I'm a Yandere writer, you can call me Cherry! I've been writing as a hobby for a few years and decided to make an official blog. I'll take requests and personal commissions for :
*Under-18s will be aged up and their personal lives will be adjusted accordingly if the request is a mature one*
•BNHA/MHA
•The Arcana
•Mystic Messenger
•Tokyo Ghoul
•Kakegurui
•The Vampire Diaries
•Death note
•Danganronpa (THH, goodbye despair & v3)
•Owari no Seraph / Seraph Of The End
Ask me about any other fandoms!
I will write :
•Smut
•Gore/Torture
•Crossovers
•X Reader / X Commissioner
•Dub-Con / Non-Con [Not glorifying it, just writing as a horror story]
•Most kinks (ask me if you're not sure, but it's probably a yes)
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole life (joel miller x platonic!reader)
joel miller x platonic!reader
summary: perhaps now, twenty one years later, joel finally found the courage to face his fears. aka joel finally allows himself to accept the role he has in your life.
warnings: father-figure joel miller (more like an invitation rather than warning), fluff, slight angst at times, father-daughter duo kind of moments.
words count: 9.5k
a/n: joel miller was always the coolest father but pedro's portrayal took that to a whole new level. dedicated to all the daddy issues strugglers out there (myself included). here's the dad you deserved to have.
ps: this is my first work focused solely on joel's character so be patient with me. <3
enjoy!
"and I will go if you ask me to. and I will stay if you dare."
•
You were a mission, something that was supposed to have a beginning and the end. Someone he was supposed to lead to a given location and walk away. It was supposed to be easy—that what Tess promised to Joel when she begged him to take you, fulfilling her dying wish. How easy it was for her to ask, how difficult it was for Joel to keep that promise.
There was a reason as for why was Joel so reluctant to take you—to temporarily care for you. Reason unknown to you. He was cold from the day you met him; made sure you knew all the rules and understood that whatever role you were going to assign him, he was not going to take it. After all, that was what he promised himself.
To keep his distance, to put the walls up and protect himself from the possibility of being hurt again. But you were too determined to tear them all down.
And at a certain point, he didn’t know for whom he was fighting anymore. To protect himself from you or to protect you from him? You’ve encountered things, places, people and tragedies one could only fear.
And with each strike he took, with each throat he slit before they lied their hands on you, Joel fell deeper. Into the sense of protection that was rising within him each time a danger appeared in your sight. Before he knew it, he was in the same spot he was twenty years ago.
That’s when the breaking point came. And he turned around, grabbed your hand and walked back to the only place that could’ve offered you the life you deserved. And deep down hoped Tess would’ve understood. In the end, he kept the promise—he made sure you were safe, more than that. He gave you the opportunity of the best life you could’ve had, given the fungal conditions around.
And you didn’t protest, didn’t utter a single objection. Because you would’ve followed Joel to the edge of the universe and back.
Or at least to Jackson.
You arrived at dawn, holding tightly onto his back, nearly falling asleep on the horse. The last few weeks you’ve spent outside were taking its toll on you. It was deadly cold out there with temperating falling down every second. You heard his voice, calling out your name three times before you opened your eyes. You were standing by the stables with Joel’s younger brother walking towards you.
“We’re here,” Joel whispered.
“Oh,” you yawned. “I’m sorry,” you pulled your hands away and slowly got off the horse with Tommy immediately offering his help.
“Good to see you,” he smiled politely, “both of you,” his eyes landed on his brother.
You waited outside whilst Joel and Tommy stabled the horse.
“So,” Tommy spoke again as soon as the three of you were together, “how long is it this time?”
And your eyes met with Joel. He shrugged his shoulders and briefly looked at you before his eyes met with Tommy’s again.
Joel was never good with words which you learned pretty quickly. It was all about his subtle actions—that’s how the two of you bonded. For all those days on the road and nights under the dark skies, you never led any deep conversations, instead found a comfort in each other’s presence. In your signals.
Being back in Jackson felt strange at first. Accustoming to such world after months in the wildness was odd to say the least. But it felt easier with Joel by your side—or at least, that’s what you were hoping for since he brought you here. Yet, after a few days in, you couldn’t overlook the way he was trying to distance himself from you.
First, it was about the house.
With the previous one being given to a family that recently came to Jackson, Maria and Tommy had to find a new place for you.
“I wanted you to have something of your own,” Joel admitted one night whilst the two of you were sitting in the kitchen, eating leftovers. “But Maria said they’re full right now. As soon as something opens, I will let you know… if you’d like.”
You were caught off guard by that.
There was a part of you that hoped—no, that took this as a foregone conclusion that you and Joel would be living together. You couldn’t even picture yourself being alone considering how accustomed you’ve gotten to Joel’s constant presence. In certain sense, he represented some sort of safety blanket. He was the reason you came to Jackson in the first place.
Perhaps, you thought, now that his job was done, he might have thought that the two of you should go your separate ways. At the end of the day, he wasn’t your family—just someone who was promised to look after you.
Perhaps, you were not as significant to him as he was to you. There were too many scenarios running through your anxious mind. But you never asked.
Then, it was the patrol duty.
When Tommy showed up at your doorstep, three days after your arrival, he mentioned that kids your age were starting to learn how to shoot so they could join the junior patrol groups.
“You should go,” Joel proposed once Tommy left. “Tommy’s good with guns. You’re going to learn from the best.”
He sounded almost uninterested.
You looked up from your bowl of breakfast, hurt glancing in your eyes.
And he quickly became aware of that.
“What?” he asked and you didn’t know whether it was care or rather annoyance that you heard in his voice.
“You promised you were going to teach me how to shoot.”
There it was again in his eyes—the regret.
He thought, with genuine worry in his heart, that giving you space was what you wanted—what you deserved. Without realising he was hurting you both in the process.
Joel didn’t know how to walk in this, how to approach this new situation he found himself in. He wanted you around, he wanted to make sure were alright. But didn’t know how.
That afternoon, when you left the house to join Tommy and the rest of the kids, Joel was already gone. His brother had him signed on old kinds of duty around the settlement—giving him an opportunity to contribute. And as much as Joel complained and growled, he like the idea of being of use—being needed.
You arrived by the Tipsy Bison, joining the group of kids standing around and registered.
A young man, approximately in his early twenties looked upon the list of names he was holding before his eyes met with yours.
“You’re signed on the East Gate, Tommy’s waiting for you there,” he informed you.
You squeezed the straps of your backpack as you walked by the stables, nervously looking around. You were still trying to adjust but it felt so difficult at times, especially when you were alone. Tommy was nice, considering he most likely knew nothing about you, beside what Joel must have told him. But you didn’t felt that kind of safety you had around Joel.
Joel, who was standing three feet away from you, with riffle hanging over his shoulder.
Maybe he joined the patrol group as well, you thought as you headed towards him.
“Do you know where Tommy is?” you asked as you looked around, looking for his brother.
Joel frowned, almost offended.
“Am I not capable enough?” he mumbled playfully.
You couldn’t quite comprehend what was going on.
“What?”
Before you uttered another mumble of confusion, Joel stepped closer and handed you the riffle.
“C’mon kid, it’s gonna be dark soon.”
The gate opened and Joel headed outside the safety, with you following his steps. There was a smile on your lips as you looked up and saw him, already explaining the route you were going to take—the high spots you were searching for. This was his way of apologising—his way of trying to do better.
Of making sure you knew that.
That day, you spent the whole afternoon together. What was supposed to be a regular two hour training that most kids took Joel turned into five, with the two of you coming back shortly after sundown, already past dinner time. It was the first time in a while you saw Joel genuinely laugh as he watched you struggling to reach the target.
You returned to Jackson with an empty magazine and one successful shot. But as you the two of you were walking home, side by side—it didn’t matter to you. It didn’t matter how terrible your aim was, how much of Tommy’s ammo you waisted. What mattered to you was the look in Joel's eyes, the smile on his lips he had as he was watching you.
He let his guard down, even if it was just for a second. And there he was—the Joel that was watching stars with you on the road.
