Loneliness, Social Anxiety, and Uncertainty.
I woke up today, laying in bed for like, maybe 4 hours on my phone.
I got up and took a shower and went back to bed.
I've had a sip of milk and m&ms to eat and it's almost evening.
But yeah, I've spent the last like, 2 hours, maybe, just listening to music.
A lot of slowcore like duster n stuff; heavy ambient tracks from people like noem, limly or forlorn, or limly; all the lo-fi bedroom emo stuff from people like loser_thereom; and more.
I rarely listen to emotionally heavy music, and try to avoid it in the first place, so I don't like, bedrot. But today, I did just that, and it got me thinking, worrying, and dreading.
I'm alone and lonely, and those are two different things-- hence them being two different terms. They shouldn't be loosely throw together.
So, being alone, that in itself is completely alright! You don't need to be submerged in company during every hours of the day. Spending time alone is good for you, you can focus more on hobbies, take care of needs and indulge in wants, and such'n'such. Being alone is also generally peaceful, that is, until it starts to boil into a stone-cold loneliness.
I'm alone pretty often. Sure I have family, though, I'm not as close as one would usually be. If I had a-- idk, caring/functional parents, I might not even be here brain dumping.
Anyways, yeah, even though I live with my family, I still feel this loneliness. On top of that, I literally have no irl friends whatsoever. I've grown too socially anxious and introverted, some might say anti-social.. But, I do have very few online friends-- like, maybe 5-ish I genuinely trust, trust more than my own family.
Being online, it becomes so much easier to express myself. I haven't came out to my family, and I won't even say yet, I don't think I ever will-- nor I should, at least for as long as I live under my parents' roof. My Dad's big on trump and my Mom's going through medical/mental things... I'd be exiled if I came out gay, let alone being a furry.
It's certainly frustrating, but I've got 2 years 'till graduation, maybe then I'd have found a nice job and my own place to live, so I could project myself into a more-comfortable space.
Anywho! I got way off-track on the main subject--
LONELINESS!
Being lonely is so despairing-- it's unreal. You've enjoyed enough alone time, and now emotions, feelings, and your thoughts come into play, whether they boil to melancholy or sadness to the lack of, well, someone, anyone really.
This is further-amplified by the social aspect of someone.
Me, personally, as I mentioned before, I'm not exactly the most social person. Even online. And the interactions I do have-- outside of my current friends, are just awkward. I might talk to someone, have deep conversation with someone, and talk to them for two days, maybe three.. Nothing long-term, and it hurts, because it's not entirely their fault to any capacity.
My main issue is reach. Reaching out to anyone. In school, I never asked teachers for help. At home, I'm too afraid to ask my parents of anything. In the world, with strangers, I'm too shy to keep eye contact for more than a second. Even with my current friends, I hardly ever initiate things.
Aside from overdosing off a sativa gummy last year, trying a buzz ball and a vape in middle school... I'm sober and clean. I've never had any professional help, like therapy or anything-- nor have I made the effort to seek such or let my turmoil be known in the first place.
My parents are too surface-level when it comes to trying to crack the nut of my consciousness-- or whatever. I should be able to pour everything out in front of my parents. I should be able to tell them my experiences and such. But I don't, and I don't want to.
I overthink my social life all the time. Sometimes I don't care, other times I'm not as generous to myself. So, I punish myself with self-targeted insults that relish within the rot of loath.
I don't know if anyone will really care to read this, but I could be wrong.
If you do, then thank you for reading my little rant. It felt somewhat relieving some of this stuff out.
If you're super lonely or anything like that, maybe reach out to me? I'm usually not too busy, and I'm stranded in Atlanta right now, so it'd be nice to have someone to talk to on a more-personal level about stuff like this-- and even beyond just gloomy talk.
I don't really care if you're dry at first, we could come up with some whack-ass icebreaker or something...
But yeah, if you do want to reach out to me, then feel free to!
I would prefer Discord, as I'm a chronically online teen, so, yeah! My username is xylofown
If you're on Instagram, or would just prefer it more, then my @ is xylofownn
If you choose to just follow or like or whatever for now-- then that's totally cool too!
If you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. I'm a safe space :3
That's it for now, I'm not sure how often I will check this account or be active in general, but yeah... Have a good one, stay safe!
-sincerely, xylo <3
here's some cool art, by purrowan on twitter, to sorta lighten the mood