The Psych Geek Fights Cancer

I have been diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. I am facing double mastectomy & reconstruction in early September. These are some of the emotions I've been processing.

[xxlukita88]

BREAKING NEWS: Nearly lost forever ‘Tay-Tay’ was found and rescued, at the hospital just in the nick of time.  Go boyfriend! For the post-op win. It was the most dramatic of reunions I assure you. When I’ve felt strong, she’s still given me the space to grieve. “The Breast is Yet to Come” she tells me. I think so too, Tay-Tay.

[xxlukita88]

What's it like receiving a masectomy?

Hey! My surgery date was actually moved to September 6th. So I will let you know! Just prepping now 💪🏻💪🏽💪🏿 More blogging to come 💙

[xxlukita88]

Realizing that cancer is not always a clear cut issue, as in much of life, sometimes there is no right or wrong; rather, endless shades of grey.  Although the advancements in medicine are wonderful, there are yet many unknowns, mysteries.  And sometimes when it comes to treatment decisions, you have to trust your gut, lean on your own inner wisdom at the end of the day, to discern the nuances, and paths you’ve yet to walk.

[stand-up-gifs]

Tig Notaro (x)

[xxlukita88]

This made my friend think of me a year ago, and I’m so glad it popped up on her memory feed to share with me today.  Running themes.  #unapologetic

[xxlukita88]

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3!  Who knew Grandpa's retired hospital bed would come to such great use.  No longer taking blame as the faulted "eyesore" of the living room.  No hospital bed, now you are So. Much. More.

[xxlukita88]

REMINDER: I give myself permission to feel ALL my feelings, both the dark and the light.  Knowing, even though I am resilient and fully capable, I don’t always have to be strong.  Like the song we sing to the kids “It’s ok to cry, crying gets the mad out of you…”  Giving myself permission to face my roller coaster of emotions that come to visit, then releasing them on the wind.

[xxlukita88]

(3/3)  As they talked over me, like angels speaking a truth I couldn’t see giving me a blessing, I became increasingly uncomfortable with the attention.  I suddenly realized I didn’t want to be seen. Eyes starting to sting, I tilted my Boliviar baseball cap over my face, hiding. Accepting help and attention in light of my diagnosis can be difficult.  When I had broke the news to Kate over the phone, she wanted to come up that weekend so I wouldn’t be alone. As she made plans to visit me, saying “Either way, I’m going to make it happen!” I felt guilty, and kept checking in with her, “Are you sure?”

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What makes life a little sweeter?  Soul sisters, that will pull you out of the confusion when you’re starting to withdraw, advocating for your needs, sometimes knowing you more than you know yourself.  And friends that become family. This weekend what just what I needed.

[xxlukita88]

(2/3) But once we got into the thick of the forest with no turning back, the thrill of the outdoors turned into sudden exhaustion. Just a month ago, what would’ve given me a hiking high, now suddenly was casting the spell of a deep sleep. Still trying to move forward, light headed and dizzy, feeling my breathing turn heavy, I lost balance. As I kept apologizing, Ian and Kate reassured me, “Take your time! We have all day. We can stop as often as you need. You’ll be safe, you’re not alone, you have us”

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Finally surrendering, I sat down on a log, trying to will myself to relax and take a nap in the middle of the woods. As I closed my eyes, Kate started speaking softly, gently over me. Intuitively, without me saying anything, she knew exactly how I was feeling. “You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Your body is tired, it’s reallocating energy to fight off this deadly disease by itself. Be patient with yourself as you relearn your limitations and energy levels. We’re here for you. Stop judging yourself babe.” Ian chimed in with “This is all temporary and you will get your strength and energy back”

[xxlukita88]

(1/3) Faint, exhaustion taking over, breathing in this peaceful woodsy air, but now falling into a trance, wanting to take a nap deep in the forests of Big Basin. Pausing, sitting on an obliging log by the trail, holding my face with both hands as I close my eyes trying to nap.

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As we drove into Big Basin, I suddenly remembered high school; cross country and track years. Sure enough, out on the trail, certain bending trees looked familiar, pathways and wooden bridges I’d crossed before. Running highs running back on dirt roads singing “Just around the river bend” on mile 9. I finally had come to get the runner’s high I lost years ago with P.T. rehab, starting off exploring Blues Fusion dancing then lifting, Reggaeton Latin fusion dance, and bouldering along the river or ocean side. So cancer be damned, let’s get these last days of summer vacation in with a hike in the woods!

[xxlukita88]

When you just need a night off.  Escape to Communication Hill for the views, after double fisting Thai iced & hot tea.

[xxlukita88]

Mom welcoming Justin into the family with Chimichurri & Tart Sorbet made from homegrown plums.  Meet-cute before surgery.

[xxlukita88]

The day I got the call, I was taking care of my baby sister and had promised to take her to Panther Beach.  Being by the ocean with sis was a cathartic way for me to process in my head, while blasting music, exploring, and letting Mich do her art thing.

[xxlukita88]

Gift package from cuzzo included this gem.

[xxlukita88]

Social emotional skills, mindfulness, self regulation.  Emotional Intelligence: what I’m passionate about teaching, fostering in the early years, and geek out on discussing with friends.  But it’s always been challenging to love myself the way I’ve learned to love others.  Ego States.  What would teacher Ariana say?  What would therapist/friend Ariana say?  Now I return to self-love, my values.  Gifts of curiosity, intellect, and wonder have been passed down to me by my mother and grandmother, it’s the way I was raised.  Along with the lessons I’ve learned, values, ideas, fire and humor that have come out of my trauma and healing- the wisdom that can come from growing up: my communication style and beliefs have influence and history, being well thought out.  

Communication, openness and expressing the value inherent in every person you come into contact with- it’s an art form.  And I am a passionate, if imperfect student.  So now I need to take this time to return to self, using all I have.  To envision to dream of a future, of the light, of a path of healing continuing to unfold, connection.  There are seeds within I need to plant and tend to, just the way I would a child, a loved one.  Especially now, I need to walk into surgery and these next steps knowing that regardless of any struggle or outcome, the Light will carry me through.

[xxlukita88]

When I fall asleep I blissfully forget I have cancer.  Then I awake, and I am shocked each time, in quiet stillness, this sort of nightmare envelops me in it’s awareness, no I’m not dreaming anymore.  I have to relearn the reality of my condition each morning.  Sometimes at night I hold my breasts gently, looking down while whispering, “I’m sorry.”  Throughout this process I disassociate, it still doesn’t seem quite real.  They caught it early, despite the new MRI findings of more abnormalities that could mean more cancer, I should be fine.  

In many ways, I’ve been positive, surprisingly calm when breaking the news to friends and family.  Logical, matter of fact, not skipping a beat.  But in the moments I’m alone, I can withdraw, shut down, mad, tears coming to my eyes.  Brief, passing and rare, these moments I don’t show when I’m with friends or family.  Finally for the first time I’ve started to feel less shame for my fear, anger and sadness.  I’m grappling with accepting that every emotion is valid, normal, that it is not logical to judge myself for the feelings that come with my early stage diagnosis.  I picture a loved one standing next to me, would I shame her for her feelings?