you in like you’ll disappear on the spot. And as much as you want this to continue, as much as you would love to kiss him forever, you have to tell him Palpatine’s plan.
“Obi, I have to tell you,” You’re still struggling to breathe, still shaking, so Obi-Wan takes your breath away, kissing you once more before pulling away.
“Let me go first.” He mutters, hands still on your face. You nod, because you can see the urgency in his blue eyes. “I’m sorry we fought. I lied to you. I am made for romantic relationships,” You feel time slow down as he speaks, as you both heave breaths against each other. “Only with you. And you’re right, you are different from Satine.” This is not what you expected him to say, and you are speechless as he talks. He moves his hands to your waist to hold you close, and you push yourself against him as if this is the last time you’ll ever be able to do it. “I do love you, Y/N. I love you more than I have ever experienced.” The admission makes your heart run wild, and you stare at him with your lips parted in shock. Obi-Wan takes this as the perfect opportunity to kiss you, and you let him for just a couple moments before you push him back gently.
“Obi, I love you too.” You sigh, watching his face morph into a small, gentle smile. Just as you’re about to deliver your news, to warn him and tell him his best friend and padawan is gone, you feel a slight pain in your chest. Before you can even yell out his name, you’re being ripped out of his arms and your surroundings are blurred. The air is punched from your lungs as you hit a wall, your head smacking into it once more. Your head is spinning now, and you can barely even open your eyes as you lay against the cool ground.
“Y/N!” Someone is saying your name, and your head feels like it’s never been heavier. You try to lift it, to take in your surroundings, but everyone is talking and you can just see blobs of people.
“Give her space.” A voice commands, and your brain sets off little alarm bells that are covered in cotton. You try hard to think of why you would be concerned, but there is so much pain in your chest and in your head that there is no room to think.
“Obi?” You call weakly, hoping that he’s in the crowd of people. Palpatine must have found you, blasted you with the lightning, and you - what? Went through a wall?
You’re still not sure. Your head is pounding and your brain is foggy, but you need to find Obi-Wan.
“Honey, can you hear us?” A voice calls, and you take a sharp breath in. You recognize this voice. This is a voice you have known for a long while, even if you hadn’t heard it in the past couple years.
And that’s why the warning bells are going off.
“Obi-Wan!” You scream as you tilt your head up, but it’s too late. You’re in the Avengers Compound, Natasha sitting next to you as you scramble to stand. Your vision is blurry as you look around the people who were your friends three years ago. The remaining Avengers are standing around you, and you blink as you take in the fact that you’re back on Earth, your home that feels less like a home now. You are not where you belong, not anymore.
“You’re alright.” Steve puts a hand on your shoulder behind you, and you whirl around, fighting the urge to throw up.
“Where’s Obi-Wan?” You’re disoriented, having gone from Obi-Wan’s rooms to the Avengers Compound, which is supposed to be in a galaxy far, far away. You are not meant to be here.
“Who?” Natasha asks, and you spin again, looking at the familiar faces of your friends. But none of them are the familiar face you want to see - need to see.
“Oh, God,” You mutter, feeling sick. You need to get to him, but you don’t know how to find him or how you got to Corscant, but you need to find a way back. Now.
“What happened, Y/N?” Tony tries to ask, but you can’t speak. Obi-Wan and Padmé are in danger, and Anakin could already be gone. And they have no idea.
“He’s in danger!” You cry, continuing to look at everyone as you blink, as if it will change the fact that you have been ripped away from Obi-Wan at the worst time. “They’re all in danger, I need to warn them.”
“Who? What’s going on? Talk to us.” Natasha grabs you, and you finally let your face fall as panic sets in.
“Obi-Wan,” You know this isn’t going to explain anything, but you can’t recount the last three years in an eloquent way. “I-I went to this galaxy, and Obi-Wan, he helped me. But they’re at war, and there’s a super bad guy, they didn’t know who he was! But it’s the Chancellor, and they don’t know, they’re going to get manipulated and,” You can barely breathe, and Steve is there to help hold you up when your legs give out.
“You fell in love with Obi-Wan.” Bruce says, and you can only blink.
“H-How?” You shudder, as if all the Avengers are in on some joke they made at your expense while you were gone. They’re looking at each other as if things are clicking into place now, and you shake your head.
“It’s the curse.” Thor says, and your brain stutters. “That’s why you’re back now.”
“Why now?” You ask, tears falling down your face. “Why after all these years-”
“Years?” Natasha cuts you off, and you realize Natasha’s hair for the first time. Her roots, barely red growing in, her blonde hair that she had dyed fresh back in 2018. And you hadn’t been the best at keeping track of time Coruscant but you know it’s been long enough that Natasha’s hair should be longer, or different.
Ice washes over you as you realize what has been going on in your own universe.
“How long do you think you were gone?” Tony asks slowly, and you feel the air leave the room.
“I was there for three years.” You say, and they know you’re telling the truth, because unlike Natasha your hair is different, your face is different and you are different. You push away from Steve, needing space to breathe and too feel everything crash over you.
“Holy shit,” Rhodey says, and you feel like you might throw up.
“How long has it been here?” You ask, afraid of the answer. Nothing has changed here, but you remember how bad it was. And now, things are bad on Coruscant and on Earth.
You lost both.
“Four weeks.” Steve says, looking guilty. You vaguely remember fighting with him before you left, but that was literally years ago for you. You thought you would never see these people again.
“You need to send me back.” You turn to Wanda, who has wide eyes.
“No!” She says immediately, and you can’t understand.
“Why? You did it the first time.” You’re reeling, because every moment you’re here is precious moments being wasted where your friends could die.
“The spell doesn’t work like that.” Wanda says, frowning. “And even if it did, I thought I killed you.” You pause, because you realize what that must’ve been like for Wanda.
“It wasn’t your fault.” You make sure to say. “But you have to send me back.” The room erupts into chaos.
“There are no do-overs for the spell.” Bucky tells you, and you turn to see him for the first time.
The whole reason why you had originally done the spell, and you didn’t even realize he was here. You can see the hurt on his face, but part of you doesn’t have the capacity to care because while the Avengers have already lost, your friends in the Galactic Republic have a chance and you are the only one who can give that to them. You have a second shot at saving people, and you’ll be damned if you mess it up again.
“Send me back.” You say, sounding hysterical, because everything is starting to set in. If Wanda can’t send you back, then you are stuck on Earth. Obi-Wan is stuck in his galaxy. “Please, you have to send me back, please, I don’t care about the consequences,” You’re breathing heavily, tears falling from your eyes. Your friends all look at you with sad faces, and despite being in a room full of people, you have never felt more alone. You cannot breathe, cannot think in here.
“Y/N,” Steve has a hand on your shoulder, and you let out a scream. Not a sob, a full scream, because you have lost Obi-Wan. And you have no idea if he’s dead or alive.
“No!” You cry, feeling Steve pull on you as you fall to the ground. “No, I need to be there, I love him,” Your voice is horse, and you let yourself lay against the ground, head pounding and eyes drooping. You’re still trying to get air in your lungs, but it’s not quick enough. Your vision is swimming.
“It will be okay,” Natasha comforts, voice tight, and you grab her arm.
“Send me back,” You beg, and she sucks in her lips, your vision going blurry. “You have to,” And then your head is lolling and you’re out of it.
The team looks at each other, all concerned with how horrible you took that, except Bucky is looking at you, face unreadable. He leaves quickly, and Steve sighs, looking back to your body.
He knows this is the last time in a long time you’ll be peaceful, so he picks you up and brings you to your room, hoping you stay asleep.
Obi-Wan is standing in his rooms, arms outstretched where you just were. His elbows and shoulders are sore from you being ripped away from him, and this is the only thing you left behind as evidence that he didn’t imagine the whole thing. He blinks once, then things start to click into place.
Was this all a test?
Were you sent by the Jedi to test him?
Was the vision even real? Was any of it real? Because nothing else makes sense. It doesn’t make sense for you to be here one second and then the next you’re gone.
He doesn’t have time for tears, because his brain feels like it’s pounding in his skull as he rethinks every moment with you. It couldn’t have been fake, the way you kissed him, the things you shared. But people don’t just disappear out of thin air, unless..
Unless you had died, and you moved into the Living Force.
Obi-Wan doubles over, barely able to breathe because suddenly there is a great disturbance in the Force. This is worse than just you dying. This is a mass incident, and Obi-Wan is now reeling.
Not now. Not after everything he’s already been through.
But he can smell smoke, he has to go. He has to move on. He has to win this war, even if you won’t be here to see it.
I would never leave you guys like that. The Epilogue - What I Wouldn't Sacrifice - coming December 20th
When the Chancellor is kidnapped, you’re ashamed to admit you don’t feel bad.
You’re sure this will be bad for the war. But the war is so close to being over, and you’re more upset that you were unable to see Obi-Wan since he was close on Grevious’ tail. They were fighting right above Coruscant, and you hated to think about the fact that at any given moment he could be lying dead somewhere.
He had called you one more time, but like he had explained before, it was difficult to find reasons to be alone, for a clone to be covering for them.
“The longer this war goes on, the more conflicted I am about my place in the galaxy.” He told you one night. You were pleasantly surprised when the hologram lit up in the middle of cooking dinner, and you immediately left it all out and turned off the heat in favor of talking to the Jedi.
“Well, whatever it is, you know you have me.” Your heart beats a little quicker when you admit it, but he smiles softly.
“Yes, it’s nice to have a friend like you.” He said, and you could tell he wanted to reach out, to hold you, and you wanted to as well. But your hands stay at your sides, because Obi-Wan is not actually here.
“I feel like I haven’t thanked you enough for all you’ve done for me. Without you, I would have probably been thrown in jail as a spy for the Separatists. And you’ve taught me how to fit in. I feel like this is my home now.” You admit, and it’s the first time you’ve said something like that outloud. Obi-Wan nods, taking in your words.
“I’m glad you feel that this is your home now. I can only hope to protect it for you.” His words make your heart flutter for days after your talk, until he finally comes back from rescuing the Chancellor.
The Jedi’s crashlanding of Grevious’ ship had been broadcast all over the news, and you practically held your breath in anticipation to see if Anakin and Obi-Wan were okay. You had tried to call Padmé, as you hadn’t seen her in a couple weeks, but she hadn’t responded. However, she had been there to greet Obi-Wan and Anakin when they made it back to the Senate building, as many of the Senators had. You can’t help the skip in your heart when you see Obi-Wan, his white robes and auburn hair rustling in the wind. He looks for a second as if he is about to stay on the transport, but then your eyes meet, and his face lights up just the slightest. You were wearing a golden dress with a corset waist and tulle skirt, the sleeves sheer and puffing out slightly before being cinched at your wrists. Your hair was left down and natural, but a matching veil was covering it.
You couldn’t fight a smile when Obi-Wan stepped out of the transport, following Anakin to the meeting of Senators. Chancellor Palpatine spoke, but you were buzzing to talk to Obi-Wan. Luckily he went straight to you as soon as everyone dispersed, the two of you falling behind the group for some privacy.
“How have you been?” Obi-Wan asks, and you almost laugh at the absurdity of his question when there are so many more important things to talk about.
“I missed you.” You say quietly, leaning in close. He does the same, the two of you walking slowly with your bodies practically melting together.
“As did I.” He tells you, and you finally look up at him. He doesn’t seem to be hurt from battle, but you can tell he’s exhausted. While you want to hear all about what happened, you also want to make sure he gets some good sleep.
“I made soup. Why don’t we go back home and eat it?” You offer, and you can see the blush on his cheeks. You tilt your head in question, but he doesn’t say anything.
“I have to report to the Council.” He says it almost sadly, and you refuse to look into it. You nod as the two of you turn around, splitting apart slightly. You’re about to ask him about the mission when you see Anakin and Padmé kissing off to the side.
“A little obvious, don’t you think?” Obi-Wan calls, and the two of them jump apart, eyes wide as they look at you. Padmé has a hand on her stomach, which is covered by a lot of layers, but you know exactly what is going on here.
“You’re pregnant.” You say it as a statement, and the couple stare at you, mouths open. Then, Anakin smiles, and Padmé lets out a small laugh, and you feel your heart absolutely rip itself apart in jealousy. A jealousy you didn’t know you could feel, that you don’t want to feel. So, you plaster on a smile, hoping your hesitation goes unnoticed, and you hug Padmé.
“Please don’t tell anyone.” Anakin says, and you pull apart from your friend.
“We won’t.” You turn to Obi-Wan, who is staring at you, but he nods. “We’ll leave you alone, now. Congratulations.” As soon as you turn away, your smile falls, and a pounding headache fills your head. Gone is the lightness that flooded your body from Obi-Wan’s return, instead replaced with a hollow pain that guts your insides.
“This is not good.” Obi-Wan says, but you don’t say a word back. You ride back with Obi-Wan to the Jedi Temple in silence, unable to speak and Obi-Wan not knowing what to say.
“Have a good meeting.” You tell him, wanting to get to his rooms as fast as you possibly can.
“Hang on,” Obi-Wan is following you, going the opposite way of where the council is located, and you wish he would just turn around and leave. “You’re acting strange.”
“These are strange times. And you haven’t been back in ages.” You tell him, knowing it’s unfair but wanting to drive him away. You make it to Obi-Wan’s quarters, quickly opening up the door.
“Are you alright?” Obi-Wan asks, walking into the room quickly after you. You felt bad about excusing yourself from Padmé’s rooms so fast, but you had to get out of there.
You thought you wouldn’t be affected by this. But now that you’re thinking about it, maybe there’s a reason why you hadn’t realized Padmé was pregnant. She hadn’t been drinking with you, she refused your invitations to train, she was wearing flowing dresses, and now that she wasn’t hiding it, it was so obvious.
You just hadn’t wanted to see it, because even subconsciously, you knew how you would feel.
Sure, the war wasn’t over, but you could almost taste the end. And Padmé had Anakin, and now their baby, and you had your friends, but you wanted Obi-Wan. And he wanted the Jedi Council.
“I’m fine.” Obi-Wan can’t have attachments, so he may understand. But it’s a choice, and he can always change his mind.
“You’re not.” Obi-Wan walks closer, and you try not to be mad at him. You’re not mad at Padmê either, but it’s hard to see someone live a life that you didn’t know you wanted until now.
“Obi-Wan, I don’t want to talk right now.” You try to tell him, but he isn’t having it. “You need to go to your meeting.”
“Why are you upset about Padmé being pregnant?” You take a deep breath, trying not to blow up on Obi-Wan.
“I told you I don’t want to talk.” You’re trying to push him away, but he is not having it.
“You can’t shut me out-”
“This has nothing to do with you. Just go do whatever Jedi shit they want you to do.” You want to physically push him, but instead you turn away, breathing deeply. You should just open up to him; you know he’ll understand. But you’ve never opened up to anyone about this. You didn’t even talk to the other Widows about this.
“You don’t have to tell me right now, but know that I am here.” His words anger you more, and you have to close your eyes to stop yourself from just shouting out all of your baggage. Instead, you take a deep breath, turn around, and look into Obi-Wan’s clear blue eyes. He could have left - he is supposed to be reporting to the Jedi Council as soon as he gets back to Coruscant. But he got off the transport to see you, and then he followed you back to his rooms to make sure you’re okay.
“I told you about training in the Red Room, and being under their control, but I never told you about the graduation ceremony.” You can remember that day like it was yesterday, remember the way your heart pounded. Looking back, you knew you were already under some sort of mind control, but you remember everything. “I’m upset because I can’t get pregnant. And that was something I didn’t even know I wanted until Padmé told us she was.” You try not to cry, but a rouge tear slips out of your eye.
“What do you mean?” Obi-Wan asks softly, and you shake your head, trying not to scoff.
“The graduation ceremony for the Red Room is where they take out all of our reproductive organs. Not a corrective, reversible procedure, but a complete evacuation. And I had no choice in this. By the time I graduated, I was already under mind control. And now, I couldn’t have a family even if that was the thing I wanted most in the world.” You shrug, as if the tears coming out of your eyes are no big deal. You turn away from him, wiping your tears and praying that someone calls him for this meeting now.
“I-I’m so sorry.” Obi-Wan says, and you can tell he’s shocked by this. Everyone always is, no matter how much it made sense in the Red room.
“I’m fine. I’ve come to terms with it. I’m just upset right now.” You say, sniffling and still looking away. You’re not paying attention when suddenly you're enveloped in a hug, one you’ve been waiting to have since he left.
You immediately throw your arms around him, and suddenly it all comes out. Every emotion from the Red Room you’ve been trying to push down flows out of you like a dam bursting, and you sob into Obi-Wan as he rubs your back, holding you close.
“Everything you have had to go through was unfair. And it made you who you are, but it doesn’t mean that it was supposed to happen to you. You did not deserve any of it.” As if you didn’t already have enough to cry over, Obi-Wan whispers the words you’ve always needed to hear into your ear, and you feel like you can breathe for the first time in your entire life.
You didn’t need the Red Room to be where you were in life, but because of the Red Room, because of your place in knowing the Avengers, you met Obi-Wan. And it isn’t fair that you were subjected to torture at a young age, and it doesn’t make it right, but you can at least look at the silver lining.
Words are bubbling on your tongue, so strong you have to bite it to keep them inside. There’s been too many admissions for today, there’s no need for another one. You can wait until Obi-Wan and you have had a talk.
“Anakin is now on the Council.” Obi-Wan tells you one night when you’re laying in bed. The two of you have been sharing his bed since he came back, and it feels like his chest was made for your head to lay on. His arm is around you, and you have a leg thrown over his thighs.
But you still haven’t talked.
“So he is a Master.” You gather, but you feel Obi-Wan shake his head.
“No. Chancellor Palpatine put him on the Council. We allowed this because we have another mission for him.” Obi-Wan should not be telling you these things, you know this, but he also has to tell someone.
“What have you asked of him?” You question, tracing your fingers along his shirt.
“The Council would like him to spy on the Chancellor.” You don’t know how to take this news; on one hand, he needs to be put in check. But on the other hand, you’re not sure if Anakin is the right person for this.
“Anakin’s relationship with Palpatine,” You start, and Obi-Wan tightens his grip on your hip. You can feel the conflict in him, and you wonder if he is unused to this emotion.
“I know. I’m worried he has too many attachments, that he doesn’t know how to distance himself the way Jedi are supposed to.” Obi-Wan’s words pierce your heart, and you almost flinch.
“Like you?” You ask, and he freezes.
“Anakin’s relationship with Padmé is different. They are having a baby. And he may see this as a blessing, but this baby can cause him to,” He takes a deep breath, trying not to get ahead of himself. “It will be different once the war is over, but right now, things are too fragile.” You pause your finger tracing as you start to think about Palpatine, about the moves he’s making as the war winds down.
“Palpatine has placed me on the Senate, and Anakin on the Council. Do you think he knows about him and Padmé?” You don’t even speak it into the air that he could know of their baby, because then the Jedi would be fully compromised.
“It is possible.” Obi-Wan shifts so that he’s laying on his side, facing you, and you lay on your side to look at him. He puts a hand around your waist and across your back, your legs entangled. You have your hand in the loose collar of his shirt, playing with it between your fingers. “If Palpatine has placed you and Anakin in different sections of government, then we have to think about the possibility that he could be working for the Separatists.” He whispers it, and you close your eyes at the thought. The thought of the person at the highest power possible in your government is working for the other side during war - it’s almost unthinkable.
“We have to have faith that Anakin will take his mission seriously.” You say softly, opening your eyes to see Obi-Wan staring at you. “And if he doesn’t, we have to be ready for whatever Palpatine may be planning.” You don’t even want to think about how you’re being used in a pawn in this war when Obi-Wan is helping end it.
“We will be.” He mutters, and then he pulls you close and kisses your forehead. Your cheeks heat, and you let yourself be pulled closer to him, the way you do every night, and you feel at least a little bit at peace having him there with you.
You know you’ll eventually talk. But for now, you can settle for falling asleep against him.
As soon as Mace Windu tells Anakin that he cannot lead the mission on Upatu, Obi-Wan knows that he will be nominated to go. His first thought is that he can’t go, he can’t leave you here when this could be the end of the war. And if he dies, after all of this, everything he’s done to secure your future…
“I vote that Master Fisto goes.” Obi-Wan speaks before anyone is even done talking, shocking the whole Council.
And then he realizes just how fucked he is.
He’s grown an attachment to you. He has done what he swore not to do. And this is different than it was with Satine, because he didn’t make decisions in the Council based on her. This is bad.
The Council agrees that Master Fisto should go to Upatu, and then the meeting is dismissed, and Obi-Wan has no idea where to go. He can’t go home, because you’re there. And he can’t see you until he figures out what exactly he’s going to do about this.
He goes to the gardens to meditate quietly, and more importantly alone. No one can know about this, for more reasons than just the fact that he needs to protect you.
He meditates for the rest of the day, and he still doesn’t know exactly what to do. But he does know that he cannot continue the way your relationship is heading.
“What’s wrong?” You ask the second he opens the door, and he knows that even if you aren’t a Jedi, you must be sensitive to the Force in the way that everyone in the galaxy is. It just confirms that you are meant to be in this galaxy, in his galaxy, and he doesn’t want to think too hard about it.
“We need to talk.” He tells you, and you put down the mug you had been washing.
“Yes, we do.” You answer, walking over to him, and he’s not sure how you know about what he’s thinking.