It was about these moments. They meant whole world to you.
“You hungry?” he asked as you passed the dining hall.
You shook your head. “I’m alright. Besides, I think we’re already past the dinner time.”
“Are you sure? I haven’t seen you eat since breakfast,” he commented. “I could make you something at home.”
Home.
It stuck with you.
He didn’t think about it when he said that. Perhaps, that was the revelation you were waiting for. That Joel felt the same way and what you had was, indeed, a home.
Joel’s parental instincts were always there, no matter how determined he was to suppress them. Every night on the road, he stood by your side with gun in his hand, every time you fell asleep without ur blanket, Joel made sure you were tucked in. Each time he promised himself it would be the last. But always failed to do so.
Truth was, without the fear of enemies lurking in every corner and in the safety of Jackson’s settlement, it was easier to slip back into his old, fatherly habits without even realising. Only took a few weeks for Joel to accustom to this life—to having you around every day.
You sat together for breakfast every morning and met by the gates every afternoon after your assignments ended to take you for another shooting lesson.
Month later, you hit three out of six targets. Each time, he stood beside, that proud smirk on his lips. Three weeks after that, you hit five of them. That night, Joel even offered to take you to the movies as a reward for your successful lesson.
You were so excited—you wanted to join the others for so long but didn’t feel like going by yourself so having Joel propose that idea felt quite nice. But after all the training and another two hour long shooting lesson, you started to get weary. Twenty minutes into the movie, your head crashed onto Joel’s shoulder as you slowly fell asleep. His eyes landed on your sleepy face and there it was again—that smile. The one he didn’t have in a while.
Two hours later, you woke up in half empty dining hall.
“Need a hand?” you heard a familiar voice around you, mixed with laughter.
“I got it,” Joel replied.
A few seconds later, Joel’s hand caressed your cheek. “Kid?”
You quickly became aware of your pposition and immediately pulled away, despite the tiredness still wearing off.
“Shit,” you whispered, rubbing your sleepy eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Joel shook his head. “Let’s go get your jacket.”
He got up and you, still not fulling woken up, followed his steps. Joel noticed how somnolent you were, so he walked you to the door, helped you put on the your jacket, wished Maria and Tommy good night before you headed out back to your place.
You were barely seeing above your own feet, tiredness still having power over you as you struggled to keep up with Joel’s pace. Didn’t take long for him to realise that you were two feet behind. He swiftly turned around, rushing towards you.
“I’m so tired,” you yawned. “I just want to lie down.”
“Absolutely not,” Joel mumbled. “Let’s go, we’re two streets away.”
“That’s so far,” you whined. “I could just lie down right here and fall sleep.”
He couldn’t help but laugh over your statement. He stepped closer, threw his hand around your shoulder and pulled you closer to keep you warm. “Two streets and we’re home.”
There it was again.
Being too tired to notice, you paid no mind. This time it was Joel who was caught off guard by his own words. As the two you walked through the quiet streets of his brother’s settlement, it slowly dawned on him. There was no point in denying. It was a home—to you, to him. Even if he wasn’t strong enough to admit it out loud, it was your home.
Three weeks later, Jackson county was covered in snow. Due to an ongoing blizzard, all of Joel’s shooting lessons were postponed until further notice, as Maria prohibited him from taking you outside the settlement in such unpredictable conditions.
That afternoon, she showed up unannounced by the east gate—already figuring out your and Joel’s teaching schedule. To keep the two of you busy, she signed you to decoration duty instead.
As the holiday season was slowly approaching, the whole settlement was getting ready.
Joel’s disgruntlement over her orders couldn’t be more obvious. But he swallowed his need to object and accepted the orders, leaving you in Maria’s hands.
“I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t like those little trips of yours,” Maria admitted whilst the two of you were scavenging the decorations for the Christmas tree Tommy, Joel and other men were putting up.
You shrugged your shoulders, “We’re not going that far. Just around the settlement.”
“Why can’t you just go with the other kids at school?” she asked.
“Don’t you always say that we should only head out there with those we trust?”
She saw the look in your eyes and knew there was no need to say anything more. You knew she meant well—Maria wanted you to adjust to this place, to make friends of your own age. But she was also aware of the fact that separating you from Joel would do more harm than good. She did not agree with most of his actions but still respected that man. After all, he was her family.
That day, you got there late. Joel was already back, sitting in the living room with book in his lap. As interesting as the crime thriller could have been, Joel’s attention was elsewhere. Sitting in an old chair by the window, he was impatiently waiting for your arrival. It was shortly after nine when you came. As soon as he saw you on the porch, he grabbed the book, suddenly finding interest in every line.
You entered the dark hall, seeing the only source of light coming from the living room. That’s when Joel finally looked up, seeing you standing there with snowflakes in your hair.
“Hey, didn’t hear you coming,” he greeted you, closing the book. “How was your decorating duty?”
“How was yours?” you mumbled sarcastically, ready to roll your eyes.
Joel chuckled over your reaction. “Fair enough.”
For a second, the awkward silence crept in until Joel spoke again.
“I grabbed you some food on the way back,” he announced. “Left it in the fridge for you.”
“Oh… thanks,” you whispered, quite taken aback by that gesture. “But uh, Maria took me to dinner…so.”
“It’s okay,” he shook his head.
There was a reassuring smile on his lips—even if it was for a moment.
“By the way…” Joel spoke again, sensing that you wanted to head upstairs. Once he got your attention again, he continued: “Tommy asked me today if we’d want to join him and Maria for Christmas Eve dinner next week.”
We.
You tried to hide that unexpected excitement his words left in you, yet Joel still managed to spot that glimpse of sparks in your eyes.
“It’s not mandatory, so if you don’t want—“
“No!” you interrupted him. “I mean yes… yes, we can go.”
“Oh,” he whispered, surprised by your sudden reaction. “Alright then, I’ll tell Tommy.”
After that, the awkward silence appeared again. You stood there for moment or two before Joel considered that it was time to go—he wished you good night and quietly disappeared upstairs, whilst you stayed there for another second. It was so unusual to see Joel this nervous and you wondered what could’ve been the cause of that.
With the holidays approaching, the thought of the old days was harder to avoid, especially with all those children running around. Everywhere he went, he saw her, saw the memories tied to her. It was easier to avoid those when he lived in Boston. The only haunting things were his nightmares which he usually deadened with a bottle of whisky and sack of pills. But here in Jackson, it was different. There was the glimpse of normal life—as normal as one could get in such world. It was way too easy to look at those luckier than him and wonder what could been.
That could been the root of the problem as for why Joel struggled with the way he felt about you. Each time he grew closer, it frightened him. He was frightened by the idea of encountering the same pain again because he knew that this time—he couldn’t bear through. He couldn’t suffer through the loss of another daughter.
Because that's who you were for Joel.
You were his daughter. Despite the numerous times he tried to fight, despite his inability to express this, deep down, Joel knew it. Even as terrifying as it was to admit it, you were his kid. He never stopped being a dad, he was just now yours.
And when he lied awake that night, he made a decision. Maybe it was time to stop running away from it—to stop running away from you.
When you woke the next morning, something felt different. Dressed up and ready, you ran down the stairs, surprised to see what was in front of you. Lighted and decorated, there was a Christmas tree standing by the fireplace. You couldn’t quite comprehend that sight.
It was barely after eight o’clock. You couldn’t help but wonder when did Joel managed to do this. In the kitchen, you found a message on the table along with a piece of apple pie that he must have brought from the dining hall.
Tommy and I had to leave early,
there’s been accident at the power plant.
Maria’s going to bring you dinner tonight.
We should be back in a few
days but if not, Merry Christmas kid.
— Joel
A part of you felt saddened over the thought of Joel possibly missing the Christmas Eve. But at the same time—you couldn’t help but smile over him doing all of this before he left. Putting the Christmas tree, getting you breakfast. He wanted to make sure you would still have good time, despite him missing it.
