Constellations and Apologies
Eren and his sister Fay were always really close growing up. Inseparable even. But after the death of their mother, Eren was never the same with her. It was almost like he blamed her for their mom's death.
I've had this idea for a while. Ever since I watched aot for the first time age 13, I've had an OC that was Eren's sister. She had gone through so many name changes over the years, but I landed of Fay, thinking, this would be so sweet if Grisha wanted to name his daughter after his sister.
Enjoy my attempt at an Eren angst, featuring my OC that I love like she's my baby. Set after they reclaim wall maria <3
not proofread, too much effort x
crossposted on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60568789
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Organization for Transformative Works
Eren and his sister Fay were always really close growing up. Inseparable even. But after the death of their mother, Eren was never the same with her. It was almost like he blamed her for their mom's death.
Fay was there with their mother as the wall was breached. After Eren and her mom had gotten into yet another fight about him watching to join the Survey Corps. She was left alone with her mother. When the wall was kicked in, a massive boulder came straight for their house. Luckily, her mom managed to push her out of the house, getting trapped under the rubble in the process.
It had been six years since that day, Fay was now fifteen and Eren was sixteen. They had just made it back from reclaiming Wall Maria. Even though the joy from the victory was there, everyone was on edge, especially since there was only eleven scouts left. You, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Connie, Floch, Hange, and Levi.
Fay was sat in the mess hall, eating her dinner, when Eren walked into it for his. She haven't had a proper conversation with Eren since before the fall of Wall Maria. Before she joined the military, he would respond to anything she said with anger, now he won't even look at her. Fay didn't know which is worse. Fay wanted her brother back. She missed him. She didn't fully understand why he wouldn't talk to her.
He knows why he won't talk to her. He thinks that she's the reason your mother is dead. It pains him to even look at her, especially since, as she's grown, she looks almost identical to her.
Eren sat down at the table both their friends were sat at, every time she looked at him, he looked at her, with a slight glare. She didn't know if she should say something, or if she should just cut her losses and try and move on from wanting her brother back.
The entire time, there was chatter around the table from all their friends. Fay tried to listen in, to drown out the sound of her own thought, but nothing was working.
She looked up from her food, passed the end of it to Sasha, saying 'Here, finish it' and stood up, leaving the mess hall to head outside. Once she got outside, she climbed up the side of one of the building, to get to a small little rooftop. It was dark, so here she was able to enjoy the quiet, as well as the stars.
Stargazing was a bittersweet experience for her. On one hand, she loved the stars, she love how they shone down on the world, twinkling in the dark blue sky. She loved the cool air the nighttime brought, and the look of the moon next to all the stars.
On the other hand, stargazing was something she first started to do with Eren as a child. Something that only her and Eren shared. When they were eight and nine, Fay and Eren used to sneak out of the house late at night, and walk to the tree on the hill. They would lay under it, until the sun started to rise, watching the stars. Eren would tell her everything he learned about the Ocean from Armin, and about how he wanted to join the Scouts one day. Those were some of the most cherished memories Fay had, she held them so close to her heart.
After a few moments of Fay leaving the mess hall, Eren realized she wasn't returning, so he turned to the others to ask about it.
Armin turned to respond, but before he could, Mikasa spoke, saying.
"I think she said she needed some fresh air, something about needing a break from all the commotion."
Eren nodded slowly, but he couldn't help but feel like something wasn't right. Mikasa was almost always right, so he didn't doubt her words, but something told him he should go check on her.
After a moment, he spoke.
"I'll be back, I'm gonna go make sure she's okay."
After making it to the rooftop, a wave of peace washed over Fay. The stars were so beautiful that night. The moon was bring and full, and the sounds of the cricket added to the feeling of it all.
She sat back against the wall of the building, sitting in a way that, if someone came out, the wouldn't see her on the roof.
She felt relaxed for the first time in years, as if a weight had temporarily been lifted off her shoulders.
Once Eren made it outside, he looked around, quickly noticing that she was no longer outside near the mess hall, so he started to look around. After a moment, he looked up, his eyes landing on the roof, wondering if she'd be up there, he started to climb the side of the building, hoping that she was indeed up there and not anywhere else.
Once Eren had made it to the top of the roof, he quickly looked around, and spotted her sat against the wall on the other side. He was relieved to see her, confirming that she was alright, he slowly walked towards her, before he spoke, trying his best not to startle her by his voice, but he just wanted to know she was okay.
Fay peeled her eyes away from the stars, looking in shock to see Eren call out for her. He had barely even spoke to her in the past few years, let alone call her by her name or call out for her.