“We can’t continue like this.” He watches your face twitch, just slightly, and he realizes that you had a very different idea of what this conversation would be about.
Your whole world shatters right in front of you as Obi-Wan speaks, and you struggle to find words. This seemingly came out of nowhere; it was only last night that you had been sleeping in the same bed, when he had kissed your forehead and the two of you cuddled all night.
“Continue like what?” You ask, trying to be very clear in what exactly Obi-Wan is telling you.
“You know what I mean.” Obi-Wan moves to the side of the couch, leaning on it, like this is a difficult conversation for him. You want to rip him apart for acting like this hurts him.
“I’m just confused, because this whole week you’ve been acting like we were going to have a conversation about being in a relationship, even if you wouldn’t leave the Council, and now you’re - what? Deciding you can’t handle falling asleep with someone every night?” You don’t even know what to say, how to hit him where it hurts but somehow bring him closer. You are out of your depth.
“No, I’m trying to do what I have trained to do. I’ve let this go on for too long. Jedi are not allowed attachments, so it is best to break it off now.” You don’t know if his words break your heart or fuel your fire more.
“Right, they aren’t allowed attachments except when it’s convenient, right? Except when you want to? It was fine to be attached to me for two years, but sleeping in the same bed, that’s the line. Because it’s not attachments, it’s relationships. But, oh wait! There was Satine, who you made an exception for. But not me, right? Because I’m not from here?” You don’t let Obi-Wan talk, but you can see his anger start to rise at your mention of his past lover. “Or is it because you think I’m so broken that it doesn’t matter? She can break a little more, because she’s already been through so much. Is that it?”
“Don’t make me the villain here when you have known from the start that I was never going to be able to fall in love with you. Just because you are in love doesn’t mean I have to be.”
Your heart shatters on the ground.
“Who said anything about love?” You whisper, because your voice isn’t strong enough to get out a sentence at a normal volume.
“You compared yourself to Satine. You can’t fault me for assuming.” He doesn’t even take it back, and you almost slap him in the face. You want to turn away, to close your eyes as you think of what to say next, but that would show your cards, so you show nothing on your mask of a face. Your mind is racing, but there’s only one answer that even makes sense in your brain.
“Did the Jedi find out about us?” You ask softly, and Obi-Wan almost squints at the outlandishness of your question.
“What?” His words are like a whip, but you continue.
“Palpatine told the Jedi about us. That’s why you’re doing this. Right?” You cannot stand to be wrong. You cannot stand the alternative, that he chose this on his own accord. That he somehow came to this conclusion in the few hours you were away.
“No.” He says after a few moments, but you’re not convinced, not completely. If Palpatine has made his way to Obi-Wan, he would threaten you, threaten him, anyone who stood in his way. Obi-Wan could be lying to you, and you wouldn’t know.
“You never answered my question about attachments. When is it too much, Obi?” You shoot, and he shakes his head. You’re trying to get any information you can now, hoping he gives you some inclination of what to do.
“Now. It is too much now, when I am making decisions and thinking of your well being instead of thinking of what is best for the Jedi, for the galaxy.” His admission causes you to freeze, and the two of you stare at each other, neither willing to break the silence but neither willing to look away.
“That’s what love is.” You finally say, your voice so soft it’s almost unable to be heard. Obi-Wan looks like he could listen, like he wants to listen, but then he shakes his head and turns away, walking away from you. He might as well be taking your heart with him, because you’ve all but admitted your love and he has all but denied his.
“The Jedi do not have romantic relationships.” He finally says, facing away from you. You try to keep your composure, but you want to scream and choke out Obi-Wan at this point.
“Anakin does.” You pull out the only card you have, but clearly it is not a good one.
“And Anakin will suffer for it!” He turns, fire in his eyes, and you can’t help the way you back away slightly. Obi-Wan notices this and his face falls before he sighs, running a hand down his face. “I am not made for romantic relationships.” He finally tells you, but you can’t let him push you away like this.
“Then look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.” You haven’t told him you love him, not out loud, but you’re not asking him to tell him he loves you. You’re just asking him not to deny it. He looks at you, and it’s dead silent as he struggles with himself. You watch his blue eyes, waiting for him to put your heart back together.
“I don’t love you.” He says, and you physically recoil back. “At least not enough to break the code.” You have to hit him where it hurts. You take the only thing you can.
“If you’re worried about me, you don’t have to be. I am not Satine.” Your voice is shaking, and Obi-Wan’s eyes form an anger you have never seen.
“And that is exactly why I am not breaking the Code.” He shoots right back, and you have the urge to slap him. And you honestly would, if you didn’t love him.
“I hope you’re happy with your choice.” You tell him, then walk out of the room.
Your head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton, and your chest feels opened up the second you close the door behind you. You stay with your back pressed against the door, because maybe if you stay there it isn’t real. Maybe if you stay there you can get stuck in the in between.
Maybe if you stay there you can pretend that you didn’t fall for Obi-Wan Kenobi, war general and Jedi Master, just to get your heart broken the way anyone could have guessed.
You decide then that you have to do the only thing you can - you have to find out if Palpatine was a part of this. Even if he is working for the other side, if there is a chance that he can fix this, you’ll do anything. The thought slightly scares you as you walk to his office, but you don’t have a choice. With the war winding up, you could be losing Obi-Wan right here. He could ask for an assignment elsewhere, now that there’s no need to be on Coruscant, and then you would be stuck, alone, and you would hate it.
You don’t even realize when you make it to his office, but you pause outside, taking a deep breath. Everything is about to change. There’s no telling if this will bring Obi-Wan back to you, back to your arms, but you have to try.
You open the door, ready to plead your case, when you see Anakin. You only have a moment to wonder what he’s doing when you see Master Windu as well, and that’s when you notice the window has been broken.
A fight has already occurred here.
“The Jedi are taking over.” Palpatine is laying against the wall, Master Widu’s light saber pointed threateningly at him. You walk slowly in, and realize you must have been right behind Anakin, who is looking conflicted between the Jedi and Palpatine.
“The oppression of the Sith will never return.” Master Windu counters, holding steady in the broken window. “You have lost.” You feel like it slams into you slowly, something you should have thought of. It should have been obvious, but you must be out of practice because you are blindsided as you watch Palpatine yell at Master Windu before shooting lightning out of his fingers.
Chancellor Palpatine is the Sith Lord.
Master Windu uses his lightsaber to hold back the lightning, but the wind from the broken glass is not in his favor. You have to come in now, because Anakin is just standing there, not doing anything.
“I have the power to save the one you love! You must choose.” Palpatine says to Anakin, and you grab his arm.
“Anakin, help Master Windu.” You say, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Anakin snaps his head to you, eyes narrowing, as Palpatine begins to drain away. Maybe, if you can hold Anakin for long enough, Palpatine will kill himself. But no, Palpatine stops before he dies, and lays there, face disfigured from using so much power, and Master Windu is back on him.
“I am going to end this, once and for all.” Master Windu says, and you are thankful that this seems to be over.
“You can’t.” Anakin argues, and it’s your turn to snap your head to him. “He must stand trial.” You almost slap Anakin, wondering what he must be thinking right now.
“Anakin, he has control of the entire government. It wouldn’t be a fair trial, and he is far too dangerous to be left alive.” You need Palpatine to die, not only for you and Obi-Wan, but now for Anakin, who seems to be seduced by whatever power Palpatine has promised.
“I’m too weak. Oh. Don’t kill me. Please.” Palpatine begs, and you wish you could just roll him off the side of the building. His begging is pathetic.
“It’s not the Jedi way.” Anakin tells you, and you shake your head. “He must live.” Anakin is shouting over the wind, which is whipping your hair from how high up you are.
“Please don’t.” Palpatine begs once more, and you decided fuck the consequences. This man cannot live. He’s too powerful, too dangerous.
“I need him.” Anakin says, and that seals it. You go to grab Anakin’s lightsaber, but you’re just a second too late; he has already unclipped it, pulling it back in one hand and using the Force to push you against the wall in the other. You hit it hard against your head, and you think you actually see stars as you slide down, far too close to the edge of the window for your liking. You can’t tell much of what’s happening, blinking to try to regain your senses, but you can see Anakin and Master Windu fighting, and then the lighting as Palpatine yells and kills Master Windu.
Everything happens far too quickly. Once you’re finally able to tell what’s going on, You see Anakin on his knees, in front of Palpatine, and you sit up, a little too fast but you have no time to recover.
“I pledge myself… to your teachings.” Anakin promises, and you feel your heart constrict.
“No!” You cry, trying to stand. But you’re sent back against the wall again, and this time you actually black out, the last thing you hear being Palpatine’s raspy murmurs.
When you finally are able to pull your eyes open, Anakin is no longer in the room. You can feel the blood falling down your neck, onto your pretty dress, but you have to push forward. Anakin could be dead, or worse.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t kill you while you were out.” Palpatine says from across the room, and you bite your tongue on every response you have.
“You’re going to regret that, because it will have been the only chance you would have gotten.” You don’t stand but you do move to a better position to get on your toes or move around.
“I assure you, there is still a chance for us to work together.” Palpatine offers, and you frown as he comes closer, reaching a hand out. He puts it on your chin, and you’re pulled to your knees, your neck strained as you try not to lash out too soon. “You may not be strong in the Force, but you can be taught. And what better teacher than I?” You twitch out of his grasp, but he holds firm. You close your eyes, thinking of a plan. You have to get out of this, and that means you can’t open your mouth or act too quickly. You pray to the Force, feeling stupid, but you need something. You need help.
When you open your eyes, you see Master Windu’s light saber sitting discarded on the ground, just out of arms reach.
“You could make an incredible apprentice. And I know just how well you can listen.” You can’t take it any more. You throw your body backwards to free a leg and kick Palpatine away, hoping to gain enough time. Just as Palpatine throws out lightning, you grab Master Windu’s lightsaber and ignite it, thankful for all your training and knowing exactly where the button you need to press is. You hold it out to protect yourself, and the full force of a Sith Lord hits you quickly. You stumble back, falling onto your bottom, but you hold the lightsaber strong, keeping the lightning from killing you.
You shake as the lightning is almost too much to bear with both hands clasped on the hilt, but you have to hold strong. If Anakin has fallen, the fate of the galaxy is literally up to you. No one else knows about Palpatine, and by the time he enacts his plan that reveals himself it will be too late.
Finally, after what feels like years, Palpatine is too weak to continue. He falls to the ground, and while you would like to do the same, you have to get to Obi-Wan. You have to tell him what has happened.
You’re shaking as you stumble all the way back to his quarters, and you don’t notice you’re crying until you begin to sniffle, and then it all hits you.
You are holding the light saber of a dead Jedi. And Anakin, whether dead or turned, is gone. You have no idea what the fate of the other Jedi will be. You have to get to Obi-Wan.
“You may not be strong in the Force, but you can be taught. And what better teacher than I? You could make an incredible apprentice. And I know just how well you can listen.”
The words ring in Obi-Wan’s ears as he comes out of the vision. He saw you and Palpatine, your chin in Palpatine's hands. Whatever power he’s seduced you with, however he’s done it, Obi-Wan has to undo it. He’s sure this vision is of the future, because how could he have known that you had gone straight to the Chancellor after your fight?
He knows what he has to do, and he will do anything to set it right.
He’s about to leave when you come bursting through the door. You’re wearing a dark purple gown, the sleeves billowing with your speed. Your hair has grown over the three years you’ve been on Coruscant, and now it is curly, a silver half moon hair piece stuck to the back of your head askew from when you had hit the wall. Blood has run down the side of your neck, but you seem to be paying no mind to it.
And you have a lightsaber in your hand.
You have never looked more like someone from this galaxy, and the thought of you leaving him makes him want to double over in pain.
“Obi, I have to tell you something,” You gasp, but Obi-Wan is right there, hands on your face bringing you in for a kiss.
This kiss is one unlike anything you've ever experienced. It’s passionate and full of love, and with your free hand you grab his shoulder and pull him close. Your mouth is opening to let him in, and he has his hands in your hair, pulling you in like you’ll disappear on the spot. And as much as you want this to continue, as much as you would love to kiss him forever, you have to tell him Palpatine’s plan.
“Obi, I have to tell you,” You’re still struggling to breathe, still shaking, so Obi-Wan takes your breath away, kissing you once more before pulling away.
“Let me go first.” He mutters, hands still on your face. You nod, because you can see the urgency in his blue eyes. “I’m sorry we fought. I lied to you. I am made for romantic relationships,” You feel time slow down as he speaks, as you both heave breaths against each other. “Only with you. And you’re right, you are different from Satine.” This is not what you expected him to say, and you are speechless as he talks. He moves his hands to your waist to hold you close, and you push yourself against him as if this is the last time you’ll ever be able to do it. “I do love you, Y/N. I love you more than I have ever experienced.” The admission makes your heart run wild, and you stare at him with your lips parted in shock. Obi-Wan takes this as the perfect opportunity to kiss you, and you let him for just a couple moments before you push him back gently.
“Obi, I love you too.” You sigh, watching his face morph into a small, gentle smile. Just as you’re about to deliver your news, to warn him and tell him his best friend and padawan is gone, you feel a slight pain in your chest. Before you can even yell out his name, you’re being ripped out of his arms and your surroundings are blurred. The air is punched from your lungs as you hit a wall, your head smacking into it once more. Your head is spinning now, and you can barely even open your eyes as you lay against the cool ground.
“Y/N!” Someone is saying your name, and your head feels like it’s never been heavier. You try to lift it, to take in your surroundings, but everyone is talking and you can just see blobs of people.
“Give her space.” A voice commands, and your brain sets off little alarm bells that are covered in cotton. You try hard to think of why you would be concerned, but there is so much pain in your chest and in your head that there is no room to think.
“Obi?” You call weakly, hoping that he’s in the crowd of people. Palpatine must have found you, blasted you with the lightning, and you - what? Went through a wall?
You’re still not sure. Your head is pounding and your brain is foggy, but you need to find Obi-Wan.
“Honey, can you hear us?” A voice calls, and you take a sharp breath in. You recognize this voice. This is a voice you have known for a long while, even if you hadn’t heard it in the past couple years.
And that’s why the warning bells are going off.
“Obi-Wan!” You scream as you tilt your head up, but it’s too late. You’re in the Avengers Compound, Natasha sitting next to you as you scramble to stand. Your vision is blurry as you look around the people who were your friends three years ago. The remaining Avengers are standing around you, and you blink as you take in the fact that you’re back on Earth, your home that feels less like a home now. You are not where you belong, not anymore.
“You’re alright.” Steve puts a hand on your shoulder behind you, and you whirl around, fighting the urge to throw up.
“Where’s Obi-Wan?” You’re disoriented, having gone from Obi-Wan’s rooms to the Avengers Compound, which is supposed to be in a galaxy far, far away. You are not meant to be here.
“Who?” Natasha asks, and you spin again, looking at the familiar faces of your friends. But none of them are the familiar face you want to see - need to see.
“Oh, God,” You mutter, feeling sick. You need to get to him, but you don’t know how to find him or how you got to Corscant, but you need to find a way back. Now.
“What happened, Y/N?” Tony tries to ask, but you can’t speak. Obi-Wan and Padmé are in danger, and Anakin could already be gone. And they have no idea.
“He’s in danger!” You cry, continuing to look at everyone as you blink, as if it will change the fact that you have been ripped away from Obi-Wan at the worst time. “They’re all in danger, I need to warn them.”
“Who? What’s going on? Talk to us.” Natasha grabs you, and you finally let your face fall as panic sets in.
“Obi-Wan,” You know this isn’t going to explain anything, but you can’t recount the last three years in an eloquent way. “I-I went to this galaxy, and Obi-Wan, he helped me. But they’re at war, and there’s a super bad guy, they didn’t know who he was! But it’s the Chancellor, and they don’t know, they’re going to get manipulated and,” You can barely breathe, and Steve is there to help hold you up when your legs give out.
“You fell in love with Obi-Wan.” Bruce says, and you can only blink.
“H-How?” You shudder, as if all the Avengers are in on some joke they made at your expense while you were gone. They’re looking at each other as if things are clicking into place now, and you shake your head.
“It’s the curse.” Thor says, and your brain stutters. “That’s why you’re back now.”
“Why now?” You ask, tears falling down your face. “Why after all these years-”
“Years?” Natasha cuts you off, and you realize Natasha’s hair for the first time. Her roots, barely red growing in, her blonde hair that she had dyed fresh back in 2018. And you hadn’t been the best at keeping track of time Coruscant but you know it’s been long enough that Natasha’s hair should be longer, or different.
Ice washes over you as you realize what has been going on in your own universe.
“How long do you think you were gone?” Tony asks slowly, and you feel the air leave the room.
“I was there for three years.” You say, and they know you’re telling the truth, because unlike Natasha your hair is different, your face is different and you are different. You push away from Steve, needing space to breathe and too feel everything crash over you.
“Holy shit,” Rhodey says, and you feel like you might throw up.
“How long has it been here?” You ask, afraid of the answer. Nothing has changed here, but you remember how bad it was. And now, things are bad on Coruscant and on Earth.
You lost both.
“Four weeks.” Steve says, looking guilty. You vaguely remember fighting with him before you left, but that was literally years ago for you. You thought you would never see these people again.
“You need to send me back.” You turn to Wanda, who has wide eyes.
“No!” She says immediately, and you can’t understand.
“Why? You did it the first time.” You’re reeling, because every moment you’re here is precious moments being wasted where your friends could die.
“The spell doesn’t work like that.” Wanda says, frowning. “And even if it did, I thought I killed you.” You pause, because you realize what that must’ve been like for Wanda.
“It wasn’t your fault.” You make sure to say. “But you have to send me back.” The room erupts into chaos.
“There are no do-overs for the spell.” Bucky tells you, and you turn to see him for the first time.
The whole reason why you had originally done the spell, and you didn’t even realize he was here. You can see the hurt on his face, but part of you doesn’t have the capacity to care because while the Avengers have already lost, your friends in the Galactic Republic have a chance and you are the only one who can give that to them. You have a second shot at saving people, and you’ll be damned if you mess it up again.
“Send me back.” You say, sounding hysterical, because everything is starting to set in. If Wanda can’t send you back, then you are stuck on Earth. Obi-Wan is stuck in his galaxy. “Please, you have to send me back, please, I don’t care about the consequences,” You’re breathing heavily, tears falling from your eyes. Your friends all look at you with sad faces, and despite being in a room full of people, you have never felt more alone. You cannot breathe, cannot think in here.
“Y/N,” Steve has a hand on your shoulder, and you let out a scream. Not a sob, a full scream, because you have lost Obi-Wan. And you have no idea if he’s dead or alive.
“No!” You cry, feeling Steve pull on you as you fall to the ground. “No, I need to be there, I love him,” Your voice is horse, and you let yourself lay against the ground, head pounding and eyes drooping. You’re still trying to get air in your lungs, but it’s not quick enough. Your vision is swimming.
“It will be okay,” Natasha comforts, voice tight, and you grab her arm.
“Send me back,” You beg, and she sucks in her lips, your vision going blurry. “You have to,” And then your head is lolling and you’re out of it.
The team looks at each other, all concerned with how horrible you took that, except Bucky is looking at you, face unreadable. He leaves quickly, and Steve sighs, looking back to your body.
He knows this is the last time in a long time you’ll be peaceful, so he picks you up and brings you to your room, hoping you stay asleep.
Obi-Wan is standing in his rooms, arms outstretched where you just were. His elbows and shoulders are sore from you being ripped away from him, and this is the only thing you left behind as evidence that he didn’t imagine the whole thing. He blinks once, then things start to click into place.
Was this all a test?
Were you sent by the Jedi to test him?
Was the vision even real? Was any of it real? Because nothing else makes sense. It doesn’t make sense for you to be here one second and then the next you’re gone.
He doesn’t have time for tears, because his brain feels like it’s pounding in his skull as he rethinks every moment with you. It couldn’t have been fake, the way you kissed him, the things you shared. But people don’t just disappear out of thin air, unless..
Unless you had died, and you moved into the Living Force.
Obi-Wan doubles over, barely able to breathe because suddenly there is a great disturbance in the Force. This is worse than just you dying. This is a mass incident, and Obi-Wan is now reeling.
Not now. Not after everything he’s already been through.
But he can smell smoke, he has to go. He has to move on. He has to win this war, even if you won’t be here to see it.
I would never leave you guys like that. The Epilogue - What I Wouldn't Sacrifice - coming December 20th
summary: After having a new baby, you realize it takes a village to make things work.
word count: 4425
warnings: a little postpartum depression but it's a happy ending with a lot of fluff
i don't think there will be a 12 days of christmas this year, but i'm going to try and post some more fics leading up to christmas :)
Steve's Problem Masterlist
main masterlist
“Babypool cash out will be tonight after dinner. I repeat, Babypool cashout after dinner. The winners are-“
“Steve, turn that shit off!” You scream through the house, because James is running around with no pants on and Oliver is screaming in her arms. That’s right, Baby #2 is a boy, and Eddie, Dustin and Max are elated. The rest of The Party, however, is pissed off. They were so sure that Steve would be a girl dad, but you think maybe you were just destined to be a boy mom.
But your heart aches, and you don’t know if it’s because having two kids has been so much harder than you thought or if it’s because you were hoping for a girl. You feel guilty for both.
“I can’t find the goddamn thing! I think Henderson hid it somewhere.” Steve comes into the kitchen, not wearing a shirt and his hair sticking up. You’re pretty sure his pajama pants are on backwards.