Later that day, Maria stopped by with dinner. As soon as she entered the hall, she couldn’t overlook the shining Christmas three. You two dined together in silence, washed the dishes and even offered for you to stay at their place until Joel and Tommy return. But as kind as her offer was, you politely declined. That night, you fell asleep on the couch, staring at those lights, hoping Joel was alright.
The blizzard out there wasn’t going away anytime soon. Each morning, whilst walking to your training, you couldn’t stop worrying. You knew he was more than capable of taking care of himself, yet that didn’t stop the ongoing fear that was rising within you each time you came home and he wasn’t there.
The house felt so empty without him there. Even though the two of you spend most of your time in silence or in separate rooms, you both had your comfort in each other’s presence. The idea of Joel being door away from you felt reassuring. Naively, you never thought that could change. In this sense, Jackson has softened you. Those gates around gave you sense of protection.
But he didn’t have that.
Each night, you waited. Sitting in his old chair by the window, you held your switchblade between your fingers and waited until you fell asleep. Fell asleep with a hope and woke with coldness wrapping around your body and disappointment that dawned on you when you found his room empty.
Three days before Christmas, you felt the need to express your anxiousness to Maria.
“The plant is a few of miles away. And with the snowstorm out there, it would be too dangerous to head back in such conditions,” she explained. “They’ll be back soon, you’ll see.”
You knew she was worried as well. But she did much better job at hiding it. She promised you that even if Joel and Tommy didn’t make it in time, you would still celebrate the Christmas Eve, together. And as much as you appreciated that effort—you didn’t care about celebrations of any kind. The only thing you cared about was Joel.
On twenty third of December, the clouds of fog and heavy flakes of snow finally disappeared. Yet there was no sign of Joel nor Tommy. You waited by the East Gate whole afternoon until your fingers felt numb from the coldness. You waited there until the sundown when Maria came to pick you up. You protested, begging her to let you stay up with men from the night watch.
“You’ll wait for him at home,” she insisted. “C’mon, Y/N. You’re freezing.”
But you didn’t care and she knew. But there was no point in fighting with her. You sighed, jumped down from the lookout and with disappointment hidden behind your eyes, you returned to that empty house. That night, you sat in that chair with switchblade in your hand—just like all those previous nights and waited.
On the twenty four of December, Christmas Eve, you were sitting by the kitchen table with Joel’s note in your hand.
“We should be back in a few
days but if not, Merry Christmas kid.”
The chances of Joel and Tommy returning before the Christmas dinner were slimmer with each hour that past. At noun, it was decided that small group of patrollers would head to that plant and bring them back. With the weather conditions improving, you knew there must have been a different reason as for why they were still not coming back. And Maria knew it as well, despite her best efforts to keep you calm.
“There’s Christmas dance going on at the hall tonight. We could go if you’d like,” Maria offered when the two of you met at the stables. “Or we could still make the dinner.”
“I think I’ll just stay home,” you whispered, grabbing your backpack from the floor. “I’m quite tired. And I have the kindergarten duty tomorrow, so.”
“Y/N—?”
“Just tired, really,” you interrupted her. “Don’t worry.”
“Alright then,” she sighed, not trying to persuade you. “But tomorrow—dinner at my house. No excuses, six o’clock sharp.”
You felt guilty for declining again. So this time, you agreed to her proposal. After all, you could really use a moment out of your house. Maria meant well, she cared about you and she wasn’t exactly happy with the thought of you being all alone there.
On your way back, you passed the gate again, stayed a second or two and waited. For a moment, you thought you could sneak out tonight and try bribing one of those junior patrols guys at the watch to let you sneak up there. But you knew one of them would tell and you didn’t want to cause any more unnecessary worry for Maria. She already cut you a lot of slack with all those assignments you signed yourself off of.
When the clock stroke eight, you lost all your hope that Joel could make it before midnight. But knew that he wouldn’t want you to stare out of that window forever. So you decided to stop by the Christmas dance to grab a dinner, at least. When you returned, you lit a candle and sat down by the tree. Though as much as you tried, your eyes always landed on that view.
Shortly before midnight, you headed upstairs to his bedroom. His bed has not been made since the day he left. There wasn’t much of sight of him, besides the stuff in the clothes where you were headed. You opened the wooden door and took out his old jacket. Maria forced two of you to get rid of most of your old clothes and gave you new, not ripped and stained ones, but he still kept that one jacket.
You took it off the hanger and put over your sweater. It still had it scent.
With that, you went back and with switchblade in your hand, you sat down on the stairs on the front porch. You heard the celebratory noises coming from the hall but didn’t feel the need to join. Instead, you looked up at the stars.
During one of those night out there, you told Joel how much you loved the constellations and even showed him some of them—which he found profoundly interesting, as much as he tried to tell otherwise.
There you saw it—Big Dipper. The one you showed him, the only one he managed to spot.
That’s when midnight stroke.
And tears rolled down your face. As you looked ahead and saw the darkness.
And a shadow.
Shadow of a man.
For a second, you thought you could blame it on your somnolent mind. But when your name slipped from his lips, twice, it wasn’t your imagination anymore.
It was Joel.
“Joel?” you whispered as you saw him, heading towards you.
You couldn’t quite believe it.
“Joel!” you called out, not waiting another second to rush towards him, meeting him halfway.
He was out of the darkness, standing right there in front of you.
It was him.
But the smile you had on your lips faded away the second you saw a blood seeping through the fabric on his right leg.
“Are you—“ you gasped, eyes landing on his injury.
He immediately realised where your mind went.
“No,” he reassured you, stepping closer. “It’s just an injury, a scratch. Nothing more.”
You noticed the trouble he had whilst walking.
“I still have aid kit in my backpack upstairs,” you mumbled, worried thoughts jumping from one another in your mind. “It’s not much but I can fix it. I could just go and fix it, just let me—“
“Y/N!”
His voice echoed in your ears. Suddenly, he stood right in front of you, his cold hands grabbing both of your puffy cheeks. There was one thing you had in common in that very moment. The fear that rose in both of you, the worry that was put on display when you looked into his eyes. You couldn’t hold it together anymore, despite the efforts.
“I thought,” you gasped between the sobs, “I thought you didn’t come because…”
“No,” Joel reassured you again, this time with a smile on his lips. “See? I didn’t. I’m alright, I’m alright.”
“Joel,” you whimpered, trying to comprehend what was going on.
And as he saw you, standing there in his old jacket, freezing and crying—if there were any remaining walls, they all fell down. In that moment, every single one of his parental instincts kicked the minute he pulled you into his arms.
“I’m alright, kiddo,” he whispered, caressing your hair as you cried out. “I’m alright.”
As soon as you pulled away, Joel threw his hand over your shoulder as you quickly helped him get inside. Sitting him down on the couch, you ran upstairs, throwing the backpack on the bed as you impatiently took out one thing after another until you find the first aid kit. Only then you rushed downstairs, fix Joel’s wounds.
You almost tripped over your own feet.
He was sitting in the same spot, eyes landing on the lightened Christmas tree.
After you sewed his injury, the two of you sat there in silence. Neither of you needed the words in order to embrace the comfort you had in each other’s presence. You sat there, watching the lights until you fell asleep on his shoulder. In that moment—Joel didn’t need anything else. He was home.
“Merry Christmas, kid,” he whispered, looking down on you.
Twenty minutes past midnight, Joel made it.
But then the dawn came.
You woke up, eight hours later, finally without those worries hanging over your head. In the same spot you fell asleep, only with blanket covering your body. It was quiet, peaceful. Until you slowly awakened and your eyes landed on the wall clock above the living room dresser.
Within a second, you were up on your feet.
“Shit!” you yelled out, ignoring the possibility of Joel, still being asleep.
With tiredness wearing off, you tripped over your feet tree times, with each almost landing on your face. You quickly changed your clothes and ran back downstairs.
And there he was.
Leaning against the kitchen desk with cup of coffee in his hand, Joel couldn’t overlook the distress pictured all over you.
“Ever heard of a hairbrush?” he commented your appearance, being in the mood to have a little dig at you.
You didn’t have the time to roll your eyes over his words.
