Humming from a TV fills the room like an ever-growing feeling of emptiness as I pour
my lukewarm coffee in the sink -- overflowing with dishes. Iāve always told myself Iād get to starting my life tomorrow, but I never do. I wonder what happens when there are no more tomorrows, no more time to procrastinate. In the end, Iāve never been that great of a person. In fact, Iām not a good person at all. I just seem to live it and surround myself with people that are worse than I am and make me look better in comparison.
Futile, pointless, Iāve lost the passion that comes with living. Nothing I do seems to have true meaning. Itās sad, truly, but she seems to never stop infesting my thoughts and memories: Jennifer, my love. It was back when naive love was something I was able to experience without fear. Shutting up should be what I do, as thinking deeply wonāt help: it only makes the pain grow.
After snapping myself back to my reality, I hear the couch behind me make fabric move. Sighing, I turned to the couch that held a 16-year-old boy sleeping.
āGood morning, Cutie!ā called a boy with dark skin and brightly purple dyed hair. Irritation was all I felt now. It was too damn early for this. Deciding not to answer, I begin to make myself another much-needed hot cup of coffee. Iād rather not talk to anyone before a cup of coffee because I might end up killing someone fully on purpose. āHello, hello, Soran! I know youāre not deaf yet, come on.ā
āI wish I were deaf if it means you shut upā I glared at him. He was one of those people that just does things without thinking. Groaning, the 16 year old boy rises after the other rudely woke him up with his obnoxiously loud and annoying voice. Waking up while starting to talk in a raspy voice. Blanket leaving his side, the young boy reaches for his phone checking the time. āShouldnāt you guys be screaming at 7PM, not 5AM?ā the boy speaks in giggles.
āOh Micheal, you know heās always angry about every little thing that I have to offer!ā the man moved his hands around exaggerating his expression. What an irritation.
āItās not that I get angry. Youāre just annoying.ā This sentence came out as an instant retort even though I know heās just doing this to get on my nerves. āCanāt you just be a normal person for onceā
āThatās like me asking you to be a nice person.ā
What he said wasnāt funny, but yet heās laughing at his own joke. Breathing and trying to relieve the overwhelming fury I felt through my veins, I slowly poured another cup of coffee I knew I wouldnāt finish.
āYou guys are like an old married coupleā Michael was back scrolling through images on some social media application. Not really my thing. Talking to random people seems like a good chance to hurt someone and I donāt really feel like hurting or being hurt today.
āEw, gross, absolutely not; when I get married it will be to a gorgeous woman!ā Still over-exaggerating he walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. Towering over people was the norm to me and this didnāt exempt Elliot. He was only up to my chin area.
Brushing one side my shoulder length hair behind my ear I look over to Elliot with an unpleasant look hinting to him to stop touching me. Maybe if he could read social cues, he wouldnāt be such a pain to be around. Continuing to touch my shoulders, he smiles arrogantly.
āCan you stop touching me?ā
Iām not going to ask nicely as he already knows I donāt like being touched. I would rather stay hundreds of feet away from the next living thing. Sadly, that isnāt very possible.
Wandering back into my room with the now almost lukewarm coffee, I lay down on my bed and think until falling asleep. My coffee always goes to waste on days like these.
Conflicts are one of my least favorite discussions. Iād rather pretend to agree with someone than have to debate with someone about something that didn't affect anyone. Not only that but Iād rather do something myself than have to deal with others arguing with me about how I get things done. Unlike Elliot, my obnoxious roommate, who argues with anyone who doesnāt agree with him even if heās wrong.
Late at night sometimes, I go to a small balcony out my window to smoke. Sometimes it can help with the stress of having to take care of an ignorant asshole and a clueless child.
āWhat are you up to, old man?ā Elliotās brightly dyed purple hair now appeared out of the window flowing in waves.
āTsk, Iām not that much older than youā
āSixteen years is some age difference in my opinionā as if fast as light Elliot had now appeared behind me.
