New Kyle! It's been so long and he's basically been pulling at my sleeve to write for him recently! I just love him so much <3
“Smile and wave, darlin’, smile and wave.”
You’re about to hyperventilate and flail about like a fish out of water is what you are. Smile and wave, my foot. Stupid ass Kyle and his stupid ass tux and his stupid ass bakery and his stupid ahh-
Where did he even get that thing?! Do they make tuxes for men the size of barns?! It’s not even bursting at the seams anywhere!
And you checked! By God, you checked. His biceps are outlined, yet perfectly contained. The middle seam down that wall he calls a back is intact. The inseams on his thighs are-
You need to stop.
You feel sweat dripping down your temples and your back. Your palms are clammier than a seaside resort’s buffet.
The first thing you saw when you opened the door when Kyle picked you up some half an hour ago was a pair of huge black plastic beady eyes. On a gigantic fluffy white head. A bouquet of red roses right underneath said head, grasped between fluffy white paws.
Kyle managed to find a bear plushie big enough to actually disappear behind. And made the bear hold a bouquet of roses you’re pretty sure nobody made a vase big enough for.
When he shimmied into your apartment, which was a feat in and of itself, with the ursine and the roses and your cluttered entryway and your two left feet and you finally saw his face, he was beaming down at you:
“We match.”
It took you a while. The vague sheen of all that black on black fabric covering his chest, the way his hair was combed into a neat bun with two stylish strands framing his face and the way he smelled of freshly applied aftershave, the gold chain peeking out beneath those few undone buttons on his shirt… it all distracted you out of coherent speech and reasonable thought, apparently.
“Uhhh…”
“Your dress.” Kyle pointed between you with one hand, the bear and the flowers still in his other, sidled against his hip.
Then you noticed his pocket square. The exact same shade as your dress.
“How did you know?” You finally manage, forcing yourself to avert your gaze from what little (and too much!) you can see of his bare chest.
“Soulmates always know, what kind of husband would I be if I didn’t?”
He’s still grinning as his dress shoes click against your floor and he deposits the bear on your small sofa. It dwarfs it. He then hands you the flowers like you’re winning a beauty contest:
“For you, wifey.”
“You really didn’t have to, nobody ever-”
“That’s because you’ve been dating schmucks. I’ll buy you a plushie managerie if you’d like, fill this whole place up until it’s unliveable and you have to move in with me because you can’t get through all the bears and rabbits and beavers and otters.”
“And raccoons.”
“Goes without saying, raccoons.” Kyle nods serenely.
“So, we’re dating?” You’ll probably be kicking the air the rest of the night once you come home when you think of how embarrassing this question was.
“Haven’t we been dating for a while now?”
And of course he will deny it and- Wait, what?
“Wait, what?”
Kyle takes it upon himself to start opening your cabinets, presumably looking for a vase for the flowers. Good luck. Which flower shop did he sell out anyway?!
“C’mon darlin’, stop teasin’; what do you think we’ve been doing so far?”
“F-friends?”
“Ouch. Friendzoning me when I look this cunty for you? Cold. Just frigid. Where do you keep your vases, how do you not have…”
He trails off, bending over to look under your sink. You avert your gaze because you’re starting to feel your ears heat up. Why does this man bend over around you so much!? Doesn’t he know what his ass looks like?! That’s just inconsiderate and rude!
Kyle finally produces that dusty continuous kombucha jar you bought years ago when you gaslit yourself into liking kombucha for a few weeks.
“Darlin’... seriously. I’ll buy you a vase fit for my bouquets, this is ridiculous.”
He fills the thing with water at the kitchen sink and unwraps the flowers to shimmy it in.
“Well nobody forced you to buy the biggest bouquet you could find!”
“True. I wanted to. Will do it again. Now, what’s that thing about us being friends? Care to elaborate on that?”
You stammer. You jingle your bracelets as you fidget. You shift your weight from foot to foot, still in house slippers. He just pulls out a pair of kitchen shears out of your drawer, eyes them critically like they wronged him, but then starts using them to shorten the rose stems.
“Well, I thought… I mean, you never specifically said… You never kissed me! How do people date without even kissing?!”
He hums thoughtfully.
“Maybe I was waiting for you to kiss me, darlin’.”
“Why would you do that?!”
“Because you clearly want to.”
“Says who?”
“Says the way you stare at me like you want to eat me. Pretty much all the time. Not complaining one bit, just so you know. I just thought it would be fun to see when you will finally muster up the courage to act on it.”