“I know you’re all just so upset about not getting paid out, but I would like to remind you that Steve wants six kids, so-“
“Not anymore,” Steve says, trying to find the walkie that’s probably shoved between diaper boxes. Dustin had gotten upset that you and Steve never responded, which made Steve and Dustin get in a fight about how Steve had a newborn and can’t always take the calls about stupid shit.
Because the truth was, Oliver had been a nightmare for you and Steve. He didn’t sleep, he was having a hard time latching, and James decided he was going to become an absolute menace. You were able to take a break from the diner, but you couldn’t afford childcare so you were sure you weren’t going back. Steve did his best when he came home, but he had gotten a new job that he absolutely hated but made more money. And he had been torn apart by watching you in labor. He wasn’t sure how anyone ever did it more than once, and he sure as hell didn’t want you to go through it again.
“There’s always next time!” Dustin is so gleeful that you think you are going to just punch the kid when you see him again.
“Shut up!” Lucas yells into the walkie, and you can’t help but agree. You’re still trying to get Oliver to just eat a little bit so you can put him down and get ready. You’re supposed to be going to the Wheeler’s tonight for Thanksgiving, but at this point you want to tell Steve to just tell everyone you’re not coming. You’re exhausted, could fall asleep now if you tried, and you can’t even remember the last time you showered. Everything feels like a monumental task, and you have to keep your kids alive too. Not to mention the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking. You could have never managed your family in the trailer, but at least it was easier to clean everything.
“You’re just mad because-“ Finally Steve finds the walkie, and through some sort of divine self control he does not throw it to the ground and crush it under his feet. He takes out the batteries and puts them on a high shelf, because James wants to eat everything, then takes a deep breath.
“What have we gotten ourselves into.” Steve asks softly, hand over his eyes, and you wonder if he already has a migraine. Oliver finally latches, and you could cry in relief. You lean back in your chair, and of course James runs through, screaming at the top of his lungs. Steve grabs him and lifts him up, and you smile as they are the exact opposite of each other - Steve with no shirt, James with no pants.
“It’s time for you to get a bath.” Steve says, and James pouts.
“No!” He yells, and Steve raises his eyebrows. You frown, because of course your son has decided to throw a fit now. He’s got the ‘terrible two’ energy for sure.
“Yes. Unless you want to go see Max all stinky.” You smile a little at this; you discovered recently that James has a huge crush on Max, and you and Steve definitely use this to your advantage to get him to do anything.
“Okay.” James grumbles, and the two of them head to the bathroom so James can get cleaned up. Once Oliver is done eating they’ll give him a little bath too, but finally he’s calm and you feel a little at peace.
You enjoy the silence for as long as you can, until Oliver moves his head and decides he’s done. You can hear Steve in the back, talking and singing to James. You hear him get out of the tub, and you take Oliver to the back so you can start a bath for him too.
But Steve has already done almost everything, set up the baby bath and ran a small bit of water. You almost cry with the three month old in your arms, and try to pull yourself together. If you start crying now, you think you may never stop crying.
~
On the way to the Wheeler’s, your heart starts to race. The boys are quiet; they love being in the car and driving around. But you haven’t hung out with your friends since you had Oliver, and when you met them James had been much older. You were way better adjusted. What would happen when you showed up and looked a mess?
“Hey,” Steve put a hand on your thigh, eyes still focused on the road even if it was clear his attention was now on you. “What’s goin’ on?” He asks softly, as if he’ll break the spell that keeps the boys entertained. As if anything could do that when they’re in the car.
“Nothing.” You smile and grab his hand, because you do not want him to know that you’re struggling. This is your second time, you’re supposed to have it together. And Steve has been such a champ, working and being an amazing dad, and you can barely handle being a mom.
“I know it’s not nothing.” He looks at you when he stops at a red light, and you know he’s seeing right through you.
“I’m just thinking.” You shrug, as if it’s no big deal. Steve frowns.
“About what?”
“About how your light is green.” You smile as he jolts, the car behind you honking. He moves forward, his attention once more divided.
“You know you can always talk to me. I am always here for you. I mean, we have two kids, I don’t think anything is off the table anymore.” He says, and you feel marginally better at this. Of course Steve will always be there for you. He was there through the late nights with James. He lived in the trailer with you. He didn’t leave when things got rough with Oliver, and he’s not leaving now.
“I love you.” You tell him, heart almost exploding with emotion. He grabs your hand, squeezing it.
“I love you too.”
~
“Steve and Y/N, do you copy?” Dustin asks through the walkie, even though he knows that at this point if you haven’t responded you either aren’t home or you took the batteries out of your walkie. Dustin thought he had hid it well last time, but maybe you went through diapers faster than he thought.
“Dude, why don’t you just call them? They have a phone now.” Mike says. Nancy, Jonathan, and Robin have all said that no drinks will be opened until Steve and Y/N get here. And once they get here, the kids will be in charge of James, because apparently he has been driving his parents insane.
“They never answer.” Dustin shrugs, and Will rolls his eyes. Dustin had requested his mom have Thanksgiving lunch instead of dinner, since it was just the two of them, and Lucas would be joining as soon as the dinner was over (even if he had to sneak out).
“They’re probably on their way.” He says, being rational when Dustin didn’t want to.
“I doubt anyone would notice if we took a beer.” Mike tells them, and they all turn to see the adults standing around the drinks.
“I think they might notice.” Dustin says, and Mike mocks his face, annoyed at being treated as a child after all this time. They’re all almost old enough to drink, but the adults don’t care about that at all.
“They have two kids. Maybe they deserve the first drink.” Will pipes in again, and Dustin screws up his face.
“That was their choice! I didn’t chose to be the babysitter.” He argues, and Mike can’t contain his laugh.
“I think Steve said the same thing about you.” Before Dustin can argue back and start a fight, you and Steve are coming through the door.
“Fucking finally.” Dustin says, heading to the drinks when the adults begin to crowd around.
“Oh, he’s getting so big!” Nancy croons as she looks at Oliver, and you give a small smile. Steve had entertained both the boys while you got ready, and you feel more like yourself than you have since you had Oliver.
“James!” Max says from behind Robin, and James lights up, immediately pulling himself from Steve’s hand and going toward her. You follow everyone into the Wheeler’s house, and put Oliver’s carrier down. Just as you’re about to crouch, back aching, Steve puts his hands on your shoulders and starts massaging. It feels so nice you straighten, leaning into the touch and closing your eyes.
“I got him.” Steve tells you, and you nod, turning and giving him a brief kiss before almost running right into Joyce and Karen.
“You look so amazing,” Joyce tells you, her voice laced with sincerity that makes you want to cry.
“Here’s a drink.” Karen holds out a cup for you, and you stare at it for a moment, confused. You’ve never even met Karen, but she seems very nice.
“I’m breastfeeding.” You tell them, pushing the drink away slightly with a frown.
“Well, don’t feel pressured, but we got you formula. In case you wanted a night for yourself.” Karen’s words rattle in your head, and you blink as you take this in. Joyce, who you’ve met a handful of times, and Karen, who you have never met before tonight. They did this for you and your baby.
“Okay,” You accept the drink, because you have no idea how to ask them why they would this for you. Why they would go to all this trouble. “Thank you.” You say, and they both smile, genuine, big smiles.
“Y/N!” Robin calls, and you turn to see an open spot on the couch between her and Robin. You’re frozen for a moment, but your eyes meet Steve’s and everything melts away. He’s smiling, holding Oliver like he was put on this Earth to do that. He winks at you, and that’s all you need to walk to the couch and sit between the girls.
“So, how’s life with a baby and a helper? Better than last time, I’d imagine.” Robin just jumps right in, and you take a large gulp of your drink, because you do not want to explain to your friends that it’s actually so much harder, that you barely even talk to Steve and you’re still worried he thinks he dived in a little too fast.
“Oliver is much different than James was.” You land on, looking at the baby in Steve’s arms. He’s asleep now, thankfully, because if he wasn’t he would be crazy. He doesn’t like sitting still, and he loves to scream at everything.
“How so?” Nancy asks, and you sigh.
“I’m lucky. James was such a calm baby. He was okay as long as he was near me. But I feel so out of my depth with Oliver.” You tell them, and they nod, as if they understand this.
“You know we’ve been waiting on your call to come help you.” Nancy tells you, and you snap your head over to her.
“What?” You ask, searching her face. She’s genuinely smiling at you, and you’re confused all over again.
“Did you think that we lied to you in the hospital?” Robin asks, and you vaguely remember them promising to come help you out whenever you need right after you had given birth. You frown, trying to force out a laugh.
“Well, yeah, but everyone offers that stuff. I didn’t think that you guys would actually want to come spend your days off with two screaming children.” You tell them honestly. Nancy grabs your hand and you turn back to her.
“We meant that shit. If you need us to hold the baby and watch James while you and Steve sleep, we’re there. If you want to hold the baby, we can do laundry or the dishes or anything you need. We are here for you.” She tells you, and Robin puts a hand on your knee in solidarity.
“I-I don’t know what to say.” You admit, tears pooling in your eyes.
“You don’t have to say anything right now. You just have to call us when you need us.” Robin leans in, holding you close, and Nancy does the same.
“I’ve never had friends like this.” You whisper, letting one tear fall as you take a deep breath, the girls still keeping their arms around you.
“You do now.” Nancy tells you, and you fully believe her. Because her mother just gave you a drink and made sure that your baby would be taken care of. And right now, as you fight back tears, you’re watching Joyce and Karen offer to take Oliver and feed him, a full bottle already made and it’s too much.
“I can do that.” You pull away from the girls, throat so close to being too tight to speak. You watch as the two mothers turn to you, frowns mirroring on their faces.
“We know you can,” Karen says softly, and you blink confusedly. “But you don’t have to. You can relax, at least for tonight. We raised five kids between us, we can handle one for a couple hours.” She smiles, and you can’t help the tear that falls down your face as you stare at them.
“Babe, are you okay?” Steve stands, hand going to your back. You can’t even nod, because you have never been treated with this much love and respect. You don’t know what to do with it.
“You can feed him, if you want. We won’t kidnap your baby.” Joyce says with a hesitant smile, and you shake your head, because you truly do want a break. The kids are all playing with James, despite the drinks in their hands, and you, for the first time in you don’t know how long, have nothing to do.
“The winner has arrived! And he brought pie.” Eddie yells as he comes through the door, and the kids all yell, which worries you for a second that James will get startled. But he joins in on the screaming, and when Oliver starts fussing Karen puts the bottle to his lips and he calms immediately. You’re a little lost, so you down your drink and then let Steve lead you over to the front of the house to get another one.
“Are you alright?” Steve asks again, and you nod as you refill your drink. You take a long gulp, then look at him.
“I have never had this kind of support.” You tell him, and you watch as his face crumples.
“I didn’t have it for a long time. You know about my parents,” He trails off, and you lean against the table, reaching your free hand out to touch his face. “The fact that we have it now,” He doesn’t finish this sentence either, and you nod, letting him lean his forehead toward your own. The two of you stand like that, enjoying your first moment without the kids screaming at you since Oliver was born. There are still the sounds of The Party arguing, Eddie telling the others about his pie and Karen cooing over Oliver. It all seems to be outside of your bubble and in slow motion, and you lean your chin up to press your lips together. You’ve missed this kind of kiss, the kind that wasn’t a hello or goodbye but just because, an I-love-you-so-much-I-can’t-contain-myself kiss. It’s glorious, everything you’ve been missing, and you press your body closer to Steve as he puts his hand on your hip.
“Oh my God, you guys live together! Pack it up!” Dustin cries, and as you part slowly from Steve you almost turn to hit Dustin.
“Dustin! What is your damage?” Robin smacks his shoulder, and he at least has the decency to flinch.
“What? I don’t want to see that all night. And they’re scarring poor James.” You look over to see James happily playing with his favorite person, Max, and you feel more irrational anger build up.
“Can you not just leave us alone for three goddamn seconds?” Steve asks, and Dustin rolls his eyes.
“Fine. We can do the cashout now and leave you alone, I guess.” He pulls out his wallet, filled with cash from the babypool, and you scoff.
“That still has to do with us! Ya know, considering we’re the ones who made the thing you bet on.” You take a long drink of whatever’s in your cup, trying to calm yourself down.
“Should have entered it then.” Dustin shrugs, then walks over to Max. You inhale sharply, about to tell off the little punk, but then Steve’s hands are back on your shoulders, massaging them so smoothly that you have no choice but to relax into his touch.
“He’s not worth it, babe. Trust me, he’ll never see the light.” Steve tells you, and you manage a small laugh before turning in his arms, letting him hold you.
“Do you think we’ll win the Babypool next time?” You whisper, face resting against his chest as his hands gently rub up and down your back. He pauses as you talk, freezing.
“Next time?” He mutters, pulling back to look down at you without separating. You blink slowly, feeling the alcohol - you haven’t had any in over a year.
“What happened to your six nuggets?” You ask, and Steve melts a little in your arms.
“I thought we had our hands full with two.” He tells you, and you shrug as you lean up and kiss him again.
“We do. But maybe we can lean on our support system a little more.” You look around at the kids, who aren’t kids anymore, playing with James, and the moms fawning over Oliver. When you look back, Steve is smiling, eyes watery in a way that scares you slightly. “What? Do you not want more kids?” You guess, pulling away. But Steve holds on tight, shaking his head.
“You’re back.” He whispers, hands gripping you tightly. You frown, confused.
“What does that mean?”
“After you had Ollie, I was so worried you were never going to escape your head again. I didn’t know how to help you. But now you want more kids, which, we need to seriously talk about, because I don’t know if I can watch you go through that again, babe-“ You just pull him close, putting your head against his chest and holding him tight. Maybe you had retreated in on yourself after Oliver, but you had Steve to fall back on. And you are so thankful for that.
“It’ll be okay.” You tell him, and ofr the first time ever, you well and truly believe that.
And then Oliver cries.
You pull away, going to him as Joyce and Karen try to calm him down. “It’s okay, don’t you worry,” They’re telling you, but you can’t help the way your heart is lurching with every cry that comes out of Oliver’s mouth.
“It’s okay, thank you guys for taking him this long.” You smile, and they smile back, handing over your baby. Steve his behind you, one hand on your back. You turn to him, feeling lighter than you have in awhile but still worn down. “I’m gonna take him to a quiet room.” You say, and Karen jumps forward.
“The guest room is right over there, on the first floor.” She smiles, and you nod, thanking her again. Steve rubs your back as you move away, keeping his steps in time with yours.
“Should I stay with you?” He asks, and you shrug.
“You don’t have to. You can go hang out.” You don’t want to make Steve stay with you; you’re used to these sort of things. Missing out because your son is overstimulated, or because you need to feed him or he needs a nap.
“Hey, he’s my son too. I’ll be there.” Steve opens the door to the guest room for you, and you go in completely shocked still that you aren’t alone. How you keep forgetting, you have no idea, but every time it shocks you how many people care about you, care about your sons.
“So, another baby.” Steve says as you put Oliver on the bed. You realize you don’t have a bottle, and you can’t breastfeed because you’ve been drinking. Just as you turn around, Steve is there, holding the bottle with a smile. You take it, relieved, and sit next to Ollie as you place the bottle in his mouth. He’s too little to hold it up, but he tries, his little hands grasping greedily at it. You smile, then look back at Steve and remember what he had just said.
“Do you still want more kids?” You ask, looking back at Oliver. If you’re being honest, you don’t know if you want more kids. If Steve had asked you this morning, you would have told him to sleep on the couch until further notice. But you needed this reminder of your support system, of Steve’s love and devotion, to put things in perspective for you.
"You scared me with Ollie, I won’t lie.” Steve chuckles, sitting down on the other side. He looks so much like Steve, but his nose has the same little curve as James’. His mouth has the same smile. His eyebrows curve the same way. It makes your chest tight, to realize that you hadn’t completely messed your life up with one mistake. You may have even improved it. “But that dream of six kids, of having a basketball team with just our family and going camping every summer? I can’t say it’s dimmed just because Ollie has a set of lungs.” You chuckle, smiling at your son who kicks his legs as if he can understand. “It’s ultimately up to you, though. I would never put you through something you don’t want to go through.” Warmth rushes through you at this, and you breathe deeply as you think about what exactly you’re going to tell Steve. It’s quiet in the room, the only sound Oliver’s suckling, and you finally look up.
“I think you would be a great girl dad.” You say quietly, and watch as Steve’s eyes widen slowly.
“Can I be honest?” Steve whispers, and you nod, heart racing at the revelations revealed today. Not everything will change, and it won’t be sudden. But you know you need to rely on others more, and you intend to do just that to get Baby #3 on the way. “Can we start right now? Because you’ve never looked hotter.” He says it so sincerely, and you laugh even as your cheeks heat. You lean over Oliver, just like you leaned over James the first time you kissed. And when you think about it, you’re pretty sure it was in this house, in this room. How insane time is.
~
After dinner is served, and Steve had gotten you a plate so you could eat alone for the first time since you had Oliver. Karen and Joyce had taken him back, and then Robin and Nancy had taken him while the moms ate. Steve had fed James, who was starting to get tired. So tired, in fact, that not even Max’s premise could keep him from going off the edge. He was done, and it was about to be everyone’s problem.
“I think we’re going to head out.” You tell Nancy and Robin, taking Oliver back. They frown, standing up to hug you.
“My mom loves Oliver so much. Please use this to our advantage and have her watch him so we can go out soon.” She says, and you smile. You need to go out with them desperately, to have time away from the kids, and you’re going to do this before you and Steve have another kid.
“Also,” Robin starts, grabbing your shoulders. “We need to talk about the wedding. I know you’ve been busy, but we know that you want to get married before you have any more kids. So, that needs to be soon.” She smiles, as if she can see right through you, and you chuckle, thanking them both.
“I promise, we will go out more. And if I ever need any help, I know exactly who to call.” You grin as they both hug you around Oliver, and you feel so full you could practically burst.
You and Steve say the rest of your goodbyes, until you finally get to the door, where Karen and Joyce are waiting with hands full of food containers.
“These are for you guys.” Karen smiles, and you can only blink.
“We can help take them to your car.” Joyce says when neither you nor Steve answer. Steve nods, and he carries James as you carry Oliver to the car. He puts James in, then takes Oliver from you. You turn to Joyce and Karen, confusion still running through your mind.
“Why are you guys doing all this for me?” You ask, watching their faces fall slightly. They had bought formula, and taken care of your baby, and now they’re giving you their food. You didn’t deserve any of this.
“Honey,” Joyce says, putting the containers on the ground. Karen follows, the two of them stepping closer to you. “This is what mothers do for their daughters.” She says it so simply, so matter of fact. Like there is no question, no arguing.
You burst into tears, right there in front of the Wheeler house on Thanksgiving.
You know the second he makes it back. You had heard rumors, but you didn’t want to see him as Hardeen. You didn’t want to see him until he was Obi-Wan. So, you waited until he was done with his surgeries, until everything was restored, right outside his door. You could tell he wasn’t expecting you, still wearing a loose t-shirt and pants, nothing like the robes that he usually wears. You’re wearing a simple night dress, not really appropriate for outside a room but you cannot care now.
“Y/N, what a-” You slap him straight across the face before he has the chance to say anything, watching confusion roll across his face.
“How dare you?” You ask, crossing your arms as you stare at him. He blinks, trying to figure out what you’re saying.
“I beg your pardon?” He doesn’t move for fear of you lashing out at him again.
“You let me think you died!” You push him, and suddenly he realizes how horrible that must have been for you.
“I’m sorry. It was only temporary.” He tries to soothe, but this just fires you up even more.
“Temporary?” You seethe, and he opens his mouth, realizing his mistake, but you beat him. “You wanna hear something temporary? Your stay here. Go somewhere else.” You open the door and step inside quickly before you go to slam the door, but he uses the Force to catch it.
“These are my rooms.” He tells you like it matters at this point.
“And you were my best friend. Best friends tell each other things.” Your throat catches, because you know what you’re keeping from him. You want to tell him, but you can’t, at least not right now. And you’re not sure if it’s wise to out Palpatine, unsure where his loyalties lie.
“The Council decided-”
“Oh, ‘the Council’ this, ‘the Council’ that! I don’t give a shit, Obi-Wan! You should have told me. You knew what I went through, and you put me through that.” Your voice starts to crack with emotion, and Obi-Wan suddenly pulls you close. You’re shocked, but you wrap your arms around him, soaking him in. You’re happy to have him back, even though he lied to you and hurt you.
“I should have told you.” He says finally, and it means so much for him to admit this, to take responsibility. You break down into tears, letting Obi-Wan hold you close. “I’m sorry. From now on, no more secrets.” He promises, and you don’t say a word, your guilt weighing your heart down.
“You scared me.” You break the silence after a couple moments, face still pressed to his chest. Your eyes are wet, and your heart is pounding.
“I’m sorry.” He apologizes again, hand moving up and down your back. “I won’t leave again. I promise.” He pulls away to push hair out of your eyes, and you know that right then is the moment you should kiss him. If there was ever a moment, it’s this one right now. His hand is still cradling your head, the other pressed against your back keeping you close. Your hands are holding tight to his shirt, and you take in his face, making sure it was all back to normal. His hair had grown through some weird science they had, and his voice was back to normal. You didn’t want to know how they had transformed him into Rako Hardeen, so you didn’t ask.
