xtcFriedChicken

Geeky. Witchy. Ever-evolving. Oh yeah, and I cook things that punch you right in the tastebuds!

[xtcfriedchicken]

Jalapeno Popper Dip

This is a variation on a recipe my mother introduced me to ages ago. 

1-2 cups shredded cheese (colby jack, cheddar, something orange)

1 block scream cheese, softened

2 tbs mayonnaise

3-4 chopped fresh jalapenos, seeded

Combine ingredients. Mix well. Microwave 2 minutes. Stir. Microwave 1 minute. Stir. Serve with tortilla chips.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Depression Brownies

Yep, you read that right.  This is the saddest fucking brownie recipe ever.It's meant to be eaten in a bubble bath while listening to music or books on tape. Or in a bathrobe on the couch, while watching movies/Netflix binge-ing and realizing you haven't showered in three days. Seriously, I'd call it Prozac Brownies, but I'm pretty sure those pills aren't heat-stable.

4 tablespoons flour

4 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons water

2 tablespoons cocoa powder

4 tablespoons melted butter

1/4 teaspoon salt

Combine dry ingredients in a microwave safe mug. Stir. Add wet ingredients and mix well. Microwave for 60 to 90 seconds, or until sorta puffy and not wet on top.  Top with whatever's handy -- marshmallow fluff, peanut butter, nutella, chocolate chips, fruit, coconut shreds, breakfast cereal... Basically just make yourself content and eat it.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Flatbread

This stuff evolved from a Jesus cracker recipe, and has been cooked by many a witch. I'd serve it with melted butter, or  peppered olive oil. Hella tasty.

 1 1/3 cups flour

1/4 cup + 2 tablespoons water

2.5 tablespoons vegetable oil

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

herbs and spices appropriate to current tastes

Combine ingredients. Preheat oven to 500. Press onto a greased pan or pizza stone. Bake for 10 minutes. Slice, tear, break, etc. Just eat it. 

[xtcfriedchicken]

Broccoli Soup (with cheese)

Shamelessly swiped from Gordon Ramsay, then bastardized.

1lb fresh raw broccoli

1 tsp salt

1 metric fuckton of cheese

Boil  broccoli until soft. Drain, but retain water. Puree in blender, slowly adding a small amount of retained water. Return to pot on low heat. Slowly add cheese until you're happy. Optional: Add a small amount of milk for a creamier broccoli soup.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Beer Bread

This makes a great accompaniment to the previous recipe -- the chili! It's easy, kinda heavy, and will hold up to a bunch of cheese.

3 cups self-rising flour

3 tablespoons sugar

12 ounces beer

1/4 cup melted butter

Blend flour, sugar, and beer.  Pour into greased 9 x 5 loaf pan. Bake 30 minutes, then coat with melted butter. Bake for 10 more minutes. Remove from oven when crust sounds hollow when thumped.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Winter's INFAMOUS Chili Recipe

Oh I've WARNED you all about this one! This is the chili recipe nobody has been able to duplicate so far. It took me years to perfect, and was pretty much an accident in the first place.

2lbs ground turkey, browned

2 cans green chilies and tomatoes (Ro-Tel)

2 large cans crushed tomatoes

2 tetra-pak boxes beef broth

Winter's Chili Seasoning 

Winter's Chili Seasoning contains:

chili powder

paprika

cumin

onion powder

garlic powder

The proportions are questionable, and should be altered according to your tastes. Be careful with the cumin. Add beer..or don't. 

Combine all ingredients in a large pot. Simmer on medium heat for 2-4 hours, or until desired consistency is reached.  Add cheese, or don't. Add tortilla chips...or don't. Basically, just eat the stuff.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Flourless Peanut Butter Cookies

This is another gluten-free recipe. They stay chewy.

1 cup peanut butter

1 cup white granulated sugar

1 large egg

splash vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350 F. Combine ingredients . Roll into balls and stick to greased baking sheet. Press with for to make them look like proper peanut butter cookies. Bake 8-10 minutes. Cool partially, completely, or barely. Devour with extreme prejudice.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Spinach and Ricotta Pie

This is my "cheater quiche".  It's supposed to be gluten free and Atkins-friendly. If you're egg or lactose intolerant, though, this recipe is bad news.