“I’m running late,” you whispered, looking around, trying to find your backpack. “I was supposed be at the kindergarten twenty minutes ago!” you cried out, stressed, trying to find your possessions. “Maria’s going to kill me. And where is that fucking thing?”
“Tried your room?” Joel proposed, visibly being amused by your current state.
“Dammit!” you yelled out, running back upstairs.
Within seconds, you were rushing back down, pushing your switchblade into your back-pocket.
“Gotta go—!” before you managed the disappear outside, Joel’s voice stopped you.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he headed towards you.
You turned from the doors, “to my assignment? I already missed most of them this week. Can’t screw this one as well.”
“Where’s your other jacket? The down one that Maria brought the other day?”
You stared at his, utterly confused over that question.
“What?” you shook your head. “What are you talking about?”
“Y/N, it’s freezing out there, you’re not going in this,” he pointed to your windbreaker.
In this moment, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.
“I don’t have time for this—“
“Y/N, this is not open for discussion,” he stepped closer. “Go and get the other jacket.”
“Joel—!”
“Now, Y/N,” he repeated, admonishing look in his eyes.
He was never more parental than in that moment as he watched you grumpily running upstairs to grab your other jacket.
You came down, clothes changed.
“Now hat, and gloves. Where are your gloves?”
“Seriously?!”
There was something unimaginably funny as he watched you losing your temper when you did a second round of running and came back, redness in your cheeks.
You put it on and looked at Joel, annoyance expressed all over your face.
“Happy?” you mumbled sarcastically, grabbing your backpack from the floor.
“That you’re not going to freeze out there? Yes, I am,” he shrugged his shoulder. “Although,” he stepped closer and pulled the zip of your down jacket up to the top. “Now, I am.”
You rolled your eyes, once again.
He couldn’t help but chuckle over that response.
“You’re warm enough?” he asked.
“I’m sweating like a pig, Joel.”
“Better than freezing, don’t you think?” he couldn’t help but have another dig at you. “If you caught cold, I would be the one running around you.”
“Well, I couldn’t rob you of your favourite I told you moment, could I?” you grinned. “Besides, with this leg… you can barely walk so I don’t know what running you’re talking about, old man.”
He bursted into laughter.
“You're such a stubborn pain the ass, you know that?” he observed between laughs.
But then it happened.
“Okay, dad.”
That one sentence that was supposed to be an innocent joke—a little dig.
Carrying little no meaning.
Until you saw how Joel’s eyes suddenly shifted. And the laughter was no longer there. The spark was gone and he stood there, quiet and frozen. Stiff and numb over your words.
It’s been more than twenty one years since he last heard that.
His heart dropped into his stomach, the world around became too heavy.
There she was, in his mind again. That day, that exact moment. His eyes landed on his watch.
He heard his name coming out of your mouth, three times before he looked up—seeing the genuine worry displayed right in front of him.
“Joel—?“
“Go,” he whispered, so coldly.
You shook your head, confused. “Joel, are you—?”
“Go,” he repeated. “Your assignment is waiting. Leave.”
You stood there for two second, before you heard him again—urging you to leave. All at once, you couldn’t recognise him. You had no idea what caused this strange reaction, but didn’t dare to ask. Instead, you obeyed. You bowed your head and walked out of your house.
Each step you take, the further you were from the house, the more guilt was rising within you. What could you have done to displease him this much?
You’ve experienced Joel’s anger a few times, while the two of you were on the road. To be honest, Joel’s patience was thin and you knew what strings to pull to get him into rage. Him yelling at you became a daily routine at one point. But you’ve never seen him like this. The stare he had, the emptiness in his eyes.
As if you were dead to him. Truth was, you would much rather had him screaming at you than being this eerily quiet.
You arrived to your assignment and quickly got to work, hoping no one would notice your delay. But even with the amount of work you had around, you couldn’t stop thinking about that odd encounter with Joel. What could’ve been that made him so upset?
Could’ve been the joke, you thought. But it was an innocent statement, with not much truth in it. Or was it? Or was it something that accidentally carried more truth that you were willing to let on? Could Joel sense that?
One too many scenarios running through your worried mind.
“Y/N?” Maria’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts.
You looked up and saw her, standing by the door.
“Hey,” you mumbled, putting the basket with toys on the floor. “What’s going on?”
“Just checking in,” she replied, smile on her lips. “I stopped by your place but forgot your had your duty today. Wanted to take Joel to infirmary but looks like you already took care of that.”
“Oh, yeah. It was nothing,” you whispered, eyes landing on the floor, the desire to avoid every conversation that included his name rising with each second. “I have a lot to finish today, so…”
“I won’t keep you any longer,” Maria laughed. “Just wanted to say that since Tommy and Joel got back in one piece, we thought we could have the Christmas dinner today. After all, the holidays are still on.”
“I don’t think Joel’s in mood for celebration of any kind,” you admitted.
“I already talked to him and he agreed.”
So maybe he managed to cool down, you thought. Or at least, you were hoping for that.
Maria stayed for a few more minutes, asking you to come earlier tonight to help prepare the dinner. She freed you from your afternoon assignments to have enough time to change and get ready. You stayed at the kindergarten until one in the afternoon, then helped for two hours at the stables before you headed back to your house.
You learned from her that both Tommy and Joel had a day off so part of you hoped you would run into him. But when you came, the house was empty. Joel’s backpack and gun were lying by the chair but he was nowhere to be found—as you searched every room around. You tried to not think much of that but there were still those doubts inside you.
Luckily, you were running out of time—which meant you had to hurry up and pull yourself out of your worried mind. You didn’t have any decent clothes to wear, except for the regular ones. So you just grabbed a clean sweater, pants and tied your hair up before you headed to Maria’s.
When you arrived, Maria was already cutting the vegetables in the kitchen. You let yourself in, throwing the jacket on the hanger in the hall as she called you in. It was the first time you were in their home as they mostly came to visit you and Joel. It was much bigger than what the two of you had but all those details displayed around implied that they’ve been here for quite some time. Each corner had a track of them. There were pictures on the walls, books on the coffee table with an empty cup, flower pots on the windowsill.
But what caught your attention was a board, resting on the top of the fireplace.
You didn’t mean to snoop but when you saw those names, you couldn’t look away. There were two of them, along with four dates. Took only few seconds for you to realise what this was supposed to meant.
Shivers went down your spine. Especially once you heard Maria calling you again.
“I’m sorry,” you whispered, rushing into the kitchen.
“It’s alright, just finish these carrots,” she handed you the knife. “I need to start preparing the meat.”
You took the orders without any objections.
You wondered. Were they Tommy’s or Maria’s children? Or did each belong to one of them? You wouldn’t guess the two of them to experience such loss since they’ve both seen so well put together.
But you knew yourself how easy it was to put up a believable surface. You did that after Tess’s death, despite how painful it was to lose someone so close. You didn’t have any other option. Maybe they were once in a similar position.
Eventually, every person finds a way to live with their pain. They either face it or suppress that, deep down.
You only now realised how important must have been this child to Tommy and Maria. Get a second chance in a world like this was almost a miracle.
“Tommy’s memorial caught your attention?”
Almost as if she read your mind.
You startled, nearly accidentally cutting yourself.
“I wasn’t… you mumbled, embarrassed. “I didn’t… I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright,” Maria looked up, reassuring smile on her lips.
She was kind, like always.
“I’m sorry about your kids.”
So you felt the need to let her know.
Her eyes locked with yours again, “Thank you. Although, just a kid, Kevin.”
“Oh,” you nodded. “So Sarah was Tommy’s daughter?”
“She was his niece,” Maria replied, still preparing the meet.
In that moment, the world around stopped for a second.
Tommy’s niece.
Meaning?
You had to take a deep breath.
“So, she was…” you swallowed, feeling the frog in your throat growing bigger each second.
“Joel’s daughter,” Maria finished your sentence, paying no mind to your current state.
Joel’s daughter.
Joel had a daughter. A daughter just three years younger than you.
You needed a moment to process this.
He used to be someone’s dad.