But his lips, those were definitely the same. You would know, with how much time you spent studying them. And his eyes, that had been how you knew something was up. You would recognize them anywhere.
You can barely breathe as you feel your body set on fire where his touch is, his fingers spreading from your ear to the back of your head. You want to kiss him, so bad you don’t care what the consequences are, that you’re in the open outside his quarters.
“Can I stay tonight?” Obi-Wan is quiet, but you’re still shocked when he asks.
“They’re your rooms.” You whisper, afraid to move. He’s looking across your whole face, and you work hard to keep your eyes on his.
“I feel that they’re yours now too.” He admits, and you can’t help yourself. It happens so fast you barely even register doing it, but suddenly you’re grabbing his shirt and pulling him in, his beard scraping your face as your lips press together.
It’s better than you could have ever pictured it, his lips softer and more gentle than you anticipated. There’s no moment of hesitation on his part, nothing that gives you any doubt that he might not want to kiss you back because he’s doing it immediately. One of his hands goes to your waist, bunching your dress in his hand, and the other is in your hair, holding you close by the back of your head.
You don’t break for a breath, don’t even feel the lack of oxygen as you move one of your hands to Obi-Wan’s face, your hand feeling his facial hair. He pulls your body closer, and you almost go limp in his arms. You are pressed up against a Jedi Knight, the Jedi Knight that you’ve wanted for years now. All you can think about is his body against yours, his lips moving in tandem with your own, his -
Something thuds in the hallway, and the two of you jump apart. Obi-Wan’s hand gets stuck in your hair, and you yelp as you pull away, moving into the room. He follows you, trying not to pull any more, and the door swings closed. You have no idea what was in the hallway, but right now you need to get Obi-Wan’s hand detached from you.
“Stop moving!” He tries to grab your shoulder, but you have a hand on his wrist as you push him away.
“Why is your finger so entangled?” You groan, and finally (with a few hair casualties) you get yourself detached from Obi-Wan’s hand. You sigh in relief, rubbing your head, before you widen your eyes, turning away from him.
What have you done?
You turn, mouth open to say something, and realize Obi-Wan is also about to talk. The two of you just stare at each other before someone at the door knocks, drawing both of your attention. You look back at each other, and you realize how bad this looks. And this time, unlike when you first came to the galaxy and you were sleeping on Obi-Wan’s couch, there is a real reason for you to be worried about company.
You don’t have to look in a mirror to know there is no smoothing down your hair with your hands, just like Obi-Wan doesn’t need to pull at his shirt to realize that it won’t simply unwrinkle from the way you gripped him. His lips are a little swollen and you know yours are too, but even if all of that wasn’t a dead give away, Obi-Wan has blush creeping from his cheeks all the way to his neck.
“We have to answer that.” You say and then the door knocks again. Your heart is racing, having no idea who the hell is on the other side of that door.
“Do we?” Obi-Wan asks, and you smile slightly. You’re about to agree when the knocking gets more intense.
“I know you’re in there, Obi-Wan. I saw you and Y/N in the hallway.” Anakin yells through the door, and your blood runs cold.
Anakin saw you and Obi-Wan kissing.
“Fuck,” You say, and Obi-Wan can only nod at you before he goes to open the door for Anakin, who is smirking and looking more smug than you have ever seen him.
“You two seemed busy.” He smiles, and you almost smack him across the face. If he saw, there’s a large chance anyone else could have seen it.
“What do you need, Anakin?” Obi-Wan asks, not even entertaining his former-padawan.
“I came to tell you we have a new mission. Grievous’ army has attacked one of our allies. We need to be there to make sure he’s taken down.” He’s serious now, and you feel your heart drop. The war is coming to Coruscant, and it’s making your heart race.
“Have Cody and Rex been contacted?” Obi-Wan looks down at his shirt, then looks around, as if something could magically change the fact that he looks like he’s just been kissed out of his mind. You’re no better, and you can feel the scratches on your face from Obi-Wan’s beard.
“Yes. You’re the last one.” Anakin explains, and Obi-Wan nods, scraping a hand over his face.
“I’ll be there soon.” He says to his former padawan, and Anakin nods. He pauses at the door, however, and you can see the smile threatening his face once more.
“So, it just takes Obi-Wan faking his death for you two to figure it out?” He looks between you two, and you want to curl into a ball and die. You haven’t figured out shit - you grabbed Obi-Wan and kissed him and you have no idea how he feels about you.
“Goodbye, Anakin.” Obi-Wan shuts it down, and you smooth down your hair - as if it’ll help now.
“Have some fun tonight. Could be the last time we see each other before the war ends.” Anakin seems happy, but Obi-Wan doesn’t care.
“Ah, yes. Say goodbye to Padmé for me when you’re having your fun.” Obi-Wan turns his back on Anakin, leaving the other two to stare at each other, wide eyed.
“He knew?” You start to say, and Anakin’s already opening the door.
“Gotta go,” He’s saying, but you don’t care. Your mind is racing as you piece everything together.
“Hey, no,” You chase after Anakin, because there’s no way he’s getting away with this. “He knew about you guys. You and Padmé told me he didn’t.” You are not letting him get away with this, because you know why he did this.
“You already know why we did that.” Anakin sighs, and you blink, surprised he admitted to it.
“I can’t believe you guys.” You shake your head, but you’re shocked that Padmé and Anakin meddled in your life to set you and Obi-Wan up not once but twice. And you never even noticed, only thought Padmé was acting a little strange.
“It worked though, didn’t it?” Anakin smiles like the little shit he is, and if you were more invested you would chase after him as he runs down the hallway.
When you go back into Obi-Wan’s rooms, he’s got a new set of robes on and his hair is smoothed out. It’s almost as if all the evidence of you is gone, and you try not to react to this.
“I have to go. I’m sorry to leave you again.” Obi-Wan says, and you pause. You hadn’t realized what Anakin had come to say, and now your heart ached.
“It’s okay.” You tell him, but it’s not. You don’t want him to leave, not when you just got him back again. Not when you’ve finally kissed him. But the galaxy is at war, and Anakin said this could be the end. You can talk about your feelings (miniscule in comparison to what’s at stake here) at a later time. When the war is over, you’ll have plenty of time for personal things.
“I’ll call you.” He promises as he walks out the door, which shocks you. You don’t have the time to ask him how.
You try not to be upset about the fact that he didn’t even sleep in his bed, that it still smells like you and not him and now he’s leaving once more.
“Good luck.” You say, wanting to do something more, to let him leave with something more, but you’ve already pressed your luck with the first kiss. As much as you want to talk to him about it, you can’t right now.
“We say, ‘may the Force be with you.’” He explains, and you nod. You still don’t understand the Force, even after all this time, but you know how important it is for him.
“May the Force be with you, Obi-Wan.” You tell him, and he stares at you for a moment, his expression unreadable.
“May the Force be with you, Y/N.” He nods, then leaves, and the emptiness returns to your heart with a vengeance.
“Padmé!” Anakin bursts through the door, his wife startling with how fast he entered. “Padmé, it worked, we did it.” He’s breathing heavily, having run from Obi-Wan’s rooms to Padmé’s, which are much further than his own.
“What are you talking about?” She asks, brushing her hair out at her vanity. Anakin takes a deep breath, not wanting to keep her waiting.
“Obi-Wan and Y/N.” He says, as if it explains everything. Padmé frowns, not sure what exactly he’s talking about. “I saw them kissing.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Padmé stands, hands going to her mouth in shock.
“They were kissing?” She asks, and Anakin nods. “Where?”
“Outside Obi-Wan’s quarters. I think it’s the first time she’s seen him since he got back.” Anakin feels like a youngling gossiping before Master Yoda found them.
“And?” Padmé has a smile on her face, but Anakin falters.
“And?” Anakin repeats, and Padmé tilts her head.
“Did you see anything else?” She asks, causing Anakin to look away. He starts to realize his mistake, but he’s afraid to tell Padmé now.
“Oh, yeah.” He nods, and she notices he’s being strange. Before she can ask, Anakin takes a deep breath and lets it out. “Because I went into Obi-Wan’s room after,” He can’t even explain how the two looked, how it was so obvious that they were into the kiss completely.
“Why would you do that?” Padmé yells, walking closer. Anakin takes a step back, suddenly afraid of his wife.
“I needed to tell Obi-Wan something.” He hasn’t told Padmé about the fact that he has been called to battle, and he doesn’t want to leave her.
“And it was so important that you interrupted their moment?” Padmé asks, and Anakin isn’t quite sure what to say to this.
“Actually, yes. Obi-Wan and I have been called to battle.” He tells her, and her whole demeanor changes.
“What?” She says quietly, and Anakin feels awful now. He hadn’t meant to tell her like this, to dump all of the drama at once, but he hadn’t been thinking. He knew he had to tell Obi-Wan first, then he could maybe soften the blow with Padmé. He wanted to make it a good night for her, even if she’d still miss him just as much. It never gets better when either of them leave, but he thinks she handles it better than he does.
“I’m sorry, Padmé.” He says, grabbing her hand and pulling her in. Her chin is wobbling, so he kisses her quickly to try to stop her from shedding any tears. “It’s not forever.” He tells her against her lips, and she just nods, taking a deep breath before kissing him again, arms around him leading him to their bed.
It’s rough when the Jedi leave, since they’re usually not gone for such a long time at the same time. If Obi-Wan was gone, Anakin would at least be there, and vice versa. But with the war picking up speed for the final battle, it was only expected that they would both be gone.
“We can only hope that this will be the final battle, and soon we can live in peace.” Padmé and you have been staying together a lot more recently, and you suspect she feels lonely without Anakin. But he’s gone a lot, so you have to wonder what is different about this time. The way she’s talking, hopeful and scared, it’s not out of character for her but it is different than how she talks in private.
“It would be nice to see what peace looks like in this galaxy.” You mention, taking a sip of the sweet drink Padmé had made you. She invites you over not to train anymore, but for snacks or meals or anything, really, and sometimes you end up sleeping over anyway.
“It’s beautiful.” Padmé sighs, and you nod. “I’m sure you and Obi-Wan will enjoy it.” She turns to smile at you, and you furrow your brows.
“Obi-Wan?” You ask softly, confused about the change in topic.
“Anakin told me about what happened when he came back from the assasination attempt mission.” She has a smirk on her face, and there’s no denying what she knows. You can’t even try to. But, you can change the topic to question her.
“Oh?” You look into your drink, not wanting to show your cards. “Anakin told me about your plot to get us together.” You turn to her, and she stares wide eyed, mouth agape. She clearly hadn’t been expecting that.
“How did you,” She starts, because she knows Anakin didn’t just simply tell you. You had to have figured it out somehow, and she’s waiting to see if you’re mad.
“Obi-Wan knew that you two were together. He was upset that Anakin had,” You clear your throat, cheeks heating when you think about the last time you saw Obi-Wan. “Interrupted us, so he told him to say hi to you when he leaves.” You’re smiling, and Padmé only takes one moment before she bursts into laughter.
“It worked, didn’t it!” She argues, and you laugh.
“I guess it may have worked a little.” You sigh, but you honestly don’t know yet if it worked. Obi-Wan only kissed you back - he’d been in love with Satine. Surely he would have said something if he had feelings for you. But you didn’t have a lot of time before he had to leave, and thus you don’t have a clear read on his feelings.
“A little?” Padmé shifts toward you, her flowing dress moving as well. “Obi-Wan does want to be with you, Y/N. Sometimes, it’s so obvious, I’m surprised the Jedi Council hasn’t noticed.” You roll your eyes.
“You’re one to talk.” You shoot, and Padmé’s mouth drops open. “I’m sorry. I’m just not sure of Obi-Wan’s feelings for me. I know he kissed me back, and I know that sometimes, it feels like there could be something more. But he is a Jedi, and I don’t see him ever breaking the Jedi Code.” You say truthfully. Padmé nods with your reasoning, but she doesn’t quite agree with it.
“Anakin told me about Satine. He said that Obi-Wan almost broke the code for her.” Padmé is trying to help, you know this, but she isn’t. She is making things worse.
“And Satine was the love of his life.” You don’t want to bring down the mood, so you take a deep breath, take a drink of your sugary liquid, and turn back to her. “How are you dealing with Anakin being gone, even if this is the end?”
“It’s harder than it usually is, I think.” She tells you, and you nod. “It’s almost worse that it’s the end, because if something happens after all this time,” She chokes on emotion a little, and you put a hand on her leg.
“Anakin is very resourceful. He’ll be okay.” You try to comfort her, and she nods, not meeting your eyes.
“You must be worried about Obi-Wan.” You know she’s not trying to get information out of you, but your old habits are creeping back in after the stressful past months you’ve been having. You have to physically fight against your shoulders which are threatening to rise.
“After I had to watch him die, I don’t think it could get worse than that. So I’m optimistic that the war will soon end, and I’ll be able to enjoy this galaxy the way it was meant to be.” You explain looking out and wondering where the Jedi must be now.
“I’ll be ready to make our plans.” Padmé says with a light voice, and you take a deep breath as you try to imagine your life here without the war.
“Ah, Senator. Congrats on your win.” Chancellor Palpatine greets you when walk into his office, having been summoned by one of his assistants.
“Thank you, Chancellor.” You don’t want to anger him, don’t want to make him somehow upset and push him into using his blackmail.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I called you here today.” The Chancellor never moves quickly, and you try not to lose your mind as he slowly moves to the other side of his desk, keeping you on your toes. You try not to show how it makes you react. You don’t speak, and you think this may frustrate him, but he doesn’t show it. “I’m giving you your first task.” You try not to freak out, especially because Obi-Wan wasn’t even here. Chances were, he wouldn’t be here for whatever you had to do.
“I didn’t need your help to win.” You say, because it won’t help, but you want him to know that you could have done it on your own.
“You may not have needed it, but you and I both know you need me for other things.” He says it like it’s a diplomatic deal, and you resist the urge to simply kill him. You don’t say another word, just stare at him, and he hums as he makes you wait.
You nearly lose your patience, because he called you in. And it’s not like you had much to do, since Padmé was too busy to train but never too busy to have a meal with you, and you needed some alone time in Obi-Wan’s quarters every so often. It seems that your friend has gotten better at dealing with her own alone time, inviting you over less, but that just leaves you to wander the Archives in search of a book that isn’t fall asleep boring.
“I know about the Red Room.” Palpatine finally says, and it almost knocks you off your feet. You stop breathing for a second, staring at him and trying to figure out how exactly he found out about it. “And I know you were a Black Widow, which you feel is very similar to the Jedi.” How he figured this all out, you don’t know. What you do know is there’s no denying this. Now, not only does Palpatine have evidence of Obi-Wan’s treasonous feelings against the Jedi Order, but he also knows about your past. You close your eyes to give yourself a moment of peace, because you know your world is about to fall apart.
Any path you take now, it will end with your heart broken. If the Chancellor is bringing up your feelings about the Jedi, then he will be asking you to go against them. And if you don’t, then Obi-Wan will never see the beautiful post-war peacefulness you envisioned for the two of you. He won’t want it if you go along with Palpatine, but at least he’ll still be a Jedi.
“What do you want?” You seethe, not caring for niceties anymore. Clearly the Chancellor doesn’t care, so why should you?
“It’s really quite easy. All I need you to do is propose a Plan of Action at the next Senate Meeting.” He says it like he’s asking you to go get him a glass of water. You wait for the other shoe to drop, because there’s no way this is it. You know he expects you to ask, to lose your mind, which is why you stand with your arms crossed and wait for him to finish speaking. “A plan to force the Jedi to take their Younglings later in life. I’m sure you agree with this, having been told about how early they’re ripped from their homes?” Palpatine knows too much, and you’ll give him credit for finding all of this out without you realizing. But you know that there’s no way this is it, and now you can’t help but ask.
“What else?” You watch Palpatine smile, and it doesn’t look quite right. You try not to beg, but you want to, just to get out of this situation and get back to Obi-Wan’s rooms.
“That’s all.” He answers, standing behind his desk. “I’m glad you’re able to see things my way with little persuasion.” He tells you, and you turn around before you do something that you’ll regret.
But damn if you don’t fantasize about killing him painfully just a little.
You walk alone to the Senate meeting, not asking Padmé if she wanted to join you to get ready. To be fair, she hadn’t invited you over either, but you knew you couldn’t get ready next to her knowing what you were tasked with. Having to sit with her in the Naboo section would be bad enough.
She’s already there, wearing a flowing dress and a cloak over top. You had opted for a loose dress with intricate stitching, a cape attached. It felt like a lot to wear, but this was a Senate meeting. You had even put a round headpiece in your hair, hoping the illusion of an angel would make less people hate you for what you were about to do.
Padmé makes small talk, fiddling with her dress, and you can tell she’s nervous about something. You have no idea what it could be, and you don’t have time to ask before the meeting has started and you’re preparing yourself to stand.
All you have to do is hit the button that signals to the Chancellor that you have a Plan of Action. He’s already talking about Jedi, so you do it now, not wanting to risk him catching you off guard.
“Senator Arder,” The Chancellor calls, and Padmé frowns as she looks at you. You had chosen a fake last name when you started running for Senator, since your current last name had no connection to Naboo or even the surrounding planets.
“Thank you, Chancellor.” You say as you stand, the platform you’re on moving to the center of the room. Your voice is amplified by the microphone in front of you, and for a second you think you can’t do this. You can’t make a proposal like this.
But then you think of the hologram Palpatine showed you, of you and Obi-Wan and how Padmé had said it seemed so obvious. You can’t let anything happen to Obi-Wan.
“I propose a change to the Jedi way.” You say, listening to the gasps fill the room. You feel sick.
“What are you doing?” Padmé whispers, but you can’t answer her.
“The Younglings are too young to be taken from their families. I propose the Jedi must wait until the child can fully understand the commitment they’re being thrown into.” You don’t know how to articulate your real feelings on this matter; on one hand, you knew how it felt to be ripped from your home and forced into something because of how you were born. On the other hand, Obi-Wan had explained to you why they took the children so young, and you had no idea what repercussions this may have on the Jedi.
“Interesting,” The Chancellor says over the outrage of other Senators. The Jedi are out protecting you, and you stomped on it like you didn’t care.
“With all due respect, Chancellor Palpatine, the Jedi cannot be made to change a rule.” Master Windu says, standing from his seat. He seems very upset, and you feel even worse now.
“Actually, the Chancellor was granted emergency charge over the Jedi while the war is still waning.” The creature next to Palpatine says, and you suddenly realize what this power play was about. You feel dizzy as it all slams into you, and you have to grip the controls in front of you.
Palpatine is going to control the Jedi completely now.
“But we can’t be taking a Plan of Action from a Senator who barely knows the Jedi way.” Master Windu argues, and you agree. You just hope he can win this fight.
“I think we need to take into consideration Senator Arder’s point. The Jedi should not be allowed free reign of where they go and who they help, just because their Council decides.” Your eyes widen and your stomach drops, because this was way different than what you had proposed originally.
“Wait, I didn’t say-”
“The Jedi are not soldiers, they are peacekeepers.” Master Windu says, and you step back, knowing how out of hand this has gotten.
“And yet, you’re more soldiers and less peacekeepers as the war rages on.” The Chancellor says, and you can tell Master Windu wants to say something back but keeps his mouth shut in the interest of preserving the Jedi reputation. “Let’s bring it to a vote, shall we?” The Chancellor asks, and your platform is being moved back. You jolt, falling into your seat, thinking about what you just did to protect Obi-Wan. And he doesn’t even know, so he’s going to be upset.
You may as well have blown up your life.
As soon as the meeting is over, Padmé grabs your arm when you attempt to leave.
“What was that?” She asks, seething. The Plan of Action had passed, and you felt sick thinking of the powers you had just granted Palpatine. It wasn’t about changing the age for the Younglings, he had twisted it to be in full control of the Council.
“Padmé, you saw what happened. You know I didn’t mean it-”
“No!” Padmé lets go of your arm as she yells, and you’re shocked. You’ve never heard her yell before. “Why would you even bring the Jedi up? Obi-Wan has to have explained some things to you.” She questions, and you take a deep breath, looking out and watching everyone file out of the large room.
“I had to do it.” You finally say, not able to look at her.
“Why?” She won’t let this go, and you know the only way to get her off your back would be to tell her exactly what predicament you're in.
“I’ll tell you in your quarters.” There’s too many people here, and though Padmé is upset she must realize this too as she looks around.
The walk to Padmé’s rooms is silent, neither of you willing to break the ice wall that’s formed. You think of all the possibilities of how she’ll react to your revelations, and your head almost splits with the pain you feel in hurting more of your friends.
“I don’t expect you to understand.” You start with, because she was the last person you would have ever told. She would have found a way out of this, and instead you played right into it.
“Try me.” She’s sitting on the couch, crossing her arms while you pace in front of her.
“A while ago, before I was actually in the Senate, the Chancellor came to me. He told me that he’d like to work with me, that he would help me win if I took his offer.” You watch as Padmé’s face morphs into anger, and you take a deep breath, stopping your pacing. “I didn’t take the deal. I didn’t want to win like that, and I didn’t want to end up owing him anything. I told him no. But Padmé,” Your voice cracks, the thought of finally telling someone sending emotion welling up your chest and into your throat. You’ve kept this secret for so long, you don’t know how you could possibly let it out now.
“It’s okay.” Padmé stands, putting a hand on your shoulder. “You can tell me.” She’s much more comforting than you thought, and you wonder if you had her all wrong this whole time.