Years worth of pain came crashing down on top of her as she looked at him. The relaxation she had from being up here had vanished, leaving nothing but an anxious pit in her stomach
"Hi..." *She spoke, not sure what else to say to him. 'Why is he here? What is her doing?' kept swirling around in her head. She wanted nothing more that to run to him, hold him tightly, beg him to never hurt her again, but she knew she couldn't. She knew she had to be realistic about this. Eren hated her... there was nothing she could do about it.
The look of shock on her face didn't go unnoticed by Eren, but he pushed his thoughts away, he had came up here to make sure she was alright, so he was gonna make sure she was alright. He slowly walked towards her, until he stopped and slowly sat down in front of her. Once he was sitting in front of her, his back against the wall and his knees pulled close to his chest, he spoke, his voice coming out softer than it usually did.
"Are you okay? How did you even get up here?"
"I'm fine..." She replied, trying not to let her emotions get to her. She was trying so hard not to cry, not to start sobbing and apologise to Eren for whatever she did to make him hate her.
He looked at her closely for a moment, not fully believing her when she said she was fine. He could tell she wasn't, she was so tense, and her voice quivered ever so slightly when she spoke, making Eren certain that she was hiding something.
He slowly leaned his head back against the wall, his gaze drifting up to the stars for a moment, before it went back down to her. After a second, he spoke quietly.
She looked up to the stars, trying to get the comfort she got from them not even five minutes ago. The bright little specks never moved, they stayed the same way they always were. The same way she always remembered them.
"...To look at the stars..."
Eren followed her eyes as they landed on the stars. He could tell she was trying to relax herself again, just by looking at her. It didn't work, she were still so tense and he hated that fact.
Once she spoke, he looked back at her, a small sigh leaving his lips. After a moment, he spoke.
"Why do you look up at the stars so often?"
Fay kept looking at the stars, the moonlight illuminating her features, she looked so much like their mother.
"I always have loved the stars... some things just don't change"
She didn't want to tell him that the reminded her of their childhood. She didn't want to tell him that once their mom had said 'If i'm ever not with you, we'll always be under the same moon'. She didn't want to tell him she spent hours talking to the moon, hoping that her mother would hear her
Eren nodded slowly in response to her answer, his eyes watching her as the moonlight lightly illuminated your features, making her look just like their mother. It made Eren's heart ache, he hated that she looked like her, reminding him of one of the most painful things in his life.
After a second, he spoke, trying to ignore the pain that was building in his heart.
"Why did you start? Looking at the stars, I mean."
"... They were... beautiful" Fay replied slowly.
The stars always spoke to her. Not in a way of actually words, but something about them just connected to her heart. As long as she remembered, she was fascinated by the stars, how they shone so brightly, how they were a constant in her life, ever after it had been uprooted by the titans six years ago
Eren listened quietly as she spoke. He slowly craned his neck to look up at the night sky, his eyes meeting the stars above them. After a moment he spoke, his voice coming out quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Do they still feel beautiful to you? Even after everything that's happened?"
"If anything... it makes them more beautiful"
She continued to look up at the stars, noticing the patterns in the constellations, letting the cool breeze from the night air flow through her hair, creating goosebumps on her skin.
"There's one thing... that will never change. They'll always stay beautiful"
Eren listened as her as she spoke. Her words somehow both comforted him and made the pain in his heart worse. It made it worse because she was right, the stars were beautiful, and they always will be, but at the same time, hearing her say that made it hard for him to hold his feelings in. The stars were the one thing that will never change, and he knew that. He hated the fact that she was right.
"And the stars are always paired with the moon"
She spoke again, moving her head slightly to look up at the moon
"The moon is even more beautiful than the stars. It's there always, even though it changes, it still stays the same"
"Looking at the moon... always make me feel like mom is next to me. Like she's watching out, making sure i'm safe..."
She spoke again, this time, her voice getting quieter
"She said 'if i'm ever not with you, look to the moon, we'll always be under the same moon, no matter what'"
Eren listened as she spoke, his heart aching even more at her words. The memories that came up with her words and the way she spoke about them was painful. It hurt him because he knew how important those words were to her, but he felt like he couldn't be happy about it. He felt like he shouldn't be. After moments of silence, he finally spoke, his voice quiet as well.
"Do you think that she is? Watching over you, I mean."
She let out a small sigh, eyes never leaving the moon
"I'm not sure... but I'd like to tell myself that. I like to think she's with the moon and the stars..."