The ground should open up right this instant. Swallow you whole. Or a comet should crash through your apartment window and blow you to smithereens.
“Kyle!” you all but stomp your foot in indignation and red, hot embarrassment. You can’t even tell him that he’s wrong. But must he be calling you out like this?!
“And what about you? You pull me onto your lap and you crowd me against walls and you keep picking me up, what does that say about you?!”
“That I like you and I’m making it easier for you to kiss me without a ladder?”
Well that’s just great. The only person with even an ounce of self-consciousness in this room is you. Wonderful.
Finally satisfied with how the flower arrangement turned out, Kyle then spots your sandals against the wall in the entryway.
“Oh these are lovely. Let’s get you in them. Sit down over there.”
He’s picked up the sandals before you even have a chance to protest. They’re strappy heels and you know they’re gonna take forever to lace up properly. And yet you obediently sit on the ottoman he pointed out and Kyle is on one knee in front of you before you know it, sliding the slippers off and placing your feet into the heels, starting to nimbly lace them up.
“Love the pedicure, darlin’. You do have such cute little toes.”
“Do you have a thing for feet?”
Will you ever stop blurting out stupid shit?!
“I have a thing for you.”
He wiggles his eyebrows at you, fingers never stopping his work on the long leather laces. Once he ties the bows and gives you a hand so you can stand up, you’re shocked that the laces don’t seem to slide down your calves at all the way they always do when you do them.
“How many girls’ sandals have you tied? Where did you learn this?”
“None, I can’t find my size in women’s footwear.” He grins as he stands up himself:
“Tied a bunch of gladiator sandals back in my old LARPing days, though. Same principle if you don’t want to eat dust tripping over undone laces. It’s not fun, happened to my buddy Perty once or twice or seven times.”
He even grabs your purse for you and hands it over.
As you lock the apartment door behind the two of you once you finally leave, the air in the hallway doesn’t seem any easier to breathe in. He holds your hand down the stairs, slowing down considerably for your heeled sake.
There’s a black Cadillac Escalade in front of your building and Kyle opens its door for you before he gets into the driver’s seat. You can’t even admire the leather interior or the petrichor fragrance of the air freshener before he’s backing out of the parking lot with an arm over your backrest as he looks back and you squeeze your eyes shut as you try to take deep breaths.
“So, what will the story be? I bought rings, do we say we’re married?”
“You bought… what?!”
“They’re not real gold, just gold plated surgical steel, but will fool anyone, don’t worry.”
“You’re really committed to the bit, huh, Kyle?”
“It’s fun!” He defends as the car breezes through the street, the faint glow of navigation from his phone screen illuminating his face in pale blue hues.
“I think we’ll get caught in under two minutes and then it will just be embarrassing.”
He huffs in mock annoyance, shaking his head:
“Fine then, you unwhimsical dud. We’ll just be boyfriend and girlfriend. That’s not a lie anyway.”
You shimmy in your seat with the sudden feeling of your skin being too tight to contain you.
“We’re bo-”
“Yes we are.”
“Excuse me, don’t I get a say in this?” You laugh nervously but you’re terrified he would change his mind or say he was just joking. How cruel would that be?!
“You got a say and you didn’t want to be my fake wife. You think I’m dumb enough to let you have a say in this and have you refuse to be my real girlfriend? Think again.”
“Smile and wave, darlin’, smile and wave.”
The venue is packed. You never expected so many of your schoolmates to actually show up at the reunion this many years since graduation. You thought people stopped caring about these things as the years went on. But clearly you cared enough to bring a fake husband that turned out to somehow become a real boyfriend.
Boyfriend. He really brute forced his way into it, huh. And you were really happy he did, which was an even bigger huh. Had anyone told you how giddy you would be for a man who was this bold and presumptuous, you’d have laughed in their face. Except all his presumptions have been correct and you wanted Kyle so badly that you cried the previous week when you heard a female voice in the hallway, giggling at something he grumbled in that raspy voice of his.
It turned out it was a Door Dasher, he made a joke, and you were PMSing. But the thought of another girl laughing at his joke did rattle you which could only mean one thing.
Kyle was about to be subjected to a Jealous Girlfriend experience.
Which, tonight, of all nights, was a disaster. He was in a tuxedo and smelling so good, for fuck’s sake! Every bitch here is gonna want a piece of him or stare at him like you do and what if he thinks one of them is prettier than you and-
You hear your name dragged out in a high-pitched sound of elation. You know that sound. You know that voice. Oh no.
