Writing this for myself so one day in 10 years if tumblr is still a thing and I can still remember my password I can look back and either feel really great or really full of regret for the decisions I am currently refusing to make but need to make
Yeah I know it was a run on sentence, but I hate grammar so here it goes:
I’m about to graduate with a computer science degree and currently deciding between two internships. Automated testing engineer, and an ETL analyst/developer position. This is pretty cool because when I started this blog 10 years ago (or more?) I was a depressed high schooler who had no goals or interest in college.
Depression is a hell of a thing. I regret the years I spent sleeping and wishing the days away. I never thought that time would run out. I look at all my pictures from the last 10 years and can remember each day so clearly, and although I’m smiling in most I was dying on the inside.
I like to think that I am happier today, but I’m still making the same dumb mistakes I’ve always made...only this time they are the adult versions. I’m in an awful, unhealthy relationship that is slowly sucking the life out of me and deep down I know this...but I refuse to admit it. He’s the father of my two beautiful children who I love more than anything. My home will always be their home, I will not share them. I refuse to share them so this has to work out. I love my fiance but I wish I didn’t. I wish he would’ve just cut the cord back when I was too blinded by my own insecurites to notice that I wasn’t happy. Depression will suck the life out of you and make you emotionless, so much to the point where you will cling to anything that makes you feel anything.
He made me feel something and so I got sucked in.
Now all I feel is unsure.
The crazy thing is that this isn’t what I intended to talk about. I wanted to talk about how I’m about to leave college and enter the real world. I wanted to talk about how different my life is going to be and how exciting this is. I wanted to make this post about the two positions I’m considering and how I’m torn between deciding. I wanted to be able to look back when I’m older and well into my career and remember the simpler days...but that’s not what came out once I started typing.
Maybe I need to blog more.
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