Prompt- basically one where Nesta and Cassian didn’t mate at the end of of ACOSF, never even slept together. Nesta just ends up giving in and agreeing to train or work in the lib and eventually becomes ‘apart’ of the inner circle and does magic and shit for them or whatever.
And cassian of course is overjoyed because nesta is part of the fam now and he keeps trying to play with her or rile her up (like the old Cassian did) back to his old self now that she’s doing what they want but because nesta was forced to submit she’s just a shell of a person, doesn’t want to argue with him or anyone, just does what she’s told. And now cassians beginning to really panic (as he should) because he just wants her to be happy
Did someone ask for ✨Angst✨
Nesta learned young that the world wanted silence from women.
Yes, she had been a woman then. A girl and then a woman and now … a female. Pretty dresses and panting creatures who thought with the parts between their legs and a list of rules she never wanted to follow. The only difference in this life was that it would never end.
The Fae claimed to be different, well, the hypocrites she was surrounded by claimed to be different.
The humans rapped her knucles with hard wooden switches and pulled her spine up straight and sat her on the shelf like a pretty little doll to be silent decoration. They demanded silence and a pretty smile.
Feyre and Rhysand and their merry little court put a sword in her hand and sent her to war even as they demanded the same thing. She was allowed to speak and sweat and curse as much as she pleased. She was allowed to be wild as Feyre always had been, but still they expected silence.
Silence where it mattered.
Nesta found her spot in this court when she started to learn from Elain. When she noticed that no one bothered her no matter how far she fell, how depressed she clearly was, how haunted her eyes looked. No one yelled or locked her away or claimed to hate her. You could not hate a person who never said what they thought.
It was a different kind of freedom, Nesta supposed, to be completely numb. To watch your own too long, too graceful fingers slip past this beautiful, hazy possibility you once clung to with battered knuckles and a warrior’s spirit.
They never commented on her drinking now, though it was worse than it had ever been. Feyre giggled and set bottle after bottle between them on a coffee table as she prattled on about her mate and her baby and whatever new way the world was set to end this time. Nesta smiled now as she never had before. Smiled and nodded and made a well timed joke between sips of pink spiked summer water and Feyre never noticed.
How proud she was of herself, of the warrior sister she plucked from the slums and gave a purpose.
Nesta wore the dresses Rhysand gifted her even though the softest silk felt like sandpaper against her skin. She ate at their table and fought all of their battles and it was almost tolerable.
Living like a tiger in one of those roaming circuses. Not free, not allowed to be what it was born to be, not allowed to revel in its pouncing nature, but … secure. Fed and managed and perfectly fine.
“Nes is going to kick your ass pretty soon if you don’t get back in the ring, Rhys,” Cassian joked one night as he peeled sweat-soaked leathers from his toned body. Tossing them to the floor, treating the House like his maid the way he always had. The way he would have no reason not to.
“I could kick his ass now,” Nesta said on cue and without inflection. That was her line. Cassian baited Rhys and she flexed the muscles she let him train into her body and agreed with whatever he said.
“It would be a waste for Nesta and I to ever spar with fists.”
Nesta swallowed. She had no line for that. No witty response for mention of her party trick power that was only allowed out on Rhys and Feyre’s command. Cassian swooped in, convinced it was a lasting sensitivity he must save her from. “As long as none of us play her in cards,” he joked.
Nesta rolled her eyes and laughed how she was supposed to.
It wasn’t until later that night, long after the sun had set, when she was drinking her way through Rhys’ rapidly declining supply of good whiskey, that she realized her mistake.
The numbness only worked when no one looked too close. And no one ever cared to … except for him. He always looked too close.
“Of course.” Maybe that was where she went wrong. Being too amicable. Somewhere, in a deep echo chamber where she kept all her true thoughts locked away, Nesta knew that she would never acquiesce without a snarky comment. She didn’t have the energy to find that line. And why should she? Everyone but him was fine with this.
Cassian sat too close on purpose, pressed his knee against hers and took a long drag from her glass rather than getting his own. He refilled it and licked the side before giving it back to her.
Nesta took a sip from the other side. His eyebrows knitted together.
“Still insisting on all this fabric I see,” he grinned lecherously, picking up the gauzy end of her nightgown. “Feyre and Mor don’t take you to that fun shop by the rainbow?”
“They do,” Nesta nodded, eyes fixed on a spot in the distance.
“Maybe you would let me join you next time?” He smirked, bicep brushing up against her shoulder.
“And you can try some things on for me?” Nesta nodded as she took another sip of her drink.
“And then we can go behind the store and fuck like animals in plain sight?”
“If you-“ Nesta paused, mind catching up to the words she had been tuning out.
“There we go,” he sighed, moving back and sinking into the chair beside her. “There was actually life in your eyes for a second there.”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”
Cassian leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Talk to me, Nes.” She hated when he called her that, hated the softness he insisted on cloaking her with in his own mind. “What’s wrong?”
“That’s bullshit!” Nesta winced, because the last time Cassian said those words to her …
“I’m fine,” she forced a smile. “Really!” She couldn’t go back. Couldn’t go back to being locked away and cut off and terrified. She couldn’t go back to being desperate and under their control all the time.
“You aren’t fine,” he whispered. “You barely even seem like yourself, Nes.”
“Exactly,” she felt her eyes spark for just a second before dousing them in cold water. “I am better now.”
Cassian only blinked. “Better?”
“Just like you all wanted.”
“We didn’t want a shell, Nesta!” His voice rose, cracking at the top in a way she had never heard.
“Of course you did,” she shrugged. “Everyone is happy this way, Cassian.”
“I’m not,” he shook his head, eyes going wide with the realization of just how empty she was now.
Typical Cassian to change his mind just when she gave him everything he wanted.
“I am sorry to hear that.”
“Nesta what the fuck?” He nearly toppled out of his chair, falling to his knees with an audible crack. Nesta raised her legs up and hugged them to her chest to avoid contact. “Nesta this isn’t … where did you go?”
“I am right here,” she smiled her new smile. The one that danced like a reluctant spirit on her lips and would never reach her eyes.
“No,” he shook his head. “No this isn’t … this isn’t you, Nes.”
“Of course it is,” she shrugged. “It is exactly the me you told me to be.” Even her accusations sounded like sleepy sighs. “Train or go to the human lands. I trained. Live here or go to the human lands. I lived here. Play nice or be cut off. I played nice.” Nesta looked up, past his eyes instead of into them. “I followed all your rules, Cassian. You don’t get to change them now just because your favourite toy is broken.”
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