“I can’t believe my eyes! I never thought I’d see you at one of these!”
Olivia Roberts barely changed. Her makeup is less stark and her hair is shorter than back in high school, but this is still Prom Queen Olivia Roberts. Tall, fit, leggy, beautiful. What a cliche.
You never liked Olivia very much, go figure. You have a feeling you’re about to like her even less very very soon, because she’s eyeing Kyle up and down in a way that’s anything but subtle. She even smiles. At YOUR Kyle. She’s catching hands and you’re leaving with some extensions as trophies, it seems. Or maybe handcuffed. You hoped that would be something that would happen later, at home. Alas.
“Is this your date?” Olivia inquires, still smiling, full teeth.
“I’m her boyfriend. Kyle.” Kyle nods, his palm securely on the small of your back. You notice he doesn’t offer his hand to shake hers.
“Boyfriend huh?” Olivia somehow seems extremely satisfied with this piece of information. It looks weird, her smile broadens and you didn’t think it had any room to.
“My husband just went to get us drinks, I’m hoping you guys can meet him in a few. We almost didn’t come, finding a sitter for the twins has been… an ordeal.” She sighs dramatically but her smile is still plastered on:
“But I’m glad we did come, it’s been so long since I saw you last, girl! What was it, that time we ran into each other at that college internship interview?”
You remember it well. You didn’t get that internship and you never wanted to know who did because you didn’t need more reasons to be jealous of Olivia.
“You look amazing, by the way. Hitting the gym?”
You’re not and you’re pretty sure she knows it too. You have a feeling it’s all too obvious, especially standing next to someone like her.
“I take it you two were classmates?” Kyle must feel how tense you are and he smoothly segues.
“Oh yes.” Olivia nods: “But we didn’t share too many classes or extracurriculars really. I was so busy with cheer practice all year every year that I barely even remember anymore! You did chess club, right?”
No, you were in charge of the school paper. And she surely must remember as much, you covered her stupid cheerleading too.
“School paper.”
“Ah, right! Of course!” Olivia pretends to smack her forehead as she giggles, way too loudly. She then flits her gaze between you and Kyle and you have a sinking feeling that you will not like whatever she asks next:
“So, how did you two meet? You look like a new couple, you have that honeymoon phase energy!”
“We’re neighbors.” You say simply. She must be thinking how there is no way a mousy scribbler like you bagged a man as handsome and cool as Kyle.
“Oh how convenient!” She laughs like you told a joke.
“Well, anyway, you look so cute together. Let me go find Gary so you can meet him, I’m just hoping he doesn’t get a call from the hospital again. I’m telling you, it cuts so many outings short! I’ll catch you guys later!”
She hastily leaves, kitten heels clicking across the tiled venue floor as she gives you a small wave.
You’re half-concerned to look up at Kyle just in case he’s looking after her.
“What a bitch.” He mutters and your jaw nearly hits the floor.
“W-what?” Olivia was as nice as she always was, it was probably your self-consciousness and jealousy of her that made you feel so small when talking to her. But you never expected anyone else to view her as a bitch.
He huffs through his nostrils, and you look up at him. He looks annoyed:
“She’s time-efficient, though, bragging about cheerleading and a doctor husband in under two minutes. Not as good at fake politeness as Fulgrim, but still.”
“Who’s Fulgrim? And what do you mean fake politeness?”
“Fulgrim is a man whose parents did gentle parenting and it shows. And come on, you can’t tell me you don’t see it? Alright, let’s make a bet. She’s gonna drag Gary over, he’s gonna have golf as a hobby that he never gets to enjoy because he’s so busy being a surgeon or whatever, you’ll hear about at least one luxury vacation they took, her twins are geniuses, and she’s gonna be concerned you’re not married. Bonus points if she remarks how your job must be very demanding and tiring. I told you we should have been married tonight. You want me to talk about my stock portfolio? It’s gonna enrage both her and Gary.” |
“You have a stock portfolio? You know what, nevermind.”
You see Olivia approaching again, waving you over:
“I just realized most of the girls from our class are at that table over there, Tanya just invited us to join them, come on, we can all catch up!”
You regret ever coming here. Why did you ever think this was a good idea?!
Human: For the last time, buddy, you don't need a ouija board, we have ghosts at home!
Thousand Son: 😡
Human, trying to sleep that night: ...
