Food for thought: 12/8/20
It’s weird going through all my stuff and packing and organizing after living here for 2 years. It’s oddly nostalgic.
Also going through my stuff and donating it and setting it into piles for who I want to give all these things to reminds me of if someone was going to commit ******* and they were getting rid of everything that would hold them here. Packing away their lives and in a way each box they pack for someone else packs them away as well. One less person they would feel they neglected in any way or left without anything worldly to remember them by. I’m in a very healthy state of mind but it just kinda passed my mind.
Tonight I found my hospital bag from when I was baker acted a couple years ago. I hadn’t touched it or gone through it because I didn’t want to relive any memories. I wasn’t strong enough then to go through it. I did tonight tho, and it wasn’t bad. I found my bracelet, my old journal where I kept notes on all the nurses and what was going on. I found a lot of art from my art therapy sessions. I really didn’t have any feelings towards it until I found the note my roommate (Adam) wrote me when he dropped me off clothes at the office. He came up and visited me and would bring me necessities every night. He was a great friend to have during that. The note said “Cheer up buttercup, call me if you need anything.” And even just typing that out kind of tugs my heart a bit. It’s very rare that you find people in this world who care about you so while let without ever needing anything in return. Before my situation we were just roommates who really didn’t talk much or hangout at all, but when that happened we bonded. Honestly over the years of living with him he has become like a big brother to me.
At the begining of this year I took a handful of my sleeping pills after having a severe manic episode. I was smashing things and banging my head on the wall. I was screaming and pulling my hair out. I couldn’t take it and I took the meds. I was home alone, and after I had calmed down I regretting taking the pills, and I got scared, tried forcing myself to vomit. I couldn’t get it up, so I was googling relentlessly to see if I had taken a lethal dose or if I needed to go to the hospital. Apparently I had only taken a dose that was considered the “max dose” they gave to people. I figured I would be fine so I was going to try and drive to my boyfriends house to calm down and try and be taken care of. As soon as I sat in my Jeep the meds hit me and I became so dizzy I thought I would get sick. The world was spinning like a cold dark vortex sucking me in. I was so scared, but I kept reminding myself that it wasn’t a lethal dose and I was going to be fine, I just needed to sleep it off. The cold air zapped my skin, but I couldn’t feel it inside. It’s like the chill rested on top of me, like a blanket of snow covering an empty, abandoned old car or something. I felt like a hollow shell, and the world was spinning and rocking around as if I was on a ship at sea. I stumbled out of my car and speed walked back to my apartment, to safety. I flopped onto my bed and curled up, praying I would go to sleep quickly. Praying I would wake up from my mistake. I laid their for hours, I couldn’t sleep because I was so dizzy and scared, I nearly called an ambulance but I didn’t want to worry anyone with what I had done.
I guess at some point my brain finally shut off, but I would wake up to the darkness of my room and then fall back into a void. It’s like I’d close my eyes and wake up a couple hours later. I didn’t dream. It would just be a moment of darkness and then time would pass. I remember waking up and hearing my roommate in the living room watching tv. The dim light from the other room flickered down the hallways, beckoning me to leave the darkness I was laying in. I fell asleep again, but by accident. I couldn’t control it. I woke up, thankfully the light still flickering down the hallway. I needed water, or something at this point. I needed the void to stop, I needed to sober up in a sense.
My body drooled off the bed slowly, stumbling towards the door. I stopped at my bed and get a wave of dizziness pass. I sat down on the carpeted floor until the waves crashed, and I was ready to continue my journey again. I stood up, giving it a moment to make sure the waves would come back so soon. As I walked towards the door the black flashed. I heard a loud noise, and I opened my eyes from the floor. I had blacked out, fallen, and hit my head on the wall. It was sore, and I was nervous because I couldn’t control the blackness that would hit me. But I had to. I needed water. I needed something. As I lay on the floor I couldn’t even recognize what part of my room I was in. From this angle it looked foreign and dark. When I finally gained a little focus, and realized I was behind my desk next to the bathroom, I gained a small bit of clarity from the darkness. I didn’t want to risk it coming back too soon, so I crawled out of the room and down the hall, making my voyage to the kitchen. My roommate didn’t notice me thankfully, I didn’t want to make him worry.
Once the cool tile was under my hand I gained all my strength, and forced all my focus on keeping my mind awake. I stood up and grabbed a cup from the sink.