“He knows things he shouldn’t know. He had a hologram of Obi teaching me how to wield his lightsaber. He knows about the Red Room, that I was a Black Widow.” Even Padmé doesn’t know much about your time as an assassin, but these words shoot off warning bells in her head.
“He blackmailed you?” She asks, but she already knows the answer.
“I would never, ever propose something like that, or let him use me. I just can’t be the reason Obi-Wan gets kicked out of the Jedi Order.” You explain, and Padmé nods. You can tell a plan is already forming in her head, and you wished you told her sooner.
“We need to tell the Jedi Council about this.” She says, but you shake your head.
“If he realizes that I crossed him, he’ll release the hologram. And he’ll tell everyone I’m not from Naboo, that I’m not even from this galaxy.” The possibilities of him ruining your life, ruining Obi-Wan’s, flash before you, and you almost double over.
“We can’t let him get away with this.” Padmé says, but you shake your head.
“He already has.”
“Oh my God!” You scream when you walk into Obi-Wan’s rooms a couple days later, seeing a hologram of him erupting from a black device you’ve never touched on the coffee table.
“Y/N! I’ve been waiting for you to come back, where have you been?” Obi-Wan asks as you shut the door, walking fully into the room.
“I was training. I didn’t know you would randomly call me. I didn’t even know this is how you could call.” You tell him, grabbing the black device and putting it on the ground to make it seem like he was there with you.
“What did you say in the Senate meeting?” Obi-Wan asks immediately, and you pause, shocked. You knew the news would get back to him, but you hadn’t expected it so soon.
“Obi-Wan, that got taken out of context.” You try, but he shakes his head. You can tell he’s distressed, that the battle is taking a toll on him and you have definitely made it worse.
“Why would you even bring up the Jedi?” He seems betrayed, and you know that he has every right to be. “I know you compare them to the Red Room, but I thought we talked about that. I thought if you ever had another issue, you would come to me.” He seems so genuinely hurt by this, and you wonder if you will ever be able to repair your friendship unless you tell him why you did it.
“I would.” You say quietly, unable to look at the hologram. Obi-Wan is quiet, and so are you, and you wish he was actually there with you.
“Then why didn’t you?” He asks quietly, and you take a deep breath. This could be the end of everything, but you know if you don’t tell him then there’s no salvaging anything.
“Obi,” You start, then take a deep breath. “I was asked by the Chancellor to bring this Plan of Action up. Because he has a holo of you teaching me how to wield your lightsaber. And if I don’t do what he asks, he will take it to the Jedi Council.” You watch your words sink in, Obi-Wan’s face masking the horror you know he must be feeling. He knows just as well as you that the video isn’t innocent, and the Council won’t see it as two friends sharing knowledge.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” You’re in shock that he would ask that as his first question, and you stand still for a moment. He’s not mad at you for following Palpatine, or for the Plan of Action. He’s upset you didn’t tell him.
“I didn’t want you to feel guilty. There’s nothing we can do without outing you.” You explain, and Obi-Wan’s hand goes to his beard, stroking it to show how deep in thought he is.
“I could have come up with a plan for you,” He turns away, and you can’t help but close your eyes against the guilt you feel.
“I couldn’t let the Council use this against you.” Your voice is tight, but you’re able to get the words out.
“And now, the Jedi will face changes that can have dire consequences.” He snaps, and you try to take a deep breath. He’s just angry, you know this, and he has every right to be.
“Once the war is over, Palpatine will have to give up his power, and the Jedi can go back to being Peacekeepers in the galaxy.” You want to ask where he will go, but you don’t dare press your luck now.
“We don’t know when the war will be over. Maybe this is the last battle, but if we lose against Grievous, the war will stretch on.” He tells you, and you nod.
“If you don’t defeat him now, how much longer do you think the war will last?” You ask, and Obi-Wan sighs, turning his full body back to you.
“I don’t know. I wish I could say not long, but we’ve been hunting Grievous for years and he has evaded us every time.” He seems almost defeated already, even though he hasn’t lost yet.
“When the war is over, Palpatine will likely do what he must to stay in power.” You tell Obi-Wan, letting him in on your suspicion that the Chancellor may not be in the Galactic Senate for the right reasons.
“I’ve gotten that feeling too.” Obi-Wan confirms, and you nod.
“If he threatens us, I will do everything I can to keep the Council from seeing the holo.” You leave out the part where you tell him that you are assuming he would stay with the Order. If Obi-Wan were to leave the Jedi way, the video wouldn’t matter.
“We will cross that bridge when we come to it.” He tells you, which makes you feel even more guilty. “For now, I want you to tell me if he asks you anything else.” Obi-Wan tells you, and you nod.
“I will. I’m sorry for not telling you before.” You once again wish he was really there, because apologizing to this hologram isn’t the same.
“It’s alright, I understand.” He comforts, and you resist the urge to look away. “I will end this war for you. I know you’ve only known war in the galaxy, and there is so much more to see.” He promises, and your heart beats out of your chest.
I will end this war for you.
“Obi?” You almost chicken out of what you’re going to say, so you rush it out quickly. “I don’t care where I am in the galaxy, or if you stay with the Jedi Order, as long as I’m with you.” And while you’re not sure how much any of that would work, you know it’s the truth. You need Obi-Wan, in any way he’ll give it to you.
“I feel the same.” He says, and it’s the closest the two of you have ever come to admitting your feelings. Before anything else can be cleared, however, there’s a pounding noise on his end. He turns his head to something you can’t see, then looks back at you. “I must go now. There’s only so much time Rex and Cody can stall for.” Your cheeks start to heat at the thought of the clones having to cover for the two Jedi Generals to talk to their women, but you try not to think about it too hard.
“Be careful, Obi. May the Force be with you.” You almost reach out to touch him before you remember that this is just a hologram, and Obi-Wan isn’t really here.
“I will.” Obi-Wan promises, and then the hologram cuts out, leaving you alone in his quarters. It’s quiet, and you want to let all your emotions out. You almost do, but you know it won’t do anything to help your predicament.
You and Obi-Wan will find a way out from underneath Palpatine’s thumb, and when you do, maybe you’ll finally talk about your feelings.
if you've seen clone wars, you know where this is going
Obi-Wan wishes there was another way.
He hadn’t exactly signed up for this mission, but he also hadn’t said no. And part of that was because he felt like he couldn’t say no to the Jedi Council, but part of it is because despite what he’s going to go through, what he’s going to put everyone through, he can’t betray the Republic by saying no. He became a Jedi to protect and serve, and he will do exactly that.
“Requested specifically by the Chancellor, you were.” Yoda tells Obi-Wan as he sits in the mission room, only himself, Yoda and Mace Widu. They will be the only Jedi informed on this mission, due to the confidential nature. But the fact that Palpatine knew, that he had requested Obi-Wan specifically?
“What do you mean?” Obi-Wan asks, trying to calm himself because even reaching out through the Force, he has no idea what Yoda and Windu’s feelings are about the Chancellor.
“The Chancellor knows about the plan for his kidnap. He asked that you be the Jedi on this mission.” Master Windu tells him, and he takes a moment to breathe before he changes the subject, because even talking about the fact that Palpatine played a part in this makes him want to shake in anger.
“Anakin should not know about this.” He tells them. He thinks about this plan, the way they’re going to attempt to stop the Separatists from kidnapping the Chancellor. And no one can even know about it.
“I agree.” Master Windu says with a nod, hand on his chin. He shares a look with Master Yoda, one Obi-Wan can’t quite decipher. What else could possibly be going on?
“Your Senator friend kept in the dark, we think is best.” Master Yoda says, and Obi-Wan pauses before he realizes they’re talking about you.
“What does Y/N have to do with this?” He asks, knowing that telling them you’re not a Senator yet will do nothing for his case. He will need to tell you about this, and he knows you’ll keep it a secret. “Was this your idea, or the Chancellor’s?”
“Close with her, you are.” Master Yoda says, nodding at the two other Jedi. Obi-Wan furrows his brows. Where, exactly, were they going with this? If they were going to accuse him, they would do it outright. He knows that he’s already overreacted to this, but he needs to know who exactly put this into place. He no longer trusts this mission.
But it washes over him like cool water - there is nothing he can do.
“Just like Anakin, her reaction will be needed to sell your cover.” Master Windu explains, and Obi-Wan doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t agree, but he also doesn’t disagree. He doesn’t want this mission to fail, to put everyone at risk, most of all the Chancellor. The fate of the Republic could fall on his shoulders, and all he has to do is not tell you about the plan.
Easier said than done.
“She is not a Jedi, she does not know how to take loss.” He wants to tell them that you’ve already had to take so much loss in your life, that it isn’t fair to add more loss that will only cause you pain. But explaining that will certainly give away any feelings he has for you, ones that aren’t love but are stronger than they should be. Too strong for a Jedi, especially one on the Council.
“Strong, she is.” Master Yoda says, and Obi-Wan knows he’s lost this battle. He cannot fight this one, and he must yield. “Be okay, she will. Not forever, this is.” The green Jedi informs him, and he nods. He’s right, this mission is not forever. A month, at most. The Festival of Light is when they would make their move if they were smart. And then he replays the words that have been said, and he realizes just what they mean.
“You said her reaction has to be authentic,” He starts, hoping against all odds that he’s wrong about this. “You don’t mean that she has to be there…” He trails off, because he can tell by their faces that they do mean exactly what he’s saying. You’re going to have to watch this happen. Even though you never asked for it, and you’re not even a Jedi, you will have to sacrifice something for the Jedi, for the Republic, and you won’t know it.
“We’re truly sorry, Obi-Wan, but this is what is required of you.” Master Windu says, and Obi-Wan wants to shake him, tell him to wake up and realize how different this is for him than it would be for anyone else.
“She’s not going to go easily. She’s not…” Obi-Wan doesn’t know how to explain to the other Jedi that you won’t let him go without a fight. “She’s been trained in many ways, she knows better than to let it go.” He explains, but he can tell the other Masters are not concerned.
“Take care of it, we will.” Master Yoda says, and Obi-Wan knows he’s lost. There’s nothing for him to fight anymore. The Chancellor has requested him for this, and now two of the most powerful Jedi are standing there, waiting for him to agree and prepare for the next month.
“Very well.” Obi-Wan nods, dropping his head and looking at the ground. He doesn’t want to do this mission, doesn’t want to lie to the people closest to him, but he will if it means that the Galactic Republic won’t fall. If it means you and all his friends will be safe. “Only the people in this room will be informed. And I’ll ensure that she is there.” He says, not able to look up, trying to process his mission. This is one of the hardest missions he will have to go on, and he’s worried about what he’ll have to go through.
What he’s going to put you through, now that he can’t tell you, now that you’ll have to witness it.
“I will reach out to our bounty hunter then, and give you the date to start.” Master Windu stands, and the meeting is over. Obi-Wan finally lifts his head, taking a deep breath, and hoping he can make this quick. He knows there’s no use in hoping it’s painless.
“Where are we going?” You’re on the back of Obi-Wan’s speeder, holding onto him. He had asked you to come with him and Anakin that night, and you had agreed, still slightly guilty about the fact that you were working with Palpatine. Anakin was next to you, and you looked around for anything that could be out of place.
“We’re just on a routine check.” Obi-Wan tells you, but you can feel something is off. He’s tense, and his knuckles are white against the handles. He’s keeping something from you, the same way you’re keeping something from him. So you don’t push him, trying your hardest not to press yourself to him while you hold him.
“Obi,” You start, not sure where you’re going, but then you realize you’re being shot at. Obi-Wan drifts to the side as he brakes, and you hold tight to avoid being thrown over the side. He grabs you off the speeder and pushes you behind him as he presses against the wall of the building, Anakin following suit.
“Did you see who it was?” Obi-Wan asks, looking over at Anakin.
“Bounty Hunter, I’d assume.” Anakin peaks over, and a shot almost takes his head off before he pulls himself back.
“I’ll follow him, you go right.” Obi-Wan tells Anakin, and you frown.
“What about me?” You ask, pulling your blaster out of the pants you had worn tonight. Obi-Wan seems worried for a second, and you almost tell him there’s no reason to, but he’s talking too quickly.
“We’re jumping to the top, so you can be ground support.” It sounds stupid, like a job you give a toddler to get them out of the way, but the Jedi are jumping to the top of the buildings and running after the bounty hunter, who’s shooting backwards. You sprint with them, making sure to get a good look at the guy. You see his light skin, his jutting cheekbones and face tattoo. You try to take aim, but you’re also keeping up with the Jedi and you miss your first uphill shot.
The bounty hunter hides behind something on the roof, and you pause, looking around to try and find Obi-Wan. As your eyes scan the top of the building, you see Obi-Wan move from his hiding place, you have no time to do anything. You feel like you’re in slow motion, your blaster coming up as you turn to find the bounty hunter. He has his gun already trained, though, and you shoot too quickly, hoping to get him quick enough that he won’t hit Obi-Wan. But you should have known better, you should have been practicing shooting instead of hand-to-hand combat, but you feel like you’ve never been under this much pressure. Your mind is blank as all the oxygen leaves your body at once, the reality of what is going to happen because of you absolutely crushing your lungs. You swear you can see the blast leave the bounty hunter’s gun, and you watch as it hits Obi-Wan right in the chest.
And then he falls off the roof, right in front of you.
“Obi!” You shriek, forgetting all about the bounty hunter. You step forward to him, dropping your blaster as your hands go to his bearded face. He landed roughly, but you’re not worried about broken limbs. His eyes are closed, and there’s a hole singed into his robes right over his heart. “Obi, open your eyes.” You beg, heart in your throat. You can’t think rationally to do any life saving things, because you just watched Obi-Wan Kenobi get shot and fall off the building and now he’s not breathing. He’s a Jedi, he doesn’t die from something small like this. You hear Anakin land beside you, and you watch him move your hand to take his pulse. You hold your breath as you wait for him to feel something. Anything.
“There’s no pulse.” Anakin whispers, unable to look away from his Master’s closed eyes. “Something’s not right.” He leans back, breathing heavily. You have no idea what Anakin is talking about, all you know is that you need Obi-Wan to open his eyes and hold you close. This is not right.
“Obi-Wan,” You know Anakin just checked his pulse, but you have to feel for yourself. You push your hand against his neck so hard it would bruise, but you don’t care. You have to find a pulse. “Obi, please,” You’re not sure if your voice is calm or if you’re even talking, because your vision is swimming as your fingers find nothing. Your eyes are blurry… with `tears? Are you crying?
No. You need to calm down, to think rationally. Obi-Wan is gone, he’s dead, but his killer is still alive. You feel ice go through your veins, and your heart slows as you see red.
The bounty hunter is a dead man walking.
You grab Obi-Wan’s lightsaber, clipping it to your own belt and standing.
“What are you doing?” Anakin asks, still kneeling on the ground.
“I’m going to kill that man.” You say, your cold tone almost makes Anakin shiver.
“He’s long gone by now. We need to get Obi-Wan back to the Temple, and then we can track him.” Anakin’s voice cracks as he speaks, and as much as you hate this, you know he’s right. You can’t go off half cocked when you haven’t even processed the loss of Obi-Wan; it’s exactly what you did with Bucky, and look where that got you. You suddenly feel that bubble of rage pop, letting those emotions you had worked so hard to push down crawl back up your best.
“Anakin,” You whisper, feeling the tears rise. Obi-Wan is lifeless behind him, and you can barely stand to see it.
“Y/N,” He repeats your tone, and you fall to the ground, straight into his arms, and start crying.
Later, you’ll use your comm link to tell the Jedi Council that General Obi-Wan Kenobi is dead. Later, you’ll have to attend his funeral, holding his lightsaber and pretending like this isn’t the worst loss you’ve ever felt in your life. Later, you’ll lie to the Jedi about his lightsaber, and Anakin will cover for you, something you never acknowledge but know is a big deal. Later, you’ll pretend you’re worried when Padmé voices her concerns about Anakin.
But for now, you sob against the dark robes of Anakin Skywalker over Obi-Wan, and everything you’ve never been able to tell him, never will be able to tell him now.
Your heart breaks irreparably.
“That’s good, but you have to be more precise. Without the Force, you’ll look like you’re just holding a sword.” Anakin has already shed his outer layers while the two of you spar with lightsabers, just as you’ve been doing everyday since Obi-Wan has been gone. You go to Senate meetings, but you don’t care to campaign. You know that with your deal with Palpatine you’ll win anyway, so who cares? You’d rather spend your time training.
“I don’t care what it looks like, as long as it goes straight through Rako Hardeen.” You expect Anakin to flinch at this - you will be going against Jedi code, killing an unarmed being, as Obi-Wan’s assassin had been captured and brought in. Anakin is helping you train, and he’ll help you plan, but because of the way you’re determined to get revenge for Obi-Wan, you’ll be on your own when you break into the Coruscant prison and kill the bounty hunter. “Besides, he won’t have a lightsaber to fight me with. All this training is great, but I’m ready to go now.” You’ve wanted to go after Hardeen since the day Obi-Wan was covered, which at first Anakin was on board with. Once the Jedi Council caught him before you and Anakin could and brought him back, unharmed, you had to switch plans. Anakin knows there’s something wrong with everything about this situation, but you won’t listen to him.
“I still think we need to wait. There’s something we’re missing, something the Jedi Council has yet to tell me.” Anakin says, and you don’t have time for his Force nonsense. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in this galaxy, you’re over it now. You don’t understand it, and you don’t care to understand it anymore.
“Well, Master, please tell me when you’d like to execute this plan. You know where to find me.” You turn Obi-Wan’s light saber off and carefully put it under your tunic, making sure it’s hidden before you march out of the room, leaving Anakin inside. You know he won’t follow, because you’ve used one of his insecurities against him. You need to be alone, something you’ve been needing a lot more recently, and luckily you get it, thanks to your top secret new living quarters.
Obi-Wan’s old rooms.
You have no idea if and when they’ll come to take his things. You don’t know if the Jedi know you’ve been staying here. But you needed to be alone, and maybe you needed the comfort of Obi-Wan’s room, the first room you woke up in when you were transported to this galaxy.
Obi-Wan had been the one to rescue you. Without him, you probably would have been put in jail, believed to be a Separatist spy despite the fact that you had no idea what the hell that was. You understand his sacrifice, his selflessness more and more everyday, and it just makes you more guilty that you never told him about Palpatine, about how you two had been caught. You thought you were protecting him, but he deserved to know. He would have been able to help you, or at the very least he could have protected himself better.
As you lay in his bed, surrounded by his scent still after a month of him being gone, you almost cry. The Senate vote is in a few days, and you know Padmé is running wild with it. You know she’s been looking for you, but you also know that a couple days ago she realized you were staying in Obi-Wan’s rooms, so she’d know where to find you if she really needed to.
You have a lot to do. You need to continue training, and you need to prepare to fully step into your role as a Senator. But just for a couple minutes, you press your face into Obi-Wan’s pillow and pretend he isn’t gone, that he’s actually right beside you.
You pretend he’s sharing the bed, that you two had meant to this time and not accidentally fallen asleep. You pretend you can hear his gruff morning voice asking if you want any caf, and you even let yourself pretend to feel his hand on your waist. You pretend he’s not a Jedi in this fake world, and you pretend he kisses your neck gently.
You pretend he’s still alive, and you pretend you didn’t have feelings for him when he died.
You don’t get the chance to enact your plan of taking out Hardeen before he’s escaped the prison. The day the news breaks, Padmé is standing at the entrance of the training room you’ve been sparring with Anakin in. You stare at her, but she doesn’t budge, and you wonder if you’ve lost your touch with your death stare, or if Padmé is really good at standing her ground. You’re guessing the latter, but you don’t care. Rage is the only emotion you have room to feel, because all the other ones are too complex. You’ll deal with them later.
“He didn’t know they would be able to escape.” She says, arms crossed.
“Move.” You put your hand on Obi-Wan’s lightsaber, but she doesn’t flinch.
“He’s not here.” You turn to go to his rooms when Padmé grabs your arm, pulling you back. She knows you could have her on the ground in two seconds flat, but she’s your friend so you settle for twisting her arm away.
“Padmé,” You warn, but she shakes her head.
“Anakin is treading a fine line here. He’s caught between his feelings and the Jedi way. It’s difficult for him to sit back and wait, but there isn’t much he can do.” Padmé tries to explain, and you barely keep from spewing just how much Anakin must be walking that line of feelings and Jedi. You know it’s just coming from a place of hurt, and you don’t want to put your pain onto Padmé. She doesn’t deserve it just because you can’t handle your feelings like a grown up.
“I am not a Jedi. And I am not bound by any rules. If I want revenge, I can take it.” You tell her, and she sighs.
“This way of thinking is what leads to war. Hardeen is scum, of course, but killing him won’t bring Obi-Wan back. It won’t fix anything in your life.” You know she’s right; killing has never fixed anything in your life, but you can’t help the feeling that maybe if Hardeen was dead then you’d feel better, like you somehow avenged Obi-Wan.
“So if Anakin was murdered, you’d just let his killer run free?” You question, and Padmé’s eyes widen in understanding. You hadn’t meant to slip, truly, but it’s out now. There’s no taking back what you have inadvertently admitted. You feel the same way about Obi-Wan that she feels for Anakin.
“You can’t let your path of revenge take over your path of life.” She redirects, and you want to ask her what motivational book she took that from. Instead, you nod, lips pursed, as if you’re actually taking this in.
