malice @xpyu - Tumblr Blog

THERE IS A FOX TRAPPED IN YOUR RIBCAGE GNAWING SLOWLY ON YOUR FLESH BUT YOU WILL NOT LET IT OUT BECAUSE WHAT WOULD MOTHER THINK WHAT WOULD MOTHER THINK

normal-horoscopes

SEW YOURSELF UP WITH THE GOOD PARTS OF WHAT YOU REMEMBER WITH EVERY STITCH BECOMING MORE A FOX AS WELL

normal-horoscopes

AND NOW YOU ARE ALONE

#their tails brushing over your eyelids #the fur that they shed is gonna lay on your bed #in a delicate orange-ish cinnamon red

two years no social media, the yearly update

in this part of the saga we finally get to crack the world's most puzzling mystery: Was It Because I Was Always On That Damn Phone?

TL,DR: yes

long answer: no, not really?

i did, like, all the things you do when you're breaking a bad habit - put timers on my apps, logged out everywhere, installed all those finch and forest and pomodoro apps and whatnot, started reading self help ebooks instead of scrolling, journaled, but did it make me actually start focusing on my school/work like i initially wanted?

no, not in any meaningful way. when i set a limit of 2 hours phone time per day, i'd just fill those two hours with being on discord and chatting with friends or writing shitty prose in my notes app. to be fair, that is a much better way to spend time than getting ragebaited by algorithm slop, but that thesis is still nowhere near getting written. LOL.

but for the more positive effects i've noticed over the past year or two:

my self-esteem has never been better. whatever was left of my eating disorder is pretty much gone now. the other day i saw myself in the mirror when trying on clothes at the store, unflattering light and all, and didn't cry or have a bad thought not even once. i saw some pics of myself from when we went partying at work last week, and didn't even once think "wow i look fat/ugly/bad/whatever". not looking at instagram/tiktok or anything got rid of the body dysmorphia i was feeling over photoshopped/filtered pictures. i'm literally just a normal human female i'm allowed to be a little ugly be a little loud and not look good 24/7. i can be mid. i don't have to be the most fuckable person at the grocery store i just need to buy milk. i can just go to the gym and lift weights for fun and not to be a muscle mommy or a pilates princess or some other microtrend

no longer experiencing anxiety over my thoughts being wrong, no longer feeling guilt because i like x but not y which is the more morally correct thing to do (according to tumblr). i dont have to worry about going to hell forever for not reblogging someones donation post or scrolling past gofundmes. i dont care that its morally wrong to use chatgpt i'm on that shit daily. inshallah you won't ragebait me. learning the importance of being kind to people irl despite finding them deeply insufferably cringe. and learning that i'm allowed to find someone annoying/dislike them as a person while also thinking they deserve basic rights. i have much better emotional regulation now

idk to which extent this is due to getting off of social media but i'm feeling much much happier and more content in my relationships. no longer obsessed with yearning/unrequited love/obsessive thoughs. processing my wants and kinks in a normal, healthy way instead of making cringe posts and consuming fanfic. i made the leap last year and opened up my relationship, now i'm poly with two beautiful boyfriends who i love very much forever. i dont think thats because i quit social media, exactly, but stepping away from constant online discourse definitely made it easier to make decisions based on what actually works for me instead of what’s theoretically correct

realizing that nothing in life is obligatory. i can just make adjustments and accomodations for myself. i can go to school/work in more comfortable clothes when i'm low on energy. i'm allowed to ask for help/for adjustments to my food/for a little extra time on assignments. i'm allowed to say no to events. i can have sex how i want to and not how porn or the internet wants me to

this is kind of a lame side effect, but i'm way more creative/capable of actually writing long form stuff now. i'm making ocs and writing stuff for the first time in years without worrying about accidentally committing the crime of art theft or (gasp) stealing someone's else concept. fuck it LOL i'm straight up stealing shit for my own little headworld and no 2014 tumblr thought police can arrest me for it

i can't really distinguish anymore to which extent all of this is due to the detox or if it's just the human brain developing/the journaling/the regular exercise and better diet/the side effects of socializing like a normal person but it IS better and thats what matters.

but for more boring life updates. i finally got a place to rent no roommates nothing. its kind of scuffed but its mine and i get to decorate it how i want. i get to have a dining table!!!! i get to be in the kitchen. i can have a couch and a tv and i can watch what i want. insane. it's soon gonna be 10 years since i had to start fending for myself and i finally feel like i Made it. i finally made it.

i like my job and my coworkers like me. software development sometimes sucks massive ass and i get paid literal pennies but it's making me much much happier than any sort of linguistics shit could ever. genuinely considering dropping out of school. but with how much i think dropping out (at the very last second nonetheless) is a moral failing and a personal weakness i guess i'll just have to stick with it and write that thesis.