“Katelynn? Are you okay?” I opened my eyes to light flooding the kitchen. I was on the floor again, and Adam was sitting next to me with a worried look on his face. Roman, his dog, was nervously sniffing my head. Adam helped me to a sitting position, my mind was fuzzy and dim again. I couldn’t remember anything, but I felt where I had hit my head again. He offered my a cup of ice water, and we both sat on the kitchen tile in silence. Roman continuing to sniff me nervously, as if checking to make sure I was okay. I finally spoke. I told him about me taking the pills. I told him about my episode. I told him about my stress at work, and my supervisor who was degrading me and picking on me. I told him about my stress, and how I needed it to end. (Note, this job was the same reason I had been baker acted twice the year prior. It had gotten better but I switched departments). “After you took the pills, is that when you texted me telling me that you loved me?” I nodded, tears starting. This man had cared for me through these instances before. He was closer to me than my family was. He was the big brother I had been blessed to find. He hugged me, and he helped me stand, never leaving my side. He held me up and walked me back to my room. Assuring I just needed to sleep it off and I would be okay.
I slept
I woke up to Adam coming in to check on me, the sun had risen and the birds were chirping. He told me he had called out of work to take care of me. He started crying. He handed me some crackers and water, and told me to text him if I needed anything.
I slept
It was night again. I was still so foggy and dizzy, I couldn’t leave my bed at all.
I slept again. I wasn’t even tired. I did not feel fatigued in the slightest big. I was just so heavy. And the fog wouldn’t clear. I forced myself to sleep, hoping I’d skip past this and just wake up refreshed. As if this whole experience had just been one wild dream and that the dream haze it why I was cloaked in this fog.
I woke to another day, Adam came in to check on me. He brought some granola bars and more water. This time he laid on the bed next to me as I ate, and we just stayed like that in silence. He had called out again, since the fog hadn’t lifted he wanted to make sure I was okay. He said he was gonna order pizza later, and he was going to order me one so I could get some real food in my system. I felt nauseous, and I couldn’t tell if it was my equilibrium reaking havoc on me, or if it was the lack of food. When Adam finally left I decided to make my way to the living room and try and force myself back to normal. I was still dizzy, still stumbling. I had my blanket in one arm and the wall in the other as I made my way back down the hall. I sat in the living room chair a stared blankly at the tv. I wasnt thinking, I wasn’t seeing, I wasn’t even feeling. I was just there, and yet absent as well. At some point I fell asleep in the chair. My mind was absent for so long that as if like a game console I just went into auto rest mode.
It took almost a week to detox. The only person aside from Adam that I talked to was my bf, who made his way over there to check on me and hold me. I was honestly so terrified to text my supervisor about why I hadn’t been to work. I didn’t have to tell her what happened, I didn’t have to tell her anything except I wouldn’t be back for a bit. But I was so terrified to make any sort of contact with her ever again. So I didn’t. At the end of the week I received and email from work, and automated email stating they had completed my internal resignation, which was a friendly way of saying I had been fired. But instead of feeling worried or scared of how I’d pay bills, I felt the wave of complete relief.
Here we are almost a year later and I have the most amazing job ever, where my hard work is recognized and my mistakes are treated like learning experiences. My boyfriend and I are finding a place to live, so I’m going to stay with my mom for a bit to save up money and give us time to find a good place. I’m excited! I’m so ready to start this new chapter of my life. A year ago I didn’t think I could make it this far! Adam and I are like best friends now. We watch tv together and eat in together a lot. With my bf were the three amigos and we all hangout and it’s the best feeling to have so much love and happiness around me. I will miss living with Adam, we’ve lived together for two years. It will be weird to not have him ramble on about random stuff everytime I come home. But we will still be close. I hope so at least. He’s a great person, and I’m so glad to have met him.
I just got lost in thought, had to get it out, finally had to write about my experience. Had to document it so in the future when I read back through my posts I’ll see it again and remember. I’m excited to see what life brings me. And even tho I thought about this night of packing from the eyes of a struggling person, I can say that for the first time in my 24 years of life that’s not my point of view. I’m not seeing this as giving away stuff to let go of everything that holds me back in life. I see this as getting rid of everything to make room for all the things life is going to bring me. Also it makes moving soooo much easier haha.