“You’re telling me Anankin isn’t looking into where Hardeen is going?” You ask Padmé with a raised eyebrow. All it takes is the smallest uptick in her forehead, telling you she’s surprised you knew that he’d still be looking, to know that you’re on the right track.
You feel bad for Padmé, truly. And if you were a better person, you’d comfort her and stay with her while Anakin found Hardeen; he’s a Jedi, he could probably handle a bounty hunter on his own. But old habits die hard, and your training is wired in your brain. You have to complete this mission, and then you can be free. You have to kill Hardeen, avenge one last person, before you take your role in the Senate and expose Palpatine. Without the leverage of your close relationship with Obi-Wan, there was nothing keeping you from betraying him. You’ll tell Padmé as soon as you get back about the blackmail, so she isn’t blindsided. But first, you need to find Anakin, and help him get to Hardeen.
First, you need to kill Rako Hardeen.
Obi-Wan hates this disguise.
He hates having a different facial structure, and he hates opening his mouth and sounding like a different person. He misses his beard, and he really misses his lightsaber. Master Windu had told him that they were unable to recover it from his body, which confuses him. When he had taken the vital suppressors to fake his death, he was rendered unconscious for a short period of time. He could really only hear like he was in the clouds, and he doesn’t know if he was dreaming or not. You were yelling, and then you were crying, and he knows that you and Anakin had both been occupied for a bit after his ‘death’ which could have been when his lightsaber was stolen. He’ll have to find it when he returns to Coruscant, because he is not keen on building another one.
He’s already exhausted of Cad Bane and Malo Eval’s antics, feeling like the teacher in a group of school children. He doesn’t trust them enough to sleep around them, and he always has anxiety about his disguise failing and them figuring out that he’s actually a Jedi. He thinks Cad Bane knows something is wrong, if only because Obi-Wan can hardly stand to look at his face after what he did to you.
But he needs to play his part of being Rako Hardeen, supposed Jedi killer.
Just thinking about having to explain this all to you, when you already don’t fully trust the Jedi Order, makes him slightly sick. He will have to admit to how he knowingly faked his death in front of you. He will have to admit to his disguise, as the man who ‘killed’ him. And he will have to admit that he did this all knowing it would hurt you. He can only hope you will understand the importance of this mission, how he was needed to save Palpatine and in turn keep the Republic from turning upside down.
And he can’t do this with Anakin on his trail. He wishes he had told his former padawan about his mission; he should have known how headstrong Anakin would be. Anakin is following him, and of course the young Jedi is too good at flying to let the bounty hunters get away. Their ships are crashed, and Obi-Wan knows he has to get out and subdue Anakin before Cad Bane and Malo Eval try to kill him.
Squinting through the kicked up dust, he sees the bright blue of Anakin’s lightsaber. He can see two shadows, but then another lightsaber lights up behind the Jedi, and his breath catches.
You’re there, standing with a murderous gaze, holding Obi-Wan’s lightsaber. For the first time since you got to Coruscant, he is fully aware of your history of being an assassin. He is fully aware that you could kill him, that you want to kill him.
“You got your Jedi, Hardeen. It’s my turn.” Cad Bane says, a sick look on his face as he pulls out a blaster. Obi-Wan feels his heart lurch, because you look a lot like a Jedi right now, but you are not one with the Force. If Cad Bane were to start shooting, you would not be able to block the shots.
So he does the only thing he can do and throws himself at you and Anakin, hoping you’re feeling merciful.
“You sure you don’t want Cad Bane? I know what he did to you.” Anakin looks over at you, but you're locked in on Rako Hardeen, on Obi-Wan. He wishes he went against the Council, that he told you anyway, and he almost gasps when you start to spin your lightsaber in a way that would fool even some Jedi into thinking you were one of them.
“I don’t care about that blue bastard.” You sneer, moving out from Anakin’s protection. Obi-Wan almost blows his cover and shoots Cad Bane down just so he can’t have the chance to kill you. “I want the so-called Jedi killer.” You don’t let Anakin say anything else, moving forward to go at Obi-Wan. He has no idea how to defend himself other than by dodging, lucky that your moves are angry and harsh instead of quick and light. He assumes you’re fighting against his lightsaber in your hand, that because of your low connection with the Force it’s harder for you to wield it. But he’s only defending himself, never throwing a punch or even reaching for his blaster. Which is how you end up on top of Obi-Wan, hands raised over your head. He can get out of this, and he knows that if he can’t convince you to drop your weapon he’ll have to knock you out. You’re shaking with rage, emotions higher than he’d ever seen, but he’d never even think to use a Jedi mind trick on you - not that it would work, anyway. But he wouldn’t betray your trust, even in this situation.
“You don’t want to do this.” He says, but his voice is foreign. He isn’t sure it will be enough, that you will understand what he’s trying to say. You’re looking into his eyes, but you’re not bringing the lightsaber down on him, and he knows you can see something in his eyes. You must know that he’s not Rako Hardeen, or that Obi-Wan at the very least isn’t dead.
“You killed my best friend.” You say, a tear falling down your face even as your emotions show rage, not sadness. Obi-Wan’s heart stops, and he knows he should have told you. He made a mistake, even though he was following the Council’s orders.
“Please,” He begs, unable to say anything else. You’re staring at him, like you’re not sure what to think, and he knows he can’t risk it, can’t risk you. He flips you over, grabs his lightsaber, and chokes you, feeling sick as he does it.
He doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t want to hurt you, doesn’t want to listen to your sounds of struggle, but he can’t let you die. He would never forgive himself.
“Don’t try to follow, Y/N. I’ll be back soon.” He whispers into your ear, hoping you understand that this is not Rako Hardeen, at the very least. He listens to you choke out one last breath before you go limp in his arms, and he allows himself only a second to hold you before setting you down gently. He quietly takes his lightsaber, then stands and looks to where Cad Bane and Anakin are fighting. Anakin looks over to see you passed out, and his eyes widen. Obi-Wan knows he wouldn’t leave you behind, he wouldn’t continue to fight while you're vulnerable. He watches Anakin use the Force to push back Cad Bane before running to you.
“I’ll find you, Hardeen.” Anakin threatens as he stands over you, lightsaber raised. Cad Bane looks a little worse for wear, and Obi-Wan knows they need to get out of there.
It still hurts to leave you unconscious on the ground, but he has to, for the mission, and for your safety. He’ll worry about mending his relationship with you when he gets back.
When you wake up, you don’t know what to feel. You’re upset and angry and confused at what Rako Hardeen told you, his cryptic words rippling in your mind. Anakin is piloting the ship, an angry look on his face. The ship you brought didn’t have any beds, so your neck is killing you from being slumped in the copilot seat.
“Something is going on here.” You tell Anakin, noticing you’re already almost back to Coruscant. How much did you miss?
“I need to speak with the Jedi Council immediately.” He tells you when he enters Coruscant, landing the ship. You stretch yourself out, nodding.
“I’m coming with you.” You reach for Obi-Wan’s lightsaber to hide it from them, and you realize you don’t have it anymore. Your eyes go wide as everything starts to click into place; why Hardeen had said what he did, why Anakin was conflicted with the Force, why you couldn’t kill Hardeen, even though you had the perfect opportunity. But looking into his eyes, you just couldn’t bring the lightsaber down. And now, the lightsaber is gone.
You’re out of your seat the second the ship has touched down, emotions welling up that you’re forcing down as best you can.
“Where are you going?” Anakin asks, but he knows you’re going to the Council. He just wants to know why. You don’t answer, continuing your march to the Jedi. They’re going to be suspicious of your clothing, of why a Senator knows so much, but you don’t care. You’re angry, and hurt, and you won’t blow Obi-Wan’s cover but you won’t let the Council get away with thinking they can lie to you.
“You!” You yell, seeing a familiar Jedi. It’s Master Windu, who you had seen briefly when you were taken by Cad Bane. He turns, brows furrowed, but you are a woman on a mission. “We need to speak. Privately.” You try to keep your seething anger out of your voice, but you know the Jedi can tell you’re far past angry.
“May I ask what this is about?” Master Windu questions, seemingly in no hurry at all.
“You may, but you will not like the answer being public knowledge.” You have his attention now, and Anakin follows you two into the room to talk.
“What is it, Senator?” The vote is tomorrow, but it seems everyone thinks you’ll win anyway. Even without Palpatine’s stupid deal, you would have won. But he blackmailed you, and you had to take it.
“I know that Obi-Wan is alive. I know that he’s undercover.” You drop, and Master Windu stares at you like he’s not at all surprised.
“You’re correct, Obi-Wan is alive and posing as Rako Hardeen in order to uncover sensitive information.” Is all he reveals, and you wonder if Obi-Wan took his lightsaber back for your own good, so you didn’t kill anyone with it, because your anger is getting the best of you right now and if you had a weapon on you it would be bad news.
“Why did you keep this from me?” Anakin steps up, and you remember he’s there. You want to ask why it was kept from you as well, but you know you’re not a Jedi, and you would have no right to know about it in the first place unless Obi-Wan told you. You wouldn’t be left in the dark unless he was specifically told not to tell you.
“You and the Senator were kept in the dark to sell the plan. Your reactions were vital for the beginning of Obi-Wan’s cover. It was Obi-Wan’s idea to keep you in the dark.” He says the last part to Anakin, but you wonder if it’s true of both of you. Why would he not want to tell you, unless he thought you couldn’t be trusted? Did he still not believe your trustworthiness even with over a year of friendship?
“Obi-Wan didn’t trust me?” Anakin speaks your thoughts once more, and you want to leave. You wish you had your own rooms, to be away from Obi-Wan completely and think for yourself. But you have nothing for yourself, even after all this time; no quarters, not even a room. You feel so claustrophobic about being here suddenly as Anakin and Master Windu speak, so you decide to leave.
You’ve only had a couple moments of panic during your time in this galaxy, but Obi-Wan has always been there. Now, stumbling through the hallways, you see all these robes that look like Obi-Wan’s but aren’t, these Jedi that remind you of him.
You thought he was dead. You truly believed he was gone for weeks. It made you sick; you barely ate as you trained to kill his assassin. To learn that he’s been alive this whole time, that you didn’t hold his dead body or bury him at all…
You can barely breathe as you stumble into Obi-Wan’s rooms, not sure if you should try to breathe or if you should just let it all out.
Obi-Wan, your best friend, thought you were untrustworthy. Just like everyone your whole life.
You fall to his bed, head in his pillow, and sob.
You win the Senate vote by a landslide, and you can’t help but wonder how much of that you did yourself and how much of that Palpatine did. You wonder if he even did anything, or if he threatened your running mate as well. It doesn’t matter anymore, because you’ve won but you’re nothing more than a puppet.
Padmé hugs you, smiling wider than you are, and you want to crack open and spill onto the floor right then and there. It’s too late for you to tell her, because now she’s going to wonder why you didn’t trust her enough in the first place. But you can’t get her pulled into this, can’t put her and Anakin in danger. And with Obi-Wan being alive still, your plan of popping the lid of Palpatine’s plans has been demolished once more.
“What a perfect way to celebrate by going to the Light Festival!” Padmé cried, and you remembered the promise you had made to all Padmé’s Naboo friends, before Obi-Wan lied to you about his death and your world turned upside down.
You get ready for it with Padmé, having traveled to her home with her and staying with her during the festival. You had been worried about people realizing that you didn’t have family here, that you didn’t know anyone, but you knew the group of friends you had been with while campaigning.
“Senators!” Corr is the first one to greet you, the whole group dressed fancily. You and Padmé were the most extravagant, being Senators, but all the people of Naboo were wearing their very best. If the other dresses you had worn made you feel like a princess, this one made you feel like a queen. It was white and glittering, with jewels strung from around your neck and beading through your hair that was expertly done by Padmé once again.
“Oh, we were so excited to hear the news!” Doma, one of the dark haired girls yells. Padmé had helped you brush up on who was who, but you were surprised you remembered their names when you were going through such a whirlwind of emotions.
“As was I.” You say with a smile, trying your best to be the new, happy Senator.
“Corr was right, you look amazing in Naboo regalia.” Maro smiles, and you roll your eyes with what you hope is fondness.
“Not better than Senator Amidala, I’m afraid.” You smile at her, and she smiles back at you, probably happy to see you feel any other emotion than anger.
“You must not see well, then.” She says kindly, but you know that Padmé looks like she belongs here. Her hair is done beautifully, her makeup perfect. It’s almost unfair, especially when compared to you. While you feel more like you fit into this galaxy, you know that Padmé was born for politics in a way you were not, no matter what galaxy you’re in. But your hair, your dress, your makeup; you fit into this galaxy better than you’ve ever felt you fit into society in your previous universe. It’s almost a weird feeling, something you don’t want to admit, and you can’t allow yourself to feel it now anyway.
Your group follows the Naboo people before you and Padmé split off, going to sit with the other Senators in attendance. Palpatine is here, and as he gives the begging remarks your heart stills.
“Palpatine is from Naboo?” You ask Padmé quietly as he talks. She nods, not taking her eyes off him. But you’re no longer listening to the Chancellor, because you’re realizing that he has you all figured out. He may not know that you’re not from this galaxy, but he knows you’re not from Naboo. And he didn’t even use that leverage when he was blackmailing you.
He wants you for more than just being on his side. You’ve made a deal with the devil, and you can’t tell anyone.
You feel sick, wanting fresh air even though you’re outside. You long for the days you were on the run from every government in the world, because at least then you had rest days. It was boring at times, but you can’t remember the last time you were able to sleep for as long as you wanted, or do something that wasn’t related to politics or training for an entire day. You suppose that’s what happens when a war is raging on in an entire galaxy, but you can’t help but be selfish and wish for just one day where you could sit with your friends and do nothing.
You feel the need to get up and move, but you have nowhere to go. You’re about to fake passing out just to get out of the situation when an explosion goes off, shaking you and Padmé out of your seats. You’re on the ground as people yell and run, trying to get your bearings.
“What’s going on?” Padmé asks, and you don’t respond, because you need to get more information as soon as possible. You see Palpatine on the ground, and you’re torn, because part of you wants to help him but part of you would like to see him gone, like to see your blackmail disappear.
“We need to get down there.” You tell Padmé, because you’re sure she’ll know what to do. She nods, and the two of you make your way down, ducking around people running out. There’s a lot of moving parts, and then you see Rako Hardeen, and your blood runs cold as you freeze in your tracks.
He’s looking around, and then his blue eyes meet yours.
His whole face has been changed, the structure and the hair and his voice, and yet his eyes are the same. His eyes are light and gorgeous and you have so many emotions that you turn and you run, not caring where the Chancellor ends up.
Padmé calls after you, but it’s no use. You’re not going back to where he is, and you refuse to see him like this. Not when he lied to you, and especially not while he’s wearing that face. It doesn’t matter that he’s still alive - you watched the man he now looks like murder him. Your head spins, and you’re breathing heavily with emotion by the time you make it to the ship landing. You think briefly about stealing Padmé’s ship, but instead you simply board it and lay down, hoping to get some rest in a place that is free of Obi-Wan, free of your feelings.
It doesn’t help, and you don’t sleep until Padmé comes back hours later and takes you to Coruscant.
I almost issued a formal apology in the beginning to you but I didn’t want you to be too scared <3 I promise there will be fluff in the next part JUST for you (and also @shaquille-osteal consider this my formal apology and my promise that I will make it up to everyone)
if you've seen clone wars, you know where this is going
Obi-Wan wishes there was another way.
He hadn’t exactly signed up for this mission, but he also hadn’t said no. And part of that was because he felt like he couldn’t say no to the Jedi Council, but part of it is because despite what he’s going to go through, what he’s going to put everyone through, he can’t betray the Republic by saying no. He became a Jedi to protect and serve, and he will do exactly that.
“Requested specifically by the Chancellor, you were.” Yoda tells Obi-Wan as he sits in the mission room, only himself, Yoda and Mace Widu. They will be the only Jedi informed on this mission, due to the confidential nature. But the fact that Palpatine knew, that he had requested Obi-Wan specifically?
“What do you mean?” Obi-Wan asks, trying to calm himself because even reaching out through the Force, he has no idea what Yoda and Windu’s feelings are about the Chancellor.
“The Chancellor knows about the plan for his kidnap. He asked that you be the Jedi on this mission.” Master Windu tells him, and he takes a moment to breathe before he changes the subject, because even talking about the fact that Palpatine played a part in this makes him want to shake in anger.
“Anakin should not know about this.” He tells them. He thinks about this plan, the way they’re going to attempt to stop the Separatists from kidnapping the Chancellor. And no one can even know about it.
“I agree.” Master Windu says with a nod, hand on his chin. He shares a look with Master Yoda, one Obi-Wan can’t quite decipher. What else could possibly be going on?
“Your Senator friend kept in the dark, we think is best.” Master Yoda says, and Obi-Wan pauses before he realizes they’re talking about you.
“What does Y/N have to do with this?” He asks, knowing that telling them you’re not a Senator yet will do nothing for his case. He will need to tell you about this, and he knows you’ll keep it a secret. “Was this your idea, or the Chancellor’s?”
“Close with her, you are.” Master Yoda says, nodding at the two other Jedi. Obi-Wan furrows his brows. Where, exactly, were they going with this? If they were going to accuse him, they would do it outright. He knows that he’s already overreacted to this, but he needs to know who exactly put this into place. He no longer trusts this mission.
But it washes over him like cool water - there is nothing he can do.
“Just like Anakin, her reaction will be needed to sell your cover.” Master Windu explains, and Obi-Wan doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t agree, but he also doesn’t disagree. He doesn’t want this mission to fail, to put everyone at risk, most of all the Chancellor. The fate of the Republic could fall on his shoulders, and all he has to do is not tell you about the plan.
Easier said than done.
“She is not a Jedi, she does not know how to take loss.” He wants to tell them that you’ve already had to take so much loss in your life, that it isn’t fair to add more loss that will only cause you pain. But explaining that will certainly give away any feelings he has for you, ones that aren’t love but are stronger than they should be. Too strong for a Jedi, especially one on the Council.
“Strong, she is.” Master Yoda says, and Obi-Wan knows he’s lost this battle. He cannot fight this one, and he must yield. “Be okay, she will. Not forever, this is.” The green Jedi informs him, and he nods. He’s right, this mission is not forever. A month, at most. The Festival of Light is when they would make their move if they were smart. And then he replays the words that have been said, and he realizes just what they mean.
“You said her reaction has to be authentic,” He starts, hoping against all odds that he’s wrong about this. “You don’t mean that she has to be there…” He trails off, because he can tell by their faces that they do mean exactly what he’s saying. You’re going to have to watch this happen. Even though you never asked for it, and you’re not even a Jedi, you will have to sacrifice something for the Jedi, for the Republic, and you won’t know it.
“We’re truly sorry, Obi-Wan, but this is what is required of you.” Master Windu says, and Obi-Wan wants to shake him, tell him to wake up and realize how different this is for him than it would be for anyone else.
“She’s not going to go easily. She’s not…” Obi-Wan doesn’t know how to explain to the other Jedi that you won’t let him go without a fight. “She’s been trained in many ways, she knows better than to let it go.” He explains, but he can tell the other Masters are not concerned.
“Take care of it, we will.” Master Yoda says, and Obi-Wan knows he’s lost. There’s nothing for him to fight anymore. The Chancellor has requested him for this, and now two of the most powerful Jedi are standing there, waiting for him to agree and prepare for the next month.
“Very well.” Obi-Wan nods, dropping his head and looking at the ground. He doesn’t want to do this mission, doesn’t want to lie to the people closest to him, but he will if it means that the Galactic Republic won’t fall. If it means you and all his friends will be safe. “Only the people in this room will be informed. And I’ll ensure that she is there.” He says, not able to look up, trying to process his mission. This is one of the hardest missions he will have to go on, and he’s worried about what he’ll have to go through.
What he’s going to put you through, now that he can’t tell you, now that you’ll have to witness it.
“I will reach out to our bounty hunter then, and give you the date to start.” Master Windu stands, and the meeting is over. Obi-Wan finally lifts his head, taking a deep breath, and hoping he can make this quick. He knows there’s no use in hoping it’s painless.
“Where are we going?” You’re on the back of Obi-Wan’s speeder, holding onto him. He had asked you to come with him and Anakin that night, and you had agreed, still slightly guilty about the fact that you were working with Palpatine. Anakin was next to you, and you looked around for anything that could be out of place.
“We’re just on a routine check.” Obi-Wan tells you, but you can feel something is off. He’s tense, and his knuckles are white against the handles. He’s keeping something from you, the same way you’re keeping something from him. So you don’t push him, trying your hardest not to press yourself to him while you hold him.
“Obi,” You start, not sure where you’re going, but then you realize you’re being shot at. Obi-Wan drifts to the side as he brakes, and you hold tight to avoid being thrown over the side. He grabs you off the speeder and pushes you behind him as he presses against the wall of the building, Anakin following suit.
“Did you see who it was?” Obi-Wan asks, looking over at Anakin.
“Bounty Hunter, I’d assume.” Anakin peaks over, and a shot almost takes his head off before he pulls himself back.
“I’ll follow him, you go right.” Obi-Wan tells Anakin, and you frown.
“What about me?” You ask, pulling your blaster out of the pants you had worn tonight. Obi-Wan seems worried for a second, and you almost tell him there’s no reason to, but he’s talking too quickly.