āWhat do you even wantā
āI just wanted to talk, weāre friends after allā
āDebatableā I didnāt have friends and if I did they probably wouldnāt stay long as I always subconsciously push others away.
āFine then, weāre roommates that can be friendsā darting into my eyes with a charming smile Elliot now leaned on the railing of the balcony with me holding out his hand. Handing him the cigarette I turn to the night sky to avoid eye contact. āYouāre always so distant, you can trust me you knowā
āFunny joke, I know youāre a bitch behind your little charming smileā Weāve lived together for five years now but weāve known each other for over seven.
Sighing I turned back to him to return the cigarette to my hand. I felt a weird tingling in my cheeks and I got up. Can't let this happen again, not after last time.
āIām going to bed.ā Elliot nodded and I started climbing into the large window.
āHey Soran, wait,ā Elliot turns to me and puts a hand on my shoulder after Iām in the window. āCan I please stay in your room? The couch is way too small for me and Micheal heh!ā
Pausing, thinking, pondering on heās asking thoughts and memories arise. But yet I canāt see them very vividly. The impulse to say no is growing but thinking about how uncomfortable it must be for two almost fully grown men to sleep on one couch must be there really isnāt much of a debate.
āSure whatever but you have to sleep in the way back on the bed Iām sleeping on the edgeā
āSounds good yup yup!!ā Elliot smiled with closed eyes and we stayed like that for a while. After about ten seconds it got really awkward so I yanked my shoulder away from his hand.
āOkay. . .ā I look awkwardly at him. I guess Iāll sleep now. No need to just stay here with this douche. After a few second pause I get my thoughts back together and finish my sentence. āIām going to sleep. Come in whenever, I guess.ā
Starting a brand new morning I realize that Elliotās already left. Weāve been sleeping in the same bed for a couple months now. It wasnāt as bad as I expected. He can actually keep his hands to himself. At least my one fear was saved by him having what little humanity he has. Recently heās been buying me food but I always end up throwing it away although I make sure he doesnāt see it. Even if I donāt like it I donāt want to insult him when I know heās trying his best.
It was now later in the day and I was watching the news on my small laptop. Suddenly, bursting into the small room Elliot comes over to my desk and places a white container from some Chinese restaurant there. Raising my eyebrow while looking towards him and questioning him with what he had brought me.
āWhat!?ā Elliot looked happy but with his eyebrows furrowed.
āNothing, just didnāt expect you to come home so... early?ā It was true Elliot, the man beside me now, got home from his ājobā around 12 AM to 3 AM but it was currently only 9 PM.
āOkay, well, I got us some tasty fried rice from the Chinese place downtown!ā I slowly felt a panic overflowing me but I didnāt realize what it was for until Elliotās next sentence. āLetās watch a movie together and eat it all together plus I got more in the kitchen. You know cause weāve never actually all eaten together so I set up some plans of my own!ā
āWhat?ā I was about to throw up all my guts without doubt, the stress was almost unbearable. Hearing that isnāt really called for my reaction but to me it very much so is. No, I canāt do this. I just say Iām tired or that I donāt feel like eating. Maybe Iāll just say I already ate or something, anythingā¦
āI want us all to eat together almost like a family!ā Elliot giving his usually charming smile now looked evil to me. I want to cry and run. In my head it doesnāt sound so bad, eating, but being faced with it makes my bones shiver.
āI-Iām fine, sorryā Sh*t why am I stuttering I never stutter anymore what is going on I need to get out of here or something I canāt stand it here I canāt live like this! āIāll eat laterā
āAw, come on itās not like you canāt eat you havenāt eaten all day so whatās there to be so stuck up about?ā
Might as well go to the bathroom. I can't stand talking anymore. Iām going to throw up, but really, whatās even left to throw up? Not like I eat anything anyways. I feel lightheaded. . .