Eren nodded slowly again in response to her words. He felt the same way. After a moment, he spoke again, his voice slightly shaky this time.
"I... I hope she is too."
Fay blinked back the emotions threatening to come to the surface. The anxious pit in her stomach never leaving. She grabbed her necklace and started to fiddle with it. A necklace she had since the fall of Wall Maria.
Eren's eyes followed the movement of her hand as she fiddled with her necklace. He noticed that it was a necklace with something silver dangling from it. He was certain he recognised it, but he couldn't focus enough to tell what exactly it was. After a moment, he spoke quietly again.
"Where... where'd you get that necklace?"
"I've had it since the breach..."
As she spoke, Eren's eyes went wide as he recognised what the charm on the necklace was. It was his mothers wedding ring. His breath hitched as he stared at it, a wave of emotions hitting him all at once.
"You- You... have mom's wedding ring."
She blinked a couple more times, trying to keep herself from crying. As much as the memory hurt, she knew that it would be easier to explain it fully.
"When- ... when the house collapsed... and she got trapped... before you and Mikasa came to us, she took it off and gave it to me... made me promise to keep it with me, so there would always be a part of her with us"
"Do... do you keep that promise?"
She nodded, clasping her fist around the ring, holding it close to herself
Eren had to fight back tears as he looked at her clutching the ring. His heart ached more than it ever had. He hated that he couldn't bring himself to fully open up with her again. He hated that he had to hold everything in. He hated that she looked so much like their mother. Even more than that, he hated himself for never being able to talk to her the way he used to.
After a few moment, Fay let go of the ring, bringing her arms back down to hug herself. She lifted her gaze again, watching the clouds slowly float past the moon and the stars.
Eren looked at her for a moment, watching her watch the night sky. It was cold on the roof, so he slowly reached down to pull his coat off, before slowly moving over to you, and draping his coat over your shoulders.
When Fay felt his coat drop on her shoulders, she looked straight over to him, her eyes were as innocent as ever, never changing from the way she looked as a kid.
"B-but are you not cold?" She asked him. She didn't want him to get sick. Sure he was a titan, and could recover quite easily from anything, but she still worried about his well being. He is her big brother after all.
Eren sat beside her, pulling his knees close to his chest, his back resting against the wall behind him. He looked up at the night sky again, the stars shining brightly above them. After a moment, he spoke, his voice soft.
"They really are beautiful, aren't they?"
Fay just nodded, gaze fixed onto the little white and yellow specks in the sky.
"You still love the stars, just as much as when we were younger."
She kept her gaze focused on the moon, as if trying to telepathically communicate with it. As if to communicate with their mother.
Eren kept his gaze on her, watching as she focused her attention on the moon. Despite hating how she loved looking at the stars, since it reminded him of the pain he had been through, as well as the fact that she looked so much like their mother, he still found himself unable to look away. He couldn't help but love how relaxed Fay looked. It reminded him so much of when they were kids. After a moment, he spoke again, his voice barely audible.
"I remember... the way you used to point to different constellations, and show me all the stars that you knew."
"I still do that to anyone who will listen.." *She said, looking around at the sky to spot any constellations*
"Look-" She said, pointing to a group of stars "The big dipper," She pointed to a few stars then moved her hand slightly to point to more "and the little dipper"
Eren watched as she pointed to the sky, his eyes following her hand and landing on the stars she had pointed to. It brought a faint smile to his lips as memories of her doing the same thing years ago rushed into his mind. After a moment, he spoke again, his voice still coming out soft as he continued to focus on the sky.
"Which was my favourite again?"
"Draco... you said, it's cool cause it's a dragon" Fay smiled, watching the stars sparkle brightly in the night sky
Eren's eyes lit up slightly, a smile still on his lips. He remembered that night like it happened yesterday. He remembered the joy he felt when he saw the dragon constellation. He remembered how she had smiled as he rambled about it, he remembered how she had laughed at him when he tried to act scary like a dragon.
He remembered everything, and he hated the fact that he still did. He hated how it brought out such happy memories of the two of them as kids, and how she had always been his favourite person.
"My favourite was always Cygnus" Fay said, breaking the silence.
Eren turned his head to face her, his eyes landing on her, as he listened to her speak.
"That's... the swan, right?"
She nodded, turning to look at him with a small smiled.
"I'm surprised you remembered"
Eren chuckled quietly in response, before speaking.
"Of course I remembered. I remember everything we used to do when we were younger. I remember how you used to show me constellations and tell me stories about different stars. I remember the way you'd laugh at me as I tried to act like a dragon. I remember everything."