“We’re jumping to the top, so you can be ground support.” It sounds stupid, like a job you give a toddler to get them out of the way, but the Jedi are jumping to the top of the buildings and running after the bounty hunter, who’s shooting backwards. You sprint with them, making sure to get a good look at the guy. You see his light skin, his jutting cheekbones and face tattoo. You try to take aim, but you’re also keeping up with the Jedi and you miss your first uphill shot.
The bounty hunter hides behind something on the roof, and you pause, looking around to try and find Obi-Wan. As your eyes scan the top of the building, you see Obi-Wan move from his hiding place, you have no time to do anything. You feel like you’re in slow motion, your blaster coming up as you turn to find the bounty hunter. He has his gun already trained, though, and you shoot too quickly, hoping to get him quick enough that he won’t hit Obi-Wan. But you should have known better, you should have been practicing shooting instead of hand-to-hand combat, but you feel like you’ve never been under this much pressure. Your mind is blank as all the oxygen leaves your body at once, the reality of what is going to happen because of you absolutely crushing your lungs. You swear you can see the blast leave the bounty hunter’s gun, and you watch as it hits Obi-Wan right in the chest.
And then he falls off the roof, right in front of you.
“Obi!” You shriek, forgetting all about the bounty hunter. You step forward to him, dropping your blaster as your hands go to his bearded face. He landed roughly, but you’re not worried about broken limbs. His eyes are closed, and there’s a hole singed into his robes right over his heart. “Obi, open your eyes.” You beg, heart in your throat. You can’t think rationally to do any life saving things, because you just watched Obi-Wan Kenobi get shot and fall off the building and now he’s not breathing. He’s a Jedi, he doesn’t die from something small like this. You hear Anakin land beside you, and you watch him move your hand to take his pulse. You hold your breath as you wait for him to feel something. Anything.
“There’s no pulse.” Anakin whispers, unable to look away from his Master’s closed eyes. “Something’s not right.” He leans back, breathing heavily. You have no idea what Anakin is talking about, all you know is that you need Obi-Wan to open his eyes and hold you close. This is not right.
“Obi-Wan,” You know Anakin just checked his pulse, but you have to feel for yourself. You push your hand against his neck so hard it would bruise, but you don’t care. You have to find a pulse. “Obi, please,” You’re not sure if your voice is calm or if you’re even talking, because your vision is swimming as your fingers find nothing. Your eyes are blurry… with `tears? Are you crying?
No. You need to calm down, to think rationally. Obi-Wan is gone, he’s dead, but his killer is still alive. You feel ice go through your veins, and your heart slows as you see red.
The bounty hunter is a dead man walking.
You grab Obi-Wan’s lightsaber, clipping it to your own belt and standing.
“What are you doing?” Anakin asks, still kneeling on the ground.
“I’m going to kill that man.” You say, your cold tone almost makes Anakin shiver.
“He’s long gone by now. We need to get Obi-Wan back to the Temple, and then we can track him.” Anakin’s voice cracks as he speaks, and as much as you hate this, you know he’s right. You can’t go off half cocked when you haven’t even processed the loss of Obi-Wan; it’s exactly what you did with Bucky, and look where that got you. You suddenly feel that bubble of rage pop, letting those emotions you had worked so hard to push down crawl back up your best.
“Anakin,” You whisper, feeling the tears rise. Obi-Wan is lifeless behind him, and you can barely stand to see it.
“Y/N,” He repeats your tone, and you fall to the ground, straight into his arms, and start crying.
Later, you’ll use your comm link to tell the Jedi Council that General Obi-Wan Kenobi is dead. Later, you’ll have to attend his funeral, holding his lightsaber and pretending like this isn’t the worst loss you’ve ever felt in your life. Later, you’ll lie to the Jedi about his lightsaber, and Anakin will cover for you, something you never acknowledge but know is a big deal. Later, you’ll pretend you’re worried when Padmé voices her concerns about Anakin.
But for now, you sob against the dark robes of Anakin Skywalker over Obi-Wan, and everything you’ve never been able to tell him, never will be able to tell him now.
Your heart breaks irreparably.
“That’s good, but you have to be more precise. Without the Force, you’ll look like you’re just holding a sword.” Anakin has already shed his outer layers while the two of you spar with lightsabers, just as you’ve been doing everyday since Obi-Wan has been gone. You go to Senate meetings, but you don’t care to campaign. You know that with your deal with Palpatine you’ll win anyway, so who cares? You’d rather spend your time training.
“I don’t care what it looks like, as long as it goes straight through Rako Hardeen.” You expect Anakin to flinch at this - you will be going against Jedi code, killing an unarmed being, as Obi-Wan’s assassin had been captured and brought in. Anakin is helping you train, and he’ll help you plan, but because of the way you’re determined to get revenge for Obi-Wan, you’ll be on your own when you break into the Coruscant prison and kill the bounty hunter. “Besides, he won’t have a lightsaber to fight me with. All this training is great, but I’m ready to go now.” You’ve wanted to go after Hardeen since the day Obi-Wan was covered, which at first Anakin was on board with. Once the Jedi Council caught him before you and Anakin could and brought him back, unharmed, you had to switch plans. Anakin knows there’s something wrong with everything about this situation, but you won’t listen to him.
“I still think we need to wait. There’s something we’re missing, something the Jedi Council has yet to tell me.” Anakin says, and you don’t have time for his Force nonsense. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in this galaxy, you’re over it now. You don’t understand it, and you don’t care to understand it anymore.
“Well, Master, please tell me when you’d like to execute this plan. You know where to find me.” You turn Obi-Wan’s light saber off and carefully put it under your tunic, making sure it’s hidden before you march out of the room, leaving Anakin inside. You know he won’t follow, because you’ve used one of his insecurities against him. You need to be alone, something you’ve been needing a lot more recently, and luckily you get it, thanks to your top secret new living quarters.
Obi-Wan’s old rooms.
You have no idea if and when they’ll come to take his things. You don’t know if the Jedi know you’ve been staying here. But you needed to be alone, and maybe you needed the comfort of Obi-Wan’s room, the first room you woke up in when you were transported to this galaxy.
Obi-Wan had been the one to rescue you. Without him, you probably would have been put in jail, believed to be a Separatist spy despite the fact that you had no idea what the hell that was. You understand his sacrifice, his selflessness more and more everyday, and it just makes you more guilty that you never told him about Palpatine, about how you two had been caught. You thought you were protecting him, but he deserved to know. He would have been able to help you, or at the very least he could have protected himself better.
As you lay in his bed, surrounded by his scent still after a month of him being gone, you almost cry. The Senate vote is in a few days, and you know Padmé is running wild with it. You know she’s been looking for you, but you also know that a couple days ago she realized you were staying in Obi-Wan’s rooms, so she’d know where to find you if she really needed to.
You have a lot to do. You need to continue training, and you need to prepare to fully step into your role as a Senator. But just for a couple minutes, you press your face into Obi-Wan’s pillow and pretend he isn’t gone, that he’s actually right beside you.
You pretend he’s sharing the bed, that you two had meant to this time and not accidentally fallen asleep. You pretend you can hear his gruff morning voice asking if you want any caf, and you even let yourself pretend to feel his hand on your waist. You pretend he’s not a Jedi in this fake world, and you pretend he kisses your neck gently.
You pretend he’s still alive, and you pretend you didn’t have feelings for him when he died.
You don’t get the chance to enact your plan of taking out Hardeen before he’s escaped the prison. The day the news breaks, Padmé is standing at the entrance of the training room you’ve been sparring with Anakin in. You stare at her, but she doesn’t budge, and you wonder if you’ve lost your touch with your death stare, or if Padmé is really good at standing her ground. You’re guessing the latter, but you don’t care. Rage is the only emotion you have room to feel, because all the other ones are too complex. You’ll deal with them later.
“He didn’t know they would be able to escape.” She says, arms crossed.
“Move.” You put your hand on Obi-Wan’s lightsaber, but she doesn’t flinch.
“He’s not here.” You turn to go to his rooms when Padmé grabs your arm, pulling you back. She knows you could have her on the ground in two seconds flat, but she’s your friend so you settle for twisting her arm away.
“Padmé,” You warn, but she shakes her head.
“Anakin is treading a fine line here. He’s caught between his feelings and the Jedi way. It’s difficult for him to sit back and wait, but there isn’t much he can do.” Padmé tries to explain, and you barely keep from spewing just how much Anakin must be walking that line of feelings and Jedi. You know it’s just coming from a place of hurt, and you don’t want to put your pain onto Padmé. She doesn’t deserve it just because you can’t handle your feelings like a grown up.
“I am not a Jedi. And I am not bound by any rules. If I want revenge, I can take it.” You tell her, and she sighs.
“This way of thinking is what leads to war. Hardeen is scum, of course, but killing him won’t bring Obi-Wan back. It won’t fix anything in your life.” You know she’s right; killing has never fixed anything in your life, but you can’t help the feeling that maybe if Hardeen was dead then you’d feel better, like you somehow avenged Obi-Wan.
“So if Anakin was murdered, you’d just let his killer run free?” You question, and Padmé’s eyes widen in understanding. You hadn’t meant to slip, truly, but it’s out now. There’s no taking back what you have inadvertently admitted. You feel the same way about Obi-Wan that she feels for Anakin.
“You can’t let your path of revenge take over your path of life.” She redirects, and you want to ask her what motivational book she took that from. Instead, you nod, lips pursed, as if you’re actually taking this in.
“You’re telling me Anankin isn’t looking into where Hardeen is going?” You ask Padmé with a raised eyebrow. All it takes is the smallest uptick in her forehead, telling you she’s surprised you knew that he’d still be looking, to know that you’re on the right track.
You feel bad for Padmé, truly. And if you were a better person, you’d comfort her and stay with her while Anakin found Hardeen; he’s a Jedi, he could probably handle a bounty hunter on his own. But old habits die hard, and your training is wired in your brain. You have to complete this mission, and then you can be free. You have to kill Hardeen, avenge one last person, before you take your role in the Senate and expose Palpatine. Without the leverage of your close relationship with Obi-Wan, there was nothing keeping you from betraying him. You’ll tell Padmé as soon as you get back about the blackmail, so she isn’t blindsided. But first, you need to find Anakin, and help him get to Hardeen.
First, you need to kill Rako Hardeen.
Obi-Wan hates this disguise.
He hates having a different facial structure, and he hates opening his mouth and sounding like a different person. He misses his beard, and he really misses his lightsaber. Master Windu had told him that they were unable to recover it from his body, which confuses him. When he had taken the vital suppressors to fake his death, he was rendered unconscious for a short period of time. He could really only hear like he was in the clouds, and he doesn’t know if he was dreaming or not. You were yelling, and then you were crying, and he knows that you and Anakin had both been occupied for a bit after his ‘death’ which could have been when his lightsaber was stolen. He’ll have to find it when he returns to Coruscant, because he is not keen on building another one.
He’s already exhausted of Cad Bane and Malo Eval’s antics, feeling like the teacher in a group of school children. He doesn’t trust them enough to sleep around them, and he always has anxiety about his disguise failing and them figuring out that he’s actually a Jedi. He thinks Cad Bane knows something is wrong, if only because Obi-Wan can hardly stand to look at his face after what he did to you.
But he needs to play his part of being Rako Hardeen, supposed Jedi killer.
Just thinking about having to explain this all to you, when you already don’t fully trust the Jedi Order, makes him slightly sick. He will have to admit to how he knowingly faked his death in front of you. He will have to admit to his disguise, as the man who ‘killed’ him. And he will have to admit that he did this all knowing it would hurt you. He can only hope you will understand the importance of this mission, how he was needed to save Palpatine and in turn keep the Republic from turning upside down.
And he can’t do this with Anakin on his trail. He wishes he had told his former padawan about his mission; he should have known how headstrong Anakin would be. Anakin is following him, and of course the young Jedi is too good at flying to let the bounty hunters get away. Their ships are crashed, and Obi-Wan knows he has to get out and subdue Anakin before Cad Bane and Malo Eval try to kill him.
Squinting through the kicked up dust, he sees the bright blue of Anakin’s lightsaber. He can see two shadows, but then another lightsaber lights up behind the Jedi, and his breath catches.
You’re there, standing with a murderous gaze, holding Obi-Wan’s lightsaber. For the first time since you got to Coruscant, he is fully aware of your history of being an assassin. He is fully aware that you could kill him, that you want to kill him.
“You got your Jedi, Hardeen. It’s my turn.” Cad Bane says, a sick look on his face as he pulls out a blaster. Obi-Wan feels his heart lurch, because you look a lot like a Jedi right now, but you are not one with the Force. If Cad Bane were to start shooting, you would not be able to block the shots.
So he does the only thing he can do and throws himself at you and Anakin, hoping you’re feeling merciful.
“You sure you don’t want Cad Bane? I know what he did to you.” Anakin looks over at you, but you're locked in on Rako Hardeen, on Obi-Wan. He wishes he went against the Council, that he told you anyway, and he almost gasps when you start to spin your lightsaber in a way that would fool even some Jedi into thinking you were one of them.
“I don’t care about that blue bastard.” You sneer, moving out from Anakin’s protection. Obi-Wan almost blows his cover and shoots Cad Bane down just so he can’t have the chance to kill you. “I want the so-called Jedi killer.” You don’t let Anakin say anything else, moving forward to go at Obi-Wan. He has no idea how to defend himself other than by dodging, lucky that your moves are angry and harsh instead of quick and light. He assumes you’re fighting against his lightsaber in your hand, that because of your low connection with the Force it’s harder for you to wield it. But he’s only defending himself, never throwing a punch or even reaching for his blaster. Which is how you end up on top of Obi-Wan, hands raised over your head. He can get out of this, and he knows that if he can’t convince you to drop your weapon he’ll have to knock you out. You’re shaking with rage, emotions higher than he’d ever seen, but he’d never even think to use a Jedi mind trick on you - not that it would work, anyway. But he wouldn’t betray your trust, even in this situation.
“You don’t want to do this.” He says, but his voice is foreign. He isn’t sure it will be enough, that you will understand what he’s trying to say. You’re looking into his eyes, but you’re not bringing the lightsaber down on him, and he knows you can see something in his eyes. You must know that he’s not Rako Hardeen, or that Obi-Wan at the very least isn’t dead.
“You killed my best friend.” You say, a tear falling down your face even as your emotions show rage, not sadness. Obi-Wan’s heart stops, and he knows he should have told you. He made a mistake, even though he was following the Council’s orders.
“Please,” He begs, unable to say anything else. You’re staring at him, like you’re not sure what to think, and he knows he can’t risk it, can’t risk you. He flips you over, grabs his lightsaber, and chokes you, feeling sick as he does it.
He doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t want to hurt you, doesn’t want to listen to your sounds of struggle, but he can’t let you die. He would never forgive himself.
“Don’t try to follow, Y/N. I’ll be back soon.” He whispers into your ear, hoping you understand that this is not Rako Hardeen, at the very least. He listens to you choke out one last breath before you go limp in his arms, and he allows himself only a second to hold you before setting you down gently. He quietly takes his lightsaber, then stands and looks to where Cad Bane and Anakin are fighting. Anakin looks over to see you passed out, and his eyes widen. Obi-Wan knows he wouldn’t leave you behind, he wouldn’t continue to fight while you're vulnerable. He watches Anakin use the Force to push back Cad Bane before running to you.
“I’ll find you, Hardeen.” Anakin threatens as he stands over you, lightsaber raised. Cad Bane looks a little worse for wear, and Obi-Wan knows they need to get out of there.
It still hurts to leave you unconscious on the ground, but he has to, for the mission, and for your safety. He’ll worry about mending his relationship with you when he gets back.
When you wake up, you don’t know what to feel. You’re upset and angry and confused at what Rako Hardeen told you, his cryptic words rippling in your mind. Anakin is piloting the ship, an angry look on his face. The ship you brought didn’t have any beds, so your neck is killing you from being slumped in the copilot seat.
“Something is going on here.” You tell Anakin, noticing you’re already almost back to Coruscant. How much did you miss?
“I need to speak with the Jedi Council immediately.” He tells you when he enters Coruscant, landing the ship. You stretch yourself out, nodding.
“I’m coming with you.” You reach for Obi-Wan’s lightsaber to hide it from them, and you realize you don’t have it anymore. Your eyes go wide as everything starts to click into place; why Hardeen had said what he did, why Anakin was conflicted with the Force, why you couldn’t kill Hardeen, even though you had the perfect opportunity. But looking into his eyes, you just couldn’t bring the lightsaber down. And now, the lightsaber is gone.
You’re out of your seat the second the ship has touched down, emotions welling up that you’re forcing down as best you can.
“Where are you going?” Anakin asks, but he knows you’re going to the Council. He just wants to know why. You don’t answer, continuing your march to the Jedi. They’re going to be suspicious of your clothing, of why a Senator knows so much, but you don’t care. You’re angry, and hurt, and you won’t blow Obi-Wan’s cover but you won’t let the Council get away with thinking they can lie to you.
“You!” You yell, seeing a familiar Jedi. It’s Master Windu, who you had seen briefly when you were taken by Cad Bane. He turns, brows furrowed, but you are a woman on a mission. “We need to speak. Privately.” You try to keep your seething anger out of your voice, but you know the Jedi can tell you’re far past angry.
“May I ask what this is about?” Master Windu questions, seemingly in no hurry at all.
“You may, but you will not like the answer being public knowledge.” You have his attention now, and Anakin follows you two into the room to talk.
“What is it, Senator?” The vote is tomorrow, but it seems everyone thinks you’ll win anyway. Even without Palpatine’s stupid deal, you would have won. But he blackmailed you, and you had to take it.
“I know that Obi-Wan is alive. I know that he’s undercover.” You drop, and Master Windu stares at you like he’s not at all surprised.
“You’re correct, Obi-Wan is alive and posing as Rako Hardeen in order to uncover sensitive information.” Is all he reveals, and you wonder if Obi-Wan took his lightsaber back for your own good, so you didn’t kill anyone with it, because your anger is getting the best of you right now and if you had a weapon on you it would be bad news.
“Why did you keep this from me?” Anakin steps up, and you remember he’s there. You want to ask why it was kept from you as well, but you know you’re not a Jedi, and you would have no right to know about it in the first place unless Obi-Wan told you. You wouldn’t be left in the dark unless he was specifically told not to tell you.
“You and the Senator were kept in the dark to sell the plan. Your reactions were vital for the beginning of Obi-Wan’s cover. It was Obi-Wan’s idea to keep you in the dark.” He says the last part to Anakin, but you wonder if it’s true of both of you. Why would he not want to tell you, unless he thought you couldn’t be trusted? Did he still not believe your trustworthiness even with over a year of friendship?
“Obi-Wan didn’t trust me?” Anakin speaks your thoughts once more, and you want to leave. You wish you had your own rooms, to be away from Obi-Wan completely and think for yourself. But you have nothing for yourself, even after all this time; no quarters, not even a room. You feel so claustrophobic about being here suddenly as Anakin and Master Windu speak, so you decide to leave.
You’ve only had a couple moments of panic during your time in this galaxy, but Obi-Wan has always been there. Now, stumbling through the hallways, you see all these robes that look like Obi-Wan’s but aren’t, these Jedi that remind you of him.
You thought he was dead. You truly believed he was gone for weeks. It made you sick; you barely ate as you trained to kill his assassin. To learn that he’s been alive this whole time, that you didn’t hold his dead body or bury him at all…
You can barely breathe as you stumble into Obi-Wan’s rooms, not sure if you should try to breathe or if you should just let it all out.
Obi-Wan, your best friend, thought you were untrustworthy. Just like everyone your whole life.
You fall to his bed, head in his pillow, and sob.
You win the Senate vote by a landslide, and you can’t help but wonder how much of that you did yourself and how much of that Palpatine did. You wonder if he even did anything, or if he threatened your running mate as well. It doesn’t matter anymore, because you’ve won but you’re nothing more than a puppet.
Padmé hugs you, smiling wider than you are, and you want to crack open and spill onto the floor right then and there. It’s too late for you to tell her, because now she’s going to wonder why you didn’t trust her enough in the first place. But you can’t get her pulled into this, can’t put her and Anakin in danger. And with Obi-Wan being alive still, your plan of popping the lid of Palpatine’s plans has been demolished once more.
“What a perfect way to celebrate by going to the Light Festival!” Padmé cried, and you remembered the promise you had made to all Padmé’s Naboo friends, before Obi-Wan lied to you about his death and your world turned upside down.
You get ready for it with Padmé, having traveled to her home with her and staying with her during the festival. You had been worried about people realizing that you didn’t have family here, that you didn’t know anyone, but you knew the group of friends you had been with while campaigning.
“Senators!” Corr is the first one to greet you, the whole group dressed fancily. You and Padmé were the most extravagant, being Senators, but all the people of Naboo were wearing their very best. If the other dresses you had worn made you feel like a princess, this one made you feel like a queen. It was white and glittering, with jewels strung from around your neck and beading through your hair that was expertly done by Padmé once again.
“Oh, we were so excited to hear the news!” Doma, one of the dark haired girls yells. Padmé had helped you brush up on who was who, but you were surprised you remembered their names when you were going through such a whirlwind of emotions.
“As was I.” You say with a smile, trying your best to be the new, happy Senator.
“Corr was right, you look amazing in Naboo regalia.” Maro smiles, and you roll your eyes with what you hope is fondness.