Crossing my legs while sitting on my not so comfortable bed I read a book chapter by chapter wasting my life day by day sitting in an apartment that Iāll never leave. It wasnāt too bad is what I tell myself but itās been almost three years since Iāve actually taken a foot out of this house. Maybe Iāll leave today? No, Iāll just get hurt or get found by... Nathaniel? I canāt remember why I shouldnāt leave but I know I shouldnāt because of him. In my head I know itās wrong and that Iāll never leave.
Never liked smoking, always seemed like a pointless act of violence to yourself but my ex-boyfriend Nathaniel got me into all sorts of stuff I promised myself Iād stop or never start in the first place. Heād always deem it as a way for me to calm down and so we can have fun easier. Sadly I never listened to my gut around that man.
āYou seem distracted, looking into space?ā the common voice of Elliot bursts into my room making me feel warm. Strangely enough Iāve been feeling a warming sensation around him and I donāt like it.
āHey, ya just was thinking about, uh, stuff, I guess. Nothing interestingā I face my back towards him rubbing my eyes from exhaustion. I hadnāt slept the night prior as I was so stuck in my thoughts of that guy, aka, Elliot. Seriously why do I have to deal with all this when I just wish to sleep and live in my room.
āMhm, well me and Michael are going to go see this movie he wants to see it. Apparently it just came out and he really wants to see it in theaters, ha!ā Thatās nice, I guess. Theyāll probably be back around 4 PM or maybe 5 PM depending on how long the average movie is. Possibly I could get some of my work done while they're gone- āWanna come with us? We have extra tickets!ā
āHuh?ā Leaving the house? What? Panic is here again as usual. Changing always seems to freak me out it seems. Maybe I should just give up on trying to change for the better, not like Iāll ever be better than a tragic nobody. āS-sureā
āReally! Nice Iāll tell Michael and get the car ready!ā His charming smile fills his face as he leaves the room leaving me to myself and the panic that overwhelms me. Feeling the sensation of melancholy tears fill my eyes. I canāt do this is all I can ever believe. Iām never going to change. But, maybe I can?
Standing in front of me now stood Micheal giving me a weary look, knowing my situation. Is it that obvious? They couldnāt possibly know I donāt go outside, right?
āAre you gonna be okay?ā The boy's accent was heavy and his eyes looked upon me in pity. Weirdly knowing that heād known my anxiety started to skyrocketed. Iām not presentable to the public who knows how long I havenāt taken time to myself to freshen up. Iām not okay.
After three years is this going to be my way I go outside or will I just come up with another dumb excuse to get away with closeting myself from the world. This is a pointless debate. Seriously, whatās the point in going outside when all Iāll do is get hurt.
Starting to calm down with my determination to not go, I turn back to my room as Elliot exists. He wouldnāt care, right? Walking out with his ripped jeans and rustic red and yellow striped shirts, he winks at me.
Feeling my heart flutter while my legs start to shake as I feel as if Iāll crumble to the ground. A soft hand reaches on my shoulder and snaps my head back looking at Micheal.
āHey, you okay?ā Was I really so panicked I didnāt even respond? Whatās going on with me and why canāt I get out of my own head.
Out of the house couldnāt be that bad, right? Itās not the same world as I remember. Remember? What do I remember? The small world of my room seems to be all thatās left so why should I leave? Soft and sweet thatās what it is here even though it feels like a cage but itās a safe caged one that makes sure I donāt get hurt again. I canāt trust the real world.
āI donāt want to goā I whisper to Micheal trying to avoid the disappointment I might receive from Elliot. He was so excited for me to leave after all. Nodding, Micheal faces Elliot as he passes up humming a tune, heading to the door.
āEveryone ready?ā he turns to us, smiling, almost glowing. Why do I feel this way?
āYeah, Iām good,ā I replied slowly, barely even thinking about going anymore. Honestly, we should just watch the movie here then Iād be able to feel safe without having to worry about being safe and maybe we could, never mind. No point in that. Iām not going. āI was actually thinking about not going.ā
Looking away, distracted by what seemed to be nothing, I feel the disappointment about to set in. Guess it was a good thing to space out so I didnāt have to deal with it head on. Iām such a coward.
