For the past few days, the snowfall at Clan had been almost constant. On this particular day, it was exceptionally heavy. It was difficult to clearly see the view of Clan’s grounds out of the windows, keeping most of the inhabitants inside.
As she liked to do on days like these, Silane had taken to spending her time in the library. While it was usually very easy for her to become absorbed in a book and to forget everything else for a little while, today was different. She wasn’t finding it as relaxing as she usually did. Countless times she had read over the same sentence, trying again and again to make sense of it until the words began to blur into the page.
Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win, by fearing to attempt.
It wasn’t a complex sentence. If her mind was in the right place, she would have recognised its meaning without a problem. Although her eyes were fixated on the words, her thoughts were elsewhere and she simply couldn’t concentrate for long enough to figure them out. Silane was far too focused on something else.
Or rather, she was too focused on someone else.
There was little point in continuing. However, once she approached the section where she was to return the book, she noted it wasn’t empty like it had been earlier.
Someone else stood browsing the shelves, but it wasn’t just any other resident of Clan. Of all the people she could have run into, of course it would be him -- the one person she was actively trying to avoid. Silane immediately regretted her choice of author, and without a second thought, she hurriedly wedged the book onto the end of a shelf and left the library as quickly as possible, hoping she had gone unnoticed.
All of a sudden, being outside was a lot more inviting.
After a quick detour to collect a coat, Silane made her way out into Clan’s grounds, noticing the weather had now subsided to a gentle snowfall. She wandered aimlessly for a little while, making patterns with her footsteps before locating a sheltered bench where she could sit. It was still far too cold for her liking, but now that she was completely alone and outside without distractions... perhaps she could clear her mind a little.
It had been a long time since she’d felt this way for someone, and it was all very unfamiliar and confusing to her. She’d spent the last few months hoping that these feelings she had were only a fleeting thought, and would just disappear after a short while. But they hadn’t disappeared at all, instead only becoming stronger.
For the majority of her years in Clan, she had managed to avoid such emotions. It had been easy. With no memory of her life beforehand, there was no recollection of Silane, the girl who experienced all kinds of emotions and had welcomed feelings for someone else without a hint of hesitation. In Clan, there had only been Silane, whose life had revolved around following rules, hiding secrets and keeping others in line. She hadn’t known what those feelings were like, nor had she ever been curious to find out. Two selves, entirely separate from each other, with conflicting opinions on almost every subject.
Neither of them were here now. They’d been replaced with who she was now, someone who wasn’t sure which of her past selves she agreed with more, if at all. But Silane wasn’t the only one who had changed. Clan as a whole had changed. Seemingly, almost everyone around her was experiencing these feelings she had strived to avoid. Instead of not caring at all, she had come to wonder whether she’d ever have that for herself. For some time, there hadn’t been anyone for her to take an interest in, so she had begun to believe that perhaps, this was how it would be and things would never change.
Until Marius had come back into Silane’s life with no warning whatsoever, and things had turned out to be far different than she’d ever expected.
She’d been more than content with their friendship, never expecting anything more out of it or that they would return to having the relationship they’d once had. But once she’d briefly considered the idea of it, and with the amount of time the two spent together, Silane only found herself becoming more drawn to Marius. It was small, simple things at first, like how he seemed to genuinely enjoy her company, and subtle gestures that hinted that he did care about her. Then, she’d started to notice the finer details about him that she would’ve never imagined herself picking up on. Trivial details, like the focused expression he wore whenever he was concentrating on something, or how recently, he would move to brush his hair away from his eyes more than usual. She thought about those kinds of things more than she would’ve liked to, and whenever she realised she was doing it, she almost felt embarrassed for doing so. Despite believing it was impossible in the beginning, Silane’s feelings towards him had slowly, but surely changed completely.
And where she’d once been able to go weeks without a single word exchanged between them... she had to admit his absence was rather noticeable after just a few days.
