Here lies all my truths.

[xxxxroku]

I've spent enough time being stoic and being pragmatic. I forgot how to write about anything. I have known sadness and hope, I have known what it is like to be loved.

I think I've spent enough time waking up without feeling down or feeling lost. I haven't allowed myself to feel everything all at once.

Why should I be that kind of person?

"I want to be kind and I want to pour my heart out in everything that makes me feel that I am here and I am still that person who looks up to the sky and see the birds flying because they're free even if they're chained in the skies"

— A Decade, at last.

[xxxxroku]

I feel like I should be somewhere doing something else but here I am with my old ways.

"It gets better till it doesn't".

[xxxxroku]

"I want to get out. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I am losing my interest in everything. I like myself before this, now I don't know anymore".

[xxxxroku]

What does it feel like knowing you're not a part of someone's future?

"It feels like you'll never know which way to go and all you can do is look forward for that heartbreaking moment of parting ways".

[xxxxroku]

Who decides for you to live everyday?

[xxxxroku]

I didn't do anything. I wither, and wither, and wither till my color fades. I am gray and brittle. Just like that. This is what I have become.

[xxxxroku]

If someone made you think that you're hard to understand. Maybe you should've let yourself be more open even though it means to be vulnerable. If someone made you think again that you're hard to understand after opening up. Maybe you should start walking away even though it means losing someone.

[xxxxroku]

Dear R;

I have decided to cut off a person in my life, no matter how hard it is. Sometimes it eats me up when I think about the past and it's happening again to me. Good thing is I learned how to walk away from it without regretting it in the end. I guess this is how things goes for me. I'll never allow myself to lose from people who doesn't take me seriously. I'd rather burn the bridge and watch the smoke disappear than be on fire.

[xxxxroku]

I deserve honesty and clarity and I am not getting it. I have had enough of this. It's pointless to put an effort and make time for something that already broke your trust.

[xxxxroku]

Torn between I don't deserve this but I want to dig in deep and be loving and kind. This is a curse.

[xxxxroku]

I am that person who couldn't make it. I am that person who couldn't love life.

[xxxxroku]

“And I fell in love with the silence of the night. A harvest moon appeared, the clearest skies I’ve seen for a very long time. I thought of the stars and the lives I could’ve walked on with. Different lives, same name. Different places, same sounds. I wrote a song that says people are not always fire, then I slowly burn like this cigarette between my fingers. The passing of time, the birds who are chained in the sky, the planes that flew over my head. I think of freedom the most, on why I am so obsessed with the idea of not belonging to anything or anyone. The price of rebellion, a revolution that I wished for - it’s all in my head, in the smoke, in the oddest hour of time. Run, run, run. Someone told me not to. That before I fell in love with the night I already know how to escape. That before I knew that I am already running away from being chained, I am losing the idea of being loved”.

— Sleep all you can.

[xxxxroku]

“I can’t contain what I feel so I will let a part of myself die”.

Which part of yourself should die?

“The part where most of my beliefs about love exist”.

Ah love it is, the part of yourself that has been kept hidden for a very long time. It would be a thrill for you dreary dreamer to let it die and replace with something better than what you had”.

“Did I ever had one?”

Yes you did, you just don’t know it for sure. You don’t know anything at all don’t you? It’s because there’s only black and white in your mind, let color get through you. 

[xxxxroku]

I am all the people that I haven't met

[xxxxroku]

Dear R;

I am a piece of shit.

[xxxxroku]

“All I want right now is to make a difference and change people’s lives. Then disappear like I’ve never been here before”.

[xxxxroku]

Dear R;

     The past month has been so hard for me and I know I am not the only person who feels the same. My friends are so fucked up too that I don’t know how I can help. A good man died, the kindest and loveliest person in my life cried, and most of the people around me are trying really hard to keep up. Does it really need to be like this? It seems like my life has been a series of heart-breaking silences that I ignore most of the time and the only way that I can acknowledge it is to allow myself to feel everything at once. You know I can’t do it without thinking about the repercussions. Right now I just want to fade away like the dreams that I remember the moment that I wake up and when I set my foot on the floor they slowly disappear. That no matter how hard I try to remember them, I just can’t.