Then the last piece of the puzzle was found. And the mystery was solved.
And your shattered heart dropped into your stomach.
He used to be a dad.
Suddenly, it all made sense. Suddenly, you’ve never felt worse. For what you said, for being so cruel. All those days, all those moments, all his words—all at once it made sense. It was the last clue you needed to win the prize. Was it worth though, was the question.
“Y/N?” you heard Maria’s voice calling your name.
Three times before you looked up, still a little spaced out.
“He didn’t…” she whispered, putting two and two together. “Oh…”
“That’s alright,” you shook your head. “It’s not your fault.”
You didn’t know how to approach this newly revealed information, how to solve the problem without causing even more of them. Joel was never the most sharing individual, neither of the two of you was. Though you couldn’t blame him. He was keeping this inside of him for more than twenty years. One could one fear how difficult that must have been.
“How did it happen?” you dared to ask.
Maria looked you. She knew this wasn’t her place to talk but still gave in. “I don’t know the details. Just that it was the day of the outbreak.”
You thought there was no chance this could get any worse.
“Day after Joel’s birthday.”
Somehow it did.
And you felt even more guilty for asking these questions in the first place.
You thought of this afternoon, when you were rushing back to your house, hoping you would find Joel there. Now you were on the verge of praying to every none-existent higher power that he could change his mind and not come. You wanted to do everything you could to avoid him, out of the shame that you were feeling.
That of course, did not happened.
At half past six, Tommy arrived from Tipsy Bison with bottle of scotch and smile on his lips. He had a stitch above his eyebrows, meaning both him and Joel were involved in whatever fight that went down at power plant, probably with those raiders Maria kept mentioning. Greeting both of you, he kissed Maria on the cheek, placed on the bottle on the kitchen desk and disappeared upstairs to change his clothes.
Thirty minutes after him, Joel arrived.
You were in the middle of settling the dinner table when you heard the door slam. You paid no mind, placing the four plates on their spots. Only when you turned to get the cutlery, you saw Joel standing by the coffee table—his eyes immediately landing on you.
The fear in your face was difficult to overlook. For a second, your sight shifted from Joel to the memorial board right next to him.
For a second.
Yet he still managed to catch that.
Without a thought, you turned around and headed towards the kitchen to grab the tray with glasses and cutlery. When you came back, you saw him standing on the same spot. Only now, his full attention was directed towards that board before you caught his attention, again.
It didn’t take much for him to realise the nature of your behaviour—beside what happened this morning.
You stood there, staring at the each other. Your heart was pounding louder with each second, hands were sweating, the tray in your hands shaking. Only when Tommy’s voice called out for Joel, you looked away and went to finish your job.
Feeling even more ashamed than before, if it was still possible.
To say the dinner was awkward would have been an understatement. The four of you sat by the table in silence, with mostly Tommy or Maria leading the conversation. Their words and the conversation in general was revolving mainly around Jackson and things related to that as both of them sensed that none of you were in the mood. Maria kept checking on you—she didn’t miss how determined you were to avoid Joel’s eyes.
It was after dinner when you saw him lighten up a little. Tommy grabbed the bottle of scotch and took Joel into his little office space downstairs, right in the entrance hall. Which you and Maria used as an opportunity to wash the dishes.
You placed the dishes right next to the kitchen sink when you heard Tommy’s laugh.
“…it’s time consuming!”
Shortly, it was followed by Joel’s brief laughter. Still, it was nice to know he was easing up.
“It’s that stupid clock joke Tommy heard this morning,” Maria commented as you handed her the dishes, one by one.
There wasn’t any response coming from you. Your mind was too preoccupied for that.
And as much she didn’t want to cross the boundaries, she was worried about you.
“Joel cares about you, you know,” she spoke, snapping you out of your thoughts.
You looked up at her, handing her the plate.
“I’m not really sure about that right now,” you admitted. “Although, I couldn’t really blame him.”
“You worry too much,” Maria chuckled.
“Can you blame me?” you muttered, looking down.
“I had plenty of evidence to be confident in my previous claim.”
“Like what?” you sighed.
“A, he brought you here—“
“I saw him spare a rabbit once. So not leaving me out in the cold is not a strong argument.”
Maria chuckled again.
“He brought here and asked for the two of you to be placed together.”
Wait a minute.
You looked up once more, confused over Maria’s words.
“No,” you shook your head. “Joel said you just didn’t have any other place for me…”
“We have a few houses specifically for kids of your age. Since I knew your situation and wondered if it wouldn’t have been better to be around your peers. I offered that to Joel. But he insisted that you stay under his roof.”
That sudden new information needed a second to process.
You thought that, perhaps, he thought the two of should take your separate ways—that’s why he mentioned that you should have a place of your own. When in reality, he wanted you around. He asked to have you around.
“What’s B?”
Maria took a deep breath and placed the plate into the sink.
“It’s tough to lose a child, in any kind of world, fungal or not. And it is even harder to allow yourself to care this way again, for somebody else. Which is why you might have felt like he was pushing you away at times, maybe even right now. But despite his actions saying otherwise at times, you mean a whole world for him. You are his whole world.”
You wanted to believe every word of that statement. Because that’s what Joel was to you. After everything you’ve encountered, Joel was the closest thing to a family one could have in this world. And you wanted to believe that you carried that value for him as well.
“You just have to cut him some slack. He might be scared,” she continued.
“Scared of what?”
“Scared of having another chance to be a parent. It’s way too easy to screw that job, in every world.”
Maybe all you needed to understand Joel was one conversation with someone who was once in the same position.
Suddenly, each attribute of Joel’s personality, each strange detail about him pulled together a one, bigger picture. Although the losses in your life might not have been as traumatic as those of Joel’s, you were starting to understand him. And deep down, hoped that you didn’t blow up all your chances to fix what you’ve broken.
That evening, you headed home first. After you helped Maria clean everything, you asked her to tell Joel that you were tired and left early. Even though there was a part of you, wanting to run after him and apologise, you couldn’t do it. Once you heard his laugh, you knew you owed him a moment of peace. Your conversation could wait for another day or two.
It was first time since this morning there was even the slightest amusement on his face. Could’ve been the simple stupidity of that joke, the bizarreness that somehow made him chuckle. He stood there, leaning against the grey wall with scotch in his hand, trying so hard to suppress those laughs.
“You can laugh, it’s funny,” Tommy teased him, finishing the rest of his drink. “It’s a great joke.”
“A really lame one,” Joel commented, squeezing the glass in his hands.
“Well, you never really had a good sense of humour so,” Tommy chuckled.
Joel shrugged his shoulders over that statement, partially agreeing before he drank the rest of his liquid courage.
It was getting late, he wanted to head home and get some rest. He handed Tommy the empty glass, patted his shoulder and gave him a fleeting smile—enough to let him know that he was thankful for the distractions. Only then he went into the living room, looking for you.
He found Maria instead.
She knew the answer he came for in the first place.
“She left a few minutes ago,” Maria answered the implied question. “But she left this in here,” she turned around and grabbed pair of green gloves. “Could you give that to her?”
Joel nodded, bitting his lower lip, slowly immersing into his thoughts.
“Well,” he snapped out his head after a second, squeezing the gloves in his hands, “I should probably go too. Thank you for the dinner, though.”
“My pleasure,” she smiled.
He knew where he was going. Yet before he made a single step, the memorial board caught his sight again. He was aware of not always being the most pleasurable human being to others around, though he always justified that by saying that he was only trying to protect himself. But when he visited today, for the first time, and saw the board—there was regret. For, maybe, being too harsh at times.
Everyone was carrying around their own kind of pain. Some were just too good at hiding it.
So before he left, he turned to Maria.
“Listen,” he cleared his throat, trying to find the right words. “About…”
She knew where he was headed. And wanted to spare him the difficulties.
“I know,” she whispered. “Me too…”
Nothing else needed to be said, they both understood.
With that, Joel grabbed the rest of his stuff and set off.