She wanted to acknowledge her feelings for what they were, but she couldn’t seem to bring herself to. It wasn’t as simple as that. With all that had happened before, she was hesitant to accept that this was truly how she felt. For that reason, when he’d asked her how she felt a few days earlier... the only response that seemed suitable was that she didn’t know.
At last, she understood what that one sentence she had struggled so much with earlier meant-- it was a perfect description of the position she’d found herself in. She doubted that things could be different from before, the very idea of allowing herself to feel this kind of love for someone, and whether Marius liked her as she was now, or the person she once was. As long as those doubts existed, she would never be able to accept her feelings. And whenever she dared to challenge them, they would remind her that it wasn’t right to have such desires. It would only lead to what she feared. Loss. Traitors, indeed.
But, there was still something else that held her back.
Simply, Silane believed that she didn’t deserve to have something like this at all. She had been forgiven for her actions, but forgiveness couldn’t erase the fact that she’d been far from kind to Marius when he’d first arrived at Clan. She’d treated him awfully, taken her frustrations out on him and had said things she didn’t mean. Yet, after all of it, he still wanted to be her friend. Above all else, she’d told him her darkest secret with the expectation that he’d push her away and want nothing more to do with her. Anyone else would have done, but not Marius. He’d done the exact opposite and had only treated her with more kindness than ever. He was everything she wasn’t. As a person, he was far too good for someone like her.
It was all so complicated. Instead of clearing her mind, Silane only felt more and more confused about what to do. She almost wished Marius had never returned, so that she wouldn’t have to deal with the complete chaos that had become of her thoughts.
Feeling somewhat defeated, she was prepared to go back inside and find something else that could help distract her, but instead of returning to the sanatorium... she found herself walking in a very different direction.
Along the path leading outside of Clan and through the forest she went, until she reached the village where she once lived, coming to a stop outside the house that was so familiar to her. Silane wasn’t entirely sure why she had instinctively come here, until she took shelter on the front porch and stared ahead at the garden before her. It reminded her of one memory in particular: an argument with her mother, which had quickly spiralled out of control and hurtful things had been said. She had ended up coming outside to sit in this very spot, confused about why her mother couldn’t accept that their opinions differed.
All these years later, Silane had barely a memory of the exact words her mother had said to her, but there was one phrase that she remembered clearly as if it had only happened yesterday.
Love will only bring you pain.
It wasn’t the first time she’d heard that. It had been said years before Silane was old enough to begin experiencing such feelings. Not only was it used as a scolding, but they were words that her mother seemed to live by. Only now did the full weight of those words come crashing down and Silane realised just how damaging they were.
These words had ended up destroying her mother’s life, controlling her to the point that she felt she could no longer continue living. After seeing what it had done to her, Silane had vowed that her mother was the last person she wanted to become.
But with the doubts that filled her mind, and how she wished her feelings would disappear rather than acknowledging them...
Hadn’t those words come to control her thoughts, too? All because of one misfortune, she feared the idea of love, not wanting to experience something that had left her broken before. Without even realising it, those six words were the reason why Silane had wanted to avoid such feelings.
Just like her mother. And that scared her far more than loss did, potentially even more than she had ever feared death.
All along, what Silane had needed was something to make her realise the potential damage her thoughts were capable of causing, and this was it. She couldn’t let herself be consumed by fear and uncertainty any longer. Regardless of what her mind would try to tell her, Marius wasn’t someone who was far better than she was, someone she didn’t deserve, and the future for them could turn out to be different. It would be different.
Momentarily, she thought back to the argument she’d had with him just a few days ago. Silane hadn’t even stayed long enough to hear what his response would be to the accusations she’d made. Perhaps, what she had said... would turn out to not be the truth. But, she would never find out the answer if she didn’t attempt to confront the doubts that were holding her back.
She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life being afraid of the past repeating itself, looking at everything with pessimism, and denying herself chances that would allow her to be truly happy.