āHuh? Why not? Weāre all ready so whatās the point in not going?ā As expected the questions come first next is the yelling and the inevitable fight at the end of the day when he comes back.
āIām not in the mood to go outside, itās not that big of a dealā I feel his irritation. I donāt blame him. Heās been trying to get me to go outside since he figured out I hadnāt gone out for a year. Weird time passes so fast when you just waste it.
āGod, of course youāre not. When will you ever get off your ass and just fucking leave!?ā Ouch, that hurts. Saddest part is that heās not wrong.
I really need some sleep.
Waking to a bright morning light wasnāt the norm but for today, guess it was. Slowly glancing to the window I see Elliot. He looks so⦠so pretty. Iām not sure how to describe that. Weirdly enough I feel my cheeks starting to heat up and my heart start to race. Am I dying?
āGāmorning beautifulā ew, his charming smile saying those words donāt save my ever growing warm cheeks. Gosh, they almost feel as if they were burning.
āGet outā I turn my back to him, hiding my face into my pillow hoping for this sickening feeling to leave.
Iāve wondered recently if I loved the man but thatās certainly not it and even if it is there was no point for having such emotions. Not only is the man heterosexual but us both donāt understand the meaning of ālove.ā So suffering with the pit in his stomach would have to suffice as nothing more could be done.
āYouāre too cold Soran, too cold!ā Laughing he now layed next to me basking in the morning sun shining through the open window.
Late into December it was and the cold air rushed in lightly with the soft breeze making my arms cringe with a shiver. Honestly I never disliked the winter but now it seemed so out of place and like any standing effort for love would crumble like a losing battle.
āI just simply donāt like your teasing and flirtingā was that even true? I loved it. It made my heart so warm in contrast to the bitter cold of my body. But sadly I am gross and unwanted in such a way and my wishful thinking has always been my demise so is it really worth thinking of even a maybe? Maybes always gives someone hope and thatās not what I need as all it will do is bring what little self esteem I have left to the wolves.
āItās not like I flirt that much!ā
āYa, youāre right, you flirt too muchā
Laying down we stay while talking and bickering about our lives, maybe complaining here and there about each other to each other nothing more and nothing less, weāre just friends. Just friends.
The day that was once a beautiful morning now has turned into an even more lovely night. Appreciating the stars as I sit on my balcony while they shine and twinkle in the ever so brisk air of mid winter, I turn to Elliot thinking of a maybe. This is dangerous and I shouldnāt think about this maybe but maybe just maybe...no it would make things awkward maybe even dangerously so. Iām not doing another maybe, it's too risky. But maybe heāll care? Or maybe it wonāt be so bad? No, if the best isnāt certain then prepare for the worst so if I even put my head into a slight bit of hope my life will become wrong again. Iāll surround myself with those people again. Oh, and how I donāt wish to be like that again.
āI feel like you're always having a panic going on in your head or somethingā Elliotās voice breaks the silence. I then realize Iāve been staring at him the whole time.
āW-what do you mean?ā God, why am I still stuttering over this small stuff.
āLike you just randomly go into your head and think, which always gives you this really weird facial expression.ā His charming smile is back but for some reason it seems much softer, more innocent. Weirdly this tension I feel gives me another maybe. Maybe he loves me too? No, I canāt think foolishly. I'm no child and have no time for such naive love again. But, maybe?
āSorry, I guess. Itās nothing though Iām just thinking, not panicking.ā Gosh if only that were true, if I was just thinking I wouldāve probably done something already about this growing pain in my heart.
āNah, itās cute, keep doing itā always does without thinking. Granted heās an adult but he still acts as if heās a child.
āCoolā Iām feeling anxious to the point of vomiting as I feel a growing pit of regret starting to fill without even doing anything. I feel like a teenager and itās to the point where itās no longer funny. āYou know, youāre very enjoyable to be around.ā
Raising his eyebrows Elliot looks at me almost surprised. Had I said something wrong? Everything feels wrong all of a sudden and my stomach feels even worse. I canāt do this.