As he walked through the streets, seeing the lights hanging on the houses and snowflakes falling to the ground, his mind wondered. Towards you, towards this morning. Part of him felt guilty for pushing you away so suddenly. You must have meant it as a joke, he thought. That’s what he’s been trying to tell himself the whole day.
Yet there was a part of him. Part of him that was terrified of you, being serious with that title. Joel came to terms with the way he felt about you, with the amount of care and sense of protection he had for you. But why was the idea of you feeling the same way about him so frightening? Why was it so easy to accept you as daughter but hesitate to become your father? He was in this same position twenty one years ago. And he couldn’t promise to not fail again.
There was guilt. Guilt he was carrying around for more than twenty years. Guilt of failing, for not being the father Sarah deserved to have in that moment. And it felt selfish of him to put another child through that. Maria was right. It was scary to have another chance with something so fragile. Perhaps, he should’ve just walked away, could’ve given up.
But somehow found himself standing in front of your door. With pair of green gloves in his hands and shame in his eyes.
He knocked on the door two times to make sure you were still awake. Only when he heard your voice, he let himself in.
You were standing by your closet, carefully folding your things.
Somehow, in this moment, seeing you so accustomed this place, it made Joel happy.
Then he saw the curiousness in your eyes and panicked. For a second, he panicked, overthinking his actions.
“Maria,” he mumbled, looking for the right words, “Maria… Maria said you left this at their place,” he finished his attempted and stepped closer into the room.
Your eyes landed on the pair of gloves in Joel’s hands.
“Oh…” you raised your eyebrows. “But these… these are not mine. I gave them back to Maria weeks ago because they were too small for me…”
You stopped for a moment and realised she achieved exactly what she wanted with that gesture. And you couldn’t help but chuckle over that.
Joel, on the other hand, couldn’t ignore the embarrassment rising within him.
Quickly, you saw that. Saw him clearing his throat and placing the gloves on the edge of your bed.
He stood there, for a second or two and you wondered if, perhaps, there was more to his visit. You looked into his eyes and saw the struggle—saw how desperately he was trying to find the appropriate approach to this situation and took this as an opportunity to set things right.
“Listen,” you whispered, catching his attention. “I just…”
You both struggled with finding the right words.
Placing the clothes you were holding just a second ago onto the closet shelf, you stepped closer to him.
“I’m sorry for what I've said this morning. I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t know that—“
The shame he had in his eyes was now glancing in yours. And he saw that, saw every bit of that.
That’s why he stopped you.
“No,” he shook his head. “Y/N, please no.”
He followed your lead and stepped closer, sitting down on the edge of your bed as the frustrated sigh left his mouth.
“It’s not your fault. How could you know…”
It was the first time you saw Joel like this. It was the first you spoke of this.
There was hurt in his voice and you knew he must have been trying to suppress that for quite some time.
You quietly joined him, eyes landing on the floor.
“Maria told you?” he asked, filling up the hollow silence.
“I saw the memorial Tommy made… you probably figure the rest,” you whispered.
Joel nodded.
“Don’t be mad at her, please. I swear, if I knew… I wouldn’t—“
He finally looked into your eyes, stopping your words. “Y/N, it’s alright. I am not mad at her.”
There was a sense of relief that flew through your body.
Although, there was also one question remaining.
“What about me?” you dared to ask.
He heard the tone of your voice and saw the worry in your eyes.
There it was, the confrontation he couldn’t keep running away from. For a moment, the hollow silence returned just as your fears. In the same exact moment that Joel finally decided to face his.
“If you think about me this way, if you feel about me this way… then I don’t… I don’t mind if you want to call me that.”
That certainly was not what you were expecting.
But it turned out to be better.
“I’m trying to say that even though I can’t promise you that I’m worthy of that title… if you want me to have that role in your life…” he whispered.
“I thought you already had that,” you admitted.
The shock in his eyes was evident.
“Listen,” you whispered, turning to him. “I was on my own for most of the time before Tess finally found me and brought me to you. I’ve never had anyone like that. So I don’t have much to compare with. But if dad is supposed to be someone who makes you feel safe, who feels like home, then for me, Joel, you are worthy of that title.”
There it was. It was no longer just an assumption but a long lasting wish. He got the truth, got what he wished for and feared at the same time.
“Depends on if you want it.”
In that moment, he wanted to allow himself to want it. But in order to do that. There was one last step remaining.
Joel needed to forgive himself.
He needed to finally put down that baggage of guilt he’s been wearing around for twenty one years. He needed once and for all, stop looking behind him. And look ahead and take the opportunity the universe gave him.
Perhaps, you were what he needed to achieve that. By making sure you were safe, he would able to forgive himself for failing at that twenty one years ago. Deep down, he knew, she would never want him to wear his sadness around his neck. There would always be a part of her in Joel, nothing was going to change that. But maybe now, he was finally able to make space for you, too. To be your dad.
You heard the chuckles and looked up again. And there he was, looking down at his something to fight for. His whole world.
He smiled quietly and replied, “I do, kiddo.”
And when the word left your mouth, calling him that officially for the very first time, he barely managed to hold it together. Every remaining piece of his baggage disappeared, every last piece of the sadness he was wearing around his neck fell down as he finally put his guilt to rest.
And he kept the promise he gave. To both of his daughters.
one thing i love about the collector is that arkin and asa are so perfectly and evenly matched? and it's not unrealistic?
like, arkin is a convict, he's super smart and physically and mentally strong, and it's like his counterpart is asa, who is similarly intelligent and strong.
and you see both of them beat the shit out of each other at different points. they both get the best of each other when they're fuelled by anger and desperation (asa angry that arkin has killed his dog, escaped him, tried to help the others he's been torturing and stopped him from taking that little girl, arkin at the end of the collection, nearly killing asa by lighting him on fire then taking him in the box to presumably go torture then kill him)
and those scenes when they're just barely missing each other in the house in the first movie, arkin going into one room then closing the door just for asa to be opening it immediately after...literally so perfect. it's like a dance, like a hunt.
arkin has his family to live for, that's what drives him, asa is driven by the trauma of the horrific murder of his family, by his own father. i'm still mad we didn't get that third movie. i also like seeing the movies as portrayals of two different reactions to trauma. asa lashes out, turns his passion for entomology into a way to study and torture his victims. his father desecrated his family's bodies, and asa does something similar with his experiments.
the ones he collects become him- he was the only survivor of the murder of his family. they are the only survivor, too. he only takes one. he takes one to show them his pain, maybe subconsciously wanting someone to understand him. he experiments on them like his father might have on him.
arkin uses his past as a convict, having to steal to help his family, to try to help the Chase family in the first movie. despite the torment he suffers, he does agree to help find elena in the collection (and, alright, he's threatened to actually go in, but he does want to help). arkin is kind, he's gentle but he is not naïve. he knows what goes on in the hotel. arkin ends up facing his past trauma and getting the better of it. asa will not, cannot change: he is his trauma. without the collector persona, asa has nothing.
arkin is the only one that sees his face. he finds him, he knows his name, his past, where he lives. even the mercenaries that lucello brings aren't enough to catch asa. but arkin, who has seen him, who understands him to some extent, can catch him. their dynamic is so interesting to me...i wish we'd seen more of them.
being an honorary member of the firefly family would include...
-otis and baby annoying the fuck out of you. you'd never get a second to yourself if they're around.
-baby's so happy to have company, and she'll treat you just like a sibling! or, probably, nicer than a sibling. you have a very playful relationship but she's never slow to show you how much you really mean to her. you're family, and family is everything to baby.
-mama is super sweet to you, always slipping you an extra treat when she's cooking and putting your food out first. loves when you help her in the kitchen and appreciates that you're the only one besides her that can get the family into order!
-tiny and RJ looking out for you. you're a firefly, so if someone messes with you, they mess with all of you. they don't keep all those weapons for nothing.
-you'll get so many nicknames from all of the family, but notably otis, baby and spaulding. and you'll probably have to use a few aliases during your time with them. depending on how active and complicit you are in their killings, they may get you fake passports, driving licenses and an array of weapons with which to defend yourself.