“Not better than Senator Amidala, I’m afraid.” You smile at her, and she smiles back at you, probably happy to see you feel any other emotion than anger.
“You must not see well, then.” She says kindly, but you know that Padmé looks like she belongs here. Her hair is done beautifully, her makeup perfect. It’s almost unfair, especially when compared to you. While you feel more like you fit into this galaxy, you know that Padmé was born for politics in a way you were not, no matter what galaxy you’re in. But your hair, your dress, your makeup; you fit into this galaxy better than you’ve ever felt you fit into society in your previous universe. It’s almost a weird feeling, something you don’t want to admit, and you can’t allow yourself to feel it now anyway.
Your group follows the Naboo people before you and Padmé split off, going to sit with the other Senators in attendance. Palpatine is here, and as he gives the begging remarks your heart stills.
“Palpatine is from Naboo?” You ask Padmé quietly as he talks. She nods, not taking her eyes off him. But you’re no longer listening to the Chancellor, because you’re realizing that he has you all figured out. He may not know that you’re not from this galaxy, but he knows you’re not from Naboo. And he didn’t even use that leverage when he was blackmailing you.
He wants you for more than just being on his side. You’ve made a deal with the devil, and you can’t tell anyone.
You feel sick, wanting fresh air even though you’re outside. You long for the days you were on the run from every government in the world, because at least then you had rest days. It was boring at times, but you can’t remember the last time you were able to sleep for as long as you wanted, or do something that wasn’t related to politics or training for an entire day. You suppose that’s what happens when a war is raging on in an entire galaxy, but you can’t help but be selfish and wish for just one day where you could sit with your friends and do nothing.
You feel the need to get up and move, but you have nowhere to go. You’re about to fake passing out just to get out of the situation when an explosion goes off, shaking you and Padmé out of your seats. You’re on the ground as people yell and run, trying to get your bearings.
“What’s going on?” Padmé asks, and you don’t respond, because you need to get more information as soon as possible. You see Palpatine on the ground, and you’re torn, because part of you wants to help him but part of you would like to see him gone, like to see your blackmail disappear.
“We need to get down there.” You tell Padmé, because you’re sure she’ll know what to do. She nods, and the two of you make your way down, ducking around people running out. There’s a lot of moving parts, and then you see Rako Hardeen, and your blood runs cold as you freeze in your tracks.
He’s looking around, and then his blue eyes meet yours.
His whole face has been changed, the structure and the hair and his voice, and yet his eyes are the same. His eyes are light and gorgeous and you have so many emotions that you turn and you run, not caring where the Chancellor ends up.
Padmé calls after you, but it’s no use. You’re not going back to where he is, and you refuse to see him like this. Not when he lied to you, and especially not while he’s wearing that face. It doesn’t matter that he’s still alive - you watched the man he now looks like murder him. Your head spins, and you’re breathing heavily with emotion by the time you make it to the ship landing. You think briefly about stealing Padmé’s ship, but instead you simply board it and lay down, hoping to get some rest in a place that is free of Obi-Wan, free of your feelings.
It doesn’t help, and you don’t sleep until Padmé comes back hours later and takes you to Coruscant.
“Chancellor Palpatine has asked to see you.” Anakin tells you a week later, and you freeze. The Senator elections are coming up, and Padmé has been working with you extra hard after you told her you really do want to be a Senator and help change the galaxy, fix the war and the violence.
“Just me?” You ask, turning to him. The Chancellor has never asked for a meeting with you, and as far as you know this is out of the blue.
“Yes.” Anakin replies, causing you to shake your head.
“Did he say why?” You look at your dress, then touch your hair, and you feel inadequate. Your hair is curly, your dress a simple blue gown that still made you feel like a princess, but to meet the Chancellor alone you felt like maybe you should have worn something Padmé would wear.
“No. I’d assume it’s because of the upcoming Senate race.” Anakin says with a smile. You frown, taking a deep breath to ground yourself.
“I thought I didn’t have a stake in that.” You say, because Anakin is a realist and has been telling you since the beginning that you should be looking for another job.
“If the Chancellor wants to meet with you, then I’d say you may actually have a chance.” He shrugs, and you roll your eyes, not wanting to get your hopes up. As much as you’d love to serve in the Senate with Padmé, you know that the person running against you is more qualified. They’ve been training for this their whole lives, whereas you’ve only been in this galaxy for a year.
“I wouldn’t hold my breath.” You say, deciding your current attire would have to do. You’d rather not keep the Chancellor waiting in favor of changing your dress and hair. You check your makeup in your reflection, making sure you at least look presentable. At least your hair has one of Padmé’s half-moon silver headpieces in it.
“Don’t worry,” Anakin opens the door for you, smile on his face. “I haven’t been holding it so far. I wouldn’t start now.” He teases, and you almost smack him. Instead, you roll your eyes, walking quickly down the hall.
“You don’t have any training to attend?” You ask, cocking your head to the side. “You seemed a bit rusty a couple weeks ago.”
“I beat you.” He doesn’t even let you finish his sentence before he’s speaking. You smile, knowing he’s quick to be set off.
“Did you?” You ask, frowning. “Because I seem to remember knocking you down easily.”
“Easily!” He scoffs, almost stopping walking. “I put up a fight, without using the Force, by the way.” He tells you as you continue walking, and you sigh.
“As much as you say that, we all know you’re lying.” You’ve made it to the Chancellor’s office, and Anakin has no time to argue before the door is being opened.
“Y/N! Come in!” The Chancellor does not invite Anakin over, and you send a smile over your shoulder at his pissed off face.
“Chancellor Palpatine, to what do I owe the pleasure?” You ask, not sure how you feel about him yet. He seems fair in meetings, but he gives you a horrible feeling. You can’t describe it, so you would never tell anyone for fear of getting it wrong, but you can’t shake it.
“I have a proposition.” He gets right into it, calm as he walks to his desk. You stay standing, if only because you’re not sure how to sit in this dress, but you try to be respectful to him. “I like you and your views. I would be honored to have you serve with me in the Senate.” You smile, thankful for the praise you’re receiving. While it would be a monumental occasion, your gut feeling has been wrong before.
“Thank you, Chancellor. I would be honored to serve with you in the Senate, and I can only hope my people feel the same way.” You nod, watching Palpatine smile without teeth.
“Yes, well, I would like to offer you a position in the Senate. An in, straight to Senator. No race required.” You try not to let your smile drop too much, but you know this is a bad idea. “All you have to do is help me out, push some bills I’m partial to, bring up conflicts I need to discuss.” You can’t do this, not in good faith. You can’t start a good thing on the basis of a lie, or a bribe.
“That is a generous offer, Chancellor. I am very grateful for it. But I will have to decline. I’d like to win of my own merit.” You explain, hoping this is enough. You’ve probably ruined your chances, and now the other candidate will take the bribe, but you could never look your friends in the eye if you took the bribe. After years of being used for others gain, you can’t do it again.
“It is very generous.” Palpatine nods, and you feel your heart sink, knowing this can’t be going in a good direction. “Which is why you will accept it. And if you decide you still don’t want to take advantage of my charitable act, then I think the Jedi Council would like to be informed of a certain developing relationship you have with one Jedi.” Your heart drops, all the way down to your stomach, but you don’t let it show.
“Excuse me?” You question, because you’re not letting any information slip. How much could the Chancellor really know about a relationship that isn’t even real?
“Oh yes, you and I both know about their aversions to attachment. And I think they would be quicker to get rid of you than to get rid of War General and Jedi Council Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, don’t you agree?” Palpatine asks, and you take a moment to pretend like your whole world hasn’t imploded. If the Chancellor of the Republic Senate has noticed you and Obi-Wan, who knows who else has. Maybe the Jedi already know, and are just waiting for you to lose the race and fade back into oblivion before they kill you. Cad Bane’s failed kidnapping had only boosted Padmé’s attempts at pushing your campaign, and you’re fairly well known in the governmental world now.
“You have no proof.” You say, because you have nothing else to defend yourself with. Palplatine will not take no for an answer.
“No?” He asks, pressing a button on his desk. A hologram pops up, and you almost throw up because you instantly recognize what this is.
You and Obi-Wan in the courtyard, his body around yours, him teaching you how to wield his lightsaber.
“I think you may know this, but in case you did not, the Jedi value their lightsabers like their life.” He tells you gravely, and you almost throw up all over his desk. “And General Kenobi letting you hold his life in your hand, well, that seems like a big deal to me.” He’s condescending and you want to scream. You had promised yourself you wouldn’t be treated like this again after you left the Red Room, promised that you would stand up to men who tried to use their power against you. You had promised yourself you wouldn’t be powerless again.
But it’s not just you that you’re making this decision for. Obi-Wan can be punished for your actions. And you don’t want to give Palpatine the satisfaction of winning, you don’t want to bow to him the way you have been bent to the whim of practically every man throughout most of your life, but you won’t do this to Obi-Wan. You’re the one who asked him to teach you how to wield a lightsaber, and he’s the one who would suffer.
You will have to pay for your mistakes, but Obi-Wan will not. You won’t let him.
“Okay.” You say quietly, not able to bring yourself to look the Chancellor in the eye, You feel just like you did all those years ago, the moment you broke free of mind control and realized every single thing you had done on missions, in every moment of your life before you were able to break free of their brain washing. Emotion rises in your throat, but you swallow it. This is your new mission, and you must bear the faults of your mistakes.
You take a deep breath before you finally look up at Palpatine, not letting him steal every piece of you. You don’t ask what you have to do, you don’t ask why he chose you and not anyone else, and you certainly don’t ask how he knows you and Obi-Wan have a connection when Anakin also taught you how to use his lightsaber.
“Perfect.” The Chancellor smiles and you almost shiver. This smile is not friendly, and you wouldn’t even call it a smile if it weren’t for the way his teeth are showing. “Welcome to the Senate of the Republic, Y/N. I will be in contact with you soon.”
You can’t leave his office fast enough, going to the nearest bathroom to throw up your last meal as the thought of what you’ve done sits heavy in your stomach.
Out of one cage and into the next.
You can’t tell anyone about your meeting with Palpatine, no matter how much Anakin asks the second you had walked out of the room. You had tried to remain neutral, told him it was a private matter that you weren’t comfortable discussing with him, but it was clear how much he wanted to know. He was close with the Chancellor, so if he was supposed to be in on this plan, you knew he would find out on his own.
You certainly didn’t tell Obi-Wan when you bumped into him a couple days later, and he asked if you had been avoiding him. You denied this, but if you were honest with yourself you knew you were avoiding him. Completely. You would wake up early so he couldn’t come to your door, and you would purposefully fill your day with things he wouldn’t know about or couldn’t join, such as meetings Padmé had orchestrated and trainings that you had to take a transport to another building for. You just couldn’t bear to tell him that he was part of the reason why you were under another man’s thumb once more, why you were now a pawn in this war.
Padmé was the one person who could never, ever know, however. Anakin would be upset, sure, and Obi-Wan would feel guilty for the rest of time, but you’re unsure if Padmé could ever understand, if she thought she would be able to get out of this situation better if it were her and Anakin on the line. You assumed that maybe she would be able to; after all, she was built for this life, trained since birth, and you had been here for a little over a year. But you wanted to impress her, your only female friend so far in this galaxy, and you never wanted to be seen as weak. You still weren’t sure if Padmé would see you as weak for taking Palpatine’s deal.
No, you would never give your friend any inclination as to how you won this race. Which means you needed to attend dinners that she was throwing in your honor, for you to get to know some visiting people of Naboo or even other Senators. You guessed this would be great for when you eventually were in office, if Palpatine didn’t make you screw it up too hard.
“What’s your favorite native Naboo flower, Y/N?” You’re brought back from your thoughts by one of the dinner guests asking you a question, causing you to suppress a jolt of surprise. You turn and smile over at her, having barely ate your food. Your thoughts are too heavy, your mind too busy elsewhere to even think about eating.
“Oh, I love the Millaflower.” You reply, having practiced this reply with Padmé. She had made you rehearse every single question you could be asked about Naboo tonight, as if you hadn’t read multiple books from the Archives on Naboo and it’s history. While you and Padmé got ready and quizzed all your knowledge of Naboo, she had sent Obi-Wan and Anakin to prepare the party. They had come back and promptly been kicked out by Padmé, who told them that the only people allowed were those from Naboo. Anakin had tried to argue that you weren’t even from Naboo, but Padmé pointed out that this is exactly why he wasn’t allowed, and shut the door in his face.
“Me too!” The beautiful brunette practically yelled, and your eyes widened slightly at her volume. “Aren’t they just so gorgeous in summer! Oh, Padmé, where have you been keeping her? Tell me you’re coming home for the Festival of Light in a couple months.” You’re a bit overwhelmed by this, but you try not to look at Padmé, hoping not to blow your cover.
“I couldn’t miss it.” You say with a smile, and the girl squeals, another smiling next to her.
“I’d love to see you again, in traditional Naboo regalia.” The man right across from you smiles softly, and you can only blink. You’ve barely said anything at this dinner, and yet you’re popular with these people. You look at Padmé, who seems to be happy with this development. Corr, the man across from you, has blue eyes and dark, wavy hair, and you have to admit you’re intrigued by his looks. He’s been throwing you glances all dinner, and you’d be stupid to have missed them.
“That would be fun, Corr.” You chose your words carefully, knowing anything you say can give you away. “I’ve never been able to attend the Festival with friends.” You say as you take a sip of your drink. Technically not a lie; you’d never been able to attend the Festival at all, since last year you had been new to the galaxy, and you hadn’t even been able to deal with one new planet, let alone two. But you knew the Festival of Light was the holiday that was celebrated when Naboo joined the Republic over eight hundred years ago.
“We should make plans to all attend together!” The woman with short, curly hair to Corr’s left says, and you keep your smile painted on as best you can. “Once you’re in the Senate, Y/N, I’m sure you and Padmé will attend together anyway.” The way she says it, once you’re in the Senate, has you choking on the one piece of food you’ve been able to put to your mouth tonight. Padmé puts a hand on your shoulder, and you cough until you’ve cleared your throat, your mind on your deal with Palpatine. There’s no way for them to know, but your heart beats faster at the thought that it could come out.
“Excuse me,” You take a sip of your drink, then smile politely at everyone, hoping your cover isn’t blown. “The Senate vote hasn’t even taken place yet. I don’t want to get ahead of myself.” You say, and half the group laughs.
“I think I like you more than Kenth Pavan.” Corr tells you, mentioning your opponent.
“Kenth hasn’t invited me to one dinner.” The first woman that had arrived, Sulea, says, and the man next to her rolls his eyes.
“He invited me to one, but it was dreadfully boring.” He says, taking a large gulp of his drink.
“I’m not going to the Festival of Light with him, I’ll tell you that.” The woman with dark hair mentions it, and the group begins to laugh again.
“And I won’t be telling my friends to vote for him.” The curly haired woman says, and you smile your first true smile of the night at that.
Maybe you would win this without Palpatine’s help. Not that it mattered, as you would still do his bidding for fear of Obi-Wan being outed, but it feels nice to think that you at least did some part on merit.
“To Y/N,” Padmé lifts her drink, and you feel your cheeks heat when you look at her. Nothing could be possible without her help, and you almost feel bad for not telling her about Palpatine. But you can’t let her see this weakness, so you smile with the others and raise your drink, hoping and praying that Palpatine proves your gut feeling wrong.
“Thank you for the dinner.” You say to Padmé as you help her clean up, despite the fact that some droids and Padmé’s servants are cleaning as well.
“What are friends for?” Padmé asks with a smile, and your chest feels a little funny, the thought that Padmé is one of your best friends now, that she would go to these lengths to help you. Your friends on Earth were great, but it was a different relationship. You never had the time or circumstance to see if they would do this kind of thing for you.
You put your head down, stacking the plates together. It’s silent for a few moments, and you think about possibly going to apologize to Obi-Wan tonight before bed, since you’ve been avoiding him.
“I hate to ask for favors, but Ani and I need your help again.” Padmé says softly, and the way she says Ani makes your heart melt. She loves him, it’s clear, and you’re only a little jealous of their love.
“Of course.” You say with a nod, waiting to hand the plates to a droid before going to the couch near the open balcony. You wonder if it rains on Coruscant; you’ve never seen it rain in all the time you’ve been here, which is strange. Everything about this galaxy is strange.
“Ani has planned something next week - I don’t know what it is.” Padmé tells you quietly, and you nod. “Obi-Wan has been with Anakin more often, he says that you’ve been avoiding him?” She’s not accusing you, but you feel guilty anyway.
“Not on purpose.” You make sure it’s not rushed, that you say it evenly so it’s not seen immediately as a lie.
“Of course.” You’re sure Padmé buys it, which makes you feel even worse. “But you wouldn’t mind helping?” She’s giving a nervous smile, as if you’d say no after everything she’s done for you.
“Not at all.” You tell her, shaking your head. “Just let me know when.” You offer, and she smiles so widely, you’re unsure if this is just about her date with Anakin.
“A week from today. It’s the same day the Mon Calamari are coming to perform a ballet at the Senate auditorium.” You pull your eyebrows together, suspicious of how Padmé seems to have this all planned out.
“Right,” You’re not sure what exactly to say, not wanting to call her out but also not wanting to create any frays in your friendship. She’s been such a good friend to you, and you’re sure that if she does have something besides just wanting to go out with Anakin, you trust it’s for a good reason. You’re friends, and that’s what friends do. “How exactly do you think I”ll get Obi-Wan to a ballet?” You don’t see him wanting to go to something like that, and you don’t feel like begging.
“I think if you ask nicely, he’ll agree.” She smiles, and you shake your head.
“I don’t really think that’s a great plan.” You frown, but Padmé is not deterred.
“I do.” She shrugs, and you look out into the starry night. There’s something going on, but if you’re hiding something you can’t force Padmé to be truthful when she clearly doesn’t want to be. “Obi-Wan and you are very… close. I think if you wanted, he would do a great number of things for you.”
“I don’t know about that.” You say, unable to look at her. You know you and Obi-Wan have some sort of bond, or connection, but you’re already having this be used against you. You can’t use it against Obi-Wan.
“Y/N,” Padmé steps closer, and you look at your hands to not have to look at her. “If you don’t want to do this, I won’t force you. You’re my friend. But I think Obi-Wan will be more willing than you realize.” You know she’s being truthful, and you know she needs your help. So you nod, closing your eyes briefly to steady yourself. It’s just one night.
“Awfully convenient your date just happens to be the day the ballet is here.” You say with a smile, and Padmé blushes slightly, looking out into the night. So you were right - she had planned something.
“What can I say? Anakin thinks of everything.” And maybe she’s right. Maybe it was Anakin thinking about everything. You don’t question anything more, deciding to bid goodnight and head to Anakin’s rooms.
“The ballet?” Obi-Wan has a brow raised, book folded in his lap. You had gone over to catch up with him that morning, then the two of you had lunch and decided to read a bit in the company of each other, since it had been so long since you had seen him. He didn’t ask about it, and you didn’t tell him, and you wondered if you would ever tell him.
“Yes. Ballet was a thing in my universe too, and I would like to see how it was done.” It’s only a half lie; you know that it’s a different species doing this, and you know it’s bound to be different that the human ballet on Earth.
“Of course. What time?” Obi-Wan asks, and you’re a little shocked by how fast he agrees.
“You’re sure you don’t have anything better to do?” You ask, and he gives a small twitch of his lips, barely perceivable beneath his beard.
“This will make you feel at home, will it not?” He moves closer, and you practically freeze.
“Yes?” It comes out as a question, mostly because of how confused you are right now.
“Then I do not have anything better to do.” You are speechless at his words. You blink at him, and his face starts to look confused.
“Obi,”
“What’s wrong?” He asks quickly and sincerely, moving a hand to your shoulder. You look away, not wanting to be emotional.
“Nothing.” You answer, but you can tell he doesn’t believe you. “I have to get ready. I’ll see you tonight." And then you leave, you can’t seem to calm your racing heart.
In fact, it doesn’t calm the entire time you’re getting ready, when you’re putting on the pastel dress you had worn on your first real day in the galaxy, or when your putting the final touches on your makeup. You’re more nervous than you’ve been in a long time, and you have a hard time dwelling on why exactly that is. You’d rather not think about it, so you go to Obi-Wan’s door and see that he’s also cleaned up, still in his robes but his hair done and his beard cleaned up. He takes in your outfit, looking almost shocked.
“Is it too much for a ballet?” You still aren’t sure you fully get the fashion trends here, but you had thought this would be a good option. Obi-Wan blinks before he looks to your eyes.
“No! No, it looks great. Good. I’m just shocked at how well you’re able to,” He trails off, and you pull your lips in. “I’m happy you do so well here.” He lands on, and you smile.
“Me too.” You respond, watching him hold his arm out. You take it, and together you walk to the ballet, which is being held in the Senate. You and Obi-Wan take your time, not needing to talk but feeling comfortable in the silence.
The two of you make it to the ballet, sitting in the small area alone. You watch as the Mon Calamari take their places, and while it’s much different than the ballets on Earth, you enjoy it all the same. The music and the show make your heart happy, and you can’t help but smile. After a moment, you feel eyes on you, and you look over to see Obi-Wan staring with a small smile. He’s not watching the ballet, or anything in front of him, but instead only looking at you. You can feel your heart begin to race, and your cheeks flush. But you can’t think about it, so you turn back to the ballet and act like you didn’t just catch Obi-Wan staring at you while the entertainment was right in front of him.
