There are some things I feel as though I’m not meant to say in relation to my relationship with Mister, at least, not publicly, not outside the sanctuary of the world that exists purely between the two of us.
For all we share and write about, there are some things which seem to fall into an unspoken category of “you’re not meant to say that” in the D/s and BDSM community.
Or perhaps I just don’t see some things written about because it’s truly taboo, maybe there are aspects of the relationship dynamics that Mister and I share that are simply frowned upon or not acceptable to the outside world no matter how fulfilling we find them ourselves.
For the most part, Mister and I keep these things to ourselves, we don’t really share the things that are harder to explain or we feel people won’t understand or we feel fall into that category of “you’re not meant to say that”.
I want to start changing that a little. For our own sake as well as for anyone who may need to read it.
I will preface this by saying I speak only for Mister and I, and not the community at large or for any other D/s relationships either generally or specifically. I would also ask that before you respond, or before you send hate mail if you’re so inclined, that you read this in full and try to keep an open mind before reacting.
Mister intentionally manipulates me, and not only do I allow him to, I want him to.
I know most people hear the word manipulation and it’s automatically associated with abusive behavior. Generally speaking if we talk about manipulation we’re referring to an act of consciously coercing an action, behavior or mental state in someone else without their knowledge and more often than not with some form of malicious or selfish intention behind doing so.
While I absolutely do not, and would not ever, condone abusive, maliciously minded or intended manipulation in any way, shape or form regardless of the relationship dynamics involved I do believe that when used in the right way and with the right person there can be such a thing as positive manipulation.
Mister and I talk a lot about what we both want from our relationship, what we’d like to accomplish as well as where our limits are, not just in terms of the sexual or physical activities but also where the lines of independence get drawn, where the mental and behavioral lines are drawn and where the absolute necessities are in relation to how we work together and how we operate or function in the world outside of our relationship.
We discuss the goals or concepts of what we want to achieve in great detail, but once we’ve discussed it and agreed to work towards it I tend to hand over the planning of how we accomplish it to Mister.
When it comes to physical activity or behaviors I’m often highly aware of what the plan is - learning to crawl up and down the stairs, being able to deep throat him in a single stroke without flinching, walking flawlessly in heels, increasing my pain tolerance…all of those things had a clear learning path and a clear plan that I was consciously aware of and an active participant in.
The mental and psychological goals are harder though, and sometimes the most effective way for Mister to be able to help me overcome mental barriers is to do so in a way that I’m not explicitly aware of at the time.
I trust Mister completely, and I genuinely want to be owned by him in mind, body and soul. It’s through his leadership, control and ownership that I am becoming the best possible version of myself, and I believe that happens just a little more each day.
There are some things that he simply can’t accomplish through his command and my consent alone, though.
I am able to let go and be vulnerable in front of him not because he told me to be vulnerable but because he showed me that it was safe to be vulnerable with him. He used the tools at his disposal and his knowledge of my mind, my fears, my insecurities and incorporated that knowledge into activities carried out in a safe environment that would make me feel vulnerable before him, a little at first and then gradually building over time. I learnt it was safe through action and reinforcement.
I know I can turn to Mister when I need help or when I encounter problems because he intentionally created low risk or no risk scenarios (such as moving our favorite mugs out of reach) that would make me turn to him to ask for help, because as much as I would love it if he could have simply told me he would help me when I needed it, asking for help is hard, and because of a history with people saying they would be there and not following through the words alone wouldn’t have been as effective as showing that he would help when I asked for it. It’s because he showed me through the small things that I trust in him and have enough confidence to turn to him when it comes to the big things.
There are a lot of things that are part of our relationship that are generally considered to be forms of manipulation and behavior modification. Sometimes I’m consciously aware of them, I know for example that Mister rewarding “good” or desired behaviors makes me more eager or comfortable to repeat those behaviors in the future, even if the reward is as simple as being told that I’m a “good girl” or hair ruffles.
But I’m also aware that there are some things Mister intentionally does to encourage or create certain behaviors and beliefs that aren’t explicitly stated, and that sometimes those things are subtle enough to fly under my mental defenses - and while I might not be able to tell you exactly what those things are until after the fact, I can tell you with absolute certainty that they are done with good intent and designed to achieve our mutual goals and desires.
Sometimes the best tool Mister has at his disposal in training me and guiding us towards where we want or need to go is beyond my conscious mind. To speak to something beyond the place within me bound by previously learned behaviors or perceptions forged through societal expectations and the fears and doubts left by less well intentioned people who came before him and instead work with the subconscious mind (no pun intended, but it’s a happy accident).
Our destinations are negotiated, but the path to get there often isn’t.
In order for Mister to lead, I must first be brave enough to follow and trust in him enough to choose our course.
Sometimes that means my conscious mind follows blindly, knowing that it’s safe to switch off under his care and his command.
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