Her small smile slowly changed into a sad one, not because she was upset at what he said, but the fact he still remembered everything, but chose to abandon their bond after the fall of Wall Maria.
She quickly looked back to the stars, blinking away a few tears that were threatening to spill.
Eren went silent, a wave of guilt washing over him as he noticed the change in her mood. He knew exactly why she was suddenly sad. He knew exactly why she was struggling to hold back tears. It's because of him. It's because of his actions, and his inability to be able to be honest about everything that he felt.
She kept staring at the stars, hoping that they would get rid of the pit in her stomach, begging them to calm her down, to not let now be the moment where she can no longer control her emotions.
Eren looked at her for a moment, his hand twitching slightly, wanting to reach over and comfort her. He ached to comfort her, to try and make up for everything he had put her through, but he knew that he couldn't. He felt as though he didn't deserve to try and comfort her.
As the silence between them both remained, Eren finally worked up the courage to speak quietly, his voice coming out shakier than he intended.
Her voice was also shaky, her eyes were glossy, tears were ready to fall at any moment. Her body was on edge, being so close to Eren after all this time, made the pit in her stomach get worse, to the point she felt physically sick. She wanted nothing more for him to explain what was going on, she'd understand, she help him. She didn't understand why he acted the way he did, why he hated her. Why couldn't he love her the way he used to?
Eren winced at the sound of her voice, he hated it. She sounded as if she was going to sob at any moment, and that thought made the ache in his chest get worse, to the point where he felt like he was suffocating. He didn't know what to say, he felt paralyzed, he hated himself more than he ever had, for making her feel so terrible. His hand that was resting on the ground twitched again, his guilt overwhelming him more by the second.
Those words took Fay by surprise. The two words she wanted to hear from him, the two words she begged the stars each nice for him to say. He said them. She couldn't stop, she couldn't stop the tears from slowly starting to roll down her cheeks.
As Eren watched the tears begin to fall from her eyes, his heart ached even more, and he felt as though it was shattering. He hated seeing those tears. He hated thinking that he was the reason behind them. He hated himself for hurting her the way he did.
Without thinking about his actions, Eren moved closer to Fay, slowly placing his arm around her shoulders, and pulling her closer to himself, his other arm wrapping around her waist.
He wanted nothing more than to be able to comfort her, comfort his little sister. He wanted to be there for her, be the one she could rely on, like how they were when they were kids.
Her tears kept flowing, every emotion to do with that situation was being felt tenfold. The hurt she felt from the way Eren treated her the past six years, the comfort she felt, having her big brother hug her. The words he spoke shattered her heart but at the same time, bandaged it up.
Every tear that flowed down her cheek, every sob she choked back, it shattered Eren's heart more and more. He hated how broken she was because of him. He hated the fact that he was responsible for her current emotional state.
All he could do was hold her tighter, trying to comfort her the best he could, and hoping that he wouldn't do anything else to upset her. After a moment, he spoke again, his voice still shaky.
After what felt like a millennia, but was only a few minutes, Fay's sobs started to stop. She stayed clinging to Eren, not wanting this to stop, not wanting him to let go.
"...w-why? why did you... do- do you hate me Eren...?" She wanted her words to come out demanding, but they couldn't. With every word she spoke her voice trembled, cracking slightly. She just wanted answers.
He continued to keep his arms wrapped tightly around her, doing his best to comfort her.
When she asked him why, he froze. He knew exactly why. He hated admitting that he hated her, but he couldn't bring himself to lie to her, so he spoke, his voice still shaky, and barely audible.
"I- I don't... hate you..."
"... then why Eren...?" Her voice breaking with every word.
Eren knew exactly what she was referring to. The years of glares, the years of ignoring her, pretending she didn't exist. Shouting at her when she came near. Even some 'it should have been you, not mom' comments were said before they joined the military.
He knew logically, it was irrational to blame Fay for their mother's death. But he couldn't get it out of his head. If Fay wasn't at home, their mom would've made it out of the house. She wouldn't have had to protect Fay, and in the process get herself trapped.
Eren felt his heartbreak completely as she continued to ask him why. He hated the fact that he had to answer. He hated that he had to tell her why he ignored her and acted like he hated her for the past six years.
His arms remained wrapped around her as he went silent for a moment. He tried to form the words to explain why, but his mind wouldn't allow him to.
"You... you wouldn't understand..."
