i'm a fucking princess

✦ i am but a smol bean who dreams of the stars gifs not mine. the background, however, is. if you have any questions, feel free to ask. xoxo

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I have been struggling all day to get in Astarion’s good graces on my current play through and… I am only at medium approval and he will not fuck me at the party 😭 I’m gonna have to do a new play through that is chaotic (but it’s hard because I just wanna be a nice person 😭) and also I did Gale’s romance and decided to go back to an earlier save because idk… it felt wrong in my heart. I like Gale. But I do not want to romance Gale. It get like the phrase “It was like kissing my brother.” Yknow? Just felt wrong and gave me the ick. So I was like alright lemme go for Astarion because that’s who I initially liked. Yeah, imma have to do a new play through or something and make different choices 😔

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Man. i downloaded hinge again to feel better about myself (flirting helps dont ask me why) but damn. 1) some man called me cutiepie and i dont like that. 2) men really be extra fucking horny and brazen about it from the getgo. like no leading into it really lol

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haaa. I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend since 7 am Tuesday morning. He hasn’t seen my messages (or at least read them in the app) but he has seen my Instagram stories. And like, I’m trying not to worry either for him or for us, but I can’t not worry. Plus, i keep having flashbacks to my ex breaking up with me after ignoring me. So, like, I’m panicking too. Worried and anxious and just fuck. And my emotions were already on high because of other shit. Fml.

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Are there people who look forward to going to work? Like. I like my job. It’s a good job. But damn, I’d rather not go lol. I’m about ready to go to bed and I was like “damn. It’s only gonna be Wednesday. Weekends here soon tho. But then it’ll just start over again before I know it.” always looking forward to being home or having the weekend and then I’m too tired to do anything. Smh. I gotta finish my book so I can publish it and become rich (/joking. although I would love to publish eventually lol)

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Lol, it’s 44 degrees outside and apparently feels like 35 (I dont think so but whatever lol). Yet here I am, in my room with my window wide open and my fan blowing directly on me feeling warm af. I had to take my weighted blanket off so I just have my sheet and my comforter. I’m about to go down to just the sheet. its funny how this is considered warm weather after having below freezing weather for so long. As much as I like it during the day, I would prefer it stay cold at night for my own sake 😭 I overheat when sleeping and hate only having one blanket on. I want all the blankets! I want comfort! 😭😭

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You know how music can transport you back to a time or place in your memories? Every time I hear one of my favorite artists, I’m transported to that apartment. sitting at my desk, listening to that music as I write and chill. my plants are alive and well on the windowsill next to me. I can smell the candle we burned. If I turn my head to the side, i can see him sitting at his desk in his room, playing video games and talking on discord. I feel sick to my fucking stomach at these memories. I hate it so much. I need to make new memories with these songs because I adore them but even now I just cannot listen to them. Maybe because when I do, I’m alone. Maybe I need to associate them with new people. It just fucking sucks because what used to be chill songs to write to now just ruin the entire mood. I hate this

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My subconscious keeps giving me dreams where I run into my ex and it’s absolutely horrible and anxiety inducing and all of that shit. And that sucks. But then it also gives me, within the same dreams, me running to my boyfriend and getting comforted and protected. so like, I’m still subconsciously messed up by me ex, but know full well that my current boyfriend is an angel, a saint, someone who makes me feel safe? Okay, I’m down for that last part. but let’s abolish the fucking ex being in my dreams pls. I’ll take just my boyfriend and we’ll be all dandy kthnx

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Cool, cool, cool, cool. I am sick 🙃 congestion and a headache (probably caused by the congestion tbh, which has also caused copious amounts of sneezing). Idk if it’s because the weather got warm and then really cold again or if my allergies are acting up or what. I did take a rapid test at work today tho and it was negative. I was advised to take another one of my symptoms got worse tho. It’s not even that bad, but I do feel really tired. It’s also really fucking annoying. I just hope I’m better soon because I’m going to have a funeral to attend to soon and I don’t want to miss it because I’m sick. Ofc this happens all at once. Why wouldn’t it? 🤦🏻‍♀️

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I mean... look how cute I look! But also I’m cold, hungry, and tired now so idek. 😔

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One year later. still looking cute even with my self-image issues lol. That girl there tho was going through a lot and about to go through a lot more. She was not really happy. Now tho, even with my anxieties, I am genuinely happy. I just have to remind myself to let that anxiety go.