āThanks? Never thought Iād hear someone like you say that.ā He laughed while smiling in a joyous way and I didnāt realize I had started to giggle with him. Why is life so cruel?
āHeh, ya, weird right? Nothing wrong with liking a friend.ā Maybe.
āI know I know but youāre always so angry itās kinda weird to just hear a nice and caring you for once ha!ā Maybe?
āYa, I can be nice sometimes. Weāre both humans, it's not like I canāt be happy?ā Maybe..?
āTrue true itās just like maybe you like me a little too much?ā What?
āTsk, what do you mean?ā Never mind, stone faced again, unable to change, like always.
āJust saying maybe youād like me more romantically than platonically thatās a bit weird yāknow?ā Weird?
āWhy would it be weird? Plus, I donātā Backing away once again over the smallest sign of irritation.
āI donāt know? Youāre a guy, Iām a guy. Just a bit weirdā
āI donāt think so seems pretty normal to meā Sh*t.
Sadly no plan I ever make will ever succeed, right? No, more wishful thinking will only kill whatās left of my small future.
So now, a week after that incident, waiting for something to happen with the bottomless pit in my stomach. Anxiety kills every bit of joy I believed I had but it was all fake, a lie.
āYou okay Soran?ā Elliot? Why is he here talking to me? Thought he hated me already. Not really good at keeping secrets when you stare at someone then mentioning liking someone. Heh, I really am like a teenager even if Iām 37. āSoran, I need to talk to youā
āWhat do you want?ā That came out more stern than I wouldāve liked. I wish Michael was here and would make me feel a little less lonely with these endless thoughts. He may be a kid but heās nice to talk with.
āShut up. If you already know what I implied then itād rather be better if we donāt mention it. Itāll make things less awkward than they already are.ā
āIt is but itās nothing negative I just need to talkā
āI DONāT WANT TO FUCKING TALK!ā Clashing, my body feels a tight warming from someone smaller than me. A hug? I feel calmer but yet just as stressful. Do I hug back or push away? I hate physical contact so why am I so calm?
Slowly I feel my tense muscles relax into the hug yet I still donāt feel right. I sat there, waiting, hoping for him to speak so I donāt have to. If I do end up speaking Iād probably die. Die from embarrassment and pure heartbreak that seemed to crush me from deep within. Why does it always end with me crying?
Filling tears I start to choke on myself, hurting from the ongoing pain in my chest that was once expressed as anger. Anger? Was I ever angry? I feel the pain I kept and continue to pour out in tears on another man's shoulder. I hate this and I want it to end. Yet it feels somewhat comforting and safe.
After a few seconds I feel a hand caressing the back of my head in strokes. Jolting at the sudden movement, I feel some of my muscles tense up and loosen again. Still feeling the tears streaming down my face as my muscles get weaker I feel as if I could collapse any moment. In fact I wouldnāt be surprised if I collapsed right here and now.
Too many emotions pulse through my brain but yet my crying starts to melt away. Slowly the choking of my breath goes to small quick jolts of hyperventilation. It hurts but Iād rather be here than crying alone.
Feeling the approaching waves of melancholy and sorrow I start to push away Elliot from this physical feeling. Maybe? Maybe. Itās not even a maybe itās either a never or a yes. Iām feeling a weakening in my knees begging me to fall and bust my head out of this embarrassment.
āSoran, everything okay?ā I continue to hyperventilate in contrast to my efforts to breathe normally. So clearly, no, Iām not fucking okay. Feeling as if Iām being crushed by the weight of an elephant makes me want to continue to cry silently. āDumb question, sorry. Do you want me to get you anything? Tissues, water, food? Iām here for you, itās gonna be okay.ā
He sounds so awkward, unsure, as if heās never comforted someone before. Wouldnāt be unbelievable. Neither of us have ever had a real relationship with anyone, have we?