"I'm... I'm sure I would... there has to be a reason, right?" She still had tears flowing, but they were after calming down. Her voice was still shaky, but somehow came out soft and understanding, the care that she had for her brother was never lost.
"...please... just tell me Eren..."
She begged, she needed to know why. She needed to know what she had done wrong to lose her brother's love.
Eren hated the way she begged him to tell her. The sound of it made his heart ache, even more than it already was. He hated to admit it, but he hated hearing her beg. He hated how badly she wanted to be loved by him. He hated how much he wanted to tell her everything, but he knew that it would only make things worse.
As he held onto her tighter, he spoke again, his voice still shaky and quiet, but he managed to get his words out.
"It's because of... because of mom..."
When he said that, she pulled back to sit up, wiping her tears from her eyes. She looked at him, a confused look plastered on her face.
"M-mom...? I... i don't understand..."
She spoke, her voice soft and quiet. He hate her because of what happened to mom? But... why?
She watched him for a moment, watching his body language, the look of guilt in his eyes. Her face changed slightly, the look of confusion morphing to one of understand with a mix of hurt.
"...wait... do- do you... do you blame me...?"
Eren hated the confusion in her voice. He hated how she were trying to piece things together to figure out why he acted the way he did towards her. He hated how her face slowly changed from confusion to one with understanding and pain, and he hated how all he could do was look down and nod, confirming that he did blame her.
She looked away from him, looking back up to the stars. She wasn't surprised, she had guessed all this time he held some resentment against her for being saved by their mother, causing their mom to lose her life.
"... that... makes sense"
She kept her gaze in the stars. Watching the twinkling white and yellow lights.
"... you're not alone in blaming me..."
“What… what do you mean?”
"... I blame myself too..."
Those simple words came out like something she had said a million times before. It was something that played in her head over and over and over again since the death of their mother. If she wasn't there, if she could have ran like her mother told her too... their mother would still be alive.
She didn't move and inch, keeping her steady gaze in the stars. In her head, all that was playing; it is your fault, all your fault.
Eren's eyes widened as he listened to her words. The fact that she admitted to blaming herself was what shattered his heart the most. He hated how casually she said it, as though she had said those words before. He hated that she had held this guilt over herself for years, and he hated how much he wished he could have been able to talk to her about it years ago.
His chest ached as he spoke quietly.
"Why...? Why do you blame yourself...?"
She took a deep breath, before turning her head to look at him.
"... probably the same reason you blame me"
He looked at her, his eyes locking with her own. He hated how she knew the reason, but more than anything, he hated how he found himself unable to deny what she said.
Eren was silent for a moment, before finally speaking again, his voice coming out quiet and shaky.
She turned back to the night sky, watching the deep blues and purples mix together beautifully.
"... i'm not upset you blame me though... I understand why you do..."
She nodded, glancing back to him, a soft comforting smile on her lips.
Eren hated that she smiled at him as she spoke, that soft comforting smile of hers. He hated the comforting feeling he felt from that smile, that he didn't deserve from her. He hated how badly he wanted to hold onto that smile. He hated how much he ached to hug her, to be able to make up for everything he put her through.
Eren couldn't find the words to say anything else. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to make it right, didn't know how to make up for how he treated her for the past six years. He felt stuck. He hated how badly he wanted to cry, to break down, to let her see just how much pain he truly felt. He hated the feeling of helplessness, and he hated himself for being unable to say anything more.
Fay took another deep breath, attempting to get her emotions in check, she wanted to stop crying, she wanted things to go back to normal.
"As... as long as you're sorry... that's the main thing... right?"
“Yea… that's the main thing…” Eren replied, looking up to the sky, the same dark blue sky they used to watch as kids.
She gave him another smile, before looking back at the stars and taking a deep breath.
"Well... it's getting late, we should both head to bed.." She said, stretching out her limbs, and getting up. She put a hand out from him to take, to help him up.
He only nodded, grabbing your hand and standing up.
"Yea... it is getting late..."
She gave him another smile, walking over to the edge of the roof, before quickly hopping down back to the ground and walking off towards the women's barracks.
She climbed down the old brick wall, feeling the sharp little rock's dig into the pads of her fingers. She landed on the floor, the hard gravel crunching under each foot.
Fay walked off, her steps starting slow and casual, but as she neared the barracks, she sped up. Walking quickly, wanting to get into her bed and sleep the whole night off.
The night went by agonisingly slow, Fay was barely able to get an hour of good sleep. Her mind was plagued by the confirmation Eren did really blame her for their mother's death.
But… at least he finally apologised.
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