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Ahaha, so we’re going out tonight. I’ve picked three restaurants for him to choose from (and also depending on how busy they are). I’m going to wear a very cute dress (actually, the one I wore last year too now that I think about it BUT! To be fair. I don’t own many dresses and it’s my favorite one so 🤷🏻‍♀️). I’m still very nervous to give him the gifts I got because I’m afraid it’s “too much” even tho it’s really not. I got him a his and hers Star Wars keychain (I get one, he gets one), some candy, and a neck massager because that boy needs some self care. And like. I don’t want to seem like I’m overdoing it on the gifts or anything, but I do just love to give gifts. It’s who I am. I just have to remind myself that this is different from the past and he is different and it will all go well, because it always does. Im just a hot mess lol.

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Back to emotions and shit like that real quick lol. While I’m afraid of doing too much (and fear driving him away) I also fear not doing enough (and fear driving him away). Like Jesus. I can’t win. Fuck my ex man because somehow I simultaneously did both idk.🤦🏻‍♀️

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Also random thing, but I can’t see who is liking my posts? Like I can see some old ones for my more “popular” posts, but there is no activity logs or showing who liked anything more recent. It’s kinda weird. Idk if it’s just me or if it’s a Tumblr thing but yeah. That’s fucking weird….

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Soooo, it’s almost Valentine’s Day and suddenly I’m getting this like nervous anxious feeling. My brain is being stupid and I KNOW it’s being stupid but I can’t stop it, yknow? So, for context, let’s revisit last years Valentine’s with my ex. Some remnants of it exist in my posts on here, but let’s go back anyway.

It was the Friday before Valentine’s Day. I wore this super cute outfit with a little sexy twist to surprise my ex (he kept saying he wanted a surprise like this, so when better than then?) I wait for him to come home from work. And I wait. And I wait. And I start to get tired and hungry and cold. And still I wait. Eventually, I’m so tired and lowkey pissed off and upset over waiting for like five hours after he was supposed to get home that I decide to hop into the shower. He comes home. Turns out he was out playing mtg with someone he didn’t even fucking like. Kept saying he thought he told me and all that bullshit. Whatever. Okay. I’m going to bed.

Cue Valentine’s Day. I get out my gift, super excited to give it to him. And his response is “Oh, I didn’t think we were doing gifts this year.” (For reference, this was like our third Valentine’s Day and he had never gotten me anything) and I looked at him like 🤨 because I had literally told him numerous times that I was getting him the exact thing that he had wanted for Valentine’s Day. I bought myself chocolate when we went grocery shopping. The year before I bought myself flowers.

And look, I didn’t expect anything lavish. It could have been my favorite candy bar for like $2 and I would have been happy! Just a “I thought of you and I love you happy Valentine’s Day.” Kinda thing. I’m a romantic! It’s who I have always been and always will be so Valentine’s Day is kinda exciting to me from that perspective.

So why am I nervous? Idk. I guess I’m anxious that I’m going above and beyond again only to be disappointed and I’m scared to be hurt in the same way that my ex hurt me even tho I know my boyfriend isn’t like that. I’m gonna ask him in the next day or so if he wants to go out for lunch or something (my treat, if he actually lets me pay lol, he always insists on treating). I hate tho, that my ex did all this shit that just…… still affects me today. Like, I have trust issues because of him and I hate that because it has nothing to do with my boyfriend now. He’s honestly the best and doesn’t deserve me feeling that way. But at least I also am self aware enough to know that it has nothing to do with him and that he is amazing and reassuring and just, seriously the best.

But goddamn this anxiety. What if I’m doing too much haha. Ugh. Stupid intrusive thoughts smh 🤦🏻‍♀️

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If you don’t mind the ask, what exactly happened with your ex?~

I’ve been following you for a long time and I’ve seen your previous posts + hints about what happened in the end. I think I’m going through something similar and I’m just looking for hope that it gets easier! <3~

Ah, i never get on here anymore except to vent so I totally missed this!! So sorry, love! (And oh gosh, I’m sorry you’ve had to be subjected to my rantings and ravings for so long lol 😂).

I’m sorry that you’re possibly going through something similar because honestly, it was the absolute worst. My ex boyfriend was not very emotional in our relationship. In fact, he can’t feel empathy, so that always made things a little hard. Honestly, there were a bunch of issues leading up to the main cause. Lots of little things that broke me down and wore me out (such as he refused to wish me a happy birthday or what seemed like silly little things like that).

Last year, he started spending more and more time on discord. He started ignoring me. Eventually, it came to a breaking point where I told him flat out that how I felt. He apologized and said he would spend more time with me and was sorry I had felt that way. Spoiler alert, it didn’t get better. While he “spent time” with me, he was ALWAYS on his phone. I mean, constantly. I was starting to break mentally again. And then… I got pregnant and decided on having an abortion because neither of us wanted to have kids and we weren’t ready for that anyway. And things were even harder. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most. He was on discord, chatting up this girl all the time. He would talk to her well into the night (like, five am and keeping me up all night doing so). And he claimed it was because he was in a bad place mentally and his friends made him feel better. Well, if that wasn’t a sucker punch to my already wounded emotions. Because I did love him. I loved him a lot.