-you, otis, baby and, later, foxy going on road trips! no matter how much they may grumble (not much, they don't want to irritate you) you can call shotgun. the fireflys are all secretly the most protective of you, you're their soft spot.
-god help any victims that try to poke fun at you or hurt you. they face the full wrath of the firefly family and there will be no hesitation. they'll be dealt with swiftly and painfully and you'll be attended to. family comes first, always.
-he's...he's so uncomfortable but yet so at peace when you hug him? he's not used to it, having spent most of his life locked up in an asylum. the closest contact he got was straight jackets and being manhandled by various guards.
-likes to rest his head on your shoulder, but his arms will hang by his sides unless he's in a really good mood. wordlessly opens his arms when he sees you're having a bad day and lets you cry or vent to him. he's a pretty good listener.
Baby Firefly
-loves hugs! all the time any time,at your discretion. hugs you really tightly, arms thrown around your neck, blonde curls in your face.
-she doesn't really need a reason to hug you, but when you've just barely gotten out alive, one of your escapades gone wrong, she hugs you so closely you think you might break. baby is deceptively strong.
-likes when you wrap your arms around her waist, she'll do the same to you, tucking her face into your neck. you can feel baby smile against you, happy to be in your arms.
Pinhead
-he's so stiff. it's like hugging a door. and you probably have pins sticking into you. but you'll get called an array of classic pet names and maybe get an awkward pat on the shoulder as you hug him.
-he gets used to it, and improves in time. physical affection isn't his strong point, but he tries for you, and you appreciate that. the hell priest is a romantic at heart, so his arms are open when you need him.
Brahms Heelshire
-big on hugs. along with the obligatory kisses, hugs are one of his favourite ways to express the warmth and care you have for each other. with his comfortable clothing, he's like a big teddy bear. having not received a lot of affection for a significant amount of time growing up, hugs mean a lot to him and always cheer him up.
-loves to hug you from behind unexpectedly. hearing your little gasp of surprise, then feeling you relax in his arms as he rests his head on your shoulder. he's so lucky to have you. he'll never stop telling - and showing - you that.
Arkin O'Brien
-BEST hugs. picks you up and spins you around then hugs you tightly in a greeting. he's so strong, but so gentle with you. he also deserves a lot of hugs. please hug him. he's been through a lot.
-big bear hugs that make you feel safe and cared for, and that's his goal. will open his arms for you any time his baby asks, because he's the sweetest man in the world. i just love him a lot.
Blissed out, laying his head back on the pillows and whispering telling you how gorgeous you look. He knows what to do, gently cleaning you up with a rag and replacing the steel handcuffs you use to play with your softer 'casual' pair. Hawks will tell you you're all his, and no one is going to take you away from him, and then will go into gory detail about what he'd do if anyone ever tried : this is his idea of pillow talk.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
He likes his wings, because they were something you tended to compliment. Before he...brought you home. They can cage you in until your entire world is just him. He also likes his hands, preferably around your throat, or gripping your thigh as he chases his release.
He likes your eyes, staring down into those pretty glassy doll-like eyes as he fucks you stupid. Or watching them glisten as you tear up because he's hurting you or choking you too hard. He especially likes when you cry for him.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
Probably prefers it to be on your chest or in you. There's something about how it's a way of marking you and owning you. Or in your mouth, dripping off your tongue so he can feed it back to you. No, darling, you won't be spitting it out (unless that's a hard limit). He likes to make you clean him with your tongue, lapping it all up like a good dove until he says you're done.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
He wants to make a sex tape. Sometimes he thinks it would be fun to send it to everyone who's ever tried to flirt with you, any ex or past flame, anyone who's even looked at you in that way. But he would be far too jealous and unwilling to let them see the perfection that is you when you're coming undone. He'll watch it when he's away from you, stroking himself to the memory and the sounds you make.
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
Fairly experienced, he's been around. He knows precisely which buttons to push and what gets you riled up. He's also likely been stalking you for a while so he can tailor his methods to you specifically. He's not as experienced with the emotional side of sex, so it might take some time for him to stop crying or to be able to let you free from his arms after.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
Anything where he can see your face and study your reactions. He's always looking to ensure you're alright with everything and that you aren't in any way uncomfortable.
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
Serious, this is one of the rare times where he's mostly serious. He won't be stone-faced, though, and will probably still be able to crack a few jokes to ease your worries and dissipate the tension.
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
He keeps it pretty well trimmed, with blonde wisps here and there. He's likely to go with whatever your preference is after he takes you home.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
Super intimate, extremely romantic. He's the rose petals and candles type guy. Sex is one of his favourite ways to show you how much you mean to him, and so he wants you to feel as loved and cared for as possible.
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
Not often assuming you have sex regularly. If you're not ready or just don't want to, he will but he doesn't find it as satisfying.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
Bondage. Hawks wants to have you tied up so you can't ever leave him. He's got serious trust issues and needs to know that you're safe. He also just loves how ropes look on your pretty skin, but will get the softest materials so they won't leave marks.
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
Bedroom, living room, or on rooftops. I feel like he'd have a penthouse suite and would love to fuck you right up against the window, pressed against the glass and looking down. Similarly, you can catch a great view of the sky (the only taste of being outside you're likely to get) when you're on a rooftop, his wings cocooning you to compensate for the rough surface.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
When you're fiery and passionate about something, Hawks gets riled up. He also loves when you're concerned over him, asking him if he's alright and giving him those cute doe eyes.
slashers + playing with their hair/them playing with your hair.
[including michael myers, brahms heelshire, baby firefly, doomhead]
*please correct me if anything is inaccurate, as i don't know what it's like having all hair types! everything is sfw.*
Michael Myers (Halloween)
Playing with your hair
-loves if you have more textured hair. with your permission, he will gently twist curls around his fingers, making sure not to mess it up if you've got it styled. loves box braids especially, running his hands over them and lifting individual braids up so he can admire them.
-if you hair is less curly or rather fine, he'll pick out individual strands and maybe braid or twist them together.
-he loves seeing your hair in sunlight. especially if it's so dark it may appear black, but the sun showes the brown or lighter parts. light hair in the sun also shines in a way michael adores.
Playing with his hair
-if he's comfortable enough to take off his mask, his hair is fair game, just as long as you make sure he's in the right mood to be touched.
-you'll see a rare vulnerability when you play with his hair, perched on his lap for hours [he's super strong, it literally would not hurt or annoy him at all!], carding your fingers through his hair as he stares into your eyes. the eye contact may get slightly creepy, but michael means well; he's trying to convey that he trusts you, he loves you, he's grateful for you.
Brahms Heelshire
Playing with your hair
-ok so to be honest, it'll probably be rare he does this. while he loves your hair, he's slightly intimidated at the thought of him messing it up and you getting mad at him. but i feel like brahms would love to brush or comb your hair for you, and he'd be pretty good at doing hairstyles if you teach him!
-if you've got natural kinky, 4c hair, he'd be pretty good at using the pick to style a perfect afro. if you straighten it, he's so amazed seeing its actual length, as he's not used to the shrinkage. curious about protective hairstyles, or if you wear a silk or satin cap to bed he'll ask you about it.
-he's fascinated at all the different products you may use for your hair. loves different scented shampoos and conditioners, especially apple or strawberry scents!
Playing with his hair
-likes it a lot, it calms him. when he's feeling stressed, he'll just wordlessly lay his head in your lap and only start talking to you while you mess with his curls. baby boy is so sweet during this time <3
Baby Firefly
Playing with your hair
-she loves it so much! always happy to give you attention, but it also relaxes her. baby is very energetic and this is one of the few opportunities where you'll get to see her quiet and calm. will likely incorporate it into your bedtime routine.
-baby will run her hand over your hair, whispering gentle words of affirmation to you. you'll see that her love can be quiet, too. although she'll adore and endlessly praise any complicated style you may choose for your hair, baby most loves your natural hair in whatever form, because it's the most you.
Playing with her hair
-PLEASE play with her hair. please. she'll love you so much. one of baby's favourite things about herself is the blonde curls that fall to her waist, just tempting you to reach out and test if they're as soft as they look.
