My life now is so much different than it was just a short while. I never really gave too many posts about anything for a real good chunk of time. I got out of that relationship with that POS that guilted me into dating him at all. It ended with me getting a restraining order finalized on him. If I could just make him understand how much I never loved him, I so would.
I have been in a relationship and living with my current boyfriend for quite awhile now. If the bro that I won’t even call my ex, because I tried to get away from and end things with for almost the entire time, and only started dating him cuz I felt pressure could understand how my current relationship is, he’d fully be able to comprehend how much I did not want to be with him, I never loved him, and I didn’t act like myself when I love someone
With shit Head, he was not allowed to sleep in my bed with me, and say for some reason he did, I would not let him touch me at all, and if he did he would get booted. He slept in the other room cuz I didn’t wanna see him or be near him. Currently, I cannot sleep without my boyfriend. I even have a hard time taking naps without him and I’m on seroquel and lithium so I feel like that’s saying something if I still can’t sleep if he’s not there. Even if I wake up in a pool of sweat from cuddling, I don’t mind at all and the sweat is no big thing, and I don’t move away from him.
With the last dude, he wasn’t allowed to kiss me without asking and i would only say yes maybe once a week. Additionally, if he wanted to hug me, he had to ask, and I told him if I pat his back to immediately let go, cuz I didn’t even wanna give him the dignity of me speaking to him. Currently, if my boyfriend kisses me when I don’t expect it, I can’t stop smiling for awhile after. I have never once even tried to cut a hug short.
Last dude’s smell made me anxious and angry. If anything around me smelled like him I would wash it, even while we were living together. To be fair, he would wear the same underwear for months in end, and would only shower every two weeks, and thought an ungodly layer of cologne would count as hygiene, so even if there wasn’t an association to that smell with SA and physical abuse and what not, anyone would be upset by the smell. But currently, my boyfriends smell is one of the most comforting things in my world. Even when he hasn’t put on deodorant yet in the morning and we were both super sweaty, I still think he smells really good.
Before, I would essentially never allow other dude cuddle with me. I would not allow it. I did not want him near me. If we were watching a movie, he had to sit on a different seat. If he was sitting by me and for some reason I gave in to cuddling with him, I could tolerate for like three minutes max. Currently, my boyfriend and I are always laying on each other if we’re in the same room. There’s almost never a time where if we’re chilling where at least his legs are over mine or visa versa, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Homie before, I avoided posting any pictures of us or him or tell people about him, because I was so embarrassed by him. If I was going to hangout with a friend I would never let them come over to our apartment cuz he was there, and I wanted a break from him, and didn’t want my friends to see him/talk to them. I also would never ever allow him to hold my hand, hug me, or kiss me if we were in public, even if no one was around. My boyfriend however, I am so happy when he posts pictures of us and he tags me so you can see it on my profile. Holding my boyfriends hand in public makes me feel so special, cuz people can see someone as beautiful and wonderful and kind and amazing as him sees worth in me. I generally love PDA (nothing rude tho), so being absolutely 100% not okay with it with the POS should’ve been a dead five away.
Previously, I would go as I could without having sex with the guy. If I could stretch it to three weeks or a whole month I would. Not that it mattered to him if I said no, but I would hold off and dance around the subject as much as I could. I never once initiated anything, genuinely not one time. With my current boyfriend, (this may be tmi , but it’s my tumblr so cry me a river) I can’t get enough of him. I always tell him I love him during as well.
My cats are definitely huge signs that things are different. My cats HATED gross bro. HATED. They would run away if he came near them, they were always trying to cower in my lap, they would always get angry if he pet them, they would hide a lot, all of the things. My boyfriend, the cats are obsessed with him. They get antsy and start misbehaving if he is gone too long. If it’s around the time he gets off work, my cat poppy will sit by the door and meow. When he gets home, she follows him and jumps on the bed to give him head butts.
And finally, time. I hated spending time with previous dude. I always tried to limit my interactions with him as much as possible even when we were living alone together. I stayed in my room, by myself as much as I could. I even had designated ‘leave me alone’ times throughout the day. My boyfriend, on the other hand, were not around each other to the amount that it’s toxic (we live together so that’s an excuse to always spend my time near him tho) I want him around as much as possible. I wanna do everything with him. I want him to keep me company for everything, I want him to come with me to everywhere I go. I would have never dared let guy from before come to a concert or a rave with me, cuz those are my happy places, and I didn’t want him to ruin some of my only chances to smile. My boyfriend now, gets dragged to all of the raves with me. Anywhere I go will always be better if he’s there too.
Life is pretty good right now. I wish the guy before could understand I was not there because I wanted to be. He has no upper hand on me. None whatsoever. He was not a loss to me in the slightest. Getting away from him was not a loss. If he could see how my current relationship is, he would be able to grasp that his absence has been nothing but healing for me, and i never once cried from missing him (probably because there was no missing happening)
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