āIām sorry,ā the words I speak quiver and shake with every tear that falls. Soft hands , Elliotās hands, continue to caress my head in ways that seem familiar yet so far forgotten.
āItās okay, you didnāt do anything wrong.ā I didnāt? Feeling the tears start to swell again I dig my head deeper into his shoulder, embarrassed. Elliot, the man I thought Iād known in and out was there, hugging me, making me feel safe. This is a trick.
Melancholy seems to leave as soon as it comes as I sit on my knees, still laying on Elliotās shoulder. Itās been this way for half an hour and I feel my cheeks start to flush. Heart racing as my stomach turns and twists I feel the bright diamond eyes of Elliot staring at me with tenderness.
āEverything okay now?ā It was said so sweetly, so softly, I always took his kindness for granted. How could I be so selfish?
āYa,,, ya Iām fine,ā wishful thinking once again. What makes me think anything is fine? Crazy as it sounds Iām about to lose the only person that Iāve ever seen as a true friend. I know it. Thereās no debate here, he clearly thinks Iām weird and heās just comforting me to make us have a more ābeautifulā ending.
Looking at Elliot now I realize that once he leaves Iād have to leave. I won't be able to stay here without paying some kind of fee to the apartment manager. Nothing comes for free after all.
āYou know, I didnāt come here for any negative reason,ā why does he sound like that? I donāt like it. This is too serious. āBut yes, I did come to talk to you about yesterday. Trust me though, itās nothing bad.ā
In my head I knew he wasnāt lying but I donāt think I can bring myself to truly believe that he isnāt going to leave. I mean like, who wouldnāt?
āWhat do you want,ā It hurts to speak. My voice sounded so scratchy and rough I bet I sounds ugly as sh*t. My fast beating heart is sore and tired. I feel the overwhelming sensation of weakness and fatigue.
āWell, uh, itās hard to explain. I guess, hehā Stuttering? Makes no sense, he never stutters, at least not in front of me. Maybe. ā W,,,well I guess I put some thought into what you said and implied. And well, I thought maybe youād possibly want to start something between us.ā
In my mind hearing this wouldāve been heaven, but right now it sounds like a hell that I accidentally fell in. Why do I feel this way, this pain, it seems to fester no matter where I seem to go to, why is it always this way?
āHeh, Iā¦I canāt respond,ā really, thatās it? Sh*t I canāt do this, I just canāt, not again. Knowing the eventual outcome always seems to keep me from doing anything. Iāll never leave this house because the outcome could resolute in being shot or maybe even raped on the street by some random group of men.
āYou donāt worry about responding, I can do all the talking.ā The charming voice of reassurance drives me to raise my head from Elliotās shoulder. Now facing him I feel my jaw tense. āFor starters, can I kiss you?ā
My fast beating heart rises to my throat out of every bit of anxiety Iāve ever had at once. Nodding I put my hands on his shoulders almost about to resist and push away but I feel too weak to do anything. Trying to not tense to the touch.
Quick, it was so quick. Just a peck, did I expect something more? Elliot looks awkward and almost embarrassed. Was that to be unexpected? Truly, Iām not sure. Heās never kissed another man so I guess that makes a little bit of sense. On the other hand heās such a flirt Iād expect him to try to do a full on make out with me without warning. But it really was just a kiss, a simple peck, and nothing more.
āHeh, I donāt know why I thought itād be any differentā Elliot breaks the unbearable silence.
āWell duh. Itās just a kiss? Not some big deal.ā āNot some big dealā is a bit of an understatement for the way Iām feeling at the moment. Feeling as if Iām being compressed from the inside out is definitely a big deal. A big deal that Iāll never know how to sort out.
āYa, ya I know. Guess I thought itād be different in a way. Never thought Iād kiss a guy like that eitherā Heās anxious, itās almost alien to me, heās so daring in every way and seeing him be truly anxious over a simple kiss is almost scary. Terrifying even. I guess that's just the way of life