-she'll lay her head in your lap and smile up at you sleepily, letting you work your magic on her hair. really likes if you style or braid her hair too! baby's always looking for new hairstyles and will proudly show off whatever look you've given her!
Doomhead
Playing with your hair
-he struggles with clear mental health issues, he's prone to violent fits of rage and playing with your hair is one of the few things that can calm him down almost instantly. it's the closeness and intimacy, stroking his hand over your hair while he holds you in his arms.
Playing with his hair
-if you catch him in a quiet moment, he'll be affectionate like he's never been before. when you're running your hands through his fine hair, he can close his eyes and whisper how much he loves you, even if he doesn't tell you that often. his walls are down, he isn't as guarded and you can see that he's at peace.
some arkin o'brien (protagonist of the collector) nsfw headcanons! (under cut)
-loves giving (& receiving) oral. could spend hours worshipping you and watching you fall apart. very skilled at it, and he's so teasing but arkin can never resist giving you what you want in the end.
-a true romantic. everything is about you, he's focused on you and will always seek to ensure your comfort. if you're trying out something new, he'll take regular breaks to check in on you and make sure you still want to keep going. excellent at reading your face and body language, stops without question if he thinks you're in any way distressed or not 100% on board with things.
-amazing stamina. can easily go 3-4 rounds with minimal breaks. and i just gotta say...he's BIG. you know it. but you could never meet anyone more gentle and understanding, he's a total sweetheart.
-wants to see your face at all times. intimacy is a big thing for him, and he lives for every reaction you give him. arkin will take note of every whine, gasp, or beg for more and feel proud that he was able to draw it out of you; but even more he'll feel blessed that you allowed him to hear you in some of your most beautiful moments.
-big on pet names in the moment. baby, darling, sweetheart, angel, honey, anything that tells you how much you mean to him. when your name falls from his lips, though, it's sinful. his accent and smooth talking can make you melt in moments, and he knows it.
-adores when you run your hands through your hair or pull it. it makes him gasp out or give that raspy chuckle that he knows you love. arkin also has a thing for you leaving scratch marks down his back, he'll proudly wear them as symbols of honour.
thinking about...slashers + collaring <3 (nsfw under cut.) including : otis driftwood, foxy coltrane, doomhead, asa emory/the collector.
Otis Driftwood
-he may not live a life of luxury but for sure he wants the best for you. if his angel asks for a collar, they'll get one.
-he's uncharacteristically nervous when presenting it to you, afraid it won't suit your taste and the moment will be ruined. luckily, of course, you're delighted and beg him to put it on you straight away.
-if you'd like an engraved one, it'll probably be along the lines of "Property of Otis Driftwood" or something else to inflate his ego. maybe "Angel" or "Darling" if he's feeling nice.
-if you agree to it, he'll get one with a lock that only he has the key to. he may have a collar on you, but you have a vice grip on his heart and he knows how lucky he is to have you.
-DEFINITELY pulls on it during sex. he's a freak, probably has a matching leash if you're into that. will encourage you to wear the collar at all times because he gets jealous easily, but respects your boundaries.
Foxy Coltrane / The Midnight Wolfman
-same less than ideal background, but he's such a softie for you. when you bring up the idea of collaring, he jumps on it, giving an excited howl.
-he's a jerk that will definitely make thinly veiled sexual comments about it on the days leading up to getting the collar. he'll call you his bitch and jokes about how he should chain you up so you won't go anywhere. well, maybe they're jokes. you're not so sure.
-like otis, pretty nervous when the moment comes. brushing your hair away from your neck or tugging back your shirt so he has access, he'll hear the resounding click of the collar snapping into place and feel complete.
-will manhandle you using the collar. pinning you against walls and slipping a few fingers under it to feel your pulse, using it to choke you or pull you into place. yeah, he's real happy you asked for a collar.
Doomhead
-thinks you're joking when you first bring it up. you want a WHAT? want him to feed you from dog bowls too, sweetness?
-warms up to the idea very quickly. it's a public show of ownership, and he also just thinks you'd look gorgeous in a collar, on your knees for him as he smirks down at you.
-definitely engraved with something slightly mean, as long as you allow it. "pretty bitch" or "pet" likely. he'll degrade you for asking for a collar although you know he's almost more into it than you are yourself.
-keeps a polaroid of you with the collar on, in your place at his feet staring up at him with those gorgeous eyes. when he's away with...business...the memory of you begging him to use you like you're just his pet bitch keeps him in a good mood.
Asa Emory/The Collector
-LOVES the idea, he may even be the one to suggest it if you know him as the collector. you're his pet, his wonderful, curious pet, and he wants to mark you as such. maybe gives you a subtle collar if you're openly known as his partner, so you're not outed but asa can silently gloat that all those annoying flirty neighbours don't own you, but he does.
-compliments you more than usual. you can see his approval, his praise when he strokes a gloved hand along your jawline, trailing down to reach the collar. a quiet "good pet" here and there will have you glowing, he knows. loves to use it to get your attention, gripping just under the collar to make your eyes snap to his.
-one of his favourite things is when he's choking you and he can feel the collar under his hand, and beneath that the curve of your throat as you gasp for air. giving him oral is even more fun for him, as he can use the collar to tug you whichever way he likes.
hi i think you're such an excellent writer! would you do the nsfw alphabet for drake merwin from gone if possible? thank you!
Thank you so much 😭❤️
NSFW Alphabet - Drake Merwin
MINORS DNI: 18+ ONLY. YOU WILL BE BLOCKED. AGLESS BIOS DNI. Character will be written as 18 or older.
A: Aftercare - What they're like after sex?
- He'd honestly just leave, unless you're together. Then he doesn't have much of a choice. He might put an arm around you or cuddle you.
B: Body Part - Their favorite part of themselves/you?
- His arms. Your chest.
C: Cum - Taste, texture, etc?
- A slight white color. Slightly salty.
D: Dirty Secret
- Has a photo gallery on his phone full of all kinds of photos of you.
E: Experience - How much experience do they have?
- Lots. I won't explain further.
F: Favorite Position
- Missionary or any other position that shows your flexibility.
G: Goofy - How are they: serious, funny, etc?
- Serious.
H: Hair - Shaved, not shaved, color?
- Not shaved. Dark brown/black.
I: Intimacy - How are they romantically?
- Not very romantic.
J: Jack Off - How often do they masturbate?
- At least once a day or every couple of days.
K: Kink - Their kinks?
- BDSM, bondage, marking, denigrating (if you're into that), scratching, blood play. Most of it to you, except marking/scratching he's fine if you do that to him.
L: Location - Favorite place(s) to do it?
- Anywhere it doesn't matter. Anyone who sees or says something is getting killed.
M: Motivation - What gets them into it?
- Short skirts/shorts, lingerie, crop tops. Anything honestly.
N: No - Will not do/turns them off?
- Anything that causes death.
O: Oral - Giving, receiving, skill?
- Receiving, may occasionally give if he feels like it. Very skilled.
P: Pace - Fast, rough, slow, etc?
- Rough and hard, sometimes slow if he feels like it.
Q: Quickie - How often?
- Anytime.
R: Risk - Willing to take risks/experiment?
- Depends on what it is.
S: Stamina - How long/many rounds can they go?
- 2-3 for an hour.
T: Toys - Do they have any/will they use them?
- Yes, since you suggested them, will also use them as punishment.
U: Unfair - How much do they tease?
- A lot, he loves hearing you scream and beg for him.
V: Volume - How loud are they?
- Not very loud, loves hearing the noise you make more. May choke you if you're too loud.
W: Wild Card - Something random?
- Would love to have a kid one day but would never say anything about it.
X: X-Ray - Size, appearance, etc?
- 7, pale with a pink tip. Some noticeable veins. Cut.
Y: Yearning - How high is their sex drive?
- Very high.
Z: ZZZ - How quickly do they fall asleep?
- Either very quickly or will stay awake nearly all night until he does sleep.