16 oz Ricotta cheese

10 oz chopped, cooked spinach

1 cup shredded mozzarella

4 eggs, beaten

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 350F. Mix ingredients, save for Parmesan, until well-blended. Pour into greased 9 inch pie plate. Bake 30 minutes, topping with Parmesan after 20 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes after removing from oven. Cut into pie-like slices. Serves 8

[xtcfriedchicken]

All-Purpose Quickie Biscuits

2 cups flour (all purpose or self-rising)

1 cup milk

1/3 cup mayonnaise

Blend ingredients thoroughly. Fold in any desired flavoring (cheese, garlic, parsley, and oregano for a Dead Robster biccie knock off), and pour into muffin tins. Bake at 350F for 15-20 minutes

[xtcfriedchicken]

Suspiciously Good Sauce

2 small cans tomato sauce

onion powder

garlic salt

olive oil

ground garlic

Italian seasoning

black pepper

splash of Johnny Walker

Combine ingredients and simmer until thickened. Serve over pasta or bread. 

[xtcfriedchicken]

Brownie Pie

2 eggs

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup flour

1/2 cup butter (softened)

4 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon salt

Combine ingredients and beat until smooth. Bake in greased glass pie plate or cake pan at 325 F for 30 minutes. Allow to cool partially before serving.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Basic Pizza Crust

1 cup warm water

1 tablespoon white sugar

`3 tablespoons olive oil

1 pack active dry yeast

1 teaspoon salt

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour

desired herbs and spices (oregano, garlic, black pepper)

Dissolve sugar and yeast in warm water. Add oil and sugar.  Stir in flour and herbs/spices until well-blended. Let rest for 10 minutes. Fold in cheese if desired.

Press into pan, prick with fork all over and place under broiler for 3-5 minutes. Add sauce and toppings, and bake at 425F for 15-20 minutes.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Playful Pound Cake/Cupcake recipe with cream cheese frosting

3 cups sugar

3 sticks margarine

6 eggs

3 cups flour

3/4 cup soda of your choice (for light sodas, proceed. for dark sodas, add 3 tablespoons of cocoa powder)

Cream sugar and margarine until smooth. Beat in 1 egg at a time. Stirin flour. Pour in soda, and stir until smooth. 

Preheat oven to 325. Pour batter into lined muffin pan or greased cake pans.  Prepare icing.

3/4 package of cream cheese (softened)

1/2 cup Cool Whip

1/4 cup sugar

Beat mercilessly, preferably with an electric mixer.

Bake cake/cupcakes for 25-40 minutes. Test with knife at 20,30 and 40 minutes until you get to know your oven.

Let cake/cupcakes cool completely. Frost.

For 6 cupcakes, divide recipe by 3. 

[xtcfriedchicken]

Shrimp Salad

1 pound cooked shrimp (peeled and deveined)

1/2 cup mayonnaise

1/3 cup chopped celery

1/3 cup green onions

Old Bay seasoning (to taste)

splash of lemon juice

splash of Worcestershire sauce

Cut shrimp in half and place in a bowl. Set aside. Combine the remainder of ingredients. Add shrimp and coat well. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour unless all ingredients are chilled.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Graham Cracker Pralines aka "Stoner Bait"

1 box graham crackers

2 sticks butter

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

chocolate chips

Heat oven to 350. Bring butter and brown sugar to a boil in a heavy pot. Add vanilla extract, and stir until sticky. Spread graham crackers on a jelly roll pan (the kind with a little wall/lip) lined with foil. Pour caramel mixture over graham crackers. Place in oven for 10 minutes.  Add chocolate and spread. If chocolate will not spread well, return to oven for a few moments. When sufficiently covered, place in freezer. Allow to set for 20 minutes.  Bang against counter or use a heavy knife to cut into pieces. 

[xtcfriedchicken]

Orange-Chili Chicken Breasts

4 boneless chicken breast halves

salt

freshly ground pepper

1/4 cup orange juice

1 tablespoon canola oil

1 tablespoon chili powder

1 clove pressed garlic.

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Sprinkle chicken breasts with salt and pepper. In a large resealable plastic bag, mix juice, oil, chili powder, garlic, and cayenne pepper. Add chicken and toss to coat.

Heat broiler. Position broiler rack 6 inches from heat source. Broil chicken 12-15 minutes.

[xtcfriedchicken]

Mass Update

There should be a mass update coming soon. Commentary will be sparse, but recipes will abound! I have my beloved cookbook of strangeness once again, and want to share ALL THE THINGS. You will be subjected to my chili recipe. I am not responsible for any addictions, adventures, culinary abortions, etc. that arise from attempts at that recipe. 

My instructions may be a little lighter on the snark, or a little funnier. I can't tell sometimes.