Pink Horror that the Thousand Son coaxed out of Top Hat to tickle human's feet: Huehuehue
Human: *sprays Pink Horror with a water bottle without opening their eyes* Buddy, keep that up and I won't take you to the Magician Convention next weekend!
Human: *enters bedroom, finds Thousand Son on the bed wrapped in human's sheet masks like a burrito, with a toner pad over his face, a red light mask propped on Top Hat shining on him like a tanning bed*
Human: ???
Thousand Son: *points at laptop on the desk*
Human: *sees a video essay about how crusty and dusty Thousand Sons are*
Human: Skincare is expensive, you know. This is going out of your card deck allowance. And no more doomscrolling!
Thank you and Seth, he is adorable as always ❤️ My little guy got self-conscious because he sees too much online bashing of Tsons' appearance. He's now on a socmed diet and I'll get him into some new analog hobbies beside his magic tricks.
Human: *enters bedroom, finds Thousand Son on the bed wrapped in human's sheet masks like a burrito, with a toner pad over his face, a red light mask propped on Top Hat shining on him like a tanning bed*
Human: ???
Thousand Son: *points at laptop on the desk*
Human: *sees a video essay about how crusty and dusty Thousand Sons are*
Human: Skincare is expensive, you know. This is going out of your card deck allowance. And no more doomscrolling!
what are the best treats for each type of space marine?
I’ll have to do some googling because this is a Night Lord rescue and outside of like. Three Sanguini and a Raven Guard I do not have much experience with the treat habits of other Legions/Chapters
Dark Angels - Google says they like earthier treats like nut bars or those kinds of dense fruit bars
Emperor’s Children - They seem to be happy with anything of quality, sweet or savory
Iron Warriors - Not especially food motivated it seems, happier when offered materials to work with
White Scars - Lots of people on the internet seem to think they really love energy drinks, I can’t see how healthy that is for them but I’ll take the White Scars owners word for it
Space Wolves - Meat boyssss, I know what I’m doing here with the meat boys. Apparently also like beer?
Imperial Fists - They like mints apparently?
Night Lords - OHOHO I know this one! White meat, red meat, raw meat, cooked meat, jerky, pig ears, roadkill, bones, tanned skins, leather. They’re meat boys. They love meat.
Blood Angels - Also meat boys but prefer red meat above all else.
Iron Hands - I couldn’t tell you and neither apparently could any of the Iron Hand owners that I could find online.
World Eaters - Everything and anything? They don’t seem to be particularly discerning.
Ultramarines - I’ve heard they like grapes
Death Guard - Apparently also big roadkill fans
Thousand Sons - … My sources say edible glitter but that can’t be right, surely.
Luna Wolves/Sons of Horus/Black Legion - Okay so I stumbled on a huge amount of internet discourse about what they should be called and got dragged into that and completely forgot about finding out what their favourite treats are.
Word Bearers - They like grains
Salamanders - Cooked meat boys! They love a grilled steak by the sounds of it.
Raven Guard - Really, really fond of sweet things. I have found Rushal in the pantry with his face in the kid’s cereal more times than once.
Alpha Legion - I have no idea, and neither does anyone else.
I have yet to take the pictures, but it seems Seth's favourite snack is dates, which surprised me as he usually prefers savoury snacks. Regardless, i have not attempted to feed him edible glitter so I don't know how that would go.
My little magician Thousand Son has a huge sweet tooth and he loves Reese's, but one time he got into a mystery chocolate box I got as a gift and the guessing game seemed to be the most interesting thing he ever experienced. He got to a marzipan chocolate and had an out of body experience (literally, I had to wave Top Hat around to get him to come back to himself). Just as well. I don't like the marzipan chocolates myself.
Thousand Son: *is sad*
Human: What's wrong, buddy?
Thousand Son: *pointing at video of magician getting his tricks' secrets revealed by his friend*
Human, convincingly: ... But what is he even revealing? I still don't understand the tricks!
Thousand Son: *perks up and pulls out novelty Coke bottle from Magic Hat*
Human, gleefully: Oh wow, what are you gonna do with that???
sorry for the tag @helloitsmadamehyde but I need you to know I binged Hold Me Like A Grudge in a sleepless night and you got me into warhammer so bad that i am ass deep in those 40k lore videos and the emperor would not let my soul rest until i finished these ballpoint pen doodles
yousharknotpass
stormborns
izzy806
jimmyeatworldofficial
amandla
2087