so see you guys next year, either with a Hey Guys I Dropped Out or a masters degree. both are survivable

in the mean time here's some quotes and or posts that have been genuinely life changing

normal people in real life: hey man how's it going

"it’s so nutty watching urself develop like catching urself react differently than u previously would’ve and be like woah.. cunts maturing? go on then"

"Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur." (margaret atwood)

a year without posting dumb shit online

like a year ago i stopped liveblogging every thought straight from my brain onto this blog. i wanted to see what would happen in the long term. so here's an update one year later

pros:

attention span improved significantly. that + not watching short videos has been so good for my brain

after i stopped doomscrolling this site i noticed that i got noticeably less assmad about menial shit online

got actually normal about posting+sharing content. still conscious about what i post elsewhere but significantly less paranoid

less self-hate? less inclined to think "they need to kill me with a rock" or some stupid self-deprecating funnypost phrase whenever something shitty happens

overall feeling happier & calmer

cons:

feeling like i'm missing out

the fomo never really goes away even though i knowwww that social media has nothing to offer me

missing out on socializing with tumblrgirl classmates

the pros outweigh the cons by a lot so im still gonna go on with this experiment to see what really happens in the long run. i quit all other social media (imageboards included) a month or so ago and it's been great so far. i don't really post anywhere other than my neocities now and i really encourage everyone to do the same. delete your shit and pick up html/css/js it's good for the soul

tldr mars argo was right. delete your facebook. see you in a year

#yeah theres a kind of irony in posting about my not posting on tumblr #but consider this a time capsule of sorts. an update bc ive been getting anons asking where i went and how im doing #so as far as life updates go #graduating and getting my MA next year #starting a software developer job in may or so #still stupidly in love. maybe even more than last year #made lots of friends in the local community. organizing events #really into learning stuff and making better use of my time than scrolling stupid shit online #normiehood is within reach. we're all gonna make it

I hope you're doing well and that you find joy in what you do. Take care of yourself.

fuck yeah i am!!! just came home after a long ass weekend of frolicking in the woods and finished an insane project so im treating myself to some blogging

#how did i miss this in my inbox?? hello when was this #last time i longposted on here was when the semester was about to start. now its bound to end any time now #and i kind of dont want it to. i mean im SUPER overworked but its made me pick up some healthy habits #and im finally learning how to organize my time and work super hard. started working on my diploma thesis #and will be working on it all summer probably. already got a headstart #just finished a translation job and im hopefully starting another internship in the summer so thats enough to keep me busy #(read: not thinking about not being able to see [redacted] for over two months)#i guess im the same lovestruck creep as before but this time its pushing me to work hard and pick up valuable skills so yay #also ive been going to the gym regularly now. im walking a lot. eating like a normal person. learned to enjoy at least somewhat healthy foo #having so much fun with my irl pals. going to movies and concerts and larps and kink events. got new face piercings :D #things are working out so well for me its unreal

girl, i hope you are happy and free. but i miss you so much. i love reading your blog like it's the news

awww anon this is so sweet. u r right though i am happy and free but i do miss my based mutuals from tumblr dot com. i still log in from time to time to read some online mutuals blogs to check up on my favourite women but god it feels good to be Logged the fuck Out for once

#heres a newspaper update for you anonita:#a new semester is starting and god im so glad to be back at uni for my classes #i missed my pals and fellow sufferers of [horrible study programme].......... like the organisation here sucks but #i fucking love my field and im so glad i get to study here. not to be dramatic but i think i legit found my calling #i dont want to overshare about what im doing for my MA but it's legit fun + interesting + there's Big Fucking Bucks in the AI field soooo #i cant waitttttttt to actually start doing the promised internships and shit once i finish my courses #ive been sticking my foot in the door of so many opportunities. i hope it works out #i know im on the right fucking track babes!#capitalism bossbabe era #also i finally got over my fears and im actually going to munches and events and shit and i made friends in the local scene #uhhh what else is new. im posting on my website. working out regularly. havent relapsed in months #im so glad that i started doing all this shit before new years bc knowing myself id have already given up first week of january #so im glad i got a headstart and now im more motivated to carry on with rethinking my digital life #its been over a year now since ive binge watched shitty short videos or doomscrolled ig #and im thinking. what else can i cut out #for now it seems to be social media. i deactivated everything i dont use (only exception being profiles i use to hoard usernames lol)#deleted old groupchats and discords and cleaned out my apps and old files. feels good #2024 in the name of getting rid of patterns that no longer serve me

bevsi

being a pick-me is inherently about throwing other women under the bus for male approval. no, a gender non-conforming woman or a woman making a basic feminist critique are not “pick-mes.” saying the makeup industry profits off our insecurities is not exactly a sentiment that endears men to you