Well, he went on vacation to meet this friend and her brother. Was going to stay the week there. He broke up with me while he was there (and spoiler alert, they got together and their “get together” date on Facebook is two days before we broke up 🙃). I don’t think he really physically cheated on me, but he 110% emotionally cheated on me. And not just with her, but with other women. And I’m petty and wonder if she knows he was still thinking of getting back together with me the week he had come back 🤔

In any case, I had brushed a lot of my feelings under the rug because I didn’t want to be the kind of girlfriend who got jealous or who clung to hard or who did anything of that sort. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have put my own feelings first. It would have saved me a world of trouble.

I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but if you think you’re seeing red flags, please don’t brush them off. Oftentimes, your gut is right. If you think you should leave, do it. For me, I didn’t leave even though I had thought of it a few times in our almost four years together because I didn’t think anyone would love me like he did. But guess what? Someone does. Actually, scratch that, they treat me a hell of a lot better than he ever did. He treats the people around me a lot better than my ex ever did. My ex drove me from the people I loved because none of them wanted to be around him. Because he was an asshole. There is hope. It gets better. And yeah, sometimes you have to go through hell first. Doesn’t mean we have to appreciate the experience or anything tho.

When I was worried he was going to break up with me before he did, I had commented my worries on a Patreon post of my idol (who had asked how everyone was doing) and she responded, ending her post with “Let the boyfriend go if you gotta. and remember that everything changes.” So, I pass those words along to you. Everything changes, but sometimes, it’s for the better.

Also, I’ll try and keep an eye out here. So if you need anyone to talk to, please reach out.

Just know, I see you, anon. I send my love to you for whatever your situation is. Good luck! You got this!

xoxo Alix

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I’m still erasing you from my life. I get memories on Facebook and see your name in the comment section. Sometimes I just delete the comments. Sometimes I delete the whole memory. I had a dream about you the other night. I was back in the apartment, visiting your roommate. You weren’t supposed to be there and yet you showed up. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt scared. What did I do? I ran. I ran to get away from you. I’m always running. I wish you could know that. That I will do whatever it takes to get away from you. That I don’t want a single memory of you left in my head. That’s what you did to me. This is what you made me.

and you know what? I ran to him. I ran to find him. I was scared and what did my subconscious tell me to do? Find him. Find the man who helped bring happiness back into my life. Find the man who treats me so well that I often feel like I don’t deserve it (I’m working on that, though. because I do deserve it, dammit!). And I found him. And I clung tightly to him. And I cried and he let me cry and he held me and he protected me. You destroyed me. He helped build me back up. And maybe I should be thankful to you for helping me grow as a person to finally realize what I want in life — what I want in love. That I am with him now because of that growth. But no. I don’t want to be thankful to you or the way you treated me. Fuck you. Fuck everything about you. I’m not the type of person to forgive or forget. I’m petty as fuck and that won’t change because I don’t care to change that. So fuck you And fuck you forever.

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When people told me I would find happiness again after my ex boyfriend dumped me (and after all the emotional cheating and all the bullshit), I was lowkey kinda skeptical. I knew I’d get there somehow, but it was hard to imagine. And then… I found it. I found it in my new job. I found it in myself. I found it in my friend who would soon become more than that. Remember how I was saying that I was happy and giddy and I was probably gonna have to say something about where we were going? Well, we went! We talked about our feelings. He figured out my vague insta stories were about him (he asked me because he wanted to make sure haha). We had our movie night. We kissed. It was kinda awkward, but we’re also moving into new territory. We’ve been friends for years, so it’s all kind of awkward in the best way. He came over again last week and we chilled and talked and watched a movie and kissed again. We talk every day. And ugh. I cannot wait to go camping with him in two weeks. Honestly, I just want to spend all my time with him. In his arms. Laughing and having fun and being comfortable. He makes me feel safe. I found happiness again. I’m going to cherish it. I’m going to cherish him. 💜

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Damn. I can hardly fall asleep properly because I am just so caught up in my feels (in a happy, giddy way) and like damn. I’m gonna be so fucking tired at work lol. But fuck. I’m so excited for this weekend. Honestly, if he doesn’t ask or do anything about wanting whatever this is we’re doing to move in a more romantic direction than I think I’m gonna have to work up the courage to do that. I’ve been laying down some high key hints tho and he’s been picking up on them so idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ We’re going to a cornmaze because I said I wanted to do cute fall shit and he offered. Ugh. And i Still can’t get over him saying everything I do is cute because it’s me. Like aiwolapaah fuck. I’ve got it bad ahahaha.