two years no social media, the yearly update
in this part of the saga we finally get to crack the world's most puzzling mystery: Was It Because I Was Always On That Damn Phone?
long answer: no, not really?
i did, like, all the things you do when you're breaking a bad habit - put timers on my apps, logged out everywhere, installed all those finch and forest and pomodoro apps and whatnot, started reading self help ebooks instead of scrolling, journaled, but did it make me actually start focusing on my school/work like i initially wanted?
no, not in any meaningful way. when i set a limit of 2 hours phone time per day, i'd just fill those two hours with being on discord and chatting with friends or writing shitty prose in my notes app. to be fair, that is a much better way to spend time than getting ragebaited by algorithm slop, but that thesis is still nowhere near getting written. LOL.
but for the more positive effects i've noticed over the past year or two:
my self-esteem has never been better. whatever was left of my eating disorder is pretty much gone now. the other day i saw myself in the mirror when trying on clothes at the store, unflattering light and all, and didn't cry or have a bad thought not even once. i saw some pics of myself from when we went partying at work last week, and didn't even once think "wow i look fat/ugly/bad/whatever". not looking at instagram/tiktok or anything got rid of the body dysmorphia i was feeling over photoshopped/filtered pictures. i'm literally just a normal human female i'm allowed to be a little ugly be a little loud and not look good 24/7. i can be mid. i don't have to be the most fuckable person at the grocery store i just need to buy milk. i can just go to the gym and lift weights for fun and not to be a muscle mommy or a pilates princess or some other microtrend
no longer experiencing anxiety over my thoughts being wrong, no longer feeling guilt because i like x but not y which is the more morally correct thing to do (according to tumblr). i dont have to worry about going to hell forever for not reblogging someones donation post or scrolling past gofundmes. i dont care that its morally wrong to use chatgpt i'm on that shit daily. inshallah you won't ragebait me. learning the importance of being kind to people irl despite finding them deeply insufferably cringe. and learning that i'm allowed to find someone annoying/dislike them as a person while also thinking they deserve basic rights. i have much better emotional regulation now
idk to which extent this is due to getting off of social media but i'm feeling much much happier and more content in my relationships. no longer obsessed with yearning/unrequited love/obsessive thoughs. processing my wants and kinks in a normal, healthy way instead of making cringe posts and consuming fanfic. i made the leap last year and opened up my relationship, now i'm poly with two beautiful boyfriends who i love very much forever. i dont think thats because i quit social media, exactly, but stepping away from constant online discourse definitely made it easier to make decisions based on what actually works for me instead of what’s theoretically correct
realizing that nothing in life is obligatory. i can just make adjustments and accomodations for myself. i can go to school/work in more comfortable clothes when i'm low on energy. i'm allowed to ask for help/for adjustments to my food/for a little extra time on assignments. i'm allowed to say no to events. i can have sex how i want to and not how porn or the internet wants me to
this is kind of a lame side effect, but i'm way more creative/capable of actually writing long form stuff now. i'm making ocs and writing stuff for the first time in years without worrying about accidentally committing the crime of art theft or (gasp) stealing someone's else concept. fuck it LOL i'm straight up stealing shit for my own little headworld and no 2014 tumblr thought police can arrest me for it
i can't really distinguish anymore to which extent all of this is due to the detox or if it's just the human brain developing/the journaling/the regular exercise and better diet/the side effects of socializing like a normal person but it IS better and thats what matters.
but for more boring life updates. i finally got a place to rent no roommates nothing. its kind of scuffed but its mine and i get to decorate it how i want. i get to have a dining table!!!! i get to be in the kitchen. i can have a couch and a tv and i can watch what i want. insane. it's soon gonna be 10 years since i had to start fending for myself and i finally feel like i Made it. i finally made it.
i like my job and my coworkers like me. software development sometimes sucks massive ass and i get paid literal pennies but it's making me much much happier than any sort of linguistics shit could ever. genuinely considering dropping out of school. but with how much i think dropping out (at the very last second nonetheless) is a moral failing and a personal weakness i guess i'll just have to stick with it and write that thesis.
so see you guys next year, either with a Hey Guys I Dropped Out or a masters degree. both are survivable
in the mean time here's some quotes and or posts that have been genuinely life changing
normal people in real life: hey man how's it going
"it’s so nutty watching urself develop like catching urself react differently than u previously would’ve and be like woah.. cunts maturing? go on then"
"Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur." (margaret atwood)