#literally #i know im said im moving away from tumlr for a while but this is so based i need to reblog.also my webhost is down -_-#fellas is it NLOGgery/pickmeism to criticize the way capitalism profits off of our insecurities? 🤣🤣🤣#ive always liked seeing women experiment w makeup and wear it in silly/artsy/experimental ways. really i LOVE that #i bought my only makeup with the intention to do just that and get weird with it #but i always got too lazy/scared so the only thing i do rn when i want to match my fit and really serve cunt is smudge black under my eyes #and rn most of my classmates i talk to either actively dont wear it at all or get weird with it (basedfems in my grade i am KISSING u)#LOVE to see that!!! honestly. so refreshing #its genuinely such a weird world to grow up in. when youre 11 and retarded and growing up with severe anxiety/the tism/abusive parents #there comes this point where suddenly every1 shows up to school with faces caked in makeup eyebrows done mascara and eyeshadow on point #because usually their mothers/peers/fave youtube channels taught them that this is the norm #and you spend the rest of your early girlhood feeling alienated because nobody taught you this special ritual #and getting ostracized for not partaking in it and being too much of a weird little girl #then you eventually learn to live without it and cope and then you realize just how fucking unnecessary it is #like most of my pinkpilling comes from seeing women on fb post about how they physically cant go out without at least foundation n mascara #like even when they go out to the store or to take the trash out. cmonn. like i get the appeal of wanting to dress up for special occasions #but if you cant bear to look at yourself and just exist in your natural state #i think you need to do some self reflection and spend less on candles #like im seeing girls as young as 11 spending money on anti aging shit and concealers and rollers and other cash grabs #they PHYSICALLY DONT FUCKING NEED. YOURE 13 YOU DONT NEED ANTI AGING. YOU NEED TO LET THE SOFT ANIMAL OF YOUR BODY LOVE WHAT IT LOVES #and you CANT deny this is a direct product of the insidious tiktok/influencer/filter culture #and the patriarchy of course but im not well versed in radfem theory enough to really delve into that #but if your only takeaway from me criticizing this culture is that im some kinda nlog pickme becky who never learned how to do her eyeliner #then i dont know what to say. read more. develop critical thought.

maybe this is the push i needed to really stop using social media and become a neocities/smallweb dweller

#lately i've really had fun browsing around the smallweb and finally made some progress on my little site after months of dreading doing it #i disabled notifs everywhere a long time ago and its been so good for me. plus i live with do not disturb on 90% of the time #its funny maybe im really getting old here #i tried so many times to quit going on here and other sites but i never really kept it up #but lately ive been really regretting keeping this blog up for so long. endlessly searchable archive of my woes #that is easy enough to connect to my real self bc i used to give out my url like candy to irls in my 1st year at uni #and all it did was come back to bite me in the ass and i kept feeling increasingly paranoid about it #i used to wonder how come people could be simply Not Terminally Online at all but now i really do see the joy in slowing the Fuck Down #ive been learning lots of new skills and reading many books lately. i finished 2 today and im midway thru the third one #i got lots of book recs and im gonna chew my way through them. its so comfy i honestly missed this #im slowly easing myself into drawing again. feels good. havent done that in so long #its funny that i have to be Going Through It™ to find joy in my hobbies again. but what else is there to do. im so horribly lonely #i want to actually put real thought into the entries i post on my smallweb blog instead of using it like i do with this #i open this app when i get angry at school‚i write something like 'who up Killing themselves'‚ scroll for 5 min reblog dog pics and close it #and if you go thru my blog its nothing but these thoughtless ventposts leading one to think that im perpetually angry #no im fucking doing my own thing. i only open this app when im stressed thats the thing.#leading to this sort of selection bias. its simply not representative of me #i want to keep up the effort i put into my oldweb site shes really a labor of love (and spaghetti code)#as opposed to this mortifying ordeal of being known only for my vents here #plus web2 is shit. it is so so so shit and ive just been feeling so doompilled about it. everyone should learn html and make their own site #i stopped posting on Any social media outside of tumblr years back and i only keep them up for networking reasons. yay capitalism #no reason why tumblr should be an exception other than nostalgia. i need to transition to more long form content really.its good for my soul #i'm really at a crossroads here. but goodbye for now i suppose

sigilsilke

Demo says hiiiiii

6 week old Silken Windhound

sigilsilke

Sigil Hideaway "Demo" @ 6 weeks

die mad about it

dumbkitteen-deactivated20230911

poorlittlevampire

They Wouldn’t Say Tbat

longdogsdaily

eepy seepy baby

costumersupportdept

oh nightstand we're really in it now.

#hounds :-)#me

photozoi

"Hello mine Uncle the Imp! I am sharing this your sleepy bed."

Suddenly awakened from a sound sleep, the Imp attempts to establish that this is a friendly alien invasion and not a hostile takeover.

The Imp reassesses his position while attempting to repel the invader. He does not have the high ground and apparently his nephew the Mung Bean does not wish to share the bed for sleeping.